Back to the Present

I have a lot of trouble being "present" or "in the moment." As much as I practice yoga or practice redirecting my brain from ruminating, more often than not I find my mind drifting to events of the past or anxiously peering into a future riddled with uncertainty. In other words, my brain is usually anywhere but "here." It has dawned on me that when I do look back on my life though, I wish I would have appreciated whatever I was going through at any particular time, good or bad, but especially good. It has dawned on me that I take a lot of cool stuff about my life for granted.

I recently had a conversation with my BFF about how doing laundry really makes me feel like I have my shit together. I gushed to him that something about the cleansing, the folding, the organizing and putting away that makes me feel like I really have everything in line. He commented in response to my passionate rant about domestic chores, "But you do have your shit together. You're just too busy always comparing yourself to others." OMG. TOTES. If I just remembered to pause and realize that I'm exactly where I need to be right now at this time in my life, I'd be a whole lot happier and less anxious about my circumstances.

It's like I purposely avoid eye contact with the present moment, even though the present moment is really the only thing that ever matters. Nothing lasts forever, good or bad, and no one is truly stuck anywhere, so why would I ever let my happiness be compromised by external circumstances that aren't permanent anyway?

Bear with me for this next sentence, but I think that by looking into the future to look back at the present as the past, I'd find a lot more happiness, and would express far more gratitude to God for my life. An example of this came to me this week as I thought about how as a kid I used to vacation in North Carolina with my family during summertime for two whole weeks. For the love. TWO WHOLE WEEKS! I didn't quite appreciate my good fortune too much at the time, but holy shit if I knew back then that spending two weeks at the coast would nearly be impossible for me as an adult, I might have eaten more ice cream cones while walking along the beach. I might have spent an extra hour every day with my toes in the sand. I definitely would have shown more gratitude toward my parents for blessing me with such an incredible opportunity every summer of my already awesome childhood.

Obviously, being an adult is a bit different though, because life is more about responsibility and not always about fun. There are plenty of ups and downs and plenty of times where I let the downs take over my life. But I tend to look back at various times during my adult life in Chicago when I thought I wasn't happy and realize that I still had it really good. So I don't understand why I don't embrace and appreciate my current circumstances a little more. This is my life. It's happening. But I tend not to wholly appreciate my life until I can only reflect upon moments that have passed. Even the not-so-rosy experiences only exist to teach me, and although I know deep down that rocky roads make me stronger, it's so easy to forget and get incredibly frustrated when things aren't going my way.

My current life situation is that I'm 35 years old and living with roommates, which isn't as easy or as comfortable as living solo, and at times I get so worked up about it that I feel as if my emotional well being is teetering on the edge of a cliff. Additionally, my career as a personal trainer is completely exhausting and time consuming, and I make very little money to show for my relentless hard work. I'll admit that I get annoyed by my life sometimes. Okay, I get annoyed a lot of times. But, why? What's the point? When I force myself to look at the big picture, or as I mentioned previously, when I force myself to "look into the future to look back at the present as the past," I immediately remember that I'm truly blessed because I LOVE my career, and I'm getting by just fine, so I shouldn't worry about not making a ton of money. Also, I LOVE paying cheap rent. I LOVE living with my BFF. And I deeply value the opportunity to reside in an international household (my other roommate is Taiwanese and my BFF and his parents - who live downstairs - are Chilean). My situation works. For now, that is. Living with roommates won't be forever, and I may not have the good fortune to be a trainer forever, so why not just enjoy my life for what it is right now?

When I stop comparing myself to others and really pause to take in the moment, I realize that I'm lucky beyond measure. I need to spend more time appreciating my crazy life situations at any point in time for what they are right here and right now, and take pleasure in the fact that whatever I'm experiencing is just another step in the path of the unconventional life that I'm so happy I chose to lead over a traditional one. My life is never boring. Never. How amazing and fortunate for me! I need to remember that it's pointless to stress about what I haven't yet accomplished in life when I know in my heart that if I want something bad enough, I WILL make it happen. And for crying out loud, I need to let today be today... This hour be this hour... This minute be this minute. And in this moment, I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude.

Intention Retention

In reference to my previous post, I had an immeasurable amount of success with "setting my intention" for the entire week last week. Not only did I stick with it, but I've been inspired to set a weekly intention going forward.

I'll admit that staying focused last week wasn't always easy. There was a time or two when I'd catch myself ruminating about one thing or another, and I would then need to remind myself, "For crying out loud, Steph! Stay in the F@#$ing moment!" I also found myself repeating the words, "positive thoughts and outcomes, positive thoughts and outcomes" quite a bit, which has carried over into this week as well.

