I have a lot of trouble being "present" or "in the moment." As much as I practice yoga or practice redirecting my brain from ruminating, more often than not I find my mind drifting to events of the past or anxiously peering into a future riddled with uncertainty. In other words, my brain is usually anywhere but "here." It has dawned on me that when I do look back on my life though, I wish I would have appreciated whatever I was going through at any particular time, good or bad, but especially good. It has dawned on me that I take a lot of cool stuff about my life for granted.
I recently had a conversation with my BFF about how doing laundry really makes me feel like I have my shit together. I gushed to him that something about the cleansing, the folding, the organizing and putting away that makes me feel like I really have everything in line. He commented in response to my passionate rant about domestic chores, "But you do have your shit together. You're just too busy always comparing yourself to others." OMG. TOTES. If I just remembered to pause and realize that I'm exactly where I need to be right now at this time in my life, I'd be a whole lot happier and less anxious about my circumstances.
It's like I purposely avoid eye contact with the present moment, even though the present moment is really the only thing that ever matters. Nothing lasts forever, good or bad, and no one is truly stuck anywhere, so why would I ever let my happiness be compromised by external circumstances that aren't permanent anyway?
Bear with me for this next sentence, but I think that by looking into the future to look back at the present as the past, I'd find a lot more happiness, and would express far more gratitude to God for my life. An example of this came to me this week as I thought about how as a kid I used to vacation in North Carolina with my family during summertime for two whole weeks. For the love. TWO WHOLE WEEKS! I didn't quite appreciate my good fortune too much at the time, but holy shit if I knew back then that spending two weeks at the coast would nearly be impossible for me as an adult, I might have eaten more ice cream cones while walking along the beach. I might have spent an extra hour every day with my toes in the sand. I definitely would have shown more gratitude toward my parents for blessing me with such an incredible opportunity every summer of my already awesome childhood.
Obviously, being an adult is a bit different though, because life is more about responsibility and not always about fun. There are plenty of ups and downs and plenty of times where I let the downs take over my life. But I tend to look back at various times during my adult life in Chicago when I thought I wasn't happy and realize that I still had it really good. So I don't understand why I don't embrace and appreciate my current circumstances a little more. This is my life. It's happening. But I tend not to wholly appreciate my life until I can only reflect upon moments that have passed. Even the not-so-rosy experiences only exist to teach me, and although I know deep down that rocky roads make me stronger, it's so easy to forget and get incredibly frustrated when things aren't going my way.
My current life situation is that I'm 35 years old and living with roommates, which isn't as easy or as comfortable as living solo, and at times I get so worked up about it that I feel as if my emotional well being is teetering on the edge of a cliff. Additionally, my career as a personal trainer is completely exhausting and time consuming, and I make very little money to show for my relentless hard work. I'll admit that I get annoyed by my life sometimes. Okay, I get annoyed a lot of times. But, why? What's the point? When I force myself to look at the big picture, or as I mentioned previously, when I force myself to "look into the future to look back at the present as the past," I immediately remember that I'm truly blessed because I LOVE my career, and I'm getting by just fine, so I shouldn't worry about not making a ton of money. Also, I LOVE paying cheap rent. I LOVE living with my BFF. And I deeply value the opportunity to reside in an international household (my other roommate is Taiwanese and my BFF and his parents - who live downstairs - are Chilean). My situation works. For now, that is. Living with roommates won't be forever, and I may not have the good fortune to be a trainer forever, so why not just enjoy my life for what it is right now?
When I stop comparing myself to others and really pause to take in the moment, I realize that I'm lucky beyond measure. I need to spend more time appreciating my crazy life situations at any point in time for what they are right here and right now, and take pleasure in the fact that whatever I'm experiencing is just another step in the path of the unconventional life that I'm so happy I chose to lead over a traditional one. My life is never boring. Never. How amazing and fortunate for me! I need to remember that it's pointless to stress about what I haven't yet accomplished in life when I know in my heart that if I want something bad enough, I WILL make it happen. And for crying out loud, I need to let today be today... This hour be this hour... This minute be this minute. And in this moment, I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Monday, March 17, 2014
Introvert Problems
Every time someone asks me to tell them more about myself, my brain freezes and struggles to start up again, not unlike a YouTube video pausing to buffer.
I'm comfortable with being open and sharing details in my journals and in my blog, but I'm terrible with answering questions about my thoughts and feelings in person. I fear intimate communication with another person because what if they judge me? What if I hastily say something I don't really mean? Or, horror of horrors, what if I unintentionally use a word that doesn't have the meaning I think it does?! I'm not a walking thesaurus for crying out loud!
A certain person very close to me, for example, can talk and talk and talk and eloquently chuck out metaphors and analogies as effortlessly as singing something as familiar as Happy Birthday. And even though I should be listening to what is being said, I often find myself trying to figure out how one can spit such mad English game without completely dissecting the meaning of each word first, or rearranging each sentence of every thought, which is exactly what I do in my blog before I decide that I am, in fact, conveying the specific point in which I'm attempting to communicate. Even after rehashing the same sentence 9000 times, I'm still not totally confident I got it right.
