When I started this blog nearly 7 years ago, I was a naive 31 year old trying to get my voice heard in a big city full of big personalities. Being loud wasn't my thing, but I found out that writing was. I think back to the person I was almost 7 years ago and I think about how that girl was more of a child than a grown ass woman - a "late-bloomer," if you will. Truth be told, I still tend to relate to women 10 years younger than me, as proved by the fact that most of my clients are 27 year old women. Intelligent, bad-ass women, mind you.
Anyway, 6 years ago I was still stuck in a crappy job, for example, that I was too intelligent for, although I didn't believe so at the time and would remain stuck there for a few more years. I tried being a teacher, an experience I documented in this very blog. That experience was a stepping stone for so many big changes to come, and I don't regret it at all.
6 years ago I was also still trying to be more extroverted than I am, because that was the personality type preferred by most of my friends, acquaintances, boyfriends, dates, and society. I hadn't yet gained the confidence to give everyone the middle finger and resolve to be myself.
I was also obsessed with thinking that I was less than because I was single and not married or in a serious relationship like most people I knew at the time. Back then it never occurred to me to entertain the idea that maybe I enjoyed being single. Like, preferred being single. Instead, I frequently went on meaningless dates with people because I thought that all women in their early 30's were scrambling to find a husband, paranoid that all the good ones were already gone. But of course no suitor ever fit the bill, because deep down I knew marriage was not something I really wanted for myself.
I still considered having or adopting kids at that time to appease potential boyfriends, but have since admitted that it's totally fucking acceptable to not want kids. Ever. I will never apologize for the fact that my womb cringes and recoils at the thought of parenthood. I am not less than a woman for not wanting kids, and if you think so, you are ignorant and close-minded.
In the last 6 years I have grown up a lot. My life was very stationary for years before I started the blog, and has since been very up and down, rich with experience and revelation. I wouldn't trade any of my dark, depressing periods for good because of what I learned having had to deal with such challenging times.
One of the most positive experiences I've had since I started this blog was volunteering as a mentor for 3 years for a girl in a disadvantaged neighborhood in Chicago. I gained innumerable insights and the guts to get out of my comfort zone on the regular, which contributed to many other positive changes in my life.
I changed careers 4 years ago, a move that nearly destroyed me even though I maintain it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I lost a friendship along the way, which has also nearly destroyed me. I attribute that loss to ramifications of the career change, but also because I have since chosen to embrace my rare personality and live an unconventional life, which means I'm very misunderstood most of the time.
I have transitioned to becoming my own boss just this year, which was the most wonderful change of all. Pure autonomy is the way I was born to work, and all the energy I sacrificed while working in the corporate big box gym has since been restored. I'm getting out and doing things again, and my quality of life has improved immensely in just a few months.
I've moved several times since starting this blog. 4 different buildings, in fact. I lived with a boyfriend and endured a very challenging and tumultuous relationship, but am very thankful since moving out that somehow we manage to be best friends to this day. Most people don't understand our relationship, but I don't need them to understand. At this point in my life, I do not feel like defending myself. I do not see the world in black and white, and I think it's an ignorant mindset to do so.
I've been a bunny mama for 2 years now, and pet ownership has changed my life in only positive ways. I love caring for my bunnies and I also love the fact that I'll never have to pay for their braces or college education.
Since starting this blog, I've battled moving back to Ohio and staying in the big city that has become synonymous with my chosen lifestyle. And yet, I have finally chosen to leave my beloved big city to be closer to my family instead. That change hasn't happened quite yet, but the choice to do so has been a tumultuous ride in and of itself. How will an unmarried, child-free woman survive in the suburbs? These are real fears of mine.
Because I have evolved so much and see myself as a very different individual than the one who started this blog, I have chosen to end it. This is not the end of my writing, however. I am starting a new blog that will be a bit more specific in nature regarding the life I've chosen for myself as an unmarried, child-free woman. In college I was fascinated by early 20th century feminism, and that that fascination has been resurrected ever since I embraced this unconventional life I have chosen for myself. I am very happy and very fulfilled by my choices. The new blog is not a way for me to justify my lifestyle, but to celebrate it and hopefully a way to find my tribe. I know we are rare, but I also know we are not alone.
I'm not sure if anyone still reads this blog, but if so, this will be my last post here. If you'd like to follow my new blog, you can find me over at www.thenewwomanorder.wordpress.com
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Monday, June 27, 2016
Chicago Bucket List
As I mentioned in my previous post, I am moving back to Ohio sometime in the fall. As I also mentioned in my previous post, I came, I saw, I conquered the big city, and now it's time to go home. BUT, there are some things about Chicago I love so much that I want to experience them one last time before I leave. And despite my declaration, I haven't literally done everything there is to do in Chicago, so there may be just few more experiences I want to have before I bid adieu to The Windy City.
In the hours after telling Fabian that I was planning to move, I was going on and on about how I have "done" the city. I've been to the top of the tallest skyscrapers in the city. I've been to nearly every museum. I've been to countless neighborhoods and have ridden every train line. I've explored, explored, explored the city to my heart's content. Fabian noted that most people live in Chicago all their lives and probably haven't done a third of what I've done here. "And that's success right there," he noted. Yes. Yes it is! And I'm proud I haven't taken one second for granted.
All of the recent reflection has led me to create a Chicago bucket list. I cobbled this list together during several commutes to and from work over the past few weeks. I may still add to it, and I may subtract, but I really hope that when I finally head back to the hills and valleys of Northeast Ohio, I can take comfort in the fact that I really did exhaust my time in the big city.
1.) Itto Sushi - This was the first place I ever ate sushi ever in my life, so it holds a special place in my heart. By chance, I saw a post on Facebook announcing it's closure after 34 years of business, and luckily I was able to make it just in time because they are closing this week! So, this was the first thing on my list and the first thing I can cross off.
2.) The Green Mill - This is a jazz club that has been around since the days of Al Capone - probably longer - and the original decor has remained largely intact. It is said that some of the booths face the doors and not the main stage so that the gangsters could be aware of any cops that tried to break up their fun, and promptly run for the secret passageways in the basement to escape. Although I've been to The Green Mill many times, nothing feels more Chicago to me than this place, and therefore I must go one more time.
3.) Pasta Bowl - This is a tiny restaurant located in the Lincoln Park neighborhood. It has always been my favorite spot for pasta, and no matter which neighborhood I've lived in and no matter how far away, I always go out of my way to get their yummy food. Therefore, I must go back once more - eh, maybe twice more...
4.) Open House Chicago - This event sponsored by the Chicago Architecture Foundation takes place every year in October. It is by far my favorite event because at no cost you can explore parts of many different buildings in the city that aren't generally open to the public. This event is so special to me that I'd probably move back in October instead of November if it took place earlier in the fall.
5.) Visit former apartments - I'd like to visit all of my old apartments and take a pic for a collage. It sounds strange, but I learned and grew in each place I lived, and therefore I'd like to have a record of my dwellings to enjoy for years to come.
6.) Visit former places of employment - Because I've mainly worked in skyscrapers, I see the places I used to work almost daily, but for the same reasons as #5, I'd like to have some sort of record just for fun.
7.) Navy Pier Ferris Wheel - Ok, this one isn't incredibly important to me, but just this year they installed a Ferris wheel twice the size of the old one, and I feel somewhat compelled to experience the behemoth. If this item doesn't get crossed off, though, I won't be too broken up about it.
8.) Driehaus Museum - I love old mansions, and I love museums, and somehow I only just found out about this place this year. Therefore, I must go!
9.) Antique Taco - I've never been to this restaurant for tacos, but Fabian insists it's amazing. I trust his judgement when it comes to tacos, therefore, I must go!
10.) The Max - A replica of the diner from the 90's TV show Saved By The Bell?! You bet I'll be there.
11.) Piece Pizza - Ok, I could get sent back to Ohio sooner than I planned if word of this gets out about this, but I do not care much for Chicago style deep dish pizza! Piece is more New York style and I'm obsessed. Shhhh, don't tell!
12.) Pequods Pizza - Just because I don't care for deep dish, doesn't mean I don't like pan pizza. And this place has the best!
13.) Divvy along the Lakefront - For 14 years I've lived along the Chicago lakefront. I've probably run a million miles along the lake, but would you believe I've never biked it? Seems ridiculous since it's something I've always wanted to do. So, I must cross this one off the list before I leave.
14.) Chicago Architectural River Tour - I think this is the most surprising thing I have yet to accomplish in Chicago. Everyone I know has done the tour at least once. But even with my fierce love for architecture, I have yet to experience this tour, and I just cannot fathom leaving until I do so.
15.) Asado Coffee - Ok, there is this secret small alleyway off of Jackson Blvd and I've been fascinated by it for years. A coffee shop recently opened in the teeny tiny building at the end of the alley, but every time I've tried to go so far it's been closed.
16.) Lincoln Park Bar Crawl with Sara - I've been friends with Sara for over ten years, and we used to live a block away from each other in Lincoln Park for years. So of course we accumulated our favorite bars in that time, and so we are going to formulate our own bar crawl this summer and visit all of our old favorite haunts.
I think that's it for now. I've had a lot of ups and downs during my 14 years in the big city, but I love the idea of doing all of my favorite things one last time along with a few new things so I can bid farewell to this city on a high note.
