Welcome to the Lonely Hearts Club

Remember, I'm not only the Lonely Hearts Club president, but I'm also a client.

As I sit here at my computer with a glass of wine on the Saturday night before Valentine's Day feeling all Carrie Bradshaw-ish, I can't help but wonder: Am I ever going to freakin' date again???

It would be one thing if I were going on lots of dates and simply deciding that all those dudes are wrong for me, but it is quite another to not even be able to get a date!

As I am typing this, I'm reminded of a quote from Wayne's World where Wayne's ex-girlfriend gives him a gun rack for his birthday, and his response to receiving it is, "I don't even own a gun - let alone many guns - that would necessitate an entire rack." I'm thinking of it because I'm relating to the idea of someone handing me a little black book and me replying, "I don't even have a phone number - let alone many phone numbers - that would necessitate an entire black book."

Granted, I don't know who, in their right mind, would ever give a little black book as a gift, but hopefully you catch my drift.

Anyway, for most of my adult life, I have been single far more than I've been in a relationship, and that hasn't ever really bothered me. Being single certainly has it's perks! For example, eating cereal straight out of the box while watching crappy reality shows on TV with no judgement, creating disasters in the kitchen all in the name of experimentation, exchanging flirty glances with the handsome security guards at Target and taking far too much time to get ready for bed are all behaviors that make being single acceptable, and even kind of fun.

But what happens when it's no longer preferable to be single? In my 20's, getting a date was as simple as making eye contact with an attractive lad on the bus. In my 30's, however, something has changed.

Of course, I'm not naive enough to realize that the pool of dateable guys has certainly narrowed as I've been getting older, but I refuse to believe the pool has been completely depleted. Or, has it? I live in a city where I'm constantly surrounded by other people who are constantly out and about running errands, window shopping, commuting in groups, working out at the gym, etc. Yet, I don't seem to be approachable. And many times I feel too hesitant to approach someone because it really does seem that most guys around my age are already taken.

So, at 32 years old, have I missed the boat? Was it a huge mistake to reject the "good" guys of my past? Honestly, I don't think so. I really wasn't ready until recently to find someone with whom I could see spending the rest of my life. Well, perhaps I would have been ready before recently if I had only met the right person. But, who is that right person?

I've thought about it a lot, and I don't think I'm asking for too much. I've definitely learned what I don't want from all of the dating disasters of my past, and I've also formulated what I do want. In fact, here is a little list:

1. I need someone who can make me laugh. I genuinely believe that a little humor goes a long way.
2. I need someone who is on the same page as me, or is willing to compromise regarding what to eat for dinner, going out during a weekend, etc. I firmly believe that being on the same page is why I've maintained the friendships I've had for so long.
3. I need someone who is willing to share with me. I don't just mean his deepest thoughts and feelings, but I really need to know what the hell is going on in his life. I was with a person who intentionally withheld so much personal info that it ultimately destroyed us.
4. I need trust and honesty. Without those 2 crucial elements, a relationship, let alone a successful one, is impossible. Seems simple enough, but, unfortunately, I needed experience to drive this lesson home.
5. I need someone with character. I need someone to be nice to my friends, for instance. Even if he secretly doesn't like one of them, he needs to be respectful of my friendships, because they mean the world to me.
6. I need to be attracted to the person. I don't care if the rest of the world thinks he's a troll, I need to feel those tingles.
7. I need someone who is dependable. I don't mean someone who can carry out favors for me at every little request, but someone who does what he says he is going to do. I need someone who follows through with a commitment, in other words.
8. I need someone who is willing to get out of his comfort zone once and a while. I basically build my life around getting out of my comfort zone, no matter how insignificant it is to the big picture, so it would be nice to find someone who is also willing to do so and perhaps even willing to push me.
9. I need someone who is comfortable experiencing all of the emotions on the spectrum, but can also keep them rationally contained. I was once in a relationship with someone who had a tendency to be extremely negative and who had a temper, and that just didn't fly with me.
10. Finally, I don't think it is greedy for me to want someone who also knows how to "sweat the small stuff."

See, that isn't too much, right? Pretty standard, I think. And I truly feel as if I'm putting myself out there, so I don't know what I'm missing. Hopefully, something will click soon and I'll figure it out before the next Valentine's Day rolls around.

Taking the Bullsh!t by the Horns

35 days into 2011 and I've essentially made zero progress with my only two New Year's Goals. I'm not discouraged though - mostly because I haven't exactly been proactive in reaching these goals. I know I need a plan, but, to be honest, I'm not totally sure where to begin! No more excuses though. I need to kick my own butt into gear so I can make big changes in my life. While I'm still working out the details, though, allow me to share a some stories to make you understand why I desperately need to get out of my current job situation, and why finding love hasn't exactly been an easy road to navigate for me. Wait a minute - perhaps I could kill two birds with one stone and make millions off of creating a GPS system for dating & relationships?!

