Life of a Career Changer - Year 4

A lot has changed since I wrote this post last year regarding having completed 3 years as a personal trainer.

The biggest change is that I quit my job at the corporate gym to train independently. I complained last year about the price of being successful at the gym, and the unnecessary toll it was taking on my social life, as well as the toll it was taking on me physically and mentally. About 5 months after that post I decided I finally needed to make a change. I was tired of working so hard for so little money, and I was tired of sacrificing the quality of training in favor of the volume of training I needed to maintain to stay afloat at work.

Back in November of 2015, I decided to meet with several trainers I had worked with in the past who had since left the corporate gym to train independently. While discussing their transitions and how things have played out for them since they left, a resounding theme made itself clear - they were all happier, making more money, and they were less stressed. At that point, I knew what I had to do and I knew it would not be easy, but I also had a hunch that making a change would be worth the time and effort.

In the months following, I decided to add more education to my arsenal in order to increase my value as a trainer - and also to reconnect with why I chose this field in the first place. I had been so focused on session goals and sales numbers for so long that I felt I was losing sight of my original desire to be a personal trainer. So, I attended a 2 day workshop in January and studied like mad to acquire a new certification, which I received in April. I gained confidence from gaining more education, and that's when I thought that I just might be able to pull off becoming an independent trainer.

Don't get me wrong - I've had plenty of self doubt and concerns along the way. There were many times when I thought I'd have no choice but to be stuck being miserable at the corporate gym forever. Instead I chose to trust myself, the process, and the good advice provided to me by my colleagues who had experienced a career change within their career before me.

Incidentally, one of the independent trainers I spoke with asked me to take over some of her clients while she is on maternity leave. Had she not asked me, and thereby giving me a time frame to finally let go of my ties to the corporate gym, I don't know when I would've had the guts to quit. But by the time I gave my notice I was at my wits end.

I could no longer tolerate my lack of energy due to the high volume of training and being "on" all the time. I could no longer handle providing FIVE complimentary sessions to new members when it was clearly a waste of time to not be paid for them (what was good for the gym, was not always good for the trainers). I could also no longer handle the "bro" mentality of many of the members, the constant slamming of weights and cables, the overly crowded environment, the loud techno music, the archaic software system, or the arbitrary sales and session numbers to stress about reaching each month.

My four years at the gym weren't all bad. I respected my manager, and I loved my coworkers and clients, for example. And the struggles I listed might not sound terrible to everyone, as extroverts thrive in that type of environment. I just knew I'd never be satisfied or shine the way I'm supposed to shine as a trainer in that overstimulating environment.

Now I'm in my fourth week as a fully independent trainer and I could not be happier with my decision. As I suspected before I made the change, I have more energy, less stress, more time for myself and for client programming, and I am less crabby. I still have a lot to learn in terms of running my own business, but I can honestly say that I love training again. My clients have my full attention because there are no distractions when I train at a private studio. We get more done in one hour because we are not hunting for space or sharing equipment, and I can diligently stick to their scheduled programming, therefore increasing the value of their sessions.

My next big challenge will be seeing if I can pull of the independent trainer thing in Ohio when I move. I love what I'm doing and how I'm doing it right now, and I'd love to maintain this sort of momentum when I move. I'll have to work even harder to make it work because I'll be starting from scratch, but I've never been afraid of hard work. In fact, there's nothing more motivating than realizing that the bigger picture is myself and my business rather than a corporation for which I'm making money.

Year 4 started strong, saw several ups and downs along the way, and ultimately ended better than I ever could have imagined. I truly believe the ultimate goal of the entrepreneur is to not only do the work you love, but finding a way to do it exactly the way you want to do it. To me  - as I suspected and happily discovered - autonomy is everything.

I finished last year's blog post recapping my third year of training by referring to my desire to run my own business one day and saying, "An introverted girl can turn her dreams into reality is she wants something badly enough." Because I wanted something badly enough, I worked my ass off to make it happen. And to think that being my own boss was once a dream that I turned into a reality is probably one of the most satisfying accomplishments of my life.

Chicago Bucket List

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am moving back to Ohio sometime in the fall. As I also mentioned in my previous post, I came, I saw, I conquered the big city, and now it's time to go home. BUT, there are some things about Chicago I love so much that I want to experience them one last time before I leave. And despite my declaration, I haven't literally done everything there is to do in Chicago, so there may be just few more experiences I want to have before I bid adieu to The Windy City.

In the hours after telling Fabian that I was planning to move, I was going on and on about how I have "done" the city. I've been to the top of the tallest skyscrapers in the city. I've been to nearly every museum. I've been to countless neighborhoods and have ridden every train line. I've explored, explored, explored the city to my heart's content. Fabian noted that most people live in Chicago all their lives and probably haven't done a third of what I've done here. "And that's success right there," he noted. Yes. Yes it is! And I'm proud I haven't taken one second for granted.

All of the recent reflection has led me to create a Chicago bucket list. I cobbled this list together during several commutes to and from work over the past few weeks. I may still add to it, and I may subtract, but I really hope that when I finally head back to the hills and valleys of Northeast Ohio, I can take comfort in the fact that I really did exhaust my time in the big city.

1.) Itto Sushi - This was the first place I ever ate sushi ever in my life, so it holds a special place in my heart. By chance, I saw a post on Facebook announcing it's closure after 34 years of business, and luckily I was able to make it just in time because they are closing this week! So, this was the first thing on my list and the first thing I can cross off.

2.) The Green Mill - This is a jazz club that has been around since the days of Al Capone - probably longer - and the original decor has remained largely intact. It is said that some of the booths face the doors and not the main stage so that the gangsters could be aware of any cops that tried to break up their fun, and promptly run for the secret passageways in the basement to escape. Although I've been to The Green Mill many times, nothing feels more Chicago to me than this place, and therefore I must go one more time.

3.) Pasta Bowl - This is a tiny restaurant located in the Lincoln Park neighborhood. It has always been my favorite spot for pasta, and no matter which neighborhood I've lived in and no matter how far away, I always go out of my way to get their yummy food. Therefore, I must go back once more - eh, maybe twice more...

4.) Open House Chicago - This event sponsored by the Chicago Architecture Foundation takes place every year in October. It is by far my favorite event because at no cost you can explore parts of many different buildings in the city that aren't generally open to the public. This event is so special to me that I'd probably move back in October instead of November if it took place earlier in the fall.

5.) Visit former apartments - I'd like to visit all of my old apartments and take a pic for a collage. It sounds strange, but I learned and grew in each place I lived, and therefore I'd like to have a record of my dwellings to enjoy for years to come.

6.) Visit former places of employment - Because I've mainly worked in skyscrapers, I see the places I used to work almost daily, but for the same reasons as #5, I'd like to have some sort of record just for fun.

7.) Navy Pier Ferris Wheel - Ok, this one isn't incredibly important to me, but just this year they installed a Ferris wheel twice the size of the old one, and I feel somewhat compelled to experience the behemoth. If this item doesn't get crossed off, though, I won't be too broken up about it.

8.) Driehaus Museum - I love old mansions, and I love museums, and somehow I only just found out about this place this year. Therefore, I must go!

9.) Antique Taco - I've never been to this restaurant for tacos, but Fabian insists it's amazing. I trust his judgement when it comes to tacos, therefore, I must go!

10.) The Max - A replica of the diner from the 90's TV show Saved By The Bell?! You bet I'll be there.

11.) Piece Pizza - Ok, I could get sent back to Ohio sooner than I planned if word of this gets out about this, but I do not care much for Chicago style deep dish pizza! Piece is more New York style and I'm obsessed. Shhhh, don't tell!

12.) Pequods Pizza - Just because I don't care for deep dish, doesn't mean I don't like pan pizza. And this place has the best!

13.) Divvy along the Lakefront - For 14 years I've lived along the Chicago lakefront. I've probably run a million miles along the lake, but would you believe I've never biked it? Seems ridiculous since it's something I've always wanted to do. So, I must cross this one off the list before I leave.

14.) Chicago Architectural River Tour - I think this is the most surprising thing I have yet to accomplish in Chicago. Everyone I know has done the tour at least once. But even with my fierce love for architecture, I have yet to experience this tour, and I just cannot fathom leaving until I do so.

15.) Asado Coffee - Ok, there is this secret small alleyway off of Jackson Blvd and I've been fascinated by it for years. A coffee shop recently opened in the teeny tiny building at the end of the alley, but every time I've tried to go so far it's been closed.

16.) Lincoln Park Bar Crawl with Sara - I've been friends with Sara for over ten years, and we used to live a block away from each other in Lincoln Park for years. So of course we accumulated our favorite bars in that time, and so we are going to formulate our own bar crawl this summer and visit all of our old favorite haunts.

I think that's it for now. I've had a lot of ups and downs during my 14 years in the big city, but I love the idea of doing all of my favorite things one last time along with a few new things so I can bid farewell to this city on a high note.

The Pursuit of Happiness

Happiness is.... being at peace with a decision that took a really, really long time to make. I have discovered that there is no such thing as "perfect timing," but there is a time when making a change feels right.

I'd been filled with anxiety for months knowing that I needed to make a change, but I hadn't felt until recently that I could pull it off, even though I'd been carefully planning a transition.

Before I made the decision to leave my job in favor of training independently, I was so nervous that it might not work out and feeling a bit guilty with the idea of leaving my loyal clients, supportive manager, and fun co-workers.

