At the beginning of last year, I declared in this post that 2014 would be a rebuilding year. 365 days has officially come and gone, and I can say with confidence that I have successfully "rebuilt" myself into a person I'm proud to be and that I'm living a life that I'm proud of as well. Essentially, all it took was learning how to live as authentically as possible for me to be happy and feel successful with my life.
I find myself reflecting on the events of 2014 quite a bit. While no major milestones were reached, a tremendous amount of personal growth occurred, which only made me realize how much more I have to learn and how much more I want to do in this lifetime.
One big thing I learned in 2014 is how to really, truly, love someone by forgiving them of their flaws, and accepting that I can still be loved despite mine. I often wonder where I'd be in life had I never met my BFF. He has taught me so much, supported me so much, pushed me so much, and most of all, has loved me so much. Despite my stubborn and resistant nature, he has stood by my side through thick and thin and has taught me what it really means to love.
The relationship with my BFF strengthened immeasurably in 2014. Because of him (and in addition to some very powerful self help-ish books*), I finally realized how relationships are supposed to work. And I can no longer be the kind of person who participates in negative gossip or behavior, nor can I tolerate people who (inadvertently) make me feel judged, inferior, and are not supportive of my lifestyle and choices. Real, true friends express their honest opinions to your face, and are encouraging and supportive of you no matter what.
Another thing I learned in 2014 is that stuff is just stuff. In the big city, it's very easy to get caught up in the glamour and wish for all that sparkles and shines, because money and the "stuff" it affords is often flaunted and always easily visible. But while stuff is pretty to look at, stuff does not mean that the people who own it are necessarily happy. I guess this is pretty obvious, but I spent a lot of years comparing myself to others and dwelling on all the things I didn't have, so I need to repeat this lesson to myself more than I'm proud to admit.
But it brings me to my next point. I learned how to be at peace with myself despite whatever life situation I'm experiencing. 2014 taught me to really, truly, cherish the little things. The feeling after a workout and after a shower makes me so joyful. Folding laundry, cleaning, and preparing a meal all make me feel good because I'm taking care of my life and successfully managing the things I am able to control. Seeing a client progress before my eyes, cuddling with my bunny and BFF, and exploring the city with my BFF just to take pics made me so insanely happy and appreciative this year.
I learned that making memories with the people you love is far more important than making a lot of money. I make less than half the salary I was making at my job in Corporate America, but my job affords me the time and flexibility to be able to spend lots of time with the people who matter to me most. I was able to visit my family 5 times this year! I was also able to take my BFF and my fur baby along for 2 of those trips. To be able to have the people who mean the absolute most to me on this earth in one room together several times this year was definitely a major highlight.
Speaking of my fur baby, I learned that adopting and loving a fur baby makes me more present, more patient, more aware, and overwhelms me with love. I'm in love with a bunny and I don't care who knows it! She really is my baby and I am committed to giving her the best life possible. I was meant to meet her this year and my life has been increasingly blessed ever since I brought her home on that mild summer evening in early August.
Finally, I learned that the lessons one learns as an adult must be practiced. Constantly. Constantly practiced. The lessons learned as an adult are not as easy to recall as learning state capitals or times tables. Our minds are already super conditioned in our 30's, so it takes extra efforts to be able to change your mind about something, or be open to new ideas, or new ways of doing things.
For 2015 I made a list of 15 goals to work towards all year long, just as I had made 14 goals for 2014. I reached all but a few, but I learned that working towards goals (no matter how big, significant, or small) makes me feel more purposeful and well-rounded, and motivates me to want to do bigger and better things in life.
The lessons I want to put into practice for 2015 are to not to let money, or the lack thereof, control me and rule my life. For nearly my entire adult life I've let money govern my world. But there are so many times in life that you cannot control unexpected expenses, or bad months for personal training. I'm learning to have faith and to trust that I'll always have enough, because enough is all I need. But I have the tendency to easily fall off the tight rope of confidence and stress about money, and I want to stress less about money this year. I'm very responsible, and deep down I know I don't need to worry, so I guess I need to continue practicing trusting myself, trusting the universe, and knowing that money is only money, and my worth as a human being is not determined by how much money I have in the bank. I'll be okay no matter what, because I won't let myself not be okay.
Also for 2015, I want to learn how to and then practice relinquishing so much control over my life. I have a terrible habit of wanting every detail of my life to be controlled and managed, and I feel like this may be hurting me from progressing further in life. Basically, I need to get comfortable with taking chances by getting uncomfortable more often. I've taken some pretty big risks in my life, and the results been no easy adjustment, so I've become a little gun shy when it comes to change, even though the risks I've taken have been completely worthy of risk.