In the hours after telling Fabian that I was planning to move, I was going on and on about how I have "done" the city. I've been to the top of the tallest skyscrapers in the city. I've been to nearly every museum. I've been to countless neighborhoods and have ridden every train line. I've explored, explored, explored the city to my heart's content. Fabian noted that most people live in Chicago all their lives and probably haven't done a third of what I've done here. "And that's success right there," he noted. Yes. Yes it is! And I'm proud I haven't taken one second for granted.
All of the recent reflection has led me to create a Chicago bucket list. I cobbled this list together during several commutes to and from work over the past few weeks. I may still add to it, and I may subtract, but I really hope that when I finally head back to the hills and valleys of Northeast Ohio, I can take comfort in the fact that I really did exhaust my time in the big city.
1.) Itto Sushi - This was the first place I ever ate sushi ever in my life, so it holds a special place in my heart. By chance, I saw a post on Facebook announcing it's closure after 34 years of business, and luckily I was able to make it just in time because they are closing this week! So, this was the first thing on my list and the first thing I can cross off.
2.) The Green Mill - This is a jazz club that has been around since the days of Al Capone - probably longer - and the original decor has remained largely intact. It is said that some of the booths face the doors and not the main stage so that the gangsters could be aware of any cops that tried to break up their fun, and promptly run for the secret passageways in the basement to escape. Although I've been to The Green Mill many times, nothing feels more Chicago to me than this place, and therefore I must go one more time.
3.) Pasta Bowl - This is a tiny restaurant located in the Lincoln Park neighborhood. It has always been my favorite spot for pasta, and no matter which neighborhood I've lived in and no matter how far away, I always go out of my way to get their yummy food. Therefore, I must go back once more - eh, maybe twice more...
4.) Open House Chicago - This event sponsored by the Chicago Architecture Foundation takes place every year in October. It is by far my favorite event because at no cost you can explore parts of many different buildings in the city that aren't generally open to the public. This event is so special to me that I'd probably move back in October instead of November if it took place earlier in the fall.
5.) Visit former apartments - I'd like to visit all of my old apartments and take a pic for a collage. It sounds strange, but I learned and grew in each place I lived, and therefore I'd like to have a record of my dwellings to enjoy for years to come.
6.) Visit former places of employment - Because I've mainly worked in skyscrapers, I see the places I used to work almost daily, but for the same reasons as #5, I'd like to have some sort of record just for fun.
7.) Navy Pier Ferris Wheel - Ok, this one isn't incredibly important to me, but just this year they installed a Ferris wheel twice the size of the old one, and I feel somewhat compelled to experience the behemoth. If this item doesn't get crossed off, though, I won't be too broken up about it.
8.) Driehaus Museum - I love old mansions, and I love museums, and somehow I only just found out about this place this year. Therefore, I must go!
9.) Antique Taco - I've never been to this restaurant for tacos, but Fabian insists it's amazing. I trust his judgement when it comes to tacos, therefore, I must go!
10.) The Max - A replica of the diner from the 90's TV show Saved By The Bell?! You bet I'll be there.
11.) Piece Pizza - Ok, I could get sent back to Ohio sooner than I planned if word of this gets out about this, but I do not care much for Chicago style deep dish pizza! Piece is more New York style and I'm obsessed. Shhhh, don't tell!
12.) Pequods Pizza - Just because I don't care for deep dish, doesn't mean I don't like pan pizza. And this place has the best!
13.) Divvy along the Lakefront - For 14 years I've lived along the Chicago lakefront. I've probably run a million miles along the lake, but would you believe I've never biked it? Seems ridiculous since it's something I've always wanted to do. So, I must cross this one off the list before I leave.
14.) Chicago Architectural River Tour - I think this is the most surprising thing I have yet to accomplish in Chicago. Everyone I know has done the tour at least once. But even with my fierce love for architecture, I have yet to experience this tour, and I just cannot fathom leaving until I do so.
15.) Asado Coffee - Ok, there is this secret small alleyway off of Jackson Blvd and I've been fascinated by it for years. A coffee shop recently opened in the teeny tiny building at the end of the alley, but every time I've tried to go so far it's been closed.
16.) Lincoln Park Bar Crawl with Sara - I've been friends with Sara for over ten years, and we used to live a block away from each other in Lincoln Park for years. So of course we accumulated our favorite bars in that time, and so we are going to formulate our own bar crawl this summer and visit all of our old favorite haunts.
I think that's it for now. I've had a lot of ups and downs during my 14 years in the big city, but I love the idea of doing all of my favorite things one last time along with a few new things so I can bid farewell to this city on a high note.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
What a Difference a Trip Around the Sun Makes
A year ago around this time I was having a really rough go at life. I was burned out from work and missing my former social life. Things eventually got better, mostly because I stopped feeling guilty for feeling terrible and finally gave myself permission to feel whatever the fuck I was feeling at the time, no matter how unpleasant. Relief, clarity, and peace resulted.
Mentally, so much has changed for me in the last year. Changing my perspective regarding my circumstances changed everything. For instance, last year at this time I was bemoaning the loss of close friendships, and this year I am celebrating having uncovered the truest friends in my life. Real friends understand that life happens, and sustaining a friendship sometimes means only exchanging random texts here and there.
Because the concept of understanding is a major component of any relationship, I learned that those who fail to understand will eventually fall away for good. I learned -although extremely difficult to accept- that a broken friendship is okay. I no longer carry the burden of thinking that I'm a bad friend or a bad person for having disappeared while my life was turned upside down after I changed careers nearly four years ago. I will also no longer apologize for how my life is unfolding and how I choose to deal with it.
That being said, I happened to rekindle some dormant friendships in the last year that I knew in my heart could still sustain life. I'm thrilled that even though our separate worlds have changed, our bond has most certainly stayed in tact. I admit that I do shut the world out sometimes, but I know that the people who are meant to be around when I rebound will be there.
Not unlike last year, I am quite overwhelmed with life at any given moment, and I still don't necessarily have the time or energy for much of a social life. The career I chose is not without its drawbacks, but it's fucking important to me. I still have to work my ass off just to pay my bills, and I'm still perpetually exhausted. And yet, I still find the desire to better myself and constantly improve. I'm always dreaming up ideas and working on new things, and I am now positive that I can have everything I've ever desired.
Last year at this time my outlook on life was grim. I was drowning in a sea of helplessness, unaware of how to save myself. But now I'm so much more accepting of whatever emotion I'm feeling at any point, and I've accepted that difficulties and uncertainties are a part of life. The thought that things could always be better serves as a motivational tool, and the thought that things could most certainly be worse reminds me to express gratitude.
I'm just trying to exist and live a worthy life just like everyone else, succeeding sometimes, failing other times, but accepting my journey nonetheless.
Mentally, so much has changed for me in the last year. Changing my perspective regarding my circumstances changed everything. For instance, last year at this time I was bemoaning the loss of close friendships, and this year I am celebrating having uncovered the truest friends in my life. Real friends understand that life happens, and sustaining a friendship sometimes means only exchanging random texts here and there.
Because the concept of understanding is a major component of any relationship, I learned that those who fail to understand will eventually fall away for good. I learned -although extremely difficult to accept- that a broken friendship is okay. I no longer carry the burden of thinking that I'm a bad friend or a bad person for having disappeared while my life was turned upside down after I changed careers nearly four years ago. I will also no longer apologize for how my life is unfolding and how I choose to deal with it.
That being said, I happened to rekindle some dormant friendships in the last year that I knew in my heart could still sustain life. I'm thrilled that even though our separate worlds have changed, our bond has most certainly stayed in tact. I admit that I do shut the world out sometimes, but I know that the people who are meant to be around when I rebound will be there.
Not unlike last year, I am quite overwhelmed with life at any given moment, and I still don't necessarily have the time or energy for much of a social life. The career I chose is not without its drawbacks, but it's fucking important to me. I still have to work my ass off just to pay my bills, and I'm still perpetually exhausted. And yet, I still find the desire to better myself and constantly improve. I'm always dreaming up ideas and working on new things, and I am now positive that I can have everything I've ever desired.
Last year at this time my outlook on life was grim. I was drowning in a sea of helplessness, unaware of how to save myself. But now I'm so much more accepting of whatever emotion I'm feeling at any point, and I've accepted that difficulties and uncertainties are a part of life. The thought that things could always be better serves as a motivational tool, and the thought that things could most certainly be worse reminds me to express gratitude.
I'm just trying to exist and live a worthy life just like everyone else, succeeding sometimes, failing other times, but accepting my journey nonetheless.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Adulting in 2015
When I was a kid, I often fantasized about being an adult and living on my own. A husband and kids were never in these fantasies, but making my own choices and getting to do what I wanted when I wanted to were definitely the stuff of which my dreams were made.
I remember one instance while sitting at my parent's kitchen table savoring a Girl Scout cookie thinking to myself, "I am going to buy and eat as much of these as I want to when I grow up." And I'm happy to say that at 37, I am truly living the dream.
While grocery shopping recently, I realized that as an adult I am entitled to buy anything I want simply because I want to buy it. If I want pumpkin pie and cheese cubes for dinner, then I have every right to do so. Being single and independent really is just as glorious as I thought it would be when I was a kid.
I've been so annoyed with "adulting" lately that I was relieved at the positive revelation of the good side to being an adult. Typical adult responsibilities like dealing with insurance companies, public transportation, working ridiculous hours, struggling with finances, and general daily tasks can be so annoying and draining, so it's important to seek out the simple pleasures reminding me that worrying is pointless and everything will always be okay. Because as an adult, my primary responsibility is to make sure that everything will be always be okay.