Had my trainer friend Cristina not asked me to take over her clients when she has her baby, who knows if I would've ever had the guts to leave my stable job in favor of something that is risky, yet far more suited for my personality.

Leaving my job isn't the only huge life decision I've made recently though. I will also be moving back to Ohio in the fall to be closer to my family. I know I've expressed the desire to move back to Ohio a few times in this blog, and I've finally decided that because life is short, I need to spend as much time with my family as possible. I've already missed out on so much with them.

I told Fabian I was leaving Chicago and I resigned from my job 2 days later. To say the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement, but I really am so happy and at peace with my decisions.

Before I gave my boss my resignation, I had to constantly remind myself that the reason I started this whole process of making a change is because I was working in the wrong environment, and it wasn't healthy for me. I wasn't being a brat, or negative, or lazy, or selfish for wanting things to be different.

I didn't quit when things got hard, and they got really hard soon after I started my career as a personal trainer four years ago. I never gave up at the corporate gym and instead pressed on to do the job that I love for little money in an overstimulating environment that made me miserable.

I know it must sound dramatic to non-introverts, but working in an overstimulating environment has cost me plenty over the years including energy, friendships, a social life, the desire to try new things, and the desire to find love. And yet, I still felt guilty for wanting to get out of my situation. I felt guilty for not having the energy to be more successful at work despite the energy-draining environment.

I should never feel guilty about wanting to be happy though. I shouldn't ever feel guilty for wanting to do my work the way I want to do it in the environment that is better suited for me. In fact, the more I read about being an entrepreneur, the more I uncover just how much I was meant to do work all along. It turns out that I'm not lazy and I don't hate hard work. I just need more autonomy to be happy.

Before I resigned, and now that I'm on my own, I'm choosing to trust that everything will work out for me. Making big life changes is scary, and things have never really gone smoothly for me in the past when I've made big changes. But this time I carefully planned my transition. I have the experience, confidence, work ethic, and motivation to be successful and don't have to rely on luck. This change is also different because now I know exactly what I want after having experienced major extremes in my adult life. Bottom line - I want work/life balance and the chance to be truly happy doing what I love exactly how I want to do it. I fucking deserve it.

Regarding my big moving plans, I think I was more nervous about telling Fabian about going back to Ohio than I was about quitting my my job. I know Fabian loves me and the bunnies so much, and we love him so much, so it truly breaks my heart to leave him. But I know in my heart that I can't feel guilty for wanting to be close to my family.

I came, I saw, I conquered the big city, and now it's time to go home. A few months ago I was at the checkout counter at Dick's Sporting Goods and when the cashier asked for my zip code, I instinctively rattled off "44223, " even though I haven't lived in Ohio for 14 years. That moment really made me think. Clearly my desire to be home is subconscious as well as conscious.

But I waited to announce my decision until my head was in agreement with my heart, and my subconscious mind was in alignment with my conscious mind regarding the reality of making the move. And even though there is no such thing as perfect timing - because I can think of a million excuses to stay - the thought of moving home feels absolutely right.

Living in the Past 14 Years

I have been far too distracted in my adult life by the things I don't want, rather than focusing on what I do want. If I'm not stressed about my financial situation at any given time, and worrying if I'll ever know what it's like to experience financial freedom, then I'm too concentrated on the fact that I work in a place that is not conducive to me being successful in my career.

I should, in fact, be fantasizing about what it's like to experience financial freedom and figuring out how to achieve it, as well as getting my ass out of my current work environment and figuring out how to do my job in a way that allows me to live up to my full potential.

I have the confidence, experience, and education to do what I want, exactly the way I want it, and yet I feel so out of control of the direction of my life. But if I don't suck it up and take control, who the fuck will?

I'm fucking 37 years old. It is time to do things differently. It is time to do things that will benefit me in the long run, instead of worrying about how behind I am and wondering how I'm going to get through today.

I should know by now that trial and error is okay, as long as I keep moving forward. I really don't have anything to lose, except everything. But I can bounce back from losing everything. I've gotten this far, haven't I?

I crave autonomy in all aspects of my life, especially my career. I can have that autonomy if I just push myself a little harder. Actually, at the present moment life is lighting a fire under my ass to get me moving. The universe has a funny way of doing this to me - to all of us. And I don't resent the universe for making me move. Sometimes the universe has more confidence in me than I do.

Ever since I became a college student and my inner world was exposed to dreams I had never dared to dream, and thoughts I never thought to think, I've seen myself doing something above average with my life. Even when I couldn't pin point what that above average thing was, I knew I was meant to do something different from most folks.

14 years ago, for example, I knew I had to move to the big city. I've also always known that I never wanted to be bogged down with marriage and kids because I knew in my heart I was meant to take a different path. I knew I didn't want to be like everyone else because I've always known that I'm not like everyone else.

When I moved to Chicago 14 years ago this very month, I thought that I was supposed to be a successful business woman, even though anything related to business bored me to tears. I was a receptionist, then an administrative assistant, then an event planner, then a commissions associate. None of those titles thrilled me or felt at all natural for me, but I conjured a fair amount of enthusiasm and gave each role my very best.

I finally switched careers four years ago to do something that lit my insides on fire and made me excited to go to work. And while I still absolutely love what I do, I learned early on that the environment is all wrong for me. A busy, loud, crowded commercial gym is the exact opposite of what is considered an ideal environment for an introvert. But, as with everything I have ever done, I have always given my best, fully knowing that my best in the wrong environment will never be good enough.

I need to stop beating myself up about not fitting in, because I'm holding myself back by doing so. I need to look forward and press on, thankful that I have the ability to do my job differently. I do have the possibility to fulfill my potential and become financially free. It's time. I can't waste any more time bemoaning my current situation when a fulfilling and financially free future awaits.

Life of a Career Changer - Year 3

"Don't get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life."

My third year of personal training has been a roller coaster ride of unimaginable heights and speeds. I went from being the Top Trainer at the beginning of my 3rd year to hitting my lowest session count in over a year during the spring, to turning everything around to be the Top Trainer again this summer.

There were more challenges with clients this year than ever before, but there were also that many more rewards. I've said it before and I'll say it again - my clients are the reason I do what I do. I am committed to them and their success, and I wish there was more time in the day so I could dedicate even more time to them. I truly believe that what I do is important, and I feel that I do a pretty good job of it. It's also a lot of FUN. Sometimes when I put too much pressure on myself, I have to remind myself that what I am doing is a great stress reliever for my clients, and even though they are getting their butts kicked, it's also an opportunity to have FUN. That is why I have stuck around for so long regardless of the struggles.

Speaking of struggles, perhaps the biggest struggle as a personal trainer is dealing with how much of my social life I've given up just to be successful at my job. I know it sounds dramatic, but for an extreme introvert like me, being "on" for so many hours in a week completely drains and exhausts me to the point that making plans with anyone, no matter how much I enjoy them and their company, seems impossible. Impossible not because I don't have the time (although that is a big factor), but impossible because I have zero energy and attention left to give.

No one understands me though. No one could possibly understand what I feel at the end of the day and week unless they have a similar temperament to mine and are doing what I'm doing for a living. Working in a chaotic, loud, busy environment is too much for my nervous system to handle on a daily basis. Talking, talking, talking, and exuding positive energy at all times wears down my battery faster than an iPhone 5. I require A LOT of down time to recharge and recover my nervous system just to feel like a normal person again, and unfortunately that means I don't have time for much else.

I usually get blank stares when I try to explain myself to most people about how I'm feeling most of the time. But imagine showing up to work at 6am after only 4 hours of sleep with a killer hangover and having to be at your best self for your client while being observed and judged by countless other people? Sounds horrible, right? I feel like this every morning - except there is no alcohol involved. Imagine being at work at 9pm on the same day you got to work at 6am and are still nursing that hangover 15 hours later? This is how I feel most of the time. Sometimes I don't know how I get through my own workouts except that not having to talk during that time refuels me for a bit.

This physical and mental exhaustion has not only cost me time with friends over the years, but it's prevented me from going out and meeting new people and having new experiences all together. Additionally, I was particularly disappointed a couple weeks ago when I was at my cousin's wedding and my feet hurt too much to dance (a result of developing plantar fasciitis from standing at work all day long) and I was too wiped out to seek out and visit with cousins, aunts, and uncles who I only get to see once or twice a year. I didn't have as much fun with my family as I wanted to at that wedding because I'm perpetually tired from work. What kind of life am I living if I'm giving up my life to make a living?

So what do I do? My career is important to me. I love working with my clients. I cannot stress this enough. They are incredible people who teach me so much even when I'm teaching them. I believe the work is important and I believe I'm good at what I do. But how long can I keep sacrificing friendships, new experiences and time with family? I work with a boatload of extroverts, and even though many of them work as much as I do and are also tired, they all manage to find the energy to hang out together. I've declined invites from them so many times that they don't even bother to ask me anymore. This makes me sad, but on the other hand, I get it. I always say no. And I don't say no because I don't want to join them - I say no because I'm too tired and need to restore and reserve my energy for the next day so I can honor the value of the investment that my clients have made in me and themselves.

I think if I had my own private personal training studio then things would change dramatically for me. It would be one-on-one or very small group training, and non-shitty music would be played at a reasonable volume. Also, no one would be allowed to slam weights. Grunting is the only obnoxious noise that would be accepted though, because lets face it - when you are working hard enough, sometimes ya gotta grunt!

Ahh an introverted girl can dream...