Setting my intention for the week was an excellent experiment, and the experience really drove home the fact that our good fortune is mostly a result of our good intentions. And while it's crucial to have faith and trust in the process of life, it's crucial to passionately engage in that process too.

On a partially related note, a couple weekends ago I was having dinner with my closest friends, and I agreed to share a bottle of Evolution wine with one of my best girls, Jennie, after she very enthusiastically discovered it on the menu and told me it was her absolute favorite. Upon consuming my half, I agreed that it was indeed very delicious. So delicious, in fact, that last weekend I checked to see if it is sold at Target. Much to my delight, it is!

Upon scooping up a bottle from the shelf and reading the label, I discovered that Evolution wine is a combination of several different types of white wines. The creators named it "Evolution" because they tried & tested, mixed & matched, and built one upon the other until they reached a flavor so magnificent that they deemed it fit to share with the world.

The label also notes that the creators of Evolution wine shun the idea that dumb luck is responsible for the successful outcome, and instead tout the intention of their masterpiece. And as you can probably guess, I instantly decided it was a sign to buy a bottle as a reward for setting my own intentions to evolve.

Good Intentions

I know I talk about yoga a lot in my blog, but it really is the one time during my week when I'm not only forced to slow down and be absolutely focused for an entire hour and fifteen minutes, but it's also the one place where the lessons I learn can be applied to nearly every other aspect of my life.

This morning I'm thinking about "setting my intention," just as we are told to set our intention prior to each yoga class. I'm pretty good about picking a different intention in yoga each week, such as focusing on strength, or confidence, or balance, etc. And I'm really good about concentrating on that intention for the entire duration of the class, but I just wish that my good intentions for yoga followed me outside of the studio more often than not.

So, instead of limiting myself to setting an intention for approximately one hour, once a week, I thought I'd set an intention for the entire week, which is simply "to have a very good week."

 I realize that statement is quite broad, so here is a detailed outline regarding what is currently on my mind:

a.) I will focus on positive thoughts and outcomes. 
b.) I will do whatever I have to do to bring myself up whenever I catch myself feeling down and not super confident.
c.) I will not "cheat myself" during any part of my workouts this week - no matter how painful they may be!
d.) I will not ruminate about my job dissatisfaction, and will instead remember to make the best of a not-so-perfect situation.
e.) I will remember to count my blessings and be thankful for what I already have and for the wonderful people in my life.
f.) I will focus on remembering the fact that "pushing through" set-backs and challenges is a big part of being successful.

I just had to re-read this list 900 times, if only to let these intentions really sink in. The items on this list sound nice and all, but they mean nothing if I don't actually believe them and keep them in the forefront of my brain. Maybe I should create flash cards or something and memorize them since that method worked so well for studying in college?

Anyway, whether positive or negative, "self-fulfilling prophecy" is a very powerful idea, and I truly believe that one can positively alter their experiences based on the personal decision to proceed through life with a passion for great expectations.

Departing Rumination Station

A lot of strength is required to admit a personal weakness.

And discovering a flaw about yourself only to realize that it has always been a part of you can be quite startling, not to mention, humbling.

Or, maybe you have always been somewhat aware that you harbored a certain weakness, but you didn't think it was too big of a deal until it became a real problem.

Regardless, sometimes that newly unearthed flaw reveals itself to you (or you are reminded of it) exactly at a point when it's not only absolutely necessary for you to see it, but when you are open and honest enough with yourself to recognize it.

I recently read an article about the unhealthy habit of "ruminating." The basic meaning of this word is "to mull something over" .... and over and over again, with no resolution or end in sight.

As I was reading the article, my jaw dropped, I gasped, and I nodded my head in agreement (Ok, not really, but I was that dramatic in my head) because I was immediately hit with the fact that I'm extremely guilty of this habit! I irrationally dwell on the past, am often indecisive about the present, and I stress about the future! I mean, I know I've always been susceptible to over-analyzing and "thinking too much," but according to the article, "ruminating" serves zero purpose, can be emotionally harmful, and can even prevent one from moving forward in life, not unlike running on a treadmill without an "off" button.

The caveat to being a highly reflective being, I suppose, is harboring an unnecessary proclivity for rumination.

It is now perfectly obvious to me that there is a fine line between the healthy act of examining life, as the philosopher Socrates famously encouraged, and teetering on the edge of falling so deeply into your head that you struggle to climb back out of it.

Therefore, going forward, I vow to concentrate more on living in the moment. Sounds easy, right? Just let it all go like tossing confetti into the air? What a liberating thought! But for this overactive mind, it's simply not that simple. So, how does one really stop the destructive cycle of "rumination?"

