When I started this blog nearly 7 years ago, I was a naive 31 year old trying to get my voice heard in a big city full of big personalities. Being loud wasn't my thing, but I found out that writing was. I think back to the person I was almost 7 years ago and I think about how that girl was more of a child than a grown ass woman - a "late-bloomer," if you will. Truth be told, I still tend to relate to women 10 years younger than me, as proved by the fact that most of my clients are 27 year old women. Intelligent, bad-ass women, mind you.
Anyway, 6 years ago I was still stuck in a crappy job, for example, that I was too intelligent for, although I didn't believe so at the time and would remain stuck there for a few more years. I tried being a teacher, an experience I documented in this very blog. That experience was a stepping stone for so many big changes to come, and I don't regret it at all.
6 years ago I was also still trying to be more extroverted than I am, because that was the personality type preferred by most of my friends, acquaintances, boyfriends, dates, and society. I hadn't yet gained the confidence to give everyone the middle finger and resolve to be myself.
I was also obsessed with thinking that I was less than because I was single and not married or in a serious relationship like most people I knew at the time. Back then it never occurred to me to entertain the idea that maybe I enjoyed being single. Like, preferred being single. Instead, I frequently went on meaningless dates with people because I thought that all women in their early 30's were scrambling to find a husband, paranoid that all the good ones were already gone. But of course no suitor ever fit the bill, because deep down I knew marriage was not something I really wanted for myself.
I still considered having or adopting kids at that time to appease potential boyfriends, but have since admitted that it's totally fucking acceptable to not want kids. Ever. I will never apologize for the fact that my womb cringes and recoils at the thought of parenthood. I am not less than a woman for not wanting kids, and if you think so, you are ignorant and close-minded.
In the last 6 years I have grown up a lot. My life was very stationary for years before I started the blog, and has since been very up and down, rich with experience and revelation. I wouldn't trade any of my dark, depressing periods for good because of what I learned having had to deal with such challenging times.
One of the most positive experiences I've had since I started this blog was volunteering as a mentor for 3 years for a girl in a disadvantaged neighborhood in Chicago. I gained innumerable insights and the guts to get out of my comfort zone on the regular, which contributed to many other positive changes in my life.
I changed careers 4 years ago, a move that nearly destroyed me even though I maintain it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I lost a friendship along the way, which has also nearly destroyed me. I attribute that loss to ramifications of the career change, but also because I have since chosen to embrace my rare personality and live an unconventional life, which means I'm very misunderstood most of the time.
I have transitioned to becoming my own boss just this year, which was the most wonderful change of all. Pure autonomy is the way I was born to work, and all the energy I sacrificed while working in the corporate big box gym has since been restored. I'm getting out and doing things again, and my quality of life has improved immensely in just a few months.
I've moved several times since starting this blog. 4 different buildings, in fact. I lived with a boyfriend and endured a very challenging and tumultuous relationship, but am very thankful since moving out that somehow we manage to be best friends to this day. Most people don't understand our relationship, but I don't need them to understand. At this point in my life, I do not feel like defending myself. I do not see the world in black and white, and I think it's an ignorant mindset to do so.
I've been a bunny mama for 2 years now, and pet ownership has changed my life in only positive ways. I love caring for my bunnies and I also love the fact that I'll never have to pay for their braces or college education.
Since starting this blog, I've battled moving back to Ohio and staying in the big city that has become synonymous with my chosen lifestyle. And yet, I have finally chosen to leave my beloved big city to be closer to my family instead. That change hasn't happened quite yet, but the choice to do so has been a tumultuous ride in and of itself. How will an unmarried, child-free woman survive in the suburbs? These are real fears of mine.
Because I have evolved so much and see myself as a very different individual than the one who started this blog, I have chosen to end it. This is not the end of my writing, however. I am starting a new blog that will be a bit more specific in nature regarding the life I've chosen for myself as an unmarried, child-free woman. In college I was fascinated by early 20th century feminism, and that that fascination has been resurrected ever since I embraced this unconventional life I have chosen for myself. I am very happy and very fulfilled by my choices. The new blog is not a way for me to justify my lifestyle, but to celebrate it and hopefully a way to find my tribe. I know we are rare, but I also know we are not alone.
I'm not sure if anyone still reads this blog, but if so, this will be my last post here. If you'd like to follow my new blog, you can find me over at www.thenewwomanorder.wordpress.com
Showing posts with label introvert. Show all posts
Showing posts with label introvert. Show all posts
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Life of a Career Changer - Year 4
A lot has changed since I wrote this post last year regarding having completed 3 years as a personal trainer.
The biggest change is that I quit my job at the corporate gym to train independently. I complained last year about the price of being successful at the gym, and the unnecessary toll it was taking on my social life, as well as the toll it was taking on me physically and mentally. About 5 months after that post I decided I finally needed to make a change. I was tired of working so hard for so little money, and I was tired of sacrificing the quality of training in favor of the volume of training I needed to maintain to stay afloat at work.
Back in November of 2015, I decided to meet with several trainers I had worked with in the past who had since left the corporate gym to train independently. While discussing their transitions and how things have played out for them since they left, a resounding theme made itself clear - they were all happier, making more money, and they were less stressed. At that point, I knew what I had to do and I knew it would not be easy, but I also had a hunch that making a change would be worth the time and effort.
In the months following, I decided to add more education to my arsenal in order to increase my value as a trainer - and also to reconnect with why I chose this field in the first place. I had been so focused on session goals and sales numbers for so long that I felt I was losing sight of my original desire to be a personal trainer. So, I attended a 2 day workshop in January and studied like mad to acquire a new certification, which I received in April. I gained confidence from gaining more education, and that's when I thought that I just might be able to pull off becoming an independent trainer.
Don't get me wrong - I've had plenty of self doubt and concerns along the way. There were many times when I thought I'd have no choice but to be stuck being miserable at the corporate gym forever. Instead I chose to trust myself, the process, and the good advice provided to me by my colleagues who had experienced a career change within their career before me.
Incidentally, one of the independent trainers I spoke with asked me to take over some of her clients while she is on maternity leave. Had she not asked me, and thereby giving me a time frame to finally let go of my ties to the corporate gym, I don't know when I would've had the guts to quit. But by the time I gave my notice I was at my wits end.
I could no longer tolerate my lack of energy due to the high volume of training and being "on" all the time. I could no longer handle providing FIVE complimentary sessions to new members when it was clearly a waste of time to not be paid for them (what was good for the gym, was not always good for the trainers). I could also no longer handle the "bro" mentality of many of the members, the constant slamming of weights and cables, the overly crowded environment, the loud techno music, the archaic software system, or the arbitrary sales and session numbers to stress about reaching each month.
My four years at the gym weren't all bad. I respected my manager, and I loved my coworkers and clients, for example. And the struggles I listed might not sound terrible to everyone, as extroverts thrive in that type of environment. I just knew I'd never be satisfied or shine the way I'm supposed to shine as a trainer in that overstimulating environment.
Now I'm in my fourth week as a fully independent trainer and I could not be happier with my decision. As I suspected before I made the change, I have more energy, less stress, more time for myself and for client programming, and I am less crabby. I still have a lot to learn in terms of running my own business, but I can honestly say that I love training again. My clients have my full attention because there are no distractions when I train at a private studio. We get more done in one hour because we are not hunting for space or sharing equipment, and I can diligently stick to their scheduled programming, therefore increasing the value of their sessions.
My next big challenge will be seeing if I can pull of the independent trainer thing in Ohio when I move. I love what I'm doing and how I'm doing it right now, and I'd love to maintain this sort of momentum when I move. I'll have to work even harder to make it work because I'll be starting from scratch, but I've never been afraid of hard work. In fact, there's nothing more motivating than realizing that the bigger picture is myself and my business rather than a corporation for which I'm making money.
Year 4 started strong, saw several ups and downs along the way, and ultimately ended better than I ever could have imagined. I truly believe the ultimate goal of the entrepreneur is to not only do the work you love, but finding a way to do it exactly the way you want to do it. To me - as I suspected and happily discovered - autonomy is everything.
I finished last year's blog post recapping my third year of training by referring to my desire to run my own business one day and saying, "An introverted girl can turn her dreams into reality is she wants something badly enough." Because I wanted something badly enough, I worked my ass off to make it happen. And to think that being my own boss was once a dream that I turned into a reality is probably one of the most satisfying accomplishments of my life.
The biggest change is that I quit my job at the corporate gym to train independently. I complained last year about the price of being successful at the gym, and the unnecessary toll it was taking on my social life, as well as the toll it was taking on me physically and mentally. About 5 months after that post I decided I finally needed to make a change. I was tired of working so hard for so little money, and I was tired of sacrificing the quality of training in favor of the volume of training I needed to maintain to stay afloat at work.
Back in November of 2015, I decided to meet with several trainers I had worked with in the past who had since left the corporate gym to train independently. While discussing their transitions and how things have played out for them since they left, a resounding theme made itself clear - they were all happier, making more money, and they were less stressed. At that point, I knew what I had to do and I knew it would not be easy, but I also had a hunch that making a change would be worth the time and effort.
