Poster Child

When I started this blog nearly 7 years ago, I was a naive 31 year old trying to get my voice heard in a big city full of big personalities. Being loud wasn't my thing, but I found out that writing was. I think back to the person I was almost 7 years ago and I think about how that girl was more of a child than a grown ass woman - a "late-bloomer," if you will. Truth be told, I still tend to relate to women 10 years younger than me, as proved by the fact that most of my clients are 27 year old women. Intelligent, bad-ass women, mind you.

Anyway, 6 years ago I was still stuck in a crappy job, for example, that I was too intelligent for, although I didn't believe so at the time and would remain stuck there for a few more years. I tried being a teacher, an experience I documented in this very blog. That experience was a stepping stone for so many big changes to come, and I don't regret it at all.

6 years ago I was also still trying to be more extroverted than I am, because that was the personality type preferred by most of my friends, acquaintances, boyfriends, dates, and society. I hadn't yet gained the confidence to give everyone the middle finger and resolve to be myself.

I was also obsessed with thinking that I was less than because I was single and not married or in a serious relationship like most people I knew at the time. Back then it never occurred to me to entertain the idea that maybe I enjoyed being single. Like, preferred being single. Instead, I frequently went on meaningless dates with people because I thought that all women in their early 30's were scrambling to find a husband, paranoid that all the good ones were already gone. But of course no suitor ever fit the bill, because deep down I knew marriage was not something I really wanted for myself.

I still considered having or adopting kids at that time to appease potential boyfriends, but have since admitted that it's totally fucking acceptable to not want kids. Ever. I will never apologize for the fact that my womb cringes and recoils at the thought of parenthood. I am not less than a woman for not wanting kids, and if you think so, you are ignorant and close-minded.

In the last 6 years I have grown up a lot. My life was very stationary for years before I started the blog, and has since been very up and down, rich with experience and revelation. I wouldn't trade any of my dark, depressing periods for good because of what I learned having had to deal with such challenging times.

One of the most positive experiences I've had since I started this blog was volunteering as a mentor for 3 years for a girl in a disadvantaged neighborhood in Chicago. I gained innumerable insights and the guts to get out of my comfort zone on the regular, which contributed to many other positive changes in my life.

I changed careers 4 years ago, a move that nearly destroyed me even though I maintain it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I lost a friendship along the way, which has also nearly destroyed me. I attribute that loss to ramifications of the career change, but also because I have since chosen to embrace my rare personality and live an unconventional life, which means I'm very misunderstood most of the time.

I have transitioned to becoming my own boss just this year, which was the most wonderful change of all. Pure autonomy is the way I was born to work, and all the energy I sacrificed while working in the corporate big box gym has since been restored. I'm getting out and doing things again, and my quality of life has improved immensely in just a few months.

I've moved several times since starting this blog. 4 different buildings, in fact. I lived with a boyfriend and endured a very challenging and tumultuous relationship, but am very thankful since moving out that somehow we manage to be best friends to this day. Most people don't understand our relationship, but I don't need them to understand. At this point in my life, I do not feel like defending myself. I do not see the world in black and white, and I think it's an ignorant mindset to do so.

I've been a bunny mama for 2 years now, and pet ownership has changed my life in only positive ways. I love caring for my bunnies and I also love the fact that I'll never have to pay for their braces or college education.

Since starting this blog, I've battled moving back to Ohio and staying in the big city that has become synonymous with my chosen lifestyle. And yet, I have finally chosen to leave my beloved big city to be closer to my family instead. That change hasn't happened quite yet, but the choice to do so has been a tumultuous ride in and of itself. How will an unmarried, child-free woman survive in the suburbs? These are real fears of mine.

Because I have evolved so much and see myself as a very different individual than the one who started this blog, I have chosen to end it. This is not the end of my writing, however. I am starting a new blog that will be a bit more specific in nature regarding the life I've chosen for myself as an unmarried, child-free woman. In college I was fascinated by early 20th century feminism, and that that fascination has been resurrected ever since I embraced this unconventional life I have chosen for myself. I am very happy and very fulfilled by my choices. The new blog is not a way for me to justify my lifestyle, but to celebrate it and hopefully a way to find my tribe. I know we are rare, but I also know we are not alone.

I'm not sure if anyone still reads this blog, but if so, this will be my last post here. If you'd like to follow my new blog, you can find me over at www.thenewwomanorder.wordpress.com

Life of a Career Changer - Year 4

A lot has changed since I wrote this post last year regarding having completed 3 years as a personal trainer.

The biggest change is that I quit my job at the corporate gym to train independently. I complained last year about the price of being successful at the gym, and the unnecessary toll it was taking on my social life, as well as the toll it was taking on me physically and mentally. About 5 months after that post I decided I finally needed to make a change. I was tired of working so hard for so little money, and I was tired of sacrificing the quality of training in favor of the volume of training I needed to maintain to stay afloat at work.

Back in November of 2015, I decided to meet with several trainers I had worked with in the past who had since left the corporate gym to train independently. While discussing their transitions and how things have played out for them since they left, a resounding theme made itself clear - they were all happier, making more money, and they were less stressed. At that point, I knew what I had to do and I knew it would not be easy, but I also had a hunch that making a change would be worth the time and effort.

In the months following, I decided to add more education to my arsenal in order to increase my value as a trainer - and also to reconnect with why I chose this field in the first place. I had been so focused on session goals and sales numbers for so long that I felt I was losing sight of my original desire to be a personal trainer. So, I attended a 2 day workshop in January and studied like mad to acquire a new certification, which I received in April. I gained confidence from gaining more education, and that's when I thought that I just might be able to pull off becoming an independent trainer.

Don't get me wrong - I've had plenty of self doubt and concerns along the way. There were many times when I thought I'd have no choice but to be stuck being miserable at the corporate gym forever. Instead I chose to trust myself, the process, and the good advice provided to me by my colleagues who had experienced a career change within their career before me.

Incidentally, one of the independent trainers I spoke with asked me to take over some of her clients while she is on maternity leave. Had she not asked me, and thereby giving me a time frame to finally let go of my ties to the corporate gym, I don't know when I would've had the guts to quit. But by the time I gave my notice I was at my wits end.

I could no longer tolerate my lack of energy due to the high volume of training and being "on" all the time. I could no longer handle providing FIVE complimentary sessions to new members when it was clearly a waste of time to not be paid for them (what was good for the gym, was not always good for the trainers). I could also no longer handle the "bro" mentality of many of the members, the constant slamming of weights and cables, the overly crowded environment, the loud techno music, the archaic software system, or the arbitrary sales and session numbers to stress about reaching each month.

My four years at the gym weren't all bad. I respected my manager, and I loved my coworkers and clients, for example. And the struggles I listed might not sound terrible to everyone, as extroverts thrive in that type of environment. I just knew I'd never be satisfied or shine the way I'm supposed to shine as a trainer in that overstimulating environment.

Now I'm in my fourth week as a fully independent trainer and I could not be happier with my decision. As I suspected before I made the change, I have more energy, less stress, more time for myself and for client programming, and I am less crabby. I still have a lot to learn in terms of running my own business, but I can honestly say that I love training again. My clients have my full attention because there are no distractions when I train at a private studio. We get more done in one hour because we are not hunting for space or sharing equipment, and I can diligently stick to their scheduled programming, therefore increasing the value of their sessions.

My next big challenge will be seeing if I can pull of the independent trainer thing in Ohio when I move. I love what I'm doing and how I'm doing it right now, and I'd love to maintain this sort of momentum when I move. I'll have to work even harder to make it work because I'll be starting from scratch, but I've never been afraid of hard work. In fact, there's nothing more motivating than realizing that the bigger picture is myself and my business rather than a corporation for which I'm making money.

Year 4 started strong, saw several ups and downs along the way, and ultimately ended better than I ever could have imagined. I truly believe the ultimate goal of the entrepreneur is to not only do the work you love, but finding a way to do it exactly the way you want to do it. To me  - as I suspected and happily discovered - autonomy is everything.

I finished last year's blog post recapping my third year of training by referring to my desire to run my own business one day and saying, "An introverted girl can turn her dreams into reality is she wants something badly enough." Because I wanted something badly enough, I worked my ass off to make it happen. And to think that being my own boss was once a dream that I turned into a reality is probably one of the most satisfying accomplishments of my life.

The Pursuit of Happiness

Happiness is.... being at peace with a decision that took a really, really long time to make. I have discovered that there is no such thing as "perfect timing," but there is a time when making a change feels right.

