It has been a long time since I updated this blog. Too long. My new career has taken over my life during the past few months, but I finally feel like life is settling down enough for me to take the time to sort out my thoughts - as they do still find at least a little time to swirl around in this noggin of mine. So let's play catch up, shall we?
So much has happened since I last wrote. I suffered a running injury only a few days after I posted my last entry that has prevented me from training as intensely as I wrote about in my last post. It has been a learning experience, it has made me more compassionate toward my clients dealing with injuries, but most of all it has been a pain in the ass. I had to totally skip out on race season, including the Hot Chocolate 15k, which was my main goal for the 8 plus months of training leading up to it. But I vow to come back faster and stronger than ever before. I'm now also far more in tune and aware of my body and its' limitations, which can only serve as an advantage in the future.
.
Additionally, my personal training career has also taken off quicker and more successfully than I ever could have imagined. It's exhausting, but I love it. I'm challenged every single day. I'm rewarded every single day. It's exactly what I was meant to do!
I have also moved within the last two months. And I moved in with roommates! Fiercely independent and introverted, I'm the last person who ever thought I'd live with roommates again, but I'm really enjoying it. Living alone for so long was wearing on me and making me feel so lonely and empty. And now I'm living with two other people who are not only incredible friends, but who also share my passion for health and fitness. The energy in our house is positively wonderful, and it's comforting to feel like part of a "family," regardless of how unconventional. One of my roommates is Fabian, the trainer that helped guide me to change my life and that I've mentioned in so many other posts. I never dreamed that when I met him a year ago, that we'd end up sharing the same address only one year later! Life is so weird. My other roommate, Jane, became an instant friend when I met her. She is also a client of Fabian's, and she has also quit her job to become a trainer.
My life is truly unconventional. At 34 years of age, maybe I'm doing things a little backwards, or maybe I'm a late bloomer, but I wouldn't change a thing. I'm happy. It took a whole lot of shaking things up and getting uncomfortable to get where I am, but I'm eternally grateful for finding the courage and strength to change my life.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Boarding the Crazy Train
Okay so I've thought of approximately one million clever post titles involving the word, "train." This time, however, I'm not writing about my experience as a personal trainer, but rather about my experience with my own intense training program. I've come a long way since this post about my initial sessions with my trainer, Fabian, and I'm excited (if not just a little terrified) to see where I'm heading.
During the months since my last post about my training, I've been making my way through various phases of a strength program in order to be developed into the best athlete I can be. Each phase is more difficult than the last, and each causes me to reevaluate my sanity. The latest and most intense phase will be kicking my running action into high gear so that I will ultimately be prepared for the Hot Chocolate 15k race here in Chicago in November. The program consists of a 90 minute torso strength workout, a 90 minute lower body strength workout, and a 60 minute arm strength workout. As if that doesn't sound crazy enough, I also have to incorporate various prescribed running workouts 6 days a week. And I'm hell bent on squeezing yoga in there too. It's a good thing I work in a gym, eh?
I'm not sure how I'm going to pull this off, but I'm determined to do so. I've been warned that this level of training is going to "fuck with my head," so I need to prepare for the mental abuse. In fact, Fabian has also prescribed reading materials to help me through the mental hurdles.
As I've gradually begun to take this type of training more seriously, I've had to give up things that I love, and begin incorporating things that I don't love so much. For example, I've (mostly) given up alcohol. Because alcohol takes precedence over other nutrients in the body while being digested, it's best if I avoid it while my muscles recover from these workouts. I've also given up coffee, which nearly brings me to tears as I type this. Even though I work out a ton, I've been having trouble sleeping for a long time. Apparently, caffeine gets in the way of the recovery of my nervous system after an intense workout. Although it was a hard habit to break, I'm not nearly as tired as I thought I'd be during the day, and I'm sleeping soooo much better. Also, I used to eat meat (only prepared at a restaurant) once or twice a week. Now, despite my grimaces due to being grossed out from squishy raw flesh, I've morphed into a serious carnivore and am preparing meat for every meal in order to obtain the various amino acids to aid in my muscle repair and development.
That's another thing - I have to eat soooo much! And just when I think I'm eating enough, I'm told to eat more. Eating like an Olympian is time consuming and expensive. I'm hungry in under two hour intervals, and it's as if my metabolism is an infant that will start throwing a fit if I'm not readily prepared with a bottle to tame it. You must be confused as to how this is a problem. But keeping up with my warp speed metabolic rate is really exhausting, y'all! And it's not like I'm eating pizza and ice cream any time I want. It's ALL healthy grub. (Nutella straight out of the jar is considered healthy, right?)
