Stream of Consciousness...

Warning: Post about random thoughts ahead! I normally don't write posts lacking a distinctive theme, but since four year's worth of my journal entries were destroyed when my computer crashed last June, this seems like a safer way to store my thoughts for now.

Italy
I've been thinking of Italy a lot lately, probably because if original plans would've worked out, I would be heading there in just about a month from now. I found myself (perhaps subconsciously) at Cafe Rome, an Italian cafe located in my office building, twice this week. Once for a latte, and once for gelato. An incomparable substitute, but a substitute nonetheless.

Actually, maybe I'm just thinking about Italy because it's the location of this season's Jersey Shore. Yikes. I expected that the JS kids - while highly entertaining - would fail to blaze a respectable trail for future American tourists, and so far they've exceeded my expectations. In fact, now that I think about it, the image of Team Meatball flashing their "kookas" all over town is probably pretty fresh in the minds of innocent Italian civilians. So, it's probably best to postpone my trip until the disaster that is the cast of Jersey Shore is no longer associated with American tourists. Can I get an amen?! How 'bout a fist pump?!

Tooth Stuff
As I've mentioned in a previous post, the direct result of postponing my aforementioned trip to Italy is due to the $5k worth of oral surgery my dentist discovered I needed last June. Well, I'm happy to report that I'm now post-op, and everything went well. I had to have a front tooth removed and had to get an implant with bone grafting. It's a procedure that not a single dental insurance carrier covers, but I found it quite necessary even though insurance bureaucrats do not. Anyway, my dentist told me this would be the best solution after she discovered that the bone near one of my front teeth was basically dissolving. This was occurring due to an injury I suffered when I was only nine years old, and the tooth has been a problem ever since. I wish I could tell people that I was a "rough and tumble" sort of child, and that the trauma resulted from an awesome monkey bar mishap, or a soccer injury where I sacrificed my body to block a goal. But sadly, I only have the fact that I'm a life-long klutz to blame. (I tripped. In my parent's living room.)

After the procedure of having a screw drilled into my face, the implant site then requires three months to heal and allow for the synthetic bone material to adhere to the real bone before getting a permanent crown. So, during the three month interim, I'm wearing a temporary denture while in public. During the first two weeks post op, I'd feel like such a hillbilly every time I'd walk out the door, despite donning my acrylic substitute. I'm pretty much used to it now, but I'm still hyper aware of it when I talk to people. And before having the surgery, I really thought it would be traumatizing each time I'd look into a mirror at home for the several months that there wasn't a tooth in place. Quite the opposite has occurred, however. It makes me giggle SO much! Mostly, I feel like a 32 year old 1st grader, which in itself is funny, but I find myself doing hillbilly impressions in the mirror to no one's amusement but my own.

But I don't just contain laughing at myself like an idiot to the privacy of my own home! Noooooo! I was at Target a week or so ago shopping for soft foods (of course). When I plucked a packet of rice off the shelf, a fellow shopper, who incidentally had no teeth, asked me, "Eesh that shtuff any good?" Ummm, it's rice, I thought. But not wanting to insult my fellow toothless comrade, I refrained from a smart ass reply and simply said, "Yeah, I like it." He then proceeded to tell me how he likes to cook rice with "tuna feesh." The first thought that ran through my mind was to ask him to go Hillbilly Handfishin' with me. I immediately rounded the corner to the next aisle, desperately trying to stifle my giggles. I didn't want him to think I was making fun of him! Quite the opposite, in fact, as I could relate to his struggle with whistling 's' words.

Dating
I met a guy in late July who seemed quite promising, and we even made it to four dates, despite the overwhelming results from a poll taken amongst my family members when we were all together for my cousin's wedding last month. They made it very clear that, because of his lack of chivalry on our second date, that he should not be granted a third date.

I met John for our first date at a beer garden situated in a neighborhood between our own neighborhoods. We each had a couple drinks and lots of great conversation. Score! For our second date, he suggested a very fancy sushi restaurant downtown. The fact that he took the reigns regarding the planning of this date thoroughly impressed me, so I was excited. And the level of excitement remained high... until the bill came. Even though I was 99.9% certain he'd be a gentleman and pick up the tab, I did the obligatory reach-for-purse-and-offer-to-help-pay move anyway. He then caught me off guard by saying, "So right down the middle works?" I was certainly taken aback, because he planned this whole thing, and when I plan a date, I also plan to pay. If I had known that I was going to have to fork over dough on that particular Sunday evening, I would have suggested the cheapo taco stand under the El tracks in my up-and-coming neighborhood, as opposed to fancy schmancy downtown fare. Instead, I reluctantly paid my half. But his lack of chivalry certainly rubbed me the wrong way, and my Aunt Diana told me I should have said, in response to him assuming we'd be splitting the bill, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't bring my wallet. I thought this was a date!"