I don't think I've ever been more enlightened, felt more positive, or basked in more peace when starting a new year like I am this year. I'm excited to see what 2015 will bring, all the while enjoying each moment of each day as it happens. Stay present, my friends, and cheers to 2015!
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." - Henry David Thoreau
*The aforementioned "self help-ish" books that contributed to my increased inner peace and brighter outlook on life are as follows:
The Voice of Knowledge by don Miguel Ruiz: http://www.miguelruiz.com/store/books-card-decks/
The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz: http://www.miguelruiz.com/store/books-card-decks/
The Power of Now by Elkhart Tolle: http://www.eckharttolle.com/books/now/
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Dear Chicago
Dear Chicago,
I never told you the story of how I learned of your existence, but after twelve and a half years of our relationship together, it's probably time to share. You see, during my sophomore year in college in Canton, Ohio, my three roommates and I were trying to come up with a road trip destination. One of my roommates suggested visiting the city of Chicago. Not even knowing where you fell on the map of the United States, I responded with, "Chicago? Isn't it cold there?" The only other fact I knew about Chicago was that The Oprah Winfrey Show was taped there. We ended up road-tripping to the great state of Pennsylvania that year.
Then, during my senior year of college, my brother's girlfriend's brother moved to Chicago. So, my brother, his girlfriend, and I decided to head to Chicago to visit him during New Year's Eve of 2001. As I suspected, I learned just how cold you are upon my arrival. That being a time in my life when I refused to wear a coat during a night out on the town, I have no idea (except maybe that my brain froze) how I decided that I wanted to move to your chilly wilderness of a city. But, something attracted me. I couldn't pinpoint the attraction at the time, but I felt strongly in my heart that Chicago was where I needed to live.
I moved over 12 years ago and we still find ourselves in a steady relationship. Not married, not divorced, but a steady relationship that has endured plenty of ups and downs. Over the years you have become more than just a city in my eyes. You are a force of nature that has beaten me to within an inch of my life at times, yet at other times you've pushed me hard to want to be a better me.
Enough time has passed that the initial infatuation has worn off though, and I've been seeing the real you for a few years now. When your Spanx are removed and your make-up is washed off, Chicago, you are not all that pretty. I have to admit that when I'm staring down the real you, I often wonder if the appeal is even still there. Although I've been dealing with your flaws for some time now, I'm slowly learning to forgive them.
But you can be SUCH an asshole, sometimes, Chicago. For one, your weather totally blows. How is it that you are always, ALWAYS windy?! Even on seemingly beautiful spring days, you annoy the fuck out of me, you breezy bastard. And suuuureee, public transportation always SEEMS like the best option, but it's slow as fuck. How is it that it takes me one hour to get from my home to work when I take the train, but it takes a mere 20 minutes when I hail an expensive ass cab? Real efficient, jerk. And don't get me started on the smelly train cars. And checking the seat for foreign substances prior to sitting my tush down has become second nature. So gross.
BUT, there is always surprise around every corner, and maybe that's how and why I stay interested. You always keep me on my toes, Chicago. I've lived in three neighborhoods since I moved here 12 years ago, and I've explored countless others. Wandering aimlessly through your captivating corridors fills me with joy. It's one of the few times I don't think about looking at my phone. It's when I get inspired to write, to do more, to be more. Just looking at your various buildings and dreaming of the history they possess causes my mind to drift for hours on end imagining what it might have been like to walk the streets and inhabit those buildings in the 30's, 60's, etc.
You fill me with wonder and dreams, Chicago. You are never boring, and therefore my life is never boring. We've toughed out the hard times together and we've more than appropriately celebrated the good times. As much as I felt you were throwing rocks at me during certain times in my life, there were plenty of other times where you were my rock to lean on and support me. My feelings for you will always be mixed, but isn't variety the spice of life? Regardless, my time with you has been a positive experience, even when many situations didn't seem so positive when I was experiencing them. I know I definitely wouldn't be the person I am today if you weren't the backdrop for my life, Chicago.
The only reason I've ever felt stuck or trapped in a life situation is because you continuously show me that there is more out there. More for me to do, to see, to be. If I had continued living in a small town, I wouldn't know anything bigger than the existence I had always known since I was born. But even though living in a big city makes me feel small, it constantly reminds me that there is always plenty of room to grow.
I'm not sure how much time left we'll have together, Chicago. Life can take me elsewhere or I'll decide that you may not be the right fit for me anymore. But until then, cheers to our adventures together!