Fabian is also super hard on me, and while my first instinct is to get defensive (a hard habit to break, I'm finding), I have to remember that he's only trying to drill things into my head, and so I need to shut up and listen. And while it drives me absolutely fucking crazy when he gives me 900 million instructions only to follow up by saying yelling "Don't think about it!," I know he's just trying to get me out of my head, which is my biggest problem in all areas of my life. I'm slowly learning not to take his strict coaching personally, but it's difficult. But I know he believes in me. And I also know that his belief in me doesn't mean squat unless I believe in myself.
And speaking of squat, I have the nastiest bruises on my thighs from using my hip power to lift nearly 75% of my body weight! Ouch! I generated zero sympathy when I brought this to Fabian's attention, so I'm also learning to shut up and silently deal with the war wounds.
So by now you must think I'm nuts. I mean, I sort of do. I feel as if I'm training for the Olympics yet there is no pot of gold medals at the end of this rainbow. So why the fuck am I doing this? Why would I give up some of my favorite simple pleasures, stuff my face with food I don't entirely enjoy, and voluntarily allow myself to get screamed at just to become a better runner?
Well, for me it's not just about becoming a "better runner." It's about working to become a better version of myself every day. It's about consistently moving forward instead of being stuck in the same place. And vowing to be better today than I was yesterday requires an intense amount of discipline.
Fabian says that coaching me through this type of training is an experiment for him. But it's an experiment for me too, dammit. For most of my life I have let fear, doubt, and the self-manifested negative perceptions of myself control my life. Yes, I recently made a career change, which was incredibly brave, and for which I'm truly proud, but the only way I'll be successful with my new career is if I learn to believe in myself, face my fears, and rise to challenges every day. Additionally, the only way I'll ever finally find myself in a successful relationship is if I can be mentally strong enough to demand respect and fully believe that I deserve it.
What I'm hoping to get out of this training (in addition to a sick race time!) is the ability to push through barriers without thinking twice. I think this training can get me there. It may break me down, but I'll get stronger as I repair and rebuild - not unlike the physical characteristics of our muscles becoming stronger.
"If you're facing your fears, then you're pointed in the right direction" - heard on a Nike commercial during the Olympics
During the months since my last post about my training, I've been making my way through various phases of a strength program in order to be developed into the best athlete I can be. Each phase is more difficult than the last, and each causes me to reevaluate my sanity. The latest and most intense phase will be kicking my running action into high gear so that I will ultimately be prepared for the Hot Chocolate 15k race here in Chicago in November. The program consists of a 90 minute torso strength workout, a 90 minute lower body strength workout, and a 60 minute arm strength workout. As if that doesn't sound crazy enough, I also have to incorporate various prescribed running workouts 6 days a week. And I'm hell bent on squeezing yoga in there too. It's a good thing I work in a gym, eh?
I'm not sure how I'm going to pull this off, but I'm determined to do so. I've been warned that this level of training is going to "fuck with my head," so I need to prepare for the mental abuse. In fact, Fabian has also prescribed reading materials to help me through the mental hurdles.
As I've gradually begun to take this type of training more seriously, I've had to give up things that I love, and begin incorporating things that I don't love so much. For example, I've (mostly) given up alcohol. Because alcohol takes precedence over other nutrients in the body while being digested, it's best if I avoid it while my muscles recover from these workouts. I've also given up coffee, which nearly brings me to tears as I type this. Even though I work out a ton, I've been having trouble sleeping for a long time. Apparently, caffeine gets in the way of the recovery of my nervous system after an intense workout. Although it was a hard habit to break, I'm not nearly as tired as I thought I'd be during the day, and I'm sleeping soooo much better. Also, I used to eat meat (only prepared at a restaurant) once or twice a week. Now, despite my grimaces due to being grossed out from squishy raw flesh, I've morphed into a serious carnivore and am preparing meat for every meal in order to obtain the various amino acids to aid in my muscle repair and development.
That's another thing - I have to eat soooo much! And just when I think I'm eating enough, I'm told to eat more. Eating like an Olympian is time consuming and expensive. I'm hungry in under two hour intervals, and it's as if my metabolism is an infant that will start throwing a fit if I'm not readily prepared with a bottle to tame it. You must be confused as to how this is a problem. But keeping up with my warp speed metabolic rate is really exhausting, y'all! And it's not like I'm eating pizza and ice cream any time I want. It's ALL healthy grub. (Nutella straight out of the jar is considered healthy, right?)
Fabian is also super hard on me, and while my first instinct is to get defensive (a hard habit to break, I'm finding), I have to remember that he's only trying to drill things into my head, and so I need to shut up and listen. And while it drives me absolutely fucking crazy when he gives me 900 million instructions only to follow up by
And speaking of squat, I have the nastiest bruises on my thighs from using my hip power to lift nearly 75% of my body weight! Ouch! I generated zero sympathy when I brought this to Fabian's attention, so I'm also learning to shut up and silently deal with the war wounds.
