Tales of an Alpha Female Bad Ass

Fuuuuuucccckkkk yeeeeaaahhh! I 'm an Alpha Female Bad Ass! Wooooo!!!

*Clears throat* Pardon me for completely forgetting who I was for a while. For too long of a while. Life tried to drown me in an icy pool of self-pity this winter, and even though I'd come up for a big gulp of air every once in a while, I would quickly find myself back under water.

Allowing myself to drown in self pity is not me though. I mean, I've gone through enough struggles in my life, but I usually pull myself up and out quickly with graceful determination.

My wonderful Aunt Denise tagged me in an article on Facebook today listing the characteristics of an "Alpha Female Bad Ass." Hell yeah! My whole life I've been an independent, strong-willed fighter, and yet this winter I lost that sense of self.

Well, winter is fucking over. This past month I saddled up my big girl boot straps (errr, however the saying goes) and got to work reigniting my passion for my profession and working hard to stop any "victim mentality" tendencies that threatened to overtake me.

I obtained some new clients at work who are focused and ready to work because they have real goals to reach, and they are counting on me to kick their butts and hold them accountable - a responsibility I do not take lightly. I also worked hard to get a few past clients back into the gym and inspired them to set some real goals for themselves. It motivates me to motivate them, and I am excited to be good and busy again at work.

I also have a new manager at work who is female. Her gender is important to note because I was a bit skeptical prior to meeting her after the worst boss I've ever had in the past was female. But my new manager has squashed all my fears and has brought a new, positive energy to my work environment. In fact, I was a bit taken aback last week when I was reading a fitness article and she just sat down next to me to chat about my experience with the company and my goals for the future. She also asks me for my input and values my opinion. I've never really experienced that before, but it has reminded me that after pushing aside all my insecurities, I can look in the mirror and see a confident woman who takes her profession very seriously.

And just today, another trainer who is new to the business but not much younger than me, came to me with tears in her eyes asking for advice on how to be more organized. I empathized because I know exactly how it feels to be overwhelmed when dealing with a new career, and sharing my experience with her along with what works for me reminded me that I am fully capable of being a leader despite my introverted personality.

During the first few months after moving to Chicago 13 years ago, I was incredibly poor and was having difficulty getting my old life in Ohio transferred to my new life in the big city. I was frustrated beyond belief dealing with real, actual, adult responsibilities for the first time in my life. My Dad, back in Ohio and somewhat unsympathetic to my situation, sent a note containing no more than $2, which he specified was to be put toward an "ice cream cone." I was definitely hoping to see a $50 bill in that note, but instead he wrote, "There will always be some problems, but that's life. Welcome to the real world." He was right. As a result, I did not choose to lay down and die. I worked my ass off to make everything work. Because that is who I am. I am a fighter. I am an ALPHA FEMALE BAD ASS, dammit!

Along with the 2 bucks, which I absolutely put toward an ice cream cone, my Dad also sent this quote which is never far from my mind when I'm struggling with life:

"Attacking is the only secret. Dare, and the world always yields; or, if it beats you down sometimes, dare it again, and it will succumb." - William Makepeace Thackeray 

What I Learned in 2014

At the beginning of last year, I declared in this  post that 2014 would be a rebuilding year. 365 days has officially come and gone, and I can say with confidence that I have successfully "rebuilt" myself into a person I'm proud to be and that I'm living a life that I'm proud of as well. Essentially, all it took was learning how to live as authentically as possible for me to be happy and feel successful with my life.

I find myself reflecting on the events of 2014 quite a bit. While no major milestones were reached, a tremendous amount of personal growth occurred, which only made me realize how much more I have to learn and how much more I want to do in this lifetime.

One big thing I learned in 2014 is how to really, truly, love someone by forgiving them of their flaws, and accepting that I can still be loved despite mine. I often wonder where I'd be in life had I never met my BFF. He has taught me so much, supported me so much, pushed me so much, and most of all, has loved me so much. Despite my stubborn and resistant nature, he has stood by my side through thick and thin and has taught me what it really means to love.