Besides struggling with off-the-cuff communication, I remember having lots of trouble "being myself" in high school. In fact, authenticity was a major subject of concern in my journals when I was a teenager. I can distinctly remember many incidents where I was paralyzed by a blank mind in social situations.
While sitting next to a boy I had a huge crush on in 12th grade English class, for example, my brain kept urging me to talk to him, even though the same asshole brain didn't provide me with anything meaningful to say.
Thanks to the discovery of alcohol in college though, I was able to muster up enough liquid courage to talk to anybody and everybody at parties, but I still wasn't being "me." I was simply being someone who was talking a lot because her inhibitions were lowered by a chemical means. I don't drink much anymore, so more often than not, I find myself feeling like that quiet, awkward, and anxious teenager all over again.
So what am I afraid of? I like who I am, so why can't I completely let go when I'm in the presence of others?
I think the answer lies within the fact that I greatly identify with an introverted personality type.
Unfortunately, the Google definition for introvert isn't very flattering:
in·tro·vert
/ˈintrəˌvərt/
Noun
A shy, reticent, and typically self-centered person.
A person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things.
Oh sweet Jesus. This definition makes me feel like I'm not at all the type of person who has any business having any kind of relationship with any human ever. Holy shit.
Thankfully, I firmly believe this definition is total crap. I'm not very "shy," as I was a cheerleader all through high school, and my approachable demeanor is probably my best asset regarding my career as a personal trainer. And although I am very introspective and "concerned with my own thoughts and feelings," I do happen to be in the business (literally) of helping people and considering what is best for individuals other than myself. Just because I get all of my energy from within, does not mean that I cannot be an asset to others or am incapable of fostering successful relationships. In fact, I'm incredibly caring and have an endless capacity for love. I am simply affected differently by the outside world compared to someone that identifies with an extroverted personality type.
For instance, I need alone time. I suffer from people exhaustion and often reach a point where I find myself needing to step away and not be anywhere near other humans. I'm sensitive to too much noise, and I find it difficult to concentrate with chaos all around me. My job is loud. I mean, it is LOUD. Working in a gym means constant chatter, blow-the-brains-out-of-your-ears music, and clanging of iron weights and metal cables, which can make me bat shit crazy after hearing it alllll.. dayyyy.. lonnnng. Therefore, I often don't feel like making plans and engaging in conversation after work because I find myself in desperate need of silence and space to think.
Conversely, when I worked in an office I barely spoke during the day and spent most of the nine hour workday alone in my cube. All of my energy had been safely contained throughout the week, allowing me to acquire enough fuel stores to use for socializing by the weekend. But now that I'm a personal trainer, I'm completely wiped out by the end of the day and week from constantly dispensing my all of my energy to my clients. The career that I love has killed my social life, which is one of the reasons I have previously stated in this post that the grass of a career changer isn't always greener. It's just different.
I'm not completely socially inept, though, nor am I limited when it comes to being successful despite my very loud, chaotic, and social career. In fact, according to this article from Forbes magazine titled, Why Introverts Can Make Great Leaders:
"Introverted leaders think before they speak. Even in casual conversations, they consider others' comments carefully, and they stop and reflect before responding. ... Introverted leaders usually prefer writing to talking. This comfort with the written word often helps them better articulate their positions and document their actions. ... Introverted leaders are energized by spending time alone. They suffer from people exhaustion and need to retreat to recharge their batteries frequently. These regular timeouts actually fuel their thinking, creativity and decision-making and, when the pressure is on, help them be responsive, not reactive."
I've exhibited reserved or "closed-off" behaviors for as long as I can remember. Even as a toddler I never offered to share my toys or my thoughts. My Mom has told me that any time I got hurt or was upset about something as a child, I went off to be by myself instead of having her help or comfort me. Additionally, I loathed working in groups in school, and would rather figure out a solution to a problem on my own than ask for help. I often chose to play alone rather than with the neighborhood kids too. Even in high school, it wasn't uncommon for me to choose to stay at home and watch movies or write in my journal when everyone else was at parties or on dates. I was often made to feel guilty by friends and family for being such a recluse, but laying low was necessary for me, and it even made me happy.
For so many years I neglected the childhood self with whom I was so comfortable, and instead wasted so much time as a teenager and young adult trying so hard to be someone I'm not. After all, society prizes big personalities. Somewhere along the line, "me" became unacceptable and I hated myself for not embodying society's personality of preference.
I can recall when my tenth grade Humanities teacher had us write each student's name on small squares of paper, along with three words that described how we perceived each student. They were to be anonymous since everyone got to see what everyone else thought about them. Nearly every square of paper with my name on it had the same three qualities written on it. According to my classmates, I was perceived as quiet, nice, and pretty. I was so surprised and offended that everyone thought I was QUIET! To me, that meant that everyone thought I was a loser. Popular people aren't "quiet," after all.
