When I started this blog nearly 7 years ago, I was a naive 31 year old trying to get my voice heard in a big city full of big personalities. Being loud wasn't my thing, but I found out that writing was. I think back to the person I was almost 7 years ago and I think about how that girl was more of a child than a grown ass woman - a "late-bloomer," if you will. Truth be told, I still tend to relate to women 10 years younger than me, as proved by the fact that most of my clients are 27 year old women. Intelligent, bad-ass women, mind you.
Anyway, 6 years ago I was still stuck in a crappy job, for example, that I was too intelligent for, although I didn't believe so at the time and would remain stuck there for a few more years. I tried being a teacher, an experience I documented in this very blog. That experience was a stepping stone for so many big changes to come, and I don't regret it at all.
6 years ago I was also still trying to be more extroverted than I am, because that was the personality type preferred by most of my friends, acquaintances, boyfriends, dates, and society. I hadn't yet gained the confidence to give everyone the middle finger and resolve to be myself.
I was also obsessed with thinking that I was less than because I was single and not married or in a serious relationship like most people I knew at the time. Back then it never occurred to me to entertain the idea that maybe I enjoyed being single. Like, preferred being single. Instead, I frequently went on meaningless dates with people because I thought that all women in their early 30's were scrambling to find a husband, paranoid that all the good ones were already gone. But of course no suitor ever fit the bill, because deep down I knew marriage was not something I really wanted for myself.
I still considered having or adopting kids at that time to appease potential boyfriends, but have since admitted that it's totally fucking acceptable to not want kids. Ever. I will never apologize for the fact that my womb cringes and recoils at the thought of parenthood. I am not less than a woman for not wanting kids, and if you think so, you are ignorant and close-minded.
In the last 6 years I have grown up a lot. My life was very stationary for years before I started the blog, and has since been very up and down, rich with experience and revelation. I wouldn't trade any of my dark, depressing periods for good because of what I learned having had to deal with such challenging times.
One of the most positive experiences I've had since I started this blog was volunteering as a mentor for 3 years for a girl in a disadvantaged neighborhood in Chicago. I gained innumerable insights and the guts to get out of my comfort zone on the regular, which contributed to many other positive changes in my life.
I changed careers 4 years ago, a move that nearly destroyed me even though I maintain it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I lost a friendship along the way, which has also nearly destroyed me. I attribute that loss to ramifications of the career change, but also because I have since chosen to embrace my rare personality and live an unconventional life, which means I'm very misunderstood most of the time.
I have transitioned to becoming my own boss just this year, which was the most wonderful change of all. Pure autonomy is the way I was born to work, and all the energy I sacrificed while working in the corporate big box gym has since been restored. I'm getting out and doing things again, and my quality of life has improved immensely in just a few months.
I've moved several times since starting this blog. 4 different buildings, in fact. I lived with a boyfriend and endured a very challenging and tumultuous relationship, but am very thankful since moving out that somehow we manage to be best friends to this day. Most people don't understand our relationship, but I don't need them to understand. At this point in my life, I do not feel like defending myself. I do not see the world in black and white, and I think it's an ignorant mindset to do so.
I've been a bunny mama for 2 years now, and pet ownership has changed my life in only positive ways. I love caring for my bunnies and I also love the fact that I'll never have to pay for their braces or college education.
Since starting this blog, I've battled moving back to Ohio and staying in the big city that has become synonymous with my chosen lifestyle. And yet, I have finally chosen to leave my beloved big city to be closer to my family instead. That change hasn't happened quite yet, but the choice to do so has been a tumultuous ride in and of itself. How will an unmarried, child-free woman survive in the suburbs? These are real fears of mine.
Because I have evolved so much and see myself as a very different individual than the one who started this blog, I have chosen to end it. This is not the end of my writing, however. I am starting a new blog that will be a bit more specific in nature regarding the life I've chosen for myself as an unmarried, child-free woman. In college I was fascinated by early 20th century feminism, and that that fascination has been resurrected ever since I embraced this unconventional life I have chosen for myself. I am very happy and very fulfilled by my choices. The new blog is not a way for me to justify my lifestyle, but to celebrate it and hopefully a way to find my tribe. I know we are rare, but I also know we are not alone.
I'm not sure if anyone still reads this blog, but if so, this will be my last post here. If you'd like to follow my new blog, you can find me over at www.thenewwomanorder.wordpress.com
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Life of a Career Changer - Year 4
A lot has changed since I wrote this post last year regarding having completed 3 years as a personal trainer.
The biggest change is that I quit my job at the corporate gym to train independently. I complained last year about the price of being successful at the gym, and the unnecessary toll it was taking on my social life, as well as the toll it was taking on me physically and mentally. About 5 months after that post I decided I finally needed to make a change. I was tired of working so hard for so little money, and I was tired of sacrificing the quality of training in favor of the volume of training I needed to maintain to stay afloat at work.