So what on earth possessed me to agree to a third date, you ask? I guess I really liked our conversations? I thought he was cute? I liked that I didn't have him all figured out by the first two dates? Oh wait - he offered to cook me dinner. And anyone who knows me knows that the way to my heart is through my stomach. I thought this could be a redeeming date, especially because the dinner did live up to his incessant bragging about his cooking skills. But, I was deathly allergic to his cat! In fact, I was such an allergic mess that I had to leave immediately following dinner so as not to die of asphyxiation. Also, and possibly the more important reason for making an abrupt exit, the central piece of decor in the living room of his fancy loft was one of those hideous carpeted cat tower thingies. Barfity barf barf.

So what on earth possessed me to agree to a fourth date, you ask? I have no idea, except for maybe I'm insane? Anyway, I agreed and he told me I should plan the date. So, I randomly intentionally chose to get dinner at the cheapo taco stand under the El tracks in my up-and-coming neighborhood (I'm no dummy!). He pulled out his wallet at the register once we finished ordering. I reflexively executed the reach-for-purse-and-offer-to-help-pay move. (I assume this move is a subconscious reflex developed in women only after years of fruitless dating.) Without a word from me, John spotted the wallet in my hand and said, "Oh you got it? OK." and put his wallet back in his pocket. And at that moment I realized that he would never get it, but I was really hungry so I decided not to angrily bolt out of the place like I had momentarily envisioned in my head.

He was then rude to the super friendly owner by giving him a "note" that the ginger in the fish tacos (which were complimentary with our order) was "too strong." What a d!ck. As we were leaving, he told me that my restaurant selection was great - and SO cheap! Yeah, especially cheap for you, buddy.

Instantly cured of my insanity, I did not agree to any more dates with him.

2011 Goals: 1st Quarter Recap

At the beginning of 2011, I set some big goals to be completed within 365 days. And now that we've officially completed the first quarter of the year, here are some updates on my progress:

Goal #1 - Find a New Job
So I haven't found a new job yet this year, but I haven't been looking either. Instead, I've more or less been working on making peace with my current occupation. You see, I've noticed that having a better attitude and focusing on all the perks that come along with my job has made my 40 hours a week spent in Cube-ville much more tolerable.

Speaking of cubes, mine isn't too shabby. I'm on the 30th floor and I sit next to a floor-to-ceiling window that allows me one of the best views in Chicago. So many people I know don't even have windows in their office. One of the reasons I moved to Chicago in the first place was to be in the thick of tall buildings and magnificent architecture. My view from my desk reminds me every day that I made my dream come true.

Another example of how I'm coming to terms with my job is appreciating the amount of vacation days I have earned over the past 7.5 years. The most important thing to me about work is my time away from it, and my job allows me plenty of time to spend with family & friends and to indulge my interests. Also, no one bats an eye if I show up a little late a few times a week or if I spend an hour and a half at the gym during my lunch break. Moreover, the flexibility I have does not go unappreciated.

I've also realized that annoyances are a part of any job. Well, annoyances are part of any life experience, really. I can't naively believe that another workplace wouldn't contain its own set of irritants. Unfortunately, there is no work place utopia, so it's advantageous just to make the best out of the situation you're in. I may not be actively looking for a new job, but I am keeping an open mind should something new, different and exciting come my way. For now, though, I'm grateful for my employment, my health insurance, my gym membership, etc...

As a final note, I've always beat myself up about how I didn't go to school for something art-related. But how do I know that I wouldn't have ended up in this exact same job if I had gone to art school - or if I had majored in any other major? There are no guarantees in life, and somehow you accidentally, inadvertently, randomly end up exactly where you are. And perhaps that place is exactly where you belong for right now.

Goal #2 - Find a Boyfriend
Ummm, to say that my progress has been minimal in the love department so far this year would be an understatement. While I have managed to get myself out on one date, that date was less than remarkable. At least I got my feet wet again after going date-less for so long, eh? Anyway, I met Mr. Date through eHarmony (I reluctantly subscribed back in February as simply just another way of "putting myself out there"). He seemed nearly too good to be true on paper, so I was anxious to see if there were any sparks in person.