The relationship with my BFF strengthened immeasurably in 2014. Because of him (and in addition to some very powerful self help-ish books*), I finally realized how relationships are supposed to work. And I can no longer be the kind of person who participates in negative gossip or behavior, nor can I tolerate people who (inadvertently) make me feel judged, inferior, and are not supportive of my lifestyle and choices. Real, true friends express their honest opinions to your face, and are encouraging and supportive of you no matter what.

Another thing I learned in 2014 is that stuff is just stuff. In the big city, it's very easy to get caught up in the glamour and wish for all that sparkles and shines, because money and the "stuff" it affords is often flaunted and always easily visible. But while stuff is pretty to look at, stuff does not mean that the people who own it are necessarily happy. I guess this is pretty obvious, but I spent a lot of years comparing myself to others and dwelling on all the things I didn't have, so I need to repeat this lesson to myself more than I'm proud to admit.

But it brings me to my next point. I learned how to be at peace with myself despite whatever life situation I'm experiencing. 2014 taught me to really, truly, cherish the little things. The feeling after a workout and after a shower makes me so joyful. Folding laundry, cleaning, and preparing a meal all make me feel good because I'm taking care of my life and successfully managing the things I am able to control. Seeing a client progress before my eyes, cuddling with my bunny and BFF, and exploring the city with my BFF just to take pics made me so insanely happy and appreciative this year.

I learned that making memories with the people you love is far more important than making a lot of money. I make less than half the salary I was making at my job in Corporate America, but my job affords me the time and flexibility to be able to spend lots of time with the people who matter to me most. I was able to visit my family 5 times this year! I was also able to take my BFF and my fur baby along for 2 of those trips. To be able to have the people who mean the absolute most to me on this earth in one room together several times this year was definitely a major highlight.

Speaking of my fur baby, I learned that adopting and loving a fur baby makes me more present, more patient, more aware, and overwhelms me with love. I'm in love with a bunny and I don't care who knows it! She really is my baby and I am committed to giving her the best life possible. I was meant to meet her this year and my life has been increasingly blessed ever since I brought her home on that mild summer evening in early August.

Finally, I learned that the lessons one learns as an adult must be practiced. Constantly. Constantly practiced. The lessons learned as an adult are not as easy to recall as learning state capitals or times tables. Our minds are already super conditioned in our 30's, so it takes extra efforts to be able to change your mind about something, or be open to new ideas, or new ways of doing things.

For 2015 I made a list of 15 goals to work towards all year long, just as I had made 14 goals for 2014. I reached all but a few, but I learned that working towards goals (no matter how big, significant, or small) makes me feel more purposeful and well-rounded, and motivates me to want to do bigger and better things in life.

The lessons I want to put into practice for 2015 are to not to let money, or the lack thereof, control me and rule my life. For nearly my entire adult life I've let money govern my world. But there are so many times in life that you cannot control unexpected expenses, or bad months for personal training. I'm learning to have faith and to trust that I'll always have enough, because enough is all I need. But I have the tendency to easily fall off the tight rope of confidence and stress about money, and I want to stress less about money this year. I'm very responsible, and deep down I know I don't need to worry, so I guess I need to continue practicing trusting myself, trusting the universe, and knowing that money is only money, and my worth as a human being is not determined by how much money I have in the bank. I'll be okay no matter what, because I won't let myself not be okay.

Also for 2015, I want to learn how to and then practice relinquishing so much control over my life. I have a terrible habit of wanting every detail of my life to be controlled and managed, and I feel like this may be hurting me from progressing further in life. Basically, I need to get comfortable with taking chances by getting uncomfortable more often. I've taken some pretty big risks in my life, and the results been no easy adjustment, so I've become a little gun shy when it comes to change, even though the risks I've taken have been completely worthy of risk.

I don't think I've ever been more enlightened, felt more positive, or basked in more peace when starting a new year like I am this year. I'm excited to see what 2015 will bring, all the while enjoying each moment of each day as it happens. Stay present, my friends, and cheers to 2015!