Back in November of 2015, I decided to meet with several trainers I had worked with in the past who had since left the corporate gym to train independently. While discussing their transitions and how things have played out for them since they left, a resounding theme made itself clear - they were all happier, making more money, and they were less stressed. At that point, I knew what I had to do and I knew it would not be easy, but I also had a hunch that making a change would be worth the time and effort.
In the months following, I decided to add more education to my arsenal in order to increase my value as a trainer - and also to reconnect with why I chose this field in the first place. I had been so focused on session goals and sales numbers for so long that I felt I was losing sight of my original desire to be a personal trainer. So, I attended a 2 day workshop in January and studied like mad to acquire a new certification, which I received in April. I gained confidence from gaining more education, and that's when I thought that I just might be able to pull off becoming an independent trainer.
Don't get me wrong - I've had plenty of self doubt and concerns along the way. There were many times when I thought I'd have no choice but to be stuck being miserable at the corporate gym forever. Instead I chose to trust myself, the process, and the good advice provided to me by my colleagues who had experienced a career change within their career before me.
Incidentally, one of the independent trainers I spoke with asked me to take over some of her clients while she is on maternity leave. Had she not asked me, and thereby giving me a time frame to finally let go of my ties to the corporate gym, I don't know when I would've had the guts to quit. But by the time I gave my notice I was at my wits end.
I could no longer tolerate my lack of energy due to the high volume of training and being "on" all the time. I could no longer handle providing FIVE complimentary sessions to new members when it was clearly a waste of time to not be paid for them (what was good for the gym, was not always good for the trainers). I could also no longer handle the "bro" mentality of many of the members, the constant slamming of weights and cables, the overly crowded environment, the loud techno music, the archaic software system, or the arbitrary sales and session numbers to stress about reaching each month.
My four years at the gym weren't all bad. I respected my manager, and I loved my coworkers and clients, for example. And the struggles I listed might not sound terrible to everyone, as extroverts thrive in that type of environment. I just knew I'd never be satisfied or shine the way I'm supposed to shine as a trainer in that overstimulating environment.
Now I'm in my fourth week as a fully independent trainer and I could not be happier with my decision. As I suspected before I made the change, I have more energy, less stress, more time for myself and for client programming, and I am less crabby. I still have a lot to learn in terms of running my own business, but I can honestly say that I love training again. My clients have my full attention because there are no distractions when I train at a private studio. We get more done in one hour because we are not hunting for space or sharing equipment, and I can diligently stick to their scheduled programming, therefore increasing the value of their sessions.
My next big challenge will be seeing if I can pull of the independent trainer thing in Ohio when I move. I love what I'm doing and how I'm doing it right now, and I'd love to maintain this sort of momentum when I move. I'll have to work even harder to make it work because I'll be starting from scratch, but I've never been afraid of hard work. In fact, there's nothing more motivating than realizing that the bigger picture is myself and my business rather than a corporation for which I'm making money.
Year 4 started strong, saw several ups and downs along the way, and ultimately ended better than I ever could have imagined. I truly believe the ultimate goal of the entrepreneur is to not only do the work you love, but finding a way to do it exactly the way you want to do it. To me - as I suspected and happily discovered - autonomy is everything.
I finished last year's blog post recapping my third year of training by referring to my desire to run my own business one day and saying, "An introverted girl can turn her dreams into reality is she wants something badly enough." Because I wanted something badly enough, I worked my ass off to make it happen. And to think that being my own boss was once a dream that I turned into a reality is probably one of the most satisfying accomplishments of my life.
The biggest change is that I quit my job at the corporate gym to train independently. I complained last year about the price of being successful at the gym, and the unnecessary toll it was taking on my social life, as well as the toll it was taking on me physically and mentally. About 5 months after that post I decided I finally needed to make a change. I was tired of working so hard for so little money, and I was tired of sacrificing the quality of training in favor of the volume of training I needed to maintain to stay afloat at work.
Back in November of 2015, I decided to meet with several trainers I had worked with in the past who had since left the corporate gym to train independently. While discussing their transitions and how things have played out for them since they left, a resounding theme made itself clear - they were all happier, making more money, and they were less stressed. At that point, I knew what I had to do and I knew it would not be easy, but I also had a hunch that making a change would be worth the time and effort.
In the months following, I decided to add more education to my arsenal in order to increase my value as a trainer - and also to reconnect with why I chose this field in the first place. I had been so focused on session goals and sales numbers for so long that I felt I was losing sight of my original desire to be a personal trainer. So, I attended a 2 day workshop in January and studied like mad to acquire a new certification, which I received in April. I gained confidence from gaining more education, and that's when I thought that I just might be able to pull off becoming an independent trainer.
