When I started this blog nearly 7 years ago, I was a naive 31 year old trying to get my voice heard in a big city full of big personalities. Being loud wasn't my thing, but I found out that writing was. I think back to the person I was almost 7 years ago and I think about how that girl was more of a child than a grown ass woman - a "late-bloomer," if you will. Truth be told, I still tend to relate to women 10 years younger than me, as proved by the fact that most of my clients are 27 year old women. Intelligent, bad-ass women, mind you.
Anyway, 6 years ago I was still stuck in a crappy job, for example, that I was too intelligent for, although I didn't believe so at the time and would remain stuck there for a few more years. I tried being a teacher, an experience I documented in this very blog. That experience was a stepping stone for so many big changes to come, and I don't regret it at all.
6 years ago I was also still trying to be more extroverted than I am, because that was the personality type preferred by most of my friends, acquaintances, boyfriends, dates, and society. I hadn't yet gained the confidence to give everyone the middle finger and resolve to be myself.
I was also obsessed with thinking that I was less than because I was single and not married or in a serious relationship like most people I knew at the time. Back then it never occurred to me to entertain the idea that maybe I enjoyed being single. Like, preferred being single. Instead, I frequently went on meaningless dates with people because I thought that all women in their early 30's were scrambling to find a husband, paranoid that all the good ones were already gone. But of course no suitor ever fit the bill, because deep down I knew marriage was not something I really wanted for myself.
I still considered having or adopting kids at that time to appease potential boyfriends, but have since admitted that it's totally fucking acceptable to not want kids. Ever. I will never apologize for the fact that my womb cringes and recoils at the thought of parenthood. I am not less than a woman for not wanting kids, and if you think so, you are ignorant and close-minded.
In the last 6 years I have grown up a lot. My life was very stationary for years before I started the blog, and has since been very up and down, rich with experience and revelation. I wouldn't trade any of my dark, depressing periods for good because of what I learned having had to deal with such challenging times.
One of the most positive experiences I've had since I started this blog was volunteering as a mentor for 3 years for a girl in a disadvantaged neighborhood in Chicago. I gained innumerable insights and the guts to get out of my comfort zone on the regular, which contributed to many other positive changes in my life.
I changed careers 4 years ago, a move that nearly destroyed me even though I maintain it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I lost a friendship along the way, which has also nearly destroyed me. I attribute that loss to ramifications of the career change, but also because I have since chosen to embrace my rare personality and live an unconventional life, which means I'm very misunderstood most of the time.
I have transitioned to becoming my own boss just this year, which was the most wonderful change of all. Pure autonomy is the way I was born to work, and all the energy I sacrificed while working in the corporate big box gym has since been restored. I'm getting out and doing things again, and my quality of life has improved immensely in just a few months.
I've moved several times since starting this blog. 4 different buildings, in fact. I lived with a boyfriend and endured a very challenging and tumultuous relationship, but am very thankful since moving out that somehow we manage to be best friends to this day. Most people don't understand our relationship, but I don't need them to understand. At this point in my life, I do not feel like defending myself. I do not see the world in black and white, and I think it's an ignorant mindset to do so.
I've been a bunny mama for 2 years now, and pet ownership has changed my life in only positive ways. I love caring for my bunnies and I also love the fact that I'll never have to pay for their braces or college education.
Since starting this blog, I've battled moving back to Ohio and staying in the big city that has become synonymous with my chosen lifestyle. And yet, I have finally chosen to leave my beloved big city to be closer to my family instead. That change hasn't happened quite yet, but the choice to do so has been a tumultuous ride in and of itself. How will an unmarried, child-free woman survive in the suburbs? These are real fears of mine.
Because I have evolved so much and see myself as a very different individual than the one who started this blog, I have chosen to end it. This is not the end of my writing, however. I am starting a new blog that will be a bit more specific in nature regarding the life I've chosen for myself as an unmarried, child-free woman. In college I was fascinated by early 20th century feminism, and that that fascination has been resurrected ever since I embraced this unconventional life I have chosen for myself. I am very happy and very fulfilled by my choices. The new blog is not a way for me to justify my lifestyle, but to celebrate it and hopefully a way to find my tribe. I know we are rare, but I also know we are not alone.
I'm not sure if anyone still reads this blog, but if so, this will be my last post here. If you'd like to follow my new blog, you can find me over at www.thenewwomanorder.wordpress.com
Showing posts with label Chicago. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chicago. Show all posts
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Steph and The City
Is it possible for one's heart to be in two places at one time? For the first time in my life, I feel as though my heart is in both Chicago and Northeast Ohio. I know it's probably because I know I'm leaving, and because it's summertime, but I'm becoming really sad about leaving Chicago. I am a city girl, through and through. Of course, then there are days when I just want peace and quiet and the ability to see my family or go hiking whenever I want.
I grew up in Northeast Ohio, but I fully grew into myself in Chicago. I like how I turned out. Chicago has never coddled or enabled me. I can now fully appreciate that Chicago provided enough tough love to help mold me into the strong-willed, assertive, non-shit taking, open-minded, kind, independent, and compassionate woman that I am today. I can say with certainty that I wouldn't be who I am today had I stayed in Ohio. It has been one big adventure in the big city, which was what I had always wanted. I just didn't realize that adventure would usually be difficult but always intended to help me.
I find myself walking around lately wondering how I'm going to leave this little neighborhood that I love. I wonder what it's going to be like to look out my window and not see tall buildings all around me. I wonder how I'm going to say good-bye to Fabian and I wonder how I'm going to live without him. I'm so happy with my newfound career autonomy, and I wonder if I'm going to be able to maintain the same sort of autonomy in Ohio.
At this point in time, I am the happiest I have ever been in 14 years, which makes the thought of leaving so much more difficult. Or is knowing that I am leaving what is making me so happy? I can't be sure. I do know that, currently, it feels like my heart is in two places at once.
I grew up in Northeast Ohio, but I fully grew into myself in Chicago. I like how I turned out. Chicago has never coddled or enabled me. I can now fully appreciate that Chicago provided enough tough love to help mold me into the strong-willed, assertive, non-shit taking, open-minded, kind, independent, and compassionate woman that I am today. I can say with certainty that I wouldn't be who I am today had I stayed in Ohio. It has been one big adventure in the big city, which was what I had always wanted. I just didn't realize that adventure would usually be difficult but always intended to help me.
I find myself walking around lately wondering how I'm going to leave this little neighborhood that I love. I wonder what it's going to be like to look out my window and not see tall buildings all around me. I wonder how I'm going to say good-bye to Fabian and I wonder how I'm going to live without him. I'm so happy with my newfound career autonomy, and I wonder if I'm going to be able to maintain the same sort of autonomy in Ohio.
At this point in time, I am the happiest I have ever been in 14 years, which makes the thought of leaving so much more difficult. Or is knowing that I am leaving what is making me so happy? I can't be sure. I do know that, currently, it feels like my heart is in two places at once.
Monday, June 27, 2016
Chicago Bucket List
As I mentioned in my previous post, I am moving back to Ohio sometime in the fall. As I also mentioned in my previous post, I came, I saw, I conquered the big city, and now it's time to go home. BUT, there are some things about Chicago I love so much that I want to experience them one last time before I leave. And despite my declaration, I haven't literally done everything there is to do in Chicago, so there may be just few more experiences I want to have before I bid adieu to The Windy City.
In the hours after telling Fabian that I was planning to move, I was going on and on about how I have "done" the city. I've been to the top of the tallest skyscrapers in the city. I've been to nearly every museum. I've been to countless neighborhoods and have ridden every train line. I've explored, explored, explored the city to my heart's content. Fabian noted that most people live in Chicago all their lives and probably haven't done a third of what I've done here. "And that's success right there," he noted. Yes. Yes it is! And I'm proud I haven't taken one second for granted.
All of the recent reflection has led me to create a Chicago bucket list. I cobbled this list together during several commutes to and from work over the past few weeks. I may still add to it, and I may subtract, but I really hope that when I finally head back to the hills and valleys of Northeast Ohio, I can take comfort in the fact that I really did exhaust my time in the big city.
1.) Itto Sushi - This was the first place I ever ate sushi ever in my life, so it holds a special place in my heart. By chance, I saw a post on Facebook announcing it's closure after 34 years of business, and luckily I was able to make it just in time because they are closing this week! So, this was the first thing on my list and the first thing I can cross off.
2.) The Green Mill - This is a jazz club that has been around since the days of Al Capone - probably longer - and the original decor has remained largely intact. It is said that some of the booths face the doors and not the main stage so that the gangsters could be aware of any cops that tried to break up their fun, and promptly run for the secret passageways in the basement to escape. Although I've been to The Green Mill many times, nothing feels more Chicago to me than this place, and therefore I must go one more time.
3.) Pasta Bowl - This is a tiny restaurant located in the Lincoln Park neighborhood. It has always been my favorite spot for pasta, and no matter which neighborhood I've lived in and no matter how far away, I always go out of my way to get their yummy food. Therefore, I must go back once more - eh, maybe twice more...
4.) Open House Chicago - This event sponsored by the Chicago Architecture Foundation takes place every year in October. It is by far my favorite event because at no cost you can explore parts of many different buildings in the city that aren't generally open to the public. This event is so special to me that I'd probably move back in October instead of November if it took place earlier in the fall.
5.) Visit former apartments - I'd like to visit all of my old apartments and take a pic for a collage. It sounds strange, but I learned and grew in each place I lived, and therefore I'd like to have a record of my dwellings to enjoy for years to come.
6.) Visit former places of employment - Because I've mainly worked in skyscrapers, I see the places I used to work almost daily, but for the same reasons as #5, I'd like to have some sort of record just for fun.
7.) Navy Pier Ferris Wheel - Ok, this one isn't incredibly important to me, but just this year they installed a Ferris wheel twice the size of the old one, and I feel somewhat compelled to experience the behemoth. If this item doesn't get crossed off, though, I won't be too broken up about it.
8.) Driehaus Museum - I love old mansions, and I love museums, and somehow I only just found out about this place this year. Therefore, I must go!
9.) Antique Taco - I've never been to this restaurant for tacos, but Fabian insists it's amazing. I trust his judgement when it comes to tacos, therefore, I must go!
10.) The Max - A replica of the diner from the 90's TV show Saved By The Bell?! You bet I'll be there.
11.) Piece Pizza - Ok, I could get sent back to Ohio sooner than I planned if word of this gets out about this, but I do not care much for Chicago style deep dish pizza! Piece is more New York style and I'm obsessed. Shhhh, don't tell!
12.) Pequods Pizza - Just because I don't care for deep dish, doesn't mean I don't like pan pizza. And this place has the best!
13.) Divvy along the Lakefront - For 14 years I've lived along the Chicago lakefront. I've probably run a million miles along the lake, but would you believe I've never biked it? Seems ridiculous since it's something I've always wanted to do. So, I must cross this one off the list before I leave.
14.) Chicago Architectural River Tour - I think this is the most surprising thing I have yet to accomplish in Chicago. Everyone I know has done the tour at least once. But even with my fierce love for architecture, I have yet to experience this tour, and I just cannot fathom leaving until I do so.
15.) Asado Coffee - Ok, there is this secret small alleyway off of Jackson Blvd and I've been fascinated by it for years. A coffee shop recently opened in the teeny tiny building at the end of the alley, but every time I've tried to go so far it's been closed.
16.) Lincoln Park Bar Crawl with Sara - I've been friends with Sara for over ten years, and we used to live a block away from each other in Lincoln Park for years. So of course we accumulated our favorite bars in that time, and so we are going to formulate our own bar crawl this summer and visit all of our old favorite haunts.
I think that's it for now. I've had a lot of ups and downs during my 14 years in the big city, but I love the idea of doing all of my favorite things one last time along with a few new things so I can bid farewell to this city on a high note.
In the hours after telling Fabian that I was planning to move, I was going on and on about how I have "done" the city. I've been to the top of the tallest skyscrapers in the city. I've been to nearly every museum. I've been to countless neighborhoods and have ridden every train line. I've explored, explored, explored the city to my heart's content. Fabian noted that most people live in Chicago all their lives and probably haven't done a third of what I've done here. "And that's success right there," he noted. Yes. Yes it is! And I'm proud I haven't taken one second for granted.