Love,
Stephanie
I never told you the story of how I learned of your existence, but after twelve and a half years of our relationship together, it's probably time to share. You see, during my sophomore year in college in Canton, Ohio, my three roommates and I were trying to come up with a road trip destination. One of my roommates suggested visiting the city of Chicago. Not even knowing where you fell on the map of the United States, I responded with, "Chicago? Isn't it cold there?" The only other fact I knew about Chicago was that The Oprah Winfrey Show was taped there. We ended up road-tripping to the great state of Pennsylvania that year.
Then, during my senior year of college, my brother's girlfriend's brother moved to Chicago. So, my brother, his girlfriend, and I decided to head to Chicago to visit him during New Year's Eve of 2001. As I suspected, I learned just how cold you are upon my arrival. That being a time in my life when I refused to wear a coat during a night out on the town, I have no idea (except maybe that my brain froze) how I decided that I wanted to move to your chilly wilderness of a city. But, something attracted me. I couldn't pinpoint the attraction at the time, but I felt strongly in my heart that Chicago was where I needed to live.
I moved over 12 years ago and we still find ourselves in a steady relationship. Not married, not divorced, but a steady relationship that has endured plenty of ups and downs. Over the years you have become more than just a city in my eyes. You are a force of nature that has beaten me to within an inch of my life at times, yet at other times you've pushed me hard to want to be a better me.
Enough time has passed that the initial infatuation has worn off though, and I've been seeing the real you for a few years now. When your Spanx are removed and your make-up is washed off, Chicago, you are not all that pretty. I have to admit that when I'm staring down the real you, I often wonder if the appeal is even still there. Although I've been dealing with your flaws for some time now, I'm slowly learning to forgive them.
But you can be SUCH an asshole, sometimes, Chicago. For one, your weather totally blows. How is it that you are always, ALWAYS windy?! Even on seemingly beautiful spring days, you annoy the fuck out of me, you breezy bastard. And suuuureee, public transportation always SEEMS like the best option, but it's slow as fuck. How is it that it takes me one hour to get from my home to work when I take the train, but it takes a mere 20 minutes when I hail an expensive ass cab? Real efficient, jerk. And don't get me started on the smelly train cars. And checking the seat for foreign substances prior to sitting my tush down has become second nature. So gross.
BUT, there is always surprise around every corner, and maybe that's how and why I stay interested. You always keep me on my toes, Chicago. I've lived in three neighborhoods since I moved here 12 years ago, and I've explored countless others. Wandering aimlessly through your captivating corridors fills me with joy. It's one of the few times I don't think about looking at my phone. It's when I get inspired to write, to do more, to be more. Just looking at your various buildings and dreaming of the history they possess causes my mind to drift for hours on end imagining what it might have been like to walk the streets and inhabit those buildings in the 30's, 60's, etc.
You fill me with wonder and dreams, Chicago. You are never boring, and therefore my life is never boring. We've toughed out the hard times together and we've more than appropriately celebrated the good times. As much as I felt you were throwing rocks at me during certain times in my life, there were plenty of other times where you were my rock to lean on and support me. My feelings for you will always be mixed, but isn't variety the spice of life? Regardless, my time with you has been a positive experience, even when many situations didn't seem so positive when I was experiencing them. I know I definitely wouldn't be the person I am today if you weren't the backdrop for my life, Chicago.
The only reason I've ever felt stuck or trapped in a life situation is because you continuously show me that there is more out there. More for me to do, to see, to be. If I had continued living in a small town, I wouldn't know anything bigger than the existence I had always known since I was born. But even though living in a big city makes me feel small, it constantly reminds me that there is always plenty of room to grow.
I'm not sure how much time left we'll have together, Chicago. Life can take me elsewhere or I'll decide that you may not be the right fit for me anymore. But until then, cheers to our adventures together!
Love,
Stephanie
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Fresh Out of Fucks to Give
One of the reasons I started this blog is so I could have the opportunity to express my opinions, thoughts, and feelings without interruption, objection, or judgement. I mean, of course you are still able to judge me, but at least I can't see your face silently criticizing me! Not that the subjects I write about are very controversial or anything, but I do find myself avoiding rocking the boat by keeping my posts fairly neutral.
I also tend to be very passive and agreeable in person, even when I don't necessarily agree with whatever is being said. I worry too much about how I'm perceived and I'd rather die than have anyone be mad at me. But at almost 36 years old, I think it may be far more important to be respected for living authentically and standing my ground rather than worried about someone being mad at me because I don't agree with them. I think it's time for me to stop fearing judgement and start expressing my opinions, regardless of the fact that others may not see eye to eye with me.