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." - Henry David Thoreau

*The aforementioned "self help-ish" books that contributed to my increased inner peace and brighter outlook on life are as follows:

The Voice of Knowledge by don Miguel Ruiz:  http://www.miguelruiz.com/store/books-card-decks/
The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz:   http://www.miguelruiz.com/store/books-card-decks/
The Power of Now by Elkhart Tolle:  http://www.eckharttolle.com/books/now/

Life of a Career Changer - Two Years Later

It's sort of unbelievable that I've been a fitness professional for two whole years now! While the first year of my new life was incredibly challenging and full of ups and downs, the second year has been overwhelmingly rewarding. Through struggle, I gained confidence in my first year that I was able to utilize for a successful second year. I'm not saying my second year was a breeze, but there were far more ups than downs, and I learned how to manage myself better when the going got tough.

If I had known two years ago how hard it would be to switch careers, I may have been too scared to ever do so. But in this case, ignorance was bliss, and I've been fulfilling my purpose ever since I jumped out of my comfort zone only to land in a field where I truly belong.

In past blog posts regarding my first year as a personal trainer, I often bemoaned the sacrifices that came with change and moving forward. What I learned in my second year though, is that those sacrifices didn't mean I was giving much up after all. For instance, my paychecks aren't as beefy as they were when I worked in Corporate America, but I feel as if I'm getting by better than ever. Somehow I'm managing to save some money. Somehow I'm managing to pay all my bills. Somehow I still have enough left over for good food and fun activities. I firmly believe that when you find a way to do what you are meant to do, God takes care of the rest.

Another sacrifice I often mentioned in previous blog posts was giving up so much time with my closest girlfriends. What I failed to mention, though, is that the lives of my girlfriends have evolved in some way right along with mine during the last two years. If I had never made a change to my own life in order to preserve the frequency of which I saw them, then I would have only been left behind while everyone else moved forward.

I was so sad for so long that my lifestyle was drastically altered after initially making a career switch, but I'm not sad about it anymore. In fact, I'm beyond grateful because I now feel as if I'm truly honoring my authentic self. Work and exercise take up a huge chunk of my time, and I'm okay with that. This means I spend a large part of my life doing what I love. Yes, I'm often too tired to be social on the weekends, but I don't feel as if I'm missing out on anything. I now feel as if my life is so rich that I require more downtime because I'm so busy actually living my life. Working in a cube for 40 hours per week only made me feel as if I was wasting away. And going to bars and drinking on the weekends never really made me feel that good anyway. And it definitely never made me feel good the next day. When health became a top priority for me, I realized that life is too short to waste Sundays on the couch being hungover.

Many times during that first year I felt like giving up. But a little voice inside my head heart kept telling me to "keep going." And in my second year, I learned how to appreciate the pros despite the cons of my new career and realized that no job is perfect. I learned not to take anything personally. I learned how important it is to not compromise my integrity regardless of opinions from clients and coworkers. I learned that hard work and giving everything I've got is the only way to find success on the path to working for what I so strongly believe in, and accepting that doing so still might not be enough. I also learned how important it is to have a best friend/roommate (who has also been a mentor to me) readily and willingly available for support at all times, especially when my confidence was shaky.

Perhaps the biggest takeaway from my second year is gaining the courage and the confidence to grow even more in my field. I don't want to become stagnant at my current place of employment, and instead would like to see where and how far I can take my talents. When I wrote this  post last year, I wondered where I'd be one year from then. I speculated that maybe I'd be a more successful and developed trainer, and I can definitely say that is 100% accurate. I've held the #3 spot and top female spot for the last year for personal training at my gym. But I do also have to wonder where I'll be one year from now. Wherever I find myself, I want to find myself growing in my field and even more successful than I am today. And the simple act of believing in myself ensures that I'll get there.