All of the recent reflection has led me to create a Chicago bucket list. I cobbled this list together during several commutes to and from work over the past few weeks. I may still add to it, and I may subtract, but I really hope that when I finally head back to the hills and valleys of Northeast Ohio, I can take comfort in the fact that I really did exhaust my time in the big city.
1.) Itto Sushi - This was the first place I ever ate sushi ever in my life, so it holds a special place in my heart. By chance, I saw a post on Facebook announcing it's closure after 34 years of business, and luckily I was able to make it just in time because they are closing this week! So, this was the first thing on my list and the first thing I can cross off.
2.) The Green Mill - This is a jazz club that has been around since the days of Al Capone - probably longer - and the original decor has remained largely intact. It is said that some of the booths face the doors and not the main stage so that the gangsters could be aware of any cops that tried to break up their fun, and promptly run for the secret passageways in the basement to escape. Although I've been to The Green Mill many times, nothing feels more Chicago to me than this place, and therefore I must go one more time.
3.) Pasta Bowl - This is a tiny restaurant located in the Lincoln Park neighborhood. It has always been my favorite spot for pasta, and no matter which neighborhood I've lived in and no matter how far away, I always go out of my way to get their yummy food. Therefore, I must go back once more - eh, maybe twice more...
4.) Open House Chicago - This event sponsored by the Chicago Architecture Foundation takes place every year in October. It is by far my favorite event because at no cost you can explore parts of many different buildings in the city that aren't generally open to the public. This event is so special to me that I'd probably move back in October instead of November if it took place earlier in the fall.
5.) Visit former apartments - I'd like to visit all of my old apartments and take a pic for a collage. It sounds strange, but I learned and grew in each place I lived, and therefore I'd like to have a record of my dwellings to enjoy for years to come.
6.) Visit former places of employment - Because I've mainly worked in skyscrapers, I see the places I used to work almost daily, but for the same reasons as #5, I'd like to have some sort of record just for fun.
7.) Navy Pier Ferris Wheel - Ok, this one isn't incredibly important to me, but just this year they installed a Ferris wheel twice the size of the old one, and I feel somewhat compelled to experience the behemoth. If this item doesn't get crossed off, though, I won't be too broken up about it.
8.) Driehaus Museum - I love old mansions, and I love museums, and somehow I only just found out about this place this year. Therefore, I must go!
9.) Antique Taco - I've never been to this restaurant for tacos, but Fabian insists it's amazing. I trust his judgement when it comes to tacos, therefore, I must go!
10.) The Max - A replica of the diner from the 90's TV show Saved By The Bell?! You bet I'll be there.
11.) Piece Pizza - Ok, I could get sent back to Ohio sooner than I planned if word of this gets out about this, but I do not care much for Chicago style deep dish pizza! Piece is more New York style and I'm obsessed. Shhhh, don't tell!
12.) Pequods Pizza - Just because I don't care for deep dish, doesn't mean I don't like pan pizza. And this place has the best!
13.) Divvy along the Lakefront - For 14 years I've lived along the Chicago lakefront. I've probably run a million miles along the lake, but would you believe I've never biked it? Seems ridiculous since it's something I've always wanted to do. So, I must cross this one off the list before I leave.
14.) Chicago Architectural River Tour - I think this is the most surprising thing I have yet to accomplish in Chicago. Everyone I know has done the tour at least once. But even with my fierce love for architecture, I have yet to experience this tour, and I just cannot fathom leaving until I do so.
15.) Asado Coffee - Ok, there is this secret small alleyway off of Jackson Blvd and I've been fascinated by it for years. A coffee shop recently opened in the teeny tiny building at the end of the alley, but every time I've tried to go so far it's been closed.
16.) Lincoln Park Bar Crawl with Sara - I've been friends with Sara for over ten years, and we used to live a block away from each other in Lincoln Park for years. So of course we accumulated our favorite bars in that time, and so we are going to formulate our own bar crawl this summer and visit all of our old favorite haunts.
I think that's it for now. I've had a lot of ups and downs during my 14 years in the big city, but I love the idea of doing all of my favorite things one last time along with a few new things so I can bid farewell to this city on a high note.
The Pursuit of Happiness
Happiness is.... being at peace with a decision that took a really, really long time to make. I have discovered that there is no such thing as "perfect timing," but there is a time when making a change feels right.
I'd been filled with anxiety for months knowing that I needed to make a change, but I hadn't felt until recently that I could pull it off, even though I'd been carefully planning a transition.
Before I made the decision to leave my job in favor of training independently, I was so nervous that it might not work out and feeling a bit guilty with the idea of leaving my loyal clients, supportive manager, and fun co-workers.
Had my trainer friend Cristina not asked me to take over her clients when she has her baby, who knows if I would've ever had the guts to leave my stable job in favor of something that is risky, yet far more suited for my personality.
Leaving my job isn't the only huge life decision I've made recently though. I will also be moving back to Ohio in the fall to be closer to my family. I know I've expressed the desire to move back to Ohio a few times in this blog, and I've finally decided that because life is short, I need to spend as much time with my family as possible. I've already missed out on so much with them.
I told Fabian I was leaving Chicago and I resigned from my job 2 days later. To say the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement, but I really am so happy and at peace with my decisions.
Before I gave my boss my resignation, I had to constantly remind myself that the reason I started this whole process of making a change is because I was working in the wrong environment, and it wasn't healthy for me. I wasn't being a brat, or negative, or lazy, or selfish for wanting things to be different.
I didn't quit when things got hard, and they got really hard soon after I started my career as a personal trainer four years ago. I never gave up at the corporate gym and instead pressed on to do the job that I love for little money in an overstimulating environment that made me miserable.
I know it must sound dramatic to non-introverts, but working in an overstimulating environment has cost me plenty over the years including energy, friendships, a social life, the desire to try new things, and the desire to find love. And yet, I still felt guilty for wanting to get out of my situation. I felt guilty for not having the energy to be more successful at work despite the energy-draining environment.
I should never feel guilty about wanting to be happy though. I shouldn't ever feel guilty for wanting to do my work the way I want to do it in the environment that is better suited for me. In fact, the more I read about being an entrepreneur, the more I uncover just how much I was meant to do work all along. It turns out that I'm not lazy and I don't hate hard work. I just need more autonomy to be happy.
Before I resigned, and now that I'm on my own, I'm choosing to trust that everything will work out for me. Making big life changes is scary, and things have never really gone smoothly for me in the past when I've made big changes. But this time I carefully planned my transition. I have the experience, confidence, work ethic, and motivation to be successful and don't have to rely on luck. This change is also different because now I know exactly what I want after having experienced major extremes in my adult life. Bottom line - I want work/life balance and the chance to be truly happy doing what I love exactly how I want to do it. I fucking deserve it.
Regarding my big moving plans, I think I was more nervous about telling Fabian about going back to Ohio than I was about quitting my my job. I know Fabian loves me and the bunnies so much, and we love him so much, so it truly breaks my heart to leave him. But I know in my heart that I can't feel guilty for wanting to be close to my family.
I came, I saw, I conquered the big city, and now it's time to go home. A few months ago I was at the checkout counter at Dick's Sporting Goods and when the cashier asked for my zip code, I instinctively rattled off "44223, " even though I haven't lived in Ohio for 14 years. That moment really made me think. Clearly my desire to be home is subconscious as well as conscious.
But I waited to announce my decision until my head was in agreement with my heart, and my subconscious mind was in alignment with my conscious mind regarding the reality of making the move. And even though there is no such thing as perfect timing - because I can think of a million excuses to stay - the thought of moving home feels absolutely right.
I'd been filled with anxiety for months knowing that I needed to make a change, but I hadn't felt until recently that I could pull it off, even though I'd been carefully planning a transition.
Before I made the decision to leave my job in favor of training independently, I was so nervous that it might not work out and feeling a bit guilty with the idea of leaving my loyal clients, supportive manager, and fun co-workers.
Had my trainer friend Cristina not asked me to take over her clients when she has her baby, who knows if I would've ever had the guts to leave my stable job in favor of something that is risky, yet far more suited for my personality.
Leaving my job isn't the only huge life decision I've made recently though. I will also be moving back to Ohio in the fall to be closer to my family. I know I've expressed the desire to move back to Ohio a few times in this blog, and I've finally decided that because life is short, I need to spend as much time with my family as possible. I've already missed out on so much with them.
I told Fabian I was leaving Chicago and I resigned from my job 2 days later. To say the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement, but I really am so happy and at peace with my decisions.
Before I gave my boss my resignation, I had to constantly remind myself that the reason I started this whole process of making a change is because I was working in the wrong environment, and it wasn't healthy for me. I wasn't being a brat, or negative, or lazy, or selfish for wanting things to be different.
I didn't quit when things got hard, and they got really hard soon after I started my career as a personal trainer four years ago. I never gave up at the corporate gym and instead pressed on to do the job that I love for little money in an overstimulating environment that made me miserable.
I know it must sound dramatic to non-introverts, but working in an overstimulating environment has cost me plenty over the years including energy, friendships, a social life, the desire to try new things, and the desire to find love. And yet, I still felt guilty for wanting to get out of my situation. I felt guilty for not having the energy to be more successful at work despite the energy-draining environment.
I should never feel guilty about wanting to be happy though. I shouldn't ever feel guilty for wanting to do my work the way I want to do it in the environment that is better suited for me. In fact, the more I read about being an entrepreneur, the more I uncover just how much I was meant to do work all along. It turns out that I'm not lazy and I don't hate hard work. I just need more autonomy to be happy.
Before I resigned, and now that I'm on my own, I'm choosing to trust that everything will work out for me. Making big life changes is scary, and things have never really gone smoothly for me in the past when I've made big changes. But this time I carefully planned my transition. I have the experience, confidence, work ethic, and motivation to be successful and don't have to rely on luck. This change is also different because now I know exactly what I want after having experienced major extremes in my adult life. Bottom line - I want work/life balance and the chance to be truly happy doing what I love exactly how I want to do it. I fucking deserve it.
Regarding my big moving plans, I think I was more nervous about telling Fabian about going back to Ohio than I was about quitting my my job. I know Fabian loves me and the bunnies so much, and we love him so much, so it truly breaks my heart to leave him. But I know in my heart that I can't feel guilty for wanting to be close to my family.
I came, I saw, I conquered the big city, and now it's time to go home. A few months ago I was at the checkout counter at Dick's Sporting Goods and when the cashier asked for my zip code, I instinctively rattled off "44223, " even though I haven't lived in Ohio for 14 years. That moment really made me think. Clearly my desire to be home is subconscious as well as conscious.
But I waited to announce my decision until my head was in agreement with my heart, and my subconscious mind was in alignment with my conscious mind regarding the reality of making the move. And even though there is no such thing as perfect timing - because I can think of a million excuses to stay - the thought of moving home feels absolutely right.
Saturday, May 21, 2016
Living in the Past 14 Years
I have been far too distracted in my adult life by the things I don't want, rather than focusing on what I do want. If I'm not stressed about my financial situation at any given time, and worrying if I'll ever know what it's like to experience financial freedom, then I'm too concentrated on the fact that I work in a place that is not conducive to me being successful in my career.
I should, in fact, be fantasizing about what it's like to experience financial freedom and figuring out how to achieve it, as well as getting my ass out of my current work environment and figuring out how to do my job in a way that allows me to live up to my full potential.
I have the confidence, experience, and education to do what I want, exactly the way I want it, and yet I feel so out of control of the direction of my life. But if I don't suck it up and take control, who the fuck will?
I'm fucking 37 years old. It is time to do things differently. It is time to do things that will benefit me in the long run, instead of worrying about how behind I am and wondering how I'm going to get through today.
I should know by now that trial and error is okay, as long as I keep moving forward. I really don't have anything to lose, except everything. But I can bounce back from losing everything. I've gotten this far, haven't I?
I crave autonomy in all aspects of my life, especially my career. I can have that autonomy if I just push myself a little harder. Actually, at the present moment life is lighting a fire under my ass to get me moving. The universe has a funny way of doing this to me - to all of us. And I don't resent the universe for making me move. Sometimes the universe has more confidence in me than I do.