I have always fought hard to keep the peace with my friends and coworkers, but it might be fun to stir the pot a bit for once in my life. Incidentally, my BFF is always brutally honest, and incidentally, I respect him tremendously, even though I don't always like what he has to say. Most of the time he's right, but sometimes he's wrong. Even so, he has an opinion and he's not afraid to share it. I admire that. I'd be a lot less anxious if I just stopped giving a fuck about what people think.
For the first time in 36 years, I am confident with my journey and the way I have chosen to live my life. My lifestyle is different from the average 36 year old mid-western white girl, and I'm more than okay with that. For so long I felt pressured by society to not be okay with it, and therefore my confidence suffered because I wasn't doing/saying/acting/being the same as everyone else. But, my life and the way I live it is my choice. And even though it may not be ideal all of the time, it is still MY life. I don't judge you for your choices even when I can't relate or don't want the same things as you do.
It is also important to remember that people don't care as much about my life as much as I think they do. I have to accept that it's okay for someone to be upset with me, and realize that if they value having me in their life, they'll get over it. If not, they'll move on and so will I.
Crazy Bunny Lady
Because I live an unconventional life, it would only make sense for me to adopt a bunny as my pet of choice, as opposed to a dog or cat. I'm alergic to cats and I don't have the time or money to take care of a dog, but it turns out that a bunny is a perfect pet for my lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure many people think that owning a bunny in the city is odd, maybe because they associate bunnies with farms or whatever. Well, I'd like to introduce the world to my Doodles. I adopted her on August 6th from Red Door Animal Shelter. She is an adorable bun with a fun and feisty personality and I love her more than words can describe. And while barn hay has become a very large and messy part of my everyday existence, I maintain that Doodles is very urban chic. After all, she was found fending for herself on the harsh streets of Chicago, making her a strong and independent little lady. She was most likely a bunny that was (irresponsibly) given to some spoiled kid at Easter only to be abandoned by her original family once they realized how much work goes into caring for a bunny. Sadly, this is the same story for most of the bunnies that find there way to Red Door.
Knowing this information regarding her background breaks my heart, but Doodles is the last one to hold a grudge. She is the most active, loving, thankful, healthy, and entertaining creature I've ever known. Her only "imperfection" is that she has a permanently dislocated toe - the only visible marking of her former life. It tears me apart to think about what may have caused her little toe injury, but it doesn't affect her one bit. She fearlessly jumps super high and hops through the house at lightening speed. She attacks me with bunny kisses and knows exactly how to manipulate me into giving her treats. She lets me pet her tiny nose and giant ears for as long as I would like, and she always returns the love with kisses.
Owning a pet is hard work, but the rewards far outweigh the cost and effort. I think the biggest change she has made in my life is allowing me to be a more present individual. I'm completely in the moment when I'm observing or petting her. For crying out loud, I have written so many blog posts about how much I struggle with being present, so why didn't anyone ever tell me that owning a pet could help me learn to clear my head and be fully in the moment?!
Doodles also reminds me to be more thankful on a regular basis. She gets a salad twice a day and a treat before bed and every single time she acts as if it's Christmas freakin' morning. It's adorable. Her reaction causes me to be more enthusiastic and thankful any time I eat too. Not that I'm not already enthusiastic about meal time anyway. But she makes me realize how blessed I am to be alive and have the means to obtain the fuel that keeps me living.
No matter where on this earth life and circumstance take me, I am fully committed to loving and caring for this bun and giving her the best damn life she deserves.
I'm pretty sure many people think that owning a bunny in the city is odd, maybe because they associate bunnies with farms or whatever. Well, I'd like to introduce the world to my Doodles. I adopted her on August 6th from Red Door Animal Shelter. She is an adorable bun with a fun and feisty personality and I love her more than words can describe. And while barn hay has become a very large and messy part of my everyday existence, I maintain that Doodles is very urban chic. After all, she was found fending for herself on the harsh streets of Chicago, making her a strong and independent little lady. She was most likely a bunny that was (irresponsibly) given to some spoiled kid at Easter only to be abandoned by her original family once they realized how much work goes into caring for a bunny. Sadly, this is the same story for most of the bunnies that find there way to Red Door.
Knowing this information regarding her background breaks my heart, but Doodles is the last one to hold a grudge. She is the most active, loving, thankful, healthy, and entertaining creature I've ever known. Her only "imperfection" is that she has a permanently dislocated toe - the only visible marking of her former life. It tears me apart to think about what may have caused her little toe injury, but it doesn't affect her one bit. She fearlessly jumps super high and hops through the house at lightening speed. She attacks me with bunny kisses and knows exactly how to manipulate me into giving her treats. She lets me pet her tiny nose and giant ears for as long as I would like, and she always returns the love with kisses.
