Decidedly Undecided

I hate making decisions. I'm a Libra, so it makes perfect sense that I crave balance and have trouble choosing one thing over another, as I'm constantly weighing the pros and cons of all my choices. Having to make decisions drives me crazy, and I'm never fully convinced I made the right choice anyway, which can be totally depressing.

I realized recently that being a kid means not having to make decisions, yet it still means being able to fully enjoy an ever-changing and evolving life. For instance, as a kid you go from 7th grade to 8th grade, you transition from middle school to high school, you always get a break during summer, you don't have to decide what's for dinner, etc.

But being an adult means constantly seeking the motivation to evolve. Even when you know your current situation is stagnant or unsatisfying and that it's simply time to move on, the mere thought of the process required for change is very daunting when you have no idea what you should do next.

How do we figure out what to do with no instructions laid out before us? How do we know that whatever we choose won't be a total bonehead move loaded with repercussions that will take too long to reverse? We don't know. We'll never know. Because there is no set transition from 30th grade to 31st grade with a customary summer break in between or whatever.

When I was miserable working in Corporate America, every idea I had to change was usually shot down when I began to research my options. For example, more schooling would be too costly, doing such and such would pay too little, etc.

But several years ago I decided to jump ship anyway to become a personal trainer, fully knowing that I would be making less money in my new career. I've managed to survive, but barely.

This time, however, my desire to change warrants more opportunities for me because I am a fitness professional, but I am overwhelmed at the thought of where to begin to make a change. I'd love to be an independent trainer, but I'm worried that my ever-fluctuating self-confidence would get in my way of sustaining a successful business. That, and relying on others for my income is an already scary reality I deal with at my current job in a big box gym where clients are abundant, but not always consistent.

So how do I believe in myself more? How do I develop the perpetual self-confidence it takes to be my own boss? I've always pictured business owners as confident, aggressive, perpetually self-motivated people who don't know the meaning of self-doubt, and I feel as if I am the direct opposite of all those things.

I feel like I have no business running my own business and maybe I should just learn to get comfortable with being told what to do for the rest of my working years. Maybe I need to accept that there will always be someone above me making money off of my efforts while I earn a paltry sum for my hard work.

Cripes. That sounds so fucking miserable.

...Aaaaand I think I found my motivation.