The Big Bang Theory

When I was home during Thanksgiving last year, I decided to root through some old photos in an effort to find any cool, vintage-looking ones to frame. Incidentally, during my quest I came across a photo of myself that was both hilarious and horrifying. It was taken at the orthodontist's office when I was 10 years old. I was wearing "head gear," which was an awful metal brace that attached to cemented bands on my molars, and also wrapped around the circumference of my head. Despite the barbed wire around my face, though, my goofy smile drew attention to the giant gap between my two front teeth, which resulted from another orthodontic contraption called a "palate expander," which wasn't unlike a mid-evil torture device, as it literally worked to break the bone between my two front teeth in an effort to widen my mouth. Also, in the background of the picture there was a poster of a HUGE smiley face with braces, and big letters that read, "Braces are Beautiful!"  Upon discovering the priceless relic, I showed it to my Mom and said, "Braces are beautiful... unless you're Steph... and you look like THIS." She immediately gasped and exclaimed, "What's wrong with your hair?!" Never mind my hair, I thought. What about my busted grill?!

But, my Mom did bring up a good point. I was sporting those hideous giant bangs that were sooooo cool in the 80's and early 90's. And it made me wonder, why did that hairstyle ever seem attractive? How did manipulating a small tuft of hair located on the top of your forehead to create the look of ocean waves ever seem like a good idea? And why was bigger always better?

I also remember that once you committed to big bangs, there was no turning back. For example, one day in sixth grade, at the "height" of the big bang obsession, I decided to be rebellious (or maybe I just felt lazy) and chose not to curl, tease, and shellac my bangs for school. As a result, so many people came up to me that day and asked if I was "okay," because my hair wasn't "done." I realized that my bangs must have looked so pitiful and depressed compared to the regular "party" vibe they normally projected.

And even though my Mom was horrified by my hair in the pic from the orthodontist's office, she, too, was guilty of sporting some awesomely huge hair around the same time as well. In fact, I realize now that my Mom's multi-layered permed hair wasn't so different from a mullet, except instead of being "business in front, and party in the back," it was, "party in the front, AND party in the back." Ooooh yeah! And doesn't the word "party" come to mind when thinking of the 80's anyway? Big-ass bangs paired perfectly with neon colors, acid-washed jeans, and splatter paint t-shirts!

Sporting huge hair didn't always mean that life was a "party," however. For instance, adopting such a time-consuming hairstyle that was constantly challenged to defy gravity did not make for smooth mornings in our household. The progression of pure rage would occur any time that one little section of hair wouldn't cooperate, no matter how much Salon Selectives Super Hold Hair Spray was used to glue it all together. Those high maintenance hairdos always carried the risk for "bad hair days," and many times you were sure that your life was ruined because the bouquet on the top of your head wasn't quite perfect. In fact, I can remember being in my bedroom while my Mom was monopolizing the bathroom and hearing combs and curling irons being slammed down onto the sink out of frustration, which alerted everyone in the house to the fact that Mom is at war with her bangs! My temper wasn't exactly kept in check regarding my own bang  battles either, though. I even remember bursting into tears a few times, feeling defeated by own army of styling tools.

Thankfully, the Big Bang trend eventually came crashing down - not unlike the ocean waves they resembled. Hairstyles from different decades may go in and out of style all the time, but let's all cross our fingers and hope that the trend of big bangs never returns. Of course, if "mom jeans" are making a comeback, then I guess anything is possible. The horrors!

The below pic is from 5th grade, when I was obsessed with DJ Tanner's hair from the TV show, Full House. Despite the cruciferous vegetable growing from my head, this is my favorite school picture ever.

This pic was taken Christmas morning. Even a hat can't cramp by bang style... or mash them down.

This is me holding my cousin, Brittany, who just graduated college this year, incidentally. She was lucky enough to have missed the whole big bang trend.

To Excel is to Exceed Expecations

"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing." - Ron Swanson from the TV show Parks and Recreation

***

There is a six-mile running trail located within one of the many parks near my parent's house in Ohio that I try to run every time I visit them. Much of the trail is encased in a cathedral of trees, and the most prominent sounds come from the gushing river, or the critters that make their home within nature's bounty. The path is tranquil, calming, and beautiful. It's a place on earth where I feel closest to God and my truest self. Also, it's one hell of a hilly challenge.