In the months following, I decided to add more education to my arsenal in order to increase my value as a trainer - and also to reconnect with why I chose this field in the first place. I had been so focused on session goals and sales numbers for so long that I felt I was losing sight of my original desire to be a personal trainer. So, I attended a 2 day workshop in January and studied like mad to acquire a new certification, which I received in April. I gained confidence from gaining more education, and that's when I thought that I just might be able to pull off becoming an independent trainer.
Don't get me wrong - I've had plenty of self doubt and concerns along the way. There were many times when I thought I'd have no choice but to be stuck being miserable at the corporate gym forever. Instead I chose to trust myself, the process, and the good advice provided to me by my colleagues who had experienced a career change within their career before me.
Incidentally, one of the independent trainers I spoke with asked me to take over some of her clients while she is on maternity leave. Had she not asked me, and thereby giving me a time frame to finally let go of my ties to the corporate gym, I don't know when I would've had the guts to quit. But by the time I gave my notice I was at my wits end.
I could no longer tolerate my lack of energy due to the high volume of training and being "on" all the time. I could no longer handle providing FIVE complimentary sessions to new members when it was clearly a waste of time to not be paid for them (what was good for the gym, was not always good for the trainers). I could also no longer handle the "bro" mentality of many of the members, the constant slamming of weights and cables, the overly crowded environment, the loud techno music, the archaic software system, or the arbitrary sales and session numbers to stress about reaching each month.
My four years at the gym weren't all bad. I respected my manager, and I loved my coworkers and clients, for example. And the struggles I listed might not sound terrible to everyone, as extroverts thrive in that type of environment. I just knew I'd never be satisfied or shine the way I'm supposed to shine as a trainer in that overstimulating environment.
Now I'm in my fourth week as a fully independent trainer and I could not be happier with my decision. As I suspected before I made the change, I have more energy, less stress, more time for myself and for client programming, and I am less crabby. I still have a lot to learn in terms of running my own business, but I can honestly say that I love training again. My clients have my full attention because there are no distractions when I train at a private studio. We get more done in one hour because we are not hunting for space or sharing equipment, and I can diligently stick to their scheduled programming, therefore increasing the value of their sessions.
My next big challenge will be seeing if I can pull of the independent trainer thing in Ohio when I move. I love what I'm doing and how I'm doing it right now, and I'd love to maintain this sort of momentum when I move. I'll have to work even harder to make it work because I'll be starting from scratch, but I've never been afraid of hard work. In fact, there's nothing more motivating than realizing that the bigger picture is myself and my business rather than a corporation for which I'm making money.
Year 4 started strong, saw several ups and downs along the way, and ultimately ended better than I ever could have imagined. I truly believe the ultimate goal of the entrepreneur is to not only do the work you love, but finding a way to do it exactly the way you want to do it. To me - as I suspected and happily discovered - autonomy is everything.
I finished last year's blog post recapping my third year of training by referring to my desire to run my own business one day and saying, "An introverted girl can turn her dreams into reality is she wants something badly enough." Because I wanted something badly enough, I worked my ass off to make it happen. And to think that being my own boss was once a dream that I turned into a reality is probably one of the most satisfying accomplishments of my life.
Monday, June 27, 2016
The Pursuit of Happiness
Happiness is.... being at peace with a decision that took a really, really long time to make. I have discovered that there is no such thing as "perfect timing," but there is a time when making a change feels right.
I'd been filled with anxiety for months knowing that I needed to make a change, but I hadn't felt until recently that I could pull it off, even though I'd been carefully planning a transition.
Before I made the decision to leave my job in favor of training independently, I was so nervous that it might not work out and feeling a bit guilty with the idea of leaving my loyal clients, supportive manager, and fun co-workers.
Had my trainer friend Cristina not asked me to take over her clients when she has her baby, who knows if I would've ever had the guts to leave my stable job in favor of something that is risky, yet far more suited for my personality.
Leaving my job isn't the only huge life decision I've made recently though. I will also be moving back to Ohio in the fall to be closer to my family. I know I've expressed the desire to move back to Ohio a few times in this blog, and I've finally decided that because life is short, I need to spend as much time with my family as possible. I've already missed out on so much with them.
I told Fabian I was leaving Chicago and I resigned from my job 2 days later. To say the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement, but I really am so happy and at peace with my decisions.
Before I gave my boss my resignation, I had to constantly remind myself that the reason I started this whole process of making a change is because I was working in the wrong environment, and it wasn't healthy for me. I wasn't being a brat, or negative, or lazy, or selfish for wanting things to be different.
I didn't quit when things got hard, and they got really hard soon after I started my career as a personal trainer four years ago. I never gave up at the corporate gym and instead pressed on to do the job that I love for little money in an overstimulating environment that made me miserable.
I know it must sound dramatic to non-introverts, but working in an overstimulating environment has cost me plenty over the years including energy, friendships, a social life, the desire to try new things, and the desire to find love. And yet, I still felt guilty for wanting to get out of my situation. I felt guilty for not having the energy to be more successful at work despite the energy-draining environment.
I should never feel guilty about wanting to be happy though. I shouldn't ever feel guilty for wanting to do my work the way I want to do it in the environment that is better suited for me. In fact, the more I read about being an entrepreneur, the more I uncover just how much I was meant to do work all along. It turns out that I'm not lazy and I don't hate hard work. I just need more autonomy to be happy.
Before I resigned, and now that I'm on my own, I'm choosing to trust that everything will work out for me. Making big life changes is scary, and things have never really gone smoothly for me in the past when I've made big changes. But this time I carefully planned my transition. I have the experience, confidence, work ethic, and motivation to be successful and don't have to rely on luck. This change is also different because now I know exactly what I want after having experienced major extremes in my adult life. Bottom line - I want work/life balance and the chance to be truly happy doing what I love exactly how I want to do it. I fucking deserve it.
Regarding my big moving plans, I think I was more nervous about telling Fabian about going back to Ohio than I was about quitting my my job. I know Fabian loves me and the bunnies so much, and we love him so much, so it truly breaks my heart to leave him. But I know in my heart that I can't feel guilty for wanting to be close to my family.
I came, I saw, I conquered the big city, and now it's time to go home. A few months ago I was at the checkout counter at Dick's Sporting Goods and when the cashier asked for my zip code, I instinctively rattled off "44223, " even though I haven't lived in Ohio for 14 years. That moment really made me think. Clearly my desire to be home is subconscious as well as conscious.
But I waited to announce my decision until my head was in agreement with my heart, and my subconscious mind was in alignment with my conscious mind regarding the reality of making the move. And even though there is no such thing as perfect timing - because I can think of a million excuses to stay - the thought of moving home feels absolutely right.
I'd been filled with anxiety for months knowing that I needed to make a change, but I hadn't felt until recently that I could pull it off, even though I'd been carefully planning a transition.
Before I made the decision to leave my job in favor of training independently, I was so nervous that it might not work out and feeling a bit guilty with the idea of leaving my loyal clients, supportive manager, and fun co-workers.
Had my trainer friend Cristina not asked me to take over her clients when she has her baby, who knows if I would've ever had the guts to leave my stable job in favor of something that is risky, yet far more suited for my personality.
Leaving my job isn't the only huge life decision I've made recently though. I will also be moving back to Ohio in the fall to be closer to my family. I know I've expressed the desire to move back to Ohio a few times in this blog, and I've finally decided that because life is short, I need to spend as much time with my family as possible. I've already missed out on so much with them.
I told Fabian I was leaving Chicago and I resigned from my job 2 days later. To say the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement, but I really am so happy and at peace with my decisions.
Before I gave my boss my resignation, I had to constantly remind myself that the reason I started this whole process of making a change is because I was working in the wrong environment, and it wasn't healthy for me. I wasn't being a brat, or negative, or lazy, or selfish for wanting things to be different.
I didn't quit when things got hard, and they got really hard soon after I started my career as a personal trainer four years ago. I never gave up at the corporate gym and instead pressed on to do the job that I love for little money in an overstimulating environment that made me miserable.
I know it must sound dramatic to non-introverts, but working in an overstimulating environment has cost me plenty over the years including energy, friendships, a social life, the desire to try new things, and the desire to find love. And yet, I still felt guilty for wanting to get out of my situation. I felt guilty for not having the energy to be more successful at work despite the energy-draining environment.
I should never feel guilty about wanting to be happy though. I shouldn't ever feel guilty for wanting to do my work the way I want to do it in the environment that is better suited for me. In fact, the more I read about being an entrepreneur, the more I uncover just how much I was meant to do work all along. It turns out that I'm not lazy and I don't hate hard work. I just need more autonomy to be happy.
Before I resigned, and now that I'm on my own, I'm choosing to trust that everything will work out for me. Making big life changes is scary, and things have never really gone smoothly for me in the past when I've made big changes. But this time I carefully planned my transition. I have the experience, confidence, work ethic, and motivation to be successful and don't have to rely on luck. This change is also different because now I know exactly what I want after having experienced major extremes in my adult life. Bottom line - I want work/life balance and the chance to be truly happy doing what I love exactly how I want to do it. I fucking deserve it.
