2012 Bucket List

"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake." - Henry David Thoreau

My mind is constantly swirling with goals, dreams, and the constant quest to learn and grow. I'm excited to begin a new year working to achieve goals, turn dreams into realities, and evolve into a better me. Also, because one of my biggest fears is boredom, and because setting so many different goals in 2010 led me down paths I never fathomed I'd cross, I'm beginning 2012 with a whole new list of goals. Some small, some big, but I'm hoping that working to achieve each of these will contribute to making 2012 one of the best years yet!

12 Goals for 2012

1. Run a half marathon. Oh boy. I had to pause several times before typing this. I've always made fun of anyone who would ever want to run for longer than an hour, but here I am, setting this ridiculous goal.


2. Go to the Green Mill at least once this year, even if it's by myself. I love jazz, and nothing is more "Chicago" to me than the Green Mill. It quickly became one of my most favorite places in the city soon after I moved to Chicago, and yet I've only been there once since moving just blocks from the place.


3. Read all of the unread books on my bookshelf.


4. Attend Sunrise Yoga on Montrose Beach at least once this summer - because not many people can roll out of bed, walk to a beach, and practice yoga while watching the sun rise over the lake. The challenge for me, you see, is getting up at 6:00am on a Saturday.


5. Beat my 5k PR and beat my 8k PR. 


6. Partake in a new volunteer opportunity. 


7. Learn to cook something really challenging. I've really developed my cooking skills since setting a goal to make 3 new recipes a few years ago. I cook for myself weekly, and I even bake mostly from scratch now. But I want to see what I can do with something that would totally take me out of my comfort zone.


8. Learn how to "stand up paddle board" - because I want a cool reason to utilize all the core strength for which I work so hard!


9. Document one positive aspect about each day. This idea came from my brother. He coaches high school golf, and when he noticed a pattern of his players getting down on themselves and being extremely negative regarding their abilities, he had them each start a journal documenting one positive thing they did each day. So, although I'm not a negative person, I'm still going to record one positive aspect daily in my planner for 365 days, and then I'll create a post at the end of the year listing them.


10. Work out more than 223 days - which is what I accomplished in 2011. I want to beat that number only because I like competing against myself!


11. Take a vacation. I don't care where or how long/short, I just want to go someplace I've never been.


12. Lastly, I'd like to be a better friend. This includes making an effort to see friends in Ohio when I'm there. Life is too short to keep letting years go by without spending time with people who have made a significant positive impact on my life. Oh and, um, if the opportunity arises, I'd like to be a pretty awesome girlfriend.

What is Love?

Love is.... playing nurse and dutifully following the doctor's instructions for tending to an infection on my nephew's (very ticklish) foot on Christmas Eve - without complaining or cringing.

I'm a very good aunt.

Also, I hope he remembers that moment when I'm 90 years old and need him to drive me to the grocery store or bingo or something.

2011 Year in Review

Over the course of my youth, I spent a lot of time my bedroom watching Style with Elsa Klensch. During the runway portions of the show, my eyes were glued to my tiny 10-inch TV. But when Ms. Klensch  interviewed designers, I'd busy myself with sketching my own couture creations on paper fastened to a clip board that I propped up on my lap with a pillow. However, I keenly recall one interview with a designer that caused me to look up from whatever masterpiece I was creating. Ms. Klensch was interviewing Donna Karan, and Ms. Karan was talking about how her positive attitude helped make her successful. I remember her discussing her penchant for always looking at the bright side of things, and she uttered something like, "If the ceiling caved in, I'd probably think, 'Well, I have always wanted a skylight.'" I've never forgotten that sentiment, and I believe her philosophy has influenced my own life.

As 2011 wraps up and I reflect back upon my year, I'm realizing that despite the grandiose goals I set last January, which I subsequently failed to achieve, I'm coming out of this year stronger and happier than ever. There were some highs, a few lows, but even the lows from this year turned out to be good things once I viewed them at a different angle.