Ever since I became a college student and my inner world was exposed to dreams I had never dared to dream, and thoughts I never thought to think, I've seen myself doing something above average with my life. Even when I couldn't pin point what that above average thing was, I knew I was meant to do something different from most folks.
14 years ago, for example, I knew I had to move to the big city. I've also always known that I never wanted to be bogged down with marriage and kids because I knew in my heart I was meant to take a different path. I knew I didn't want to be like everyone else because I've always known that I'm not like everyone else.
When I moved to Chicago 14 years ago this very month, I thought that I was supposed to be a successful business woman, even though anything related to business bored me to tears. I was a receptionist, then an administrative assistant, then an event planner, then a commissions associate. None of those titles thrilled me or felt at all natural for me, but I conjured a fair amount of enthusiasm and gave each role my very best.
I finally switched careers four years ago to do something that lit my insides on fire and made me excited to go to work. And while I still absolutely love what I do, I learned early on that the environment is all wrong for me. A busy, loud, crowded commercial gym is the exact opposite of what is considered an ideal environment for an introvert. But, as with everything I have ever done, I have always given my best, fully knowing that my best in the wrong environment will never be good enough.
I need to stop beating myself up about not fitting in, because I'm holding myself back by doing so. I need to look forward and press on, thankful that I have the ability to do my job differently. I do have the possibility to fulfill my potential and become financially free. It's time. I can't waste any more time bemoaning my current situation when a fulfilling and financially free future awaits.
I should, in fact, be fantasizing about what it's like to experience financial freedom and figuring out how to achieve it, as well as getting my ass out of my current work environment and figuring out how to do my job in a way that allows me to live up to my full potential.
I have the confidence, experience, and education to do what I want, exactly the way I want it, and yet I feel so out of control of the direction of my life. But if I don't suck it up and take control, who the fuck will?
I'm fucking 37 years old. It is time to do things differently. It is time to do things that will benefit me in the long run, instead of worrying about how behind I am and wondering how I'm going to get through today.
I should know by now that trial and error is okay, as long as I keep moving forward. I really don't have anything to lose, except everything. But I can bounce back from losing everything. I've gotten this far, haven't I?
I crave autonomy in all aspects of my life, especially my career. I can have that autonomy if I just push myself a little harder. Actually, at the present moment life is lighting a fire under my ass to get me moving. The universe has a funny way of doing this to me - to all of us. And I don't resent the universe for making me move. Sometimes the universe has more confidence in me than I do.
Ever since I became a college student and my inner world was exposed to dreams I had never dared to dream, and thoughts I never thought to think, I've seen myself doing something above average with my life. Even when I couldn't pin point what that above average thing was, I knew I was meant to do something different from most folks.
14 years ago, for example, I knew I had to move to the big city. I've also always known that I never wanted to be bogged down with marriage and kids because I knew in my heart I was meant to take a different path. I knew I didn't want to be like everyone else because I've always known that I'm not like everyone else.
When I moved to Chicago 14 years ago this very month, I thought that I was supposed to be a successful business woman, even though anything related to business bored me to tears. I was a receptionist, then an administrative assistant, then an event planner, then a commissions associate. None of those titles thrilled me or felt at all natural for me, but I conjured a fair amount of enthusiasm and gave each role my very best.
I finally switched careers four years ago to do something that lit my insides on fire and made me excited to go to work. And while I still absolutely love what I do, I learned early on that the environment is all wrong for me. A busy, loud, crowded commercial gym is the exact opposite of what is considered an ideal environment for an introvert. But, as with everything I have ever done, I have always given my best, fully knowing that my best in the wrong environment will never be good enough.
I need to stop beating myself up about not fitting in, because I'm holding myself back by doing so. I need to look forward and press on, thankful that I have the ability to do my job differently. I do have the possibility to fulfill my potential and become financially free. It's time. I can't waste any more time bemoaning my current situation when a fulfilling and financially free future awaits.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
The Decision
I was visiting my parents in Ohio and sitting in their living room on an impossibly hot July day several years ago when LeBron James announced his decision to take his talents to Miami. The reaction to the The Decision by Cavs fans was heard round the world. People in Ohio freaked the fuck out. The local news paper, in highly dramatic fashion, published a nearly full page photo of the reactionary faces of the members of one of his fan clubs - a group of grandmothers. Grandmothers, for crying out loud. Does it get any sadder than seeing a bunch of grandmothers looking shocked and disappointed?! Some people were more angry than sad and they expressed their anger by burning jerseys bearing his name in the streets. Upon hearing the news, my Dad laced together a line of obscenities so long it could have circled the globe several times.
My own reaction was a bit different though. As a life long Cavs fan and supporter of LeBron James, I did not immediately feel sad, angry, or disappointed. I felt brief shock, followed by a complete understanding. LeBron wasn't leaving Ohio because he hated it. LeBron was leaving Ohio because he needed to discover more. He needed to experience more. He wanted to get out of the bubble that is Akron, Ohio because the idea that life was different in other parts of the country was not lost on him. Okay, maybe he thought he'd have a better chance to win a championship in Miami. In fact, I'm pretty sure that was the number one reason. And maybe I'm the one projecting all of these thoughts onto LeBron's situation because these are all the things I felt when I decided to leave the town where I grew up to move to Chicago.
I did not want to leave because I hated Ohio or I hated my family. I wanted to leave because I had the desire to grow. Previously to moving to Chicago, I had always taken the easy road, or the path of least resistance. Challenge scared me, so I avoided it most of the time. Even though finishing college in four years was challenging, I chose the least challenging major, for instance. My decision to move to Chicago was going to be the biggest challenge of my life, and I needed to prove to myself that I could do it.
I've been in the city for nearly 14 years, and I can say without reservation that the big city does not make life easy. The big city does not allow you to take the path of least resistance. I've struggled a lot while living in Chicago, but I've changed a lot too. I'm a stronger person because of my struggles, and I don't think I'd be the person I am today if I never risked it all to move so far out of my comfort zone.
Despite the grind and grit of city life, being away from my family for 14 years has definitely been the hardest part of living in Chicago. I often find myself wondering what more I have left to do in Chicago, or if it's finally time to wrap things up in Oz and click my heels to head back to Kansas.
In fact, I have such a strong desire to move back to Ohio to be closer to my family that I'm predicting I'll make the move within the year. I've been weighing this decision for several years now, and I finally feel in my heart that it's time. I truly feel as if I came, I saw, and I conquered the big city. There is plenty I'll miss, plenty I won't, but nothing beats the fact that I just want to be with my family.
Despite the grind and grit of city life, being away from my family for 14 years has definitely been the hardest part of living in Chicago. I often find myself wondering what more I have left to do in Chicago, or if it's finally time to wrap things up in Oz and click my heels to head back to Kansas.
In fact, I have such a strong desire to move back to Ohio to be closer to my family that I'm predicting I'll make the move within the year. I've been weighing this decision for several years now, and I finally feel in my heart that it's time. I truly feel as if I came, I saw, and I conquered the big city. There is plenty I'll miss, plenty I won't, but nothing beats the fact that I just want to be with my family.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Tales of an Alpha Female Bad Ass
Fuuuuuucccckkkk yeeeeaaahhh! I 'm an Alpha Female Bad Ass! Wooooo!!!
*Clears throat* Pardon me for completely forgetting who I was for a while. For too long of a while. Life tried to drown me in an icy pool of self-pity this winter, and even though I'd come up for a big gulp of air every once in a while, I would quickly find myself back under water.
Allowing myself to drown in self pity is not me though. I mean, I've gone through enough struggles in my life, but I usually pull myself up and out quickly with graceful determination.
My wonderful Aunt Denise tagged me in an article on Facebook today listing the characteristics of an "Alpha Female Bad Ass." Hell yeah! My whole life I've been an independent, strong-willed fighter, and yet this winter I lost that sense of self.
Well, winter is fucking over. This past month I saddled up my big girl boot straps (errr, however the saying goes) and got to work reigniting my passion for my profession and working hard to stop any "victim mentality" tendencies that threatened to overtake me.
I obtained some new clients at work who are focused and ready to work because they have real goals to reach, and they are counting on me to kick their butts and hold them accountable - a responsibility I do not take lightly. I also worked hard to get a few past clients back into the gym and inspired them to set some real goals for themselves. It motivates me to motivate them, and I am excited to be good and busy again at work.
I also have a new manager at work who is female. Her gender is important to note because I was a bit skeptical prior to meeting her after the worst boss I've ever had in the past was female. But my new manager has squashed all my fears and has brought a new, positive energy to my work environment. In fact, I was a bit taken aback last week when I was reading a fitness article and she just sat down next to me to chat about my experience with the company and my goals for the future. She also asks me for my input and values my opinion. I've never really experienced that before, but it has reminded me that after pushing aside all my insecurities, I can look in the mirror and see a confident woman who takes her profession very seriously.
And just today, another trainer who is new to the business but not much younger than me, came to me with tears in her eyes asking for advice on how to be more organized. I empathized because I know exactly how it feels to be overwhelmed when dealing with a new career, and sharing my experience with her along with what works for me reminded me that I am fully capable of being a leader despite my introverted personality.
During the first few months after moving to Chicago 13 years ago, I was incredibly poor and was having difficulty getting my old life in Ohio transferred to my new life in the big city. I was frustrated beyond belief dealing with real, actual, adult responsibilities for the first time in my life. My Dad, back in Ohio and somewhat unsympathetic to my situation, sent a note containing no more than $2, which he specified was to be put toward an "ice cream cone." I was definitely hoping to see a $50 bill in that note, but instead he wrote, "There will always be some problems, but that's life. Welcome to the real world." He was right. As a result, I did not choose to lay down and die. I worked my ass off to make everything work. Because that is who I am. I am a fighter. I am an ALPHA FEMALE BAD ASS, dammit!
Along with the 2 bucks, which I absolutely put toward an ice cream cone, my Dad also sent this quote which is never far from my mind when I'm struggling with life:
"Attacking is the only secret. Dare, and the world always yields; or, if it beats you down sometimes, dare it again, and it will succumb." - William Makepeace Thackeray
*Clears throat* Pardon me for completely forgetting who I was for a while. For too long of a while. Life tried to drown me in an icy pool of self-pity this winter, and even though I'd come up for a big gulp of air every once in a while, I would quickly find myself back under water.
Allowing myself to drown in self pity is not me though. I mean, I've gone through enough struggles in my life, but I usually pull myself up and out quickly with graceful determination.
My wonderful Aunt Denise tagged me in an article on Facebook today listing the characteristics of an "Alpha Female Bad Ass." Hell yeah! My whole life I've been an independent, strong-willed fighter, and yet this winter I lost that sense of self.
Well, winter is fucking over. This past month I saddled up my big girl boot straps (errr, however the saying goes) and got to work reigniting my passion for my profession and working hard to stop any "victim mentality" tendencies that threatened to overtake me.
I obtained some new clients at work who are focused and ready to work because they have real goals to reach, and they are counting on me to kick their butts and hold them accountable - a responsibility I do not take lightly. I also worked hard to get a few past clients back into the gym and inspired them to set some real goals for themselves. It motivates me to motivate them, and I am excited to be good and busy again at work.
I also have a new manager at work who is female. Her gender is important to note because I was a bit skeptical prior to meeting her after the worst boss I've ever had in the past was female. But my new manager has squashed all my fears and has brought a new, positive energy to my work environment. In fact, I was a bit taken aback last week when I was reading a fitness article and she just sat down next to me to chat about my experience with the company and my goals for the future. She also asks me for my input and values my opinion. I've never really experienced that before, but it has reminded me that after pushing aside all my insecurities, I can look in the mirror and see a confident woman who takes her profession very seriously.
And just today, another trainer who is new to the business but not much younger than me, came to me with tears in her eyes asking for advice on how to be more organized. I empathized because I know exactly how it feels to be overwhelmed when dealing with a new career, and sharing my experience with her along with what works for me reminded me that I am fully capable of being a leader despite my introverted personality.