Regarding my big moving plans, I think I was more nervous about telling Fabian about going back to Ohio than I was about quitting my my job. I know Fabian loves me and the bunnies so much, and we love him so much, so it truly breaks my heart to leave him. But I know in my heart that I can't feel guilty for wanting to be close to my family.
I came, I saw, I conquered the big city, and now it's time to go home. A few months ago I was at the checkout counter at Dick's Sporting Goods and when the cashier asked for my zip code, I instinctively rattled off "44223, " even though I haven't lived in Ohio for 14 years. That moment really made me think. Clearly my desire to be home is subconscious as well as conscious.
But I waited to announce my decision until my head was in agreement with my heart, and my subconscious mind was in alignment with my conscious mind regarding the reality of making the move. And even though there is no such thing as perfect timing - because I can think of a million excuses to stay - the thought of moving home feels absolutely right.
Saturday, May 21, 2016
Living in the Past 14 Years
I have been far too distracted in my adult life by the things I don't want, rather than focusing on what I do want. If I'm not stressed about my financial situation at any given time, and worrying if I'll ever know what it's like to experience financial freedom, then I'm too concentrated on the fact that I work in a place that is not conducive to me being successful in my career.
I should, in fact, be fantasizing about what it's like to experience financial freedom and figuring out how to achieve it, as well as getting my ass out of my current work environment and figuring out how to do my job in a way that allows me to live up to my full potential.
I have the confidence, experience, and education to do what I want, exactly the way I want it, and yet I feel so out of control of the direction of my life. But if I don't suck it up and take control, who the fuck will?
I'm fucking 37 years old. It is time to do things differently. It is time to do things that will benefit me in the long run, instead of worrying about how behind I am and wondering how I'm going to get through today.
I should know by now that trial and error is okay, as long as I keep moving forward. I really don't have anything to lose, except everything. But I can bounce back from losing everything. I've gotten this far, haven't I?
I crave autonomy in all aspects of my life, especially my career. I can have that autonomy if I just push myself a little harder. Actually, at the present moment life is lighting a fire under my ass to get me moving. The universe has a funny way of doing this to me - to all of us. And I don't resent the universe for making me move. Sometimes the universe has more confidence in me than I do.
Ever since I became a college student and my inner world was exposed to dreams I had never dared to dream, and thoughts I never thought to think, I've seen myself doing something above average with my life. Even when I couldn't pin point what that above average thing was, I knew I was meant to do something different from most folks.
14 years ago, for example, I knew I had to move to the big city. I've also always known that I never wanted to be bogged down with marriage and kids because I knew in my heart I was meant to take a different path. I knew I didn't want to be like everyone else because I've always known that I'm not like everyone else.
When I moved to Chicago 14 years ago this very month, I thought that I was supposed to be a successful business woman, even though anything related to business bored me to tears. I was a receptionist, then an administrative assistant, then an event planner, then a commissions associate. None of those titles thrilled me or felt at all natural for me, but I conjured a fair amount of enthusiasm and gave each role my very best.
I finally switched careers four years ago to do something that lit my insides on fire and made me excited to go to work. And while I still absolutely love what I do, I learned early on that the environment is all wrong for me. A busy, loud, crowded commercial gym is the exact opposite of what is considered an ideal environment for an introvert. But, as with everything I have ever done, I have always given my best, fully knowing that my best in the wrong environment will never be good enough.
I need to stop beating myself up about not fitting in, because I'm holding myself back by doing so. I need to look forward and press on, thankful that I have the ability to do my job differently. I do have the possibility to fulfill my potential and become financially free. It's time. I can't waste any more time bemoaning my current situation when a fulfilling and financially free future awaits.
I should, in fact, be fantasizing about what it's like to experience financial freedom and figuring out how to achieve it, as well as getting my ass out of my current work environment and figuring out how to do my job in a way that allows me to live up to my full potential.
I have the confidence, experience, and education to do what I want, exactly the way I want it, and yet I feel so out of control of the direction of my life. But if I don't suck it up and take control, who the fuck will?
I'm fucking 37 years old. It is time to do things differently. It is time to do things that will benefit me in the long run, instead of worrying about how behind I am and wondering how I'm going to get through today.
I should know by now that trial and error is okay, as long as I keep moving forward. I really don't have anything to lose, except everything. But I can bounce back from losing everything. I've gotten this far, haven't I?
I crave autonomy in all aspects of my life, especially my career. I can have that autonomy if I just push myself a little harder. Actually, at the present moment life is lighting a fire under my ass to get me moving. The universe has a funny way of doing this to me - to all of us. And I don't resent the universe for making me move. Sometimes the universe has more confidence in me than I do.
Ever since I became a college student and my inner world was exposed to dreams I had never dared to dream, and thoughts I never thought to think, I've seen myself doing something above average with my life. Even when I couldn't pin point what that above average thing was, I knew I was meant to do something different from most folks.
14 years ago, for example, I knew I had to move to the big city. I've also always known that I never wanted to be bogged down with marriage and kids because I knew in my heart I was meant to take a different path. I knew I didn't want to be like everyone else because I've always known that I'm not like everyone else.
When I moved to Chicago 14 years ago this very month, I thought that I was supposed to be a successful business woman, even though anything related to business bored me to tears. I was a receptionist, then an administrative assistant, then an event planner, then a commissions associate. None of those titles thrilled me or felt at all natural for me, but I conjured a fair amount of enthusiasm and gave each role my very best.
I finally switched careers four years ago to do something that lit my insides on fire and made me excited to go to work. And while I still absolutely love what I do, I learned early on that the environment is all wrong for me. A busy, loud, crowded commercial gym is the exact opposite of what is considered an ideal environment for an introvert. But, as with everything I have ever done, I have always given my best, fully knowing that my best in the wrong environment will never be good enough.
I need to stop beating myself up about not fitting in, because I'm holding myself back by doing so. I need to look forward and press on, thankful that I have the ability to do my job differently. I do have the possibility to fulfill my potential and become financially free. It's time. I can't waste any more time bemoaning my current situation when a fulfilling and financially free future awaits.
My Dream to be Drawn to Distraction No More
I keep having this dream where I am on a tropical island but am unable to make it to the beach. All I want is to watch the sunset from the beach and photograph it, but something is always preventing me from doing so. I cannot find my phone, or my phone is not charged, or I'm tending to the people I'm with, or I have to be somewhere at a certain time, etc. There is always a distraction keeping me from standing in the white sand and admiring the aqua water. The island is always different, the people I'm with are always different, but the theme of the dream is essentially the same.
Clearly this dream translates to the fact that I'm being held back from doing the things I really want to in my life. This dream always makes me sad, because it's true.
It's mostly my fault, I'm discovering, because I dwell too much on the past or my current situation, instead of visualizing how things could be different. Things can be better. I just have to change my mindset. Easier said that done for this ruminating gal, but not impossible.
I want to travel. I want to have total career autonomy. I want to experience financial freedom. I'm a hard worker, and I always have been. I'm smart, too. The dreams I have for myself should not be difficult to achieve. Or, because they have been up to this point, they will no longer be going forward.
I will be stuck no more. I will not let distraction get in the way of living my best life. That's my promise to myself.
Clearly this dream translates to the fact that I'm being held back from doing the things I really want to in my life. This dream always makes me sad, because it's true.
It's mostly my fault, I'm discovering, because I dwell too much on the past or my current situation, instead of visualizing how things could be different. Things can be better. I just have to change my mindset. Easier said that done for this ruminating gal, but not impossible.
I want to travel. I want to have total career autonomy. I want to experience financial freedom. I'm a hard worker, and I always have been. I'm smart, too. The dreams I have for myself should not be difficult to achieve. Or, because they have been up to this point, they will no longer be going forward.
I will be stuck no more. I will not let distraction get in the way of living my best life. That's my promise to myself.
Friday, April 22, 2016
Sorry Not Sorry
Until I uncovered all of the intricacies of introversion, I spent most of my life desperately trying to be someone I'm not by trying to mold myself into someone I was never meant to be: an extrovert. I've spent a lot of time feeling guilty and ashamed for the temperament I was born with prior to discovering that I was in fact, born with it.
As a kid, for example, I felt guilty for never wanting to have sleepovers at my house, because another person in my bedroom -my childhood sanctuary- seemed like a major invasion of my private world, where I often spent time drawing, writing, practicing make-up and hairstyles, or playing with my Barbie dolls.
In middle school I was often reprimanded by most teachers in most classes for making "careless mistakes." Little did they know - little did I know! - that one of the qualities of being an introvert is that our brains are slower at processing new concepts. I often needed more time during a test to thoroughly process test questions, or I needed more time to learn a math concept, for example. Instead, I rushed through tests so I'd never be the last to finish, and therefore be thought of as "stupid." But having a difficult time understanding new concepts made me feel stupid anyway, and I never asked questions because I didn't want to be guilty for holding the class back if I was the only student who couldn't understand something.
In high school, I felt guilty for wanting to stay in by myself on most weekend nights to order pizza and watch John Hughes movies on VHS when all my friends and classmates were at parties or on dates. I also felt inadequate because I could only handle one or two extracurricular activities at a time since I was already so exhausted from being around people during the school day. Time spent doing anything more would've further eclipsed my treasured alone time.