I'd been filled with anxiety for months knowing that I needed to make a change, but I hadn't felt until recently that I could pull it off, even though I'd been carefully planning a transition.

Before I made the decision to leave my job in favor of training independently, I was so nervous that it might not work out and feeling a bit guilty with the idea of leaving my loyal clients, supportive manager, and fun co-workers.

Had my trainer friend Cristina not asked me to take over her clients when she has her baby, who knows if I would've ever had the guts to leave my stable job in favor of something that is risky, yet far more suited for my personality.

Leaving my job isn't the only huge life decision I've made recently though. I will also be moving back to Ohio in the fall to be closer to my family. I know I've expressed the desire to move back to Ohio a few times in this blog, and I've finally decided that because life is short, I need to spend as much time with my family as possible. I've already missed out on so much with them.

I told Fabian I was leaving Chicago and I resigned from my job 2 days later. To say the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement, but I really am so happy and at peace with my decisions.

Before I gave my boss my resignation, I had to constantly remind myself that the reason I started this whole process of making a change is because I was working in the wrong environment, and it wasn't healthy for me. I wasn't being a brat, or negative, or lazy, or selfish for wanting things to be different.

I didn't quit when things got hard, and they got really hard soon after I started my career as a personal trainer four years ago. I never gave up at the corporate gym and instead pressed on to do the job that I love for little money in an overstimulating environment that made me miserable.

I know it must sound dramatic to non-introverts, but working in an overstimulating environment has cost me plenty over the years including energy, friendships, a social life, the desire to try new things, and the desire to find love. And yet, I still felt guilty for wanting to get out of my situation. I felt guilty for not having the energy to be more successful at work despite the energy-draining environment.

I should never feel guilty about wanting to be happy though. I shouldn't ever feel guilty for wanting to do my work the way I want to do it in the environment that is better suited for me. In fact, the more I read about being an entrepreneur, the more I uncover just how much I was meant to do work all along. It turns out that I'm not lazy and I don't hate hard work. I just need more autonomy to be happy.

Before I resigned, and now that I'm on my own, I'm choosing to trust that everything will work out for me. Making big life changes is scary, and things have never really gone smoothly for me in the past when I've made big changes. But this time I carefully planned my transition. I have the experience, confidence, work ethic, and motivation to be successful and don't have to rely on luck. This change is also different because now I know exactly what I want after having experienced major extremes in my adult life. Bottom line - I want work/life balance and the chance to be truly happy doing what I love exactly how I want to do it. I fucking deserve it.

Regarding my big moving plans, I think I was more nervous about telling Fabian about going back to Ohio than I was about quitting my my job. I know Fabian loves me and the bunnies so much, and we love him so much, so it truly breaks my heart to leave him. But I know in my heart that I can't feel guilty for wanting to be close to my family.

I came, I saw, I conquered the big city, and now it's time to go home. A few months ago I was at the checkout counter at Dick's Sporting Goods and when the cashier asked for my zip code, I instinctively rattled off "44223, " even though I haven't lived in Ohio for 14 years. That moment really made me think. Clearly my desire to be home is subconscious as well as conscious.

But I waited to announce my decision until my head was in agreement with my heart, and my subconscious mind was in alignment with my conscious mind regarding the reality of making the move. And even though there is no such thing as perfect timing - because I can think of a million excuses to stay - the thought of moving home feels absolutely right.

If at First You Don't Succeed

During a training session recently, a client was telling me about his 11 year old son who is in the process of trying out for a hockey team. Apparently, the son tried out for the team last year and didn't make it, so he's been working out and practicing extra hard to ensure a better chance of making the cut this year. My client noted that not making the team last year was a great character building experience for him, as well as a lesson in the value of hard work.

I instantly thought of a similar experience from my own childhood. I was in 7th grade when I decided to try out for cheerleading. My best friends were cheerleaders and I had always been involved in dance classes and gymnastics, so cheerleading was especially appealing to me.

I went to the practices, learned the cheers, and moderately recited them in my own time. I wasn't really sure what to expect, and it turned out I had no idea. I didn't know, for instance, that wearing your hair off your face for tryouts was mandatory. Incidentally, I had arrived with my hair down. My friends freaked out on my behalf, which prompted my Mom to scramble for ideas. Not a hair elastic in sight, my Mom ended up improvising with a small leather strap from my brother's baseball glove found in the trunk of the car.

Anyway, I tried out for the squad and did not make it. The limited time I had spent practicing on my own and my unpreparedness had cost me a spot on the squad. An overly emotional tween at that time, an expected torrential downpour of tears were shed.

But that experience in defeat did not reduce my desire to become a cheerleader. I did not blame the judges for being unfair. I didn't accuse any of the other girls of cheating. I knew in my heart of hearts that I did not practice enough. I knew that I was not as prepared as I should have been that day.

The next year in 8th grade I tried out for the high school squad. I had practiced relentlessly, and I showed up to tryouts with my hair fixed in the most important pony tail of my life.

Armed with confidence and enough enthusiasm to supply an entire cheer squad, I was going in prepared. As a result, I made the team. My hard work and relentless drive had paid off.

The thing about trying new things as a kid is that there are no risks involved. If I hadn't made the team, then life would go on and I was comfortably aware of that fact. I'd be devastated if I wasn't selected a second time, of course, but never once did I stew on the possibility of how my life would be affected if I had failed.

We are so much less hesitant as kids to go after what we want because there's so much opportunity for us to try new things and absolutely no repercussions if one or several things do not work out.

As an adult, however, the fear of failure often paralyzes us and prevents us from trying new things too often. There are real consequences if things don't work out, usually because the stakes are higher regarding the choices we make as adults. Careers, relationships, cross-country moves, investments, etc. involve a lot of risk.

Knowing full well we could never be as prepared for big life changes as much as we can prepare for cheerleading tryouts, we do our best to learn the information available to us regarding our options, then say "fuck it" and just go for it. We eventually choose to risk everything knowing we may get nothing except a good dose of character building and lesson learning.

But despite risk, we learn throughout life that making a leap is exactly how we evolve and become better individuals.

As an introvert, I'm a big fan of looking before I leap. And I usually take a long time to look. Too long. But moving forward is important for improving the quality of life regardless of the outcome, and I only know this from experience. As scary as change is, it's time again to fix my hair into an important ponytail and take a leap.

What I Learned in 2015

Months ago my brother texted me some photos he pulled from a scrapbook I made for him when he graduated high school. One of the photos was of myself, my best friend Mandy, and my brother. He sent another of himself and his best friend Michael who passed away when we were in high school. I told him I didn’t remember when or where the photos were taken, to which he replied, “That’s why you need to see the movie Inside Out.” 

Without totally giving the plot away, I will only tell you that the movie is about an 11 year old girl and the various emotions living inside her head, along with the life-long memories stored in her brain. Up until a certain point as a child, the emotion of joy is what we experience most, and we tend to mostly reflect upon happy memories. But as the story unfolds we learn that as we grow older, the positive and negative events in our lives and our resulting emotions are far more complicated - and necessary. 

The movie helped me remember the importance of making memories, even though many of them naturally become dormant along the way. But for most of my life, I was obsessed with creating experiences for myself that I could learn from and recall fondly. As an adult in her late 30’s, however, I’ve had a tendency to get wrapped up in all the things I have to do just to exist that I forget the importance of relaxing, having fun, and taking the time to reflect upon positive and negative experiences in the form of journaling. 

In addition to making quality memories, learning to accept all of my emotions was the biggest lesson I learned in 2015. I discovered that it's okay to be sad, for instance. It’s okay to feel sadness and not be happy all of the time. In fact, I'm doing a serious disservice to myself when I don’t honor my emotions. Resisting negative feelings and experiencing guilt for not being happy all of the time only makes me feel worse. But it's impossible to feel happiness all of the time, and that's actually a good thing. Think about it. If humans were happy all of the time, would we ever find the motivation to challenge ourselves and become better people by trying new things? Nope.

Just as much as it’s okay to feel sadness, I re-learned that it’s okay to have FUN! In fact, “play time” is crucial to my well being, as it is for every human. We live in a society that values being busy all of the time. Being overbooked, overwhelmed, and chronically exhausted is a lifestyle considered tantamount to a life balanced with hard work and leisure in this country. Even though I learned to resist the toxic concept of a “go, go, go” lifestyle, I haven’t totally let go of the guilt that I’ve been conditioned to feel anytime I’m doing anything other than working or doing chores. But play time is important for a healthy lifestyle. Play time in the form of drawing, sprinting up a hill, dancing, painting, etc. fosters creativity and relieves stress. It allows us to be present while getting lost in the moment. It allows us to focus on the task at hand, while simultaneously helping us figure out solutions to problems unrelated to the task at hand.