During the first few months after moving to Chicago 13 years ago, I was incredibly poor and was having difficulty getting my old life in Ohio transferred to my new life in the big city. I was frustrated beyond belief dealing with real, actual, adult responsibilities for the first time in my life. My Dad, back in Ohio and somewhat unsympathetic to my situation, sent a note containing no more than $2, which he specified was to be put toward an "ice cream cone." I was definitely hoping to see a $50 bill in that note, but instead he wrote, "There will always be some problems, but that's life. Welcome to the real world." He was right. As a result, I did not choose to lay down and die. I worked my ass off to make everything work. Because that is who I am. I am a fighter. I am an ALPHA FEMALE BAD ASS, dammit!
Along with the 2 bucks, which I absolutely put toward an ice cream cone, my Dad also sent this quote which is never far from my mind when I'm struggling with life:
"Attacking is the only secret. Dare, and the world always yields; or, if it beats you down sometimes, dare it again, and it will succumb." - William Makepeace Thackeray
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Decidedly Undecided
I hate making decisions. I'm a Libra, so it makes perfect sense that I crave balance and have trouble choosing one thing over another, as I'm constantly weighing the pros and cons of all my choices. Having to make decisions drives me crazy, and I'm never fully convinced I made the right choice anyway, which can be totally depressing.
I realized recently that being a kid means not having to make decisions, yet it still means being able to fully enjoy an ever-changing and evolving life. For instance, as a kid you go from 7th grade to 8th grade, you transition from middle school to high school, you always get a break during summer, you don't have to decide what's for dinner, etc.
But being an adult means constantly seeking the motivation to evolve. Even when you know your current situation is stagnant or unsatisfying and that it's simply time to move on, the mere thought of the process required for change is very daunting when you have no idea what you should do next.
How do we figure out what to do with no instructions laid out before us? How do we know that whatever we choose won't be a total bonehead move loaded with repercussions that will take too long to reverse? We don't know. We'll never know. Because there is no set transition from 30th grade to 31st grade with a customary summer break in between or whatever.
When I was miserable working in Corporate America, every idea I had to change was usually shot down when I began to research my options. For example, more schooling would be too costly, doing such and such would pay too little, etc.
But several years ago I decided to jump ship anyway to become a personal trainer, fully knowing that I would be making less money in my new career. I've managed to survive, but barely.
This time, however, my desire to change warrants more opportunities for me because I am a fitness professional, but I am overwhelmed at the thought of where to begin to make a change. I'd love to be an independent trainer, but I'm worried that my ever-fluctuating self-confidence would get in my way of sustaining a successful business. That, and relying on others for my income is an already scary reality I deal with at my current job in a big box gym where clients are abundant, but not always consistent.
So how do I believe in myself more? How do I develop the perpetual self-confidence it takes to be my own boss? I've always pictured business owners as confident, aggressive, perpetually self-motivated people who don't know the meaning of self-doubt, and I feel as if I am the direct opposite of all those things.
I feel like I have no business running my own business and maybe I should just learn to get comfortable with being told what to do for the rest of my working years. Maybe I need to accept that there will always be someone above me making money off of my efforts while I earn a paltry sum for my hard work.
Cripes. That sounds so fucking miserable.
...Aaaaand I think I found my motivation.
I realized recently that being a kid means not having to make decisions, yet it still means being able to fully enjoy an ever-changing and evolving life. For instance, as a kid you go from 7th grade to 8th grade, you transition from middle school to high school, you always get a break during summer, you don't have to decide what's for dinner, etc.
But being an adult means constantly seeking the motivation to evolve. Even when you know your current situation is stagnant or unsatisfying and that it's simply time to move on, the mere thought of the process required for change is very daunting when you have no idea what you should do next.
How do we figure out what to do with no instructions laid out before us? How do we know that whatever we choose won't be a total bonehead move loaded with repercussions that will take too long to reverse? We don't know. We'll never know. Because there is no set transition from 30th grade to 31st grade with a customary summer break in between or whatever.
When I was miserable working in Corporate America, every idea I had to change was usually shot down when I began to research my options. For example, more schooling would be too costly, doing such and such would pay too little, etc.
But several years ago I decided to jump ship anyway to become a personal trainer, fully knowing that I would be making less money in my new career. I've managed to survive, but barely.
This time, however, my desire to change warrants more opportunities for me because I am a fitness professional, but I am overwhelmed at the thought of where to begin to make a change. I'd love to be an independent trainer, but I'm worried that my ever-fluctuating self-confidence would get in my way of sustaining a successful business. That, and relying on others for my income is an already scary reality I deal with at my current job in a big box gym where clients are abundant, but not always consistent.
So how do I believe in myself more? How do I develop the perpetual self-confidence it takes to be my own boss? I've always pictured business owners as confident, aggressive, perpetually self-motivated people who don't know the meaning of self-doubt, and I feel as if I am the direct opposite of all those things.
I feel like I have no business running my own business and maybe I should just learn to get comfortable with being told what to do for the rest of my working years. Maybe I need to accept that there will always be someone above me making money off of my efforts while I earn a paltry sum for my hard work.
Cripes. That sounds so fucking miserable.
...Aaaaand I think I found my motivation.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Shit Just Got Real
My blog is 5 years old. Holy shit. My blog is 5 years old. I realize I haven't written much in the last 2.5 years, as I've been living a decidedly more private life. I used to broadcast my struggles, doubts, changes, love life, and random observations without a second thought in my blog posts, but I've been through so many ups and downs the past few years that I'm afraid that if I were broadcasting all that was happening with me as it were happening, you might think I'm insane.
And there I go worrying about what others think of me. I'm desperately afraid of judgement. I don't know why I fear opinions of others so much and am seemingly ashamed of my "downs" when I'm perfectly happy with how I'm living my life for the most part. I'm living life. This is what life is about. Ups and downs. Celebrating ups and powering through the downs. No one is meant to be in one state for too long. I realize this. I've accepted this a while ago. It's the same for everyone. So why am I so fearful that I'm so different when I am not?
I think another reason I've chosen to be more private is because although life is a continuous roller coaster, I am generally at peace and I don't want my general inner peace to be overlooked just because I go through rough patches. I am at peace. I don't want to complain. But I suppose there is a difference between simply complaining and discussing my challenges.
While my true authentic self has been revealed more and more during the past few years, the authenticity in my writing content has dwindled. I can't tell you how many "drafts" I've started only to later delete because I don't know how to make them seem less fake and contrived.
Well, brace yourself, because shit is about to get real. I'm about to admit what has been going on with me and tell you exactly how I feel about it. I do care what others think about me even though I wish I didn't. But fuck it. One of my 15 goals for 2015 is to get out of my comfort zone 6 times this year. Spilling my guts, even in blog form, is me jumping way out of my comfort zone.
So, here is what has been happening with me and this is how I feel about it.
***
For one, I'm living on my own again. I've been living in my own place since the middle of November. I haven't told many people about it. I love living on my own even though I can barely afford it. I really love my new place even though I can barely afford it. As if I didn't have to sacrifice enough luxuries when I changed careers, I'v now had to give up hair appointments, wax appointments, eating at restaurants, going to movies, shopping, and any general frivolity other than my daily coffee habit and occasional take out order. So it's a good thing that I really like my new place, for this is where I spend all of my time when I'm not at work.
Although no longer roommates, Fabian is still my best friend in the whole world, and we see each other all the time. In fact, he is the only friend I ever see anymore. I don't know what I'd do without him.
I do not miss having a third roommate. I do not miss music playing when I don't want to hear it. I do not miss messes that were not made by me. I do not miss weird cooking smells. I do not miss obligatory small talk. I do not miss living so effing far from work. (I only shaved about 10 minutes off my commute, but those 10 minutes are essential when I work as early as 6am and as late as 9:30pm.)
I do miss the cheap rent, though. I do miss being with my best friend all the time. I do miss late night PB&J sandwiches and watching Seinfeld and King of Queens before bed. I do miss hugging and kissing someone goodbye in the mornings. I do miss Fabian's Mom's insanely delicious cooking.
But, I'm on my own again which does satisfy my independent spirit. I really do love the apartment I can barely afford.
***
I miss my family. I've been missing them like crazy for nearly two years, and have decided that I will probably, most likely, definitely will, move back to Ohio at some point. As sure as I am about wanting to move back to Ohio, I have a lot of concerns about making it happen.
For instance, will I have to learn to drive all over again? Or is it like riding a bike? How will I afford a car? What kind of job/s should I look for? Is it stupid to even think I could be monetarily successful in Ohio when I'm barely making it in Chicago? Will I get bored with suburban life? When should I move? Do I move in November when my apartment lease is up? Will I be ready by then and by that I mean will I be free of potential regret about my choice? Most importantly, how will I deal with living among all those republicans?! Just kidding. Sort of. Ha.
Another concern of mine is getting too comfortable and content with an average life back in Ohio. Settling down seems so attractive, but I know that something deep inside of me would never be satisfied with simply settling. Not at 36 years old anyway. But I've worked hard for so long on so many things and the end result is never as exciting or as amazing as I imagined. Knowing this, I still can't squelch the voice inside me that pushes me to want to do something more, something better than before.
My motivation for wanting to move back stems entirely from the fact that I want to be with my family though. I've realized in the last few years that most of my favorite memories since I've been an Illinois resident have been when I was either back in Ohio or when my family was visiting me in Chicago. Don't get me wrong, I have had some unforgettably awesome memories with people I've only known since I've lived in Chicago, but the largest quantity of good memories for the last 13 years has been times with my family.
I used to be so proud of my "escape" from Northeastern Ohio, but lately I find myself harboring a deep pride for the place where I was raised. The place where I was happy most of the time. The place that was never against me like I thought. The place where I simply didn't give enough credit where credit was due.
***
Work is a continuous struggle and even though I love my career, there are many drawbacks. I haven't been shy in admitting this particular fact before, but lately I've put up with a lot of shit that makes me wonder if the constant struggle is worth it. I am very passionate about what I do, and I really think that the shit I'm putting up with is just the universe telling me that I need to progress and move on because it is that time. Time to get unstuck.
I love the structure of a corporate gym and that so many potential clients cross my path on a daily basis, but I dislike the fact that I have to work with populations outside of my niche. While this isn't the most terrible thing that can happen to a trainer, it can be frustrating. Don't get me wrong, I have had a lot of success with clients who start from 0 and work their way up, continuously and successfully progressing, but then there are clients who start from 0, or maybe 5 out of 10, and offer so much resistance that my job becomes more difficult than it should be. I don't care if a client complains, it's when they refuse to do the work that pisses me off. On the contrary, a competitive client is no party either. When an ego takes over, results are stifled. This is one rule of fitness that I know to be indisputably true.
The pay at my company is aggressively low, which is discouraging because I dispense 100% of my energy to my clients and while I know they appreciate me, it seems as if the company for which I am making lots and LOTS of money, does not. That is some frustrating shit for this broke ass chick living in an apartment she can barely afford.
Speaking of dispensing all of my energy, I have very little energy to dispense to anyone else -including myself- when I'm not working. This is frustrating because I have so much I want and need to do that my To Do list is 9 miles long. But even when I only work half a day, I'm too wiped out to do anything else. The fact that I work out as hard I as I do is a miracle in and of itself.
So what would be the perfect solution? Well, I would love to see clients from 9 to 2 every day, work out, and then head home with enough energy to do chores and indulge my hobbies. Hahahahaha. Like that would ever be a possibility. As a trainer, we are a slave to our client's schedules. We work when the 9 to 5 peeps do not. We cannot discuss the latest episode of Scandal or whatever because we do not see the latest prime time shows because we are working (not that I could afford cable anyway). We also do not get a full 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night, every night. Our lives are not ruled by routine but rather by constantly shifting schedules, too many clients in a row or in a day, and sometimes too little sessions in a day or a month. Being a personal trainer is not as glamorous as it may seem. We some broke ass peeps, yo! Which is why we work out so much. It's a free activity. And we eat so well because we can't afford to go out to fancy restaurants, or even non-fancy restaurants for that matter.