Owning a pet is hard work, but the rewards far outweigh the cost and effort. I think the biggest change she has made in my life is allowing me to be a more present individual. I'm completely in the moment when I'm observing or petting her. For crying out loud, I have written so many blog posts about how much I struggle with being present, so why didn't anyone ever tell me that owning a pet could help me learn to clear my head and be fully in the moment?!
Doodles also reminds me to be more thankful on a regular basis. She gets a salad twice a day and a treat before bed and every single time she acts as if it's Christmas freakin' morning. It's adorable. Her reaction causes me to be more enthusiastic and thankful any time I eat too. Not that I'm not already enthusiastic about meal time anyway. But she makes me realize how blessed I am to be alive and have the means to obtain the fuel that keeps me living.
No matter where on this earth life and circumstance take me, I am fully committed to loving and caring for this bun and giving her the best damn life she deserves.
 |
| Doodles... also known as "Doody, Doody Bun, Doodle Baby, Doodster, Baby, Bunster |
Monday, July 28, 2014
Life of a Career Changer - Two Years Later
It's sort of unbelievable that I've been a fitness professional for two whole years now! While the first year of my new life was incredibly challenging and full of ups and downs, the second year has been overwhelmingly rewarding. Through struggle, I gained confidence in my first year that I was able to utilize for a successful second year. I'm not saying my second year was a breeze, but there were far more ups than downs, and I learned how to manage myself better when the going got tough.
If I had known two years ago how hard it would be to switch careers, I may have been too scared to ever do so. But in this case, ignorance was bliss, and I've been fulfilling my purpose ever since I jumped out of my comfort zone only to land in a field where I truly belong.
In past blog posts regarding my first year as a personal trainer, I often bemoaned the sacrifices that came with change and moving forward. What I learned in my second year though, is that those sacrifices didn't mean I was giving much up after all. For instance, my paychecks aren't as beefy as they were when I worked in Corporate America, but I feel as if I'm getting by better than ever. Somehow I'm managing to save some money. Somehow I'm managing to pay all my bills. Somehow I still have enough left over for good food and fun activities. I firmly believe that when you find a way to do what you are meant to do, God takes care of the rest.
Another sacrifice I often mentioned in previous blog posts was giving up so much time with my closest girlfriends. What I failed to mention, though, is that the lives of my girlfriends have evolved in some way right along with mine during the last two years. If I had never made a change to my own life in order to preserve the frequency of which I saw them, then I would have only been left behind while everyone else moved forward.
I was so sad for so long that my lifestyle was drastically altered after initially making a career switch, but I'm not sad about it anymore. In fact, I'm beyond grateful because I now feel as if I'm truly honoring my authentic self. Work and exercise take up a huge chunk of my time, and I'm okay with that. This means I spend a large part of my life doing what I love. Yes, I'm often too tired to be social on the weekends, but I don't feel as if I'm missing out on anything. I now feel as if my life is so rich that I require more downtime because I'm so busy actually living my life. Working in a cube for 40 hours per week only made me feel as if I was wasting away. And going to bars and drinking on the weekends never really made me feel that good anyway. And it definitely never made me feel good the next day. When health became a top priority for me, I realized that life is too short to waste Sundays on the couch being hungover.
Many times during that first year I felt like giving up. But a little voice inside myhead heart kept telling me to "keep going." And in my second year, I learned how to appreciate the pros despite the cons of my new career and realized that no job is perfect. I learned not to take anything personally. I learned how important it is to not compromise my integrity regardless of opinions from clients and coworkers. I learned that hard work and giving everything I've got is the only way to find success on the path to working for what I so strongly believe in, and accepting that doing so still might not be enough. I also learned how important it is to have a best friend/roommate (who has also been a mentor to me) readily and willingly available for support at all times, especially when my confidence was shaky.
Perhaps the biggest takeaway from my second year is gaining the courage and the confidence to grow even more in my field. I don't want to become stagnant at my current place of employment, and instead would like to see where and how far I can take my talents. When I wrote this post last year, I wondered where I'd be one year from then. I speculated that maybe I'd be a more successful and developed trainer, and I can definitely say that is 100% accurate. I've held the #3 spot and top female spot for the last year for personal training at my gym. But I do also have to wonder where I'll be one year from now. Wherever I find myself, I want to find myself growing in my field and even more successful than I am today. And the simple act of believing in myself ensures that I'll get there.