Don't get me wrong - I've had plenty of self doubt and concerns along the way. There were many times when I thought I'd have no choice but to be stuck being miserable at the corporate gym forever. Instead I chose to trust myself, the process, and the good advice provided to me by my colleagues who had experienced a career change within their career before me.
Incidentally, one of the independent trainers I spoke with asked me to take over some of her clients while she is on maternity leave. Had she not asked me, and thereby giving me a time frame to finally let go of my ties to the corporate gym, I don't know when I would've had the guts to quit. But by the time I gave my notice I was at my wits end.
I could no longer tolerate my lack of energy due to the high volume of training and being "on" all the time. I could no longer handle providing FIVE complimentary sessions to new members when it was clearly a waste of time to not be paid for them (what was good for the gym, was not always good for the trainers). I could also no longer handle the "bro" mentality of many of the members, the constant slamming of weights and cables, the overly crowded environment, the loud techno music, the archaic software system, or the arbitrary sales and session numbers to stress about reaching each month.
My four years at the gym weren't all bad. I respected my manager, and I loved my coworkers and clients, for example. And the struggles I listed might not sound terrible to everyone, as extroverts thrive in that type of environment. I just knew I'd never be satisfied or shine the way I'm supposed to shine as a trainer in that overstimulating environment.
Now I'm in my fourth week as a fully independent trainer and I could not be happier with my decision. As I suspected before I made the change, I have more energy, less stress, more time for myself and for client programming, and I am less crabby. I still have a lot to learn in terms of running my own business, but I can honestly say that I love training again. My clients have my full attention because there are no distractions when I train at a private studio. We get more done in one hour because we are not hunting for space or sharing equipment, and I can diligently stick to their scheduled programming, therefore increasing the value of their sessions.
My next big challenge will be seeing if I can pull of the independent trainer thing in Ohio when I move. I love what I'm doing and how I'm doing it right now, and I'd love to maintain this sort of momentum when I move. I'll have to work even harder to make it work because I'll be starting from scratch, but I've never been afraid of hard work. In fact, there's nothing more motivating than realizing that the bigger picture is myself and my business rather than a corporation for which I'm making money.
Year 4 started strong, saw several ups and downs along the way, and ultimately ended better than I ever could have imagined. I truly believe the ultimate goal of the entrepreneur is to not only do the work you love, but finding a way to do it exactly the way you want to do it. To me - as I suspected and happily discovered - autonomy is everything.
I finished last year's blog post recapping my third year of training by referring to my desire to run my own business one day and saying, "An introverted girl can turn her dreams into reality is she wants something badly enough." Because I wanted something badly enough, I worked my ass off to make it happen. And to think that being my own boss was once a dream that I turned into a reality is probably one of the most satisfying accomplishments of my life.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Steph and The City
Is it possible for one's heart to be in two places at one time? For the first time in my life, I feel as though my heart is in both Chicago and Northeast Ohio. I know it's probably because I know I'm leaving, and because it's summertime, but I'm becoming really sad about leaving Chicago. I am a city girl, through and through. Of course, then there are days when I just want peace and quiet and the ability to see my family or go hiking whenever I want.
I grew up in Northeast Ohio, but I fully grew into myself in Chicago. I like how I turned out. Chicago has never coddled or enabled me. I can now fully appreciate that Chicago provided enough tough love to help mold me into the strong-willed, assertive, non-shit taking, open-minded, kind, independent, and compassionate woman that I am today. I can say with certainty that I wouldn't be who I am today had I stayed in Ohio. It has been one big adventure in the big city, which was what I had always wanted. I just didn't realize that adventure would usually be difficult but always intended to help me.
I find myself walking around lately wondering how I'm going to leave this little neighborhood that I love. I wonder what it's going to be like to look out my window and not see tall buildings all around me. I wonder how I'm going to say good-bye to Fabian and I wonder how I'm going to live without him. I'm so happy with my newfound career autonomy, and I wonder if I'm going to be able to maintain the same sort of autonomy in Ohio.
At this point in time, I am the happiest I have ever been in 14 years, which makes the thought of leaving so much more difficult. Or is knowing that I am leaving what is making me so happy? I can't be sure. I do know that, currently, it feels like my heart is in two places at once.
I grew up in Northeast Ohio, but I fully grew into myself in Chicago. I like how I turned out. Chicago has never coddled or enabled me. I can now fully appreciate that Chicago provided enough tough love to help mold me into the strong-willed, assertive, non-shit taking, open-minded, kind, independent, and compassionate woman that I am today. I can say with certainty that I wouldn't be who I am today had I stayed in Ohio. It has been one big adventure in the big city, which was what I had always wanted. I just didn't realize that adventure would usually be difficult but always intended to help me.