Even when we are not working we are working. At least I am. I give my clients 24 hour access to my cell so they can ask questions whenever they arise. I love being there for them. I am disappointed when they cancel on me or are not consistent. I don't expect every client to love fitness as much as I do, but if you've investing in me, you should really consider investing in yourself much more than the two hours per week blocked out to see me.
I believe in what I do. I really love what I do. I love working. My God, I love working. But it's time to find a way to make working actually work for me.
***
Friends. Girlfriends, in particular. I used to have some really solid, amazing, fun girlfriends in Chicago. I know they have been mentioned in more than a few blog posts over the last five years.
Ever since I changed careers though, I've been a shitty friend. I'm not totally at fault, but I know I've played a major role in the distance that has been created between us all. I pretty much fell off the face of the earth during that first year of my career change. I was too tired and too broke to do anything with anyone. I wasn't reaching out and I wasn't there when they needed me most. Eventually, the invites from them ceased, and then my friends were no longer there for me. I've seen them sparingly over the past few years, and it's never like what it used to be. Conversations have been very superficial and when they turned a little deeper, the night always ended with me feeling judged and generally "not good enough."
I don't think I've ever really felt "good enough" around them though. I always felt that I was on a lower level than they were regarding education, travel experience, relationship experience, financial status, etc. I always felt like the bottom notch on the totem pole around them. Obviously they never intentionally made me feel this way, as this idea stemmed strictly from my own insecurities. But being away from them for a period of time and then reuniting with them from time to time made me realize that we never had much in common after all. And I really struggled to find common ground with them after my lifestyle had changed so dramatically.
But I miss that female camaraderie. I miss deep discussions about books and general psychology and sociology. I miss sharing glasses of bubbly with them. I miss laughing about the most ridiculous things. I miss the impromptu meet ups on weekends and even dinners on weeknights. We had some fucking awesome times that will always be embedded in my heart. Our trip to Costa Rica in 2010 remains on of my favorite trips off all time, and I still think about it often.
I guess life moves on and friendships shift because people drift. I've changed, and their lives have changed. I just wish I wasn't one of the first to drop out. But maybe it's better that I did so as to avoid feeling abandoned. I don't know. All I do know is that things are different All I can do is accept responsibility my own faults and inadequacies as a friend the past few years and hope that I don't repeat my mistakes in the future.
***
So, yeah, this is my life right now. Ever changing and on the brink of change. I believe all my struggles and doubts only exist to push me forward to where I'm meant to be at any given time. This life isn't easy, but I handle life way better at 36 than I did at 26. Most people dread getting older, but I'm thankful for it. I've made mistakes, I've struggled a lot, but I'm always learning, always growing, always improving myself, and doing so with more confidence and grace with every year that goes by. I'm thankful that while my life situations are constantly up or down, my inner peace stays in tact most of the time.
It's impossible to make sense of how the universe works, but it's very possible and encouraged to embrace how the universe changes us.
And there I go worrying about what others think of me. I'm desperately afraid of judgement. I don't know why I fear opinions of others so much and am seemingly ashamed of my "downs" when I'm perfectly happy with how I'm living my life for the most part. I'm living life. This is what life is about. Ups and downs. Celebrating ups and powering through the downs. No one is meant to be in one state for too long. I realize this. I've accepted this a while ago. It's the same for everyone. So why am I so fearful that I'm so different when I am not?
I think another reason I've chosen to be more private is because although life is a continuous roller coaster, I am generally at peace and I don't want my general inner peace to be overlooked just because I go through rough patches. I am at peace. I don't want to complain. But I suppose there is a difference between simply complaining and discussing my challenges.
While my true authentic self has been revealed more and more during the past few years, the authenticity in my writing content has dwindled. I can't tell you how many "drafts" I've started only to later delete because I don't know how to make them seem less fake and contrived.
Well, brace yourself, because shit is about to get real. I'm about to admit what has been going on with me and tell you exactly how I feel about it. I do care what others think about me even though I wish I didn't. But fuck it. One of my 15 goals for 2015 is to get out of my comfort zone 6 times this year. Spilling my guts, even in blog form, is me jumping way out of my comfort zone.
So, here is what has been happening with me and this is how I feel about it.
***
For one, I'm living on my own again. I've been living in my own place since the middle of November. I haven't told many people about it. I love living on my own even though I can barely afford it. I really love my new place even though I can barely afford it. As if I didn't have to sacrifice enough luxuries when I changed careers, I'v now had to give up hair appointments, wax appointments, eating at restaurants, going to movies, shopping, and any general frivolity other than my daily coffee habit and occasional take out order. So it's a good thing that I really like my new place, for this is where I spend all of my time when I'm not at work.
Although no longer roommates, Fabian is still my best friend in the whole world, and we see each other all the time. In fact, he is the only friend I ever see anymore. I don't know what I'd do without him.
I do not miss having a third roommate. I do not miss music playing when I don't want to hear it. I do not miss messes that were not made by me. I do not miss weird cooking smells. I do not miss obligatory small talk. I do not miss living so effing far from work. (I only shaved about 10 minutes off my commute, but those 10 minutes are essential when I work as early as 6am and as late as 9:30pm.)
I do miss the cheap rent, though. I do miss being with my best friend all the time. I do miss late night PB&J sandwiches and watching Seinfeld and King of Queens before bed. I do miss hugging and kissing someone goodbye in the mornings. I do miss Fabian's Mom's insanely delicious cooking.
But, I'm on my own again which does satisfy my independent spirit. I really do love the apartment I can barely afford.
***
I miss my family. I've been missing them like crazy for nearly two years, and have decided that I will probably, most likely, definitely will, move back to Ohio at some point. As sure as I am about wanting to move back to Ohio, I have a lot of concerns about making it happen.
For instance, will I have to learn to drive all over again? Or is it like riding a bike? How will I afford a car? What kind of job/s should I look for? Is it stupid to even think I could be monetarily successful in Ohio when I'm barely making it in Chicago? Will I get bored with suburban life? When should I move? Do I move in November when my apartment lease is up? Will I be ready by then and by that I mean will I be free of potential regret about my choice? Most importantly, how will I deal with living among all those republicans?! Just kidding. Sort of. Ha.
Another concern of mine is getting too comfortable and content with an average life back in Ohio. Settling down seems so attractive, but I know that something deep inside of me would never be satisfied with simply settling. Not at 36 years old anyway. But I've worked hard for so long on so many things and the end result is never as exciting or as amazing as I imagined. Knowing this, I still can't squelch the voice inside me that pushes me to want to do something more, something better than before.
My motivation for wanting to move back stems entirely from the fact that I want to be with my family though. I've realized in the last few years that most of my favorite memories since I've been an Illinois resident have been when I was either back in Ohio or when my family was visiting me in Chicago. Don't get me wrong, I have had some unforgettably awesome memories with people I've only known since I've lived in Chicago, but the largest quantity of good memories for the last 13 years has been times with my family.
I used to be so proud of my "escape" from Northeastern Ohio, but lately I find myself harboring a deep pride for the place where I was raised. The place where I was happy most of the time. The place that was never against me like I thought. The place where I simply didn't give enough credit where credit was due.
***
Work is a continuous struggle and even though I love my career, there are many drawbacks. I haven't been shy in admitting this particular fact before, but lately I've put up with a lot of shit that makes me wonder if the constant struggle is worth it. I am very passionate about what I do, and I really think that the shit I'm putting up with is just the universe telling me that I need to progress and move on because it is that time. Time to get unstuck.
I love the structure of a corporate gym and that so many potential clients cross my path on a daily basis, but I dislike the fact that I have to work with populations outside of my niche. While this isn't the most terrible thing that can happen to a trainer, it can be frustrating. Don't get me wrong, I have had a lot of success with clients who start from 0 and work their way up, continuously and successfully progressing, but then there are clients who start from 0, or maybe 5 out of 10, and offer so much resistance that my job becomes more difficult than it should be. I don't care if a client complains, it's when they refuse to do the work that pisses me off. On the contrary, a competitive client is no party either. When an ego takes over, results are stifled. This is one rule of fitness that I know to be indisputably true.
The pay at my company is aggressively low, which is discouraging because I dispense 100% of my energy to my clients and while I know they appreciate me, it seems as if the company for which I am making lots and LOTS of money, does not. That is some frustrating shit for this broke ass chick living in an apartment she can barely afford.
Speaking of dispensing all of my energy, I have very little energy to dispense to anyone else -including myself- when I'm not working. This is frustrating because I have so much I want and need to do that my To Do list is 9 miles long. But even when I only work half a day, I'm too wiped out to do anything else. The fact that I work out as hard I as I do is a miracle in and of itself.
So what would be the perfect solution? Well, I would love to see clients from 9 to 2 every day, work out, and then head home with enough energy to do chores and indulge my hobbies. Hahahahaha. Like that would ever be a possibility. As a trainer, we are a slave to our client's schedules. We work when the 9 to 5 peeps do not. We cannot discuss the latest episode of Scandal or whatever because we do not see the latest prime time shows because we are working (not that I could afford cable anyway). We also do not get a full 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night, every night. Our lives are not ruled by routine but rather by constantly shifting schedules, too many clients in a row or in a day, and sometimes too little sessions in a day or a month. Being a personal trainer is not as glamorous as it may seem. We some broke ass peeps, yo! Which is why we work out so much. It's a free activity. And we eat so well because we can't afford to go out to fancy restaurants, or even non-fancy restaurants for that matter.
Even when we are not working we are working. At least I am. I give my clients 24 hour access to my cell so they can ask questions whenever they arise. I love being there for them. I am disappointed when they cancel on me or are not consistent. I don't expect every client to love fitness as much as I do, but if you've investing in me, you should really consider investing in yourself much more than the two hours per week blocked out to see me.
I believe in what I do. I really love what I do. I love working. My God, I love working. But it's time to find a way to make working actually work for me.
***
Friends. Girlfriends, in particular. I used to have some really solid, amazing, fun girlfriends in Chicago. I know they have been mentioned in more than a few blog posts over the last five years.
Ever since I changed careers though, I've been a shitty friend. I'm not totally at fault, but I know I've played a major role in the distance that has been created between us all. I pretty much fell off the face of the earth during that first year of my career change. I was too tired and too broke to do anything with anyone. I wasn't reaching out and I wasn't there when they needed me most. Eventually, the invites from them ceased, and then my friends were no longer there for me. I've seen them sparingly over the past few years, and it's never like what it used to be. Conversations have been very superficial and when they turned a little deeper, the night always ended with me feeling judged and generally "not good enough."
I don't think I've ever really felt "good enough" around them though. I always felt that I was on a lower level than they were regarding education, travel experience, relationship experience, financial status, etc. I always felt like the bottom notch on the totem pole around them. Obviously they never intentionally made me feel this way, as this idea stemmed strictly from my own insecurities. But being away from them for a period of time and then reuniting with them from time to time made me realize that we never had much in common after all. And I really struggled to find common ground with them after my lifestyle had changed so dramatically.
But I miss that female camaraderie. I miss deep discussions about books and general psychology and sociology. I miss sharing glasses of bubbly with them. I miss laughing about the most ridiculous things. I miss the impromptu meet ups on weekends and even dinners on weeknights. We had some fucking awesome times that will always be embedded in my heart. Our trip to Costa Rica in 2010 remains on of my favorite trips off all time, and I still think about it often.
I guess life moves on and friendships shift because people drift. I've changed, and their lives have changed. I just wish I wasn't one of the first to drop out. But maybe it's better that I did so as to avoid feeling abandoned. I don't know. All I do know is that things are different All I can do is accept responsibility my own faults and inadequacies as a friend the past few years and hope that I don't repeat my mistakes in the future.
***
So, yeah, this is my life right now. Ever changing and on the brink of change. I believe all my struggles and doubts only exist to push me forward to where I'm meant to be at any given time. This life isn't easy, but I handle life way better at 36 than I did at 26. Most people dread getting older, but I'm thankful for it. I've made mistakes, I've struggled a lot, but I'm always learning, always growing, always improving myself, and doing so with more confidence and grace with every year that goes by. I'm thankful that while my life situations are constantly up or down, my inner peace stays in tact most of the time.