"It is your patience and your labor that allows miracles to happen." - Elizabeth Gilbert
If I had known two years ago how hard it would be to switch careers, I may have been too scared to ever do so. But in this case, ignorance was bliss, and I've been fulfilling my purpose ever since I jumped out of my comfort zone only to land in a field where I truly belong.
In past blog posts regarding my first year as a personal trainer, I often bemoaned the sacrifices that came with change and moving forward. What I learned in my second year though, is that those sacrifices didn't mean I was giving much up after all. For instance, my paychecks aren't as beefy as they were when I worked in Corporate America, but I feel as if I'm getting by better than ever. Somehow I'm managing to save some money. Somehow I'm managing to pay all my bills. Somehow I still have enough left over for good food and fun activities. I firmly believe that when you find a way to do what you are meant to do, God takes care of the rest.
Another sacrifice I often mentioned in previous blog posts was giving up so much time with my closest girlfriends. What I failed to mention, though, is that the lives of my girlfriends have evolved in some way right along with mine during the last two years. If I had never made a change to my own life in order to preserve the frequency of which I saw them, then I would have only been left behind while everyone else moved forward.
I was so sad for so long that my lifestyle was drastically altered after initially making a career switch, but I'm not sad about it anymore. In fact, I'm beyond grateful because I now feel as if I'm truly honoring my authentic self. Work and exercise take up a huge chunk of my time, and I'm okay with that. This means I spend a large part of my life doing what I love. Yes, I'm often too tired to be social on the weekends, but I don't feel as if I'm missing out on anything. I now feel as if my life is so rich that I require more downtime because I'm so busy actually living my life. Working in a cube for 40 hours per week only made me feel as if I was wasting away. And going to bars and drinking on the weekends never really made me feel that good anyway. And it definitely never made me feel good the next day. When health became a top priority for me, I realized that life is too short to waste Sundays on the couch being hungover.
Many times during that first year I felt like giving up. But a little voice inside my
Perhaps the biggest takeaway from my second year is gaining the courage and the confidence to grow even more in my field. I don't want to become stagnant at my current place of employment, and instead would like to see where and how far I can take my talents. When I wrote this post last year, I wondered where I'd be one year from then. I speculated that maybe I'd be a more successful and developed trainer, and I can definitely say that is 100% accurate. I've held the #3 spot and top female spot for the last year for personal training at my gym. But I do also have to wonder where I'll be one year from now. Wherever I find myself, I want to find myself growing in my field and even more successful than I am today. And the simple act of believing in myself ensures that I'll get there.
"It is your patience and your labor that allows miracles to happen." - Elizabeth Gilbert
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Embracing Choppy Waters
Life is never easy. There are moments in life that are effortless and easy, but life itself is not easy, per se. Well, no life worth living, that is. Right? Or am I wrong? I'm always fighting to become stronger, happier, and smarter, and that's not easy. I'm exhausted most of the time. I'm exhausted from trying so hard. I'm exhausted from trying, succeeding, and then having to keep trying to be even more successful. It's a cycle that never ends. Instead of living in the moment and basking in happiness, I constantly feel pressure from myself to be more, and to do more. Most of the time, no matter how much I accomplish, I still feel lazy and behind everyone else. I want so much more, but I am discouraged at the thought of how much more I'd need to drain myself to get there. And once I get there, won't I pressure myself to find a reason to want and work for even more anyway? Is trying to be the best of your best worth it? Is it worth feeling completely wiped out all of the time? I never feel like I'm good enough no matter what I do anyway. I'm afraid to give myself a break, because what if I get so comfortable that I end up giving up on my dreams completely? Sometimes I feel like there is no right way to live life. There are always difficult sacrifices and trade-offs which make me think it may be impossible to "have it all." Hope and a positive attitude keep me from giving up, but I have yet to experience even a glimpse of "having it all." Instead of trying so damn hard, maybe I should just let go and let life play out. But if I do that, won't I end up watching life pass me by? If I keep relentlessly trying to have everything I want, on the other hand, will I ever truly let myself be satisfied? There is a fine line in there somewhere, and I have yet to pinpoint that line.
Last year around this time I was experiencing some major uncertainties in my life. I was $13 short on my rent and seriously reconsidering my career as a personal trainer. Do I stick with it? Do I give up now and save myself further grief? Back and forth, back and forth my brain was volleying options like a tennis ball. No option seemed like a good one and so I was paralyzed with indecision. But then, at my lowest point, desperately seeking a sign for which direction to take, I was walking to the train one night after work and found exactly $13 on the street. Just enough to cover the full amount of my rent. It was a sign to keep going, and I soon found myself accelerating in my career.