I find myself walking around lately wondering how I'm going to leave this little neighborhood that I love. I wonder what it's going to be like to look out my window and not see tall buildings all around me. I wonder how I'm going to say good-bye to Fabian and I wonder how I'm going to live without him. I'm so happy with my newfound career autonomy, and I wonder if I'm going to be able to maintain the same sort of autonomy in Ohio.
At this point in time, I am the happiest I have ever been in 14 years, which makes the thought of leaving so much more difficult. Or is knowing that I am leaving what is making me so happy? I can't be sure. I do know that, currently, it feels like my heart is in two places at once.
Monday, June 27, 2016
Chicago Bucket List
As I mentioned in my previous post, I am moving back to Ohio sometime in the fall. As I also mentioned in my previous post, I came, I saw, I conquered the big city, and now it's time to go home. BUT, there are some things about Chicago I love so much that I want to experience them one last time before I leave. And despite my declaration, I haven't literally done everything there is to do in Chicago, so there may be just few more experiences I want to have before I bid adieu to The Windy City.
In the hours after telling Fabian that I was planning to move, I was going on and on about how I have "done" the city. I've been to the top of the tallest skyscrapers in the city. I've been to nearly every museum. I've been to countless neighborhoods and have ridden every train line. I've explored, explored, explored the city to my heart's content. Fabian noted that most people live in Chicago all their lives and probably haven't done a third of what I've done here. "And that's success right there," he noted. Yes. Yes it is! And I'm proud I haven't taken one second for granted.
All of the recent reflection has led me to create a Chicago bucket list. I cobbled this list together during several commutes to and from work over the past few weeks. I may still add to it, and I may subtract, but I really hope that when I finally head back to the hills and valleys of Northeast Ohio, I can take comfort in the fact that I really did exhaust my time in the big city.
1.) Itto Sushi - This was the first place I ever ate sushi ever in my life, so it holds a special place in my heart. By chance, I saw a post on Facebook announcing it's closure after 34 years of business, and luckily I was able to make it just in time because they are closing this week! So, this was the first thing on my list and the first thing I can cross off.
2.) The Green Mill - This is a jazz club that has been around since the days of Al Capone - probably longer - and the original decor has remained largely intact. It is said that some of the booths face the doors and not the main stage so that the gangsters could be aware of any cops that tried to break up their fun, and promptly run for the secret passageways in the basement to escape. Although I've been to The Green Mill many times, nothing feels more Chicago to me than this place, and therefore I must go one more time.
3.) Pasta Bowl - This is a tiny restaurant located in the Lincoln Park neighborhood. It has always been my favorite spot for pasta, and no matter which neighborhood I've lived in and no matter how far away, I always go out of my way to get their yummy food. Therefore, I must go back once more - eh, maybe twice more...
4.) Open House Chicago - This event sponsored by the Chicago Architecture Foundation takes place every year in October. It is by far my favorite event because at no cost you can explore parts of many different buildings in the city that aren't generally open to the public. This event is so special to me that I'd probably move back in October instead of November if it took place earlier in the fall.
5.) Visit former apartments - I'd like to visit all of my old apartments and take a pic for a collage. It sounds strange, but I learned and grew in each place I lived, and therefore I'd like to have a record of my dwellings to enjoy for years to come.
6.) Visit former places of employment - Because I've mainly worked in skyscrapers, I see the places I used to work almost daily, but for the same reasons as #5, I'd like to have some sort of record just for fun.
7.) Navy Pier Ferris Wheel - Ok, this one isn't incredibly important to me, but just this year they installed a Ferris wheel twice the size of the old one, and I feel somewhat compelled to experience the behemoth. If this item doesn't get crossed off, though, I won't be too broken up about it.
8.) Driehaus Museum - I love old mansions, and I love museums, and somehow I only just found out about this place this year. Therefore, I must go!
9.) Antique Taco - I've never been to this restaurant for tacos, but Fabian insists it's amazing. I trust his judgement when it comes to tacos, therefore, I must go!
10.) The Max - A replica of the diner from the 90's TV show Saved By The Bell?! You bet I'll be there.
11.) Piece Pizza - Ok, I could get sent back to Ohio sooner than I planned if word of this gets out about this, but I do not care much for Chicago style deep dish pizza! Piece is more New York style and I'm obsessed. Shhhh, don't tell!
12.) Pequods Pizza - Just because I don't care for deep dish, doesn't mean I don't like pan pizza. And this place has the best!
13.) Divvy along the Lakefront - For 14 years I've lived along the Chicago lakefront. I've probably run a million miles along the lake, but would you believe I've never biked it? Seems ridiculous since it's something I've always wanted to do. So, I must cross this one off the list before I leave.
14.) Chicago Architectural River Tour - I think this is the most surprising thing I have yet to accomplish in Chicago. Everyone I know has done the tour at least once. But even with my fierce love for architecture, I have yet to experience this tour, and I just cannot fathom leaving until I do so.
