2014 - A "Rebuilding" Year

Regarding sports, whether professional or college, I often hear that teams find themselves going through a "rebuilding" season or two after several stellar seasons, and after the star players either retire or graduate. The first year is always expected to be tough when there are so many new players involved. Teams find themselves losing games despite relentless hard work during the "rebuilding" time period, but only until they can gain experience and learn to find a formula that works, ultimately leading the team to more wins than losses.

After going through some really stellar years in my life, and then deciding to make a total life change, I found myself starting all over again, not unlike a former championship sports team. I believe that the hardest part is now over though, and there has been a solid foundation built, which is providing the groundwork for many potential future championship years.

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 Sometimes I forget that writing brings me peace. Writing is usually the solution to any problem I'm dealing with, and yet I've all but neglected my favorite outlet during the entire year of 2013.

Writing clears the junk in my head, and therefore creates room for happiness. But for the past year, I couldn't even make the effort to sit down and write. I felt very diluted and sort of dumbed-down and couldn't seem to get my head straight and organized enough to take the time to do what I need to do in order to foster my love of writing in 2013.

But my severe writer's block didn't just happen for no reason. My life completely changed in 2013, and I had a desperately difficult time adjusting to my altered existence, including finding the time and energy to sit down and churn out a blog post.

Now let's backtrack a little. You see, the story of my writing rise and eventual demise all started in 2011 when I decided there were two things missing from my life that I desperately wanted: a boyfriend and a career that I loved.

Looking back though, my life was really freakin' great in 2011. I had a steady job and made decent money to pretty much do as I pleased. I had no debt save for a manageable chunk of the pesky student loan variety. I had plenty of time and energy to volunteer, work out, and visit with friends & family. Had I not hated my job so much back then, or weren't so hung up on bemoaning my single status, I'd go so far as to say that my life was pretty damn near perfect. But, as human nature would have it, near perfect wasn't good enough, and I wanted more. I wanted two more things, specifically. BIG things. And although I knew they were BIG, I had no idea back then that actually acquiring a boyfriend and a new career would impact and change my life in ways I'd never have imagined, yet not entirely for the better...

Ok so fast forward to the beginning of 2013, approximately two years after I had stopped dreaming and started pursuing, and I finally had everything I've ever wanted. I should have been overjoyed, right? However, I found myself overwhelmed by the work and responsibility of having both a boyfriend and a demanding career, and was bummed out by the sacrifices it takes to be successful with each. I may have had what I wanted, but it didn't come without sacrificing things I didn't really want to sacrifice, which caused a fucking confusing mess in my head.  

Regarding my new career as a personal trainer, for instance, I had to re-learn how to be as poor as a newly minted and naive college grad as I faced the daunting task of building my business from scratch. And even though I consider myself successful with my career now, I learned early on that personal training is a career in which one can never truly be comfortable, and one can always face a "bad month" following a "good month." Not knowing how much money I'm going to bring in each month is terrifying, and I had some pretty shabby months that caused a lot of stress during 2013.

Additionally, sacrificing a lifestyle I was well-accustomed to prior to my career change was something I was not prepared for when I resigned from Cubeville, USA. I had to give up shopping for pleasure, vacation days, frequently dining out, having enough energy to go out on the weekends, and pretty much doing anything other than work on a week night. Those are the things I loved about my old life, but immediately had to relinquish when I became a personal trainer.

Navigating through the first year of my new career was a difficult road, but make no mistake, it was a road that was dotted with many notable rewards along the way. While I wouldn't change my choice to switch careers, I just wish I hadn't had to sacrifice what made me happy before I switched. 

With regards to entering into a serious relationship and living with a boyfriend for the first time in my life, I learned quickly after becoming a couple that an independent mind doesn't exactly help a relationship to thrive. There was a lot of tension caused by my lack of sharing thoughts and not communicating issues. Being in a relationship with someone and living with them is a million times more difficult than I ever thought it'd be, as I'm not the biggest fan of compromise... or sharing.