One year later, I don't consider myself in a low spot, per se, but I do find myself facing uncertainties again. I feel pressure by society and myself to avoid settling for current circumstances, and instead to seek out and work for bigger and better goals.
Some people work their whole lives at the same job and they are happy. Other people relentlessly pursue their passions and are not happy. I worked at the same job for years and wished it made me happy, but I was too restless and felt pressure from within to want more for myself. Now that I'm one of those people who works relentlessly to live off of what they are passionate about, I feel happy when I'm doing my work, but anxious and exhausted from the difficulties in making it work.
I've embraced the frequently choppy waters that accompany my sail through life, but that doesn't mean I handle it well. I'm emotionally sensitive and over think everything. Risk is a word that I dislike, and yet that word has defined a major part of the past 2 years of my life. According to society, countless self-help books, and those eye-roll inducing inspirational memes on Pinterest, taking risks is supposed to make me happy, but mostly the idea of taking a risk makes me crazy. But so does staying idle. This is why life is not easy. I'm constantly paralyzed by infinite options and both major and minor decisions, so more often than not, I remain idle while entertaining the risks I want to take.
I don't regret a single risk I've ever taken though. Dealing with sacrifices has definitely been the most difficult part of any risk I've taken, but I've also gained strength, insight, and wisdom from navigating my way through choppy waters. There may not be a right way to live life, but dealing with the challenges of perpetually chasing your dreams rather than the challenges regretting risks not taken can't possibly be wrong.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Back to the Present
I have a lot of trouble being "present" or "in the moment." As much as I practice yoga or practice redirecting my brain from ruminating, more often than not I find my mind drifting to events of the past or anxiously peering into a future riddled with uncertainty. In other words, my brain is usually anywhere but "here." It has dawned on me that when I do look back on my life though, I wish I would have appreciated whatever I was going through at any particular time, good or bad, but especially good. It has dawned on me that I take a lot of cool stuff about my life for granted.
I recently had a conversation with my BFF about how doing laundry really makes me feel like I have my shit together. I gushed to him that something about the cleansing, the folding, the organizing and putting away that makes me feel like I really have everything in line. He commented in response to my passionate rant about domestic chores, "But you do have your shit together. You're just too busy always comparing yourself to others." OMG. TOTES. If I just remembered to pause and realize that I'm exactly where I need to be right now at this time in my life, I'd be a whole lot happier and less anxious about my circumstances.
It's like I purposely avoid eye contact with the present moment, even though the present moment is really the only thing that ever matters. Nothing lasts forever, good or bad, and no one is truly stuck anywhere, so why would I ever let my happiness be compromised by external circumstances that aren't permanent anyway?
Bear with me for this next sentence, but I think that by looking into the future to look back at the present as the past, I'd find a lot more happiness, and would express far more gratitude to God for my life. An example of this came to me this week as I thought about how as a kid I used to vacation in North Carolina with my family during summertime for two whole weeks. For the love. TWO WHOLE WEEKS! I didn't quite appreciate my good fortune too much at the time, but holy shit if I knew back then that spending two weeks at the coast would nearly be impossible for me as an adult, I might have eaten more ice cream cones while walking along the beach. I might have spent an extra hour every day with my toes in the sand. I definitely would have shown more gratitude toward my parents for blessing me with such an incredible opportunity every summer of my already awesome childhood.
Obviously, being an adult is a bit different though, because life is more about responsibility and not always about fun. There are plenty of ups and downs and plenty of times where I let the downs take over my life. But I tend to look back at various times during my adult life in Chicago when I thought I wasn't happy and realize that I still had it really good. So I don't understand why I don't embrace and appreciate my current circumstances a little more. This is my life. It's happening. But I tend not to wholly appreciate my life until I can only reflect upon moments that have passed. Even the not-so-rosy experiences only exist to teach me, and although I know deep down that rocky roads make me stronger, it's so easy to forget and get incredibly frustrated when things aren't going my way.
My current life situation is that I'm 35 years old and living with roommates, which isn't as easy or as comfortable as living solo, and at times I get so worked up about it that I feel as if my emotional well being is teetering on the edge of a cliff. Additionally, my career as a personal trainer is completely exhausting and time consuming, and I make very little money to show for my relentless hard work. I'll admit that I get annoyed by my life sometimes. Okay, I get annoyed a lot of times. But, why? What's the point? When I force myself to look at the big picture, or as I mentioned previously, when I force myself to "look into the future to look back at the present as the past," I immediately remember that I'm truly blessed because I LOVE my career, and I'm getting by just fine, so I shouldn't worry about not making a ton of money. Also, I LOVE paying cheap rent. I LOVE living with my BFF. And I deeply value the opportunity to reside in an international household (my other roommate is Taiwanese and my BFF and his parents - who live downstairs - are Chilean). My situation works. For now, that is. Living with roommates won't be forever, and I may not have the good fortune to be a trainer forever, so why not just enjoy my life for what it is right now?