15.) Asado Coffee - Ok, there is this secret small alleyway off of Jackson Blvd and I've been fascinated by it for years. A coffee shop recently opened in the teeny tiny building at the end of the alley, but every time I've tried to go so far it's been closed.
16.) Lincoln Park Bar Crawl with Sara - I've been friends with Sara for over ten years, and we used to live a block away from each other in Lincoln Park for years. So of course we accumulated our favorite bars in that time, and so we are going to formulate our own bar crawl this summer and visit all of our old favorite haunts.
I think that's it for now. I've had a lot of ups and downs during my 14 years in the big city, but I love the idea of doing all of my favorite things one last time along with a few new things so I can bid farewell to this city on a high note.
In the hours after telling Fabian that I was planning to move, I was going on and on about how I have "done" the city. I've been to the top of the tallest skyscrapers in the city. I've been to nearly every museum. I've been to countless neighborhoods and have ridden every train line. I've explored, explored, explored the city to my heart's content. Fabian noted that most people live in Chicago all their lives and probably haven't done a third of what I've done here. "And that's success right there," he noted. Yes. Yes it is! And I'm proud I haven't taken one second for granted.
All of the recent reflection has led me to create a Chicago bucket list. I cobbled this list together during several commutes to and from work over the past few weeks. I may still add to it, and I may subtract, but I really hope that when I finally head back to the hills and valleys of Northeast Ohio, I can take comfort in the fact that I really did exhaust my time in the big city.
1.) Itto Sushi - This was the first place I ever ate sushi ever in my life, so it holds a special place in my heart. By chance, I saw a post on Facebook announcing it's closure after 34 years of business, and luckily I was able to make it just in time because they are closing this week! So, this was the first thing on my list and the first thing I can cross off.
2.) The Green Mill - This is a jazz club that has been around since the days of Al Capone - probably longer - and the original decor has remained largely intact. It is said that some of the booths face the doors and not the main stage so that the gangsters could be aware of any cops that tried to break up their fun, and promptly run for the secret passageways in the basement to escape. Although I've been to The Green Mill many times, nothing feels more Chicago to me than this place, and therefore I must go one more time.
3.) Pasta Bowl - This is a tiny restaurant located in the Lincoln Park neighborhood. It has always been my favorite spot for pasta, and no matter which neighborhood I've lived in and no matter how far away, I always go out of my way to get their yummy food. Therefore, I must go back once more - eh, maybe twice more...
4.) Open House Chicago - This event sponsored by the Chicago Architecture Foundation takes place every year in October. It is by far my favorite event because at no cost you can explore parts of many different buildings in the city that aren't generally open to the public. This event is so special to me that I'd probably move back in October instead of November if it took place earlier in the fall.
5.) Visit former apartments - I'd like to visit all of my old apartments and take a pic for a collage. It sounds strange, but I learned and grew in each place I lived, and therefore I'd like to have a record of my dwellings to enjoy for years to come.
6.) Visit former places of employment - Because I've mainly worked in skyscrapers, I see the places I used to work almost daily, but for the same reasons as #5, I'd like to have some sort of record just for fun.
7.) Navy Pier Ferris Wheel - Ok, this one isn't incredibly important to me, but just this year they installed a Ferris wheel twice the size of the old one, and I feel somewhat compelled to experience the behemoth. If this item doesn't get crossed off, though, I won't be too broken up about it.
8.) Driehaus Museum - I love old mansions, and I love museums, and somehow I only just found out about this place this year. Therefore, I must go!
9.) Antique Taco - I've never been to this restaurant for tacos, but Fabian insists it's amazing. I trust his judgement when it comes to tacos, therefore, I must go!
10.) The Max - A replica of the diner from the 90's TV show Saved By The Bell?! You bet I'll be there.
11.) Piece Pizza - Ok, I could get sent back to Ohio sooner than I planned if word of this gets out about this, but I do not care much for Chicago style deep dish pizza! Piece is more New York style and I'm obsessed. Shhhh, don't tell!
12.) Pequods Pizza - Just because I don't care for deep dish, doesn't mean I don't like pan pizza. And this place has the best!
13.) Divvy along the Lakefront - For 14 years I've lived along the Chicago lakefront. I've probably run a million miles along the lake, but would you believe I've never biked it? Seems ridiculous since it's something I've always wanted to do. So, I must cross this one off the list before I leave.
14.) Chicago Architectural River Tour - I think this is the most surprising thing I have yet to accomplish in Chicago. Everyone I know has done the tour at least once. But even with my fierce love for architecture, I have yet to experience this tour, and I just cannot fathom leaving until I do so.
15.) Asado Coffee - Ok, there is this secret small alleyway off of Jackson Blvd and I've been fascinated by it for years. A coffee shop recently opened in the teeny tiny building at the end of the alley, but every time I've tried to go so far it's been closed.