As an adult, I've felt guilty in romantic relationships for craving copious amounts of alone time. I've felt guilty for turning down invites from friends a few too many times simply because I had already reached my threshold for people during the work week.
Most recently, I have felt guilty in my career for getting "peopled out" so easily. The point of my job is to help people -ideally as many as possible!- and yet I usually can't find it within myself to go the extra mile on most days.
So is the coworker who has boundless energy to disperse to not only his clients, but also the other members of the gym better than I am at my job? I have the education, I have the confidence, I have the experience, yet at the end of most days I feel like I failed because even though I came across hundreds of people that day, I didn't talk to anyone except my clients and coworkers.
We are always being encouraged at work to "smile and chat with members" when we are not training a client, but I find it necessary to conserve my energy for my clients. Extroverts are coveted by management at my gym. Social butterflies are favored for making themselves known to everyone. But for me, sometimes I just can't bring myself to force a smile or muster a hello. Not that I don't ever do this. I do it as much as I possibly can before my internal battery dies. I give the gym all of my energy so that nothing is left when I leave at night. I have no friends and no social life because I give all of myself at work. Otherwise, guilt would overwhelm me.
A client recently shared that I seemed a bit off during a prior session. I recalled that I usually train him during a quiet hour at the gym, and the session he was referring to just happened to be a time when the gym was exceptionally busy. I do not enjoy training my clients when the gym is loud and crowded, but I dig deep to do whatever it takes to make the most of it. My senses are overloaded and I find it hard to focus, and I have to raise my voice to be heard over the chaos, all of which drains me as quickly as an iPhone with too many apps running simultaneously.
Even though I understood why I must have seemed off, I felt guilty about it. Introverts are overstimulated easily, and I can't simply tune out the activity going on around me. But until my client mentioned something, I thought for sure I was fooling everyone.
That brings me to my next point. Why should I feel so damn guilty for being who I am and responding to the world the way I respond to it? Why do I feel so guilty admitting that, despite loving my job, the environment in which I do my job is unsatisfactory? Essentially, why do I feel so guilty for not being an extrovert?
If I'm not churning out over 100 personal training sessions a month, it's because the more sessions I do, the less valuable they will be. I'll never be exceptionally ambitious or be able to take on too much because doing so would be too taxing for my temperament and therefore would never make me happy, so what's the fucking point of doing what I love in that case?
But how could I ever explain this to my manager without sounding slightly ridiculous in a world that deeply favors extroverts? Personally, I will only ever be successful if I focus on quality over quantity. Unfortunately, that's not gonna fly at my place of employment.
So, I have this crazy idea that if I become an independent trainer, then things will be different. If I work in a studio exclusive to personal trainers and their clients, then I will be in the calmer environment I crave so much. The quality of service that I'd be able to provide to my clients simply by changing my environment will be so much richer. And I won't ever again be told to smile and chat with members when the thought of a forced smile and small talk instinctively make me snarl.
When I worked in an office for ten years I was isolated for most of the day, and the past four years I have thrown myself into a completely contrasting environment. I'll admit that I had trouble communicating with people before I became a trainer, so even though I'm now totally overwhelmed by people on most days, I'm tremendously thankful I've had plenty of practice and experience interacting with a variety of personalities.
Everything in my being is craving some serious balance, which I have not yet been able to achieve my entire adult life. I already enjoy my work, but I need to do it differently for the sake of my sanity. I'd like to maybe not feel too drained all the time and have the occasional social interaction outside of work. That's not a lot to ask, and I won't apologize for going after what I want.
We are always being encouraged at work to "smile and chat with members" when we are not training a client, but I find it necessary to conserve my energy for my clients. Extroverts are coveted by management at my gym. Social butterflies are favored for making themselves known to everyone. But for me, sometimes I just can't bring myself to force a smile or muster a hello. Not that I don't ever do this. I do it as much as I possibly can before my internal battery dies. I give the gym all of my energy so that nothing is left when I leave at night. I have no friends and no social life because I give all of myself at work. Otherwise, guilt would overwhelm me.
A client recently shared that I seemed a bit off during a prior session. I recalled that I usually train him during a quiet hour at the gym, and the session he was referring to just happened to be a time when the gym was exceptionally busy. I do not enjoy training my clients when the gym is loud and crowded, but I dig deep to do whatever it takes to make the most of it. My senses are overloaded and I find it hard to focus, and I have to raise my voice to be heard over the chaos, all of which drains me as quickly as an iPhone with too many apps running simultaneously.
Even though I understood why I must have seemed off, I felt guilty about it. Introverts are overstimulated easily, and I can't simply tune out the activity going on around me. But until my client mentioned something, I thought for sure I was fooling everyone.
That brings me to my next point. Why should I feel so damn guilty for being who I am and responding to the world the way I respond to it? Why do I feel so guilty admitting that, despite loving my job, the environment in which I do my job is unsatisfactory? Essentially, why do I feel so guilty for not being an extrovert?
If I'm not churning out over 100 personal training sessions a month, it's because the more sessions I do, the less valuable they will be. I'll never be exceptionally ambitious or be able to take on too much because doing so would be too taxing for my temperament and therefore would never make me happy, so what's the fucking point of doing what I love in that case?
But how could I ever explain this to my manager without sounding slightly ridiculous in a world that deeply favors extroverts? Personally, I will only ever be successful if I focus on quality over quantity. Unfortunately, that's not gonna fly at my place of employment.
So, I have this crazy idea that if I become an independent trainer, then things will be different. If I work in a studio exclusive to personal trainers and their clients, then I will be in the calmer environment I crave so much. The quality of service that I'd be able to provide to my clients simply by changing my environment will be so much richer. And I won't ever again be told to smile and chat with members when the thought of a forced smile and small talk instinctively make me snarl.
When I worked in an office for ten years I was isolated for most of the day, and the past four years I have thrown myself into a completely contrasting environment. I'll admit that I had trouble communicating with people before I became a trainer, so even though I'm now totally overwhelmed by people on most days, I'm tremendously thankful I've had plenty of practice and experience interacting with a variety of personalities.
Everything in my being is craving some serious balance, which I have not yet been able to achieve my entire adult life. I already enjoy my work, but I need to do it differently for the sake of my sanity. I'd like to maybe not feel too drained all the time and have the occasional social interaction outside of work. That's not a lot to ask, and I won't apologize for going after what I want.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
If at First You Don't Succeed
During a training session recently, a client was telling me about his 11 year old son who is in the process of trying out for a hockey team. Apparently, the son tried out for the team last year and didn't make it, so he's been working out and practicing extra hard to ensure a better chance of making the cut this year. My client noted that not making the team last year was a great character building experience for him, as well as a lesson in the value of hard work.
I instantly thought of a similar experience from my own childhood. I was in 7th grade when I decided to try out for cheerleading. My best friends were cheerleaders and I had always been involved in dance classes and gymnastics, so cheerleading was especially appealing to me.
I went to the practices, learned the cheers, and moderately recited them in my own time. I wasn't really sure what to expect, and it turned out I had no idea. I didn't know, for instance, that wearing your hair off your face for tryouts was mandatory. Incidentally, I had arrived with my hair down. My friends freaked out on my behalf, which prompted my Mom to scramble for ideas. Not a hair elastic in sight, my Mom ended up improvising with a small leather strap from my brother's baseball glove found in the trunk of the car.
Anyway, I tried out for the squad and did not make it. The limited time I had spent practicing on my own and my unpreparedness had cost me a spot on the squad. An overly emotional tween at that time, an expected torrential downpour of tears were shed.
But that experience in defeat did not reduce my desire to become a cheerleader. I did not blame the judges for being unfair. I didn't accuse any of the other girls of cheating. I knew in my heart of hearts that I did not practice enough. I knew that I was not as prepared as I should have been that day.
The next year in 8th grade I tried out for the high school squad. I had practiced relentlessly, and I showed up to tryouts with my hair fixed in the most important pony tail of my life.
Armed with confidence and enough enthusiasm to supply an entire cheer squad, I was going in prepared. As a result, I made the team. My hard work and relentless drive had paid off.
The thing about trying new things as a kid is that there are no risks involved. If I hadn't made the team, then life would go on and I was comfortably aware of that fact. I'd be devastated if I wasn't selected a second time, of course, but never once did I stew on the possibility of how my life would be affected if I had failed.
We are so much less hesitant as kids to go after what we want because there's so much opportunity for us to try new things and absolutely no repercussions if one or several things do not work out.
As an adult, however, the fear of failure often paralyzes us and prevents us from trying new things too often. There are real consequences if things don't work out, usually because the stakes are higher regarding the choices we make as adults. Careers, relationships, cross-country moves, investments, etc. involve a lot of risk.
Knowing full well we could never be as prepared for big life changes as much as we can prepare for cheerleading tryouts, we do our best to learn the information available to us regarding our options, then say "fuck it" and just go for it. We eventually choose to risk everything knowing we may get nothing except a good dose of character building and lesson learning.
But despite risk, we learn throughout life that making a leap is exactly how we evolve and become better individuals.
As an introvert, I'm a big fan of looking before I leap. And I usually take a long time to look. Too long. But moving forward is important for improving the quality of life regardless of the outcome, and I only know this from experience. As scary as change is, it's time again to fix my hair into an important ponytail and take a leap.