"It is your patience and your labor that allows miracles to happen." - Elizabeth Gilbert

Embracing Choppy Waters

Life is never easy. There are moments in life that are effortless and easy, but life itself is not easy, per se. Well, no life worth living, that is. Right? Or am I wrong? I'm always fighting to become stronger, happier, and smarter, and that's not easy. I'm exhausted most of the time. I'm exhausted from trying so hard. I'm exhausted from trying, succeeding, and then having to keep trying to be even more successful. It's a cycle that never ends. Instead of living in the moment and basking in happiness, I constantly feel pressure from myself to be more, and to do more. Most of the time, no matter how much I accomplish, I still feel lazy and behind everyone else. I want so much more, but I am discouraged at the thought of  how much more I'd need to drain myself to get there. And once I get there, won't I pressure myself to find a reason to want and work for even more anyway? Is trying to be the best of your best worth it? Is it worth feeling completely wiped out all of the time? I never feel like I'm good enough no matter what I do anyway. I'm afraid to give myself a break, because what if I get so comfortable that I end up giving up on my dreams completely? Sometimes I feel like there is no right way to live life. There are always difficult sacrifices and trade-offs which make me think it may be impossible to "have it all." Hope and a positive attitude keep me from giving up, but I have yet to experience even a glimpse of "having it all." Instead of trying so damn hard, maybe I should just let go and let life play out. But if I do that, won't I end up watching life pass me by? If I keep relentlessly trying to have everything I want, on the other hand, will I ever truly let myself be satisfied? There is a fine line in there somewhere, and I have yet to pinpoint that line.

Last year around this time I was experiencing some major uncertainties in my life. I was $13 short on my rent and seriously reconsidering my career as a personal trainer. Do I stick with it? Do I give up now and save myself further grief? Back and forth, back and forth my brain was volleying options like a tennis ball. No option seemed like a good one and so I was paralyzed with indecision. But then, at my lowest point, desperately seeking a sign for which direction to take, I was walking to the train one night after work and found exactly $13 on the street. Just enough to cover the full amount of my rent. It was a sign to keep going, and I soon found myself accelerating in my career.

One year later, I don't consider myself in a low spot, per se, but I do find myself facing uncertainties again. I feel pressure by society and myself to avoid settling for current circumstances, and instead to seek out and work for bigger and better goals.

Some people work their whole lives at the same job and they are happy. Other people relentlessly pursue their passions and are not happy. I worked at the same job for years and wished it made me happy, but I was too restless and felt pressure from within to want more for myself. Now that I'm one of those people who works relentlessly to live off of what they are passionate about, I feel happy when I'm doing my work, but anxious and exhausted from the difficulties in making it work.

I've embraced the frequently choppy waters that accompany my sail through life, but that doesn't mean I handle it well. I'm emotionally sensitive and over think everything. Risk is a word that I dislike, and yet that word  has defined a major part of the past 2 years of my life. According to society, countless self-help books, and those eye-roll inducing inspirational memes on Pinterest, taking risks is supposed to make me happy, but mostly the idea of taking a risk makes me crazy. But so does staying idle. This is why life is not easy. I'm constantly paralyzed by infinite options and both major and minor decisions, so more often than not, I remain idle while entertaining the risks I want to take.

I don't regret a single risk I've ever taken though. Dealing with sacrifices has definitely been the most difficult part of any risk I've taken, but I've also gained strength, insight, and wisdom from navigating my way through choppy waters. There may not be a right way to live life, but dealing with the challenges of perpetually chasing your dreams rather than the challenges regretting risks not taken can't possibly be wrong.

Daydreaming

"If you've never stared off into the distance, then your life is a shame" - lyric from Mrs. Potter's Lullaby by Counting Crows

I stare off into the distance a lot. It makes me feel closer to God. Not that I think God is waaaaay out there somewhere, but because I think God is right next to me - or even right within my heart.

I mean, in this vast world, it is possible for something to be right within me that is bigger than all of it. That is a miracle.

It's Really Happening

Reality is finally setting in that my life is going to be flipped-turned-upside-down like that of the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire within the next few months. After hating my job for sooooo long, I will soon be jumping feet first into a brand new career. I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so... SCARED like Jessie Spano from Saved By The Bell. (Ok, don't worry, I think I'm out of early 90's TV show references).