The running path may be six miles long, but the first time my Dad drove me to the starting point a couple years ago, I told him I was only going to run the first three miles, and requested that he pick me up in about a half hour. My Dad asked me if I was certain that I would only run three miles, and after a slight pause, I assured him that thirty minutes was all the time I needed.

Something changed while I was running, though. Not only was the run both extremely challenging and exhilarating, but I couldn't imagine giving up once I hit the three mile mark. Suddenly, I was hell bent on running the whole six miles, and it felt amazing to push myself and break through the limitations that only I had set for myself.

Upon completing the six miles, I fully expected my Dad to be pissed at me for making him wait in the parking area for an extra half hour. Instead, I saw my Dad's jeep pulling into the parking lot only as I was crossing the "finish line." I immediately asked him why he wasn't already there when I had told him that I'd only need a half hour. He replied with, "I know how you are. I saw the look in your eyes before you got out of the car, and I knew you'd run the whole thing."

***

I've noticed a common reaction to telling people -not including my friends & family- that I'm going into personal fitness training. People react, for example, by asking me if personal training will be a "side job" for me, or a way to make "extra" money. My swift and adamant reply is, "NO!"

I realize that people who don't know me all that well are simply surprised by someone making such a dramatic career change, but the question gets me riled up anyway, because I would not be pouring my whole self into working toward this new career if I didn't feel that I wholeheartedly wanted to make it a top priority in my life.

Yes, I'm fully aware that there will be struggles, especially at first, but how am I supposed to work through those struggles if I'm not focused on dedicating most of my time to overcoming the hurdles? And I couldn't do that if I remained stuck in an office 40 hours a week and chose to do personal training "on the side."

Although I loathe my current occupation, pursuing this career change does not mean that I'm simply pursuing a "means to an end." In fact, I feel incredibly blessed to have found a way to turn my passion into my profession. But I also know that by doing so, a lot of time and hard work is required to excel, and to exceed the expectations of myself and others.

I will never plan to run only three of the six miles on that trail in Ohio ever again, and I will never plan to "half-ass" any major goal I set for myself.

Checking In on Being Checked Out

So, as a follow up to my last post regarding my job situation, yesterday I was called into my supervisor's office yet again. Only I was told this time that they will, in fact, still require my services once the company is sold to the new firm. And get this - I was upset about it.

Holy crap - how fucking much does one have to hate their job in order to be upset upon finding out there won't be any layoffs after all?!

I feel like such a brat for feeling this way. The fact that there are a gazillion Americans who'd love to have a job - any job - is not lost on me.

But I can fully admit that ever since I got word to start looking for another job, it's been really challenging to focus on spreadsheets. I mentally checked myself out as soon as I got the news of my pending layoff, because simply learning that there was light at the end of the tunnel made me want to run - no, sprint - toward the exit.

Oh, wait. Who am I kidding? I have to be honest - I am no more checked out at this point than I have been for yeeeeeaaaarrrs!! In fact, I've been restless for so long that it's far more challenging for me to think about the last time I was actually motivated to stare at spreadsheets.

But it did feel good for a while to feel less guilty for blogging during work hours, taking two hour lunch breaks, or, taking two lunch breaks.

Wait, who am I kidding?! I've never really felt too guilty about that before either!

I know this must sound terrible and like I have a horrible work ethic, but as a veteran office drone, sometimes I just need to push the envelope and shake things up to remind myself that I'm human and I actually have a pulse. I need to always be mindful of the fact that life is not as black and white or as symmetrical as the grids upon which I manipulate data.

Yes, of course I'm eternally grateful for the paycheck I receive every two weeks, and I continue to consistently perform my work tasks in an organized and timely manner, but it's miserable work, and I work for miserable people, and I'm beyond ready to finally say, "Peace out, bitches!!!"

Patience. Patience. Patience. Patience.

The good thing about this whole situation is that I'm still fully committed to getting my personal training certification, and now I'll just be making money until I can quit my horrible job on my own terms.

In the meantime, I'm maintaining an "attitude of gratitude," but this pic expertly describes my attitude in the office regardless of whether it's a Monday or a Friday...

The Challenge to Change

Even though Glinda was supposedly the "good witch" in The Wizard of Oz, I always thought she was a real A-hole for not telling Dorothy that she'd had the power to get herself back to Kansas all along. Instead, Glinda's lips remained zipped as she watched Dorothy face obstacles while following the occasionally unforgiving yellow brick road.