One highlight from 2011 was discovering a passion for yoga. While I've been a faithful and consistent gym member for nearly six years, I'd always neglected yoga. But I went to a class last January and have been smitten ever since. I now try to incorporate yoga into my regimen at least once a week. Through yoga, I've learned how to stay calm and implore deep breathing in challenging situations. I've also learned to celebrate my successes and forgive my failures, which are lessons I now rely on heavily outside of the yoga studio.

On a related note, I joined a new gym a few months ago that has already proven to be one of the best decisions I've ever made. Although I loved my last gym, I was quickly sold on the fact that the new gym is less expensive and has a rooftop pool!!! But more than that, I happened to meet a wonderful personal trainer who has already challenged me beyond what I believed I could do. I've always been pretty good at pushing myself, but having someone else push me is a new experience for me that is just what I need at this point in my life. Working out is one of my favorite things to do, and the gym is one of my favorite places to be, so discovering that it is possible to enjoy it even more has definitely been a highlight of 2011.

Additionally, my passion for volunteering has grown tremendously this year! Although mentoring takes up a good chunk of my time, I still often feel that "I'm not doing enough," and am constantly compelled to do more. So, I began volunteering at House of the Good Shepherd in September, which is a domestic violence shelter for mothers and their children, and I've been helping out there several times a month because I'm so drawn to their cause. In fact, I had a holiday party last Saturday and requested that each guest bring an item to donate to HGS in lieu of bringing food for the party. My friends' generosity went above and beyond any expectations I had, and now I need to find a way to haul the loot to the facility. This is a very good problem to have. But while I really enjoy volunteering at HGS, nothing really compares to the bond I've created and nurtured with my mentee, which you can read more about in this post. By the time 2011 is officially over, I will have officially put in 167.67 volunteer hours since January. The world doesn't treat me better because I do good things, but I don't expect it to do so. I choose to volunteer because I truly believe that I have a responsibility on this planet to contribute to those in need.

A "low" that I now see as a "high" was finding out I needed to cancel my plans to go to Italy and drop $5k on a dental treatment, which I'm certain you are all sick of hearing about by now. This was devastating news when I found out, but I'm not devastated. In fact, because I was already saving for Italy, I had enough money to pay for the procedure and didn't need to use too much of my savings. Oh, and by the way, although my last post said I'd be getting my new tooth last Monday, I found out instead that I needed to wait two more weeks. But, what's two weeks after three months? I've really mastered the fine art of patience in 2011, and if patience were an Olympic event, I'd bring home gold. I did get a "permanent temporary," though, so at least no more retainer. 5 more days...deep breath...5...more...days...

Another "low" that I now see as a "high" was my computer crashing in June, right about the same time I found out about my tooth. I lost four years worth of journals and countless photos. The upside to this is that I know a guy who knows a guy who knows how to fix computers. Thankfully, I live in Chicago, where everyone "knows a guy." I paid a mere 50 bucks for Mr. Guy (I seriously don't even know his name) to totally rebuild my computer, and now it's like brand new. But while my 'puter was out of service, I basically began substituting journaling with blogging (at work, shhh). Through journaling in my blog, I've exposed my very honest thoughts and very real flaws. But I believe that being open and vulnerable in a public space has translated to my life outside of the blogosphere, as I've realized that the more open and authentic I am, the more people wonderful people I'm able to allow into my life.

Although I didn't find myself traveling down a new career path, and even though I couldn't go to Italy or haven't yet fallen in love with Mr. Right-For-Me, I still managed to have a pretty decent year. I created wonderful memories with friends and family, and isn't that the most important stuff in life anyway? Don't get me wrong - I'm still hell bent on achieving these goals. And after the tremendous amount of learning and growing I accomplished in 2011, I feel armed with the tools to take on 2012 and make it the best year yet.

All I Want For Christmas...

Is my new front tooth... my new front tooth!

And I'm getting it! On Monday! After three long months and too much money, I'm finally going to be able to flash my full, authentic grin again. No more self-consciously stifling laughs because I'm afraid people can tell I'm donning a fraudulent chopper. (If you missed my post containing details of my tooth surgery, you can view it here.)