2015 was the year of understanding and honoring my emotions. This past year definitely had some rough patches, but there were also a lot of highlights to balance things out. I learned even more about myself and the world this year than the previous year, and as long as I continue to learn and grow every year that I’m alive, I will consider myself fulfilled.

Adulting in 2015

When I was a kid, I often fantasized about being an adult and living on my own. A husband and kids were never in these fantasies, but making my own choices and getting to do what I wanted when I wanted to were definitely the stuff of which my dreams were made.

I remember one instance while sitting at my parent's kitchen table savoring a Girl Scout cookie thinking to myself, "I am going to buy and eat as much of these as I want to when I grow up." And I'm happy to say that at 37, I am truly living the dream.

While grocery shopping recently, I realized that as an adult I am entitled to buy anything I want simply because I want to buy it. If I want pumpkin pie and cheese cubes for dinner, then I have every right to do so. Being single and independent really is just as glorious as I thought it would be when I was a kid.

I've been so annoyed with "adulting" lately that I was relieved at the positive revelation of the good side to being an adult. Typical adult responsibilities like dealing with insurance companies, public transportation, working ridiculous hours, struggling with finances, and general daily tasks can be so annoying and draining, so it's important to seek out the simple pleasures reminding me that worrying is pointless and everything will always be okay. Because as an adult, my primary responsibility is to make sure that everything will be always be okay.

Purchasing random, delicious food is not the only thing that makes being an adult glorious though. As a fitness professional, I do eat healthy most of the time, and working out is a top priority for me. Working out makes me soooooo HAPPY. If I'm feeling down, spending an hour honoring my body and what it does for me immediately changes my perspective on anything negative in my life. The act of being aware of my physical presence and intensely focusing on an exercise immediately elevates my mood and provides me with energy for hours. I am grateful to have a career where I have the freedom to block out time for myself. If all occupations allowed this, I could guarantee we'd live in a healthier, happier world.

Another great thing about being in adult is the wisdom accrued with each passing year. In 2015 I have learned that I must never let anyone (especially someone I consider a friend) make me feel like I am a bad person just because I live my life by my own terms and follow my own path to fulfill my needs and dreams. I learned that it takes honest, true friends to help me uncover such bits of wisdom. At 37 years old I have been able to filter my friends so that only the truest remain. And those who remain are respectful of my choices, supportive regarding the challenges I face, and are not put off by the time and distance separating us. This may be one of the most important lessons I've learned as an adult. Being separated but not alienated from true friends is crucial for my well-being.

Adulting is a pain in the ass most of the time, but it's not too difficult to remember all of the wonderful things that come along with being an adult, even if it's as simple as choosing pumpkin pie and cheese cubes for dinner.

Tales of an Alpha Female Bad Ass

Fuuuuuucccckkkk yeeeeaaahhh! I 'm an Alpha Female Bad Ass! Wooooo!!!

*Clears throat* Pardon me for completely forgetting who I was for a while. For too long of a while. Life tried to drown me in an icy pool of self-pity this winter, and even though I'd come up for a big gulp of air every once in a while, I would quickly find myself back under water.

Allowing myself to drown in self pity is not me though. I mean, I've gone through enough struggles in my life, but I usually pull myself up and out quickly with graceful determination.

My wonderful Aunt Denise tagged me in an article on Facebook today listing the characteristics of an "Alpha Female Bad Ass." Hell yeah! My whole life I've been an independent, strong-willed fighter, and yet this winter I lost that sense of self.

Well, winter is fucking over. This past month I saddled up my big girl boot straps (errr, however the saying goes) and got to work reigniting my passion for my profession and working hard to stop any "victim mentality" tendencies that threatened to overtake me.

I obtained some new clients at work who are focused and ready to work because they have real goals to reach, and they are counting on me to kick their butts and hold them accountable - a responsibility I do not take lightly. I also worked hard to get a few past clients back into the gym and inspired them to set some real goals for themselves. It motivates me to motivate them, and I am excited to be good and busy again at work.

I also have a new manager at work who is female. Her gender is important to note because I was a bit skeptical prior to meeting her after the worst boss I've ever had in the past was female. But my new manager has squashed all my fears and has brought a new, positive energy to my work environment. In fact, I was a bit taken aback last week when I was reading a fitness article and she just sat down next to me to chat about my experience with the company and my goals for the future. She also asks me for my input and values my opinion. I've never really experienced that before, but it has reminded me that after pushing aside all my insecurities, I can look in the mirror and see a confident woman who takes her profession very seriously.

And just today, another trainer who is new to the business but not much younger than me, came to me with tears in her eyes asking for advice on how to be more organized. I empathized because I know exactly how it feels to be overwhelmed when dealing with a new career, and sharing my experience with her along with what works for me reminded me that I am fully capable of being a leader despite my introverted personality.

During the first few months after moving to Chicago 13 years ago, I was incredibly poor and was having difficulty getting my old life in Ohio transferred to my new life in the big city. I was frustrated beyond belief dealing with real, actual, adult responsibilities for the first time in my life. My Dad, back in Ohio and somewhat unsympathetic to my situation, sent a note containing no more than $2, which he specified was to be put toward an "ice cream cone." I was definitely hoping to see a $50 bill in that note, but instead he wrote, "There will always be some problems, but that's life. Welcome to the real world." He was right. As a result, I did not choose to lay down and die. I worked my ass off to make everything work. Because that is who I am. I am a fighter. I am an ALPHA FEMALE BAD ASS, dammit!

Along with the 2 bucks, which I absolutely put toward an ice cream cone, my Dad also sent this quote which is never far from my mind when I'm struggling with life:

"Attacking is the only secret. Dare, and the world always yields; or, if it beats you down sometimes, dare it again, and it will succumb." - William Makepeace Thackeray 

Ruts and Glory

Years ago I was going through a tough time in my life where I was desperately unhappy with my job and suffering from a serious financial crisis. I felt incredibly sad and angry for being in such a terrible life situation, yet I couldn't stop my feelings of hopelessness and despair, and therefore I couldn't find the motivation to find my way out of my rut.

I also felt upset that I felt so low and that I wasn't automatically able to "get over it" no matter how hard I tried. I recall having a dream around that time that I had fallen into a sink hole, but instead of screaming for help and fighting for a way out, I just stayed there. Calm. Unable to move. I allowed myself to relax and didn't bother putting up a fight. I trusted that if I were meant to find a way out, I'd find a way out. That dream was very alarming to me at the time, and I wondered if I was in fact ready to give up on life.

But not long after that dream, I allowed myself to calm down and relax in my waking life despite whatever troubles I was experiencing, and instead of giving up, I eventually found the motivation to take action.

Why do we as humans always feel so guilty for experiencing negative feelings from time to time though? Why do we insist on shelving our negative emotions, when our emotions are true and authentic and beg to be experienced? The more we resist our true feelings, the longer they are perpetuated, making us feel too paralyzed to take action. I have the tendency to do this to myself a lot.

I'm going through another tough time in my life, and I'll admit I've been stewing over things that are wrong instead of appreciating things that are right. I've felt pressure to take action to fix things even with having zero idea of what steps to take. As a result, I've been feeling paralyzed again. Stuck in a rut.

But this weekend I recalled the book I read last summer called, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. The Power of Now suggests embracing whatever we are feeling at any given time. By giving in to our feelings, we go through them, not over them, which leads us to clear our minds and regain a positive attitude. Embracing our feelings, no matter how unpleasant, validates them, but also makes us realize we don't want to feel them for too long, and therefore compels us to take action.

I also read a few articles this weekend about the positive side to losing your shit and the importance of practicing emotional first aid. I've been so quick to panic and worry about my life situation, and then quick to panic and worry because I'm feeling so down. But I forgot that I'm not the only one to experience this kind of thing.

I also forgot that Stephanie Madden doesn't simply believe in "getting over it," which is a very harsh and unattainable idea. If it were so easy to "get over it," then psychologists and self help books wouldn't exist. I think one needs to "go through it" in order to come out stronger. At least I find that it helps me to "go through it" in order to rekindle my motivation to move forward and achieve.