An introverted girl can also turn her dreams into reality is she wants something badly enough...

Ruts and Glory

Years ago I was going through a tough time in my life where I was desperately unhappy with my job and suffering from a serious financial crisis. I felt incredibly sad and angry for being in such a terrible life situation, yet I couldn't stop my feelings of hopelessness and despair, and therefore I couldn't find the motivation to find my way out of my rut.

I also felt upset that I felt so low and that I wasn't automatically able to "get over it" no matter how hard I tried. I recall having a dream around that time that I had fallen into a sink hole, but instead of screaming for help and fighting for a way out, I just stayed there. Calm. Unable to move. I allowed myself to relax and didn't bother putting up a fight. I trusted that if I were meant to find a way out, I'd find a way out. That dream was very alarming to me at the time, and I wondered if I was in fact ready to give up on life.

But not long after that dream, I allowed myself to calm down and relax in my waking life despite whatever troubles I was experiencing, and instead of giving up, I eventually found the motivation to take action.

Why do we as humans always feel so guilty for experiencing negative feelings from time to time though? Why do we insist on shelving our negative emotions, when our emotions are true and authentic and beg to be experienced? The more we resist our true feelings, the longer they are perpetuated, making us feel too paralyzed to take action. I have the tendency to do this to myself a lot.

I'm going through another tough time in my life, and I'll admit I've been stewing over things that are wrong instead of appreciating things that are right. I've felt pressure to take action to fix things even with having zero idea of what steps to take. As a result, I've been feeling paralyzed again. Stuck in a rut.

But this weekend I recalled the book I read last summer called, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. The Power of Now suggests embracing whatever we are feeling at any given time. By giving in to our feelings, we go through them, not over them, which leads us to clear our minds and regain a positive attitude. Embracing our feelings, no matter how unpleasant, validates them, but also makes us realize we don't want to feel them for too long, and therefore compels us to take action.

I also read a few articles this weekend about the positive side to losing your shit and the importance of practicing emotional first aid. I've been so quick to panic and worry about my life situation, and then quick to panic and worry because I'm feeling so down. But I forgot that I'm not the only one to experience this kind of thing.

I also forgot that Stephanie Madden doesn't simply believe in "getting over it," which is a very harsh and unattainable idea. If it were so easy to "get over it," then psychologists and self help books wouldn't exist. I think one needs to "go through it" in order to come out stronger. At least I find that it helps me to "go through it" in order to rekindle my motivation to move forward and achieve.

So, for the last few days I chose to allow myself to ignore everything and just feel whatever I was feeling, no matter how unpleasant. And a funny thing happened as a consequence. I woke up this beautiful Sunday morning with a strong desire to accomplish, create, and cross things off my To Do list. I didn't feel hopeless this morning, I felt hopeful. I felt positive that I would have a productive day, and I did. I'm not 100% in the clear of negative emotions, but not being perfectly content is what makes us want to move forward in the first place. Pushing everything aside until I was ready to face it properly was an important exercise for me in not letting myself spiral out of control into a sinkhole of sadness.

As with strength training, actual strength is gained during recovery. The very same principle applies  to life. With a little R&R and emotional first aid, it is possible recover ourselves and find our way out of a rut.

It's important (although not easy) to let everything go that isn't totally in your control and trust in yourself and God that things will eventually turn around. They always do. Things always turn around when you are emotionally ready and willing to find the energy to turn negative into positive.

Decidedly Undecided

I hate making decisions. I'm a Libra, so it makes perfect sense that I crave balance and have trouble choosing one thing over another, as I'm constantly weighing the pros and cons of all my choices. Having to make decisions drives me crazy, and I'm never fully convinced I made the right choice anyway, which can be totally depressing.

I realized recently that being a kid means not having to make decisions, yet it still means being able to fully enjoy an ever-changing and evolving life. For instance, as a kid you go from 7th grade to 8th grade, you transition from middle school to high school, you always get a break during summer, you don't have to decide what's for dinner, etc.

But being an adult means constantly seeking the motivation to evolve. Even when you know your current situation is stagnant or unsatisfying and that it's simply time to move on, the mere thought of the process required for change is very daunting when you have no idea what you should do next.

How do we figure out what to do with no instructions laid out before us? How do we know that whatever we choose won't be a total bonehead move loaded with repercussions that will take too long to reverse? We don't know. We'll never know. Because there is no set transition from 30th grade to 31st grade with a customary summer break in between or whatever.

When I was miserable working in Corporate America, every idea I had to change was usually shot down when I began to research my options. For example, more schooling would be too costly, doing such and such would pay too little, etc.

But several years ago I decided to jump ship anyway to become a personal trainer, fully knowing that I would be making less money in my new career. I've managed to survive, but barely.

This time, however, my desire to change warrants more opportunities for me because I am a fitness professional, but I am overwhelmed at the thought of where to begin to make a change. I'd love to be an independent trainer, but I'm worried that my ever-fluctuating self-confidence would get in my way of sustaining a successful business. That, and relying on others for my income is an already scary reality I deal with at my current job in a big box gym where clients are abundant, but not always consistent.

So how do I believe in myself more? How do I develop the perpetual self-confidence it takes to be my own boss? I've always pictured business owners as confident, aggressive, perpetually self-motivated people who don't know the meaning of self-doubt, and I feel as if I am the direct opposite of all those things.

I feel like I have no business running my own business and maybe I should just learn to get comfortable with being told what to do for the rest of my working years. Maybe I need to accept that there will always be someone above me making money off of my efforts while I earn a paltry sum for my hard work.

Cripes. That sounds so fucking miserable.

...Aaaaand I think I found my motivation.

What I Learned in 2014

At the beginning of last year, I declared in this  post that 2014 would be a rebuilding year. 365 days has officially come and gone, and I can say with confidence that I have successfully "rebuilt" myself into a person I'm proud to be and that I'm living a life that I'm proud of as well. Essentially, all it took was learning how to live as authentically as possible for me to be happy and feel successful with my life.

I find myself reflecting on the events of 2014 quite a bit. While no major milestones were reached, a tremendous amount of personal growth occurred, which only made me realize how much more I have to learn and how much more I want to do in this lifetime.

One big thing I learned in 2014 is how to really, truly, love someone by forgiving them of their flaws, and accepting that I can still be loved despite mine. I often wonder where I'd be in life had I never met my BFF. He has taught me so much, supported me so much, pushed me so much, and most of all, has loved me so much. Despite my stubborn and resistant nature, he has stood by my side through thick and thin and has taught me what it really means to love.

The relationship with my BFF strengthened immeasurably in 2014. Because of him (and in addition to some very powerful self help-ish books*), I finally realized how relationships are supposed to work. And I can no longer be the kind of person who participates in negative gossip or behavior, nor can I tolerate people who (inadvertently) make me feel judged, inferior, and are not supportive of my lifestyle and choices. Real, true friends express their honest opinions to your face, and are encouraging and supportive of you no matter what.

Another thing I learned in 2014 is that stuff is just stuff. In the big city, it's very easy to get caught up in the glamour and wish for all that sparkles and shines, because money and the "stuff" it affords is often flaunted and always easily visible. But while stuff is pretty to look at, stuff does not mean that the people who own it are necessarily happy. I guess this is pretty obvious, but I spent a lot of years comparing myself to others and dwelling on all the things I didn't have, so I need to repeat this lesson to myself more than I'm proud to admit.

But it brings me to my next point. I learned how to be at peace with myself despite whatever life situation I'm experiencing. 2014 taught me to really, truly, cherish the little things. The feeling after a workout and after a shower makes me so joyful. Folding laundry, cleaning, and preparing a meal all make me feel good because I'm taking care of my life and successfully managing the things I am able to control. Seeing a client progress before my eyes, cuddling with my bunny and BFF, and exploring the city with my BFF just to take pics made me so insanely happy and appreciative this year.

I learned that making memories with the people you love is far more important than making a lot of money. I make less than half the salary I was making at my job in Corporate America, but my job affords me the time and flexibility to be able to spend lots of time with the people who matter to me most. I was able to visit my family 5 times this year! I was also able to take my BFF and my fur baby along for 2 of those trips. To be able to have the people who mean the absolute most to me on this earth in one room together several times this year was definitely a major highlight.

Speaking of my fur baby, I learned that adopting and loving a fur baby makes me more present, more patient, more aware, and overwhelms me with love. I'm in love with a bunny and I don't care who knows it! She really is my baby and I am committed to giving her the best life possible. I was meant to meet her this year and my life has been increasingly blessed ever since I brought her home on that mild summer evening in early August.

Finally, I learned that the lessons one learns as an adult must be practiced. Constantly. Constantly practiced. The lessons learned as an adult are not as easy to recall as learning state capitals or times tables. Our minds are already super conditioned in our 30's, so it takes extra efforts to be able to change your mind about something, or be open to new ideas, or new ways of doing things.

For 2015 I made a list of 15 goals to work towards all year long, just as I had made 14 goals for 2014. I reached all but a few, but I learned that working towards goals (no matter how big, significant, or small) makes me feel more purposeful and well-rounded, and motivates me to want to do bigger and better things in life.