Getting a new, permanent tooth is something I can definitely bump to the top of my list of "Things I Never Thought Would Excite Me." It's been a long three months of healing, but it hasn't been as awful as I expected. Despite wearing a retainer and feeling like an awkward middle school nerd all over again, I really didn't have to modify my life all that much.Oh, except for avoiding sandwiches. For the love of all that his holy, I cannot wait to bite into a sammich again!!

Also, I had good company during my healing process - celebrities Evan Rachel Wood and Steven Tyler both suffered from tooth mishaps within the past three months that caused them to require implants, just like yours truly. I really appreciated Steven Tyler's sense of humor about his own incident, as evidenced during his interview for the Today Show when he shouted the phrase, "You can't handle the tooth!" This, of course, sent me into a fit of giggles, as I find my own situation quite humorous.

And although I wasn't thrilled to forgo my trip to Italy to pay for my tooth surgery, I have always been self-conscious about my 'problem' tooth, which was crooked and darker than the rest of my teeth. My new smile will  be straight and pearly white. I never would have justified spending so much money to fix my grin had I not needed to fix the 'root' (haha) of the problem. Therefore, I'm thankful for the confidence I'll be gaining with my new smile.

Additionally, I can finally allow myself to date again! I chose to take myself out of the dating game during the three months of bone healing, because I just couldn't stomach having an extremely awkward conversation with a potential mate about how "I have to remove my retainer with a fake tooth attached to it in order to brush my teeth." The horrors! But, not being able to date the past three months has really given me time to sort out all of my head junk and realize that life is short, so I just need to get out there and have fun. What a concept! I've realized that I'm not looking for a husband, per se, I'm looking for someone with whom to connect. Since it's difficult enough for me to find someone with whom I'm attracted to both physically and emotionally, I should just concentrate on finding someone who embodies both, and then just let life take me from there. I believe diving back into dating with this attitude will make going on dates much more enjoyable. Going forward, I'm choosing to ignore 'must-have lists' and 'deal-breakers,' because I truly feel that when you finally find that rare, elusive chemistry with someone, you are more willing to forgive and forget those 'must-haves' and so-called, 'deal-breakers' anyway. Also, by not projecting my expectations onto every person I date, I may actually begin to appreciate my dates for the people they are, instead of focusing on who I want them to be - an attitude that could yield some unexpectedly pleasant results.

Bottom line - I'm not devastated that I had to go skip out on Italy to go through this tooth deal. It's a fact of life that curve balls are thrown at us all, and I'm finding that this whole experience is just another example of how life sometimes leads you down a wonky path, but to have faith that it always leads you in the right direction.

To Whom it May Concern

"Dear whoever you may be, I'm still waiting patiently."

I went to The Civil Wars show last Sunday, and this lyric is the last line from their song, Tho Whom It May Concern. That song is my personal anthem right now.

Which brings me to the point of this post: I'm sooooo over being single.

Despite what I may be conveying to family, friends and society or whatever, my goal is not to be a female George Clooney. Not that I can easily love and leave supermodels whenever I want, but you catch my drift, right? I do want to commit myself to a partner in crime I can trust to stick by me for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live, dammit.

Surrrrre, being single can be SUPER fun! But it's only really enjoyable when you are fairly certain that your single status is only temporary, and when most of your girlfriends are single too. But when you've been single for two looooong years, and your best girls have been paired up for the majority of the time you've been single, it's easy to get discouraged and let your faith in finding the right guy slip into an abyss of cynicism.

After being inundated with information and advice during the past two years regarding dating, relationships, and marriage, I am finally convinced that two is better than one. And sometimes I think finding the right guy for me should be much easier than the years of bad relationships and slew of bad dates (or, bouts of no dates) I've endured. I hear stories all the time of chance meetings that turn into intentional relationships. In fact, I have a Facebook friend who met her husband via an errant text message.

And yet, one can walk into any book store and find an entire section dedicated to literature (for women, by women!) about how to capture a man and sustain a relationship. So, clearly, it's not supposed to be simple, right? Or, conversely, there must be something wrong with me, right?

Although I'm a very independent and self-sufficient woman, I have to admit that for the first time since I was a hormonal and sullen teenager, I feel pathetic about being single. Ouch. It actually hurts to admit that, because I hold a lot of pride in my independence. At 33, though, I've more than proven a point to myself that I can very well stand on my own two feet. Hell, I've learned to stand on one foot and not fall over.