So, for the last few days I chose to allow myself to ignore everything and just feel whatever I was feeling, no matter how unpleasant. And a funny thing happened as a consequence. I woke up this beautiful Sunday morning with a strong desire to accomplish, create, and cross things off my To Do list. I didn't feel hopeless this morning, I felt hopeful. I felt positive that I would have a productive day, and I did. I'm not 100% in the clear of negative emotions, but not being perfectly content is what makes us want to move forward in the first place. Pushing everything aside until I was ready to face it properly was an important exercise for me in not letting myself spiral out of control into a sinkhole of sadness.

As with strength training, actual strength is gained during recovery. The very same principle applies  to life. With a little R&R and emotional first aid, it is possible recover ourselves and find our way out of a rut.

It's important (although not easy) to let everything go that isn't totally in your control and trust in yourself and God that things will eventually turn around. They always do. Things always turn around when you are emotionally ready and willing to find the energy to turn negative into positive.

What I Learned in 2014

At the beginning of last year, I declared in this  post that 2014 would be a rebuilding year. 365 days has officially come and gone, and I can say with confidence that I have successfully "rebuilt" myself into a person I'm proud to be and that I'm living a life that I'm proud of as well. Essentially, all it took was learning how to live as authentically as possible for me to be happy and feel successful with my life.

I find myself reflecting on the events of 2014 quite a bit. While no major milestones were reached, a tremendous amount of personal growth occurred, which only made me realize how much more I have to learn and how much more I want to do in this lifetime.

One big thing I learned in 2014 is how to really, truly, love someone by forgiving them of their flaws, and accepting that I can still be loved despite mine. I often wonder where I'd be in life had I never met my BFF. He has taught me so much, supported me so much, pushed me so much, and most of all, has loved me so much. Despite my stubborn and resistant nature, he has stood by my side through thick and thin and has taught me what it really means to love.

The relationship with my BFF strengthened immeasurably in 2014. Because of him (and in addition to some very powerful self help-ish books*), I finally realized how relationships are supposed to work. And I can no longer be the kind of person who participates in negative gossip or behavior, nor can I tolerate people who (inadvertently) make me feel judged, inferior, and are not supportive of my lifestyle and choices. Real, true friends express their honest opinions to your face, and are encouraging and supportive of you no matter what.

Another thing I learned in 2014 is that stuff is just stuff. In the big city, it's very easy to get caught up in the glamour and wish for all that sparkles and shines, because money and the "stuff" it affords is often flaunted and always easily visible. But while stuff is pretty to look at, stuff does not mean that the people who own it are necessarily happy. I guess this is pretty obvious, but I spent a lot of years comparing myself to others and dwelling on all the things I didn't have, so I need to repeat this lesson to myself more than I'm proud to admit.

But it brings me to my next point. I learned how to be at peace with myself despite whatever life situation I'm experiencing. 2014 taught me to really, truly, cherish the little things. The feeling after a workout and after a shower makes me so joyful. Folding laundry, cleaning, and preparing a meal all make me feel good because I'm taking care of my life and successfully managing the things I am able to control. Seeing a client progress before my eyes, cuddling with my bunny and BFF, and exploring the city with my BFF just to take pics made me so insanely happy and appreciative this year.

I learned that making memories with the people you love is far more important than making a lot of money. I make less than half the salary I was making at my job in Corporate America, but my job affords me the time and flexibility to be able to spend lots of time with the people who matter to me most. I was able to visit my family 5 times this year! I was also able to take my BFF and my fur baby along for 2 of those trips. To be able to have the people who mean the absolute most to me on this earth in one room together several times this year was definitely a major highlight.

Speaking of my fur baby, I learned that adopting and loving a fur baby makes me more present, more patient, more aware, and overwhelms me with love. I'm in love with a bunny and I don't care who knows it! She really is my baby and I am committed to giving her the best life possible. I was meant to meet her this year and my life has been increasingly blessed ever since I brought her home on that mild summer evening in early August.

Finally, I learned that the lessons one learns as an adult must be practiced. Constantly. Constantly practiced. The lessons learned as an adult are not as easy to recall as learning state capitals or times tables. Our minds are already super conditioned in our 30's, so it takes extra efforts to be able to change your mind about something, or be open to new ideas, or new ways of doing things.

For 2015 I made a list of 15 goals to work towards all year long, just as I had made 14 goals for 2014. I reached all but a few, but I learned that working towards goals (no matter how big, significant, or small) makes me feel more purposeful and well-rounded, and motivates me to want to do bigger and better things in life.

The lessons I want to put into practice for 2015 are to not to let money, or the lack thereof, control me and rule my life. For nearly my entire adult life I've let money govern my world. But there are so many times in life that you cannot control unexpected expenses, or bad months for personal training. I'm learning to have faith and to trust that I'll always have enough, because enough is all I need. But I have the tendency to easily fall off the tight rope of confidence and stress about money, and I want to stress less about money this year. I'm very responsible, and deep down I know I don't need to worry, so I guess I need to continue practicing trusting myself, trusting the universe, and knowing that money is only money, and my worth as a human being is not determined by how much money I have in the bank. I'll be okay no matter what, because I won't let myself not be okay.

Also for 2015, I want to learn how to and then practice relinquishing so much control over my life. I have a terrible habit of wanting every detail of my life to be controlled and managed, and I feel like this may be hurting me from progressing further in life. Basically, I need to get comfortable with taking chances by getting uncomfortable more often. I've taken some pretty big risks in my life, and the results been no easy adjustment, so I've become a little gun shy when it comes to change, even though the risks I've taken have been completely worthy of risk.

I don't think I've ever been more enlightened, felt more positive, or basked in more peace when starting a new year like I am this year. I'm excited to see what 2015 will bring, all the while enjoying each moment of each day as it happens. Stay present, my friends, and cheers to 2015!

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." - Henry David Thoreau

*The aforementioned "self help-ish" books that contributed to my increased inner peace and brighter outlook on life are as follows:

The Voice of Knowledge by don Miguel Ruiz:  http://www.miguelruiz.com/store/books-card-decks/
The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz:   http://www.miguelruiz.com/store/books-card-decks/
The Power of Now by Elkhart Tolle:  http://www.eckharttolle.com/books/now/

Life of a Career Changer - Two Years Later

It's sort of unbelievable that I've been a fitness professional for two whole years now! While the first year of my new life was incredibly challenging and full of ups and downs, the second year has been overwhelmingly rewarding. Through struggle, I gained confidence in my first year that I was able to utilize for a successful second year. I'm not saying my second year was a breeze, but there were far more ups than downs, and I learned how to manage myself better when the going got tough.

If I had known two years ago how hard it would be to switch careers, I may have been too scared to ever do so. But in this case, ignorance was bliss, and I've been fulfilling my purpose ever since I jumped out of my comfort zone only to land in a field where I truly belong.

In past blog posts regarding my first year as a personal trainer, I often bemoaned the sacrifices that came with change and moving forward. What I learned in my second year though, is that those sacrifices didn't mean I was giving much up after all. For instance, my paychecks aren't as beefy as they were when I worked in Corporate America, but I feel as if I'm getting by better than ever. Somehow I'm managing to save some money. Somehow I'm managing to pay all my bills. Somehow I still have enough left over for good food and fun activities. I firmly believe that when you find a way to do what you are meant to do, God takes care of the rest.

Another sacrifice I often mentioned in previous blog posts was giving up so much time with my closest girlfriends. What I failed to mention, though, is that the lives of my girlfriends have evolved in some way right along with mine during the last two years. If I had never made a change to my own life in order to preserve the frequency of which I saw them, then I would have only been left behind while everyone else moved forward.

I was so sad for so long that my lifestyle was drastically altered after initially making a career switch, but I'm not sad about it anymore. In fact, I'm beyond grateful because I now feel as if I'm truly honoring my authentic self. Work and exercise take up a huge chunk of my time, and I'm okay with that. This means I spend a large part of my life doing what I love. Yes, I'm often too tired to be social on the weekends, but I don't feel as if I'm missing out on anything. I now feel as if my life is so rich that I require more downtime because I'm so busy actually living my life. Working in a cube for 40 hours per week only made me feel as if I was wasting away. And going to bars and drinking on the weekends never really made me feel that good anyway. And it definitely never made me feel good the next day. When health became a top priority for me, I realized that life is too short to waste Sundays on the couch being hungover.