Then, within a few days of beginning my life as a college freshman, a student I had developed a crush on quietly uttered to my roommate at a party that I was "nice," but had "zero personality." Again, I was heartbroken, offended, and convinced that I was completely socially inept.
After moving to a big city post college, I thought that the only way I would ever hack it in a fast-paced city lifestyle would be to plug myself as an ambitious business woman ready and willing to take on the world! I landed some very cushy and coveted corporate jobs with that attitude, but I was completely miserable. During my ten years hashing it out in various cubes, I never once felt like I was being true to myself in the business world. Of course, I didn't realize that I wasn't being true to myself back then. I figured I was unhappy because I was too unintelligent and lazy to be successful in a corporate environment.
If only I knew then what I know now. But, alas, with age comes wisdom. I do wish that I could go back and tell my tenth grade self that qualities such as quiet, nice, and pretty are decent qualities to posses, and that at least I had enough sense and was mature enough to know how and when to hold my tongue.
I wish I could go back to my college freshman self and tell her to brush off the "zero personality" comment, because although it takes time to get to know me, it's fucking worth it. I'm proud of the fact that I can't be figured out within the first five minutes of talking to me. I'd also tell her that not drinking like a fish just to come off as having "more personality" is okay too.
As for my young adult self struggling in the business world, I'd tell her to hang in there, because she isn't doomed to thrive in a world that's all about numbers, and not at all about people. That through experience, she'll eventually discover her passion for fitness and find herself successful in a professional environment where she does, in fact, belong.
I know I can't completely change my personality, and I certainly wouldn't want to change it! Because that would mean compromising my authenticity, and after so many years I've finally learned to accept and be happy that I'm not Ms. Big Personality. I'm totally okay with being Stephanie.
However, accepting my introverted personality type doesn't mean I can't learn a valuable lesson or two from extroverts. I mean, even though some extroverts terrify me with their loud, exuberant ways, many of my best friends over the years have been extroverts. The extroverts in my life have taught me to be more assertive, and assertiveness is the quality I admire most about the extroverted personality, because not one ounce of assertiveness comes naturally to me.
I've grown tremendously over the years from being influenced by my extroverted counterparts. For example, if I'm working with a client and I have plans to use the leg press machine, then I will kick a meat-head off of it if I have to, and I won't feel bad about it. There is simply no room for passivity in my business. There just isn't. Or, if there are clients that need my help to lose weight, then I won't let them get away with making excuses and taking the path of least resistance, because they are paying me to hold them accountable. These are aspects of myself that I couldn't fathom adopting ten years ago.
Most importantly, my favorite extroverts in the world have also taught me that success stems from being yourself, no matter whom may or may not like it. I admire the fearlessness and confidence of the extroverts I know, and I find that I'm most successful when I simply "do me." Although I struggle with authenticity, I know that the more I practice believing in myself, the more I will grow and continue to be successful, because no one else can possibly "do me" the way I do.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
2014 - A "Rebuilding" Year
Regarding sports, whether professional or college, I often hear that teams find themselves going through a "rebuilding" season or two after several stellar seasons, and after the star players either retire or graduate. The first year is always expected to be tough when there are so many new players involved. Teams find themselves losing games despite relentless hard work during the "rebuilding" time period, but only until they can gain experience and learn to find a formula that works, ultimately leading the team to more wins than losses.
After going through some really stellar years in my life, and then deciding to make a total life change, I found myself starting all over again, not unlike a former championship sports team. I believe that the hardest part is now over though, and there has been a solid foundation built, which is providing the groundwork for many potential future championship years.
***
Sometimes I forget that writing brings me peace. Writing is usually the solution to any problem I'm dealing with, and yet I've all but neglected my favorite outlet during the entire year of 2013.
Writing clears the junk in my head, and therefore creates room for happiness. But for the past year, I couldn't even make the effort to sit down and write. I felt very diluted and sort of dumbed-down and couldn't seem to get my head straight and organized enough to take the time to do what I need to do in order to foster my love of writing in 2013.
But my severe writer's block didn't just happen for no reason. My life completely changed in 2013, and I had a desperately difficult time adjusting to my altered existence, including finding the time and energy to sit down and churn out a blog post.
Now let's backtrack a little. You see, the story of my writing rise and eventual demise all started in 2011 when I decided there were two things missing from my life that I desperately wanted: a boyfriend and a career that I loved.
After going through some really stellar years in my life, and then deciding to make a total life change, I found myself starting all over again, not unlike a former championship sports team. I believe that the hardest part is now over though, and there has been a solid foundation built, which is providing the groundwork for many potential future championship years.
***
Sometimes I forget that writing brings me peace. Writing is usually the solution to any problem I'm dealing with, and yet I've all but neglected my favorite outlet during the entire year of 2013.
Writing clears the junk in my head, and therefore creates room for happiness. But for the past year, I couldn't even make the effort to sit down and write. I felt very diluted and sort of dumbed-down and couldn't seem to get my head straight and organized enough to take the time to do what I need to do in order to foster my love of writing in 2013.