My mind was also usually preoccupied with my main man and how his every move affected my life. I realize this is ridiculous and know that kind of thought process deeply hindered my growth and development as a grown ass woman last year, but I didn't know how to make it stop. I was being taught lesson after lesson, but would never really learn anything because I continued to repeat the same harmful patterns of jealousy, despondence, and defensiveness. I created situations in my head regarding the whereabouts or actions of my significant other that were completely false, then I'd proceed to shut down and offer up a heaping portion of passive-aggressive behavior when questioned about my withdrawal or negative attitude.

I recognize that I have the tendency to be really immature in relationships due to my lack of experience with them. There. I admit it. In the past year, I've learned that I'm not always right. In fact, I'm mostly wrong. My feelings are real, but they aren't necessarily justified.

In fact, I spent a lot of time in 2013 feeling as though everyone except me already knows how to navigate through the A,B,C's of relationships as easily as reciting the alphabet. But here I am at 35 years old still learning that L comes before M, which comes before N, which comes before O, etc.

I often wondered (and still do, truth be told) if I'm simply not cut out to be in a relationship, after all. Or at the very least that I'm simply not cut out for marriage. Instead of feeling whole or complete when I'm with someone, I usually feel like an imitation version of myself. The generic equivalent. During the rare periods of time when I am in a relationship, I feel as though I am not able to make simple decisions on my own, and even feel paralyzed by them. I tend to lose the ability to think for myself, and that terrifies me.

I'm incredibly independent by nature, so perhaps nature is constantly reminding me that I need to remain that way so as not to cause a glitch in the Matrix? I'm having a hard time typing this, because who the hell feels like they are better off being alone rather than with the person they do, indeed, love? Like, really, truly, love! That's crazy, right?!

I may have learned a lot of unfavorable qualities about myself during my relationship throughout the past year, but I do feel as if I've grown since learning them, and I'm continuing to learn on a daily basis. I have the good fortune of being with someone who is nothing but honest. And that honesty, although extremely startling and painful at times, is exactly what I need in order to consistently improve myself.

But don't get me wrong, living with a significant other can also be THE FUNNEST!! Having someone around who always makes me laugh and always knows how to reassure me that everything is going to be okay when I have trouble seeing light at the end of the tunnel is something for which I'm eternally thankful. I have a lot of love to give, and nothing makes me happier than coming home after a long day and snuggling up to the one I truly love with all my heart.

I constantly crave peace, order, tranquility and creativity. But for most of 2013, I felt as if I didn't have those things in my life anymore. I recall fondly that I once did have those things. I used to feel smart even around people I considered smarter than me. But for the past year I've been so distracted and/or consumed with dealing with the changes in my life that I felt as though I had nothing to contribute and that my thoughts and opinions were completely nonsensical anyway. I spent a lot of time feeling as though I'm getting older and dumber, not older and wiser. 

But now it's 2014. A blank slate. And I plan to get my life back in order so that I'm happy, organized, motivated and successful in all areas of my life. So how do I plan to do this? Well, for starters, I've already set 14 goals for myself for 2014. As experience has taught me, setting goals - however big or small - really helps me stay organized and usually leads me to bigger and better things. So even if I haven't nailed down my next big life project, I find that setting smaller goals and accomplishing them usually leads me in the right direction. 

Above all, my main goal is to get back to being me. The "me" before the career change, and before the relationship. I miss the Stephanie who blogged regularly, took solo walks that lasted for hours, was organized in every aspect of  her life, spent lots of time with friends, cooked often, read often, watched independent and foreign films, frequently dined at new restaurants, and drank bubbly on the weekends. I miss that Stephanie. She was really freakin' happy. And while I never want to go back to work in an office just to make more money, I want to find a way to be happy with my career and not have to struggle so much financially.

Some sacrifices are required when making life changes, I realize this. But when all the good things before the big change are cancelled out to make room for the new stuff, it's time to question priorities and decide what is truly important in life. Therefore, it's time to "rebuild" my life and work towards reincorporating and holding on to all the good stuff that has and always will make my life so sweet.