Also, I don't think I've ever been single for this long, and it's frustrating. It's not fun being the odd-numbered wheel and having the waitstaff awkwardly squeeze in an extra chair at the table when dining with my coupled friends. Being the only one going home alone at the end of the evening is also not fun. And maybe I could afford to join them on all the mini-vacations they take throughout the year if only I could split the cost with a significant other. The constant and glaring reminders that I'm my only one and only are utterly heartbreaking at times.

People haven't told me that I'm "too picky," but I can't help wonder if they are thinking it? Well, I'll admit, I am picky. But I don't really intend to be so obsessively selective. I just don't feel what I'm supposed to feel with many guys I meet. While some girls fall in love with whomever asks them for a date, I am the complete opposite of those girls. I'm less than enthused about most guys. I try fighting this feeling by giving guys many more chances than I should, because I hate easily dismissing people. But despite my best efforts, my instincts are usually all up in my face telling me when I'm dealing with Mr.Wrong.

I just can't get over how many Mr. Wrongs I've encountered! Despite the excellent stories that result, having been on so many bad dates is making me feel like I'm the problem. I am a terrible chooser of dates. For crying out loud, I am a terrible chooser of dates! How many more tortuous encounters must this introvert endure before I meet the guy who makes me nervous because I have butterflies and not because I want to bolt? Sometimes I wonder if it will ever happen.

I can't believe I'm going to use this particular example, but do you know how on the show, Say Yes To the Dress, the consultants warn against trying on too many dresses, for fear that the bride will become too overwhelmed and not be able to make a decision about which one she likes best, if at all? Well, what if I've "tried on too many dresses," and I'll never really be happy with any of them because I keep thinking that something better must be available out there somewhere? *Light bulb!* This could potentially be a major reason I'm still single.

I may not be able to undo my many dating disasters (and thank goodness, because it's a lot of fun to tell the headlock story). But perhaps I should be a little more open to letting dates choose me, instead of me choosing someone and projecting all of my expectations onto that person before getting to know them, which inevitably leaves me disappointed.

Suck it, Singles!

Yes, I have been single for forever, and yes, I would love nothing more than to find that special someone. But I have to admit that part of the reason I feel that way is because, despite women's best efforts for equality, there is a stigma that remains for single women in their 30's. I'm absolutely floored by the pressure to get married in our society because it's not like married people don't have their own troubles. The grass isn't always greener.

But in fact just last week I read a bunch of articles about how, despite the growing demographic, this world is just not kind to the single lady. According to one article, lonely people don't sleep as well as their coupled peers. According to another article, single women have far more trouble getting ahead financially, especially regarding saving for retirement. And did you know that, according to yet another article, a book has been written about how there is now such a thing called "singlism?" Like racism, and ageism, etc., but referring to discrimination against single women. Are you kidding me?

I feel like Sex and the City made it trendy to be single in your 30's, but that trend died right along with the progressive-thinking TV series, and everyone has returned to the usual business of applying pity stickers on single women. And, in fact, even Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte all ended up smitten by the end of the series.

My eternally wise and wonderful Aunt Denise (who understands me more than I do sometimes, and is a major source of good, honest advice) recently sent me this article from The Huffington Post:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/20/single-married-happier_n_972397.html

It's about the happiness of single women vs. married, and while the level of happiness is fairly equal, one of the main reasons single women aren't happy with their single status is because of the pity society places on them for not being paired up. I totally agree with this idea. I'm annoyed every time I have to tell someone I'm still single, mostly because of the impending judgement, and telling people through clenched teeth that "I'm single, but I'm happy," isn't very convincing.

A lot of women choose to be single though, and good for them! I support any non-traditional life choice, like a good liberal girl should. I, however, am not necessarily single by choice. I actually want to be in a relationship. But I'm having trouble finding someone.