Like any bad habit, it's nearly impossible to flip a switch to shut it off. But, there are several ongoing methods that work for me in my perpetual struggle to be truly present in every moment:

Yoga Lessons for The Real World  
Like the message I often hear from instructors while practicing yoga, "if you catch your mind wandering, concentrate on your breathing to bring yourself back to the present."

So often I find myself in a difficult yoga pose, and the second my concentration wanes, I lose my balance. The very same thing happens to me outside of the yoga studio when I'm not trying to hold Warrier 3, and the simple act of focusing on my breathing helps me to regain control of my thoughts.

Blogging/Journaling
Blogging and writing in my journal is a great way to purge the clutter in my head. I find that once those thoughts are dispensed and organized in a clear and concise manner, I feel refreshed and relieved. Don't get me wrong - whatever subject I write about remains important to me, it's just that once those thoughts are released into the Bloggosphere, they no longer fruitlessly and frustratingly tumble around in my noggin.

Ending Each Day on a Positive Note
Per my #9 goal from my 2012 Bucket List, I've been dutifully noting in my planner one positive aspect from each day. 18 days into the new year, and this goal has already made a huge impact on me! It's amazing how much more you are able to appreciate every single day as it comes when you force yourself to reflect on just one positive aspect, however seemingly small.

And finally,

Jewelry
No, I don't mean using retail therapy as a way to distract me from wayward thoughts. Incidentally, the day I began working on this post I had dinner with mis tres amigas favoritas that night, and they surprised me with a necklace they purchased for me after being inspired by this blog post.

The charm with the "?" represents dealing with uncertainty.
The garnet charm represents "vitality, courage, passion, and love."
The smoky quartz charm "calms and help manifest dreams."
The iolite charm "opens the mind, helps one to stay in the moment."

Megan, Sara & Jennie appeared in my life when I was dealing with severe uncertainty and needing true friends the most. Along with their friendship, the meaning behind this necklace will serve as a continuous reminder to live in the moment, to be encouraged by my passions, and be grateful for my tremendous blessings, which largely includes my best girls.

2012 Bucket List

"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake." - Henry David Thoreau

My mind is constantly swirling with goals, dreams, and the constant quest to learn and grow. I'm excited to begin a new year working to achieve goals, turn dreams into realities, and evolve into a better me. Also, because one of my biggest fears is boredom, and because setting so many different goals in 2010 led me down paths I never fathomed I'd cross, I'm beginning 2012 with a whole new list of goals. Some small, some big, but I'm hoping that working to achieve each of these will contribute to making 2012 one of the best years yet!

12 Goals for 2012

1. Run a half marathon. Oh boy. I had to pause several times before typing this. I've always made fun of anyone who would ever want to run for longer than an hour, but here I am, setting this ridiculous goal.


2. Go to the Green Mill at least once this year, even if it's by myself. I love jazz, and nothing is more "Chicago" to me than the Green Mill. It quickly became one of my most favorite places in the city soon after I moved to Chicago, and yet I've only been there once since moving just blocks from the place.


3. Read all of the unread books on my bookshelf.


4. Attend Sunrise Yoga on Montrose Beach at least once this summer - because not many people can roll out of bed, walk to a beach, and practice yoga while watching the sun rise over the lake. The challenge for me, you see, is getting up at 6:00am on a Saturday.


5. Beat my 5k PR and beat my 8k PR. 


6. Partake in a new volunteer opportunity. 


7. Learn to cook something really challenging. I've really developed my cooking skills since setting a goal to make 3 new recipes a few years ago. I cook for myself weekly, and I even bake mostly from scratch now. But I want to see what I can do with something that would totally take me out of my comfort zone.


8. Learn how to "stand up paddle board" - because I want a cool reason to utilize all the core strength for which I work so hard!


9. Document one positive aspect about each day. This idea came from my brother. He coaches high school golf, and when he noticed a pattern of his players getting down on themselves and being extremely negative regarding their abilities, he had them each start a journal documenting one positive thing they did each day. So, although I'm not a negative person, I'm still going to record one positive aspect daily in my planner for 365 days, and then I'll create a post at the end of the year listing them.


10. Work out more than 223 days - which is what I accomplished in 2011. I want to beat that number only because I like competing against myself!


11. Take a vacation. I don't care where or how long/short, I just want to go someplace I've never been.


12. Lastly, I'd like to be a better friend. This includes making an effort to see friends in Ohio when I'm there. Life is too short to keep letting years go by without spending time with people who have made a significant positive impact on my life. Oh and, um, if the opportunity arises, I'd like to be a pretty awesome girlfriend.