Many times during that first year I felt like giving up. But a little voice inside my head heart kept telling me to "keep going." And in my second year, I learned how to appreciate the pros despite the cons of my new career and realized that no job is perfect. I learned not to take anything personally. I learned how important it is to not compromise my integrity regardless of opinions from clients and coworkers. I learned that hard work and giving everything I've got is the only way to find success on the path to working for what I so strongly believe in, and accepting that doing so still might not be enough. I also learned how important it is to have a best friend/roommate (who has also been a mentor to me) readily and willingly available for support at all times, especially when my confidence was shaky.

Perhaps the biggest takeaway from my second year is gaining the courage and the confidence to grow even more in my field. I don't want to become stagnant at my current place of employment, and instead would like to see where and how far I can take my talents. When I wrote this  post last year, I wondered where I'd be one year from then. I speculated that maybe I'd be a more successful and developed trainer, and I can definitely say that is 100% accurate. I've held the #3 spot and top female spot for the last year for personal training at my gym. But I do also have to wonder where I'll be one year from now. Wherever I find myself, I want to find myself growing in my field and even more successful than I am today. And the simple act of believing in myself ensures that I'll get there.

"It is your patience and your labor that allows miracles to happen." - Elizabeth Gilbert

Back to the Present

I have a lot of trouble being "present" or "in the moment." As much as I practice yoga or practice redirecting my brain from ruminating, more often than not I find my mind drifting to events of the past or anxiously peering into a future riddled with uncertainty. In other words, my brain is usually anywhere but "here." It has dawned on me that when I do look back on my life though, I wish I would have appreciated whatever I was going through at any particular time, good or bad, but especially good. It has dawned on me that I take a lot of cool stuff about my life for granted.

I recently had a conversation with my BFF about how doing laundry really makes me feel like I have my shit together. I gushed to him that something about the cleansing, the folding, the organizing and putting away that makes me feel like I really have everything in line. He commented in response to my passionate rant about domestic chores, "But you do have your shit together. You're just too busy always comparing yourself to others." OMG. TOTES. If I just remembered to pause and realize that I'm exactly where I need to be right now at this time in my life, I'd be a whole lot happier and less anxious about my circumstances.

It's like I purposely avoid eye contact with the present moment, even though the present moment is really the only thing that ever matters. Nothing lasts forever, good or bad, and no one is truly stuck anywhere, so why would I ever let my happiness be compromised by external circumstances that aren't permanent anyway?

Bear with me for this next sentence, but I think that by looking into the future to look back at the present as the past, I'd find a lot more happiness, and would express far more gratitude to God for my life. An example of this came to me this week as I thought about how as a kid I used to vacation in North Carolina with my family during summertime for two whole weeks. For the love. TWO WHOLE WEEKS! I didn't quite appreciate my good fortune too much at the time, but holy shit if I knew back then that spending two weeks at the coast would nearly be impossible for me as an adult, I might have eaten more ice cream cones while walking along the beach. I might have spent an extra hour every day with my toes in the sand. I definitely would have shown more gratitude toward my parents for blessing me with such an incredible opportunity every summer of my already awesome childhood.

Obviously, being an adult is a bit different though, because life is more about responsibility and not always about fun. There are plenty of ups and downs and plenty of times where I let the downs take over my life. But I tend to look back at various times during my adult life in Chicago when I thought I wasn't happy and realize that I still had it really good. So I don't understand why I don't embrace and appreciate my current circumstances a little more. This is my life. It's happening. But I tend not to wholly appreciate my life until I can only reflect upon moments that have passed. Even the not-so-rosy experiences only exist to teach me, and although I know deep down that rocky roads make me stronger, it's so easy to forget and get incredibly frustrated when things aren't going my way.

My current life situation is that I'm 35 years old and living with roommates, which isn't as easy or as comfortable as living solo, and at times I get so worked up about it that I feel as if my emotional well being is teetering on the edge of a cliff. Additionally, my career as a personal trainer is completely exhausting and time consuming, and I make very little money to show for my relentless hard work. I'll admit that I get annoyed by my life sometimes. Okay, I get annoyed a lot of times. But, why? What's the point? When I force myself to look at the big picture, or as I mentioned previously, when I force myself to "look into the future to look back at the present as the past," I immediately remember that I'm truly blessed because I LOVE my career, and I'm getting by just fine, so I shouldn't worry about not making a ton of money. Also, I LOVE paying cheap rent. I LOVE living with my BFF. And I deeply value the opportunity to reside in an international household (my other roommate is Taiwanese and my BFF and his parents - who live downstairs - are Chilean). My situation works. For now, that is. Living with roommates won't be forever, and I may not have the good fortune to be a trainer forever, so why not just enjoy my life for what it is right now?

When I stop comparing myself to others and really pause to take in the moment, I realize that I'm lucky beyond measure. I need to spend more time appreciating my crazy life situations at any point in time for what they are right here and right now, and take pleasure in the fact that whatever I'm experiencing is just another step in the path of the unconventional life that I'm so happy I chose to lead over a traditional one. My life is never boring. Never. How amazing and fortunate for me! I need to remember that it's pointless to stress about what I haven't yet accomplished in life when I know in my heart that if I want something bad enough, I WILL make it happen. And for crying out loud, I need to let today be today... This hour be this hour... This minute be this minute. And in this moment, I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude.

Life of a Career Changer - One Year Later

One year has passed since I became a Certified Personal Trainer and was hired to work for Fitness Formula Clubs as such.

Shortly after jumping feet first into my new career, I declared in a Facebook status that the grass was greener on the side of my new career. But soon after I began to question whether or not it was, in fact, greener, or if the grass was simply a different color.

Working as a personal trainer is so much more difficult that I ever imagined, but it is also more rewarding than I ever imagined. For instance, whereas I was accustomed to getting paid to blog all day long and take two-hour lunch breaks at a corporate job I never took seriously, I now work my butt off and get paid very little, if at all. Sometimes, though, those hours of providing complimentary workouts and consultations are worth their weight in gold. It is an incredible feeling to open one's eyes to something new and something that is going to benefit that person greatly. That part is rewarding, yes. The part about struggling to pay my bills and not being able to see my friends because I can't afford leisurely activities is a little more difficult for me.

I have so much fun at work, though, and never ever have I ever once had a case of the "Mondays." The environment is positive, I get to make my own schedule (although I tend to work the opposite hours of a standard 9 to 5 shift). But the non-traditional schedule and the breaks in the middle of the day allow me to work out when the gym is empty, which is a feeling akin to having an entire playground to yourself. I also have the freedom to leave and go work out with my own coach if I so choose. I don't have to sit behind a desk all day staring at boring ass spreadsheets, which is certainly a plus. I have the freedom to dictate how I go about my day because no one is micromanaging my every move. On the flip side, my schedule differs daily and can change any minute, so it's hard for me to nail down some structure, which is a hurdle I still haven't overcome in a year's time.

I also work in a proverbial fish bowl, where I can be seen and observed at all times, which is a little uncomfortable for this introvert. In fact, I'll see club members on the street or in a coffee shop who will strike up a conversation with me about my job or the gym, and many times I could swear I've never seen the person before in my life. I'm still not used to that and not I'm not sure I will ever be comfortable with it. Whereas I used to grumble about the fact that I never saw anyone outside of the 8 people in my office and only talked to 3 of them, I suddenly work in an environment where over a thousand people pass through each day. Having to be "on" all day long is incredibly exhausting. At the end of the day, the last thing I want is to hear my own voice or any sort of noise for that matter. But I have learned to deal with the exhaustion, and I maintain that my clients are worth me at my best. If I don't bring the energy then I fail them, and that's unacceptable to me.

Additionally, even though I thought I escaped the corporate world, my job and the company I work for is far more corporate than I ever predicted. We have monthly goals and weekly meetings, and I find myself checking my work email ALL THE TIME. Sometimes all that stuff makes me feel like a sellout, but most of the time I don't mind it. I deal with that stuff because my personal mission, which is most important and what I'm most disciplined about, is making sure that I'm there for my clients by doing whatever I need to do to go above and beyond to help them reach their goals.

In a year's time, I've also had time to discover and develop the type of trainer I am. I love training people (especially runners) with little to zero weight training experience. Starting from 0 and watching people become stronger and physically change before my eyes is such a cool feeling. Knowing that the way I communicate and give direction and push them is what is helping to change them is a huge payoff, and worth way more than any paycheck. I also know for a fact that training with my own trainer makes me a better trainer. Paying $300 to get certified in some bullsh!t fitness trend like TRX or kettle bells might make someone look credible, but I choose to remain true to what has worked for me, and it doesn't involve the flashy exercises that get attention from onlookers. Instead, I teach people the exercises that will get them results.