Purchasing random, delicious food is not the only thing that makes being an adult glorious though. As a fitness professional, I do eat healthy most of the time, and working out is a top priority for me. Working out makes me soooooo HAPPY. If I'm feeling down, spending an hour honoring my body and what it does for me immediately changes my perspective on anything negative in my life. The act of being aware of my physical presence and intensely focusing on an exercise immediately elevates my mood and provides me with energy for hours. I am grateful to have a career where I have the freedom to block out time for myself. If all occupations allowed this, I could guarantee we'd live in a healthier, happier world.
Another great thing about being in adult is the wisdom accrued with each passing year. In 2015 I have learned that I must never let anyone (especially someone I consider a friend) make me feel like I am a bad person just because I live my life by my own terms and follow my own path to fulfill my needs and dreams. I learned that it takes honest, true friends to help me uncover such bits of wisdom. At 37 years old I have been able to filter my friends so that only the truest remain. And those who remain are respectful of my choices, supportive regarding the challenges I face, and are not put off by the time and distance separating us. This may be one of the most important lessons I've learned as an adult. Being separated but not alienated from true friends is crucial for my well-being.
Adulting is a pain in the ass most of the time, but it's not too difficult to remember all of the wonderful things that come along with being an adult, even if it's as simple as choosing pumpkin pie and cheese cubes for dinner.
I remember one instance while sitting at my parent's kitchen table savoring a Girl Scout cookie thinking to myself, "I am going to buy and eat as much of these as I want to when I grow up." And I'm happy to say that at 37, I am truly living the dream.
While grocery shopping recently, I realized that as an adult I am entitled to buy anything I want simply because I want to buy it. If I want pumpkin pie and cheese cubes for dinner, then I have every right to do so. Being single and independent really is just as glorious as I thought it would be when I was a kid.
I've been so annoyed with "adulting" lately that I was relieved at the positive revelation of the good side to being an adult. Typical adult responsibilities like dealing with insurance companies, public transportation, working ridiculous hours, struggling with finances, and general daily tasks can be so annoying and draining, so it's important to seek out the simple pleasures reminding me that worrying is pointless and everything will always be okay. Because as an adult, my primary responsibility is to make sure that everything will be always be okay.
Purchasing random, delicious food is not the only thing that makes being an adult glorious though. As a fitness professional, I do eat healthy most of the time, and working out is a top priority for me. Working out makes me soooooo HAPPY. If I'm feeling down, spending an hour honoring my body and what it does for me immediately changes my perspective on anything negative in my life. The act of being aware of my physical presence and intensely focusing on an exercise immediately elevates my mood and provides me with energy for hours. I am grateful to have a career where I have the freedom to block out time for myself. If all occupations allowed this, I could guarantee we'd live in a healthier, happier world.
Another great thing about being in adult is the wisdom accrued with each passing year. In 2015 I have learned that I must never let anyone (especially someone I consider a friend) make me feel like I am a bad person just because I live my life by my own terms and follow my own path to fulfill my needs and dreams. I learned that it takes honest, true friends to help me uncover such bits of wisdom. At 37 years old I have been able to filter my friends so that only the truest remain. And those who remain are respectful of my choices, supportive regarding the challenges I face, and are not put off by the time and distance separating us. This may be one of the most important lessons I've learned as an adult. Being separated but not alienated from true friends is crucial for my well-being.
Adulting is a pain in the ass most of the time, but it's not too difficult to remember all of the wonderful things that come along with being an adult, even if it's as simple as choosing pumpkin pie and cheese cubes for dinner.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Shit Just Got Real
My blog is 5 years old. Holy shit. My blog is 5 years old. I realize I haven't written much in the last 2.5 years, as I've been living a decidedly more private life. I used to broadcast my struggles, doubts, changes, love life, and random observations without a second thought in my blog posts, but I've been through so many ups and downs the past few years that I'm afraid that if I were broadcasting all that was happening with me as it were happening, you might think I'm insane.
And there I go worrying about what others think of me. I'm desperately afraid of judgement. I don't know why I fear opinions of others so much and am seemingly ashamed of my "downs" when I'm perfectly happy with how I'm living my life for the most part. I'm living life. This is what life is about. Ups and downs. Celebrating ups and powering through the downs. No one is meant to be in one state for too long. I realize this. I've accepted this a while ago. It's the same for everyone. So why am I so fearful that I'm so different when I am not?
I think another reason I've chosen to be more private is because although life is a continuous roller coaster, I am generally at peace and I don't want my general inner peace to be overlooked just because I go through rough patches. I am at peace. I don't want to complain. But I suppose there is a difference between simply complaining and discussing my challenges.
While my true authentic self has been revealed more and more during the past few years, the authenticity in my writing content has dwindled. I can't tell you how many "drafts" I've started only to later delete because I don't know how to make them seem less fake and contrived.
Well, brace yourself, because shit is about to get real. I'm about to admit what has been going on with me and tell you exactly how I feel about it. I do care what others think about me even though I wish I didn't. But fuck it. One of my 15 goals for 2015 is to get out of my comfort zone 6 times this year. Spilling my guts, even in blog form, is me jumping way out of my comfort zone.
So, here is what has been happening with me and this is how I feel about it.
***
For one, I'm living on my own again. I've been living in my own place since the middle of November. I haven't told many people about it. I love living on my own even though I can barely afford it. I really love my new place even though I can barely afford it. As if I didn't have to sacrifice enough luxuries when I changed careers, I'v now had to give up hair appointments, wax appointments, eating at restaurants, going to movies, shopping, and any general frivolity other than my daily coffee habit and occasional take out order. So it's a good thing that I really like my new place, for this is where I spend all of my time when I'm not at work.
Although no longer roommates, Fabian is still my best friend in the whole world, and we see each other all the time. In fact, he is the only friend I ever see anymore. I don't know what I'd do without him.
I do not miss having a third roommate. I do not miss music playing when I don't want to hear it. I do not miss messes that were not made by me. I do not miss weird cooking smells. I do not miss obligatory small talk. I do not miss living so effing far from work. (I only shaved about 10 minutes off my commute, but those 10 minutes are essential when I work as early as 6am and as late as 9:30pm.)
I do miss the cheap rent, though. I do miss being with my best friend all the time. I do miss late night PB&J sandwiches and watching Seinfeld and King of Queens before bed. I do miss hugging and kissing someone goodbye in the mornings. I do miss Fabian's Mom's insanely delicious cooking.
But, I'm on my own again which does satisfy my independent spirit. I really do love the apartment I can barely afford.
***
I miss my family. I've been missing them like crazy for nearly two years, and have decided that I will probably, most likely, definitely will, move back to Ohio at some point. As sure as I am about wanting to move back to Ohio, I have a lot of concerns about making it happen.
For instance, will I have to learn to drive all over again? Or is it like riding a bike? How will I afford a car? What kind of job/s should I look for? Is it stupid to even think I could be monetarily successful in Ohio when I'm barely making it in Chicago? Will I get bored with suburban life? When should I move? Do I move in November when my apartment lease is up? Will I be ready by then and by that I mean will I be free of potential regret about my choice? Most importantly, how will I deal with living among all those republicans?! Just kidding. Sort of. Ha.
Another concern of mine is getting too comfortable and content with an average life back in Ohio. Settling down seems so attractive, but I know that something deep inside of me would never be satisfied with simply settling. Not at 36 years old anyway. But I've worked hard for so long on so many things and the end result is never as exciting or as amazing as I imagined. Knowing this, I still can't squelch the voice inside me that pushes me to want to do something more, something better than before.
My motivation for wanting to move back stems entirely from the fact that I want to be with my family though. I've realized in the last few years that most of my favorite memories since I've been an Illinois resident have been when I was either back in Ohio or when my family was visiting me in Chicago. Don't get me wrong, I have had some unforgettably awesome memories with people I've only known since I've lived in Chicago, but the largest quantity of good memories for the last 13 years has been times with my family.
I used to be so proud of my "escape" from Northeastern Ohio, but lately I find myself harboring a deep pride for the place where I was raised. The place where I was happy most of the time. The place that was never against me like I thought. The place where I simply didn't give enough credit where credit was due.
***
Work is a continuous struggle and even though I love my career, there are many drawbacks. I haven't been shy in admitting this particular fact before, but lately I've put up with a lot of shit that makes me wonder if the constant struggle is worth it. I am very passionate about what I do, and I really think that the shit I'm putting up with is just the universe telling me that I need to progress and move on because it is that time. Time to get unstuck.
I love the structure of a corporate gym and that so many potential clients cross my path on a daily basis, but I dislike the fact that I have to work with populations outside of my niche. While this isn't the most terrible thing that can happen to a trainer, it can be frustrating. Don't get me wrong, I have had a lot of success with clients who start from 0 and work their way up, continuously and successfully progressing, but then there are clients who start from 0, or maybe 5 out of 10, and offer so much resistance that my job becomes more difficult than it should be. I don't care if a client complains, it's when they refuse to do the work that pisses me off. On the contrary, a competitive client is no party either. When an ego takes over, results are stifled. This is one rule of fitness that I know to be indisputably true.
The pay at my company is aggressively low, which is discouraging because I dispense 100% of my energy to my clients and while I know they appreciate me, it seems as if the company for which I am making lots and LOTS of money, does not. That is some frustrating shit for this broke ass chick living in an apartment she can barely afford.