2011 Year in Review

Over the course of my youth, I spent a lot of time my bedroom watching Style with Elsa Klensch. During the runway portions of the show, my eyes were glued to my tiny 10-inch TV. But when Ms. Klensch  interviewed designers, I'd busy myself with sketching my own couture creations on paper fastened to a clip board that I propped up on my lap with a pillow. However, I keenly recall one interview with a designer that caused me to look up from whatever masterpiece I was creating. Ms. Klensch was interviewing Donna Karan, and Ms. Karan was talking about how her positive attitude helped make her successful. I remember her discussing her penchant for always looking at the bright side of things, and she uttered something like, "If the ceiling caved in, I'd probably think, 'Well, I have always wanted a skylight.'" I've never forgotten that sentiment, and I believe her philosophy has influenced my own life.

As 2011 wraps up and I reflect back upon my year, I'm realizing that despite the grandiose goals I set last January, which I subsequently failed to achieve, I'm coming out of this year stronger and happier than ever. There were some highs, a few lows, but even the lows from this year turned out to be good things once I viewed them at a different angle.

One highlight from 2011 was discovering a passion for yoga. While I've been a faithful and consistent gym member for nearly six years, I'd always neglected yoga. But I went to a class last January and have been smitten ever since. I now try to incorporate yoga into my regimen at least once a week. Through yoga, I've learned how to stay calm and implore deep breathing in challenging situations. I've also learned to celebrate my successes and forgive my failures, which are lessons I now rely on heavily outside of the yoga studio.

On a related note, I joined a new gym a few months ago that has already proven to be one of the best decisions I've ever made. Although I loved my last gym, I was quickly sold on the fact that the new gym is less expensive and has a rooftop pool!!! But more than that, I happened to meet a wonderful personal trainer who has already challenged me beyond what I believed I could do. I've always been pretty good at pushing myself, but having someone else push me is a new experience for me that is just what I need at this point in my life. Working out is one of my favorite things to do, and the gym is one of my favorite places to be, so discovering that it is possible to enjoy it even more has definitely been a highlight of 2011.

Additionally, my passion for volunteering has grown tremendously this year! Although mentoring takes up a good chunk of my time, I still often feel that "I'm not doing enough," and am constantly compelled to do more. So, I began volunteering at House of the Good Shepherd in September, which is a domestic violence shelter for mothers and their children, and I've been helping out there several times a month because I'm so drawn to their cause. In fact, I had a holiday party last Saturday and requested that each guest bring an item to donate to HGS in lieu of bringing food for the party. My friends' generosity went above and beyond any expectations I had, and now I need to find a way to haul the loot to the facility. This is a very good problem to have. But while I really enjoy volunteering at HGS, nothing really compares to the bond I've created and nurtured with my mentee, which you can read more about in this post. By the time 2011 is officially over, I will have officially put in 167.67 volunteer hours since January. The world doesn't treat me better because I do good things, but I don't expect it to do so. I choose to volunteer because I truly believe that I have a responsibility on this planet to contribute to those in need.

A "low" that I now see as a "high" was finding out I needed to cancel my plans to go to Italy and drop $5k on a dental treatment, which I'm certain you are all sick of hearing about by now. This was devastating news when I found out, but I'm not devastated. In fact, because I was already saving for Italy, I had enough money to pay for the procedure and didn't need to use too much of my savings. Oh, and by the way, although my last post said I'd be getting my new tooth last Monday, I found out instead that I needed to wait two more weeks. But, what's two weeks after three months? I've really mastered the fine art of patience in 2011, and if patience were an Olympic event, I'd bring home gold. I did get a "permanent temporary," though, so at least no more retainer. 5 more days...deep breath...5...more...days...

Another "low" that I now see as a "high" was my computer crashing in June, right about the same time I found out about my tooth. I lost four years worth of journals and countless photos. The upside to this is that I know a guy who knows a guy who knows how to fix computers. Thankfully, I live in Chicago, where everyone "knows a guy." I paid a mere 50 bucks for Mr. Guy (I seriously don't even know his name) to totally rebuild my computer, and now it's like brand new. But while my 'puter was out of service, I basically began substituting journaling with blogging (at work, shhh). Through journaling in my blog, I've exposed my very honest thoughts and very real flaws. But I believe that being open and vulnerable in a public space has translated to my life outside of the blogosphere, as I've realized that the more open and authentic I am, the more people wonderful people I'm able to allow into my life.

Although I didn't find myself traveling down a new career path, and even though I couldn't go to Italy or haven't yet fallen in love with Mr. Right-For-Me, I still managed to have a pretty decent year. I created wonderful memories with friends and family, and isn't that the most important stuff in life anyway? Don't get me wrong - I'm still hell bent on achieving these goals. And after the tremendous amount of learning and growing I accomplished in 2011, I feel armed with the tools to take on 2012 and make it the best year yet.