So, where exactly do I stand one year later? Well, I absolutely love my job and my clients. But I've learned that personal training is a career that is not comfortable and it never will be, and I'm still trying to get comfortable with that idea. There is always room to improve and work harder, which isn't a bad thing, but I also feel like I could do everything and everything still would not be good enough.

I often contemplate where I'll be one year from now. Still in Chicago? Working as a more successful and developed trainer? Taking my career as a fitness professional to a different or higher level? The future is uncertain, as it always is. Surprise is the beauty of life, and life surprises me constantly. I no longer fear the unknown. In fact, when I was stuck at my desk job, I literally felt stuck there. For so many years.

So, perhaps the biggest takeaway from making a total career overhaul one year ago is that I'm no longer as terrified of change as I once was. Yes, change is still scary to me, but I've learned that even though adapting is difficult, it is not impossible. I'm no longer afraid that making a change will not be a good decision, because having the courage to move forward and try something new will always be a good decision.

Daydreaming

"If you've never stared off into the distance, then your life is a shame" - lyric from Mrs. Potter's Lullaby by Counting Crows

I stare off into the distance a lot. It makes me feel closer to God. Not that I think God is waaaaay out there somewhere, but because I think God is right next to me - or even right within my heart.

I mean, in this vast world, it is possible for something to be right within me that is bigger than all of it. That is a miracle.

Happy New Year!

It was actually really hard to say goodbye to 2012. How does one leave behind a year that was so wonderfully life-changing and expect the following years to be just as amazing? Well, I can expect 2013 to be an equally awesome year because I will make it an awesome year.

You see, among the many lessons I've learned in 2012 (and their were many), I think the biggest one is that, contrary to popular belief, good things do not come to those who wait. Good things come to those who make shit happen. 

In order to change my life, I had to physically and mentally take the steps necessary to do so, which meant getting uncomfortable. A lot. But all the challenge and struggle was completely worth it. Because I can truly say that I'm happy.

I also re-learned many lessons in 2012. For instance, I re-learned how to have faith and trust in God just as I did when I first moved to Chicago. I re-learned how to be positive while facing even the most daunting of obstacles. I re-learned how to be confident and trust myself. 

I didn't complete my 2012 bucket list, which was laid out in detail in this post, but who the f#$% cares, because I accomplished the mother of all goals by pursuing a new career, which is something I've been dreaming of for years. In fact, as I learned in 2010 when I started this blog, sometimes setting small goals can lead one to accomplish great things.

I'm looking forward to a successful 2013. Cheers to a new year! We are all granted a blank canvas. Let's all paint a masterpiece, shall we?

Cram Session

It has been a long time since I updated this blog. Too long. My new career has taken over my life during the past few months, but I finally feel like life is settling down enough for me to take the time to sort out my thoughts - as they do still find at least a little time to swirl around in this noggin of mine. So let's play catch up, shall we?

So much has happened since I last wrote. I suffered a running injury only a few days after I posted my last entry that has prevented me from training as intensely as I wrote about in my last post. It has been a learning experience, it has made me more compassionate toward my clients dealing with injuries, but most of all it has been a pain in the ass. I had to totally skip out on race season, including the Hot Chocolate 15k, which was my main goal for the 8 plus months of training leading up to it. But I vow to come back faster and stronger than ever before. I'm now also far more in tune and aware of my body and its' limitations, which can only serve as an advantage in the future.
.
Additionally, my personal training career has also taken off quicker and more successfully than I ever could have imagined. It's exhausting, but I love it. I'm challenged every single day. I'm rewarded every single day. It's exactly what I was meant to do!

I have also moved within the last two months. And I moved in with roommates! Fiercely independent and introverted, I'm the last person who ever thought I'd live with roommates again, but I'm really enjoying it. Living alone for so long was wearing on me and making me feel so lonely and empty. And now I'm living with two other people who are not only incredible friends, but who also share my passion for health and fitness. The energy in our house is positively wonderful, and it's comforting to feel like part of a "family," regardless of how unconventional. One of my roommates is Fabian, the trainer that helped guide me to change my life and that I've mentioned in so many other posts. I never dreamed that when I met him a year ago, that we'd end up sharing the same address only one year later! Life is so weird. My other roommate, Jane, became an instant friend when I met her. She is also a client of Fabian's, and she has also quit her job to become a trainer.

My life is truly unconventional. At 34 years of age, maybe I'm doing things a little backwards, or maybe I'm a late bloomer, but I wouldn't change a thing. I'm happy. It took a whole lot of shaking things up and getting uncomfortable to get where I am, but I'm eternally grateful for finding the courage and strength to change my life.

Boarding the Crazy Train

Okay so I've thought of approximately one million clever post titles involving the word, "train." This time, however, I'm not writing about my experience as a personal trainer, but rather about my experience with my own intense training program. I've come a long way since this post about my initial sessions with my trainer, Fabian, and I'm excited (if not just a little terrified) to see where I'm heading.

During the months since my last post about my training, I've been making my way through various phases of a strength program in order to be developed into the best athlete I can be. Each phase is more difficult than the last, and each causes me to reevaluate my sanity. The latest and most intense phase will be kicking my running action into high gear so that I will ultimately be prepared for the Hot Chocolate 15k race here in Chicago in November. The program consists of a 90 minute torso strength workout, a 90 minute lower body strength workout, and a 60 minute arm strength workout. As if that doesn't sound crazy enough, I also have to incorporate various prescribed running workouts 6 days a week. And I'm hell bent on squeezing yoga in there too. It's a good thing I work in a gym, eh?

I'm not sure how I'm going to pull this off, but I'm determined to do so. I've been warned that this level of training is going to "fuck with my head," so I need to prepare for the mental abuse. In fact, Fabian has also prescribed reading materials to help me through the mental hurdles.

As I've gradually begun to take this type of training more seriously, I've had to give up things that I love, and begin incorporating things that I don't love so much. For example, I've (mostly) given up alcohol. Because alcohol takes precedence over other nutrients in the body while being digested, it's best if I avoid it while my muscles recover from these workouts. I've also given up coffee, which nearly brings me to tears as I type this. Even though I work out a ton, I've been having trouble sleeping for a long time. Apparently, caffeine gets in the way of the recovery of my nervous system after an intense workout. Although it was a hard habit to break, I'm not nearly as tired as I thought I'd be during the day, and I'm sleeping soooo much better. Also, I used to eat meat (only prepared at a restaurant) once or twice a week. Now, despite my grimaces due to being grossed out from squishy raw flesh, I've morphed into a serious carnivore and am preparing meat for every meal in order to obtain the various amino acids to aid in my muscle repair and development.

That's another thing - I have to eat soooo much! And just when I think I'm eating enough, I'm told to eat more. Eating like an Olympian is time consuming and expensive. I'm hungry in under two hour intervals, and it's as if my metabolism is an infant that will start throwing a fit if I'm not readily prepared with a bottle to tame it. You must be confused as to how this is a problem. But keeping up with my warp speed metabolic rate is really exhausting, y'all! And it's not like I'm eating pizza and ice cream any time I want. It's ALL healthy grub. (Nutella straight out of the jar is considered healthy, right?)

Fabian is also super hard on me, and while my first instinct is to get defensive (a hard habit to break, I'm finding), I have to remember that he's only trying to drill things into my head, and so I need to shut up and listen. And while it drives me absolutely fucking crazy when he gives me 900 million instructions only to follow up by saying yelling "Don't think about it!," I know he's just trying to get me out of my head, which is my biggest problem in all areas of my life. I'm slowly learning not to take his strict coaching personally, but it's difficult. But I know he believes in me. And I also know that his belief in me doesn't mean squat unless I believe in myself.

And speaking of squat, I have the nastiest bruises on my thighs from using my hip power to lift nearly 75% of my body weight! Ouch! I generated zero sympathy when I brought this to Fabian's attention, so I'm also learning to shut up and silently deal with the war wounds.

So by now you must think I'm nuts. I mean, I sort of do. I feel as if I'm training for the Olympics yet there is no pot of gold medals at the end of this rainbow. So why the fuck am I doing this? Why would I give up some of my favorite simple pleasures, stuff my face with food I don't entirely enjoy, and voluntarily allow myself to get screamed at just to become a better runner?

Well, for me it's not just about becoming a "better runner." It's about working to become a better version of myself every day. It's about consistently moving forward instead of being stuck in the same place. And vowing to be better today than I was yesterday requires an intense amount of discipline.