We had a lot of fun and laughed a lot on our date, but I didn't feel any chemistry. He also had a couple strikes against him from the start too:

1.) He doesn't drink, and I don't trust people who don't drink. I like to drink and I don't think it is too presumptuous to view that type of conflict as having the potential for major relationship roadblocks.

2.) He is a little guy! I like to think I have an open mind and that I'd certainly date someone shorter than me, but I felt like this dude's bodyguard. Especially because I walked him to his car before catching a cab when the date was over. He even thanked me for making sure he got to his car safely. I'm a fairly small person, but this dude made me feel like a "whole lotta woman," and when it was all said and done, I just didn't think he'd be able to handle this big lady.

Keep in mind, however, I wasn't exactly perfect on this date either. After evaluating how it went, I decided that I talk too much. Even after I knew things wouldn't go anywhere with us, I continued to attempt to impress him by blabbing on and on and on. Next time I'll know to reign in it and create a little mystery. ...That is, IF there is a next time. Wah wah!

Goal #2 - Plan a Trip to Italy
So the last time I wrote about Italy, I was still in the "gathering information" process. Well, I have gathered tons of info, so much so that I'm dealing with information overload, which promptly brings me to the "sorting through the information" process.

In addition, I have pretty much nailed down dates of my trip. I just have to make sure that flight prices, train schedules and hotel availability are all in agreement. I have plenty of time before I take my trip to hammer out details, and I'm as giddy about it as ever!

Eat, Pray, Eat Some More...

It's no secret that I was quite devastated when I learned that I didn't get accepted into the competitive teaching graduate program I applied to last fall. I had put so much time and effort into something that had only a 9% chance of working out, yet, the rejection blind-sided me. But as I mentioned before in previous posts, the process itself taught me so much about myself that I have zero regrets. For example, I learned how much I am willing to sacrifice for something that means a lot to me. I learned how hard I'm capable of working toward a goal. And most importantly, I learned to appreciate the process of reaching a goal so much that I now perceive the outcome -good or bad- as simply part of the process. I also truly believe everything I learned will lead me to bigger and better things in life, regardless of whether or not those things have anything to do with a career change. And, in hindsight, I feel that the rejection from the teaching program was actually a blessing.

Having said all that, I've been inspired to take on a new challenge. Although I set only two goals for 2011, it was never set in stone that I'd limit myself to just two, so I'm throwing in a third. This new challenge warms my heart just to think about it. Unlike the risk of applying to the teaching program despite the huge possibility of rejection, this new major challenge will -with certainty- come to fruition, as I'm the sole person in charge of making it happen. No one can tell me "no" as I pursue this challenge. In other words, not a single person can get in the way of my biggest dream.

What the hell am I talking about, you ask? I'm going to take a solo trip to Italy next fall. In the same way that another woman's womb calls her to bear children, my heart longs to see the world, instead. I've imagined myself traveling the world -especially Europe- for so long that I can't even recall my earliest memories of learning that other parts of the world exist, and then deciding I want to see them. And while I have been to some amazing places, the lack of time and adequate finances have kept me from experiencing all that I would have liked to by now. There is nothing stopping me now, though!

After telling my friend, Megan, about my idea for this trip, she was incredibly encouraging. She took a solo trip to Australia and New Zealand two years ago and claimed that it changed her, which, I'm finding, is not an uncommon sentiment. In fact, I'm discovering that there are so many books, movies and websites dedicated to the solo female traveler. Additionally, Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Eat, Pray, Love and the subsequent movie with the same title aren't huge successes because she wasn't dramatically affected by her travel experiences. Therefore, I want to be changed. I want to grow! And I cannot think of a better way to do so than by traveling solo.

So, why Italy? Of all the countries and cities in Europe I'm desperate to see, Italy has always been at the top of my list. But, why? Well, this girl likes to eat. And drink. And Italian food happens to be my favorite. The decision was a no-brainer, really. When first thoughts of this trip began ruminating, I thought I might start in Rome and then travel to Paris and England, but because there are so many cities I want to see in Italy, I'm planning to visit only Italy and seeing 3 to 4 cities while I'm there. Tentatively, I'd like to see Rome, Naples, Florence and Venice. I'm only currently in the "gathering information" part of the process, but the more I learn, the more excited and happy this independent spirit becomes.

I'm looking at seven months ahead of me until the trip - a time frame that would make most people quite antsy. But as for me, I am looking forward to relishing the whole planning process. And as I've learned from prior experiences, the process is as exciting and important as the outcome, after all.