Speaking of dispensing all of my energy, I have very little energy to dispense to anyone else -including myself- when I'm not working. This is frustrating because I have so much I want and need to do that my To Do list is 9 miles long. But even when I only work half a day, I'm too wiped out to do anything else. The fact that I work out as hard I as I do is a miracle in and of itself.
So what would be the perfect solution? Well, I would love to see clients from 9 to 2 every day, work out, and then head home with enough energy to do chores and indulge my hobbies. Hahahahaha. Like that would ever be a possibility. As a trainer, we are a slave to our client's schedules. We work when the 9 to 5 peeps do not. We cannot discuss the latest episode of Scandal or whatever because we do not see the latest prime time shows because we are working (not that I could afford cable anyway). We also do not get a full 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night, every night. Our lives are not ruled by routine but rather by constantly shifting schedules, too many clients in a row or in a day, and sometimes too little sessions in a day or a month. Being a personal trainer is not as glamorous as it may seem. We some broke ass peeps, yo! Which is why we work out so much. It's a free activity. And we eat so well because we can't afford to go out to fancy restaurants, or even non-fancy restaurants for that matter.
Even when we are not working we are working. At least I am. I give my clients 24 hour access to my cell so they can ask questions whenever they arise. I love being there for them. I am disappointed when they cancel on me or are not consistent. I don't expect every client to love fitness as much as I do, but if you've investing in me, you should really consider investing in yourself much more than the two hours per week blocked out to see me.
I believe in what I do. I really love what I do. I love working. My God, I love working. But it's time to find a way to make working actually work for me.
***
Friends. Girlfriends, in particular. I used to have some really solid, amazing, fun girlfriends in Chicago. I know they have been mentioned in more than a few blog posts over the last five years.
Ever since I changed careers though, I've been a shitty friend. I'm not totally at fault, but I know I've played a major role in the distance that has been created between us all. I pretty much fell off the face of the earth during that first year of my career change. I was too tired and too broke to do anything with anyone. I wasn't reaching out and I wasn't there when they needed me most. Eventually, the invites from them ceased, and then my friends were no longer there for me. I've seen them sparingly over the past few years, and it's never like what it used to be. Conversations have been very superficial and when they turned a little deeper, the night always ended with me feeling judged and generally "not good enough."
I don't think I've ever really felt "good enough" around them though. I always felt that I was on a lower level than they were regarding education, travel experience, relationship experience, financial status, etc. I always felt like the bottom notch on the totem pole around them. Obviously they never intentionally made me feel this way, as this idea stemmed strictly from my own insecurities. But being away from them for a period of time and then reuniting with them from time to time made me realize that we never had much in common after all. And I really struggled to find common ground with them after my lifestyle had changed so dramatically.
But I miss that female camaraderie. I miss deep discussions about books and general psychology and sociology. I miss sharing glasses of bubbly with them. I miss laughing about the most ridiculous things. I miss the impromptu meet ups on weekends and even dinners on weeknights. We had some fucking awesome times that will always be embedded in my heart. Our trip to Costa Rica in 2010 remains on of my favorite trips off all time, and I still think about it often.
I guess life moves on and friendships shift because people drift. I've changed, and their lives have changed. I just wish I wasn't one of the first to drop out. But maybe it's better that I did so as to avoid feeling abandoned. I don't know. All I do know is that things are different All I can do is accept responsibility my own faults and inadequacies as a friend the past few years and hope that I don't repeat my mistakes in the future.
***
So, yeah, this is my life right now. Ever changing and on the brink of change. I believe all my struggles and doubts only exist to push me forward to where I'm meant to be at any given time. This life isn't easy, but I handle life way better at 36 than I did at 26. Most people dread getting older, but I'm thankful for it. I've made mistakes, I've struggled a lot, but I'm always learning, always growing, always improving myself, and doing so with more confidence and grace with every year that goes by. I'm thankful that while my life situations are constantly up or down, my inner peace stays in tact most of the time.
It's impossible to make sense of how the universe works, but it's very possible and encouraged to embrace how the universe changes us.
And there I go worrying about what others think of me. I'm desperately afraid of judgement. I don't know why I fear opinions of others so much and am seemingly ashamed of my "downs" when I'm perfectly happy with how I'm living my life for the most part. I'm living life. This is what life is about. Ups and downs. Celebrating ups and powering through the downs. No one is meant to be in one state for too long. I realize this. I've accepted this a while ago. It's the same for everyone. So why am I so fearful that I'm so different when I am not?
I think another reason I've chosen to be more private is because although life is a continuous roller coaster, I am generally at peace and I don't want my general inner peace to be overlooked just because I go through rough patches. I am at peace. I don't want to complain. But I suppose there is a difference between simply complaining and discussing my challenges.
While my true authentic self has been revealed more and more during the past few years, the authenticity in my writing content has dwindled. I can't tell you how many "drafts" I've started only to later delete because I don't know how to make them seem less fake and contrived.
Well, brace yourself, because shit is about to get real. I'm about to admit what has been going on with me and tell you exactly how I feel about it. I do care what others think about me even though I wish I didn't. But fuck it. One of my 15 goals for 2015 is to get out of my comfort zone 6 times this year. Spilling my guts, even in blog form, is me jumping way out of my comfort zone.
So, here is what has been happening with me and this is how I feel about it.
***
For one, I'm living on my own again. I've been living in my own place since the middle of November. I haven't told many people about it. I love living on my own even though I can barely afford it. I really love my new place even though I can barely afford it. As if I didn't have to sacrifice enough luxuries when I changed careers, I'v now had to give up hair appointments, wax appointments, eating at restaurants, going to movies, shopping, and any general frivolity other than my daily coffee habit and occasional take out order. So it's a good thing that I really like my new place, for this is where I spend all of my time when I'm not at work.
Although no longer roommates, Fabian is still my best friend in the whole world, and we see each other all the time. In fact, he is the only friend I ever see anymore. I don't know what I'd do without him.
I do not miss having a third roommate. I do not miss music playing when I don't want to hear it. I do not miss messes that were not made by me. I do not miss weird cooking smells. I do not miss obligatory small talk. I do not miss living so effing far from work. (I only shaved about 10 minutes off my commute, but those 10 minutes are essential when I work as early as 6am and as late as 9:30pm.)
I do miss the cheap rent, though. I do miss being with my best friend all the time. I do miss late night PB&J sandwiches and watching Seinfeld and King of Queens before bed. I do miss hugging and kissing someone goodbye in the mornings. I do miss Fabian's Mom's insanely delicious cooking.
But, I'm on my own again which does satisfy my independent spirit. I really do love the apartment I can barely afford.
***
I miss my family. I've been missing them like crazy for nearly two years, and have decided that I will probably, most likely, definitely will, move back to Ohio at some point. As sure as I am about wanting to move back to Ohio, I have a lot of concerns about making it happen.
For instance, will I have to learn to drive all over again? Or is it like riding a bike? How will I afford a car? What kind of job/s should I look for? Is it stupid to even think I could be monetarily successful in Ohio when I'm barely making it in Chicago? Will I get bored with suburban life? When should I move? Do I move in November when my apartment lease is up? Will I be ready by then and by that I mean will I be free of potential regret about my choice? Most importantly, how will I deal with living among all those republicans?! Just kidding. Sort of. Ha.
Another concern of mine is getting too comfortable and content with an average life back in Ohio. Settling down seems so attractive, but I know that something deep inside of me would never be satisfied with simply settling. Not at 36 years old anyway. But I've worked hard for so long on so many things and the end result is never as exciting or as amazing as I imagined. Knowing this, I still can't squelch the voice inside me that pushes me to want to do something more, something better than before.
My motivation for wanting to move back stems entirely from the fact that I want to be with my family though. I've realized in the last few years that most of my favorite memories since I've been an Illinois resident have been when I was either back in Ohio or when my family was visiting me in Chicago. Don't get me wrong, I have had some unforgettably awesome memories with people I've only known since I've lived in Chicago, but the largest quantity of good memories for the last 13 years has been times with my family.
I used to be so proud of my "escape" from Northeastern Ohio, but lately I find myself harboring a deep pride for the place where I was raised. The place where I was happy most of the time. The place that was never against me like I thought. The place where I simply didn't give enough credit where credit was due.
***
Work is a continuous struggle and even though I love my career, there are many drawbacks. I haven't been shy in admitting this particular fact before, but lately I've put up with a lot of shit that makes me wonder if the constant struggle is worth it. I am very passionate about what I do, and I really think that the shit I'm putting up with is just the universe telling me that I need to progress and move on because it is that time. Time to get unstuck.
I love the structure of a corporate gym and that so many potential clients cross my path on a daily basis, but I dislike the fact that I have to work with populations outside of my niche. While this isn't the most terrible thing that can happen to a trainer, it can be frustrating. Don't get me wrong, I have had a lot of success with clients who start from 0 and work their way up, continuously and successfully progressing, but then there are clients who start from 0, or maybe 5 out of 10, and offer so much resistance that my job becomes more difficult than it should be. I don't care if a client complains, it's when they refuse to do the work that pisses me off. On the contrary, a competitive client is no party either. When an ego takes over, results are stifled. This is one rule of fitness that I know to be indisputably true.
The pay at my company is aggressively low, which is discouraging because I dispense 100% of my energy to my clients and while I know they appreciate me, it seems as if the company for which I am making lots and LOTS of money, does not. That is some frustrating shit for this broke ass chick living in an apartment she can barely afford.