Fabian says that coaching me through this type of training is an experiment for him. But it's an experiment for me too, dammit. For most of my life I have let fear, doubt, and the self-manifested negative perceptions of myself control my life. Yes, I recently made a career change, which was incredibly brave, and for which I'm truly proud, but the only way I'll be successful with my new career is if I learn to believe in myself, face my fears, and rise to challenges every day. Additionally, the only way I'll ever finally find myself in a successful relationship is if I can be mentally strong enough to demand respect and fully believe that I deserve it.

What I'm hoping to get out of this training (in addition to a sick race time!) is the ability to push through barriers without thinking twice. I think this training can get me there. It may break me down, but I'll get stronger as I repair and rebuild - not unlike the physical characteristics of our muscles becoming stronger.

"If you're facing your fears, then you're pointed in the right direction" - heard on a Nike commercial during the Olympics

The TRAINsition

(Ha ha, get it? Trainsition?)

Anyway...

My blog! My poor, neglected blog! How I've missed you!

Turns out, life changes are all-consuming and leave time for little else. However, after officially putting in three full weeks at the gym, I was finally able to make time for myself, friends, and now my blog this weekend. Not that I don't have a million things left on my To Do list. But, today I gave my body permission to decompress, even though my brain still hasn't fully been able to do so since I started my new gig.

Speaking of which, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE BEING A PERSONAL TRAINER!! I'm so passionate about helping members and tailoring programs specific to their needs. Fortunately, the act of training has come very natural to me, and I can't get enough of it. Making people sweat and challenging them to perform tasks they previously thought they weren't capable of is extremely rewarding. And the eye rolls I get during a training session only serve as confirmation that I'm doing my job correctly. Currently, I have two "regular" clients, which is amazing so early in the game, but I'm hoping to gain more clients through the consultations and prospecting sessions I've been performing.

I went into my new gig willing to expect the unexpected, and I've definitely had to deal with situations I never dreamed possible from working at a gym. For example, I check my work email obsessively. I never would have done this at my previous job. In fact, my brain seemed to block out any thoughts of my previous job when I wasn't there, but now I can't shut my brain off when I'm not at the gym and find myself dreaming of exercise program design every night. The communicating, scheduling, and organization is also very overwhelming to me and I find myself performing "administrative duties" even when I'm at home - another job aspect that I'd refuse to do for my previous employer. But, I'm extremely passionate about my new career, so I don't mind all the extra work in addition to training people. In fact, a teacher I had a consultation with last week told me she could see how passionate I am about my job.

Additionally, the people I've met so far are amazing! Whereas I felt so isolated in my last job, constantly hiding in my cube and flying under the radar if I knew what was good for me, now I'm encouraged to make friends with members, clients, and coworkers. And after nine years of isolation, I've re-learned that people are fascinating! I've met a pianist, a federal investigator, a children's therapist, a singer/actress, just to name a few. And my coworkers are incredible! I laugh so much on a daily basis, but besides the goofing off, they have all been so supportive and helpful.

It's not all rainbows and puppies, though. I'm still dealing with uncertainty regarding my career change, especially regarding my income, but so far, I regret nothing and am enjoying every second. Not to say that things have been easy! The first week was especially tough as I was desperately trying to become acclimated to a completely different lifestyle than I was used to. I was a ball of emotions - both good and bad - and found myself crying multiple times a day. Incidentally, the last week of the Olympics coincided with my first week at the gym, and every inspirational story about an athlete or even an inspirational commercial spun me into a flurry of uncontrollable tears. In fact, I think it was the Nike slogan, "If you're facing your fears, then you're heading in the right direction" that really made me lose my mind.

But, despite the uncertainty and dramatic lifestyle change, I wake up every day and choose to think positively, push through the challenges, and trust that everything will work out just fine. I choose to believe that I will be extremely successful. And because of this thought process, every single day gets better.

The Hot and Cold Game

For the last several years, so much of my brain space has been occupied with finding my purpose in life. And despite running into so many road blocks along the way, always trusting that there is a reason for everything that happens has helped guide me throughout my journey.

Over the years I've been constantly asking myself the following questions: What is my highest truth? Where is my highest good? How to I express my greatest love? In my attempts to find these answers, I've often felt like I've been playing the "hot and cold" game with God. It's as if every time I've had a thought or have made a move regarding my future, God has been telling me "lukewarm, cold, colder, FREEZING." Or, "warm, warmer, hot, hotter, BURNING!"

For instance, two years ago when I decided I wanted to channel my empathetic nature into a new career, God led me down a path far enough for me to confirm my suspicions that helping people is most certainly what I love to do. You're getting warm... warmer. In my pursuit to become a teacher a few years ago, I realized just how hard I'm capable of working, and how dedicated and committed I am to my goals. Hot, hotter! But then God halted me in my tracks just before I was about to become a teacher. Cold... FREEZING! Despite the disappointment of working so hard only to eventually fail, I chose to be thankful for the lessons I learned during the process, and to trust that I would be steered in a new direction.

And, in fact, becoming a mentor two years ago made me realize that working one on one with someone is much more up my alley than working with many people at the same time, which would have made me miserable as a teacher. Lukewarm... warm. I've had time in the last two years to come to terms with the fact that I'm an introvert, and therefore I don't do well under pressure, and that I'm better when I'm the one in control and mapping out what is going to happen next. Warmer... And I realized, with regards to pursuing a new career, how much I'm not willing to sacrifice regarding the things that matter most to me in life: family, friends, and fitness. Getting warmer... hot!

After so much contemplation and fostering the courage to squelch my fears, I decided to act on my civil liberty to pursue happiness by pursuing a career that would represent my biggest passion - fitness. Hotter... And after passing my personal training exam this past weekend, I know that personal training is what I'm meant to do. That fitness is my purpose. Hot!... BURNING! 

God gave me a gift, and although it took me a while to unwrap, I'm eternally grateful for it and I can't wait to get in the gym and share it with my clients.

10 Year Chicagoversary

In honor of my looming 10 Year Anniversary of living in Chicago, I'm enlisting the help of a guest blogger: Myself! 10 years ago!

Here are some excerpts from my journal entries recorded by 23-year-old Steph during the first few months of life in the Big City. Re-reading these after so many years has reminded me (perhaps now more than ever) that maintaining faith and "pushing through" despite fear and self-doubt are crucial for acheiving your biggest goals. Enjoy.

Oh wait! First, some background information: Immediately upon visiting Chicago for the first time for New Year's Eve 2001, I was smitten with the city. Even though I had always planned to move to NYC after college graduation, I knew after just one visit that Chicago was where I belonged. So, after graduation, I moved back in with my parents and got a job at a car dealership, a bar, and a tanning salon that doubled as a laundromat (that place was exactly as weird as it sounds. Ohio thing, I guess). Anyway, I told myself that I had one year to work as hard as I could to save as much money as I could so I could move to Chicago. And in exactly one year (to the day!) from starting my job at the dealership, I quit all my jobs. So one morning in May of 2002 my Dad drove me, my clothes, and an air mattress to Chicago. He literally dropped me off, and headed right back home to Ohio. My nephew's uncle, Jason, was living in Chicago at the time and graciously offered for me to temporarily crash at the apartment where he and his two roommates lived.

Thursday, May 30, 2002
Subject: What the Hell Am I Doing?

Well, I am in Chicago. I did it. I made it. So why do I feel so lousy???

Well, the fact is, I may not be here for long if I don't find a job. I had a terrible experience my first full day in the city. I went to a job interview that turned out to be one big disaster. It was definitely a "heads up" though. A total reality check. It turned out to be some employment agency that lures people in by making them think they are applying for some glamorous job. I was ready, willing, and confident to put on a great show, but I didn't have to. Instead, I was made to take spelling and typing tests to prove my worth. Turned out, according to those tests, I'm not worth much. But for reasons beyond me, the woman thought if I took all those tests over, then I would have what it takes to be a paralegal. A what?!?! Excuse me? Where did that come from??? After only knowing me for 15 minutes, she "knew" that was my destiny. I felt so pressured, so forced, so "I want to be anywhere but here." I know it was simply her job to fill a position, but at the expense of my misery? After over 2 hours of agony and rapidly plummeting confidence, I bolted.

Two more lessons I've learned since I got here.... okay three: Never buy bottled water and diet coke on the same day when walking to the grocery store. Never buy shoes and walk many miles in them the first day they are purchased. And finally, if I go out to eat by myself, always bring reading material.