I instantly thought of a similar experience from my own childhood. I was in 7th grade when I decided to try out for cheerleading. My best friends were cheerleaders and I had always been involved in dance classes and gymnastics, so cheerleading was especially appealing to me.
I went to the practices, learned the cheers, and moderately recited them in my own time. I wasn't really sure what to expect, and it turned out I had no idea. I didn't know, for instance, that wearing your hair off your face for tryouts was mandatory. Incidentally, I had arrived with my hair down. My friends freaked out on my behalf, which prompted my Mom to scramble for ideas. Not a hair elastic in sight, my Mom ended up improvising with a small leather strap from my brother's baseball glove found in the trunk of the car.
Anyway, I tried out for the squad and did not make it. The limited time I had spent practicing on my own and my unpreparedness had cost me a spot on the squad. An overly emotional tween at that time, an expected torrential downpour of tears were shed.
But that experience in defeat did not reduce my desire to become a cheerleader. I did not blame the judges for being unfair. I didn't accuse any of the other girls of cheating. I knew in my heart of hearts that I did not practice enough. I knew that I was not as prepared as I should have been that day.
The next year in 8th grade I tried out for the high school squad. I had practiced relentlessly, and I showed up to tryouts with my hair fixed in the most important pony tail of my life.
Armed with confidence and enough enthusiasm to supply an entire cheer squad, I was going in prepared. As a result, I made the team. My hard work and relentless drive had paid off.
The thing about trying new things as a kid is that there are no risks involved. If I hadn't made the team, then life would go on and I was comfortably aware of that fact. I'd be devastated if I wasn't selected a second time, of course, but never once did I stew on the possibility of how my life would be affected if I had failed.
We are so much less hesitant as kids to go after what we want because there's so much opportunity for us to try new things and absolutely no repercussions if one or several things do not work out.
As an adult, however, the fear of failure often paralyzes us and prevents us from trying new things too often. There are real consequences if things don't work out, usually because the stakes are higher regarding the choices we make as adults. Careers, relationships, cross-country moves, investments, etc. involve a lot of risk.
Knowing full well we could never be as prepared for big life changes as much as we can prepare for cheerleading tryouts, we do our best to learn the information available to us regarding our options, then say "fuck it" and just go for it. We eventually choose to risk everything knowing we may get nothing except a good dose of character building and lesson learning.
But despite risk, we learn throughout life that making a leap is exactly how we evolve and become better individuals.
As an introvert, I'm a big fan of looking before I leap. And I usually take a long time to look. Too long. But moving forward is important for improving the quality of life regardless of the outcome, and I only know this from experience. As scary as change is, it's time again to fix my hair into an important ponytail and take a leap.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
What a Difference a Trip Around the Sun Makes
A year ago around this time I was having a really rough go at life. I was burned out from work and missing my former social life. Things eventually got better, mostly because I stopped feeling guilty for feeling terrible and finally gave myself permission to feel whatever the fuck I was feeling at the time, no matter how unpleasant. Relief, clarity, and peace resulted.
Mentally, so much has changed for me in the last year. Changing my perspective regarding my circumstances changed everything. For instance, last year at this time I was bemoaning the loss of close friendships, and this year I am celebrating having uncovered the truest friends in my life. Real friends understand that life happens, and sustaining a friendship sometimes means only exchanging random texts here and there.
Because the concept of understanding is a major component of any relationship, I learned that those who fail to understand will eventually fall away for good. I learned -although extremely difficult to accept- that a broken friendship is okay. I no longer carry the burden of thinking that I'm a bad friend or a bad person for having disappeared while my life was turned upside down after I changed careers nearly four years ago. I will also no longer apologize for how my life is unfolding and how I choose to deal with it.
That being said, I happened to rekindle some dormant friendships in the last year that I knew in my heart could still sustain life. I'm thrilled that even though our separate worlds have changed, our bond has most certainly stayed in tact. I admit that I do shut the world out sometimes, but I know that the people who are meant to be around when I rebound will be there.
Not unlike last year, I am quite overwhelmed with life at any given moment, and I still don't necessarily have the time or energy for much of a social life. The career I chose is not without its drawbacks, but it's fucking important to me. I still have to work my ass off just to pay my bills, and I'm still perpetually exhausted. And yet, I still find the desire to better myself and constantly improve. I'm always dreaming up ideas and working on new things, and I am now positive that I can have everything I've ever desired.
Last year at this time my outlook on life was grim. I was drowning in a sea of helplessness, unaware of how to save myself. But now I'm so much more accepting of whatever emotion I'm feeling at any point, and I've accepted that difficulties and uncertainties are a part of life. The thought that things could always be better serves as a motivational tool, and the thought that things could most certainly be worse reminds me to express gratitude.
I'm just trying to exist and live a worthy life just like everyone else, succeeding sometimes, failing other times, but accepting my journey nonetheless.
Mentally, so much has changed for me in the last year. Changing my perspective regarding my circumstances changed everything. For instance, last year at this time I was bemoaning the loss of close friendships, and this year I am celebrating having uncovered the truest friends in my life. Real friends understand that life happens, and sustaining a friendship sometimes means only exchanging random texts here and there.
Because the concept of understanding is a major component of any relationship, I learned that those who fail to understand will eventually fall away for good. I learned -although extremely difficult to accept- that a broken friendship is okay. I no longer carry the burden of thinking that I'm a bad friend or a bad person for having disappeared while my life was turned upside down after I changed careers nearly four years ago. I will also no longer apologize for how my life is unfolding and how I choose to deal with it.
That being said, I happened to rekindle some dormant friendships in the last year that I knew in my heart could still sustain life. I'm thrilled that even though our separate worlds have changed, our bond has most certainly stayed in tact. I admit that I do shut the world out sometimes, but I know that the people who are meant to be around when I rebound will be there.
Not unlike last year, I am quite overwhelmed with life at any given moment, and I still don't necessarily have the time or energy for much of a social life. The career I chose is not without its drawbacks, but it's fucking important to me. I still have to work my ass off just to pay my bills, and I'm still perpetually exhausted. And yet, I still find the desire to better myself and constantly improve. I'm always dreaming up ideas and working on new things, and I am now positive that I can have everything I've ever desired.
Last year at this time my outlook on life was grim. I was drowning in a sea of helplessness, unaware of how to save myself. But now I'm so much more accepting of whatever emotion I'm feeling at any point, and I've accepted that difficulties and uncertainties are a part of life. The thought that things could always be better serves as a motivational tool, and the thought that things could most certainly be worse reminds me to express gratitude.
I'm just trying to exist and live a worthy life just like everyone else, succeeding sometimes, failing other times, but accepting my journey nonetheless.
Friday, January 29, 2016
The Many Forms of Fulfillment
As the perky blonde woman at the Morley Health Center proceeded to passionately talk about all the "wonderful" changes that occur when a girl morphs into a woman, my bony butt began to shift uncomfortably in the hard, plastic chair. My Mom was sitting next to me and I felt a little embarrassed that such a topic was being discussed in her presence. As a fifth grader, it just didn't seem natural to hear all about the joys of leg shaving and training bras. After all I was still playing with Barbie dolls and had absolutely no protrusions on my chest that required any sort of "training." (I still don't, truth be told.)
But the real discomfort set in when the woman began teaching my fellow girl scouts and I about childbirth and our reproductive organs. I don't know what grossed me out more - the frequent talk of blood or the word "uterus." Either way the whole situation disgusted me and when the cheerful woman asked if anyone had questions, I promptly raised my hand and announced that I was going to barf.
Without hesitation my Mom grabbed my hand and rushed me into the hallway and into the bathroom where I proceeded to blow chunks. As my lasagna dinner reappeared before me, my Mom uttered the words, "You will never be able to handle having babies." I did not disagree.
I've always known that I didn't want to have children. I played with Barbie dolls, not baby dolls, for instance, and my Barbie dolls never became mothers. In addition to the gross out factor of childbirth, babysitting every child within a 5 minute bike ride from my parent's house as a teen made me feel just as queasy about the idea of parenting. But of course I've spent most of my life in denial of this feeling. I mean, having kids is what we are supposed to do, right?
As a kid who grew up in a middle class suburban town, I was only ever exposed to what was deemed "normal," and normal is basically defined as "what everybody else is doing." So I thought I'd grow up to get married and have kids because that's what "normal" people did. I even told my 7th grade English teacher that my life plan was to graduate college, get married at 24, then start having kids at 27. She looked at me square in the eyes and asked, "You think it's really gonna happen that way?" Well, yeah. Of course. Why wouldn't it?
It wasn't until I was exposed to thought provoking adult literature at my liberal arts university that I discovered that marriage and family are options, not obligations. The Awakening by Kate Chopin specifically served as my epiphany and woke me up to a whole new world of possibilities for living my life that felt far more natural to me.
Still, I wasn't quite ready to accept that I wasn't the mommy type. For years I kept myself open to the possibility of marriage and family only if I met the right guy. Well, I've met plenty of right guys, but none of them ended up magically changing how I felt.