Life of a Career Changer - One Year Later

One year has passed since I became a Certified Personal Trainer and was hired to work for Fitness Formula Clubs as such.

Shortly after jumping feet first into my new career, I declared in a Facebook status that the grass was greener on the side of my new career. But soon after I began to question whether or not it was, in fact, greener, or if the grass was simply a different color.

Working as a personal trainer is so much more difficult that I ever imagined, but it is also more rewarding than I ever imagined. For instance, whereas I was accustomed to getting paid to blog all day long and take two-hour lunch breaks at a corporate job I never took seriously, I now work my butt off and get paid very little, if at all. Sometimes, though, those hours of providing complimentary workouts and consultations are worth their weight in gold. It is an incredible feeling to open one's eyes to something new and something that is going to benefit that person greatly. That part is rewarding, yes. The part about struggling to pay my bills and not being able to see my friends because I can't afford leisurely activities is a little more difficult for me.

I have so much fun at work, though, and never ever have I ever once had a case of the "Mondays." The environment is positive, I get to make my own schedule (although I tend to work the opposite hours of a standard 9 to 5 shift). But the non-traditional schedule and the breaks in the middle of the day allow me to work out when the gym is empty, which is a feeling akin to having an entire playground to yourself. I also have the freedom to leave and go work out with my own coach if I so choose. I don't have to sit behind a desk all day staring at boring ass spreadsheets, which is certainly a plus. I have the freedom to dictate how I go about my day because no one is micromanaging my every move. On the flip side, my schedule differs daily and can change any minute, so it's hard for me to nail down some structure, which is a hurdle I still haven't overcome in a year's time.

I also work in a proverbial fish bowl, where I can be seen and observed at all times, which is a little uncomfortable for this introvert. In fact, I'll see club members on the street or in a coffee shop who will strike up a conversation with me about my job or the gym, and many times I could swear I've never seen the person before in my life. I'm still not used to that and not I'm not sure I will ever be comfortable with it. Whereas I used to grumble about the fact that I never saw anyone outside of the 8 people in my office and only talked to 3 of them, I suddenly work in an environment where over a thousand people pass through each day. Having to be "on" all day long is incredibly exhausting. At the end of the day, the last thing I want is to hear my own voice or any sort of noise for that matter. But I have learned to deal with the exhaustion, and I maintain that my clients are worth me at my best. If I don't bring the energy then I fail them, and that's unacceptable to me.

Additionally, even though I thought I escaped the corporate world, my job and the company I work for is far more corporate than I ever predicted. We have monthly goals and weekly meetings, and I find myself checking my work email ALL THE TIME. Sometimes all that stuff makes me feel like a sellout, but most of the time I don't mind it. I deal with that stuff because my personal mission, which is most important and what I'm most disciplined about, is making sure that I'm there for my clients by doing whatever I need to do to go above and beyond to help them reach their goals.

In a year's time, I've also had time to discover and develop the type of trainer I am. I love training people (especially runners) with little to zero weight training experience. Starting from 0 and watching people become stronger and physically change before my eyes is such a cool feeling. Knowing that the way I communicate and give direction and push them is what is helping to change them is a huge payoff, and worth way more than any paycheck. I also know for a fact that training with my own trainer makes me a better trainer. Paying $300 to get certified in some bullsh!t fitness trend like TRX or kettle bells might make someone look credible, but I choose to remain true to what has worked for me, and it doesn't involve the flashy exercises that get attention from onlookers. Instead, I teach people the exercises that will get them results.

So, where exactly do I stand one year later? Well, I absolutely love my job and my clients. But I've learned that personal training is a career that is not comfortable and it never will be, and I'm still trying to get comfortable with that idea. There is always room to improve and work harder, which isn't a bad thing, but I also feel like I could do everything and everything still would not be good enough.