So by now you must think I'm nuts. I mean, I sort of do. I feel as if I'm training for the Olympics yet there is no pot of gold medals at the end of this rainbow. So why the fuck am I doing this? Why would I give up some of my favorite simple pleasures, stuff my face with food I don't entirely enjoy, and voluntarily allow myself to get screamed at just to become a better runner?
Well, for me it's not just about becoming a "better runner." It's about working to become a better version of myself every day. It's about consistently moving forward instead of being stuck in the same place. And vowing to be better today than I was yesterday requires an intense amount of discipline.
Fabian says that coaching me through this type of training is an experiment for him. But it's an experiment for me too, dammit. For most of my life I have let fear, doubt, and the self-manifested negative perceptions of myself control my life. Yes, I recently made a career change, which was incredibly brave, and for which I'm truly proud, but the only way I'll be successful with my new career is if I learn to believe in myself, face my fears, and rise to challenges every day. Additionally, the only way I'll ever finally find myself in a successful relationship is if I can be mentally strong enough to demand respect and fully believe that I deserve it.
What I'm hoping to get out of this training (in addition to a sick race time!) is the ability to push through barriers without thinking twice. I think this training can get me there. It may break me down, but I'll get stronger as I repair and rebuild - not unlike the physical characteristics of our muscles becoming stronger.
"If you're facing your fears, then you're pointed in the right direction" - heard on a Nike commercial during the Olympics
Sunday, August 26, 2012
The TRAINsition
(Ha ha, get it? Trainsition?)
Anyway...
My blog! My poor, neglected blog! How I've missed you!
Turns out, life changes are all-consuming and leave time for little else. However, after officially putting in three full weeks at the gym, I was finally able to make time for myself, friends, and now my blog this weekend. Not that I don't have a million things left on my To Do list. But, today I gave my body permission to decompress, even though my brain still hasn't fully been able to do so since I started my new gig.
Speaking of which, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE BEING A PERSONAL TRAINER!! I'm so passionate about helping members and tailoring programs specific to their needs. Fortunately, the act of training has come very natural to me, and I can't get enough of it. Making people sweat and challenging them to perform tasks they previously thought they weren't capable of is extremely rewarding. And the eye rolls I get during a training session only serve as confirmation that I'm doing my job correctly. Currently, I have two "regular" clients, which is amazing so early in the game, but I'm hoping to gain more clients through the consultations and prospecting sessions I've been performing.
I went into my new gig willing to expect the unexpected, and I've definitely had to deal with situations I never dreamed possible from working at a gym. For example, I check my work email obsessively. I never would have done this at my previous job. In fact, my brain seemed to block out any thoughts of my previous job when I wasn't there, but now I can't shut my brain off when I'm not at the gym and find myself dreaming of exercise program design every night. The communicating, scheduling, and organization is also very overwhelming to me and I find myself performing "administrative duties" even when I'm at home - another job aspect that I'd refuse to do for my previous employer. But, I'm extremely passionate about my new career, so I don't mind all the extra work in addition to training people. In fact, a teacher I had a consultation with last week told me she could see how passionate I am about my job.
Additionally, the people I've met so far are amazing! Whereas I felt so isolated in my last job, constantly hiding in my cube and flying under the radar if I knew what was good for me, now I'm encouraged to make friends with members, clients, and coworkers. And after nine years of isolation, I've re-learned that people are fascinating! I've met a pianist, a federal investigator, a children's therapist, a singer/actress, just to name a few. And my coworkers are incredible! I laugh so much on a daily basis, but besides the goofing off, they have all been so supportive and helpful.
It's not all rainbows and puppies, though. I'm still dealing with uncertainty regarding my career change, especially regarding my income, but so far, I regret nothing and am enjoying every second. Not to say that things have been easy! The first week was especially tough as I was desperately trying to become acclimated to a completely different lifestyle than I was used to. I was a ball of emotions - both good and bad - and found myself crying multiple times a day. Incidentally, the last week of the Olympics coincided with my first week at the gym, and every inspirational story about an athlete or even an inspirational commercial spun me into a flurry of uncontrollable tears. In fact, I think it was the Nike slogan, "If you're facing your fears, then you're heading in the right direction" that really made me lose my mind.
But, despite the uncertainty and dramatic lifestyle change, I wake up every day and choose to think positively, push through the challenges, and trust that everything will work out just fine. I choose to believe that I will be extremely successful. And because of this thought process, every single day gets better.
Anyway...