When I stop comparing myself to others and really pause to take in the moment, I realize that I'm lucky beyond measure. I need to spend more time appreciating my crazy life situations at any point in time for what they are right here and right now, and take pleasure in the fact that whatever I'm experiencing is just another step in the path of the unconventional life that I'm so happy I chose to lead over a traditional one. My life is never boring. Never. How amazing and fortunate for me! I need to remember that it's pointless to stress about what I haven't yet accomplished in life when I know in my heart that if I want something bad enough, I WILL make it happen. And for crying out loud, I need to let today be today... This hour be this hour... This minute be this minute. And in this moment, I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude.
I recently had a conversation with my BFF about how doing laundry really makes me feel like I have my shit together. I gushed to him that something about the cleansing, the folding, the organizing and putting away that makes me feel like I really have everything in line. He commented in response to my passionate rant about domestic chores, "But you do have your shit together. You're just too busy always comparing yourself to others." OMG. TOTES. If I just remembered to pause and realize that I'm exactly where I need to be right now at this time in my life, I'd be a whole lot happier and less anxious about my circumstances.
It's like I purposely avoid eye contact with the present moment, even though the present moment is really the only thing that ever matters. Nothing lasts forever, good or bad, and no one is truly stuck anywhere, so why would I ever let my happiness be compromised by external circumstances that aren't permanent anyway?
Bear with me for this next sentence, but I think that by looking into the future to look back at the present as the past, I'd find a lot more happiness, and would express far more gratitude to God for my life. An example of this came to me this week as I thought about how as a kid I used to vacation in North Carolina with my family during summertime for two whole weeks. For the love. TWO WHOLE WEEKS! I didn't quite appreciate my good fortune too much at the time, but holy shit if I knew back then that spending two weeks at the coast would nearly be impossible for me as an adult, I might have eaten more ice cream cones while walking along the beach. I might have spent an extra hour every day with my toes in the sand. I definitely would have shown more gratitude toward my parents for blessing me with such an incredible opportunity every summer of my already awesome childhood.
Obviously, being an adult is a bit different though, because life is more about responsibility and not always about fun. There are plenty of ups and downs and plenty of times where I let the downs take over my life. But I tend to look back at various times during my adult life in Chicago when I thought I wasn't happy and realize that I still had it really good. So I don't understand why I don't embrace and appreciate my current circumstances a little more. This is my life. It's happening. But I tend not to wholly appreciate my life until I can only reflect upon moments that have passed. Even the not-so-rosy experiences only exist to teach me, and although I know deep down that rocky roads make me stronger, it's so easy to forget and get incredibly frustrated when things aren't going my way.
My current life situation is that I'm 35 years old and living with roommates, which isn't as easy or as comfortable as living solo, and at times I get so worked up about it that I feel as if my emotional well being is teetering on the edge of a cliff. Additionally, my career as a personal trainer is completely exhausting and time consuming, and I make very little money to show for my relentless hard work. I'll admit that I get annoyed by my life sometimes. Okay, I get annoyed a lot of times. But, why? What's the point? When I force myself to look at the big picture, or as I mentioned previously, when I force myself to "look into the future to look back at the present as the past," I immediately remember that I'm truly blessed because I LOVE my career, and I'm getting by just fine, so I shouldn't worry about not making a ton of money. Also, I LOVE paying cheap rent. I LOVE living with my BFF. And I deeply value the opportunity to reside in an international household (my other roommate is Taiwanese and my BFF and his parents - who live downstairs - are Chilean). My situation works. For now, that is. Living with roommates won't be forever, and I may not have the good fortune to be a trainer forever, so why not just enjoy my life for what it is right now?
When I stop comparing myself to others and really pause to take in the moment, I realize that I'm lucky beyond measure. I need to spend more time appreciating my crazy life situations at any point in time for what they are right here and right now, and take pleasure in the fact that whatever I'm experiencing is just another step in the path of the unconventional life that I'm so happy I chose to lead over a traditional one. My life is never boring. Never. How amazing and fortunate for me! I need to remember that it's pointless to stress about what I haven't yet accomplished in life when I know in my heart that if I want something bad enough, I WILL make it happen. And for crying out loud, I need to let today be today... This hour be this hour... This minute be this minute. And in this moment, I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)