It's impossible to make sense of how the universe works, but it's very possible and encouraged to embrace how the universe changes us.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Dear Chicago
Dear Chicago,
I never told you the story of how I learned of your existence, but after twelve and a half years of our relationship together, it's probably time to share. You see, during my sophomore year in college in Canton, Ohio, my three roommates and I were trying to come up with a road trip destination. One of my roommates suggested visiting the city of Chicago. Not even knowing where you fell on the map of the United States, I responded with, "Chicago? Isn't it cold there?" The only other fact I knew about Chicago was that The Oprah Winfrey Show was taped there. We ended up road-tripping to the great state of Pennsylvania that year.
Then, during my senior year of college, my brother's girlfriend's brother moved to Chicago. So, my brother, his girlfriend, and I decided to head to Chicago to visit him during New Year's Eve of 2001. As I suspected, I learned just how cold you are upon my arrival. That being a time in my life when I refused to wear a coat during a night out on the town, I have no idea (except maybe that my brain froze) how I decided that I wanted to move to your chilly wilderness of a city. But, something attracted me. I couldn't pinpoint the attraction at the time, but I felt strongly in my heart that Chicago was where I needed to live.
I moved over 12 years ago and we still find ourselves in a steady relationship. Not married, not divorced, but a steady relationship that has endured plenty of ups and downs. Over the years you have become more than just a city in my eyes. You are a force of nature that has beaten me to within an inch of my life at times, yet at other times you've pushed me hard to want to be a better me.
Enough time has passed that the initial infatuation has worn off though, and I've been seeing the real you for a few years now. When your Spanx are removed and your make-up is washed off, Chicago, you are not all that pretty. I have to admit that when I'm staring down the real you, I often wonder if the appeal is even still there. Although I've been dealing with your flaws for some time now, I'm slowly learning to forgive them.
But you can be SUCH an asshole, sometimes, Chicago. For one, your weather totally blows. How is it that you are always, ALWAYS windy?! Even on seemingly beautiful spring days, you annoy the fuck out of me, you breezy bastard. And suuuureee, public transportation always SEEMS like the best option, but it's slow as fuck. How is it that it takes me one hour to get from my home to work when I take the train, but it takes a mere 20 minutes when I hail an expensive ass cab? Real efficient, jerk. And don't get me started on the smelly train cars. And checking the seat for foreign substances prior to sitting my tush down has become second nature. So gross.
BUT, there is always surprise around every corner, and maybe that's how and why I stay interested. You always keep me on my toes, Chicago. I've lived in three neighborhoods since I moved here 12 years ago, and I've explored countless others. Wandering aimlessly through your captivating corridors fills me with joy. It's one of the few times I don't think about looking at my phone. It's when I get inspired to write, to do more, to be more. Just looking at your various buildings and dreaming of the history they possess causes my mind to drift for hours on end imagining what it might have been like to walk the streets and inhabit those buildings in the 30's, 60's, etc.
You fill me with wonder and dreams, Chicago. You are never boring, and therefore my life is never boring. We've toughed out the hard times together and we've more than appropriately celebrated the good times. As much as I felt you were throwing rocks at me during certain times in my life, there were plenty of other times where you were my rock to lean on and support me. My feelings for you will always be mixed, but isn't variety the spice of life? Regardless, my time with you has been a positive experience, even when many situations didn't seem so positive when I was experiencing them. I know I definitely wouldn't be the person I am today if you weren't the backdrop for my life, Chicago.
The only reason I've ever felt stuck or trapped in a life situation is because you continuously show me that there is more out there. More for me to do, to see, to be. If I had continued living in a small town, I wouldn't know anything bigger than the existence I had always known since I was born. But even though living in a big city makes me feel small, it constantly reminds me that there is always plenty of room to grow.
I'm not sure how much time left we'll have together, Chicago. Life can take me elsewhere or I'll decide that you may not be the right fit for me anymore. But until then, cheers to our adventures together!
Love,
Stephanie
I never told you the story of how I learned of your existence, but after twelve and a half years of our relationship together, it's probably time to share. You see, during my sophomore year in college in Canton, Ohio, my three roommates and I were trying to come up with a road trip destination. One of my roommates suggested visiting the city of Chicago. Not even knowing where you fell on the map of the United States, I responded with, "Chicago? Isn't it cold there?" The only other fact I knew about Chicago was that The Oprah Winfrey Show was taped there. We ended up road-tripping to the great state of Pennsylvania that year.
Then, during my senior year of college, my brother's girlfriend's brother moved to Chicago. So, my brother, his girlfriend, and I decided to head to Chicago to visit him during New Year's Eve of 2001. As I suspected, I learned just how cold you are upon my arrival. That being a time in my life when I refused to wear a coat during a night out on the town, I have no idea (except maybe that my brain froze) how I decided that I wanted to move to your chilly wilderness of a city. But, something attracted me. I couldn't pinpoint the attraction at the time, but I felt strongly in my heart that Chicago was where I needed to live.
I moved over 12 years ago and we still find ourselves in a steady relationship. Not married, not divorced, but a steady relationship that has endured plenty of ups and downs. Over the years you have become more than just a city in my eyes. You are a force of nature that has beaten me to within an inch of my life at times, yet at other times you've pushed me hard to want to be a better me.
Enough time has passed that the initial infatuation has worn off though, and I've been seeing the real you for a few years now. When your Spanx are removed and your make-up is washed off, Chicago, you are not all that pretty. I have to admit that when I'm staring down the real you, I often wonder if the appeal is even still there. Although I've been dealing with your flaws for some time now, I'm slowly learning to forgive them.
But you can be SUCH an asshole, sometimes, Chicago. For one, your weather totally blows. How is it that you are always, ALWAYS windy?! Even on seemingly beautiful spring days, you annoy the fuck out of me, you breezy bastard. And suuuureee, public transportation always SEEMS like the best option, but it's slow as fuck. How is it that it takes me one hour to get from my home to work when I take the train, but it takes a mere 20 minutes when I hail an expensive ass cab? Real efficient, jerk. And don't get me started on the smelly train cars. And checking the seat for foreign substances prior to sitting my tush down has become second nature. So gross.
BUT, there is always surprise around every corner, and maybe that's how and why I stay interested. You always keep me on my toes, Chicago. I've lived in three neighborhoods since I moved here 12 years ago, and I've explored countless others. Wandering aimlessly through your captivating corridors fills me with joy. It's one of the few times I don't think about looking at my phone. It's when I get inspired to write, to do more, to be more. Just looking at your various buildings and dreaming of the history they possess causes my mind to drift for hours on end imagining what it might have been like to walk the streets and inhabit those buildings in the 30's, 60's, etc.
You fill me with wonder and dreams, Chicago. You are never boring, and therefore my life is never boring. We've toughed out the hard times together and we've more than appropriately celebrated the good times. As much as I felt you were throwing rocks at me during certain times in my life, there were plenty of other times where you were my rock to lean on and support me. My feelings for you will always be mixed, but isn't variety the spice of life? Regardless, my time with you has been a positive experience, even when many situations didn't seem so positive when I was experiencing them. I know I definitely wouldn't be the person I am today if you weren't the backdrop for my life, Chicago.
The only reason I've ever felt stuck or trapped in a life situation is because you continuously show me that there is more out there. More for me to do, to see, to be. If I had continued living in a small town, I wouldn't know anything bigger than the existence I had always known since I was born. But even though living in a big city makes me feel small, it constantly reminds me that there is always plenty of room to grow.
I'm not sure how much time left we'll have together, Chicago. Life can take me elsewhere or I'll decide that you may not be the right fit for me anymore. But until then, cheers to our adventures together!
Love,
Stephanie
Monday, June 25, 2012
The Grit and The Glamour
Do you ever tend to view your home differently when you're preparing for company? I mean, do you ever try to view your space through someone else's eyes and ask yourself how they would see things differently? What would they notice that you wouldn't normally make a conscious effort to see? Should you change something? Do you find that your space is a true reflection of who you are, and then do you appreciate it more?
Like my home, I have a tendency to view my city differently each and every time I witness one of those double decker bus tours, or trolley tours, or walking tours taking place. I kind of snicker at all the craned necks and constant camera flashes, even though I'm still totally guilty of doing the same thing after living here for ten years. But I always wonder what those tourists think about what they are seeing. Are they shocked by how many people are walking around at any given time of day? Are they surprised by how many races and languages they encounter? Are they simply in awe of the massive concrete jungle? Do they honestly think the "bean" in Millennium Park is one of the coolest things they've ever seen?
I often reflect upon the fact that the tourists left their homes in Wherever, USA to visit the city in which I am lucky enough and grateful to live. I may not have been born and raised here, but I'm filled to the brim with Chicago pride.
The city can be harsh, and it isn't always kind, but I have found that kindness emerges from the most unexpected places. The city certainly isn't for the faint of heart (or the extreme right-winged republican, for that matter), but it IS most certainly for me. I embrace the grit just as much as the glamour, and, like kindness, I often find that beauty emerges from the most unexpected places.
Below is a verrrry small representation of the way Chicago is viewed through my own eyes:
Like my home, I have a tendency to view my city differently each and every time I witness one of those double decker bus tours, or trolley tours, or walking tours taking place. I kind of snicker at all the craned necks and constant camera flashes, even though I'm still totally guilty of doing the same thing after living here for ten years. But I always wonder what those tourists think about what they are seeing. Are they shocked by how many people are walking around at any given time of day? Are they surprised by how many races and languages they encounter? Are they simply in awe of the massive concrete jungle? Do they honestly think the "bean" in Millennium Park is one of the coolest things they've ever seen?
I often reflect upon the fact that the tourists left their homes in Wherever, USA to visit the city in which I am lucky enough and grateful to live. I may not have been born and raised here, but I'm filled to the brim with Chicago pride.
The city can be harsh, and it isn't always kind, but I have found that kindness emerges from the most unexpected places. The city certainly isn't for the faint of heart (or the extreme right-winged republican, for that matter), but it IS most certainly for me. I embrace the grit just as much as the glamour, and, like kindness, I often find that beauty emerges from the most unexpected places.
Below is a verrrry small representation of the way Chicago is viewed through my own eyes:
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| Tulips on State Street - always an official sign of spring. |
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| Lake Michigan rocks |
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| Good ol' Wrigley Field scoreboard |
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| I love my diverse neighborhood, and I love that I can get frutas con lima, sal, y pimiento en la playa. |
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| View from my office. |
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| Waiting for the train |
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| The Magnificent Mile Festival of Lights Parade |
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| State Street around Christmas time |
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| Ice skating in Millennium Park |
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| Beautiful February day |
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| My favorite alley |
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| More Lake Michigan rocks near my apartment |
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| Shamrock Shuffle in Grant Park |
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| I wander the city A LOT, and sometimes, I just stumble upon the inexplicable! |
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| View from the Sears - ok, "Willis"- Tower |
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| Cinco de Mayo Festival in the Little Village neighborhood |
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| Osterman Beach in the Edgewater neighborhood |
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| Garden path in Millennium Park |
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| Heavy Metal in Millennium Park |
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| Walking to the train from the gym in the West Loop. |
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| That shiny silver sliver in the middle is my office building. |
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
10 Year Chicagoversary
In honor of my looming 10 Year Anniversary of living in Chicago, I'm enlisting the help of a guest blogger: Myself! 10 years ago!
Here are some excerpts from my journal entries recorded by 23-year-old Steph during the first few months of life in the Big City. Re-reading these after so many years has reminded me (perhaps now more than ever) that maintaining faith and "pushing through" despite fear and self-doubt are crucial for acheiving your biggest goals. Enjoy.
Oh wait! First, some background information: Immediately upon visiting Chicago for the first time for New Year's Eve 2001, I was smitten with the city. Even though I had always planned to move to NYC after college graduation, I knew after just one visit that Chicago was where I belonged. So, after graduation, I moved back in with my parents and got a job at a car dealership, a bar, and a tanning salon that doubled as a laundromat (that place was exactly as weird as it sounds. Ohio thing, I guess). Anyway, I told myself that I had one year to work as hard as I could to save as much money as I could so I could move to Chicago. And in exactly one year (to the day!) from starting my job at the dealership, I quit all my jobs. So one morning in May of 2002 my Dad drove me, my clothes, and an air mattress to Chicago. He literally dropped me off, and headed right back home to Ohio. My nephew's uncle, Jason, was living in Chicago at the time and graciously offered for me to temporarily crash at the apartment where he and his two roommates lived.