A close friend once urged me not to be so close-minded. But why would I force myself to feel the opposite way of something I was so sure of in my heart? I took the advice anyway and continued to date men that I knew wanted to be fathers one day. But I only ended up breaking hearts and becoming discouraged and extremely heartbroken myself. I've felt like a fake, a fraud, and a deceptive bitch telling boyfriends that I'd consider having children when my entire being was firmly rejecting the possibility.
I can comprehend why people cannot fathom the decisions of others, especially when something like having kids is such a strong biological pull for most women. But imagine, if you will, having no desire or biological pull to want to have a baby? At 37 years old, my womb is not crying out for a child. My womb has never even whispered the thought.
Just because I have no desire to have kids does not mean that I don't like children. I am obsessed with my nephew. I love babies just as much as anyone and I believe that holding a baby is the most peaceful feeling on earth. I love the small voices of toddlers and I love the hilarious things that come out of their mouths. I empathize with the struggles of fluctuating teenage hormones, as I am still very in tune with what it was like to be a teenager. But these are all things I can enjoy or appreciate without bearing any fruit myself.
I will offer a dose of honesty and admit that I do not like the loud chaos that children cause, even though I think it's crucial for kids to be wild and crazy and play their little hearts out. But truth be told, I didn't even like the chaos of children when I was one. I always preferred playing alone in quiet spaces and hanging out with the adults at family gatherings. Adult conversation has always been far more fascinating to me, even when I was too young to fully understand what was being discussed.
I also don't like the thought of being tethered to my home because I cannot go out if I don't have someone to babysit the kids. And I do not like the thought of leaving my house on a whim only with the condition of having to dress a baby in bulky winter gear and haul around an even bulkier stroller.
I don't want to help my kid learn long division, because I feel I already suffered enough math hell for several lifetimes.
I don't want to schlep my kids and their gear to sporting events in the cold and be forced to make idle chit chat with other parents. My parents loved going to my brother's games growing up, and my brother loves going to my nephew's games. Being parents is what they love and what they do well. And while I absolutely love seeing my nephew in action at his soccer games when I visit, I just cannot muster the same sort of enthusiasm for the idea of cheering on my own kids every Saturday.
Most of all, I don't like like the thought of sacrificing my alone time and already feel as if I don't have enough time to myself. That might sound a little crazy, but if you are introverted, you probably understand. My time alone is as important as the air I breathe.
Maybe you think I'm selfish, but I consider myself self-aware. I know in my heart of hearts that being a Mom would not positively add to my life. And with 7 billion people on this earth I'm fairly certain the world doesn't need my rugrats running around. But I respect the demanding role of motherhood to an infinite degree. I'm just not cut out for that role. And I'm okay with that.
Sometimes it irks me when I see things on Facebook regarding how, "People don't know what exhaustion is until they've had kids!" or shit like, "We didn't know what fulfillment was until we had kids!" Well, I can tell you that getting home at 10:30pm after a full day of physical activity and being "on," and then having to wake up at 4:30am to do it all over again is pretty fucking exhausting. The difference, I recognize, is that I do actually get to sleep in a couple times a week, and I'm beyond thankful for that. Perpetual sleep deprivation is definitely another reason I don't want children, but I commend the courageous men and women willing to sacrifice their slumber for 18 years or so.
Regarding fulfillment, I can assure you that having a child would not satisfy a missing piece to my life's puzzle. Because fulfillment comes from within and doesn't come from chasing happiness through external sources, there are many paths to fulfillment. Fulfillment stems from spending time doing what you love and living authentically, which is different for everyone. It's being at peace with who you are and the decisions you make regarding how to live your life.
Although I kind of hoped I'd be the rich, world-traveling aunt who could pay for her nephew's college education and could afford to take her whole family on vacations, I am not. But I've learned that being a single, childless, jet-setting city gal with plenty of disposable income is not the opposite of having a family.
I gain fulfillment from working out and being fit and healthy. I gain fulfillment from reading and learning. I gain fulfillment from being organized and having my shit together. I gain fulfillment from a full night of sleep and eating well. I gain fulfillment by setting new goals every year and working hard to reach them. I gain fulfillment at work by helping people become stronger and healthier than they were before they met me. I gain fulfillment from taking care of my pet bunnies. I gain fulfillment from spending Christmas with my family every year.
You see, my life is not lacking because I am not married and do not have children. There are a lot of things I love about my life that wouldn't even be possible if I were married with children.
I'm endlessly respectful of how anyone chooses to live their life, and all I want is for people to respect my path. At the very least, I hope people will understand that I am happy with the choices I've made for my life. And I hope that you are happy with the choices you've made for your life, understanding that amidst all of life's obligations, we are fortunate to have options.
But the real discomfort set in when the woman began teaching my fellow girl scouts and I about childbirth and our reproductive organs. I don't know what grossed me out more - the frequent talk of blood or the word "uterus." Either way the whole situation disgusted me and when the cheerful woman asked if anyone had questions, I promptly raised my hand and announced that I was going to barf.
Without hesitation my Mom grabbed my hand and rushed me into the hallway and into the bathroom where I proceeded to blow chunks. As my lasagna dinner reappeared before me, my Mom uttered the words, "You will never be able to handle having babies." I did not disagree.
I've always known that I didn't want to have children. I played with Barbie dolls, not baby dolls, for instance, and my Barbie dolls never became mothers. In addition to the gross out factor of childbirth, babysitting every child within a 5 minute bike ride from my parent's house as a teen made me feel just as queasy about the idea of parenting. But of course I've spent most of my life in denial of this feeling. I mean, having kids is what we are supposed to do, right?
As a kid who grew up in a middle class suburban town, I was only ever exposed to what was deemed "normal," and normal is basically defined as "what everybody else is doing." So I thought I'd grow up to get married and have kids because that's what "normal" people did. I even told my 7th grade English teacher that my life plan was to graduate college, get married at 24, then start having kids at 27. She looked at me square in the eyes and asked, "You think it's really gonna happen that way?" Well, yeah. Of course. Why wouldn't it?
It wasn't until I was exposed to thought provoking adult literature at my liberal arts university that I discovered that marriage and family are options, not obligations. The Awakening by Kate Chopin specifically served as my epiphany and woke me up to a whole new world of possibilities for living my life that felt far more natural to me.
Still, I wasn't quite ready to accept that I wasn't the mommy type. For years I kept myself open to the possibility of marriage and family only if I met the right guy. Well, I've met plenty of right guys, but none of them ended up magically changing how I felt.
A close friend once urged me not to be so close-minded. But why would I force myself to feel the opposite way of something I was so sure of in my heart? I took the advice anyway and continued to date men that I knew wanted to be fathers one day. But I only ended up breaking hearts and becoming discouraged and extremely heartbroken myself. I've felt like a fake, a fraud, and a deceptive bitch telling boyfriends that I'd consider having children when my entire being was firmly rejecting the possibility.
I can comprehend why people cannot fathom the decisions of others, especially when something like having kids is such a strong biological pull for most women. But imagine, if you will, having no desire or biological pull to want to have a baby? At 37 years old, my womb is not crying out for a child. My womb has never even whispered the thought.
Just because I have no desire to have kids does not mean that I don't like children. I am obsessed with my nephew. I love babies just as much as anyone and I believe that holding a baby is the most peaceful feeling on earth. I love the small voices of toddlers and I love the hilarious things that come out of their mouths. I empathize with the struggles of fluctuating teenage hormones, as I am still very in tune with what it was like to be a teenager. But these are all things I can enjoy or appreciate without bearing any fruit myself.
I will offer a dose of honesty and admit that I do not like the loud chaos that children cause, even though I think it's crucial for kids to be wild and crazy and play their little hearts out. But truth be told, I didn't even like the chaos of children when I was one. I always preferred playing alone in quiet spaces and hanging out with the adults at family gatherings. Adult conversation has always been far more fascinating to me, even when I was too young to fully understand what was being discussed.
I also don't like the thought of being tethered to my home because I cannot go out if I don't have someone to babysit the kids. And I do not like the thought of leaving my house on a whim only with the condition of having to dress a baby in bulky winter gear and haul around an even bulkier stroller.
I don't want to help my kid learn long division, because I feel I already suffered enough math hell for several lifetimes.
I don't want to schlep my kids and their gear to sporting events in the cold and be forced to make idle chit chat with other parents. My parents loved going to my brother's games growing up, and my brother loves going to my nephew's games. Being parents is what they love and what they do well. And while I absolutely love seeing my nephew in action at his soccer games when I visit, I just cannot muster the same sort of enthusiasm for the idea of cheering on my own kids every Saturday.
Most of all, I don't like like the thought of sacrificing my alone time and already feel as if I don't have enough time to myself. That might sound a little crazy, but if you are introverted, you probably understand. My time alone is as important as the air I breathe.
Maybe you think I'm selfish, but I consider myself self-aware. I know in my heart of hearts that being a Mom would not positively add to my life. And with 7 billion people on this earth I'm fairly certain the world doesn't need my rugrats running around. But I respect the demanding role of motherhood to an infinite degree. I'm just not cut out for that role. And I'm okay with that.