The lessons I want to put into practice for 2015 are to not to let money, or the lack thereof, control me and rule my life. For nearly my entire adult life I've let money govern my world. But there are so many times in life that you cannot control unexpected expenses, or bad months for personal training. I'm learning to have faith and to trust that I'll always have enough, because enough is all I need. But I have the tendency to easily fall off the tight rope of confidence and stress about money, and I want to stress less about money this year. I'm very responsible, and deep down I know I don't need to worry, so I guess I need to continue practicing trusting myself, trusting the universe, and knowing that money is only money, and my worth as a human being is not determined by how much money I have in the bank. I'll be okay no matter what, because I won't let myself not be okay.

Also for 2015, I want to learn how to and then practice relinquishing so much control over my life. I have a terrible habit of wanting every detail of my life to be controlled and managed, and I feel like this may be hurting me from progressing further in life. Basically, I need to get comfortable with taking chances by getting uncomfortable more often. I've taken some pretty big risks in my life, and the results been no easy adjustment, so I've become a little gun shy when it comes to change, even though the risks I've taken have been completely worthy of risk.

I don't think I've ever been more enlightened, felt more positive, or basked in more peace when starting a new year like I am this year. I'm excited to see what 2015 will bring, all the while enjoying each moment of each day as it happens. Stay present, my friends, and cheers to 2015!

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." - Henry David Thoreau

*The aforementioned "self help-ish" books that contributed to my increased inner peace and brighter outlook on life are as follows:

The Voice of Knowledge by don Miguel Ruiz:  http://www.miguelruiz.com/store/books-card-decks/
The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz:   http://www.miguelruiz.com/store/books-card-decks/
The Power of Now by Elkhart Tolle:  http://www.eckharttolle.com/books/now/

Life of a Career Changer - Two Years Later

It's sort of unbelievable that I've been a fitness professional for two whole years now! While the first year of my new life was incredibly challenging and full of ups and downs, the second year has been overwhelmingly rewarding. Through struggle, I gained confidence in my first year that I was able to utilize for a successful second year. I'm not saying my second year was a breeze, but there were far more ups than downs, and I learned how to manage myself better when the going got tough.

If I had known two years ago how hard it would be to switch careers, I may have been too scared to ever do so. But in this case, ignorance was bliss, and I've been fulfilling my purpose ever since I jumped out of my comfort zone only to land in a field where I truly belong.

In past blog posts regarding my first year as a personal trainer, I often bemoaned the sacrifices that came with change and moving forward. What I learned in my second year though, is that those sacrifices didn't mean I was giving much up after all. For instance, my paychecks aren't as beefy as they were when I worked in Corporate America, but I feel as if I'm getting by better than ever. Somehow I'm managing to save some money. Somehow I'm managing to pay all my bills. Somehow I still have enough left over for good food and fun activities. I firmly believe that when you find a way to do what you are meant to do, God takes care of the rest.

Another sacrifice I often mentioned in previous blog posts was giving up so much time with my closest girlfriends. What I failed to mention, though, is that the lives of my girlfriends have evolved in some way right along with mine during the last two years. If I had never made a change to my own life in order to preserve the frequency of which I saw them, then I would have only been left behind while everyone else moved forward.

I was so sad for so long that my lifestyle was drastically altered after initially making a career switch, but I'm not sad about it anymore. In fact, I'm beyond grateful because I now feel as if I'm truly honoring my authentic self. Work and exercise take up a huge chunk of my time, and I'm okay with that. This means I spend a large part of my life doing what I love. Yes, I'm often too tired to be social on the weekends, but I don't feel as if I'm missing out on anything. I now feel as if my life is so rich that I require more downtime because I'm so busy actually living my life. Working in a cube for 40 hours per week only made me feel as if I was wasting away. And going to bars and drinking on the weekends never really made me feel that good anyway. And it definitely never made me feel good the next day. When health became a top priority for me, I realized that life is too short to waste Sundays on the couch being hungover.

Many times during that first year I felt like giving up. But a little voice inside my head heart kept telling me to "keep going." And in my second year, I learned how to appreciate the pros despite the cons of my new career and realized that no job is perfect. I learned not to take anything personally. I learned how important it is to not compromise my integrity regardless of opinions from clients and coworkers. I learned that hard work and giving everything I've got is the only way to find success on the path to working for what I so strongly believe in, and accepting that doing so still might not be enough. I also learned how important it is to have a best friend/roommate (who has also been a mentor to me) readily and willingly available for support at all times, especially when my confidence was shaky.

Perhaps the biggest takeaway from my second year is gaining the courage and the confidence to grow even more in my field. I don't want to become stagnant at my current place of employment, and instead would like to see where and how far I can take my talents. When I wrote this  post last year, I wondered where I'd be one year from then. I speculated that maybe I'd be a more successful and developed trainer, and I can definitely say that is 100% accurate. I've held the #3 spot and top female spot for the last year for personal training at my gym. But I do also have to wonder where I'll be one year from now. Wherever I find myself, I want to find myself growing in my field and even more successful than I am today. And the simple act of believing in myself ensures that I'll get there.

"It is your patience and your labor that allows miracles to happen." - Elizabeth Gilbert

Embracing Choppy Waters

Life is never easy. There are moments in life that are effortless and easy, but life itself is not easy, per se. Well, no life worth living, that is. Right? Or am I wrong? I'm always fighting to become stronger, happier, and smarter, and that's not easy. I'm exhausted most of the time. I'm exhausted from trying so hard. I'm exhausted from trying, succeeding, and then having to keep trying to be even more successful. It's a cycle that never ends. Instead of living in the moment and basking in happiness, I constantly feel pressure from myself to be more, and to do more. Most of the time, no matter how much I accomplish, I still feel lazy and behind everyone else. I want so much more, but I am discouraged at the thought of  how much more I'd need to drain myself to get there. And once I get there, won't I pressure myself to find a reason to want and work for even more anyway? Is trying to be the best of your best worth it? Is it worth feeling completely wiped out all of the time? I never feel like I'm good enough no matter what I do anyway. I'm afraid to give myself a break, because what if I get so comfortable that I end up giving up on my dreams completely? Sometimes I feel like there is no right way to live life. There are always difficult sacrifices and trade-offs which make me think it may be impossible to "have it all." Hope and a positive attitude keep me from giving up, but I have yet to experience even a glimpse of "having it all." Instead of trying so damn hard, maybe I should just let go and let life play out. But if I do that, won't I end up watching life pass me by? If I keep relentlessly trying to have everything I want, on the other hand, will I ever truly let myself be satisfied? There is a fine line in there somewhere, and I have yet to pinpoint that line.

Last year around this time I was experiencing some major uncertainties in my life. I was $13 short on my rent and seriously reconsidering my career as a personal trainer. Do I stick with it? Do I give up now and save myself further grief? Back and forth, back and forth my brain was volleying options like a tennis ball. No option seemed like a good one and so I was paralyzed with indecision. But then, at my lowest point, desperately seeking a sign for which direction to take, I was walking to the train one night after work and found exactly $13 on the street. Just enough to cover the full amount of my rent. It was a sign to keep going, and I soon found myself accelerating in my career.

One year later, I don't consider myself in a low spot, per se, but I do find myself facing uncertainties again. I feel pressure by society and myself to avoid settling for current circumstances, and instead to seek out and work for bigger and better goals.

Some people work their whole lives at the same job and they are happy. Other people relentlessly pursue their passions and are not happy. I worked at the same job for years and wished it made me happy, but I was too restless and felt pressure from within to want more for myself. Now that I'm one of those people who works relentlessly to live off of what they are passionate about, I feel happy when I'm doing my work, but anxious and exhausted from the difficulties in making it work.

I've embraced the frequently choppy waters that accompany my sail through life, but that doesn't mean I handle it well. I'm emotionally sensitive and over think everything. Risk is a word that I dislike, and yet that word  has defined a major part of the past 2 years of my life. According to society, countless self-help books, and those eye-roll inducing inspirational memes on Pinterest, taking risks is supposed to make me happy, but mostly the idea of taking a risk makes me crazy. But so does staying idle. This is why life is not easy. I'm constantly paralyzed by infinite options and both major and minor decisions, so more often than not, I remain idle while entertaining the risks I want to take.

I don't regret a single risk I've ever taken though. Dealing with sacrifices has definitely been the most difficult part of any risk I've taken, but I've also gained strength, insight, and wisdom from navigating my way through choppy waters. There may not be a right way to live life, but dealing with the challenges of perpetually chasing your dreams rather than the challenges regretting risks not taken can't possibly be wrong.

2014 - A "Rebuilding" Year

Regarding sports, whether professional or college, I often hear that teams find themselves going through a "rebuilding" season or two after several stellar seasons, and after the star players either retire or graduate. The first year is always expected to be tough when there are so many new players involved. Teams find themselves losing games despite relentless hard work during the "rebuilding" time period, but only until they can gain experience and learn to find a formula that works, ultimately leading the team to more wins than losses.

After going through some really stellar years in my life, and then deciding to make a total life change, I found myself starting all over again, not unlike a former championship sports team. I believe that the hardest part is now over though, and there has been a solid foundation built, which is providing the groundwork for many potential future championship years.

***

 Sometimes I forget that writing brings me peace. Writing is usually the solution to any problem I'm dealing with, and yet I've all but neglected my favorite outlet during the entire year of 2013.

Writing clears the junk in my head, and therefore creates room for happiness. But for the past year, I couldn't even make the effort to sit down and write. I felt very diluted and sort of dumbed-down and couldn't seem to get my head straight and organized enough to take the time to do what I need to do in order to foster my love of writing in 2013.