16.) Lincoln Park Bar Crawl with Sara - I've been friends with Sara for over ten years, and we used to live a block away from each other in Lincoln Park for years. So of course we accumulated our favorite bars in that time, and so we are going to formulate our own bar crawl this summer and visit all of our old favorite haunts.
I think that's it for now. I've had a lot of ups and downs during my 14 years in the big city, but I love the idea of doing all of my favorite things one last time along with a few new things so I can bid farewell to this city on a high note.
The Pursuit of Happiness
Happiness is.... being at peace with a decision that took a really, really long time to make. I have discovered that there is no such thing as "perfect timing," but there is a time when making a change feels right.
I'd been filled with anxiety for months knowing that I needed to make a change, but I hadn't felt until recently that I could pull it off, even though I'd been carefully planning a transition.
Before I made the decision to leave my job in favor of training independently, I was so nervous that it might not work out and feeling a bit guilty with the idea of leaving my loyal clients, supportive manager, and fun co-workers.
Had my trainer friend Cristina not asked me to take over her clients when she has her baby, who knows if I would've ever had the guts to leave my stable job in favor of something that is risky, yet far more suited for my personality.
Leaving my job isn't the only huge life decision I've made recently though. I will also be moving back to Ohio in the fall to be closer to my family. I know I've expressed the desire to move back to Ohio a few times in this blog, and I've finally decided that because life is short, I need to spend as much time with my family as possible. I've already missed out on so much with them.
I told Fabian I was leaving Chicago and I resigned from my job 2 days later. To say the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement, but I really am so happy and at peace with my decisions.
Before I gave my boss my resignation, I had to constantly remind myself that the reason I started this whole process of making a change is because I was working in the wrong environment, and it wasn't healthy for me. I wasn't being a brat, or negative, or lazy, or selfish for wanting things to be different.
I didn't quit when things got hard, and they got really hard soon after I started my career as a personal trainer four years ago. I never gave up at the corporate gym and instead pressed on to do the job that I love for little money in an overstimulating environment that made me miserable.
I know it must sound dramatic to non-introverts, but working in an overstimulating environment has cost me plenty over the years including energy, friendships, a social life, the desire to try new things, and the desire to find love. And yet, I still felt guilty for wanting to get out of my situation. I felt guilty for not having the energy to be more successful at work despite the energy-draining environment.
I should never feel guilty about wanting to be happy though. I shouldn't ever feel guilty for wanting to do my work the way I want to do it in the environment that is better suited for me. In fact, the more I read about being an entrepreneur, the more I uncover just how much I was meant to do work all along. It turns out that I'm not lazy and I don't hate hard work. I just need more autonomy to be happy.
Before I resigned, and now that I'm on my own, I'm choosing to trust that everything will work out for me. Making big life changes is scary, and things have never really gone smoothly for me in the past when I've made big changes. But this time I carefully planned my transition. I have the experience, confidence, work ethic, and motivation to be successful and don't have to rely on luck. This change is also different because now I know exactly what I want after having experienced major extremes in my adult life. Bottom line - I want work/life balance and the chance to be truly happy doing what I love exactly how I want to do it. I fucking deserve it.
Regarding my big moving plans, I think I was more nervous about telling Fabian about going back to Ohio than I was about quitting my my job. I know Fabian loves me and the bunnies so much, and we love him so much, so it truly breaks my heart to leave him. But I know in my heart that I can't feel guilty for wanting to be close to my family.
I came, I saw, I conquered the big city, and now it's time to go home. A few months ago I was at the checkout counter at Dick's Sporting Goods and when the cashier asked for my zip code, I instinctively rattled off "44223, " even though I haven't lived in Ohio for 14 years. That moment really made me think. Clearly my desire to be home is subconscious as well as conscious.
But I waited to announce my decision until my head was in agreement with my heart, and my subconscious mind was in alignment with my conscious mind regarding the reality of making the move. And even though there is no such thing as perfect timing - because I can think of a million excuses to stay - the thought of moving home feels absolutely right.
I'd been filled with anxiety for months knowing that I needed to make a change, but I hadn't felt until recently that I could pull it off, even though I'd been carefully planning a transition.
Before I made the decision to leave my job in favor of training independently, I was so nervous that it might not work out and feeling a bit guilty with the idea of leaving my loyal clients, supportive manager, and fun co-workers.
Had my trainer friend Cristina not asked me to take over her clients when she has her baby, who knows if I would've ever had the guts to leave my stable job in favor of something that is risky, yet far more suited for my personality.
Leaving my job isn't the only huge life decision I've made recently though. I will also be moving back to Ohio in the fall to be closer to my family. I know I've expressed the desire to move back to Ohio a few times in this blog, and I've finally decided that because life is short, I need to spend as much time with my family as possible. I've already missed out on so much with them.