The Devil Wears Prada....and Gucci and Armani
When I graduated college nearly 10 years ago, I firmly believed that I'd find a job career in Chicago that was all puppies and rainbows and roses. But, when I moved to the big city in a post-9/11 economy with no job and a bank account that was rapidly dwindling into the abyss each day I wasn't working, reality (along with a heaping spoonful of cynicism) quickly settled in. I eventually became desperate and took the first job offered to me at a law office. It was a miserable, bottom of the barrel job that paid a paltry salary, but I was beyond thankful. Until I wasn't anymore. I was lucky enough to find a different job as an office manager just over a year later, but I had no clue that I was making a deal with The Devil when I accepted the offer. Without disclosing the name of the company, I will say that I work for a brokerage firm led by a boss far more vicious and terrifying than Meryl Streep's character in The Devil Wears Prada. I only wish I had a boss who was as mild mannered as Streep's Devil.

It didn't take long before I realized my new boss was off her rocker. Screaming at her employees, screaming at people on the phone, firing people left & right, getting so mad so as to push everything off her desk like a raging lunatic - all became the norm I was forced to accept at my new workplace. I believe I caught the most hell from The Devil when I was promoted to event planner, though. I work in finance now, which allows me to be far less interactive with my boss than being an event planner, and so that is my only excuse for not leaving the company yet and being able to (barely) tolerate the madness.

One example of a ridiculous incident with my boss occurred 5 years ago when we were in the process moving to a new office. The Devil was out of town when she emailed me with instructions to go to the Loop to take photos of our new office building to be emailed to one of our sales reps for his website. There were several problems with this request, however. A.) I didn't own a digital camera at the time, B.) I wouldn't have brought my digital camera to work with me if I had owned one, and C.) It was a cloudy, rainy day with zero visibility beyond a few feet.

I remember spending an absurd amount of time contemplating exactly how I would respond to her email to avoid having her go off on me for not being able to carry out this request. When I finally did craft the perfect email, I explained to her that I didn't own a digital camera, about the weather, etc. I also attached several professional photos of the new building I was able to locate online and asked if it would be sufficient to send those. The reply? "Unacceptable. Go to the Loop and take a picture of the new office." Ooooh kaaaay, Ms. Crazy. Whatever you say! So, how did I overcome this little obstacle, you ask? Well, I could have mocked her and gone to the new office to take a barely visible pic with my camera phone. But, instead I sent the professional pics to the rep anyway but didn't cc her on the email. I simply emailed her separately later in the day telling her I sent pics to the rep. Problem eliminated, but lots of aggravation accrued.

Another incident occurred when I was planning an event in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, and I was working on scheduling a group sunset cruise. The Devil specified the time she wanted the sunset cruise to take place, but there was a problem in that her requested time slot didn't coincide with the actual setting of the sun. I explained this to her in an email (we rarely speak on the phone or in person) and gave her all the possible available options for boat departures. Not surprisingly, she shot back in all caps (her signature move) that the cruise had to happen at her specified time because the group had a dinner reservation beforehand that couldn't be changed. After an email tug-of-war, and after coming to the office on a Saturday to get the stupid cruise settled to her satisfaction, I finally gave up and scheduled the cruise for the time that the sun was actually setting. I emailed the officially scheduled time to The Devil and didn't check my email the rest of the weekend. I promptly got in trouble the following Monday for "not taking direction and not listening to instruction." Other than calling God and asking him to do me a solid and move the time of the sunset , I have no possible clue how I could have changed the outcome of that situation.

Although there are many, many stories like the ones above that involve me and my fellow coworkers, allow me to indulge myself with just one more story, please.

As the event planner, I was also occasionally requested to schedule personal trips for my boss. One of these times she wanted to take a trip to Bora Bora, and she wanted to stay in one of those fancy bungalows that are set just above the calm, aqua-colored ocean water. Using her miles, points, clout, etc., I was able to find exactly what she wanted at an amazing rate. I did it! I had successfully planned the perfect trip for my boss! But, after I sent her all of the details and was just about to reach my arm up to pat myself on the back, I received an email from The Devil in ALL CAPS AND BOLD, RED LETTERS declaring that the trip I planned couldn't possibly be correct because it wasn't expensive enough. At that, I did the only thing I could think of and sent her an outline of how I used her points, miles, etc. I even pasted a picture of the resort onto the body of the email with an arrow pointing to her exact bungalow. (By this time in my employment, I had gathered enough guts to be, if only ever so slightly, a smart ass.) I never received a reply email, which, as I learned during my early years as an employee for The Devil, meant I was correct. Success!