But my severe writer's block didn't just happen for no reason. My life completely changed in 2013, and I had a desperately difficult time adjusting to my altered existence, including finding the time and energy to sit down and churn out a blog post.
Now let's backtrack a little. You see, the story of my writing rise and eventual demise all started in 2011 when I decided there were two things missing from my life that I desperately wanted: a boyfriend and a career that I loved.
Looking back though, my life was really freakin' great in 2011. I had a steady job and made decent money to pretty much do as I pleased. I had no debt save for a manageable chunk of the pesky student loan variety. I had plenty of time and energy to volunteer, work out, and visit with friends & family. Had I not hated my job so much back then, or weren't so hung up on bemoaning my single status, I'd go so far as to say that my life was pretty damn near perfect. But, as human nature would have it, near perfect wasn't good enough, and I wanted more. I wanted two more things, specifically. BIG things. And although I knew they were BIG, I had no idea back then that actually acquiring a boyfriend and a new career would impact and change my life in ways I'd never have imagined, yet not entirely for the better...
Ok so fast forward to the beginning of 2013, approximately two years after I had stopped dreaming and started pursuing, and I finally had everything I've ever wanted. I should have been overjoyed, right? However, I found myself overwhelmed by the work and responsibility of having both a boyfriend and a demanding career, and was bummed out by the sacrifices it takes to be successful with each. I may have had what I wanted, but it didn't come without sacrificing things I didn't really want to sacrifice, which caused a fucking confusing mess in my head.
Regarding my new career as a personal trainer, for instance, I had to re-learn how to be as poor as a newly minted and naive college grad as I faced the daunting task of building my business from scratch. And even though I consider myself successful with my career now, I learned early on that personal training is a career in which one can never truly be comfortable, and one can always face a "bad month" following a "good month." Not knowing how much money I'm going to bring in each month is terrifying, and I had some pretty shabby months that caused a lot of stress during 2013.
Additionally, sacrificing a lifestyle I was well-accustomed to prior to my career change was something I was not prepared for when I resigned from Cubeville, USA. I had to give up shopping for pleasure, vacation days, frequently dining out, having enough energy to go out on the weekends, and pretty much doing anything other than work on a week night. Those are the things I loved about my old life, but immediately had to relinquish when I became a personal trainer.
Navigating through the first year of my new career was a difficult road, but make no mistake, it was a road that was dotted with many notable rewards along the way. While I wouldn't change my choice to switch careers, I just wish I hadn't had to sacrifice what made me happy before I switched.
Additionally, sacrificing a lifestyle I was well-accustomed to prior to my career change was something I was not prepared for when I resigned from Cubeville, USA. I had to give up shopping for pleasure, vacation days, frequently dining out, having enough energy to go out on the weekends, and pretty much doing anything other than work on a week night. Those are the things I loved about my old life, but immediately had to relinquish when I became a personal trainer.
Navigating through the first year of my new career was a difficult road, but make no mistake, it was a road that was dotted with many notable rewards along the way. While I wouldn't change my choice to switch careers, I just wish I hadn't had to sacrifice what made me happy before I switched.
With regards to entering into a serious relationship and living with a boyfriend for the first time in my life, I learned quickly after becoming a couple that an independent mind doesn't exactly help a relationship to thrive. There was a lot of tension caused by my lack of sharing thoughts and not communicating issues. Being in a relationship with someone and living with them is a million times more difficult than I ever thought it'd be, as I'm not the biggest fan of compromise... or sharing.
My mind was also usually preoccupied with my main man and how his every move affected my life. I realize this is ridiculous and know that kind of thought process deeply hindered my growth and development as a grown ass woman last year, but I didn't know how to make it stop. I was being taught lesson after lesson, but would never really learn anything because I continued to repeat the same harmful patterns of jealousy, despondence, and defensiveness. I created situations in my head regarding the whereabouts or actions of my significant other that were completely false, then I'd proceed to shut down and offer up a heaping portion of passive-aggressive behavior when questioned about my withdrawal or negative attitude.
I recognize that I have the tendency to be really immature in relationships due to my lack of experience with them. There. I admit it. In the past year, I've learned that I'm not always right. In fact, I'm mostly wrong. My feelings are real, but they aren't necessarily justified.
In fact, I spent a lot of time in 2013 feeling as though everyone except me already knows how to navigate through the A,B,C's of relationships as easily as reciting the alphabet. But here I am at 35 years old still learning that L comes before M, which comes before N, which comes before O, etc.
I often wondered (and still do, truth be told) if I'm simply not cut out to be in a relationship, after all. Or at the very least that I'm simply not cut out for marriage. Instead of feeling whole or complete when I'm with someone, I usually feel like an imitation version of myself. The generic equivalent. During the rare periods of time when I am in a relationship, I feel as though I am not able to make simple decisions on my own, and even feel paralyzed by them. I tend to lose the ability to think for myself, and that terrifies me.