Sometimes it irks me when I see things on Facebook regarding how, "People don't know what exhaustion is until they've had kids!" or shit like, "We didn't know what fulfillment was until we had kids!" Well, I can tell you that getting home at 10:30pm after a full day of physical activity and being "on," and then having to wake up at 4:30am to do it all over again is pretty fucking exhausting. The difference, I recognize, is that I do actually get to sleep in a couple times a week, and I'm beyond thankful for that. Perpetual sleep deprivation is definitely another reason I don't want children, but I commend the courageous men and women willing to sacrifice their slumber for 18 years or so.
Regarding fulfillment, I can assure you that having a child would not satisfy a missing piece to my life's puzzle. Because fulfillment comes from within and doesn't come from chasing happiness through external sources, there are many paths to fulfillment. Fulfillment stems from spending time doing what you love and living authentically, which is different for everyone. It's being at peace with who you are and the decisions you make regarding how to live your life.
Although I kind of hoped I'd be the rich, world-traveling aunt who could pay for her nephew's college education and could afford to take her whole family on vacations, I am not. But I've learned that being a single, childless, jet-setting city gal with plenty of disposable income is not the opposite of having a family.
I gain fulfillment from working out and being fit and healthy. I gain fulfillment from reading and learning. I gain fulfillment from being organized and having my shit together. I gain fulfillment from a full night of sleep and eating well. I gain fulfillment by setting new goals every year and working hard to reach them. I gain fulfillment at work by helping people become stronger and healthier than they were before they met me. I gain fulfillment from taking care of my pet bunnies. I gain fulfillment from spending Christmas with my family every year.
You see, my life is not lacking because I am not married and do not have children. There are a lot of things I love about my life that wouldn't even be possible if I were married with children.
I'm endlessly respectful of how anyone chooses to live their life, and all I want is for people to respect my path. At the very least, I hope people will understand that I am happy with the choices I've made for my life. And I hope that you are happy with the choices you've made for your life, understanding that amidst all of life's obligations, we are fortunate to have options.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Tales of an Alpha Female Bad Ass
Fuuuuuucccckkkk yeeeeaaahhh! I 'm an Alpha Female Bad Ass! Wooooo!!!
*Clears throat* Pardon me for completely forgetting who I was for a while. For too long of a while. Life tried to drown me in an icy pool of self-pity this winter, and even though I'd come up for a big gulp of air every once in a while, I would quickly find myself back under water.
Allowing myself to drown in self pity is not me though. I mean, I've gone through enough struggles in my life, but I usually pull myself up and out quickly with graceful determination.
My wonderful Aunt Denise tagged me in an article on Facebook today listing the characteristics of an "Alpha Female Bad Ass." Hell yeah! My whole life I've been an independent, strong-willed fighter, and yet this winter I lost that sense of self.
Well, winter is fucking over. This past month I saddled up my big girl boot straps (errr, however the saying goes) and got to work reigniting my passion for my profession and working hard to stop any "victim mentality" tendencies that threatened to overtake me.
I obtained some new clients at work who are focused and ready to work because they have real goals to reach, and they are counting on me to kick their butts and hold them accountable - a responsibility I do not take lightly. I also worked hard to get a few past clients back into the gym and inspired them to set some real goals for themselves. It motivates me to motivate them, and I am excited to be good and busy again at work.
I also have a new manager at work who is female. Her gender is important to note because I was a bit skeptical prior to meeting her after the worst boss I've ever had in the past was female. But my new manager has squashed all my fears and has brought a new, positive energy to my work environment. In fact, I was a bit taken aback last week when I was reading a fitness article and she just sat down next to me to chat about my experience with the company and my goals for the future. She also asks me for my input and values my opinion. I've never really experienced that before, but it has reminded me that after pushing aside all my insecurities, I can look in the mirror and see a confident woman who takes her profession very seriously.
And just today, another trainer who is new to the business but not much younger than me, came to me with tears in her eyes asking for advice on how to be more organized. I empathized because I know exactly how it feels to be overwhelmed when dealing with a new career, and sharing my experience with her along with what works for me reminded me that I am fully capable of being a leader despite my introverted personality.
During the first few months after moving to Chicago 13 years ago, I was incredibly poor and was having difficulty getting my old life in Ohio transferred to my new life in the big city. I was frustrated beyond belief dealing with real, actual, adult responsibilities for the first time in my life. My Dad, back in Ohio and somewhat unsympathetic to my situation, sent a note containing no more than $2, which he specified was to be put toward an "ice cream cone." I was definitely hoping to see a $50 bill in that note, but instead he wrote, "There will always be some problems, but that's life. Welcome to the real world." He was right. As a result, I did not choose to lay down and die. I worked my ass off to make everything work. Because that is who I am. I am a fighter. I am an ALPHA FEMALE BAD ASS, dammit!
Along with the 2 bucks, which I absolutely put toward an ice cream cone, my Dad also sent this quote which is never far from my mind when I'm struggling with life:
"Attacking is the only secret. Dare, and the world always yields; or, if it beats you down sometimes, dare it again, and it will succumb." - William Makepeace Thackeray
*Clears throat* Pardon me for completely forgetting who I was for a while. For too long of a while. Life tried to drown me in an icy pool of self-pity this winter, and even though I'd come up for a big gulp of air every once in a while, I would quickly find myself back under water.
Allowing myself to drown in self pity is not me though. I mean, I've gone through enough struggles in my life, but I usually pull myself up and out quickly with graceful determination.
My wonderful Aunt Denise tagged me in an article on Facebook today listing the characteristics of an "Alpha Female Bad Ass." Hell yeah! My whole life I've been an independent, strong-willed fighter, and yet this winter I lost that sense of self.
Well, winter is fucking over. This past month I saddled up my big girl boot straps (errr, however the saying goes) and got to work reigniting my passion for my profession and working hard to stop any "victim mentality" tendencies that threatened to overtake me.
I obtained some new clients at work who are focused and ready to work because they have real goals to reach, and they are counting on me to kick their butts and hold them accountable - a responsibility I do not take lightly. I also worked hard to get a few past clients back into the gym and inspired them to set some real goals for themselves. It motivates me to motivate them, and I am excited to be good and busy again at work.
I also have a new manager at work who is female. Her gender is important to note because I was a bit skeptical prior to meeting her after the worst boss I've ever had in the past was female. But my new manager has squashed all my fears and has brought a new, positive energy to my work environment. In fact, I was a bit taken aback last week when I was reading a fitness article and she just sat down next to me to chat about my experience with the company and my goals for the future. She also asks me for my input and values my opinion. I've never really experienced that before, but it has reminded me that after pushing aside all my insecurities, I can look in the mirror and see a confident woman who takes her profession very seriously.
And just today, another trainer who is new to the business but not much younger than me, came to me with tears in her eyes asking for advice on how to be more organized. I empathized because I know exactly how it feels to be overwhelmed when dealing with a new career, and sharing my experience with her along with what works for me reminded me that I am fully capable of being a leader despite my introverted personality.
During the first few months after moving to Chicago 13 years ago, I was incredibly poor and was having difficulty getting my old life in Ohio transferred to my new life in the big city. I was frustrated beyond belief dealing with real, actual, adult responsibilities for the first time in my life. My Dad, back in Ohio and somewhat unsympathetic to my situation, sent a note containing no more than $2, which he specified was to be put toward an "ice cream cone." I was definitely hoping to see a $50 bill in that note, but instead he wrote, "There will always be some problems, but that's life. Welcome to the real world." He was right. As a result, I did not choose to lay down and die. I worked my ass off to make everything work. Because that is who I am. I am a fighter. I am an ALPHA FEMALE BAD ASS, dammit!
Along with the 2 bucks, which I absolutely put toward an ice cream cone, my Dad also sent this quote which is never far from my mind when I'm struggling with life:
"Attacking is the only secret. Dare, and the world always yields; or, if it beats you down sometimes, dare it again, and it will succumb." - William Makepeace Thackeray
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Fresh Out of Fucks to Give
One of the reasons I started this blog is so I could have the opportunity to express my opinions, thoughts, and feelings without interruption, objection, or judgement. I mean, of course you are still able to judge me, but at least I can't see your face silently criticizing me! Not that the subjects I write about are very controversial or anything, but I do find myself avoiding rocking the boat by keeping my posts fairly neutral.
I also tend to be very passive and agreeable in person, even when I don't necessarily agree with whatever is being said. I worry too much about how I'm perceived and I'd rather die than have anyone be mad at me. But at almost 36 years old, I think it may be far more important to be respected for living authentically and standing my ground rather than worried about someone being mad at me because I don't agree with them. I think it's time for me to stop fearing judgement and start expressing my opinions, regardless of the fact that others may not see eye to eye with me.
I have always fought hard to keep the peace with my friends and coworkers, but it might be fun to stir the pot a bit for once in my life. Incidentally, my BFF is always brutally honest, and incidentally, I respect him tremendously, even though I don't always like what he has to say. Most of the time he's right, but sometimes he's wrong. Even so, he has an opinion and he's not afraid to share it. I admire that. I'd be a lot less anxious if I just stopped giving a fuck about what people think.