Speaking of dispensing all of my energy, I have very little energy to dispense to anyone else -including myself- when I'm not working. This is frustrating because I have so much I want and need to do that my To Do list is 9 miles long. But even when I only work half a day, I'm too wiped out to do anything else. The fact that I work out as hard I as I do is a miracle in and of itself.
So what would be the perfect solution? Well, I would love to see clients from 9 to 2 every day, work out, and then head home with enough energy to do chores and indulge my hobbies. Hahahahaha. Like that would ever be a possibility. As a trainer, we are a slave to our client's schedules. We work when the 9 to 5 peeps do not. We cannot discuss the latest episode of Scandal or whatever because we do not see the latest prime time shows because we are working (not that I could afford cable anyway). We also do not get a full 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night, every night. Our lives are not ruled by routine but rather by constantly shifting schedules, too many clients in a row or in a day, and sometimes too little sessions in a day or a month. Being a personal trainer is not as glamorous as it may seem. We some broke ass peeps, yo! Which is why we work out so much. It's a free activity. And we eat so well because we can't afford to go out to fancy restaurants, or even non-fancy restaurants for that matter.
Even when we are not working we are working. At least I am. I give my clients 24 hour access to my cell so they can ask questions whenever they arise. I love being there for them. I am disappointed when they cancel on me or are not consistent. I don't expect every client to love fitness as much as I do, but if you've investing in me, you should really consider investing in yourself much more than the two hours per week blocked out to see me.
I believe in what I do. I really love what I do. I love working. My God, I love working. But it's time to find a way to make working actually work for me.
***
Friends. Girlfriends, in particular. I used to have some really solid, amazing, fun girlfriends in Chicago. I know they have been mentioned in more than a few blog posts over the last five years.
Ever since I changed careers though, I've been a shitty friend. I'm not totally at fault, but I know I've played a major role in the distance that has been created between us all. I pretty much fell off the face of the earth during that first year of my career change. I was too tired and too broke to do anything with anyone. I wasn't reaching out and I wasn't there when they needed me most. Eventually, the invites from them ceased, and then my friends were no longer there for me. I've seen them sparingly over the past few years, and it's never like what it used to be. Conversations have been very superficial and when they turned a little deeper, the night always ended with me feeling judged and generally "not good enough."
I don't think I've ever really felt "good enough" around them though. I always felt that I was on a lower level than they were regarding education, travel experience, relationship experience, financial status, etc. I always felt like the bottom notch on the totem pole around them. Obviously they never intentionally made me feel this way, as this idea stemmed strictly from my own insecurities. But being away from them for a period of time and then reuniting with them from time to time made me realize that we never had much in common after all. And I really struggled to find common ground with them after my lifestyle had changed so dramatically.
But I miss that female camaraderie. I miss deep discussions about books and general psychology and sociology. I miss sharing glasses of bubbly with them. I miss laughing about the most ridiculous things. I miss the impromptu meet ups on weekends and even dinners on weeknights. We had some fucking awesome times that will always be embedded in my heart. Our trip to Costa Rica in 2010 remains on of my favorite trips off all time, and I still think about it often.
I guess life moves on and friendships shift because people drift. I've changed, and their lives have changed. I just wish I wasn't one of the first to drop out. But maybe it's better that I did so as to avoid feeling abandoned. I don't know. All I do know is that things are different All I can do is accept responsibility my own faults and inadequacies as a friend the past few years and hope that I don't repeat my mistakes in the future.
***
So, yeah, this is my life right now. Ever changing and on the brink of change. I believe all my struggles and doubts only exist to push me forward to where I'm meant to be at any given time. This life isn't easy, but I handle life way better at 36 than I did at 26. Most people dread getting older, but I'm thankful for it. I've made mistakes, I've struggled a lot, but I'm always learning, always growing, always improving myself, and doing so with more confidence and grace with every year that goes by. I'm thankful that while my life situations are constantly up or down, my inner peace stays in tact most of the time.
It's impossible to make sense of how the universe works, but it's very possible and encouraged to embrace how the universe changes us.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
What I Learned in 2014
At the beginning of last year, I declared in this post that 2014 would be a rebuilding year. 365 days has officially come and gone, and I can say with confidence that I have successfully "rebuilt" myself into a person I'm proud to be and that I'm living a life that I'm proud of as well. Essentially, all it took was learning how to live as authentically as possible for me to be happy and feel successful with my life.
I find myself reflecting on the events of 2014 quite a bit. While no major milestones were reached, a tremendous amount of personal growth occurred, which only made me realize how much more I have to learn and how much more I want to do in this lifetime.
One big thing I learned in 2014 is how to really, truly, love someone by forgiving them of their flaws, and accepting that I can still be loved despite mine. I often wonder where I'd be in life had I never met my BFF. He has taught me so much, supported me so much, pushed me so much, and most of all, has loved me so much. Despite my stubborn and resistant nature, he has stood by my side through thick and thin and has taught me what it really means to love.
The relationship with my BFF strengthened immeasurably in 2014. Because of him (and in addition to some very powerful self help-ish books*), I finally realized how relationships are supposed to work. And I can no longer be the kind of person who participates in negative gossip or behavior, nor can I tolerate people who (inadvertently) make me feel judged, inferior, and are not supportive of my lifestyle and choices. Real, true friends express their honest opinions to your face, and are encouraging and supportive of you no matter what.
Another thing I learned in 2014 is that stuff is just stuff. In the big city, it's very easy to get caught up in the glamour and wish for all that sparkles and shines, because money and the "stuff" it affords is often flaunted and always easily visible. But while stuff is pretty to look at, stuff does not mean that the people who own it are necessarily happy. I guess this is pretty obvious, but I spent a lot of years comparing myself to others and dwelling on all the things I didn't have, so I need to repeat this lesson to myself more than I'm proud to admit.
But it brings me to my next point. I learned how to be at peace with myself despite whatever life situation I'm experiencing. 2014 taught me to really, truly, cherish the little things. The feeling after a workout and after a shower makes me so joyful. Folding laundry, cleaning, and preparing a meal all make me feel good because I'm taking care of my life and successfully managing the things I am able to control. Seeing a client progress before my eyes, cuddling with my bunny and BFF, and exploring the city with my BFF just to take pics made me so insanely happy and appreciative this year.
I learned that making memories with the people you love is far more important than making a lot of money. I make less than half the salary I was making at my job in Corporate America, but my job affords me the time and flexibility to be able to spend lots of time with the people who matter to me most. I was able to visit my family 5 times this year! I was also able to take my BFF and my fur baby along for 2 of those trips. To be able to have the people who mean the absolute most to me on this earth in one room together several times this year was definitely a major highlight.
Speaking of my fur baby, I learned that adopting and loving a fur baby makes me more present, more patient, more aware, and overwhelms me with love. I'm in love with a bunny and I don't care who knows it! She really is my baby and I am committed to giving her the best life possible. I was meant to meet her this year and my life has been increasingly blessed ever since I brought her home on that mild summer evening in early August.
Finally, I learned that the lessons one learns as an adult must be practiced. Constantly. Constantly practiced. The lessons learned as an adult are not as easy to recall as learning state capitals or times tables. Our minds are already super conditioned in our 30's, so it takes extra efforts to be able to change your mind about something, or be open to new ideas, or new ways of doing things.
For 2015 I made a list of 15 goals to work towards all year long, just as I had made 14 goals for 2014. I reached all but a few, but I learned that working towards goals (no matter how big, significant, or small) makes me feel more purposeful and well-rounded, and motivates me to want to do bigger and better things in life.
The lessons I want to put into practice for 2015 are to not to let money, or the lack thereof, control me and rule my life. For nearly my entire adult life I've let money govern my world. But there are so many times in life that you cannot control unexpected expenses, or bad months for personal training. I'm learning to have faith and to trust that I'll always have enough, because enough is all I need. But I have the tendency to easily fall off the tight rope of confidence and stress about money, and I want to stress less about money this year. I'm very responsible, and deep down I know I don't need to worry, so I guess I need to continue practicing trusting myself, trusting the universe, and knowing that money is only money, and my worth as a human being is not determined by how much money I have in the bank. I'll be okay no matter what, because I won't let myself not be okay.
Also for 2015, I want to learn how to and then practice relinquishing so much control over my life. I have a terrible habit of wanting every detail of my life to be controlled and managed, and I feel like this may be hurting me from progressing further in life. Basically, I need to get comfortable with taking chances by getting uncomfortable more often. I've taken some pretty big risks in my life, and the results been no easy adjustment, so I've become a little gun shy when it comes to change, even though the risks I've taken have been completely worthy of risk.
I don't think I've ever been more enlightened, felt more positive, or basked in more peace when starting a new year like I am this year. I'm excited to see what 2015 will bring, all the while enjoying each moment of each day as it happens. Stay present, my friends, and cheers to 2015!
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." - Henry David Thoreau
*The aforementioned "self help-ish" books that contributed to my increased inner peace and brighter outlook on life are as follows:
The Voice of Knowledge by don Miguel Ruiz: http://www.miguelruiz.com/store/books-card-decks/
The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz: http://www.miguelruiz.com/store/books-card-decks/
The Power of Now by Elkhart Tolle: http://www.eckharttolle.com/books/now/
I find myself reflecting on the events of 2014 quite a bit. While no major milestones were reached, a tremendous amount of personal growth occurred, which only made me realize how much more I have to learn and how much more I want to do in this lifetime.
