Grabbing the Bull by the Balls

I can't help but wonder how much further along I'd be in life had I adopted the philosophy to "grab the bull by the balls" sooner. My girlfriends and I were discussing this idea in a somewhat literal sense a couple weekends ago (hee hee), but I think it applies to getting what I want out of life too!

Anyway, I'm desperate to make a change, and I'm tired of using the excuse that "it's not the right time." But if not now, then when? I ain't gettin' any younger. But I am still young, and there hasn't been better time to overhaul my life than right now.

For years I've been standing on the sidelines watching others get what I want. Well, it's time to get what I want too, no matter what I have to do to get it, dammit.

I'm tired of hating my soul-sucking job. I'm even more tired of complaining about it. I'm tired of not having the time and money to travel. I'm tired of being disappointed by love. Basically, I'm tired of not living the life I had imagined.

Instead of being well-traveled, having a fulfilling job, a great boyfriend, and thoroughly living the exciting big-city life I had envisioned growing up, I feel as though my life has slowly plateaued since I risked moving from a small town to a big city a decade ago. A  decade ago. It's time to take a giant leap forward again, don't you think? I'm well overdue.

So what's holding me back? Moving to Chicago from Cuyahoga Falls was terrifying because I had no job, no place to live, barely any money, and I barely knew anyone. But when I reflect upon that time in my life, I don't think about the perpetual nausea I felt from being constantly worried that I wouldn't "make it." Instead, I remember how excited I was that I was experiencing great change and working toward making my dream come true. I may have been terribly naive, but I was also extremely open, ready, and willing to embrace any challenge I faced. Refusing the option to "give up" was the secret to my success. I desperately need to channel the risk-taker in myself again. I know she's in there. Somewhere.

I did attempt a risk by trying the whole career overhaul thing in the recent past, but I stupidly let that one failure knock me down without ever making an attempt to get back up, brush myself off, and move on to the next option. And I know I saved money for plans to travel to Italy last year, but was slapped with a $5k dentist bill instead. And the love thing? Well, unfortunately, that's not totally in my control, but I do tend to unnecessarily shut down following each disappointment.

However, I know that I need to change my attitude in order to change my life. For instance, nobody is telling me that I have to sit behind a desk crunching numbers all day, so why the f#$% am I doing it? Also, it's not like Italy is going anywhere, so why not take comfort in that fact? And instead of declaring Spinsterhood, why not choose instead to keep my heart open with the hope that I'll eventually find myself in a flurry of reciprocated feelings with someone?

Change is very scary, but I'm far more terrified of one day regretting the risks I didn't take. I've let failure and disappointment control my life for way too long.

Don't get me wrong, though, I have made a ton of progress in the last decade, and I'm still so in love with Chicago and the people I've met since moving here. I've discovered and fostered many passions while living here too, making me a better and more well-rounded person. I may loathe my job and the company I work for, but I have been promoted several times in the eight years I've been with them. In fact, doubling my salary since I started my job has allowed me to pay off credit cards and become very fiscally responsible. And although I haven't been to Europe yet, I am thankful for the amazing travel experiences I have had in the past decade. I'm also thankful for the lessons I've learned from each failed relationship, despite having to learn from the same mistakes several times.

I've learned so much and have grown tremendously since being that naive newcomer with big city dreams ten years ago, but it's time to take all that work I put into myself and convert it into action for reaching some new, beyond-my-wildest-dreams goals. I've built a very sturdy foundation, and it's time to build something wonderful upon it. I have the energy & motivation, but I just need a plan. Actually, by finally allowing myself to listen to my heart, I've happily discovered that I already have one.

And while I'm very lucky that I am strong enough to be able to find the good in every situation, I am more than ready to find the GREAT in me.