Taking the Bullsh!t by the Horns

35 days into 2011 and I've essentially made zero progress with my only two New Year's Goals. I'm not discouraged though - mostly because I haven't exactly been proactive in reaching these goals. I know I need a plan, but, to be honest, I'm not totally sure where to begin! No more excuses though. I need to kick my own butt into gear so I can make big changes in my life. While I'm still working out the details, though, allow me to share a some stories to make you understand why I desperately need to get out of my current job situation, and why finding love hasn't exactly been an easy road to navigate for me. Wait a minute - perhaps I could kill two birds with one stone and make millions off of creating a GPS system for dating & relationships?!

The Devil Wears Prada....and Gucci and Armani
When I graduated college nearly 10 years ago, I firmly believed that I'd find a job career in Chicago that was all puppies and rainbows and roses. But, when I moved to the big city in a post-9/11 economy with no job and a bank account that was rapidly dwindling into the abyss each day I wasn't working, reality (along with a heaping spoonful of cynicism) quickly settled in. I eventually became desperate and took the first job offered to me at a law office. It was a miserable, bottom of the barrel job that paid a paltry salary, but I was beyond thankful. Until I wasn't anymore. I was lucky enough to find a different job as an office manager just over a year later, but I had no clue that I was making a deal with The Devil when I accepted the offer. Without disclosing the name of the company, I will say that I work for a brokerage firm led by a boss far more vicious and terrifying than Meryl Streep's character in The Devil Wears Prada. I only wish I had a boss who was as mild mannered as Streep's Devil.

It didn't take long before I realized my new boss was off her rocker. Screaming at her employees, screaming at people on the phone, firing people left & right, getting so mad so as to push everything off her desk like a raging lunatic - all became the norm I was forced to accept at my new workplace. I believe I caught the most hell from The Devil when I was promoted to event planner, though. I work in finance now, which allows me to be far less interactive with my boss than being an event planner, and so that is my only excuse for not leaving the company yet and being able to (barely) tolerate the madness.

One example of a ridiculous incident with my boss occurred 5 years ago when we were in the process moving to a new office. The Devil was out of town when she emailed me with instructions to go to the Loop to take photos of our new office building to be emailed to one of our sales reps for his website. There were several problems with this request, however. A.) I didn't own a digital camera at the time, B.) I wouldn't have brought my digital camera to work with me if I had owned one, and C.) It was a cloudy, rainy day with zero visibility beyond a few feet.

I remember spending an absurd amount of time contemplating exactly how I would respond to her email to avoid having her go off on me for not being able to carry out this request. When I finally did craft the perfect email, I explained to her that I didn't own a digital camera, about the weather, etc. I also attached several professional photos of the new building I was able to locate online and asked if it would be sufficient to send those. The reply? "Unacceptable. Go to the Loop and take a picture of the new office." Ooooh kaaaay, Ms. Crazy. Whatever you say! So, how did I overcome this little obstacle, you ask? Well, I could have mocked her and gone to the new office to take a barely visible pic with my camera phone. But, instead I sent the professional pics to the rep anyway but didn't cc her on the email. I simply emailed her separately later in the day telling her I sent pics to the rep. Problem eliminated, but lots of aggravation accrued.

Another incident occurred when I was planning an event in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, and I was working on scheduling a group sunset cruise. The Devil specified the time she wanted the sunset cruise to take place, but there was a problem in that her requested time slot didn't coincide with the actual setting of the sun. I explained this to her in an email (we rarely speak on the phone or in person) and gave her all the possible available options for boat departures. Not surprisingly, she shot back in all caps (her signature move) that the cruise had to happen at her specified time because the group had a dinner reservation beforehand that couldn't be changed. After an email tug-of-war, and after coming to the office on a Saturday to get the stupid cruise settled to her satisfaction, I finally gave up and scheduled the cruise for the time that the sun was actually setting. I emailed the officially scheduled time to The Devil and didn't check my email the rest of the weekend. I promptly got in trouble the following Monday for "not taking direction and not listening to instruction." Other than calling God and asking him to do me a solid and move the time of the sunset , I have no possible clue how I could have changed the outcome of that situation.

Although there are many, many stories like the ones above that involve me and my fellow coworkers, allow me to indulge myself with just one more story, please.

As the event planner, I was also occasionally requested to schedule personal trips for my boss. One of these times she wanted to take a trip to Bora Bora, and she wanted to stay in one of those fancy bungalows that are set just above the calm, aqua-colored ocean water. Using her miles, points, clout, etc., I was able to find exactly what she wanted at an amazing rate. I did it! I had successfully planned the perfect trip for my boss! But, after I sent her all of the details and was just about to reach my arm up to pat myself on the back, I received an email from The Devil in ALL CAPS AND BOLD, RED LETTERS declaring that the trip I planned couldn't possibly be correct because it wasn't expensive enough. At that, I did the only thing I could think of and sent her an outline of how I used her points, miles, etc. I even pasted a picture of the resort onto the body of the email with an arrow pointing to her exact bungalow. (By this time in my employment, I had gathered enough guts to be, if only ever so slightly, a smart ass.) I never received a reply email, which, as I learned during my early years as an employee for The Devil, meant I was correct. Success!

Although it may be possible to occasionally win battles with The Devil, I'm also quite positive the war won't be won until Hell freezes over.

Looks like this entry is getting quite lengthy, so I'll leave my dating horror stories for another day!