I'm incredibly independent by nature, so perhaps nature is constantly reminding me that I need to remain that way so as not to cause a glitch in the Matrix? I'm having a hard time typing this, because who the hell feels like they are better off being alone rather than with the person they do, indeed, love? Like, really, truly, love! That's crazy, right?!
I may have learned a lot of unfavorable qualities about myself during my relationship throughout the past year, but I do feel as if I've grown since learning them, and I'm continuing to learn on a daily basis. I have the good fortune of being with someone who is nothing but honest. And that honesty, although extremely startling and painful at times, is exactly what I need in order to consistently improve myself.
But don't get me wrong, living with a significant other can also be THE FUNNEST!! Having someone around who always makes me laugh and always knows how to reassure me that everything is going to be okay when I have trouble seeing light at the end of the tunnel is something for which I'm eternally thankful. I have a lot of love to give, and nothing makes me happier than coming home after a long day and snuggling up to the one I truly love with all my heart.
I constantly crave peace, order, tranquility and creativity. But for most of 2013, I felt as if I didn't have those things in my life anymore. I recall fondly that I once did have those things. I used to feel smart even around people I considered smarter than me. But for the past year I've been so distracted and/or consumed with dealing with the changes in my life that I felt as though I had nothing to contribute and that my thoughts and opinions were completely nonsensical anyway. I spent a lot of time feeling as though I'm getting older and dumber, not older and wiser.
My mind was also usually preoccupied with my main man and how his every move affected my life. I realize this is ridiculous and know that kind of thought process deeply hindered my growth and development as a grown ass woman last year, but I didn't know how to make it stop. I was being taught lesson after lesson, but would never really learn anything because I continued to repeat the same harmful patterns of jealousy, despondence, and defensiveness. I created situations in my head regarding the whereabouts or actions of my significant other that were completely false, then I'd proceed to shut down and offer up a heaping portion of passive-aggressive behavior when questioned about my withdrawal or negative attitude.
I recognize that I have the tendency to be really immature in relationships due to my lack of experience with them. There. I admit it. In the past year, I've learned that I'm not always right. In fact, I'm mostly wrong. My feelings are real, but they aren't necessarily justified.
In fact, I spent a lot of time in 2013 feeling as though everyone except me already knows how to navigate through the A,B,C's of relationships as easily as reciting the alphabet. But here I am at 35 years old still learning that L comes before M, which comes before N, which comes before O, etc.
I often wondered (and still do, truth be told) if I'm simply not cut out to be in a relationship, after all. Or at the very least that I'm simply not cut out for marriage. Instead of feeling whole or complete when I'm with someone, I usually feel like an imitation version of myself. The generic equivalent. During the rare periods of time when I am in a relationship, I feel as though I am not able to make simple decisions on my own, and even feel paralyzed by them. I tend to lose the ability to think for myself, and that terrifies me.
I'm incredibly independent by nature, so perhaps nature is constantly reminding me that I need to remain that way so as not to cause a glitch in the Matrix? I'm having a hard time typing this, because who the hell feels like they are better off being alone rather than with the person they do, indeed, love? Like, really, truly, love! That's crazy, right?!
I may have learned a lot of unfavorable qualities about myself during my relationship throughout the past year, but I do feel as if I've grown since learning them, and I'm continuing to learn on a daily basis. I have the good fortune of being with someone who is nothing but honest. And that honesty, although extremely startling and painful at times, is exactly what I need in order to consistently improve myself.
But don't get me wrong, living with a significant other can also be THE FUNNEST!! Having someone around who always makes me laugh and always knows how to reassure me that everything is going to be okay when I have trouble seeing light at the end of the tunnel is something for which I'm eternally thankful. I have a lot of love to give, and nothing makes me happier than coming home after a long day and snuggling up to the one I truly love with all my heart.
I constantly crave peace, order, tranquility and creativity. But for most of 2013, I felt as if I didn't have those things in my life anymore. I recall fondly that I once did have those things. I used to feel smart even around people I considered smarter than me. But for the past year I've been so distracted and/or consumed with dealing with the changes in my life that I felt as though I had nothing to contribute and that my thoughts and opinions were completely nonsensical anyway. I spent a lot of time feeling as though I'm getting older and dumber, not older and wiser.
But now it's 2014. A blank slate. And I plan to get my life back in order so that I'm happy, organized, motivated and successful in all areas of my life. So how do I plan to do this? Well, for starters, I've already set 14 goals for myself for 2014. As experience has taught me, setting goals - however big or small - really helps me stay organized and usually leads me to bigger and better things. So even if I haven't nailed down my next big life project, I find that setting smaller goals and accomplishing them usually leads me in the right direction.
Above all, my main goal is to get back to being me. The "me" before the career change, and before the relationship. I miss the Stephanie who blogged regularly, took solo walks that lasted for hours, was organized in every aspect of her life, spent lots of time with friends, cooked often, read often, watched independent and foreign films, frequently dined at new restaurants, and drank bubbly on the weekends. I miss that Stephanie. She was really freakin' happy. And while I never want to go back to work in an office just to make more money, I want to find a way to be happy with my career and not have to struggle so much financially.