I often contemplate where I'll be one year from now. Still in Chicago? Working as a more successful and developed trainer? Taking my career as a fitness professional to a different or higher level? The future is uncertain, as it always is. Surprise is the beauty of life, and life surprises me constantly. I no longer fear the unknown. In fact, when I was stuck at my desk job, I literally felt stuck there. For so many years.

So, perhaps the biggest takeaway from making a total career overhaul one year ago is that I'm no longer as terrified of change as I once was. Yes, change is still scary to me, but I've learned that even though adapting is difficult, it is not impossible. I'm no longer afraid that making a change will not be a good decision, because having the courage to move forward and try something new will always be a good decision.

Daydreaming

"If you've never stared off into the distance, then your life is a shame" - lyric from Mrs. Potter's Lullaby by Counting Crows

I stare off into the distance a lot. It makes me feel closer to God. Not that I think God is waaaaay out there somewhere, but because I think God is right next to me - or even right within my heart.

I mean, in this vast world, it is possible for something to be right within me that is bigger than all of it. That is a miracle.

Happy New Year!

It was actually really hard to say goodbye to 2012. How does one leave behind a year that was so wonderfully life-changing and expect the following years to be just as amazing? Well, I can expect 2013 to be an equally awesome year because I will make it an awesome year.

You see, among the many lessons I've learned in 2012 (and their were many), I think the biggest one is that, contrary to popular belief, good things do not come to those who wait. Good things come to those who make shit happen. 

In order to change my life, I had to physically and mentally take the steps necessary to do so, which meant getting uncomfortable. A lot. But all the challenge and struggle was completely worth it. Because I can truly say that I'm happy.

I also re-learned many lessons in 2012. For instance, I re-learned how to have faith and trust in God just as I did when I first moved to Chicago. I re-learned how to be positive while facing even the most daunting of obstacles. I re-learned how to be confident and trust myself. 

I didn't complete my 2012 bucket list, which was laid out in detail in this post, but who the f#$% cares, because I accomplished the mother of all goals by pursuing a new career, which is something I've been dreaming of for years. In fact, as I learned in 2010 when I started this blog, sometimes setting small goals can lead one to accomplish great things.

I'm looking forward to a successful 2013. Cheers to a new year! We are all granted a blank canvas. Let's all paint a masterpiece, shall we?

Cram Session

It has been a long time since I updated this blog. Too long. My new career has taken over my life during the past few months, but I finally feel like life is settling down enough for me to take the time to sort out my thoughts - as they do still find at least a little time to swirl around in this noggin of mine. So let's play catch up, shall we?

So much has happened since I last wrote. I suffered a running injury only a few days after I posted my last entry that has prevented me from training as intensely as I wrote about in my last post. It has been a learning experience, it has made me more compassionate toward my clients dealing with injuries, but most of all it has been a pain in the ass. I had to totally skip out on race season, including the Hot Chocolate 15k, which was my main goal for the 8 plus months of training leading up to it. But I vow to come back faster and stronger than ever before. I'm now also far more in tune and aware of my body and its' limitations, which can only serve as an advantage in the future.
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Additionally, my personal training career has also taken off quicker and more successfully than I ever could have imagined. It's exhausting, but I love it. I'm challenged every single day. I'm rewarded every single day. It's exactly what I was meant to do!

I have also moved within the last two months. And I moved in with roommates! Fiercely independent and introverted, I'm the last person who ever thought I'd live with roommates again, but I'm really enjoying it. Living alone for so long was wearing on me and making me feel so lonely and empty. And now I'm living with two other people who are not only incredible friends, but who also share my passion for health and fitness. The energy in our house is positively wonderful, and it's comforting to feel like part of a "family," regardless of how unconventional. One of my roommates is Fabian, the trainer that helped guide me to change my life and that I've mentioned in so many other posts. I never dreamed that when I met him a year ago, that we'd end up sharing the same address only one year later! Life is so weird. My other roommate, Jane, became an instant friend when I met her. She is also a client of Fabian's, and she has also quit her job to become a trainer.