I keep having dreams that I'm on a roller coaster during the slow but steady climb to the top of the first hill. I'm terrified to reach the top and make that initial decline, but I'm also thrilled about it. This dream mirrors EXACTLY how I'm feeling about all the pending changes in my life.

Truly and honestly, I can admit that few decisions have ever felt really, really right during my 33+ years on this planet, but this new career is certainly one of them. I know I can do this, and I know that if I work hard enough, I can be very successful at it. I certainly have all the support in the world, which means the world to me.

I'm excited to help people. I'm excited to get to work and know that my work is making a difference. I'm excited to inspire and to be inspired by my clients. Bottom line - I'm excited to make my number one passion & priority my profession.

‎"You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand."
-Woodrow T. Wilson

To Excel is to Exceed Expecations

"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing." - Ron Swanson from the TV show Parks and Recreation

***

There is a six-mile running trail located within one of the many parks near my parent's house in Ohio that I try to run every time I visit them. Much of the trail is encased in a cathedral of trees, and the most prominent sounds come from the gushing river, or the critters that make their home within nature's bounty. The path is tranquil, calming, and beautiful. It's a place on earth where I feel closest to God and my truest self. Also, it's one hell of a hilly challenge.

The running path may be six miles long, but the first time my Dad drove me to the starting point a couple years ago, I told him I was only going to run the first three miles, and requested that he pick me up in about a half hour. My Dad asked me if I was certain that I would only run three miles, and after a slight pause, I assured him that thirty minutes was all the time I needed.

Something changed while I was running, though. Not only was the run both extremely challenging and exhilarating, but I couldn't imagine giving up once I hit the three mile mark. Suddenly, I was hell bent on running the whole six miles, and it felt amazing to push myself and break through the limitations that only I had set for myself.

Upon completing the six miles, I fully expected my Dad to be pissed at me for making him wait in the parking area for an extra half hour. Instead, I saw my Dad's jeep pulling into the parking lot only as I was crossing the "finish line." I immediately asked him why he wasn't already there when I had told him that I'd only need a half hour. He replied with, "I know how you are. I saw the look in your eyes before you got out of the car, and I knew you'd run the whole thing."

***

I've noticed a common reaction to telling people -not including my friends & family- that I'm going into personal fitness training. People react, for example, by asking me if personal training will be a "side job" for me, or a way to make "extra" money. My swift and adamant reply is, "NO!"

I realize that people who don't know me all that well are simply surprised by someone making such a dramatic career change, but the question gets me riled up anyway, because I would not be pouring my whole self into working toward this new career if I didn't feel that I wholeheartedly wanted to make it a top priority in my life.

Yes, I'm fully aware that there will be struggles, especially at first, but how am I supposed to work through those struggles if I'm not focused on dedicating most of my time to overcoming the hurdles? And I couldn't do that if I remained stuck in an office 40 hours a week and chose to do personal training "on the side."

Although I loathe my current occupation, pursuing this career change does not mean that I'm simply pursuing a "means to an end." In fact, I feel incredibly blessed to have found a way to turn my passion into my profession. But I also know that by doing so, a lot of time and hard work is required to excel, and to exceed the expectations of myself and others.

I will never plan to run only three of the six miles on that trail in Ohio ever again, and I will never plan to "half-ass" any major goal I set for myself.

Book Report

My #4 goal for 2010 was to read 10 books and write about each of them. It just so happens that I've read more than 10 books this year, but the following are my favorite quotes and/or passages from 10 of the books I read:

1. City of Thieves by David Benioff: "I am aware that I am aware"

2. Loving Frank by Nancy Horan: "I have been standing on the side of life, watching it float by. I want to swim in the river. I want to feel the current."

3. Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby: "She had to defend him in order to defend herself. That was why people were so prickly about their partners, even their ex-partners. To admit that Duncan wasn't up to much was to own up publicly to the terrible waste of time, and terrible lapses in judgement and taste."