For the first time in 36 years, I am confident with my journey and the way I have chosen to live my life. My lifestyle is different from the average 36 year old mid-western white girl, and I'm more than okay with that. For so long I felt pressured by society to not be okay with it, and therefore my confidence suffered because I wasn't doing/saying/acting/being the same as everyone else. But, my life and the way I live it is my choice. And even though it may not be ideal all of the time, it is still MY life. I don't judge you for your choices even when I can't relate or don't want the same things as you do.
It is also important to remember that people don't care as much about my life as much as I think they do. I have to accept that it's okay for someone to be upset with me, and realize that if they value having me in their life, they'll get over it. If not, they'll move on and so will I.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Introvert Problems
Every time someone asks me to tell them more about myself, my brain freezes and struggles to start up again, not unlike a YouTube video pausing to buffer.
I'm comfortable with being open and sharing details in my journals and in my blog, but I'm terrible with answering questions about my thoughts and feelings in person. I fear intimate communication with another person because what if they judge me? What if I hastily say something I don't really mean? Or, horror of horrors, what if I unintentionally use a word that doesn't have the meaning I think it does?! I'm not a walking thesaurus for crying out loud!
A certain person very close to me, for example, can talk and talk and talk and eloquently chuck out metaphors and analogies as effortlessly as singing something as familiar as Happy Birthday. And even though I should be listening to what is being said, I often find myself trying to figure out how one can spit such mad English game without completely dissecting the meaning of each word first, or rearranging each sentence of every thought, which is exactly what I do in my blog before I decide that I am, in fact, conveying the specific point in which I'm attempting to communicate. Even after rehashing the same sentence 9000 times, I'm still not totally confident I got it right.
Besides struggling with off-the-cuff communication, I remember having lots of trouble "being myself" in high school. In fact, authenticity was a major subject of concern in my journals when I was a teenager. I can distinctly remember many incidents where I was paralyzed by a blank mind in social situations.
While sitting next to a boy I had a huge crush on in 12th grade English class, for example, my brain kept urging me to talk to him, even though the same asshole brain didn't provide me with anything meaningful to say.
Thanks to the discovery of alcohol in college though, I was able to muster up enough liquid courage to talk to anybody and everybody at parties, but I still wasn't being "me." I was simply being someone who was talking a lot because her inhibitions were lowered by a chemical means. I don't drink much anymore, so more often than not, I find myself feeling like that quiet, awkward, and anxious teenager all over again.
So what am I afraid of? I like who I am, so why can't I completely let go when I'm in the presence of others?
I think the answer lies within the fact that I greatly identify with an introverted personality type.
Unfortunately, the Google definition for introvert isn't very flattering:
in·tro·vert
/ˈintrəˌvərt/
Noun
A shy, reticent, and typically self-centered person.
A person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things.
Oh sweet Jesus. This definition makes me feel like I'm not at all the type of person who has any business having any kind of relationship with any human ever. Holy shit.
Thankfully, I firmly believe this definition is total crap. I'm not very "shy," as I was a cheerleader all through high school, and my approachable demeanor is probably my best asset regarding my career as a personal trainer. And although I am very introspective and "concerned with my own thoughts and feelings," I do happen to be in the business (literally) of helping people and considering what is best for individuals other than myself. Just because I get all of my energy from within, does not mean that I cannot be an asset to others or am incapable of fostering successful relationships. In fact, I'm incredibly caring and have an endless capacity for love. I am simply affected differently by the outside world compared to someone that identifies with an extroverted personality type.
For instance, I need alone time. I suffer from people exhaustion and often reach a point where I find myself needing to step away and not be anywhere near other humans. I'm sensitive to too much noise, and I find it difficult to concentrate with chaos all around me. My job is loud. I mean, it is LOUD. Working in a gym means constant chatter, blow-the-brains-out-of-your-ears music, and clanging of iron weights and metal cables, which can make me bat shit crazy after hearing it alllll.. dayyyy.. lonnnng. Therefore, I often don't feel like making plans and engaging in conversation after work because I find myself in desperate need of silence and space to think.
Conversely, when I worked in an office I barely spoke during the day and spent most of the nine hour workday alone in my cube. All of my energy had been safely contained throughout the week, allowing me to acquire enough fuel stores to use for socializing by the weekend. But now that I'm a personal trainer, I'm completely wiped out by the end of the day and week from constantly dispensing my all of my energy to my clients. The career that I love has killed my social life, which is one of the reasons I have previously stated in this post that the grass of a career changer isn't always greener. It's just different.
I'm not completely socially inept, though, nor am I limited when it comes to being successful despite my very loud, chaotic, and social career. In fact, according to this article from Forbes magazine titled, Why Introverts Can Make Great Leaders:
"Introverted leaders think before they speak. Even in casual conversations, they consider others' comments carefully, and they stop and reflect before responding. ... Introverted leaders usually prefer writing to talking. This comfort with the written word often helps them better articulate their positions and document their actions. ... Introverted leaders are energized by spending time alone. They suffer from people exhaustion and need to retreat to recharge their batteries frequently. These regular timeouts actually fuel their thinking, creativity and decision-making and, when the pressure is on, help them be responsive, not reactive."
I've exhibited reserved or "closed-off" behaviors for as long as I can remember. Even as a toddler I never offered to share my toys or my thoughts. My Mom has told me that any time I got hurt or was upset about something as a child, I went off to be by myself instead of having her help or comfort me. Additionally, I loathed working in groups in school, and would rather figure out a solution to a problem on my own than ask for help. I often chose to play alone rather than with the neighborhood kids too. Even in high school, it wasn't uncommon for me to choose to stay at home and watch movies or write in my journal when everyone else was at parties or on dates. I was often made to feel guilty by friends and family for being such a recluse, but laying low was necessary for me, and it even made me happy.
For so many years I neglected the childhood self with whom I was so comfortable, and instead wasted so much time as a teenager and young adult trying so hard to be someone I'm not. After all, society prizes big personalities. Somewhere along the line, "me" became unacceptable and I hated myself for not embodying society's personality of preference.
I can recall when my tenth grade Humanities teacher had us write each student's name on small squares of paper, along with three words that described how we perceived each student. They were to be anonymous since everyone got to see what everyone else thought about them. Nearly every square of paper with my name on it had the same three qualities written on it. According to my classmates, I was perceived as quiet, nice, and pretty. I was so surprised and offended that everyone thought I was QUIET! To me, that meant that everyone thought I was a loser. Popular people aren't "quiet," after all.
Then, within a few days of beginning my life as a college freshman, a student I had developed a crush on quietly uttered to my roommate at a party that I was "nice," but had "zero personality." Again, I was heartbroken, offended, and convinced that I was completely socially inept.
After moving to a big city post college, I thought that the only way I would ever hack it in a fast-paced city lifestyle would be to plug myself as an ambitious business woman ready and willing to take on the world! I landed some very cushy and coveted corporate jobs with that attitude, but I was completely miserable. During my ten years hashing it out in various cubes, I never once felt like I was being true to myself in the business world. Of course, I didn't realize that I wasn't being true to myself back then. I figured I was unhappy because I was too unintelligent and lazy to be successful in a corporate environment.
If only I knew then what I know now. But, alas, with age comes wisdom. I do wish that I could go back and tell my tenth grade self that qualities such as quiet, nice, and pretty are decent qualities to posses, and that at least I had enough sense and was mature enough to know how and when to hold my tongue.
I wish I could go back to my college freshman self and tell her to brush off the "zero personality" comment, because although it takes time to get to know me, it's fucking worth it. I'm proud of the fact that I can't be figured out within the first five minutes of talking to me. I'd also tell her that not drinking like a fish just to come off as having "more personality" is okay too.
As for my young adult self struggling in the business world, I'd tell her to hang in there, because she isn't doomed to thrive in a world that's all about numbers, and not at all about people. That through experience, she'll eventually discover her passion for fitness and find herself successful in a professional environment where she does, in fact, belong.
I know I can't completely change my personality, and I certainly wouldn't want to change it! Because that would mean compromising my authenticity, and after so many years I've finally learned to accept and be happy that I'm not Ms. Big Personality. I'm totally okay with being Stephanie.
However, accepting my introverted personality type doesn't mean I can't learn a valuable lesson or two from extroverts. I mean, even though some extroverts terrify me with their loud, exuberant ways, many of my best friends over the years have been extroverts. The extroverts in my life have taught me to be more assertive, and assertiveness is the quality I admire most about the extroverted personality, because not one ounce of assertiveness comes naturally to me.
I've grown tremendously over the years from being influenced by my extroverted counterparts. For example, if I'm working with a client and I have plans to use the leg press machine, then I will kick a meat-head off of it if I have to, and I won't feel bad about it. There is simply no room for passivity in my business. There just isn't. Or, if there are clients that need my help to lose weight, then I won't let them get away with making excuses and taking the path of least resistance, because they are paying me to hold them accountable. These are aspects of myself that I couldn't fathom adopting ten years ago.
Most importantly, my favorite extroverts in the world have also taught me that success stems from being yourself, no matter whom may or may not like it. I admire the fearlessness and confidence of the extroverts I know, and I find that I'm most successful when I simply "do me." Although I struggle with authenticity, I know that the more I practice believing in myself, the more I will grow and continue to be successful, because no one else can possibly "do me" the way I do.
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