These are some things that no one has taught me so far. I guess trial and error is the best and only way to really learn the city. Tomorrow's big adventure is the subway on my own. EEEEEEEEEK!!!!!

I don't believe I have ever been homesick like this before. I really miss my family and all of the comforts of home. I really miss my brother. I can't even call my family without getting all choked up. Right now, I could say that I want to go home. I want to get the hell out of this foreign city and just go home. Home. Where I am comfortable. Where I am loved. Where I speak more than once a day. I am so lonely! In a city filled with millions of interesting people, I am so alone. So isolated. And I have no money!!!! What was I thinking? What am I doing? I don't belong here!

Okay, calm down. I am in a brand new fucking city. Of course I don't feel like I fit in. I just need to give it a chance. I have never been so scared. But I just need to give it a chance. I know I will love it once I get used to things. I need to be more positive and quit being so intimidated. I already feel like everyone else is better than I am. I feel as if I am in high school all over again. 

I'll get over it. Things will get better. I will be okay. I have to be. I want to be.

Sunday, June 30, 2002
Subject: It's Wanting What You've Got

Well it has been exactly one month since I last wrote and so much has changed. I really love Chicago. I am so much more comfortable with the area and the way things work around here. I still do not have a job though, which has been a pain in the ass. I also am still staying at Jason's house, where I have completely invaded his space. Totally took over his bedroom. I met a friend named Chloe. She is the coolest! I have had so much fun getting to know her and I am convinced I'd be lost without her. I have also been spending time with Maia and Leah. Super fun girls. Super glad I have them as well. I have already had some pretty crazy evenings since I have been in Chicago. I needed all that. No regrets. I miss home. I miss it a lot. But all I have to do is remember why I left, and then I am proud to be in the city. This place is great. So much to do. But if I don't find a job soon (I think I am close), then I am outta here. I am running out of money so quickly. I am temping right now, but it isn't exactly raking in the dough. I am so longing for a place of my own. I need my privacy. I really do. All I have wanted my whole life was my very own apartment. My very own. Well, hopefully next time I write, I will be employed. And then the time after that, I will have signed a lease to my very own studio!!!! Well, Chloe and I are going to do laundry right now so I better go. I really wish I had been documenting my time all along, but I am glad I had these few minutes to catch up.

Monday, July 8, 2002
Subject: None

I went to church today. Just something I really felt the need to do. In a desperate search for some spiritual guidance, I ignored my need to sleep in this morning and went to visit God.

The message wasn't as enlightening as I had hoped, but it did help some. I am not really sure what message I was seeking. I guess I was really looking for God to tell me what the next step is. I am so confused. Moving to Chicago has without a doubt been the hardest and most confusing time in my life. I honestly never know how I am going to live one day to the next. I am so anxious and unsettled. Depressed, depressed, soooo damn depressed. I just want to know that everything will be okay, that everything IS okay. I guess I can just pray and pray and pray. And actively engage myself as much as possible.

I am really hoping that the next time I journal, I will have so much positive energy to share.

Thursday, July 9, 2002
Subject: I Want to Soak Up the Sun

Okay, so I am writing again - but without any "I got a job" news. How come it used to be so easy??? Ugh!!! So discouraged. Wouldn't be so discouraging if I weren't on a freaking time limit... or broke. Seriously broke. Getting verrrrrrry desperate!!! Will sell my body. Okay, yea right. But I'm not beyond that. Ugh!

Had a wonderful experience with God today. Realized he was speaking, I just wasn't listening. Very enlightening day with God. Thank You.

Tuesday, July 16, 2002
Subject: I'll Be There...

I am soooooooooo running up the bill on Jason's Kinko's card right now. Oh well, he offered. How terrible!

Anyway, I have an interview tomorrow. I am trying not to tell too many people because I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them shot down. :( That has happened way too much already. I want to believe that my whole life does not depend on tomorrow's interview, but in a way, it does. It is the ONLY thing I really have in the works right now although I have been faxing resumes like crazy. $60 worth just today, in fact. I REALLY cannot afford to do that anymore.

So Chloe is the best. I am so glad I met her. She is so what Janet was to me my freshman year of college. As much as I think I am independent, I really need a supportive girl friend behind me. Not only does she help me, but it feels good for me to help her. Just today Chloe reflected on a bit of "wisdom" I offered earlier this week and I was proud that I was able to make her "think." Feels good.

I'm also having a really good time with the guys in the house. I am really beginning to let my guard down (finally after 2 months!!) and it feels so liberating. I am letting my humorous side slip out without reservation. They are finally beginning to see ME! ..... still adamant about living on my own though :)

Anyway, I should head back, it's getting dark. I really hope I get this job tomorrow. I love Chicago. This is my dream. And even though the position is for reception, I could never really hate it. No way will I EVER take another job for granted after going through this trying experience!!!! What a lesson. There is always a lesson. That is life.... and I won't complain :) :) :)

Thursday, July 18, 2002
Subject: Big Dreams Just Need Big Hearts

Well, this is the journal entry I have been waiting to write for a very long time. I GOT A JOB!!!! I am not sure if I could be any happier. I have been beaming all morning long. All of the hard work, all of the lessons -  it has all been worth it. I really had to learn a lot before I was just handed my dream. I am so glad I did. God has everybody learn in their own way, and God taught me the way I needed to be taught. These past two months have been the hardest months of my life, but I would not trade the learning experience for anything. It was just the kick in the pants I needed.

I am still having trouble believing all of this is real. It just seems so fabulous to me right now. I am so happy!

I think the biggest lesson I have learned is that, "with God, all things are possible." I would never be where I am right now if I didn't look to God for strength. God taught me that I had to believe in myself first and foremost. I finally get it!

I am so about learning. Never stop learning. I may have overcome one huge obstacle, but I will never stop pursuing and dreaming. And I sure will be happy doing so. I am sincerely proud of myself. I am really, truly proud of myself. I did it! I made it! I love the world...

A million Thank Yous...........

To Excel is to Exceed Expecations

"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing." - Ron Swanson from the TV show Parks and Recreation

***

There is a six-mile running trail located within one of the many parks near my parent's house in Ohio that I try to run every time I visit them. Much of the trail is encased in a cathedral of trees, and the most prominent sounds come from the gushing river, or the critters that make their home within nature's bounty. The path is tranquil, calming, and beautiful. It's a place on earth where I feel closest to God and my truest self. Also, it's one hell of a hilly challenge.

The running path may be six miles long, but the first time my Dad drove me to the starting point a couple years ago, I told him I was only going to run the first three miles, and requested that he pick me up in about a half hour. My Dad asked me if I was certain that I would only run three miles, and after a slight pause, I assured him that thirty minutes was all the time I needed.

Something changed while I was running, though. Not only was the run both extremely challenging and exhilarating, but I couldn't imagine giving up once I hit the three mile mark. Suddenly, I was hell bent on running the whole six miles, and it felt amazing to push myself and break through the limitations that only I had set for myself.

Upon completing the six miles, I fully expected my Dad to be pissed at me for making him wait in the parking area for an extra half hour. Instead, I saw my Dad's jeep pulling into the parking lot only as I was crossing the "finish line." I immediately asked him why he wasn't already there when I had told him that I'd only need a half hour. He replied with, "I know how you are. I saw the look in your eyes before you got out of the car, and I knew you'd run the whole thing."

***

I've noticed a common reaction to telling people -not including my friends & family- that I'm going into personal fitness training. People react, for example, by asking me if personal training will be a "side job" for me, or a way to make "extra" money. My swift and adamant reply is, "NO!"

I realize that people who don't know me all that well are simply surprised by someone making such a dramatic career change, but the question gets me riled up anyway, because I would not be pouring my whole self into working toward this new career if I didn't feel that I wholeheartedly wanted to make it a top priority in my life.

Yes, I'm fully aware that there will be struggles, especially at first, but how am I supposed to work through those struggles if I'm not focused on dedicating most of my time to overcoming the hurdles? And I couldn't do that if I remained stuck in an office 40 hours a week and chose to do personal training "on the side."

Although I loathe my current occupation, pursuing this career change does not mean that I'm simply pursuing a "means to an end." In fact, I feel incredibly blessed to have found a way to turn my passion into my profession. But I also know that by doing so, a lot of time and hard work is required to excel, and to exceed the expectations of myself and others.

I will never plan to run only three of the six miles on that trail in Ohio ever again, and I will never plan to "half-ass" any major goal I set for myself.