But my severe writer's block didn't just happen for no reason. My life completely changed in 2013, and I had a desperately difficult time adjusting to my altered existence, including finding the time and energy to sit down and churn out a blog post.

Now let's backtrack a little. You see, the story of my writing rise and eventual demise all started in 2011 when I decided there were two things missing from my life that I desperately wanted: a boyfriend and a career that I loved.

Looking back though, my life was really freakin' great in 2011. I had a steady job and made decent money to pretty much do as I pleased. I had no debt save for a manageable chunk of the pesky student loan variety. I had plenty of time and energy to volunteer, work out, and visit with friends & family. Had I not hated my job so much back then, or weren't so hung up on bemoaning my single status, I'd go so far as to say that my life was pretty damn near perfect. But, as human nature would have it, near perfect wasn't good enough, and I wanted more. I wanted two more things, specifically. BIG things. And although I knew they were BIG, I had no idea back then that actually acquiring a boyfriend and a new career would impact and change my life in ways I'd never have imagined, yet not entirely for the better...

Ok so fast forward to the beginning of 2013, approximately two years after I had stopped dreaming and started pursuing, and I finally had everything I've ever wanted. I should have been overjoyed, right? However, I found myself overwhelmed by the work and responsibility of having both a boyfriend and a demanding career, and was bummed out by the sacrifices it takes to be successful with each. I may have had what I wanted, but it didn't come without sacrificing things I didn't really want to sacrifice, which caused a fucking confusing mess in my head.  

Regarding my new career as a personal trainer, for instance, I had to re-learn how to be as poor as a newly minted and naive college grad as I faced the daunting task of building my business from scratch. And even though I consider myself successful with my career now, I learned early on that personal training is a career in which one can never truly be comfortable, and one can always face a "bad month" following a "good month." Not knowing how much money I'm going to bring in each month is terrifying, and I had some pretty shabby months that caused a lot of stress during 2013.

Additionally, sacrificing a lifestyle I was well-accustomed to prior to my career change was something I was not prepared for when I resigned from Cubeville, USA. I had to give up shopping for pleasure, vacation days, frequently dining out, having enough energy to go out on the weekends, and pretty much doing anything other than work on a week night. Those are the things I loved about my old life, but immediately had to relinquish when I became a personal trainer.

Navigating through the first year of my new career was a difficult road, but make no mistake, it was a road that was dotted with many notable rewards along the way. While I wouldn't change my choice to switch careers, I just wish I hadn't had to sacrifice what made me happy before I switched. 

With regards to entering into a serious relationship and living with a boyfriend for the first time in my life, I learned quickly after becoming a couple that an independent mind doesn't exactly help a relationship to thrive. There was a lot of tension caused by my lack of sharing thoughts and not communicating issues. Being in a relationship with someone and living with them is a million times more difficult than I ever thought it'd be, as I'm not the biggest fan of compromise... or sharing.

My mind was also usually preoccupied with my main man and how his every move affected my life. I realize this is ridiculous and know that kind of thought process deeply hindered my growth and development as a grown ass woman last year, but I didn't know how to make it stop. I was being taught lesson after lesson, but would never really learn anything because I continued to repeat the same harmful patterns of jealousy, despondence, and defensiveness. I created situations in my head regarding the whereabouts or actions of my significant other that were completely false, then I'd proceed to shut down and offer up a heaping portion of passive-aggressive behavior when questioned about my withdrawal or negative attitude.

I recognize that I have the tendency to be really immature in relationships due to my lack of experience with them. There. I admit it. In the past year, I've learned that I'm not always right. In fact, I'm mostly wrong. My feelings are real, but they aren't necessarily justified.

In fact, I spent a lot of time in 2013 feeling as though everyone except me already knows how to navigate through the A,B,C's of relationships as easily as reciting the alphabet. But here I am at 35 years old still learning that L comes before M, which comes before N, which comes before O, etc.

I often wondered (and still do, truth be told) if I'm simply not cut out to be in a relationship, after all. Or at the very least that I'm simply not cut out for marriage. Instead of feeling whole or complete when I'm with someone, I usually feel like an imitation version of myself. The generic equivalent. During the rare periods of time when I am in a relationship, I feel as though I am not able to make simple decisions on my own, and even feel paralyzed by them. I tend to lose the ability to think for myself, and that terrifies me.

I'm incredibly independent by nature, so perhaps nature is constantly reminding me that I need to remain that way so as not to cause a glitch in the Matrix? I'm having a hard time typing this, because who the hell feels like they are better off being alone rather than with the person they do, indeed, love? Like, really, truly, love! That's crazy, right?!

I may have learned a lot of unfavorable qualities about myself during my relationship throughout the past year, but I do feel as if I've grown since learning them, and I'm continuing to learn on a daily basis. I have the good fortune of being with someone who is nothing but honest. And that honesty, although extremely startling and painful at times, is exactly what I need in order to consistently improve myself.

But don't get me wrong, living with a significant other can also be THE FUNNEST!! Having someone around who always makes me laugh and always knows how to reassure me that everything is going to be okay when I have trouble seeing light at the end of the tunnel is something for which I'm eternally thankful. I have a lot of love to give, and nothing makes me happier than coming home after a long day and snuggling up to the one I truly love with all my heart.

I constantly crave peace, order, tranquility and creativity. But for most of 2013, I felt as if I didn't have those things in my life anymore. I recall fondly that I once did have those things. I used to feel smart even around people I considered smarter than me. But for the past year I've been so distracted and/or consumed with dealing with the changes in my life that I felt as though I had nothing to contribute and that my thoughts and opinions were completely nonsensical anyway. I spent a lot of time feeling as though I'm getting older and dumber, not older and wiser. 

But now it's 2014. A blank slate. And I plan to get my life back in order so that I'm happy, organized, motivated and successful in all areas of my life. So how do I plan to do this? Well, for starters, I've already set 14 goals for myself for 2014. As experience has taught me, setting goals - however big or small - really helps me stay organized and usually leads me to bigger and better things. So even if I haven't nailed down my next big life project, I find that setting smaller goals and accomplishing them usually leads me in the right direction. 

Above all, my main goal is to get back to being me. The "me" before the career change, and before the relationship. I miss the Stephanie who blogged regularly, took solo walks that lasted for hours, was organized in every aspect of  her life, spent lots of time with friends, cooked often, read often, watched independent and foreign films, frequently dined at new restaurants, and drank bubbly on the weekends. I miss that Stephanie. She was really freakin' happy. And while I never want to go back to work in an office just to make more money, I want to find a way to be happy with my career and not have to struggle so much financially.

Some sacrifices are required when making life changes, I realize this. But when all the good things before the big change are cancelled out to make room for the new stuff, it's time to question priorities and decide what is truly important in life. Therefore, it's time to "rebuild" my life and work towards reincorporating and holding on to all the good stuff that has and always will make my life so sweet.

Life of a Career Changer - One Year Later

One year has passed since I became a Certified Personal Trainer and was hired to work for Fitness Formula Clubs as such.

Shortly after jumping feet first into my new career, I declared in a Facebook status that the grass was greener on the side of my new career. But soon after I began to question whether or not it was, in fact, greener, or if the grass was simply a different color.

Working as a personal trainer is so much more difficult that I ever imagined, but it is also more rewarding than I ever imagined. For instance, whereas I was accustomed to getting paid to blog all day long and take two-hour lunch breaks at a corporate job I never took seriously, I now work my butt off and get paid very little, if at all. Sometimes, though, those hours of providing complimentary workouts and consultations are worth their weight in gold. It is an incredible feeling to open one's eyes to something new and something that is going to benefit that person greatly. That part is rewarding, yes. The part about struggling to pay my bills and not being able to see my friends because I can't afford leisurely activities is a little more difficult for me.

I have so much fun at work, though, and never ever have I ever once had a case of the "Mondays." The environment is positive, I get to make my own schedule (although I tend to work the opposite hours of a standard 9 to 5 shift). But the non-traditional schedule and the breaks in the middle of the day allow me to work out when the gym is empty, which is a feeling akin to having an entire playground to yourself. I also have the freedom to leave and go work out with my own coach if I so choose. I don't have to sit behind a desk all day staring at boring ass spreadsheets, which is certainly a plus. I have the freedom to dictate how I go about my day because no one is micromanaging my every move. On the flip side, my schedule differs daily and can change any minute, so it's hard for me to nail down some structure, which is a hurdle I still haven't overcome in a year's time.

I also work in a proverbial fish bowl, where I can be seen and observed at all times, which is a little uncomfortable for this introvert. In fact, I'll see club members on the street or in a coffee shop who will strike up a conversation with me about my job or the gym, and many times I could swear I've never seen the person before in my life. I'm still not used to that and not I'm not sure I will ever be comfortable with it. Whereas I used to grumble about the fact that I never saw anyone outside of the 8 people in my office and only talked to 3 of them, I suddenly work in an environment where over a thousand people pass through each day. Having to be "on" all day long is incredibly exhausting. At the end of the day, the last thing I want is to hear my own voice or any sort of noise for that matter. But I have learned to deal with the exhaustion, and I maintain that my clients are worth me at my best. If I don't bring the energy then I fail them, and that's unacceptable to me.

Additionally, even though I thought I escaped the corporate world, my job and the company I work for is far more corporate than I ever predicted. We have monthly goals and weekly meetings, and I find myself checking my work email ALL THE TIME. Sometimes all that stuff makes me feel like a sellout, but most of the time I don't mind it. I deal with that stuff because my personal mission, which is most important and what I'm most disciplined about, is making sure that I'm there for my clients by doing whatever I need to do to go above and beyond to help them reach their goals.