As much as I want to be in a relationship though, I'm accepting of the fact that God, the universe, or whatever other-worldly power simply doesn't feel I'm ready to be in a solid, committed relationship right now. I just wish there wasn't so much pressure in our society to get hitched, making single gals feel like total losers until they find a guy - ANY guy - who will do them the honor. All of the wedding shows on cable networks like Bravo and TLC only contribute to the delusion that a wedding is the single most important event in one's life. I can't even help but be sucked into it sometimes. But what about the marriage? Shouldn't we doll out credit to those women who remained single for as long as they needed to in order to find someone with whom to share a successful union?

Additionally, shows like Why Am I Still Single? and Tough Love only fuel the idea that all single people are alone because something must be seriously wrong with them. These shows cause rather normal single viewers to obsessively pick themselves apart when, in fact, the "subjects" were only chosen to be on the show because they are insane (clearly). And insane people generate ratings.

With crappy TV like this constantly shoved down our optical nerves, the fact there is so much wedding obsession in our culture and simultaneously so much divorce is no coincidence. But I'd rather be single a thousand times over than be in a shitty relationship.

I am thankful that I have the ability to stand my ground, ignore the lure of the hoopla (unlike a certain Kardashian), and be patient and still enough (thank you, yoga!) to shut out the outside judgement and listen strictly to my inner voice, which would love to politely tell society, "I'M SINGLE, BUT IT'S OK! I'M WORKING ON IT, DAMMIT!"

My Multi-Colored Parachute

As I've made abundantly clear in previous posts, I do not like my job. Besides hating the actual work, the environment is severely unhealthy. I truly believe that working amidst such bad vibes over the years has crushed my spirit and stunted my confidence. Sure, I've been promoted three times within the last eight years, and I'm incredibly thankful to be employed and to earn a decent salary, but is it worth being super miserable for 40 hours a week? I have to keep repeating the phrase, "It could be worse. It could be worse." But could it also be better? I have my doubts, and those doubts are the reason I'm stuck in workplace purgatory.

I often think about what I'd rather be doing for 8 hours a day, and turns out, there is plenty I'd rather be doing.

For example, I love writing so much that time seems to quickly melt away whenever my mind is translating thoughts and ideas into words. I also really like being creative, and I'd redecorate my living space weekly if I had the time and money.

Additionally, I love working with children, and I feel most in my element and most confident when I'm helping them. This is why I allow volunteering with kids to take up a huge chunk of my free time. I also absolutely love working out, which also takes up a huge amount of my time. I love talking about fitness, I love reading about it, and I just love how it makes me feel, because I love pushing myself physically and mentally.

So, I guess if I were to combine all of my passions into one occupation, then I would design a fitness center for underprivileged children and blog about it. Is that a thing? Does it pay well? Good health benefits? Decent retirement plan? No? Nothing like that?

Realistically, I'd be happy doing anything that had to do with any one of my passions. Hell, I'd be happy just being my own boss.

Unfortunately, I wasn't fully self aware during college (who is?!), so I majored in communications without a clear idea about where I wanted that major to lead me. I thought advertising might be super cool, but when I moved to Chicago and met people in advertising working at least 12 - 14 hour days, I realized that I could never care enough about any hot new product to let it suck up so much of my life. But, I would spend 24 hours a day doing any of my aforementioned "passions."

I feel as though my generation got the short end of the stick. Because the economy has been a wreck ever since we graduated ten years ago, we've been forced to set aside the idea of  "following our dreams," and instead "follow what is most practical." And to me, what is most practical is a salary that allows me to live and thrive on my own, health insurance, and vacation days.

I have been looking for other jobs. The search has been quite discouraging so far, however, as a lot of what sounds good either pays a lot less than what I make, or is completely outside of the realm of my qualifications. And unfortunately, as a single woman with nothing to fall back on, I can't justify taking a risk, taking a pay cut, or going back to school when I'm still paying for the first round.

Additionally, the poor economy has made me gun shy, as I'm afraid I'll start work at a new place only to fear being laid off at any moment. In fact, I don't really know a "normal" when my job wasn't dangling over my head. So, staying put and hanging on to all those accumulated vacation days until I find something I know will be secure and rewarding makes the most sense to me.

Despite the roadblocks and my concerns though, I really do believe that something better is out there. It has to be. I'm not giving up. But until I find a new job, my current one will remain the means for me to live my otherwise full life.