4. Push by Sapphire: "Abdul get tested. He is not HIV positive. Something like that make me feel what Rhonda, what Farrakhan, say - there is a god. But me when I think of it I'm more inclined to go wid Shug in The Color Purple. God ain' white, he ain' no Jew or Muslim, maybe he ain' even black, maybe he ain' even a "he." Even now I go downtown and see the rich shit they got, I see what we got too. I see those men in vacant lot share one hot dog and they homeless, that's good as Jesus with his fish. I remember when I had my daughter, she nurse nice to me - all that is god. Shug in Color Purple say it's the "wonder" of purple flowers. I feel that, even though I never seen or had no flowers like what she talk about."

5. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini "Perspective was a luxury when your head was constantly buzzing with a swarm of demons."

"...I brought Hassan's son from Afghanistan to America, lifting him from the certainty of turmoil and dropping him in a turmoil of uncertainty."

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

6. The Other Wes Moore by Wes Moore: "There's a term in the hood for a face like Tony's, that cold, frozen stare. The ice grille. It's a great phrase. A look of blank hostility that masks two intense feelings - the fire evoked by grille (which is also slang for face), and the cold of the ice. But the tough facade is just a way to hide a deeper pain or depression that kids don't know how to deal with. A bottomless chasm of insecurity and self-doubt that gnaws at them. Young boys are more likely to believe in themselves if they know that there's someone, somewhere, who shares that belief. To carry the burden of belief alone is too much for most young shoulders."

"It made me think deeply about the way privilege and preference work in the world, and how many kids who didn't have "luck" like mine in this instance would find themselves forever outside the ring of power and prestige. So many opportunities in this country are apportioned in this arbitrary and miserly way, distributed to those who already have the benefit of a privileged legacy."

"One of the key differences between the two was the way their communities saw them. Here [South Africa], burgeoning manhood was guided and celebrated through a rite of passage. At home [America], burgeoning manhood was a trigger for apprehension. In the United States, we see these same faces, and our reflex is to pick up our pace and cross the street. And in this reflexive gesture, the dimensions of our tragedy are laid bare. Our young men - along with our young women - are our strength and our future. Yet we fear them."

7. Virgil and Beatrice by Yann Martel: "There's nothing like the the unimaginable to make people believe."

"Creative block is no laughing matter, or only to those sodden spirits who've never even tried to make their own personal mark. It's not just a particular endeavor, a job, that is negated, it's your whole being. It's the dying of a small god within you, a part you thought might have immortality."

8. My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler: "I used to think I was a black person in a past life because I looooove black people. It's the way they express themselves that draws me to them. White people, for the most part, are too conservative with their emotions and not nearly as effusive as black people when they get excited. If you've ever watched a game show where a white person wins and then, later, a black person wins, you've seen the difference. Black people don't stop and think before they jump up and down in celebration. They are so much more spontaneous and festive, and I've always felt that without that kind of energy, what would be the point of anything."

"It was Valentines Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Kettle One. The two of us watched a romantic movie marathon on TBS Superstation that made me wonder how people who write romantic comedies sleep at night.
     At some point during every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That moment predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer."
    

9. Lit by Mary Karr: "What hurts so bad about youth isn't the actual butt whippings the world delivers. It's the stupid hopes playacting like certainties."

"Their bottomless cool - their cynical postures grown from privilege they were ungrateful for - could make me hate them. Born on third base, my daddy always said of the well off, and think they hit a home run."

"The righteous cry of married men everywhere, for it's a cliche that every woman signs up thinking her husband will change, while every husband signs up believing his wife won't: both dead wrong."

"When you've been hurt enough as a kid (maybe at any age), it's like you have a trick knee. Most of your life, you can function like an adult, but add in the right portions of sleeplessness and stress and grief, and the hurt, defeated self can bloom into place."

10. Eating the Dinosaur by Chuck Klosterman: "Sometimes writing is like talking to a stranger who's exactly like yourself in every possible way, only to realize this stranger is boring as shit. In better moments, writing is the opposite of difficult - it's as if your fingers meander arbitrarily in crosswise patterns and (suddenly) you find yourself reading something you didn't realize you already knew. Most of the time, the process falls somewhere in between."