In a year's time, I've also had time to discover and develop the type of trainer I am. I love training people (especially runners) with little to zero weight training experience. Starting from 0 and watching people become stronger and physically change before my eyes is such a cool feeling. Knowing that the way I communicate and give direction and push them is what is helping to change them is a huge payoff, and worth way more than any paycheck. I also know for a fact that training with my own trainer makes me a better trainer. Paying $300 to get certified in some bullsh!t fitness trend like TRX or kettle bells might make someone look credible, but I choose to remain true to what has worked for me, and it doesn't involve the flashy exercises that get attention from onlookers. Instead, I teach people the exercises that will get them results.

So, where exactly do I stand one year later? Well, I absolutely love my job and my clients. But I've learned that personal training is a career that is not comfortable and it never will be, and I'm still trying to get comfortable with that idea. There is always room to improve and work harder, which isn't a bad thing, but I also feel like I could do everything and everything still would not be good enough.

I often contemplate where I'll be one year from now. Still in Chicago? Working as a more successful and developed trainer? Taking my career as a fitness professional to a different or higher level? The future is uncertain, as it always is. Surprise is the beauty of life, and life surprises me constantly. I no longer fear the unknown. In fact, when I was stuck at my desk job, I literally felt stuck there. For so many years.

So, perhaps the biggest takeaway from making a total career overhaul one year ago is that I'm no longer as terrified of change as I once was. Yes, change is still scary to me, but I've learned that even though adapting is difficult, it is not impossible. I'm no longer afraid that making a change will not be a good decision, because having the courage to move forward and try something new will always be a good decision.

Cram Session

It has been a long time since I updated this blog. Too long. My new career has taken over my life during the past few months, but I finally feel like life is settling down enough for me to take the time to sort out my thoughts - as they do still find at least a little time to swirl around in this noggin of mine. So let's play catch up, shall we?

So much has happened since I last wrote. I suffered a running injury only a few days after I posted my last entry that has prevented me from training as intensely as I wrote about in my last post. It has been a learning experience, it has made me more compassionate toward my clients dealing with injuries, but most of all it has been a pain in the ass. I had to totally skip out on race season, including the Hot Chocolate 15k, which was my main goal for the 8 plus months of training leading up to it. But I vow to come back faster and stronger than ever before. I'm now also far more in tune and aware of my body and its' limitations, which can only serve as an advantage in the future.
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Additionally, my personal training career has also taken off quicker and more successfully than I ever could have imagined. It's exhausting, but I love it. I'm challenged every single day. I'm rewarded every single day. It's exactly what I was meant to do!

I have also moved within the last two months. And I moved in with roommates! Fiercely independent and introverted, I'm the last person who ever thought I'd live with roommates again, but I'm really enjoying it. Living alone for so long was wearing on me and making me feel so lonely and empty. And now I'm living with two other people who are not only incredible friends, but who also share my passion for health and fitness. The energy in our house is positively wonderful, and it's comforting to feel like part of a "family," regardless of how unconventional. One of my roommates is Fabian, the trainer that helped guide me to change my life and that I've mentioned in so many other posts. I never dreamed that when I met him a year ago, that we'd end up sharing the same address only one year later! Life is so weird. My other roommate, Jane, became an instant friend when I met her. She is also a client of Fabian's, and she has also quit her job to become a trainer.

My life is truly unconventional. At 34 years of age, maybe I'm doing things a little backwards, or maybe I'm a late bloomer, but I wouldn't change a thing. I'm happy. It took a whole lot of shaking things up and getting uncomfortable to get where I am, but I'm eternally grateful for finding the courage and strength to change my life.

Boarding the Crazy Train

Okay so I've thought of approximately one million clever post titles involving the word, "train." This time, however, I'm not writing about my experience as a personal trainer, but rather about my experience with my own intense training program. I've come a long way since this post about my initial sessions with my trainer, Fabian, and I'm excited (if not just a little terrified) to see where I'm heading.

During the months since my last post about my training, I've been making my way through various phases of a strength program in order to be developed into the best athlete I can be. Each phase is more difficult than the last, and each causes me to reevaluate my sanity. The latest and most intense phase will be kicking my running action into high gear so that I will ultimately be prepared for the Hot Chocolate 15k race here in Chicago in November. The program consists of a 90 minute torso strength workout, a 90 minute lower body strength workout, and a 60 minute arm strength workout. As if that doesn't sound crazy enough, I also have to incorporate various prescribed running workouts 6 days a week. And I'm hell bent on squeezing yoga in there too. It's a good thing I work in a gym, eh?

I'm not sure how I'm going to pull this off, but I'm determined to do so. I've been warned that this level of training is going to "fuck with my head," so I need to prepare for the mental abuse. In fact, Fabian has also prescribed reading materials to help me through the mental hurdles.

As I've gradually begun to take this type of training more seriously, I've had to give up things that I love, and begin incorporating things that I don't love so much. For example, I've (mostly) given up alcohol. Because alcohol takes precedence over other nutrients in the body while being digested, it's best if I avoid it while my muscles recover from these workouts. I've also given up coffee, which nearly brings me to tears as I type this. Even though I work out a ton, I've been having trouble sleeping for a long time. Apparently, caffeine gets in the way of the recovery of my nervous system after an intense workout. Although it was a hard habit to break, I'm not nearly as tired as I thought I'd be during the day, and I'm sleeping soooo much better. Also, I used to eat meat (only prepared at a restaurant) once or twice a week. Now, despite my grimaces due to being grossed out from squishy raw flesh, I've morphed into a serious carnivore and am preparing meat for every meal in order to obtain the various amino acids to aid in my muscle repair and development.

That's another thing - I have to eat soooo much! And just when I think I'm eating enough, I'm told to eat more. Eating like an Olympian is time consuming and expensive. I'm hungry in under two hour intervals, and it's as if my metabolism is an infant that will start throwing a fit if I'm not readily prepared with a bottle to tame it. You must be confused as to how this is a problem. But keeping up with my warp speed metabolic rate is really exhausting, y'all! And it's not like I'm eating pizza and ice cream any time I want. It's ALL healthy grub. (Nutella straight out of the jar is considered healthy, right?)

Fabian is also super hard on me, and while my first instinct is to get defensive (a hard habit to break, I'm finding), I have to remember that he's only trying to drill things into my head, and so I need to shut up and listen. And while it drives me absolutely fucking crazy when he gives me 900 million instructions only to follow up by saying yelling "Don't think about it!," I know he's just trying to get me out of my head, which is my biggest problem in all areas of my life. I'm slowly learning not to take his strict coaching personally, but it's difficult. But I know he believes in me. And I also know that his belief in me doesn't mean squat unless I believe in myself.

And speaking of squat, I have the nastiest bruises on my thighs from using my hip power to lift nearly 75% of my body weight! Ouch! I generated zero sympathy when I brought this to Fabian's attention, so I'm also learning to shut up and silently deal with the war wounds.

So by now you must think I'm nuts. I mean, I sort of do. I feel as if I'm training for the Olympics yet there is no pot of gold medals at the end of this rainbow. So why the fuck am I doing this? Why would I give up some of my favorite simple pleasures, stuff my face with food I don't entirely enjoy, and voluntarily allow myself to get screamed at just to become a better runner?

Well, for me it's not just about becoming a "better runner." It's about working to become a better version of myself every day. It's about consistently moving forward instead of being stuck in the same place. And vowing to be better today than I was yesterday requires an intense amount of discipline.

Fabian says that coaching me through this type of training is an experiment for him. But it's an experiment for me too, dammit. For most of my life I have let fear, doubt, and the self-manifested negative perceptions of myself control my life. Yes, I recently made a career change, which was incredibly brave, and for which I'm truly proud, but the only way I'll be successful with my new career is if I learn to believe in myself, face my fears, and rise to challenges every day. Additionally, the only way I'll ever finally find myself in a successful relationship is if I can be mentally strong enough to demand respect and fully believe that I deserve it.

What I'm hoping to get out of this training (in addition to a sick race time!) is the ability to push through barriers without thinking twice. I think this training can get me there. It may break me down, but I'll get stronger as I repair and rebuild - not unlike the physical characteristics of our muscles becoming stronger.

"If you're facing your fears, then you're pointed in the right direction" - heard on a Nike commercial during the Olympics

The TRAINsition

(Ha ha, get it? Trainsition?)

Anyway...

My blog! My poor, neglected blog! How I've missed you!

Turns out, life changes are all-consuming and leave time for little else. However, after officially putting in three full weeks at the gym, I was finally able to make time for myself, friends, and now my blog this weekend. Not that I don't have a million things left on my To Do list. But, today I gave my body permission to decompress, even though my brain still hasn't fully been able to do so since I started my new gig.

Speaking of which, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE BEING A PERSONAL TRAINER!! I'm so passionate about helping members and tailoring programs specific to their needs. Fortunately, the act of training has come very natural to me, and I can't get enough of it. Making people sweat and challenging them to perform tasks they previously thought they weren't capable of is extremely rewarding. And the eye rolls I get during a training session only serve as confirmation that I'm doing my job correctly. Currently, I have two "regular" clients, which is amazing so early in the game, but I'm hoping to gain more clients through the consultations and prospecting sessions I've been performing.