Although it may be possible to occasionally win battles with The Devil, I'm also quite positive the war won't be won until Hell freezes over.

Looks like this entry is getting quite lengthy, so I'll leave my dating horror stories for another day!

Now what?

As 2010 is just days away from drawing to a close, I have been reflecting upon my last nearly 365 days. 2010 was a productive and fun year, full of experience and accomplishment, yet, instead of feeling over-the-top full, I find that I still want more. After a year of sweating the small stuff and appreciating every moment, I'm more than ready to sweat the big stuff too. You see, I'm only making 2 goals for 2011:

1. Find a new job that makes me genuinely excited to wake up in the morning

2. Find a new boyfriend who makes me genuinely excited to wake up in the morning

Not that I'm not already happy and full with life, but waking up to go to my current job provides me with zero motivation. And, after being single for soooooo loooooong, I've also been waking up and feeling quite lonely. I've already proved to myself that I can be very strong and independent and completely self-sufficient, but now I want to prove to myself that their is also room for a little vulnerability, and that it is not a bad thing.

I'm going to continue blogging in 2011, but I'm going to blog about dating instead. I know, I know - I swore I'd never write a dating blog since so many women before me have already tackled the subject over and over and over again. But, I realized that most of us are having a hell of a time in the dating jungle, and it genuinely interests people to read about the experiences of others who are also navigating their way through love, lust and everything in between.

Down, but Not Defeated

Yesterday I finally learned my fate of applying to the AUSL teaching program. Unfortunately, I did not get accepted.

Although I exhausted so much time and effort during my pursuit of this program, I do not regret a single second of it. In fact, I'd only harbor regrets if I never tried.

Because I believe that everything happens for a reason, I'm trying to focus on the positive aspects of my rejection. And I hope and pray that a better opportunity will cross my path instead. I'm very accepting of the fact that the AUSL program just wasn't meant to be, and I'm confident that I'll find happiness in different work in the future.

I still maintain that this has been one of the most rewarding and inspiring years of my life! And I'm beyond thankful to have become a mentor with Friends First. My mentee and I have grown quite close the past few months, and I'm so proud to cheer her on as she pursues her own goals. I became a mentor to gain more experience with children, and I'm not certain I would have applied to be a mentor had I not pursued the AUSL program. And that would have been a shame, because being a mentor is one of the best things I have ever done in my life.

Additionally, after all I was willing to sacrifice to get accepted into this program, perhaps now I won't have to consider sacrificing so much when pursuing future endeavors, including what is most important to me - time with family and friends.

I still believe in sweating the small stuff despite the cliche instructing me not to, and I'm learning that maybe it's the big stuff that we shouldn't sweat after all. If we refuse to dwell on the negative outcomes of our goals and choose to perceive them as positive experiences instead, then perhaps our potential to achieve is limitless.

The Finish Line

I did it! I accomplished ALL of my Top Ten Goals for 2010! And with over a month to spare!

Queue the fanfare, confetti, trumpets, parade, etc.

Setting all of these goals really gave me a purpose this year and blogging about them undoubtedly kept me on track. Setting these goals also served as a springboard for giving me the guts to pursue some really drastic life changes this year. Additionally, I've been happier than I've been in years, and accomplishing my goals along with the unwavering support of friends and family has contributed significantly to my happiness. I have learned so much this year and have been so inspired, but I think I can best sum up what I've learned by saying that if you don't try to get out of your comfort zone as often as possible, then you will always fear change and you may never have the courage to face the unpredictable curve balls life has a tendency to throw at you (good and bad). I've learned that this is true for me, at least.

When I set out to write this blog, I decided to focus on "sweating the small stuff" and directing lots of attention to appreciating the little miracles in life. But, I've learned that a culmination of appreciating life's little gifts and overcoming everyday hurdles with a positive attitude prepares one to confidently venture onto bigger challenges. So, as I wait to hear my fate after applying to the AUSL teaching program, I can't help but think that setting my Top Ten Goals for 2010 positively led me to working toward one giant goal.

So, without further ado, here is a rundown of all my accomplished goals:

1. Goal - Run at least 5 races:

a.) Chicago Police Run to Remember 5k (29:26/9:28 pace)
b.) PAWS Run for Their Lives 8k (47:39/9:35 pace)

c.) Bucktown 5k (29:21/9:27 pace)
d.) Pumpkins in the Park 5k (28:00/9.01 pace)
e.) Hot Chocolate 5k (I forgot my race bib on day of race, so it wasn't timed. Boo.)