One big thing I learned in 2014 is how to really, truly, love someone by forgiving them of their flaws, and accepting that I can still be loved despite mine. I often wonder where I'd be in life had I never met my BFF. He has taught me so much, supported me so much, pushed me so much, and most of all, has loved me so much. Despite my stubborn and resistant nature, he has stood by my side through thick and thin and has taught me what it really means to love.
The relationship with my BFF strengthened immeasurably in 2014. Because of him (and in addition to some very powerful self help-ish books*), I finally realized how relationships are supposed to work. And I can no longer be the kind of person who participates in negative gossip or behavior, nor can I tolerate people who (inadvertently) make me feel judged, inferior, and are not supportive of my lifestyle and choices. Real, true friends express their honest opinions to your face, and are encouraging and supportive of you no matter what.
Another thing I learned in 2014 is that stuff is just stuff. In the big city, it's very easy to get caught up in the glamour and wish for all that sparkles and shines, because money and the "stuff" it affords is often flaunted and always easily visible. But while stuff is pretty to look at, stuff does not mean that the people who own it are necessarily happy. I guess this is pretty obvious, but I spent a lot of years comparing myself to others and dwelling on all the things I didn't have, so I need to repeat this lesson to myself more than I'm proud to admit.
But it brings me to my next point. I learned how to be at peace with myself despite whatever life situation I'm experiencing. 2014 taught me to really, truly, cherish the little things. The feeling after a workout and after a shower makes me so joyful. Folding laundry, cleaning, and preparing a meal all make me feel good because I'm taking care of my life and successfully managing the things I am able to control. Seeing a client progress before my eyes, cuddling with my bunny and BFF, and exploring the city with my BFF just to take pics made me so insanely happy and appreciative this year.
I learned that making memories with the people you love is far more important than making a lot of money. I make less than half the salary I was making at my job in Corporate America, but my job affords me the time and flexibility to be able to spend lots of time with the people who matter to me most. I was able to visit my family 5 times this year! I was also able to take my BFF and my fur baby along for 2 of those trips. To be able to have the people who mean the absolute most to me on this earth in one room together several times this year was definitely a major highlight.
Speaking of my fur baby, I learned that adopting and loving a fur baby makes me more present, more patient, more aware, and overwhelms me with love. I'm in love with a bunny and I don't care who knows it! She really is my baby and I am committed to giving her the best life possible. I was meant to meet her this year and my life has been increasingly blessed ever since I brought her home on that mild summer evening in early August.
Finally, I learned that the lessons one learns as an adult must be practiced. Constantly. Constantly practiced. The lessons learned as an adult are not as easy to recall as learning state capitals or times tables. Our minds are already super conditioned in our 30's, so it takes extra efforts to be able to change your mind about something, or be open to new ideas, or new ways of doing things.
For 2015 I made a list of 15 goals to work towards all year long, just as I had made 14 goals for 2014. I reached all but a few, but I learned that working towards goals (no matter how big, significant, or small) makes me feel more purposeful and well-rounded, and motivates me to want to do bigger and better things in life.
The lessons I want to put into practice for 2015 are to not to let money, or the lack thereof, control me and rule my life. For nearly my entire adult life I've let money govern my world. But there are so many times in life that you cannot control unexpected expenses, or bad months for personal training. I'm learning to have faith and to trust that I'll always have enough, because enough is all I need. But I have the tendency to easily fall off the tight rope of confidence and stress about money, and I want to stress less about money this year. I'm very responsible, and deep down I know I don't need to worry, so I guess I need to continue practicing trusting myself, trusting the universe, and knowing that money is only money, and my worth as a human being is not determined by how much money I have in the bank. I'll be okay no matter what, because I won't let myself not be okay.
Also for 2015, I want to learn how to and then practice relinquishing so much control over my life. I have a terrible habit of wanting every detail of my life to be controlled and managed, and I feel like this may be hurting me from progressing further in life. Basically, I need to get comfortable with taking chances by getting uncomfortable more often. I've taken some pretty big risks in my life, and the results been no easy adjustment, so I've become a little gun shy when it comes to change, even though the risks I've taken have been completely worthy of risk.
I don't think I've ever been more enlightened, felt more positive, or basked in more peace when starting a new year like I am this year. I'm excited to see what 2015 will bring, all the while enjoying each moment of each day as it happens. Stay present, my friends, and cheers to 2015!
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." - Henry David Thoreau
*The aforementioned "self help-ish" books that contributed to my increased inner peace and brighter outlook on life are as follows:
The Voice of Knowledge by don Miguel Ruiz: http://www.miguelruiz.com/store/books-card-decks/
The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz: http://www.miguelruiz.com/store/books-card-decks/
The Power of Now by Elkhart Tolle: http://www.eckharttolle.com/books/now/
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
10 Year Chicagoversary
In honor of my looming 10 Year Anniversary of living in Chicago, I'm enlisting the help of a guest blogger: Myself! 10 years ago!
Here are some excerpts from my journal entries recorded by 23-year-old Steph during the first few months of life in the Big City. Re-reading these after so many years has reminded me (perhaps now more than ever) that maintaining faith and "pushing through" despite fear and self-doubt are crucial for acheiving your biggest goals. Enjoy.
Oh wait! First, some background information: Immediately upon visiting Chicago for the first time for New Year's Eve 2001, I was smitten with the city. Even though I had always planned to move to NYC after college graduation, I knew after just one visit that Chicago was where I belonged. So, after graduation, I moved back in with my parents and got a job at a car dealership, a bar, and a tanning salon that doubled as a laundromat (that place was exactly as weird as it sounds. Ohio thing, I guess). Anyway, I told myself that I had one year to work as hard as I could to save as much money as I could so I could move to Chicago. And in exactly one year (to the day!) from starting my job at the dealership, I quit all my jobs. So one morning in May of 2002 my Dad drove me, my clothes, and an air mattress to Chicago. He literally dropped me off, and headed right back home to Ohio. My nephew's uncle, Jason, was living in Chicago at the time and graciously offered for me to temporarily crash at the apartment where he and his two roommates lived.
Thursday, May 30, 2002
Subject: What the Hell Am I Doing?
Well, I am in Chicago. I did it. I made it. So why do I feel so lousy???
Well, the fact is, I may not be here for long if I don't find a job. I had a terrible experience my first full day in the city. I went to a job interview that turned out to be one big disaster. It was definitely a "heads up" though. A total reality check. It turned out to be some employment agency that lures people in by making them think they are applying for some glamorous job. I was ready, willing, and confident to put on a great show, but I didn't have to. Instead, I was made to take spelling and typing tests to prove my worth. Turned out, according to those tests, I'm not worth much. But for reasons beyond me, the woman thought if I took all those tests over, then I would have what it takes to be a paralegal. A what?!?! Excuse me? Where did that come from??? After only knowing me for 15 minutes, she "knew" that was my destiny. I felt so pressured, so forced, so "I want to be anywhere but here." I know it was simply her job to fill a position, but at the expense of my misery? After over 2 hours of agony and rapidly plummeting confidence, I bolted.
Two more lessons I've learned since I got here.... okay three: Never buy bottled water and diet coke on the same day when walking to the grocery store. Never buy shoes and walk many miles in them the first day they are purchased. And finally, if I go out to eat by myself, always bring reading material.
These are some things that no one has taught me so far. I guess trial and error is the best and only way to really learn the city. Tomorrow's big adventure is the subway on my own. EEEEEEEEEK!!!!!
I don't believe I have ever been homesick like this before. I really miss my family and all of the comforts of home. I really miss my brother. I can't even call my family without getting all choked up. Right now, I could say that I want to go home. I want to get the hell out of this foreign city and just go home. Home. Where I am comfortable. Where I am loved. Where I speak more than once a day. I am so lonely! In a city filled with millions of interesting people, I am so alone. So isolated. And I have no money!!!! What was I thinking? What am I doing? I don't belong here!
Okay, calm down. I am in a brand new fucking city. Of course I don't feel like I fit in. I just need to give it a chance. I have never been so scared. But I just need to give it a chance. I know I will love it once I get used to things. I need to be more positive and quit being so intimidated. I already feel like everyone else is better than I am. I feel as if I am in high school all over again.
I'll get over it. Things will get better. I will be okay. I have to be. I want to be.
Sunday, June 30, 2002
Subject: It's Wanting What You've Got
Well it has been exactly one month since I last wrote and so much has changed. I really love Chicago. I am so much more comfortable with the area and the way things work around here. I still do not have a job though, which has been a pain in the ass. I also am still staying at Jason's house, where I have completely invaded his space. Totally took over his bedroom. I met a friend named Chloe. She is the coolest! I have had so much fun getting to know her and I am convinced I'd be lost without her. I have also been spending time with Maia and Leah. Super fun girls. Super glad I have them as well. I have already had some pretty crazy evenings since I have been in Chicago. I needed all that. No regrets. I miss home. I miss it a lot. But all I have to do is remember why I left, and then I am proud to be in the city. This place is great. So much to do. But if I don't find a job soon (I think I am close), then I am outta here. I am running out of money so quickly. I am temping right now, but it isn't exactly raking in the dough. I am so longing for a place of my own. I need my privacy. I really do. All I have wanted my whole life was my very own apartment. My very own. Well, hopefully next time I write, I will be employed. And then the time after that, I will have signed a lease to my very own studio!!!! Well, Chloe and I are going to do laundry right now so I better go. I really wish I had been documenting my time all along, but I am glad I had these few minutes to catch up.
Monday, July 8, 2002
Subject: None
I went to church today. Just something I really felt the need to do. In a desperate search for some spiritual guidance, I ignored my need to sleep in this morning and went to visit God.
