B!tch Slapped

Holy effing crap. After desperately wondering why I am having so much trouble finding a date and wondering why I have so much trouble with my relationships, I finally got my answer in the form of a proverbial slap in the face via my future self. Well, sort of...

 Someone - a DUDE! - posted the following article on Facebook yesterday, and it shook me to my core. Guilty! GUILTY as charged! Click on the article to see what I mean:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html

I've been guilty of each and every one of the 6 reasons listed in this article at some point in my life. My last relationship was sooooo all about #'s 2 and 4. And I can closely relate to #'s 1, 5 and 6 rightthisveryminute.

For example, regarding #1, I didn't think I was "angry" until I read this article. I need to admit that I am, in fact, angry. For many reasons. I'm angry because I'm so miserable with my job and I don't know how to change my situation. I'm angry that I didn't choose a different career path in life. I'm angry that I didn't have more guidance as a young adult. Blah, blah, blah. Wah, wah, wah. No guy wants to be with someone who is cranky and miserable for over 40 hours per week. I wouldn't.

Additionally, regarding #5, I was really, truly, actually thinking about my thighs seconds prior to reading this article. And I was dwelling about how maybe I should become a personal trainer at the gym, and how it would be a lot easier to get certified and take the pay cut if only I were married. ........Really?! Who am I?! My brain is totally programmed to think only about myself at all times and I can't even imagine what it's like not to do so. I, I, I. Me, me, me. Enough, already!

Which brings me to #6. I've been having this recurring dream lately that I'm walking in a crowd or hanging out with my friends and I'm so much shorter than everyone else. It doesn't take a genius to figure out the deeper meaning of this dream. Ever since the dark ages of middle school, I've felt that I don't measure up. It's as if the awkward and confused 13 year old girl inside me never fully recovered from getting teased in 7th grade. Instead, her lack of confidence remains a roadblock to my success and makes me feel like I don't deserve love. It's actually pretty ironic that I'm currently a mentor responsible for building the confidence and self-esteem of a 12 year old girl when I'm such a fraud! However, if I can somehow help her build a solid foundation of self worth that will successfully propel her through middle school and beyond, then I'll agree to finally consider myself successful.

Also, contrary to the article, which assures me that "I'm enough right this minute," I've always felt that I needed to have all of my personal problems solved in order to feel worthy of finding love. I suppose that's impossible, though, right? I think I need to tape that affirmation to my bathroom mirror.

I should already know this, though. At 32, why don't I already know this? My friends know this. In fact, my best girlfriends in Chicago are the most confident women I know. I admire their confidence so much and aspire to one day be as comfortable in my skin as they are in their own, even if it seems impossible at the moment.

Seeing this article really was as if my future self showed up in the present to stage an intervention by slapping me in the Facebook and yelling at me to snap out of it, a la Cher in Moonstruck. It's like she wants to save me before it's "too late" or something. Well, I asked for an eye-opener, and I got it. I have a lot to work on, but at least now I know where to begin.

Finally, every single person has flaws, and I'm not without a great deal of them. But, as long as we acknowledge that they exist, we can then begin to fix them and move forward. And if you aren't aware of what is preventing you from moving forward, don't fret. I'm sure your future self will eventually meet you in the present to slap yo ass into shape!