2. Goal - Learn to cook at least 3 new dishes:

I actually cooked a ton of new dishes this year, but these were the first three things I made

a.) Chicken Mole Nachos with Avocado Cream
b.) Pasta & Potato Bake

c.) Moroccan Soup

3. Goal - Read 10 books and write about each:

You can find my favorite quotes/passages from these books in my previous entry at:
http://bigcitysmallpotatoes.blogspot.com/2010/11/book-report.html

a.) City of Thieves by David Benioff
b.) Loving Frank by Nancy Horan
c.) Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby
d.) Push by Saphire
e.) The Kite Runner by Khalid Hosseini
f.) The Other Wes Moore by Wes Moore
g.) Virgil and Beatrice by Yann Martel
h.) My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler
i.) Lit by Mary Karr
j.) Eating the Dinosaur by Chuck Klosterman

4. Goal - Write in my journal at least once a week:

I wrote over 52 times. That counts as once a week, right??

5. Goal - Go on at least one big trip:

You can read about my Costa Rican adventures by clicking on this entry: http://bigcitysmallpotatoes.blogspot.com/2010/04/costa-rica.html

and this one too:

http://bigcitysmallpotatoes.blogspot.com/2010/05/pura-vida.html

6. Goal - Volunteer at least one time:

a.) Kids Day America with One Brick

b.) Became a mentor with Friends First through Mercy Home

7. Goal - Take a class:

a.) Canning tomatoes with The Glass Rooster

8. Goal - Pay off 2 credit cards:

I fully expected some sort of fanfare once I paid off the balances of my two old credit cards, but the statements just stopped coming instead. Very anti-climatic. Oh well, I'm still proud!

9. Goal - Save money:
I took some fairly drastic measures in order to save money this year. The following are just some examples of the steps I took and how I modified some spending habits.

a.) Paid off credit cards
b.) Moved to an apartment with a much lower rental rate

c.) Lowered my student loan payment
d.) I have only ordered take-out/delivery a handful of times since I moved
e.) Used coupons and swapped name brand items for generic equivalents

10. Goal - Frugally re-decorate bedroom
I've since moved, but I was able to re-decorate my bedroom by employing my mad Martha Stewart skillz and only spending around $200. Plus, I was easily able to transport the decor to my new bedroom! Very efficient and frugal indeed!

Book Report

My #4 goal for 2010 was to read 10 books and write about each of them. It just so happens that I've read more than 10 books this year, but the following are my favorite quotes and/or passages from 10 of the books I read:

1. City of Thieves by David Benioff: "I am aware that I am aware"

2. Loving Frank by Nancy Horan: "I have been standing on the side of life, watching it float by. I want to swim in the river. I want to feel the current."

3. Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby: "She had to defend him in order to defend herself. That was why people were so prickly about their partners, even their ex-partners. To admit that Duncan wasn't up to much was to own up publicly to the terrible waste of time, and terrible lapses in judgement and taste."

4. Push by Sapphire: "Abdul get tested. He is not HIV positive. Something like that make me feel what Rhonda, what Farrakhan, say - there is a god. But me when I think of it I'm more inclined to go wid Shug in The Color Purple. God ain' white, he ain' no Jew or Muslim, maybe he ain' even black, maybe he ain' even a "he." Even now I go downtown and see the rich shit they got, I see what we got too. I see those men in vacant lot share one hot dog and they homeless, that's good as Jesus with his fish. I remember when I had my daughter, she nurse nice to me - all that is god. Shug in Color Purple say it's the "wonder" of purple flowers. I feel that, even though I never seen or had no flowers like what she talk about."

5. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini "Perspective was a luxury when your head was constantly buzzing with a swarm of demons."

"...I brought Hassan's son from Afghanistan to America, lifting him from the certainty of turmoil and dropping him in a turmoil of uncertainty."

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

6. The Other Wes Moore by Wes Moore: "There's a term in the hood for a face like Tony's, that cold, frozen stare. The ice grille. It's a great phrase. A look of blank hostility that masks two intense feelings - the fire evoked by grille (which is also slang for face), and the cold of the ice. But the tough facade is just a way to hide a deeper pain or depression that kids don't know how to deal with. A bottomless chasm of insecurity and self-doubt that gnaws at them. Young boys are more likely to believe in themselves if they know that there's someone, somewhere, who shares that belief. To carry the burden of belief alone is too much for most young shoulders."