I told Fabian I was leaving Chicago and I resigned from my job 2 days later. To say the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement, but I really am so happy and at peace with my decisions.
Before I gave my boss my resignation, I had to constantly remind myself that the reason I started this whole process of making a change is because I was working in the wrong environment, and it wasn't healthy for me. I wasn't being a brat, or negative, or lazy, or selfish for wanting things to be different.
I didn't quit when things got hard, and they got really hard soon after I started my career as a personal trainer four years ago. I never gave up at the corporate gym and instead pressed on to do the job that I love for little money in an overstimulating environment that made me miserable.
I know it must sound dramatic to non-introverts, but working in an overstimulating environment has cost me plenty over the years including energy, friendships, a social life, the desire to try new things, and the desire to find love. And yet, I still felt guilty for wanting to get out of my situation. I felt guilty for not having the energy to be more successful at work despite the energy-draining environment.
I should never feel guilty about wanting to be happy though. I shouldn't ever feel guilty for wanting to do my work the way I want to do it in the environment that is better suited for me. In fact, the more I read about being an entrepreneur, the more I uncover just how much I was meant to do work all along. It turns out that I'm not lazy and I don't hate hard work. I just need more autonomy to be happy.
Before I resigned, and now that I'm on my own, I'm choosing to trust that everything will work out for me. Making big life changes is scary, and things have never really gone smoothly for me in the past when I've made big changes. But this time I carefully planned my transition. I have the experience, confidence, work ethic, and motivation to be successful and don't have to rely on luck. This change is also different because now I know exactly what I want after having experienced major extremes in my adult life. Bottom line - I want work/life balance and the chance to be truly happy doing what I love exactly how I want to do it. I fucking deserve it.
Regarding my big moving plans, I think I was more nervous about telling Fabian about going back to Ohio than I was about quitting my my job. I know Fabian loves me and the bunnies so much, and we love him so much, so it truly breaks my heart to leave him. But I know in my heart that I can't feel guilty for wanting to be close to my family.
I came, I saw, I conquered the big city, and now it's time to go home. A few months ago I was at the checkout counter at Dick's Sporting Goods and when the cashier asked for my zip code, I instinctively rattled off "44223, " even though I haven't lived in Ohio for 14 years. That moment really made me think. Clearly my desire to be home is subconscious as well as conscious.
But I waited to announce my decision until my head was in agreement with my heart, and my subconscious mind was in alignment with my conscious mind regarding the reality of making the move. And even though there is no such thing as perfect timing - because I can think of a million excuses to stay - the thought of moving home feels absolutely right.
Saturday, May 21, 2016
Living in the Past 14 Years
I have been far too distracted in my adult life by the things I don't want, rather than focusing on what I do want. If I'm not stressed about my financial situation at any given time, and worrying if I'll ever know what it's like to experience financial freedom, then I'm too concentrated on the fact that I work in a place that is not conducive to me being successful in my career.
I should, in fact, be fantasizing about what it's like to experience financial freedom and figuring out how to achieve it, as well as getting my ass out of my current work environment and figuring out how to do my job in a way that allows me to live up to my full potential.
I have the confidence, experience, and education to do what I want, exactly the way I want it, and yet I feel so out of control of the direction of my life. But if I don't suck it up and take control, who the fuck will?
I'm fucking 37 years old. It is time to do things differently. It is time to do things that will benefit me in the long run, instead of worrying about how behind I am and wondering how I'm going to get through today.
I should know by now that trial and error is okay, as long as I keep moving forward. I really don't have anything to lose, except everything. But I can bounce back from losing everything. I've gotten this far, haven't I?
I crave autonomy in all aspects of my life, especially my career. I can have that autonomy if I just push myself a little harder. Actually, at the present moment life is lighting a fire under my ass to get me moving. The universe has a funny way of doing this to me - to all of us. And I don't resent the universe for making me move. Sometimes the universe has more confidence in me than I do.
Ever since I became a college student and my inner world was exposed to dreams I had never dared to dream, and thoughts I never thought to think, I've seen myself doing something above average with my life. Even when I couldn't pin point what that above average thing was, I knew I was meant to do something different from most folks.
14 years ago, for example, I knew I had to move to the big city. I've also always known that I never wanted to be bogged down with marriage and kids because I knew in my heart I was meant to take a different path. I knew I didn't want to be like everyone else because I've always known that I'm not like everyone else.
When I moved to Chicago 14 years ago this very month, I thought that I was supposed to be a successful business woman, even though anything related to business bored me to tears. I was a receptionist, then an administrative assistant, then an event planner, then a commissions associate. None of those titles thrilled me or felt at all natural for me, but I conjured a fair amount of enthusiasm and gave each role my very best.