I went into my new gig willing to expect the unexpected, and I've definitely had to deal with situations I never dreamed possible from working at a gym. For example, I check my work email obsessively. I never would have done this at my previous job. In fact, my brain seemed to block out any thoughts of my previous job when I wasn't there, but now I can't shut my brain off when I'm not at the gym and find myself dreaming of exercise program design every night. The communicating, scheduling, and organization is also very overwhelming to me and I find myself performing "administrative duties" even when I'm at home - another job aspect that I'd refuse to do for my previous employer. But, I'm extremely passionate about my new career, so I don't mind all the extra work in addition to training people. In fact, a teacher I had a consultation with last week told me she could see how passionate I am about my job.

Additionally, the people I've met so far are amazing! Whereas I felt so isolated in my last job, constantly hiding in my cube and flying under the radar if I knew what was good for me, now I'm encouraged to make friends with members, clients, and coworkers. And after nine years of isolation, I've re-learned that people are fascinating! I've met a pianist, a federal investigator, a children's therapist, a singer/actress, just to name a few. And my coworkers are incredible! I laugh so much on a daily basis, but besides the goofing off, they have all been so supportive and helpful.

It's not all rainbows and puppies, though. I'm still dealing with uncertainty regarding my career change, especially regarding my income, but so far, I regret nothing and am enjoying every second. Not to say that things have been easy! The first week was especially tough as I was desperately trying to become acclimated to a completely different lifestyle than I was used to. I was a ball of emotions - both good and bad - and found myself crying multiple times a day. Incidentally, the last week of the Olympics coincided with my first week at the gym, and every inspirational story about an athlete or even an inspirational commercial spun me into a flurry of uncontrollable tears. In fact, I think it was the Nike slogan, "If you're facing your fears, then you're heading in the right direction" that really made me lose my mind.

But, despite the uncertainty and dramatic lifestyle change, I wake up every day and choose to think positively, push through the challenges, and trust that everything will work out just fine. I choose to believe that I will be extremely successful. And because of this thought process, every single day gets better.

The Hot and Cold Game

For the last several years, so much of my brain space has been occupied with finding my purpose in life. And despite running into so many road blocks along the way, always trusting that there is a reason for everything that happens has helped guide me throughout my journey.

Over the years I've been constantly asking myself the following questions: What is my highest truth? Where is my highest good? How to I express my greatest love? In my attempts to find these answers, I've often felt like I've been playing the "hot and cold" game with God. It's as if every time I've had a thought or have made a move regarding my future, God has been telling me "lukewarm, cold, colder, FREEZING." Or, "warm, warmer, hot, hotter, BURNING!"

For instance, two years ago when I decided I wanted to channel my empathetic nature into a new career, God led me down a path far enough for me to confirm my suspicions that helping people is most certainly what I love to do. You're getting warm... warmer. In my pursuit to become a teacher a few years ago, I realized just how hard I'm capable of working, and how dedicated and committed I am to my goals. Hot, hotter! But then God halted me in my tracks just before I was about to become a teacher. Cold... FREEZING! Despite the disappointment of working so hard only to eventually fail, I chose to be thankful for the lessons I learned during the process, and to trust that I would be steered in a new direction.

And, in fact, becoming a mentor two years ago made me realize that working one on one with someone is much more up my alley than working with many people at the same time, which would have made me miserable as a teacher. Lukewarm... warm. I've had time in the last two years to come to terms with the fact that I'm an introvert, and therefore I don't do well under pressure, and that I'm better when I'm the one in control and mapping out what is going to happen next. Warmer... And I realized, with regards to pursuing a new career, how much I'm not willing to sacrifice regarding the things that matter most to me in life: family, friends, and fitness. Getting warmer... hot!

After so much contemplation and fostering the courage to squelch my fears, I decided to act on my civil liberty to pursue happiness by pursuing a career that would represent my biggest passion - fitness. Hotter... And after passing my personal training exam this past weekend, I know that personal training is what I'm meant to do. That fitness is my purpose. Hot!... BURNING! 

God gave me a gift, and although it took me a while to unwrap, I'm eternally grateful for it and I can't wait to get in the gym and share it with my clients.

10 Year Chicagoversary

In honor of my looming 10 Year Anniversary of living in Chicago, I'm enlisting the help of a guest blogger: Myself! 10 years ago!

Here are some excerpts from my journal entries recorded by 23-year-old Steph during the first few months of life in the Big City. Re-reading these after so many years has reminded me (perhaps now more than ever) that maintaining faith and "pushing through" despite fear and self-doubt are crucial for acheiving your biggest goals. Enjoy.

Oh wait! First, some background information: Immediately upon visiting Chicago for the first time for New Year's Eve 2001, I was smitten with the city. Even though I had always planned to move to NYC after college graduation, I knew after just one visit that Chicago was where I belonged. So, after graduation, I moved back in with my parents and got a job at a car dealership, a bar, and a tanning salon that doubled as a laundromat (that place was exactly as weird as it sounds. Ohio thing, I guess). Anyway, I told myself that I had one year to work as hard as I could to save as much money as I could so I could move to Chicago. And in exactly one year (to the day!) from starting my job at the dealership, I quit all my jobs. So one morning in May of 2002 my Dad drove me, my clothes, and an air mattress to Chicago. He literally dropped me off, and headed right back home to Ohio. My nephew's uncle, Jason, was living in Chicago at the time and graciously offered for me to temporarily crash at the apartment where he and his two roommates lived.

Thursday, May 30, 2002
Subject: What the Hell Am I Doing?

Well, I am in Chicago. I did it. I made it. So why do I feel so lousy???

Well, the fact is, I may not be here for long if I don't find a job. I had a terrible experience my first full day in the city. I went to a job interview that turned out to be one big disaster. It was definitely a "heads up" though. A total reality check. It turned out to be some employment agency that lures people in by making them think they are applying for some glamorous job. I was ready, willing, and confident to put on a great show, but I didn't have to. Instead, I was made to take spelling and typing tests to prove my worth. Turned out, according to those tests, I'm not worth much. But for reasons beyond me, the woman thought if I took all those tests over, then I would have what it takes to be a paralegal. A what?!?! Excuse me? Where did that come from??? After only knowing me for 15 minutes, she "knew" that was my destiny. I felt so pressured, so forced, so "I want to be anywhere but here." I know it was simply her job to fill a position, but at the expense of my misery? After over 2 hours of agony and rapidly plummeting confidence, I bolted.

Two more lessons I've learned since I got here.... okay three: Never buy bottled water and diet coke on the same day when walking to the grocery store. Never buy shoes and walk many miles in them the first day they are purchased. And finally, if I go out to eat by myself, always bring reading material.

These are some things that no one has taught me so far. I guess trial and error is the best and only way to really learn the city. Tomorrow's big adventure is the subway on my own. EEEEEEEEEK!!!!!

I don't believe I have ever been homesick like this before. I really miss my family and all of the comforts of home. I really miss my brother. I can't even call my family without getting all choked up. Right now, I could say that I want to go home. I want to get the hell out of this foreign city and just go home. Home. Where I am comfortable. Where I am loved. Where I speak more than once a day. I am so lonely! In a city filled with millions of interesting people, I am so alone. So isolated. And I have no money!!!! What was I thinking? What am I doing? I don't belong here!

Okay, calm down. I am in a brand new fucking city. Of course I don't feel like I fit in. I just need to give it a chance. I have never been so scared. But I just need to give it a chance. I know I will love it once I get used to things. I need to be more positive and quit being so intimidated. I already feel like everyone else is better than I am. I feel as if I am in high school all over again. 

I'll get over it. Things will get better. I will be okay. I have to be. I want to be.

Sunday, June 30, 2002
Subject: It's Wanting What You've Got

Well it has been exactly one month since I last wrote and so much has changed. I really love Chicago. I am so much more comfortable with the area and the way things work around here. I still do not have a job though, which has been a pain in the ass. I also am still staying at Jason's house, where I have completely invaded his space. Totally took over his bedroom. I met a friend named Chloe. She is the coolest! I have had so much fun getting to know her and I am convinced I'd be lost without her. I have also been spending time with Maia and Leah. Super fun girls. Super glad I have them as well. I have already had some pretty crazy evenings since I have been in Chicago. I needed all that. No regrets. I miss home. I miss it a lot. But all I have to do is remember why I left, and then I am proud to be in the city. This place is great. So much to do. But if I don't find a job soon (I think I am close), then I am outta here. I am running out of money so quickly. I am temping right now, but it isn't exactly raking in the dough. I am so longing for a place of my own. I need my privacy. I really do. All I have wanted my whole life was my very own apartment. My very own. Well, hopefully next time I write, I will be employed. And then the time after that, I will have signed a lease to my very own studio!!!! Well, Chloe and I are going to do laundry right now so I better go. I really wish I had been documenting my time all along, but I am glad I had these few minutes to catch up.

Monday, July 8, 2002
Subject: None

I went to church today. Just something I really felt the need to do. In a desperate search for some spiritual guidance, I ignored my need to sleep in this morning and went to visit God.

The message wasn't as enlightening as I had hoped, but it did help some. I am not really sure what message I was seeking. I guess I was really looking for God to tell me what the next step is. I am so confused. Moving to Chicago has without a doubt been the hardest and most confusing time in my life. I honestly never know how I am going to live one day to the next. I am so anxious and unsettled. Depressed, depressed, soooo damn depressed. I just want to know that everything will be okay, that everything IS okay. I guess I can just pray and pray and pray. And actively engage myself as much as possible.