Thursday, May 30, 2002
Subject: What the Hell Am I Doing?
Well, I am in Chicago. I did it. I made it. So why do I feel so lousy???
Well, the fact is, I may not be here for long if I don't find a job. I had a terrible experience my first full day in the city. I went to a job interview that turned out to be one big disaster. It was definitely a "heads up" though. A total reality check. It turned out to be some employment agency that lures people in by making them think they are applying for some glamorous job. I was ready, willing, and confident to put on a great show, but I didn't have to. Instead, I was made to take spelling and typing tests to prove my worth. Turned out, according to those tests, I'm not worth much. But for reasons beyond me, the woman thought if I took all those tests over, then I would have what it takes to be a paralegal. A what?!?! Excuse me? Where did that come from??? After only knowing me for 15 minutes, she "knew" that was my destiny. I felt so pressured, so forced, so "I want to be anywhere but here." I know it was simply her job to fill a position, but at the expense of my misery? After over 2 hours of agony and rapidly plummeting confidence, I bolted.
Two more lessons I've learned since I got here.... okay three: Never buy bottled water and diet coke on the same day when walking to the grocery store. Never buy shoes and walk many miles in them the first day they are purchased. And finally, if I go out to eat by myself, always bring reading material.
These are some things that no one has taught me so far. I guess trial and error is the best and only way to really learn the city. Tomorrow's big adventure is the subway on my own. EEEEEEEEEK!!!!!
I don't believe I have ever been homesick like this before. I really miss my family and all of the comforts of home. I really miss my brother. I can't even call my family without getting all choked up. Right now, I could say that I want to go home. I want to get the hell out of this foreign city and just go home. Home. Where I am comfortable. Where I am loved. Where I speak more than once a day. I am so lonely! In a city filled with millions of interesting people, I am so alone. So isolated. And I have no money!!!! What was I thinking? What am I doing? I don't belong here!
Okay, calm down. I am in a brand new fucking city. Of course I don't feel like I fit in. I just need to give it a chance. I have never been so scared. But I just need to give it a chance. I know I will love it once I get used to things. I need to be more positive and quit being so intimidated. I already feel like everyone else is better than I am. I feel as if I am in high school all over again.
I'll get over it. Things will get better. I will be okay. I have to be. I want to be.
Sunday, June 30, 2002
Subject: It's Wanting What You've Got
Well it has been exactly one month since I last wrote and so much has changed. I really love Chicago. I am so much more comfortable with the area and the way things work around here. I still do not have a job though, which has been a pain in the ass. I also am still staying at Jason's house, where I have completely invaded his space. Totally took over his bedroom. I met a friend named Chloe. She is the coolest! I have had so much fun getting to know her and I am convinced I'd be lost without her. I have also been spending time with Maia and Leah. Super fun girls. Super glad I have them as well. I have already had some pretty crazy evenings since I have been in Chicago. I needed all that. No regrets. I miss home. I miss it a lot. But all I have to do is remember why I left, and then I am proud to be in the city. This place is great. So much to do. But if I don't find a job soon (I think I am close), then I am outta here. I am running out of money so quickly. I am temping right now, but it isn't exactly raking in the dough. I am so longing for a place of my own. I need my privacy. I really do. All I have wanted my whole life was my very own apartment. My very own. Well, hopefully next time I write, I will be employed. And then the time after that, I will have signed a lease to my very own studio!!!! Well, Chloe and I are going to do laundry right now so I better go. I really wish I had been documenting my time all along, but I am glad I had these few minutes to catch up.
Monday, July 8, 2002
Subject: None
I went to church today. Just something I really felt the need to do. In a desperate search for some spiritual guidance, I ignored my need to sleep in this morning and went to visit God.
The message wasn't as enlightening as I had hoped, but it did help some. I am not really sure what message I was seeking. I guess I was really looking for God to tell me what the next step is. I am so confused. Moving to Chicago has without a doubt been the hardest and most confusing time in my life. I honestly never know how I am going to live one day to the next. I am so anxious and unsettled. Depressed, depressed, soooo damn depressed. I just want to know that everything will be okay, that everything IS okay. I guess I can just pray and pray and pray. And actively engage myself as much as possible.
I am really hoping that the next time I journal, I will have so much positive energy to share.
Thursday, July 9, 2002
Subject: I Want to Soak Up the Sun
Okay, so I am writing again - but without any "I got a job" news. How come it used to be so easy??? Ugh!!! So discouraged. Wouldn't be so discouraging if I weren't on a freaking time limit... or broke. Seriously broke. Getting verrrrrrry desperate!!! Will sell my body. Okay, yea right. But I'm not beyond that. Ugh!
Had a wonderful experience with God today. Realized he was speaking, I just wasn't listening. Very enlightening day with God. Thank You.
Tuesday, July 16, 2002
Subject: I'll Be There...
I am soooooooooo running up the bill on Jason's Kinko's card right now. Oh well, he offered. How terrible!
Anyway, I have an interview tomorrow. I am trying not to tell too many people because I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them shot down. :( That has happened way too much already. I want to believe that my whole life does not depend on tomorrow's interview, but in a way, it does. It is the ONLY thing I really have in the works right now although I have been faxing resumes like crazy. $60 worth just today, in fact. I REALLY cannot afford to do that anymore.
So Chloe is the best. I am so glad I met her. She is so what Janet was to me my freshman year of college. As much as I think I am independent, I really need a supportive girl friend behind me. Not only does she help me, but it feels good for me to help her. Just today Chloe reflected on a bit of "wisdom" I offered earlier this week and I was proud that I was able to make her "think." Feels good.
I'm also having a really good time with the guys in the house. I am really beginning to let my guard down (finally after 2 months!!) and it feels so liberating. I am letting my humorous side slip out without reservation. They are finally beginning to see ME! ..... still adamant about living on my own though :)
Anyway, I should head back, it's getting dark. I really hope I get this job tomorrow. I love Chicago. This is my dream. And even though the position is for reception, I could never really hate it. No way will I EVER take another job for granted after going through this trying experience!!!! What a lesson. There is always a lesson. That is life.... and I won't complain :) :) :)
Thursday, July 18, 2002
Subject: Big Dreams Just Need Big Hearts
Well, this is the journal entry I have been waiting to write for a very long time. I GOT A JOB!!!! I am not sure if I could be any happier. I have been beaming all morning long. All of the hard work, all of the lessons - it has all been worth it. I really had to learn a lot before I was just handed my dream. I am so glad I did. God has everybody learn in their own way, and God taught me the way I needed to be taught. These past two months have been the hardest months of my life, but I would not trade the learning experience for anything. It was just the kick in the pants I needed.
I am still having trouble believing all of this is real. It just seems so fabulous to me right now. I am so happy!
I think the biggest lesson I have learned is that, "with God, all things are possible." I would never be where I am right now if I didn't look to God for strength. God taught me that I had to believe in myself first and foremost. I finally get it!
I am so about learning. Never stop learning. I may have overcome one huge obstacle, but I will never stop pursuing and dreaming. And I sure will be happy doing so. I am sincerely proud of myself. I am really, truly proud of myself. I did it! I made it! I love the world...
A million Thank Yous...........
Here are some excerpts from my journal entries recorded by 23-year-old Steph during the first few months of life in the Big City. Re-reading these after so many years has reminded me (perhaps now more than ever) that maintaining faith and "pushing through" despite fear and self-doubt are crucial for acheiving your biggest goals. Enjoy.
Oh wait! First, some background information: Immediately upon visiting Chicago for the first time for New Year's Eve 2001, I was smitten with the city. Even though I had always planned to move to NYC after college graduation, I knew after just one visit that Chicago was where I belonged. So, after graduation, I moved back in with my parents and got a job at a car dealership, a bar, and a tanning salon that doubled as a laundromat (that place was exactly as weird as it sounds. Ohio thing, I guess). Anyway, I told myself that I had one year to work as hard as I could to save as much money as I could so I could move to Chicago. And in exactly one year (to the day!) from starting my job at the dealership, I quit all my jobs. So one morning in May of 2002 my Dad drove me, my clothes, and an air mattress to Chicago. He literally dropped me off, and headed right back home to Ohio. My nephew's uncle, Jason, was living in Chicago at the time and graciously offered for me to temporarily crash at the apartment where he and his two roommates lived.
Thursday, May 30, 2002
Subject: What the Hell Am I Doing?
Well, I am in Chicago. I did it. I made it. So why do I feel so lousy???
Well, the fact is, I may not be here for long if I don't find a job. I had a terrible experience my first full day in the city. I went to a job interview that turned out to be one big disaster. It was definitely a "heads up" though. A total reality check. It turned out to be some employment agency that lures people in by making them think they are applying for some glamorous job. I was ready, willing, and confident to put on a great show, but I didn't have to. Instead, I was made to take spelling and typing tests to prove my worth. Turned out, according to those tests, I'm not worth much. But for reasons beyond me, the woman thought if I took all those tests over, then I would have what it takes to be a paralegal. A what?!?! Excuse me? Where did that come from??? After only knowing me for 15 minutes, she "knew" that was my destiny. I felt so pressured, so forced, so "I want to be anywhere but here." I know it was simply her job to fill a position, but at the expense of my misery? After over 2 hours of agony and rapidly plummeting confidence, I bolted.
Two more lessons I've learned since I got here.... okay three: Never buy bottled water and diet coke on the same day when walking to the grocery store. Never buy shoes and walk many miles in them the first day they are purchased. And finally, if I go out to eat by myself, always bring reading material.
These are some things that no one has taught me so far. I guess trial and error is the best and only way to really learn the city. Tomorrow's big adventure is the subway on my own. EEEEEEEEEK!!!!!
I don't believe I have ever been homesick like this before. I really miss my family and all of the comforts of home. I really miss my brother. I can't even call my family without getting all choked up. Right now, I could say that I want to go home. I want to get the hell out of this foreign city and just go home. Home. Where I am comfortable. Where I am loved. Where I speak more than once a day. I am so lonely! In a city filled with millions of interesting people, I am so alone. So isolated. And I have no money!!!! What was I thinking? What am I doing? I don't belong here!
Okay, calm down. I am in a brand new fucking city. Of course I don't feel like I fit in. I just need to give it a chance. I have never been so scared. But I just need to give it a chance. I know I will love it once I get used to things. I need to be more positive and quit being so intimidated. I already feel like everyone else is better than I am. I feel as if I am in high school all over again.
I'll get over it. Things will get better. I will be okay. I have to be. I want to be.
Sunday, June 30, 2002
Subject: It's Wanting What You've Got
Well it has been exactly one month since I last wrote and so much has changed. I really love Chicago. I am so much more comfortable with the area and the way things work around here. I still do not have a job though, which has been a pain in the ass. I also am still staying at Jason's house, where I have completely invaded his space. Totally took over his bedroom. I met a friend named Chloe. She is the coolest! I have had so much fun getting to know her and I am convinced I'd be lost without her. I have also been spending time with Maia and Leah. Super fun girls. Super glad I have them as well. I have already had some pretty crazy evenings since I have been in Chicago. I needed all that. No regrets. I miss home. I miss it a lot. But all I have to do is remember why I left, and then I am proud to be in the city. This place is great. So much to do. But if I don't find a job soon (I think I am close), then I am outta here. I am running out of money so quickly. I am temping right now, but it isn't exactly raking in the dough. I am so longing for a place of my own. I need my privacy. I really do. All I have wanted my whole life was my very own apartment. My very own. Well, hopefully next time I write, I will be employed. And then the time after that, I will have signed a lease to my very own studio!!!! Well, Chloe and I are going to do laundry right now so I better go. I really wish I had been documenting my time all along, but I am glad I had these few minutes to catch up.
Monday, July 8, 2002
Subject: None
I went to church today. Just something I really felt the need to do. In a desperate search for some spiritual guidance, I ignored my need to sleep in this morning and went to visit God.