Some sacrifices are required when making life changes, I realize this. But when all the good things before the big change are cancelled out to make room for the new stuff, it's time to question priorities and decide what is truly important in life. Therefore, it's time to "rebuild" my life and work towards reincorporating and holding on to all the good stuff that has and always will make my life so sweet.
Some sacrifices are required when making life changes, I realize this. But when all the good things before the big change are cancelled out to make room for the new stuff, it's time to question priorities and decide what is truly important in life. Therefore, it's time to "rebuild" my life and work towards reincorporating and holding on to all the good stuff that has and always will make my life so sweet.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Life of a Career Changer - One Year Later
One year has passed since I became a Certified Personal Trainer and was hired to work for Fitness Formula Clubs as such.
Shortly after jumping feet first into my new career, I declared in a Facebook status that the grass was greener on the side of my new career. But soon after I began to question whether or not it was, in fact, greener, or if the grass was simply a different color.
Working as a personal trainer is so much more difficult that I ever imagined, but it is also more rewarding than I ever imagined. For instance, whereas I was accustomed to getting paid to blog all day long and take two-hour lunch breaks at a corporate job I never took seriously, I now work my butt off and get paid very little, if at all. Sometimes, though, those hours of providing complimentary workouts and consultations are worth their weight in gold. It is an incredible feeling to open one's eyes to something new and something that is going to benefit that person greatly. That part is rewarding, yes. The part about struggling to pay my bills and not being able to see my friends because I can't afford leisurely activities is a little more difficult for me.
I have so much fun at work, though, and never ever have I ever once had a case of the "Mondays." The environment is positive, I get to make my own schedule (although I tend to work the opposite hours of a standard 9 to 5 shift). But the non-traditional schedule and the breaks in the middle of the day allow me to work out when the gym is empty, which is a feeling akin to having an entire playground to yourself. I also have the freedom to leave and go work out with my own coach if I so choose. I don't have to sit behind a desk all day staring at boring ass spreadsheets, which is certainly a plus. I have the freedom to dictate how I go about my day because no one is micromanaging my every move. On the flip side, my schedule differs daily and can change any minute, so it's hard for me to nail down some structure, which is a hurdle I still haven't overcome in a year's time.
I also work in a proverbial fish bowl, where I can be seen and observed at all times, which is a little uncomfortable for this introvert. In fact, I'll see club members on the street or in a coffee shop who will strike up a conversation with me about my job or the gym, and many times I could swear I've never seen the person before in my life. I'm still not used to that and not I'm not sure I will ever be comfortable with it. Whereas I used to grumble about the fact that I never saw anyone outside of the 8 people in my office and only talked to 3 of them, I suddenly work in an environment where over a thousand people pass through each day. Having to be "on" all day long is incredibly exhausting. At the end of the day, the last thing I want is to hear my own voice or any sort of noise for that matter. But I have learned to deal with the exhaustion, and I maintain that my clients are worth me at my best. If I don't bring the energy then I fail them, and that's unacceptable to me.
Additionally, even though I thought I escaped the corporate world, my job and the company I work for is far more corporate than I ever predicted. We have monthly goals and weekly meetings, and I find myself checking my work email ALL THE TIME. Sometimes all that stuff makes me feel like a sellout, but most of the time I don't mind it. I deal with that stuff because my personal mission, which is most important and what I'm most disciplined about, is making sure that I'm there for my clients by doing whatever I need to do to go above and beyond to help them reach their goals.
In a year's time, I've also had time to discover and develop the type of trainer I am. I love training people (especially runners) with little to zero weight training experience. Starting from 0 and watching people become stronger and physically change before my eyes is such a cool feeling. Knowing that the way I communicate and give direction and push them is what is helping to change them is a huge payoff, and worth way more than any paycheck. I also know for a fact that training with my own trainer makes me a better trainer. Paying $300 to get certified in some bullsh!t fitness trend like TRX or kettle bells might make someone look credible, but I choose to remain true to what has worked for me, and it doesn't involve the flashy exercises that get attention from onlookers. Instead, I teach people the exercises that will get them results.
So, where exactly do I stand one year later? Well, I absolutely love my job and my clients. But I've learned that personal training is a career that is not comfortable and it never will be, and I'm still trying to get comfortable with that idea. There is always room to improve and work harder, which isn't a bad thing, but I also feel like I could do everything and everything still would not be good enough.
I often contemplate where I'll be one year from now. Still in Chicago? Working as a more successful and developed trainer? Taking my career as a fitness professional to a different or higher level? The future is uncertain, as it always is. Surprise is the beauty of life, and life surprises me constantly. I no longer fear the unknown. In fact, when I was stuck at my desk job, I literally felt stuck there. For so many years.
So, perhaps the biggest takeaway from making a total career overhaul one year ago is that I'm no longer as terrified of change as I once was. Yes, change is still scary to me, but I've learned that even though adapting is difficult, it is not impossible. I'm no longer afraid that making a change will not be a good decision, because having the courage to move forward and try something new will always be a good decision.