"It made me think deeply about the way privilege and preference work in the world, and how many kids who didn't have "luck" like mine in this instance would find themselves forever outside the ring of power and prestige. So many opportunities in this country are apportioned in this arbitrary and miserly way, distributed to those who already have the benefit of a privileged legacy."

"One of the key differences between the two was the way their communities saw them. Here [South Africa], burgeoning manhood was guided and celebrated through a rite of passage. At home [America], burgeoning manhood was a trigger for apprehension. In the United States, we see these same faces, and our reflex is to pick up our pace and cross the street. And in this reflexive gesture, the dimensions of our tragedy are laid bare. Our young men - along with our young women - are our strength and our future. Yet we fear them."

7. Virgil and Beatrice by Yann Martel: "There's nothing like the the unimaginable to make people believe."

"Creative block is no laughing matter, or only to those sodden spirits who've never even tried to make their own personal mark. It's not just a particular endeavor, a job, that is negated, it's your whole being. It's the dying of a small god within you, a part you thought might have immortality."

8. My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler: "I used to think I was a black person in a past life because I looooove black people. It's the way they express themselves that draws me to them. White people, for the most part, are too conservative with their emotions and not nearly as effusive as black people when they get excited. If you've ever watched a game show where a white person wins and then, later, a black person wins, you've seen the difference. Black people don't stop and think before they jump up and down in celebration. They are so much more spontaneous and festive, and I've always felt that without that kind of energy, what would be the point of anything."

"It was Valentines Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Kettle One. The two of us watched a romantic movie marathon on TBS Superstation that made me wonder how people who write romantic comedies sleep at night.
     At some point during every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That moment predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer."
    

9. Lit by Mary Karr: "What hurts so bad about youth isn't the actual butt whippings the world delivers. It's the stupid hopes playacting like certainties."

"Their bottomless cool - their cynical postures grown from privilege they were ungrateful for - could make me hate them. Born on third base, my daddy always said of the well off, and think they hit a home run."

"The righteous cry of married men everywhere, for it's a cliche that every woman signs up thinking her husband will change, while every husband signs up believing his wife won't: both dead wrong."

"When you've been hurt enough as a kid (maybe at any age), it's like you have a trick knee. Most of your life, you can function like an adult, but add in the right portions of sleeplessness and stress and grief, and the hurt, defeated self can bloom into place."

10. Eating the Dinosaur by Chuck Klosterman: "Sometimes writing is like talking to a stranger who's exactly like yourself in every possible way, only to realize this stranger is boring as shit. In better moments, writing is the opposite of difficult - it's as if your fingers meander arbitrarily in crosswise patterns and (suddenly) you find yourself reading something you didn't realize you already knew. Most of the time, the process falls somewhere in between."

The Final Sprint

There is a moment during ever race I run when the finish line is nearing, and I need to start sprinting to shave off any extra seconds from my previous race times. A supernatural force of energy comes over me and carries me across the finish line. All the fatigue I was feeling prior to the final sprint is irrelevant at that point. And when I check my official time to see that I did, in fact, beat my last race time, reflecting upon the effort to reach that goal makes the accomplishment all the more satisfying.

So, you may have noticed that I completely skipped an October entry. Whoops! BUT, I have an excuse! I've been busy! Since the last time I blogged, I ran 4 races, celebrated 32 years on this earth, flew to Ohio to celebrate my nephew's 9 years on this earth and continued my mentoring obligations with Friends First. October may have been busy, but it was also a very rewarding & fulfilling month.

Anyway, all the sprinting talk is relevant because I'm currently in the proverbial final sprint of accomplishing ALL of my Top Ten for 2010 goals. I still have to create a blog entry about my favorite quotes and passages from 10 books I read this year. And after that, I will recap all of my accomplishments for the year.

Additionally, I was invited for a first interview with the AUSL teaching program!!!!!!!!!! I submitted my application in September, and then, just when I was feeling over-the-top frustrated from not hearing anything, I received an email last week with a request to schedule an interview. I nearly fainted I was so happy! Because nobody at work knows about my quest to become a teacher, I immediately went to the restroom just to do a "happy dance." It was one of those rare moments in life that is so sweet you wish you could bottle it and open it any time you're feeling down. I can't imagine how I'll react WHEN I am notified of a second interview. Or even WHEN I get accepted into the program. Fingers crossed.

Finally, 2010 is turning out to be an incredibly inspiring and life-changing year for me. And I hope to continue this momentum into 2011 and beyond. Oh, and don't think that just because this year is coming to a close that my blogging days are too, because I already have big ideas for my next blog. Stay tuned.