As I've made abundantly clear in previous posts, I do not like my job. Besides hating the actual work, the environment is severely unhealthy. I truly believe that working amidst such bad vibes over the years has crushed my spirit and stunted my confidence. Sure, I've been promoted three times within the last eight years, and I'm incredibly thankful to be employed and to earn a decent salary, but is it worth being super miserable for 40 hours a week? I have to keep repeating the phrase, "It could be worse. It could be worse." But could it also be better? I have my doubts, and those doubts are the reason I'm stuck in workplace purgatory.
I often think about what I'd rather be doing for 8 hours a day, and turns out, there is plenty I'd rather be doing.
For example, I love writing so much that time seems to quickly melt away whenever my mind is translating thoughts and ideas into words. I also really like being creative, and I'd redecorate my living space weekly if I had the time and money.
Additionally, I love working with children, and I feel most in my element and most confident when I'm helping them. This is why I allow volunteering with kids to take up a huge chunk of my free time. I also absolutely love working out, which also takes up a huge amount of my time. I love talking about fitness, I love reading about it, and I just love how it makes me feel, because I love pushing myself physically and mentally.
So, I guess if I were to combine all of my passions into one occupation, then I would design a fitness center for underprivileged children and blog about it. Is that a thing? Does it pay well? Good health benefits? Decent retirement plan? No? Nothing like that?
Realistically, I'd be happy doing anything that had to do with any one of my passions. Hell, I'd be happy just being my own boss.
Unfortunately, I wasn't fully self aware during college (who is?!), so I majored in communications without a clear idea about where I wanted that major to lead me. I thought advertising might be super cool, but when I moved to Chicago and met people in advertising working at least 12 - 14 hour days, I realized that I could never care enough about any hot new product to let it suck up so much of my life. But, I would spend 24 hours a day doing any of my aforementioned "passions."
I feel as though my generation got the short end of the stick. Because the economy has been a wreck ever since we graduated ten years ago, we've been forced to set aside the idea of "following our dreams," and instead "follow what is most practical." And to me, what is most practical is a salary that allows me to live and thrive on my own, health insurance, and vacation days.
I have been looking for other jobs. The search has been quite discouraging so far, however, as a lot of what sounds good either pays a lot less than what I make, or is completely outside of the realm of my qualifications. And unfortunately, as a single woman with nothing to fall back on, I can't justify taking a risk, taking a pay cut, or going back to school when I'm still paying for the first round.
Additionally, the poor economy has made me gun shy, as I'm afraid I'll start work at a new place only to fear being laid off at any moment. In fact, I don't really know a "normal" when my job wasn't dangling over my head. So, staying put and hanging on to all those accumulated vacation days until I find something I know will be secure and rewarding makes the most sense to me.
Despite the roadblocks and my concerns though, I really do believe that something better is out there. It has to be. I'm not giving up. But until I find a new job, my current one will remain the means for me to live my otherwise full life.
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