Shortly after jumping feet first into my new career, I declared in a Facebook status that the grass was greener on the side of my new career. But soon after I began to question whether or not it was, in fact, greener, or if the grass was simply a different color.
Working as a personal trainer is so much more difficult that I ever imagined, but it is also more rewarding than I ever imagined. For instance, whereas I was accustomed to getting paid to blog all day long and take two-hour lunch breaks at a corporate job I never took seriously, I now work my butt off and get paid very little, if at all. Sometimes, though, those hours of providing complimentary workouts and consultations are worth their weight in gold. It is an incredible feeling to open one's eyes to something new and something that is going to benefit that person greatly. That part is rewarding, yes. The part about struggling to pay my bills and not being able to see my friends because I can't afford leisurely activities is a little more difficult for me.
I have so much fun at work, though, and never ever have I ever once had a case of the "Mondays." The environment is positive, I get to make my own schedule (although I tend to work the opposite hours of a standard 9 to 5 shift). But the non-traditional schedule and the breaks in the middle of the day allow me to work out when the gym is empty, which is a feeling akin to having an entire playground to yourself. I also have the freedom to leave and go work out with my own coach if I so choose. I don't have to sit behind a desk all day staring at boring ass spreadsheets, which is certainly a plus. I have the freedom to dictate how I go about my day because no one is micromanaging my every move. On the flip side, my schedule differs daily and can change any minute, so it's hard for me to nail down some structure, which is a hurdle I still haven't overcome in a year's time.
I also work in a proverbial fish bowl, where I can be seen and observed at all times, which is a little uncomfortable for this introvert. In fact, I'll see club members on the street or in a coffee shop who will strike up a conversation with me about my job or the gym, and many times I could swear I've never seen the person before in my life. I'm still not used to that and not I'm not sure I will ever be comfortable with it. Whereas I used to grumble about the fact that I never saw anyone outside of the 8 people in my office and only talked to 3 of them, I suddenly work in an environment where over a thousand people pass through each day. Having to be "on" all day long is incredibly exhausting. At the end of the day, the last thing I want is to hear my own voice or any sort of noise for that matter. But I have learned to deal with the exhaustion, and I maintain that my clients are worth me at my best. If I don't bring the energy then I fail them, and that's unacceptable to me.
Additionally, even though I thought I escaped the corporate world, my job and the company I work for is far more corporate than I ever predicted. We have monthly goals and weekly meetings, and I find myself checking my work email ALL THE TIME. Sometimes all that stuff makes me feel like a sellout, but most of the time I don't mind it. I deal with that stuff because my personal mission, which is most important and what I'm most disciplined about, is making sure that I'm there for my clients by doing whatever I need to do to go above and beyond to help them reach their goals.
In a year's time, I've also had time to discover and develop the type of trainer I am. I love training people (especially runners) with little to zero weight training experience. Starting from 0 and watching people become stronger and physically change before my eyes is such a cool feeling. Knowing that the way I communicate and give direction and push them is what is helping to change them is a huge payoff, and worth way more than any paycheck. I also know for a fact that training with my own trainer makes me a better trainer. Paying $300 to get certified in some bullsh!t fitness trend like TRX or kettle bells might make someone look credible, but I choose to remain true to what has worked for me, and it doesn't involve the flashy exercises that get attention from onlookers. Instead, I teach people the exercises that will get them results.
So, where exactly do I stand one year later? Well, I absolutely love my job and my clients. But I've learned that personal training is a career that is not comfortable and it never will be, and I'm still trying to get comfortable with that idea. There is always room to improve and work harder, which isn't a bad thing, but I also feel like I could do everything and everything still would not be good enough.
I often contemplate where I'll be one year from now. Still in Chicago? Working as a more successful and developed trainer? Taking my career as a fitness professional to a different or higher level? The future is uncertain, as it always is. Surprise is the beauty of life, and life surprises me constantly. I no longer fear the unknown. In fact, when I was stuck at my desk job, I literally felt stuck there. For so many years.
So, perhaps the biggest takeaway from making a total career overhaul one year ago is that I'm no longer as terrified of change as I once was. Yes, change is still scary to me, but I've learned that even though adapting is difficult, it is not impossible. I'm no longer afraid that making a change will not be a good decision, because having the courage to move forward and try something new will always be a good decision.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Daydreaming
"If you've never stared off into the distance, then your life is a shame" - lyric from Mrs. Potter's Lullaby by Counting Crows
I stare off into the distance a lot. It makes me feel closer to God. Not that I think God is waaaaay out there somewhere, but because I think God is right next to me - or even right within my heart.
I mean, in this vast world, it is possible for something to be right within me that is bigger than all of it. That is a miracle.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy New Year!
It was actually really hard to say goodbye to 2012. How does one leave behind a year that was so wonderfully life-changing and expect the following years to be just as amazing? Well, I can expect 2013 to be an equally awesome year because I will make it an awesome year.