And even though Glinda eventually explained to Dorothy that she never would have believed it if she were told right away that she'd had the power to get back to Auntie Em and Uncle Henry, I never understood why she had to face an evil witch, flying monkeys, etc. during her journey to the Emerald City.

That is, I never understood until I reflected upon my own path down my own occasionally unforgiving yellow brick road. I truly believe that facing my own versions of evil witches and flying monkeys over the years has helped steer me in the right direction, and has kept me on the path I was intended to follow all along.

As you may have noticed, I've sprinkled hints throughout my last few blog posts regarding a big life change in the works. Well, it's true! I'm getting out of my terrible, horrible, miserable job in Corporate America to pursue my personal training certification. Promoting health and fitness is my number one priority and passion, so why not also make it my livelihood? As my Dad says, "When you love your job, then you never have to go to work." I like that philosophy. A lot.

And although I've found myself wondering, "Why didn't I do this sooner?," I believe that every experience up to this point - good and bad - has led me exactly to where I needed to be in order to ultimately make this new career decision. Approximately zero of my friends were shocked when I revealed my new plan, because they've felt that this is what I should have been doing all along. But, like Dorothy, I needed to figure it out on my own.

Incidentally, during my perpetual quest for "somewhere over the rainbow," I've realized that an office on the 30th floor of a skyscraper may seem glamorous, but it's no place like home (or, the gym, in my case). By finally listening to my instincts, I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never be happy in an office setting. I've also recognized that I've been ignoring my gut for years because I simply couldn't imagine a world outside the realm of paid health insurance and a traditional 8am - 5pm work day. But by surrendering previous perceptions, and choosing to be open to more possibilities, I've allowed my nagging gut to have its say, making my head finally realize what my heart already knew.

However, although getting certified is not as expensive as obtaining another degree, it's pricey enough to where I had to fully contemplate the commitment to invest myself. And prior to ordering my personal training study materials, my mind was spewing forth doubts and what ifs. But because I've taken for granted the security of my current occupation for too long, it wasn't until that security was compromised that I was ultimately propelled to take the plunge.

It just so happened, that a few weeks ago, at the peak of indecisive thoughts chaotically swirling around in my brain like a Kansas-style twister, I was called into my supervisor's office to learn (well, to confirm my suspicions) that my company is in the process of being sold, and that I should probably start looking for another job. Okay, then. If a green light was what I was waiting for, then I certainly got it in that moment. In fact, it wasn't unlike years of casually expressing the desire to skydive, and then suddenly being pushed out of a plane.

But who knows how long I would have remained comfortable and hesitated to make a change had life not pushed me out of a proverbial plane at that moment? Also, while I should probably be much more stressed out about my situation, I've actually never been happier. I'm discovering that perhaps "uncertainty" doesn't have to be feared. That maybe uncertainty can feel liberating sometimes. In fact, I no longer feel "stuck," or "trapped," which is how I've described feeling for so long. Of course, I'm nervous, excited, overwhelmed, and experiencing all of those other emotions associated with change, but I'm ready for it. And I doubt I'd feel so ready had the frustrations and low points of my past not worked to strengthen me, thus making me less fearful of pursuing change and overcoming challenges.

I'm fully aware that there is no guarantee I'll be successful in my new venture, but the very definition of faith is "believing without seeing," and isn't a tremendous amount of faith required when pursuing any dream? No matter what, I know in my heart of hearts that this is what I have to do. What I want to do. What I will do.

Finally, like Dorothy, the biggest lesson I've learned from following the yellow brick road thus far is that, "If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."

Motivated Procrastinator

I purchased new workout clothes last night to avoid doing laundry for one... more... day.

Lazy, but not lazy. Y'know?

I'd rather call off from my job due to nothing to wear than skip a workout just because all of my sports bras are in the hamper.

Speaking of my job, I'm in desperate need of new clothes for work. It dawned on me this morning that I've owned the black pants I'm wearing now for SEVEN years! In fact, the button only just fell off a few minutes ago - oddly, after I started typing this post.

But I always find that I would much rather purchase new clothes for the gym instead. So, I do.

And yet, I truly believe my priorities are in order.