The message wasn't as enlightening as I had hoped, but it did help some. I am not really sure what message I was seeking. I guess I was really looking for God to tell me what the next step is. I am so confused. Moving to Chicago has without a doubt been the hardest and most confusing time in my life. I honestly never know how I am going to live one day to the next. I am so anxious and unsettled. Depressed, depressed, soooo damn depressed. I just want to know that everything will be okay, that everything IS okay. I guess I can just pray and pray and pray. And actively engage myself as much as possible.
I am really hoping that the next time I journal, I will have so much positive energy to share.
Thursday, July 9, 2002
Subject: I Want to Soak Up the Sun
Okay, so I am writing again - but without any "I got a job" news. How come it used to be so easy??? Ugh!!! So discouraged. Wouldn't be so discouraging if I weren't on a freaking time limit... or broke. Seriously broke. Getting verrrrrrry desperate!!! Will sell my body. Okay, yea right. But I'm not beyond that. Ugh!
Had a wonderful experience with God today. Realized he was speaking, I just wasn't listening. Very enlightening day with God. Thank You.
Tuesday, July 16, 2002
Subject: I'll Be There...
I am soooooooooo running up the bill on Jason's Kinko's card right now. Oh well, he offered. How terrible!
Anyway, I have an interview tomorrow. I am trying not to tell too many people because I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them shot down. :( That has happened way too much already. I want to believe that my whole life does not depend on tomorrow's interview, but in a way, it does. It is the ONLY thing I really have in the works right now although I have been faxing resumes like crazy. $60 worth just today, in fact. I REALLY cannot afford to do that anymore.
So Chloe is the best. I am so glad I met her. She is so what Janet was to me my freshman year of college. As much as I think I am independent, I really need a supportive girl friend behind me. Not only does she help me, but it feels good for me to help her. Just today Chloe reflected on a bit of "wisdom" I offered earlier this week and I was proud that I was able to make her "think." Feels good.
I'm also having a really good time with the guys in the house. I am really beginning to let my guard down (finally after 2 months!!) and it feels so liberating. I am letting my humorous side slip out without reservation. They are finally beginning to see ME! ..... still adamant about living on my own though :)
Anyway, I should head back, it's getting dark. I really hope I get this job tomorrow. I love Chicago. This is my dream. And even though the position is for reception, I could never really hate it. No way will I EVER take another job for granted after going through this trying experience!!!! What a lesson. There is always a lesson. That is life.... and I won't complain :) :) :)
Thursday, July 18, 2002
Subject: Big Dreams Just Need Big Hearts
Well, this is the journal entry I have been waiting to write for a very long time. I GOT A JOB!!!! I am not sure if I could be any happier. I have been beaming all morning long. All of the hard work, all of the lessons - it has all been worth it. I really had to learn a lot before I was just handed my dream. I am so glad I did. God has everybody learn in their own way, and God taught me the way I needed to be taught. These past two months have been the hardest months of my life, but I would not trade the learning experience for anything. It was just the kick in the pants I needed.
I am still having trouble believing all of this is real. It just seems so fabulous to me right now. I am so happy!
I think the biggest lesson I have learned is that, "with God, all things are possible." I would never be where I am right now if I didn't look to God for strength. God taught me that I had to believe in myself first and foremost. I finally get it!
I am so about learning. Never stop learning. I may have overcome one huge obstacle, but I will never stop pursuing and dreaming. And I sure will be happy doing so. I am sincerely proud of myself. I am really, truly proud of myself. I did it! I made it! I love the world...
A million Thank Yous...........
Here are some excerpts from my journal entries recorded by 23-year-old Steph during the first few months of life in the Big City. Re-reading these after so many years has reminded me (perhaps now more than ever) that maintaining faith and "pushing through" despite fear and self-doubt are crucial for acheiving your biggest goals. Enjoy.
Oh wait! First, some background information: Immediately upon visiting Chicago for the first time for New Year's Eve 2001, I was smitten with the city. Even though I had always planned to move to NYC after college graduation, I knew after just one visit that Chicago was where I belonged. So, after graduation, I moved back in with my parents and got a job at a car dealership, a bar, and a tanning salon that doubled as a laundromat (that place was exactly as weird as it sounds. Ohio thing, I guess). Anyway, I told myself that I had one year to work as hard as I could to save as much money as I could so I could move to Chicago. And in exactly one year (to the day!) from starting my job at the dealership, I quit all my jobs. So one morning in May of 2002 my Dad drove me, my clothes, and an air mattress to Chicago. He literally dropped me off, and headed right back home to Ohio. My nephew's uncle, Jason, was living in Chicago at the time and graciously offered for me to temporarily crash at the apartment where he and his two roommates lived.
Thursday, May 30, 2002
Subject: What the Hell Am I Doing?
Well, I am in Chicago. I did it. I made it. So why do I feel so lousy???
Well, the fact is, I may not be here for long if I don't find a job. I had a terrible experience my first full day in the city. I went to a job interview that turned out to be one big disaster. It was definitely a "heads up" though. A total reality check. It turned out to be some employment agency that lures people in by making them think they are applying for some glamorous job. I was ready, willing, and confident to put on a great show, but I didn't have to. Instead, I was made to take spelling and typing tests to prove my worth. Turned out, according to those tests, I'm not worth much. But for reasons beyond me, the woman thought if I took all those tests over, then I would have what it takes to be a paralegal. A what?!?! Excuse me? Where did that come from??? After only knowing me for 15 minutes, she "knew" that was my destiny. I felt so pressured, so forced, so "I want to be anywhere but here." I know it was simply her job to fill a position, but at the expense of my misery? After over 2 hours of agony and rapidly plummeting confidence, I bolted.
Two more lessons I've learned since I got here.... okay three: Never buy bottled water and diet coke on the same day when walking to the grocery store. Never buy shoes and walk many miles in them the first day they are purchased. And finally, if I go out to eat by myself, always bring reading material.
These are some things that no one has taught me so far. I guess trial and error is the best and only way to really learn the city. Tomorrow's big adventure is the subway on my own. EEEEEEEEEK!!!!!
I don't believe I have ever been homesick like this before. I really miss my family and all of the comforts of home. I really miss my brother. I can't even call my family without getting all choked up. Right now, I could say that I want to go home. I want to get the hell out of this foreign city and just go home. Home. Where I am comfortable. Where I am loved. Where I speak more than once a day. I am so lonely! In a city filled with millions of interesting people, I am so alone. So isolated. And I have no money!!!! What was I thinking? What am I doing? I don't belong here!
Okay, calm down. I am in a brand new fucking city. Of course I don't feel like I fit in. I just need to give it a chance. I have never been so scared. But I just need to give it a chance. I know I will love it once I get used to things. I need to be more positive and quit being so intimidated. I already feel like everyone else is better than I am. I feel as if I am in high school all over again.
I'll get over it. Things will get better. I will be okay. I have to be. I want to be.
Sunday, June 30, 2002
Subject: It's Wanting What You've Got
Well it has been exactly one month since I last wrote and so much has changed. I really love Chicago. I am so much more comfortable with the area and the way things work around here. I still do not have a job though, which has been a pain in the ass. I also am still staying at Jason's house, where I have completely invaded his space. Totally took over his bedroom. I met a friend named Chloe. She is the coolest! I have had so much fun getting to know her and I am convinced I'd be lost without her. I have also been spending time with Maia and Leah. Super fun girls. Super glad I have them as well. I have already had some pretty crazy evenings since I have been in Chicago. I needed all that. No regrets. I miss home. I miss it a lot. But all I have to do is remember why I left, and then I am proud to be in the city. This place is great. So much to do. But if I don't find a job soon (I think I am close), then I am outta here. I am running out of money so quickly. I am temping right now, but it isn't exactly raking in the dough. I am so longing for a place of my own. I need my privacy. I really do. All I have wanted my whole life was my very own apartment. My very own. Well, hopefully next time I write, I will be employed. And then the time after that, I will have signed a lease to my very own studio!!!! Well, Chloe and I are going to do laundry right now so I better go. I really wish I had been documenting my time all along, but I am glad I had these few minutes to catch up.
Monday, July 8, 2002
Subject: None
I went to church today. Just something I really felt the need to do. In a desperate search for some spiritual guidance, I ignored my need to sleep in this morning and went to visit God.
The message wasn't as enlightening as I had hoped, but it did help some. I am not really sure what message I was seeking. I guess I was really looking for God to tell me what the next step is. I am so confused. Moving to Chicago has without a doubt been the hardest and most confusing time in my life. I honestly never know how I am going to live one day to the next. I am so anxious and unsettled. Depressed, depressed, soooo damn depressed. I just want to know that everything will be okay, that everything IS okay. I guess I can just pray and pray and pray. And actively engage myself as much as possible.
I am really hoping that the next time I journal, I will have so much positive energy to share.
Thursday, July 9, 2002
Subject: I Want to Soak Up the Sun
Okay, so I am writing again - but without any "I got a job" news. How come it used to be so easy??? Ugh!!! So discouraged. Wouldn't be so discouraging if I weren't on a freaking time limit... or broke. Seriously broke. Getting verrrrrrry desperate!!! Will sell my body. Okay, yea right. But I'm not beyond that. Ugh!
Had a wonderful experience with God today. Realized he was speaking, I just wasn't listening. Very enlightening day with God. Thank You.
Tuesday, July 16, 2002
Subject: I'll Be There...