You see, among the many lessons I've learned in 2012 (and their were many), I think the biggest one is that, contrary to popular belief, good things do not come to those who wait. Good things come to those who make shit happen.
In order to change my life, I had to physically and mentally take the steps necessary to do so, which meant getting uncomfortable. A lot. But all the challenge and struggle was completely worth it. Because I can truly say that I'm happy.
I also re-learned many lessons in 2012. For instance, I re-learned how to have faith and trust in God just as I did when I first moved to Chicago. I re-learned how to be positive while facing even the most daunting of obstacles. I re-learned how to be confident and trust myself.
I didn't complete my 2012 bucket list, which was laid out in detail in this post, but who the f#$% cares, because I accomplished the mother of all goals by pursuing a new career, which is something I've been dreaming of for years. In fact, as I learned in 2010 when I started this blog, sometimes setting small goals can lead one to accomplish great things.
I'm looking forward to a successful 2013. Cheers to a new year! We are all granted a blank canvas. Let's all paint a masterpiece, shall we?
I'm looking forward to a successful 2013. Cheers to a new year! We are all granted a blank canvas. Let's all paint a masterpiece, shall we?
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Cram Session
It has been a long time since I updated this blog. Too long. My new career has taken over my life during the past few months, but I finally feel like life is settling down enough for me to take the time to sort out my thoughts - as they do still find at least a little time to swirl around in this noggin of mine. So let's play catch up, shall we?
So much has happened since I last wrote. I suffered a running injury only a few days after I posted my last entry that has prevented me from training as intensely as I wrote about in my last post. It has been a learning experience, it has made me more compassionate toward my clients dealing with injuries, but most of all it has been a pain in the ass. I had to totally skip out on race season, including the Hot Chocolate 15k, which was my main goal for the 8 plus months of training leading up to it. But I vow to come back faster and stronger than ever before. I'm now also far more in tune and aware of my body and its' limitations, which can only serve as an advantage in the future.
.
Additionally, my personal training career has also taken off quicker and more successfully than I ever could have imagined. It's exhausting, but I love it. I'm challenged every single day. I'm rewarded every single day. It's exactly what I was meant to do!
I have also moved within the last two months. And I moved in with roommates! Fiercely independent and introverted, I'm the last person who ever thought I'd live with roommates again, but I'm really enjoying it. Living alone for so long was wearing on me and making me feel so lonely and empty. And now I'm living with two other people who are not only incredible friends, but who also share my passion for health and fitness. The energy in our house is positively wonderful, and it's comforting to feel like part of a "family," regardless of how unconventional. One of my roommates is Fabian, the trainer that helped guide me to change my life and that I've mentioned in so many other posts. I never dreamed that when I met him a year ago, that we'd end up sharing the same address only one year later! Life is so weird. My other roommate, Jane, became an instant friend when I met her. She is also a client of Fabian's, and she has also quit her job to become a trainer.
My life is truly unconventional. At 34 years of age, maybe I'm doing things a little backwards, or maybe I'm a late bloomer, but I wouldn't change a thing. I'm happy. It took a whole lot of shaking things up and getting uncomfortable to get where I am, but I'm eternally grateful for finding the courage and strength to change my life.
So much has happened since I last wrote. I suffered a running injury only a few days after I posted my last entry that has prevented me from training as intensely as I wrote about in my last post. It has been a learning experience, it has made me more compassionate toward my clients dealing with injuries, but most of all it has been a pain in the ass. I had to totally skip out on race season, including the Hot Chocolate 15k, which was my main goal for the 8 plus months of training leading up to it. But I vow to come back faster and stronger than ever before. I'm now also far more in tune and aware of my body and its' limitations, which can only serve as an advantage in the future.
.
Additionally, my personal training career has also taken off quicker and more successfully than I ever could have imagined. It's exhausting, but I love it. I'm challenged every single day. I'm rewarded every single day. It's exactly what I was meant to do!
I have also moved within the last two months. And I moved in with roommates! Fiercely independent and introverted, I'm the last person who ever thought I'd live with roommates again, but I'm really enjoying it. Living alone for so long was wearing on me and making me feel so lonely and empty. And now I'm living with two other people who are not only incredible friends, but who also share my passion for health and fitness. The energy in our house is positively wonderful, and it's comforting to feel like part of a "family," regardless of how unconventional. One of my roommates is Fabian, the trainer that helped guide me to change my life and that I've mentioned in so many other posts. I never dreamed that when I met him a year ago, that we'd end up sharing the same address only one year later! Life is so weird. My other roommate, Jane, became an instant friend when I met her. She is also a client of Fabian's, and she has also quit her job to become a trainer.
My life is truly unconventional. At 34 years of age, maybe I'm doing things a little backwards, or maybe I'm a late bloomer, but I wouldn't change a thing. I'm happy. It took a whole lot of shaking things up and getting uncomfortable to get where I am, but I'm eternally grateful for finding the courage and strength to change my life.
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