I am really hoping that the next time I journal, I will have so much positive energy to share.

Thursday, July 9, 2002
Subject: I Want to Soak Up the Sun

Okay, so I am writing again - but without any "I got a job" news. How come it used to be so easy??? Ugh!!! So discouraged. Wouldn't be so discouraging if I weren't on a freaking time limit... or broke. Seriously broke. Getting verrrrrrry desperate!!! Will sell my body. Okay, yea right. But I'm not beyond that. Ugh!

Had a wonderful experience with God today. Realized he was speaking, I just wasn't listening. Very enlightening day with God. Thank You.

Tuesday, July 16, 2002
Subject: I'll Be There...

I am soooooooooo running up the bill on Jason's Kinko's card right now. Oh well, he offered. How terrible!

Anyway, I have an interview tomorrow. I am trying not to tell too many people because I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them shot down. :( That has happened way too much already. I want to believe that my whole life does not depend on tomorrow's interview, but in a way, it does. It is the ONLY thing I really have in the works right now although I have been faxing resumes like crazy. $60 worth just today, in fact. I REALLY cannot afford to do that anymore.

So Chloe is the best. I am so glad I met her. She is so what Janet was to me my freshman year of college. As much as I think I am independent, I really need a supportive girl friend behind me. Not only does she help me, but it feels good for me to help her. Just today Chloe reflected on a bit of "wisdom" I offered earlier this week and I was proud that I was able to make her "think." Feels good.

I'm also having a really good time with the guys in the house. I am really beginning to let my guard down (finally after 2 months!!) and it feels so liberating. I am letting my humorous side slip out without reservation. They are finally beginning to see ME! ..... still adamant about living on my own though :)

Anyway, I should head back, it's getting dark. I really hope I get this job tomorrow. I love Chicago. This is my dream. And even though the position is for reception, I could never really hate it. No way will I EVER take another job for granted after going through this trying experience!!!! What a lesson. There is always a lesson. That is life.... and I won't complain :) :) :)

Thursday, July 18, 2002
Subject: Big Dreams Just Need Big Hearts

Well, this is the journal entry I have been waiting to write for a very long time. I GOT A JOB!!!! I am not sure if I could be any happier. I have been beaming all morning long. All of the hard work, all of the lessons -  it has all been worth it. I really had to learn a lot before I was just handed my dream. I am so glad I did. God has everybody learn in their own way, and God taught me the way I needed to be taught. These past two months have been the hardest months of my life, but I would not trade the learning experience for anything. It was just the kick in the pants I needed.

I am still having trouble believing all of this is real. It just seems so fabulous to me right now. I am so happy!

I think the biggest lesson I have learned is that, "with God, all things are possible." I would never be where I am right now if I didn't look to God for strength. God taught me that I had to believe in myself first and foremost. I finally get it!

I am so about learning. Never stop learning. I may have overcome one huge obstacle, but I will never stop pursuing and dreaming. And I sure will be happy doing so. I am sincerely proud of myself. I am really, truly proud of myself. I did it! I made it! I love the world...

A million Thank Yous...........

To Excel is to Exceed Expecations

"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing." - Ron Swanson from the TV show Parks and Recreation

***

There is a six-mile running trail located within one of the many parks near my parent's house in Ohio that I try to run every time I visit them. Much of the trail is encased in a cathedral of trees, and the most prominent sounds come from the gushing river, or the critters that make their home within nature's bounty. The path is tranquil, calming, and beautiful. It's a place on earth where I feel closest to God and my truest self. Also, it's one hell of a hilly challenge.

The running path may be six miles long, but the first time my Dad drove me to the starting point a couple years ago, I told him I was only going to run the first three miles, and requested that he pick me up in about a half hour. My Dad asked me if I was certain that I would only run three miles, and after a slight pause, I assured him that thirty minutes was all the time I needed.

Something changed while I was running, though. Not only was the run both extremely challenging and exhilarating, but I couldn't imagine giving up once I hit the three mile mark. Suddenly, I was hell bent on running the whole six miles, and it felt amazing to push myself and break through the limitations that only I had set for myself.

Upon completing the six miles, I fully expected my Dad to be pissed at me for making him wait in the parking area for an extra half hour. Instead, I saw my Dad's jeep pulling into the parking lot only as I was crossing the "finish line." I immediately asked him why he wasn't already there when I had told him that I'd only need a half hour. He replied with, "I know how you are. I saw the look in your eyes before you got out of the car, and I knew you'd run the whole thing."

***

I've noticed a common reaction to telling people -not including my friends & family- that I'm going into personal fitness training. People react, for example, by asking me if personal training will be a "side job" for me, or a way to make "extra" money. My swift and adamant reply is, "NO!"

I realize that people who don't know me all that well are simply surprised by someone making such a dramatic career change, but the question gets me riled up anyway, because I would not be pouring my whole self into working toward this new career if I didn't feel that I wholeheartedly wanted to make it a top priority in my life.

Yes, I'm fully aware that there will be struggles, especially at first, but how am I supposed to work through those struggles if I'm not focused on dedicating most of my time to overcoming the hurdles? And I couldn't do that if I remained stuck in an office 40 hours a week and chose to do personal training "on the side."

Although I loathe my current occupation, pursuing this career change does not mean that I'm simply pursuing a "means to an end." In fact, I feel incredibly blessed to have found a way to turn my passion into my profession. But I also know that by doing so, a lot of time and hard work is required to excel, and to exceed the expectations of myself and others.

I will never plan to run only three of the six miles on that trail in Ohio ever again, and I will never plan to "half-ass" any major goal I set for myself.

The Challenge to Change

Even though Glinda was supposedly the "good witch" in The Wizard of Oz, I always thought she was a real A-hole for not telling Dorothy that she'd had the power to get herself back to Kansas all along. Instead, Glinda's lips remained zipped as she watched Dorothy face obstacles while following the occasionally unforgiving yellow brick road.

And even though Glinda eventually explained to Dorothy that she never would have believed it if she were told right away that she'd had the power to get back to Auntie Em and Uncle Henry, I never understood why she had to face an evil witch, flying monkeys, etc. during her journey to the Emerald City.

That is, I never understood until I reflected upon my own path down my own occasionally unforgiving yellow brick road. I truly believe that facing my own versions of evil witches and flying monkeys over the years has helped steer me in the right direction, and has kept me on the path I was intended to follow all along.

As you may have noticed, I've sprinkled hints throughout my last few blog posts regarding a big life change in the works. Well, it's true! I'm getting out of my terrible, horrible, miserable job in Corporate America to pursue my personal training certification. Promoting health and fitness is my number one priority and passion, so why not also make it my livelihood? As my Dad says, "When you love your job, then you never have to go to work." I like that philosophy. A lot.

And although I've found myself wondering, "Why didn't I do this sooner?," I believe that every experience up to this point - good and bad - has led me exactly to where I needed to be in order to ultimately make this new career decision. Approximately zero of my friends were shocked when I revealed my new plan, because they've felt that this is what I should have been doing all along. But, like Dorothy, I needed to figure it out on my own.

Incidentally, during my perpetual quest for "somewhere over the rainbow," I've realized that an office on the 30th floor of a skyscraper may seem glamorous, but it's no place like home (or, the gym, in my case). By finally listening to my instincts, I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never be happy in an office setting. I've also recognized that I've been ignoring my gut for years because I simply couldn't imagine a world outside the realm of paid health insurance and a traditional 8am - 5pm work day. But by surrendering previous perceptions, and choosing to be open to more possibilities, I've allowed my nagging gut to have its say, making my head finally realize what my heart already knew.

However, although getting certified is not as expensive as obtaining another degree, it's pricey enough to where I had to fully contemplate the commitment to invest myself. And prior to ordering my personal training study materials, my mind was spewing forth doubts and what ifs. But because I've taken for granted the security of my current occupation for too long, it wasn't until that security was compromised that I was ultimately propelled to take the plunge.

It just so happened, that a few weeks ago, at the peak of indecisive thoughts chaotically swirling around in my brain like a Kansas-style twister, I was called into my supervisor's office to learn (well, to confirm my suspicions) that my company is in the process of being sold, and that I should probably start looking for another job. Okay, then. If a green light was what I was waiting for, then I certainly got it in that moment. In fact, it wasn't unlike years of casually expressing the desire to skydive, and then suddenly being pushed out of a plane.

But who knows how long I would have remained comfortable and hesitated to make a change had life not pushed me out of a proverbial plane at that moment? Also, while I should probably be much more stressed out about my situation, I've actually never been happier. I'm discovering that perhaps "uncertainty" doesn't have to be feared. That maybe uncertainty can feel liberating sometimes. In fact, I no longer feel "stuck," or "trapped," which is how I've described feeling for so long. Of course, I'm nervous, excited, overwhelmed, and experiencing all of those other emotions associated with change, but I'm ready for it. And I doubt I'd feel so ready had the frustrations and low points of my past not worked to strengthen me, thus making me less fearful of pursuing change and overcoming challenges.

I'm fully aware that there is no guarantee I'll be successful in my new venture, but the very definition of faith is "believing without seeing," and isn't a tremendous amount of faith required when pursuing any dream? No matter what, I know in my heart of hearts that this is what I have to do. What I want to do. What I will do.

Finally, like Dorothy, the biggest lesson I've learned from following the yellow brick road thus far is that, "If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."