My life is truly unconventional. At 34 years of age, maybe I'm doing things a little backwards, or maybe I'm a late bloomer, but I wouldn't change a thing. I'm happy. It took a whole lot of shaking things up and getting uncomfortable to get where I am, but I'm eternally grateful for finding the courage and strength to change my life.

Boarding the Crazy Train

Okay so I've thought of approximately one million clever post titles involving the word, "train." This time, however, I'm not writing about my experience as a personal trainer, but rather about my experience with my own intense training program. I've come a long way since this post about my initial sessions with my trainer, Fabian, and I'm excited (if not just a little terrified) to see where I'm heading.

During the months since my last post about my training, I've been making my way through various phases of a strength program in order to be developed into the best athlete I can be. Each phase is more difficult than the last, and each causes me to reevaluate my sanity. The latest and most intense phase will be kicking my running action into high gear so that I will ultimately be prepared for the Hot Chocolate 15k race here in Chicago in November. The program consists of a 90 minute torso strength workout, a 90 minute lower body strength workout, and a 60 minute arm strength workout. As if that doesn't sound crazy enough, I also have to incorporate various prescribed running workouts 6 days a week. And I'm hell bent on squeezing yoga in there too. It's a good thing I work in a gym, eh?

I'm not sure how I'm going to pull this off, but I'm determined to do so. I've been warned that this level of training is going to "fuck with my head," so I need to prepare for the mental abuse. In fact, Fabian has also prescribed reading materials to help me through the mental hurdles.

As I've gradually begun to take this type of training more seriously, I've had to give up things that I love, and begin incorporating things that I don't love so much. For example, I've (mostly) given up alcohol. Because alcohol takes precedence over other nutrients in the body while being digested, it's best if I avoid it while my muscles recover from these workouts. I've also given up coffee, which nearly brings me to tears as I type this. Even though I work out a ton, I've been having trouble sleeping for a long time. Apparently, caffeine gets in the way of the recovery of my nervous system after an intense workout. Although it was a hard habit to break, I'm not nearly as tired as I thought I'd be during the day, and I'm sleeping soooo much better. Also, I used to eat meat (only prepared at a restaurant) once or twice a week. Now, despite my grimaces due to being grossed out from squishy raw flesh, I've morphed into a serious carnivore and am preparing meat for every meal in order to obtain the various amino acids to aid in my muscle repair and development.

That's another thing - I have to eat soooo much! And just when I think I'm eating enough, I'm told to eat more. Eating like an Olympian is time consuming and expensive. I'm hungry in under two hour intervals, and it's as if my metabolism is an infant that will start throwing a fit if I'm not readily prepared with a bottle to tame it. You must be confused as to how this is a problem. But keeping up with my warp speed metabolic rate is really exhausting, y'all! And it's not like I'm eating pizza and ice cream any time I want. It's ALL healthy grub. (Nutella straight out of the jar is considered healthy, right?)

Fabian is also super hard on me, and while my first instinct is to get defensive (a hard habit to break, I'm finding), I have to remember that he's only trying to drill things into my head, and so I need to shut up and listen. And while it drives me absolutely fucking crazy when he gives me 900 million instructions only to follow up by saying yelling "Don't think about it!," I know he's just trying to get me out of my head, which is my biggest problem in all areas of my life. I'm slowly learning not to take his strict coaching personally, but it's difficult. But I know he believes in me. And I also know that his belief in me doesn't mean squat unless I believe in myself.

And speaking of squat, I have the nastiest bruises on my thighs from using my hip power to lift nearly 75% of my body weight! Ouch! I generated zero sympathy when I brought this to Fabian's attention, so I'm also learning to shut up and silently deal with the war wounds.

So by now you must think I'm nuts. I mean, I sort of do. I feel as if I'm training for the Olympics yet there is no pot of gold medals at the end of this rainbow. So why the fuck am I doing this? Why would I give up some of my favorite simple pleasures, stuff my face with food I don't entirely enjoy, and voluntarily allow myself to get screamed at just to become a better runner?