I finally switched careers four years ago to do something that lit my insides on fire and made me excited to go to work. And while I still absolutely love what I do, I learned early on that the environment is all wrong for me. A busy, loud, crowded commercial gym is the exact opposite of what is considered an ideal environment for an introvert. But, as with everything I have ever done, I have always given my best, fully knowing that my best in the wrong environment will never be good enough.
I need to stop beating myself up about not fitting in, because I'm holding myself back by doing so. I need to look forward and press on, thankful that I have the ability to do my job differently. I do have the possibility to fulfill my potential and become financially free. It's time. I can't waste any more time bemoaning my current situation when a fulfilling and financially free future awaits.
I should, in fact, be fantasizing about what it's like to experience financial freedom and figuring out how to achieve it, as well as getting my ass out of my current work environment and figuring out how to do my job in a way that allows me to live up to my full potential.
I have the confidence, experience, and education to do what I want, exactly the way I want it, and yet I feel so out of control of the direction of my life. But if I don't suck it up and take control, who the fuck will?
I'm fucking 37 years old. It is time to do things differently. It is time to do things that will benefit me in the long run, instead of worrying about how behind I am and wondering how I'm going to get through today.
I should know by now that trial and error is okay, as long as I keep moving forward. I really don't have anything to lose, except everything. But I can bounce back from losing everything. I've gotten this far, haven't I?
I crave autonomy in all aspects of my life, especially my career. I can have that autonomy if I just push myself a little harder. Actually, at the present moment life is lighting a fire under my ass to get me moving. The universe has a funny way of doing this to me - to all of us. And I don't resent the universe for making me move. Sometimes the universe has more confidence in me than I do.
Ever since I became a college student and my inner world was exposed to dreams I had never dared to dream, and thoughts I never thought to think, I've seen myself doing something above average with my life. Even when I couldn't pin point what that above average thing was, I knew I was meant to do something different from most folks.
14 years ago, for example, I knew I had to move to the big city. I've also always known that I never wanted to be bogged down with marriage and kids because I knew in my heart I was meant to take a different path. I knew I didn't want to be like everyone else because I've always known that I'm not like everyone else.
When I moved to Chicago 14 years ago this very month, I thought that I was supposed to be a successful business woman, even though anything related to business bored me to tears. I was a receptionist, then an administrative assistant, then an event planner, then a commissions associate. None of those titles thrilled me or felt at all natural for me, but I conjured a fair amount of enthusiasm and gave each role my very best.
I finally switched careers four years ago to do something that lit my insides on fire and made me excited to go to work. And while I still absolutely love what I do, I learned early on that the environment is all wrong for me. A busy, loud, crowded commercial gym is the exact opposite of what is considered an ideal environment for an introvert. But, as with everything I have ever done, I have always given my best, fully knowing that my best in the wrong environment will never be good enough.
I need to stop beating myself up about not fitting in, because I'm holding myself back by doing so. I need to look forward and press on, thankful that I have the ability to do my job differently. I do have the possibility to fulfill my potential and become financially free. It's time. I can't waste any more time bemoaning my current situation when a fulfilling and financially free future awaits.
My Dream to be Drawn to Distraction No More
I keep having this dream where I am on a tropical island but am unable to make it to the beach. All I want is to watch the sunset from the beach and photograph it, but something is always preventing me from doing so. I cannot find my phone, or my phone is not charged, or I'm tending to the people I'm with, or I have to be somewhere at a certain time, etc. There is always a distraction keeping me from standing in the white sand and admiring the aqua water. The island is always different, the people I'm with are always different, but the theme of the dream is essentially the same.
Clearly this dream translates to the fact that I'm being held back from doing the things I really want to in my life. This dream always makes me sad, because it's true.
It's mostly my fault, I'm discovering, because I dwell too much on the past or my current situation, instead of visualizing how things could be different. Things can be better. I just have to change my mindset. Easier said that done for this ruminating gal, but not impossible.
I want to travel. I want to have total career autonomy. I want to experience financial freedom. I'm a hard worker, and I always have been. I'm smart, too. The dreams I have for myself should not be difficult to achieve. Or, because they have been up to this point, they will no longer be going forward.
I will be stuck no more. I will not let distraction get in the way of living my best life. That's my promise to myself.
Clearly this dream translates to the fact that I'm being held back from doing the things I really want to in my life. This dream always makes me sad, because it's true.
It's mostly my fault, I'm discovering, because I dwell too much on the past or my current situation, instead of visualizing how things could be different. Things can be better. I just have to change my mindset. Easier said that done for this ruminating gal, but not impossible.
I want to travel. I want to have total career autonomy. I want to experience financial freedom. I'm a hard worker, and I always have been. I'm smart, too. The dreams I have for myself should not be difficult to achieve. Or, because they have been up to this point, they will no longer be going forward.
I will be stuck no more. I will not let distraction get in the way of living my best life. That's my promise to myself.
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