I am soooooooooo running up the bill on Jason's Kinko's card right now. Oh well, he offered. How terrible!
Anyway, I have an interview tomorrow. I am trying not to tell too many people because I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them shot down. :( That has happened way too much already. I want to believe that my whole life does not depend on tomorrow's interview, but in a way, it does. It is the ONLY thing I really have in the works right now although I have been faxing resumes like crazy. $60 worth just today, in fact. I REALLY cannot afford to do that anymore.
So Chloe is the best. I am so glad I met her. She is so what Janet was to me my freshman year of college. As much as I think I am independent, I really need a supportive girl friend behind me. Not only does she help me, but it feels good for me to help her. Just today Chloe reflected on a bit of "wisdom" I offered earlier this week and I was proud that I was able to make her "think." Feels good.
I'm also having a really good time with the guys in the house. I am really beginning to let my guard down (finally after 2 months!!) and it feels so liberating. I am letting my humorous side slip out without reservation. They are finally beginning to see ME! ..... still adamant about living on my own though :)
Anyway, I should head back, it's getting dark. I really hope I get this job tomorrow. I love Chicago. This is my dream. And even though the position is for reception, I could never really hate it. No way will I EVER take another job for granted after going through this trying experience!!!! What a lesson. There is always a lesson. That is life.... and I won't complain :) :) :)
Thursday, July 18, 2002
Subject: Big Dreams Just Need Big Hearts
Well, this is the journal entry I have been waiting to write for a very long time. I GOT A JOB!!!! I am not sure if I could be any happier. I have been beaming all morning long. All of the hard work, all of the lessons - it has all been worth it. I really had to learn a lot before I was just handed my dream. I am so glad I did. God has everybody learn in their own way, and God taught me the way I needed to be taught. These past two months have been the hardest months of my life, but I would not trade the learning experience for anything. It was just the kick in the pants I needed.
I am still having trouble believing all of this is real. It just seems so fabulous to me right now. I am so happy!
I think the biggest lesson I have learned is that, "with God, all things are possible." I would never be where I am right now if I didn't look to God for strength. God taught me that I had to believe in myself first and foremost. I finally get it!
I am so about learning. Never stop learning. I may have overcome one huge obstacle, but I will never stop pursuing and dreaming. And I sure will be happy doing so. I am sincerely proud of myself. I am really, truly proud of myself. I did it! I made it! I love the world...
A million Thank Yous...........
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Departing Rumination Station
A lot of strength is required to admit a personal weakness.
And discovering a flaw about yourself only to realize that it has always been a part of you can be quite startling, not to mention, humbling.
Or, maybe you have always been somewhat aware that you harbored a certain weakness, but you didn't think it was too big of a deal until it became a real problem.
Regardless, sometimes that newly unearthed flaw reveals itself to you (or you are reminded of it) exactly at a point when it's not only absolutely necessary for you to see it, but when you are open and honest enough with yourself to recognize it.
I recently read an article about the unhealthy habit of "ruminating." The basic meaning of this word is "to mull something over" .... and over and over again, with no resolution or end in sight.
As I was reading the article, my jaw dropped, I gasped, and I nodded my head in agreement (Ok, not really, but I was that dramatic in my head) because I was immediately hit with the fact that I'm extremely guilty of this habit! I irrationally dwell on the past, am often indecisive about the present, and I stress about the future! I mean, I know I've always been susceptible to over-analyzing and "thinking too much," but according to the article, "ruminating" serves zero purpose, can be emotionally harmful, and can even prevent one from moving forward in life, not unlike running on a treadmill without an "off" button.
The caveat to being a highly reflective being, I suppose, is harboring an unnecessary proclivity for rumination.
It is now perfectly obvious to me that there is a fine line between the healthy act of examining life, as the philosopher Socrates famously encouraged, and teetering on the edge of falling so deeply into your head that you struggle to climb back out of it.
Therefore, going forward, I vow to concentrate more on living in the moment. Sounds easy, right? Just let it all go like tossing confetti into the air? What a liberating thought! But for this overactive mind, it's simply not that simple. So, how does one really stop the destructive cycle of "rumination?"
Like any bad habit, it's nearly impossible to flip a switch to shut it off. But, there are several ongoing methods that work for me in my perpetual struggle to be truly present in every moment:
Yoga Lessons for The Real World
Like the message I often hear from instructors while practicing yoga, "if you catch your mind wandering, concentrate on your breathing to bring yourself back to the present."
So often I find myself in a difficult yoga pose, and the second my concentration wanes, I lose my balance. The very same thing happens to me outside of the yoga studio when I'm not trying to hold Warrier 3, and the simple act of focusing on my breathing helps me to regain control of my thoughts.
Blogging/Journaling
Blogging and writing in my journal is a great way to purge the clutter in my head. I find that once those thoughts are dispensed and organized in a clear and concise manner, I feel refreshed and relieved. Don't get me wrong - whatever subject I write about remains important to me, it's just that once those thoughts are released into the Bloggosphere, they no longer fruitlessly and frustratingly tumble around in my noggin.
Ending Each Day on a Positive Note
Per my #9 goal from my 2012 Bucket List, I've been dutifully noting in my planner one positive aspect from each day. 18 days into the new year, and this goal has already made a huge impact on me! It's amazing how much more you are able to appreciate every single day as it comes when you force yourself to reflect on just one positive aspect, however seemingly small.
And finally,
Jewelry
No, I don't mean using retail therapy as a way to distract me from wayward thoughts. Incidentally, the day I began working on this post I had dinner with mis tres amigas favoritas that night, and they surprised me with a necklace they purchased for me after being inspired by this blog post.
The charm with the "?" represents dealing with uncertainty.
The garnet charm represents "vitality, courage, passion, and love."
The smoky quartz charm "calms and help manifest dreams."
The iolite charm "opens the mind, helps one to stay in the moment."
And discovering a flaw about yourself only to realize that it has always been a part of you can be quite startling, not to mention, humbling.
Or, maybe you have always been somewhat aware that you harbored a certain weakness, but you didn't think it was too big of a deal until it became a real problem.
Regardless, sometimes that newly unearthed flaw reveals itself to you (or you are reminded of it) exactly at a point when it's not only absolutely necessary for you to see it, but when you are open and honest enough with yourself to recognize it.
I recently read an article about the unhealthy habit of "ruminating." The basic meaning of this word is "to mull something over" .... and over and over again, with no resolution or end in sight.
As I was reading the article, my jaw dropped, I gasped, and I nodded my head in agreement (Ok, not really, but I was that dramatic in my head) because I was immediately hit with the fact that I'm extremely guilty of this habit! I irrationally dwell on the past, am often indecisive about the present, and I stress about the future! I mean, I know I've always been susceptible to over-analyzing and "thinking too much," but according to the article, "ruminating" serves zero purpose, can be emotionally harmful, and can even prevent one from moving forward in life, not unlike running on a treadmill without an "off" button.
The caveat to being a highly reflective being, I suppose, is harboring an unnecessary proclivity for rumination.
It is now perfectly obvious to me that there is a fine line between the healthy act of examining life, as the philosopher Socrates famously encouraged, and teetering on the edge of falling so deeply into your head that you struggle to climb back out of it.
Therefore, going forward, I vow to concentrate more on living in the moment. Sounds easy, right? Just let it all go like tossing confetti into the air? What a liberating thought! But for this overactive mind, it's simply not that simple. So, how does one really stop the destructive cycle of "rumination?"
Like any bad habit, it's nearly impossible to flip a switch to shut it off. But, there are several ongoing methods that work for me in my perpetual struggle to be truly present in every moment:
Yoga Lessons for The Real World
Like the message I often hear from instructors while practicing yoga, "if you catch your mind wandering, concentrate on your breathing to bring yourself back to the present."
So often I find myself in a difficult yoga pose, and the second my concentration wanes, I lose my balance. The very same thing happens to me outside of the yoga studio when I'm not trying to hold Warrier 3, and the simple act of focusing on my breathing helps me to regain control of my thoughts.
Blogging/Journaling
Blogging and writing in my journal is a great way to purge the clutter in my head. I find that once those thoughts are dispensed and organized in a clear and concise manner, I feel refreshed and relieved. Don't get me wrong - whatever subject I write about remains important to me, it's just that once those thoughts are released into the Bloggosphere, they no longer fruitlessly and frustratingly tumble around in my noggin.
Ending Each Day on a Positive Note
Per my #9 goal from my 2012 Bucket List, I've been dutifully noting in my planner one positive aspect from each day. 18 days into the new year, and this goal has already made a huge impact on me! It's amazing how much more you are able to appreciate every single day as it comes when you force yourself to reflect on just one positive aspect, however seemingly small.
And finally,
Jewelry
No, I don't mean using retail therapy as a way to distract me from wayward thoughts. Incidentally, the day I began working on this post I had dinner with mis tres amigas favoritas that night, and they surprised me with a necklace they purchased for me after being inspired by this blog post.
The charm with the "?" represents dealing with uncertainty.
The garnet charm represents "vitality, courage, passion, and love."
The smoky quartz charm "calms and help manifest dreams."
The iolite charm "opens the mind, helps one to stay in the moment."
Megan, Sara & Jennie appeared in my life when I was dealing with severe uncertainty and needing true friends the most. Along with their friendship, the meaning behind this necklace will serve as a continuous reminder to live in the moment, to be encouraged by my passions, and be grateful for my tremendous blessings, which largely includes my best girls.
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