Pattern Overload

My personal training text book defines the term "pattern overload" as: 1. Repetitive physical activity that moves through the same patterns of motion, placing the same stresses on the body over time. 2. Consistently repeating the same pattern of motion, which may place abnormal stresses on the body.

This term came to my mind recently as I was thinking about my love life. I have a very distinct pattern when it comes to dating, and although I'm well aware of it, I can't seem to break it. For instance, it's quite obvious to me that I tend to hopelessly chase guys who like me well enough, but who are emotionally unavailable, or who are just simply unable to commit to a relationship at the moment... or, with me. I let them keep me safely at arms length and never question how/why/what they are feeling, and I don't dare divulge my own feelings for fear of stirring the pot and screwing things up. I end up sticking around for too long hoping that something will click and change for the better, but it never does. I consistently lie to myself and think that something is there when it's not, and then I'm crushed any time the truth emerges.

After each crushing blow I'm left asking myself the same questions over and over again: What did I do wrong? What could I have done to make it work? What could I have done to make him like me more? Was I too guarded? Was I not assertive enough with my feelings?

Shit like this makes me feel like I'm eons away from being in the "right relationship." Will I ever get it right?

I haven't written about my dating life lately, but that doesn't mean it has been inactive. In fact, I was kinda, sorta, maybe, somewhat, vaguely involved with someone during the past 6 months or so. He's an exceptionally amazing and wonderful person whom I consider a friend, first and foremost, so during the points over the last 6 months when I didn't think we were anything more than friends, I was okay with that (mostly). But there were many times when I was led to believe it was maybe more, and that was all exciting and good - until the next round of mixed signals confused my already overly ruminating mind. But of course I never dared to ask, "What the hell is going on with us?" for fear of not hearing what I wanted to hear, even though I wasn't hearing anything I wanted to hear in the first place. Ignorance is bliss...er, at least it's momentarily satisfying.

When it comes to love and dating for me, hope outshines reality, and hope is what I normally choose to latch onto. I guess this is the caveat to being an optimistic person.

I may not have been getting exactly what I wanted from him, but it's my fault for expecting more than he could give, and it's my fault for lying to myself for so long when deep down I knew that he couldn't.

But because I've been single for so long, receiving the "good night" texts during the past six months were simply satisfying enough to pleasantly remind me that, at the end of the day, I'm not alone in this world.

According to my personal training textbook, a good flexibility/balance/strength program can correct the cumulative injury cycle caused by the pattern overload that places abnormal stresses on the body. And as my dating pattern overload is placing abnormal stresses on my heart, it's time I finally prescribe a flexibility/balance/strength program to correct it.

"Just cause you feel it, doesn't mean it's there." - lyric from There There by Radiohead