Well, for me it's not just about becoming a "better runner." It's about working to become a better version of myself every day. It's about consistently moving forward instead of being stuck in the same place. And vowing to be better today than I was yesterday requires an intense amount of discipline.

Fabian says that coaching me through this type of training is an experiment for him. But it's an experiment for me too, dammit. For most of my life I have let fear, doubt, and the self-manifested negative perceptions of myself control my life. Yes, I recently made a career change, which was incredibly brave, and for which I'm truly proud, but the only way I'll be successful with my new career is if I learn to believe in myself, face my fears, and rise to challenges every day. Additionally, the only way I'll ever finally find myself in a successful relationship is if I can be mentally strong enough to demand respect and fully believe that I deserve it.

What I'm hoping to get out of this training (in addition to a sick race time!) is the ability to push through barriers without thinking twice. I think this training can get me there. It may break me down, but I'll get stronger as I repair and rebuild - not unlike the physical characteristics of our muscles becoming stronger.

"If you're facing your fears, then you're pointed in the right direction" - heard on a Nike commercial during the Olympics

The TRAINsition

(Ha ha, get it? Trainsition?)

Anyway...

My blog! My poor, neglected blog! How I've missed you!

Turns out, life changes are all-consuming and leave time for little else. However, after officially putting in three full weeks at the gym, I was finally able to make time for myself, friends, and now my blog this weekend. Not that I don't have a million things left on my To Do list. But, today I gave my body permission to decompress, even though my brain still hasn't fully been able to do so since I started my new gig.

Speaking of which, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE BEING A PERSONAL TRAINER!! I'm so passionate about helping members and tailoring programs specific to their needs. Fortunately, the act of training has come very natural to me, and I can't get enough of it. Making people sweat and challenging them to perform tasks they previously thought they weren't capable of is extremely rewarding. And the eye rolls I get during a training session only serve as confirmation that I'm doing my job correctly. Currently, I have two "regular" clients, which is amazing so early in the game, but I'm hoping to gain more clients through the consultations and prospecting sessions I've been performing.

I went into my new gig willing to expect the unexpected, and I've definitely had to deal with situations I never dreamed possible from working at a gym. For example, I check my work email obsessively. I never would have done this at my previous job. In fact, my brain seemed to block out any thoughts of my previous job when I wasn't there, but now I can't shut my brain off when I'm not at the gym and find myself dreaming of exercise program design every night. The communicating, scheduling, and organization is also very overwhelming to me and I find myself performing "administrative duties" even when I'm at home - another job aspect that I'd refuse to do for my previous employer. But, I'm extremely passionate about my new career, so I don't mind all the extra work in addition to training people. In fact, a teacher I had a consultation with last week told me she could see how passionate I am about my job.

Additionally, the people I've met so far are amazing! Whereas I felt so isolated in my last job, constantly hiding in my cube and flying under the radar if I knew what was good for me, now I'm encouraged to make friends with members, clients, and coworkers. And after nine years of isolation, I've re-learned that people are fascinating! I've met a pianist, a federal investigator, a children's therapist, a singer/actress, just to name a few. And my coworkers are incredible! I laugh so much on a daily basis, but besides the goofing off, they have all been so supportive and helpful.

It's not all rainbows and puppies, though. I'm still dealing with uncertainty regarding my career change, especially regarding my income, but so far, I regret nothing and am enjoying every second. Not to say that things have been easy! The first week was especially tough as I was desperately trying to become acclimated to a completely different lifestyle than I was used to. I was a ball of emotions - both good and bad - and found myself crying multiple times a day. Incidentally, the last week of the Olympics coincided with my first week at the gym, and every inspirational story about an athlete or even an inspirational commercial spun me into a flurry of uncontrollable tears. In fact, I think it was the Nike slogan, "If you're facing your fears, then you're heading in the right direction" that really made me lose my mind.

But, despite the uncertainty and dramatic lifestyle change, I wake up every day and choose to think positively, push through the challenges, and trust that everything will work out just fine. I choose to believe that I will be extremely successful. And because of this thought process, every single day gets better.