I dream of a life where yoga pants replace work slacks. And I think I can make that dream a reality...

Grabbing the Bull by the Balls

I can't help but wonder how much further along I'd be in life had I adopted the philosophy to "grab the bull by the balls" sooner. My girlfriends and I were discussing this idea in a somewhat literal sense a couple weekends ago (hee hee), but I think it applies to getting what I want out of life too!

Anyway, I'm desperate to make a change, and I'm tired of using the excuse that "it's not the right time." But if not now, then when? I ain't gettin' any younger. But I am still young, and there hasn't been better time to overhaul my life than right now.

For years I've been standing on the sidelines watching others get what I want. Well, it's time to get what I want too, no matter what I have to do to get it, dammit.

I'm tired of hating my soul-sucking job. I'm even more tired of complaining about it. I'm tired of not having the time and money to travel. I'm tired of being disappointed by love. Basically, I'm tired of not living the life I had imagined.

Instead of being well-traveled, having a fulfilling job, a great boyfriend, and thoroughly living the exciting big-city life I had envisioned growing up, I feel as though my life has slowly plateaued since I risked moving from a small town to a big city a decade ago. A  decade ago. It's time to take a giant leap forward again, don't you think? I'm well overdue.

So what's holding me back? Moving to Chicago from Cuyahoga Falls was terrifying because I had no job, no place to live, barely any money, and I barely knew anyone. But when I reflect upon that time in my life, I don't think about the perpetual nausea I felt from being constantly worried that I wouldn't "make it." Instead, I remember how excited I was that I was experiencing great change and working toward making my dream come true. I may have been terribly naive, but I was also extremely open, ready, and willing to embrace any challenge I faced. Refusing the option to "give up" was the secret to my success. I desperately need to channel the risk-taker in myself again. I know she's in there. Somewhere.

I did attempt a risk by trying the whole career overhaul thing in the recent past, but I stupidly let that one failure knock me down without ever making an attempt to get back up, brush myself off, and move on to the next option. And I know I saved money for plans to travel to Italy last year, but was slapped with a $5k dentist bill instead. And the love thing? Well, unfortunately, that's not totally in my control, but I do tend to unnecessarily shut down following each disappointment.

However, I know that I need to change my attitude in order to change my life. For instance, nobody is telling me that I have to sit behind a desk crunching numbers all day, so why the f#$% am I doing it? Also, it's not like Italy is going anywhere, so why not take comfort in that fact? And instead of declaring Spinsterhood, why not choose instead to keep my heart open with the hope that I'll eventually find myself in a flurry of reciprocated feelings with someone?

Change is very scary, but I'm far more terrified of one day regretting the risks I didn't take. I've let failure and disappointment control my life for way too long.

Don't get me wrong, though, I have made a ton of progress in the last decade, and I'm still so in love with Chicago and the people I've met since moving here. I've discovered and fostered many passions while living here too, making me a better and more well-rounded person. I may loathe my job and the company I work for, but I have been promoted several times in the eight years I've been with them. In fact, doubling my salary since I started my job has allowed me to pay off credit cards and become very fiscally responsible. And although I haven't been to Europe yet, I am thankful for the amazing travel experiences I have had in the past decade. I'm also thankful for the lessons I've learned from each failed relationship, despite having to learn from the same mistakes several times.

I've learned so much and have grown tremendously since being that naive newcomer with big city dreams ten years ago, but it's time to take all that work I put into myself and convert it into action for reaching some new, beyond-my-wildest-dreams goals. I've built a very sturdy foundation, and it's time to build something wonderful upon it. I have the energy & motivation, but I just need a plan. Actually, by finally allowing myself to listen to my heart, I've happily discovered that I already have one.

And while I'm very lucky that I am strong enough to be able to find the good in every situation, I am more than ready to find the GREAT in me.

The Light Inside the Tunnel

Reason #456,897 why I love my city:

This trio is my favorite of the "regular" subway performers I see every week. They usually sing old school songs like "Mamma Said" and "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" with impeccable harmony and unique arrangements, but they busted out their own special rendition of "The Wheels on the Bus" for this little guy, who was smiling and dancing the whole time. Witnessing this moment just made me so happy. I didn't even care that I had to let two overcrowded trains come and go by before I could get on one.

I love that Chicago has the ability to ignite joy within an otherwise ordinary, unremarkable, average Tuesday.