What was it about the big city that drew me in and pulled me away from the family I adore?
I guess the architecture appealed to me. Tall buildings loaded with history have always fascinated me, and I simply wasn't getting my fill of dramatic architecture in Ohio.
The ability to stroll aimlessly and live without a car appealed to me too. The diverse population, the unique neighborhoods, and the running path along the lake were also attractive attributes.
In any case, I knew that in 2002 at 23 years old that I was not interested in getting married or having kids and "settling down." And people my age in Ohio at the time were beginning to head in that direction. But I was far too restless to settle. (I still am, truth be told.) But I knew that in Chicago I'd live among like-minded individuals who could relate to my desire for fun and adventure and success.
But something else drove me here, too. Something more powerful than anything else, yet has always been difficult for me to admit. The idea of falling in love drove me here too. Sooooo cliche and way too Sex and The City, right?! The idea of meeting a smart, fun, and funny companion all but consumed when I arrived in the big city. While I've been lucky enough to have a few jabs at love during the 13 years I've called Chicago home, I've also experienced all-consuming heartbreak as a consequence.
As much as the idea of love consumed me when I first moved here, I have never been comfortable with the idea of relinquishing my independence. I want to be given all of the love and I want to give all of my love, but I also want all of the freedom and space. That doesn't even make sense yet it sounds completely perfect to me. I don't want to get married, I don't want children, but I want to be completely loyal to someone and want them to be completely loyal to me.
I've been accused of not knowing what I want, and that has been a fair accusation since I never feel like I can explain myself in a way that anyone could understand. But I do know exactly what I want, and I have always known, even if I was too afraid to admit it to myself for most of my life. And since what I want doesn't fit into most molds or ideals of how a relationship should work, I've had a tremendously terrible time with the opposite sex. I get that my ideals are not everyone's cup of tea. But most people's ideals are not my cup of tea, either. Therein lies my life-long dilemma.
It took me many years and a lot of heartbreak to finally admit what I want and to accept that what I want isn't easy to find. In fact, what I want may be unique to me and may not even exist at all.
Additionally, after 13 years, I realize now that Chicago wasn't necessarily where I needed to be to fall in love. I know now that I could have fallen in love anywhere, even in good ol' Ohio. But it may be impossible to find someone who wants the same things as me no matter where I am in the world. This sort of breaks my heart, as I very much love to love.
At the same time that I consider a grim reality, I also choose to hold out hope. With so many different lifestyles being lived freely (if not without judgement) in this day and age, maybe it's not so impossible to find someone who loves to love and loves to be independent as much as I do.
I've been accused of not knowing what I want, and that has been a fair accusation since I never feel like I can explain myself in a way that anyone could understand. But I do know exactly what I want, and I have always known, even if I was too afraid to admit it to myself for most of my life. And since what I want doesn't fit into most molds or ideals of how a relationship should work, I've had a tremendously terrible time with the opposite sex. I get that my ideals are not everyone's cup of tea. But most people's ideals are not my cup of tea, either. Therein lies my life-long dilemma.
It took me many years and a lot of heartbreak to finally admit what I want and to accept that what I want isn't easy to find. In fact, what I want may be unique to me and may not even exist at all.
Additionally, after 13 years, I realize now that Chicago wasn't necessarily where I needed to be to fall in love. I know now that I could have fallen in love anywhere, even in good ol' Ohio. But it may be impossible to find someone who wants the same things as me no matter where I am in the world. This sort of breaks my heart, as I very much love to love.
At the same time that I consider a grim reality, I also choose to hold out hope. With so many different lifestyles being lived freely (if not without judgement) in this day and age, maybe it's not so impossible to find someone who loves to love and loves to be independent as much as I do.
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