The message wasn't as enlightening as I had hoped, but it did help some. I am not really sure what message I was seeking. I guess I was really looking for God to tell me what the next step is. I am so confused. Moving to Chicago has without a doubt been the hardest and most confusing time in my life. I honestly never know how I am going to live one day to the next. I am so anxious and unsettled. Depressed, depressed, soooo damn depressed. I just want to know that everything will be okay, that everything IS okay. I guess I can just pray and pray and pray. And actively engage myself as much as possible.
I am really hoping that the next time I journal, I will have so much positive energy to share.
Thursday, July 9, 2002
Subject: I Want to Soak Up the Sun
Okay, so I am writing again - but without any "I got a job" news. How come it used to be so easy??? Ugh!!! So discouraged. Wouldn't be so discouraging if I weren't on a freaking time limit... or broke. Seriously broke. Getting verrrrrrry desperate!!! Will sell my body. Okay, yea right. But I'm not beyond that. Ugh!
Had a wonderful experience with God today. Realized he was speaking, I just wasn't listening. Very enlightening day with God. Thank You.
Tuesday, July 16, 2002
Subject: I'll Be There...
I am soooooooooo running up the bill on Jason's Kinko's card right now. Oh well, he offered. How terrible!
Anyway, I have an interview tomorrow. I am trying not to tell too many people because I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them shot down. :( That has happened way too much already. I want to believe that my whole life does not depend on tomorrow's interview, but in a way, it does. It is the ONLY thing I really have in the works right now although I have been faxing resumes like crazy. $60 worth just today, in fact. I REALLY cannot afford to do that anymore.
So Chloe is the best. I am so glad I met her. She is so what Janet was to me my freshman year of college. As much as I think I am independent, I really need a supportive girl friend behind me. Not only does she help me, but it feels good for me to help her. Just today Chloe reflected on a bit of "wisdom" I offered earlier this week and I was proud that I was able to make her "think." Feels good.
I'm also having a really good time with the guys in the house. I am really beginning to let my guard down (finally after 2 months!!) and it feels so liberating. I am letting my humorous side slip out without reservation. They are finally beginning to see ME! ..... still adamant about living on my own though :)
Anyway, I should head back, it's getting dark. I really hope I get this job tomorrow. I love Chicago. This is my dream. And even though the position is for reception, I could never really hate it. No way will I EVER take another job for granted after going through this trying experience!!!! What a lesson. There is always a lesson. That is life.... and I won't complain :) :) :)
Thursday, July 18, 2002
Subject: Big Dreams Just Need Big Hearts
Well, this is the journal entry I have been waiting to write for a very long time. I GOT A JOB!!!! I am not sure if I could be any happier. I have been beaming all morning long. All of the hard work, all of the lessons - it has all been worth it. I really had to learn a lot before I was just handed my dream. I am so glad I did. God has everybody learn in their own way, and God taught me the way I needed to be taught. These past two months have been the hardest months of my life, but I would not trade the learning experience for anything. It was just the kick in the pants I needed.
I am still having trouble believing all of this is real. It just seems so fabulous to me right now. I am so happy!
I think the biggest lesson I have learned is that, "with God, all things are possible." I would never be where I am right now if I didn't look to God for strength. God taught me that I had to believe in myself first and foremost. I finally get it!
I am so about learning. Never stop learning. I may have overcome one huge obstacle, but I will never stop pursuing and dreaming. And I sure will be happy doing so. I am sincerely proud of myself. I am really, truly proud of myself. I did it! I made it! I love the world...
A million Thank Yous...........
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
The Light Inside the Tunnel
Reason #456,897 why I love my city:
This trio is my favorite of the "regular" subway performers I see every week. They usually sing old school songs like "Mamma Said" and "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" with impeccable harmony and unique arrangements, but they busted out their own special rendition of "The Wheels on the Bus" for this little guy, who was smiling and dancing the whole time. Witnessing this moment just made me so happy. I didn't even care that I had to let two overcrowded trains come and go by before I could get on one.
I love that Chicago has the ability to ignite joy within an otherwise ordinary, unremarkable, average Tuesday.
This trio is my favorite of the "regular" subway performers I see every week. They usually sing old school songs like "Mamma Said" and "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" with impeccable harmony and unique arrangements, but they busted out their own special rendition of "The Wheels on the Bus" for this little guy, who was smiling and dancing the whole time. Witnessing this moment just made me so happy. I didn't even care that I had to let two overcrowded trains come and go by before I could get on one.
I love that Chicago has the ability to ignite joy within an otherwise ordinary, unremarkable, average Tuesday.
Friday, September 24, 2010
'Uptown Girl' Update
I couldn't resist labeling myself 'Uptown Girl,' since my friend Megan used it as the subject line in a recent email to me. It's fitting not only because I just moved to the Uptown neighborhood of Chicago, but also because Uptown Girl was my absolute favorite song as a kid. I mean, what adolescent girlie girl didn't want to be Christie Brinkley in that video?!?!
Anyway, after exactly a month, I am finally settled into my new home. The increase in square footage makes such a huge difference compared to my former matchbox-sized apartment in Lincoln Park. Another sharp contrast? My past and present neighborhood! Uptown is definitely more "gritty" than Lincoln Park, but I actually love the very urban setting. I use the term "gritty" because Uptown isn't as meticulously manicured as Lincoln Park, nor is it all that safe to go trolling around late at night. But, my Uptown neighbors are friendly and say Hello (or, in many cases, "Hola"), whereas the snotty affluence of Lincoln Park meant that neighbors didn't so much as make eye contact. Don't get me wrong, I loved Lincoln Park during the 8 years I resided there, but the sense of community was severely lacking. I'm guessing that was due to the population mostly consisting of a disagreeable contrast between conservative yuppies and party-centric twenty-somethings. Uptown, however, is incredibly diverse. Broad ranges of racial & economic diversity, a variance of ages and sexual orientations all play roles in coloring in my vibrant neighborhood. Uptown also seems to embrace all varieties of crazy, an aspect which causes me to entertain the thought of putting off cable installation indefinitely. Also, even though I'm further north from downtown now, Uptown feels more "city-ish" to me. In fact, my friend Sara perfectly described it as "Sesame Street, 227 and The Wire" all in one!
In addition to recently moving, I've also been spending time with my "mentee," which has been such an incredible experience so far, and we've only had two outings. (Side note - In order to maintain confidentiality, I won't use her name when I write about her in this public setting.) She is 11 years old and very bright and sweet. I'm already taken with her desire to learn so much about the world around her, and I aim to exceed her expectations as a mentor through encouraging her to never lose that eager and positive mentality. At such a young age, she has overcome so much hardship in her life, yet she still remains a very enthusiastic girl - an attribute I find infinitely inspiring. I don't always have the best luck, but I sincerely feel as though I hit the jackpot in getting matched with my particular "mentee." I cannot wait to
see what future adventures are in store for us!
Another update to report: After many months of anticipation, the AUSL teaching applications are FINALLY available! They came out on Thursday, but because I don't want to be hasty, I'm going to find some quiet time tonight to fill it out. I've been preparing for this opportunity for many months, and because I only get one shot, I want to be extremely careful with what I choose to fill into those blanks. All of my supporting docs are ready to go though, so I will be officially "applied" by Monday of next week. Wish me luck!!
And finally, with regards to my New Year's goals, I'm down to having just one more book to read, and running 4 races, all for which I'm registered. The class I ended up taking that I can cross off my list was a canning class from The Glass Rooster. My friend, Jennie, who perpetually keeps an eye out for all activities unique and entertaining, stumbled upon an article about canning classes from The Glass Rooster, and so we immediately signed up. Oh - canning qualifies as an entertaining activity, you ask? Well, to be honest, my friends and I could watch paint dry and somehow find ourselves in a fit of giggles, so yes, canning was, in fact, entertaining. And now I have tomatoes coming out the wazoo! During the class, the canning instructor shared some really interesting stories about her life on a farm growing up, along with her transition to city life, including exhausting every effort to preserve the importance of obtaining real food. Additionally, the whole canning process reminded me so much of my Grandma Elsie, who was a canner extraordinaire. It continues to shock me that the art of canning has completely skipped a generation or two. How on earth did that happen? Oh yeah, money-hungry corporate America got involved, blindsiding us by sneaking cheaply produced, overly processed foods that have unidentifiable origins into our grocery stores. Ok, I won't get off on a tangent, but I guarantee that watching Food Inc. will make you just as bitter about our food industry...
So that is all for now! Phew! A lot sure has happened in the past month or so. It has been such a busy year overall though, and I can hardly believe that we are almost at the end of the 9th month of 2010!
Anyway, after exactly a month, I am finally settled into my new home. The increase in square footage makes such a huge difference compared to my former matchbox-sized apartment in Lincoln Park. Another sharp contrast? My past and present neighborhood! Uptown is definitely more "gritty" than Lincoln Park, but I actually love the very urban setting. I use the term "gritty" because Uptown isn't as meticulously manicured as Lincoln Park, nor is it all that safe to go trolling around late at night. But, my Uptown neighbors are friendly and say Hello (or, in many cases, "Hola"), whereas the snotty affluence of Lincoln Park meant that neighbors didn't so much as make eye contact. Don't get me wrong, I loved Lincoln Park during the 8 years I resided there, but the sense of community was severely lacking. I'm guessing that was due to the population mostly consisting of a disagreeable contrast between conservative yuppies and party-centric twenty-somethings. Uptown, however, is incredibly diverse. Broad ranges of racial & economic diversity, a variance of ages and sexual orientations all play roles in coloring in my vibrant neighborhood. Uptown also seems to embrace all varieties of crazy, an aspect which causes me to entertain the thought of putting off cable installation indefinitely. Also, even though I'm further north from downtown now, Uptown feels more "city-ish" to me. In fact, my friend Sara perfectly described it as "Sesame Street, 227 and The Wire" all in one!
In addition to recently moving, I've also been spending time with my "mentee," which has been such an incredible experience so far, and we've only had two outings. (Side note - In order to maintain confidentiality, I won't use her name when I write about her in this public setting.) She is 11 years old and very bright and sweet. I'm already taken with her desire to learn so much about the world around her, and I aim to exceed her expectations as a mentor through encouraging her to never lose that eager and positive mentality. At such a young age, she has overcome so much hardship in her life, yet she still remains a very enthusiastic girl - an attribute I find infinitely inspiring. I don't always have the best luck, but I sincerely feel as though I hit the jackpot in getting matched with my particular "mentee." I cannot wait to
Another update to report: After many months of anticipation, the AUSL teaching applications are FINALLY available! They came out on Thursday, but because I don't want to be hasty, I'm going to find some quiet time tonight to fill it out. I've been preparing for this opportunity for many months, and because I only get one shot, I want to be extremely careful with what I choose to fill into those blanks. All of my supporting docs are ready to go though, so I will be officially "applied" by Monday of next week. Wish me luck!!
And finally, with regards to my New Year's goals, I'm down to having just one more book to read, and running 4 races, all for which I'm registered. The class I ended up taking that I can cross off my list was a canning class from The Glass Rooster. My friend, Jennie, who perpetually keeps an eye out for all activities unique and entertaining, stumbled upon an article about canning classes from The Glass Rooster, and so we immediately signed up. Oh - canning qualifies as an entertaining activity, you ask? Well, to be honest, my friends and I could watch paint dry and somehow find ourselves in a fit of giggles, so yes, canning was, in fact, entertaining. And now I have tomatoes coming out the wazoo! During the class, the canning instructor shared some really interesting stories about her life on a farm growing up, along with her transition to city life, including exhausting every effort to preserve the importance of obtaining real food. Additionally, the whole canning process reminded me so much of my Grandma Elsie, who was a canner extraordinaire. It continues to shock me that the art of canning has completely skipped a generation or two. How on earth did that happen? Oh yeah, money-hungry corporate America got involved, blindsiding us by sneaking cheaply produced, overly processed foods that have unidentifiable origins into our grocery stores. Ok, I won't get off on a tangent, but I guarantee that watching Food Inc. will make you just as bitter about our food industry...
So that is all for now! Phew! A lot sure has happened in the past month or so. It has been such a busy year overall though, and I can hardly believe that we are almost at the end of the 9th month of 2010!
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