Life is never easy. There are moments in life that are effortless and easy, but life itself is not easy, per se. Well, no life worth living, that is. Right? Or am I wrong? I'm always fighting to become stronger, happier, and smarter, and that's not easy. I'm exhausted most of the time. I'm exhausted from trying so hard. I'm exhausted from trying, succeeding, and then having to keep trying to be even more successful. It's a cycle that never ends. Instead of living in the moment and basking in happiness, I constantly feel pressure from myself to be more, and to do more. Most of the time, no matter how much I accomplish, I still feel lazy and behind everyone else. I want so much more, but I am discouraged at the thought of how much more I'd need to drain myself to get there. And once I get there, won't I pressure myself to find a reason to want and work for even more anyway? Is trying to be the best of your best worth it? Is it worth feeling completely wiped out all of the time? I never feel like I'm good enough no matter what I do anyway. I'm afraid to give myself a break, because what if I get so comfortable that I end up giving up on my dreams completely? Sometimes I feel like there is no right way to live life. There are always difficult sacrifices and trade-offs which make me think it may be impossible to "have it all." Hope and a positive attitude keep me from giving up, but I have yet to experience even a glimpse of "having it all." Instead of trying so damn hard, maybe I should just let go and let life play out. But if I do that, won't I end up watching life pass me by? If I keep relentlessly trying to have everything I want, on the other hand, will I ever truly let myself be satisfied? There is a fine line in there somewhere, and I have yet to pinpoint that line.
Last year around this time I was experiencing some major uncertainties in my life. I was $13 short on my rent and seriously reconsidering my career as a personal trainer. Do I stick with it? Do I give up now and save myself further grief? Back and forth, back and forth my brain was volleying options like a tennis ball. No option seemed like a good one and so I was paralyzed with indecision. But then, at my lowest point, desperately seeking a sign for which direction to take, I was walking to the train one night after work and found exactly $13 on the street. Just enough to cover the full amount of my rent. It was a sign to keep going, and I soon found myself accelerating in my career.
One year later, I don't consider myself in a low spot, per se, but I do find myself facing uncertainties again. I feel pressure by society and myself to avoid settling for current circumstances, and instead to seek out and work for bigger and better goals.
Some people work their whole lives at the same job and they are happy. Other people relentlessly pursue their passions and are not happy. I worked at the same job for years and wished it made me happy, but I was too restless and felt pressure from within to want more for myself. Now that I'm one of those people who works relentlessly to live off of what they are passionate about, I feel happy when I'm doing my work, but anxious and exhausted from the difficulties in making it work.
I've embraced the frequently choppy waters that accompany my sail through life, but that doesn't mean I handle it well. I'm emotionally sensitive and over think everything. Risk is a word that I dislike, and yet that word has defined a major part of the past 2 years of my life. According to society, countless self-help books, and those eye-roll inducing inspirational memes on Pinterest, taking risks is supposed to make me happy, but mostly the idea of taking a risk makes me crazy. But so does staying idle. This is why life is not easy. I'm constantly paralyzed by infinite options and both major and minor decisions, so more often than not, I remain idle while entertaining the risks I want to take.
I don't regret a single risk I've ever taken though. Dealing with sacrifices has definitely been the most difficult part of any risk I've taken, but I've also gained strength, insight, and wisdom from navigating my way through choppy waters. There may not be a right way to live life, but dealing with the challenges of perpetually chasing your dreams rather than the challenges regretting risks not taken can't possibly be wrong.