My blog! My poor, neglected blog! How I've missed you!
Turns out, life changes are all-consuming and leave time for little else. However, after officially putting in three full weeks at the gym, I was finally able to make time for myself, friends, and now my blog this weekend. Not that I don't have a million things left on my To Do list. But, today I gave my body permission to decompress, even though my brain still hasn't fully been able to do so since I started my new gig.
Speaking of which, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE BEING A PERSONAL TRAINER!! I'm so passionate about helping members and tailoring programs specific to their needs. Fortunately, the act of training has come very natural to me, and I can't get enough of it. Making people sweat and challenging them to perform tasks they previously thought they weren't capable of is extremely rewarding. And the eye rolls I get during a training session only serve as confirmation that I'm doing my job correctly. Currently, I have two "regular" clients, which is amazing so early in the game, but I'm hoping to gain more clients through the consultations and prospecting sessions I've been performing.
I went into my new gig willing to expect the unexpected, and I've definitely had to deal with situations I never dreamed possible from working at a gym. For example, I check my work email obsessively. I never would have done this at my previous job. In fact, my brain seemed to block out any thoughts of my previous job when I wasn't there, but now I can't shut my brain off when I'm not at the gym and find myself dreaming of exercise program design every night. The communicating, scheduling, and organization is also very overwhelming to me and I find myself performing "administrative duties" even when I'm at home - another job aspect that I'd refuse to do for my previous employer. But, I'm extremely passionate about my new career, so I don't mind all the extra work in addition to training people. In fact, a teacher I had a consultation with last week told me she could see how passionate I am about my job.
Additionally, the people I've met so far are amazing! Whereas I felt so isolated in my last job, constantly hiding in my cube and flying under the radar if I knew what was good for me, now I'm encouraged to make friends with members, clients, and coworkers. And after nine years of isolation, I've re-learned that people are fascinating! I've met a pianist, a federal investigator, a children's therapist, a singer/actress, just to name a few. And my coworkers are incredible! I laugh so much on a daily basis, but besides the goofing off, they have all been so supportive and helpful.
It's not all rainbows and puppies, though. I'm still dealing with uncertainty regarding my career change, especially regarding my income, but so far, I regret nothing and am enjoying every second. Not to say that things have been easy! The first week was especially tough as I was desperately trying to become acclimated to a completely different lifestyle than I was used to. I was a ball of emotions - both good and bad - and found myself crying multiple times a day. Incidentally, the last week of the Olympics coincided with my first week at the gym, and every inspirational story about an athlete or even an inspirational commercial spun me into a flurry of uncontrollable tears. In fact, I think it was the Nike slogan, "If you're facing your fears, then you're heading in the right direction" that really made me lose my mind.
But, despite the uncertainty and dramatic lifestyle change, I wake up every day and choose to think positively, push through the challenges, and trust that everything will work out just fine. I choose to believe that I will be extremely successful. And because of this thought process, every single day gets better.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Good Bye, Cubeville! Hello, Dream Job!
It has dawned on me that I will never again have a "case of the Mondays." Actually, I have developed a chronic "case of the Weekdays" during my 8.5 years at my desk job. But thanks to relentless hard work and the sufficient push from my incredible trainer/coach/friend, Fabian, I'm officially cured of this debilitating disease, as I have found a new job as a personal trainer!
On one hand I can't believe it's real, and on the other hand this feels like the most natural next step in my life. I've been preparing for this for so long, and I've never been so motivated or driven about anything. I don't just want to make a living as a personal trainer. I want to live my life constantly striving to be the absolute best personal trainer I can possibly be.
I never would've dreamed that switching to a new gym last August would lead me to such a dramatic change in my life - and I certainly never imagined that it would eventually become my new place of employment! But I did know early on that my new gym was different and special in some way. I have always felt so warmly welcomed there, and for the last year it has been a place where I have looked forward to spending my precious time. As an employee, I vow to represent my gym in the most flattering light possible, and I vow to help each person I talk to feel just as warmly welcomed as I always have as a member.
Additionally, because Fabian challenges me outside of the gym as well as inside, he assigned me the task of creating my own Mission Statement that would express my purpose and include the core values I will utilize to excel as a personal trainer.
On one hand I can't believe it's real, and on the other hand this feels like the most natural next step in my life. I've been preparing for this for so long, and I've never been so motivated or driven about anything. I don't just want to make a living as a personal trainer. I want to live my life constantly striving to be the absolute best personal trainer I can possibly be.
I never would've dreamed that switching to a new gym last August would lead me to such a dramatic change in my life - and I certainly never imagined that it would eventually become my new place of employment! But I did know early on that my new gym was different and special in some way. I have always felt so warmly welcomed there, and for the last year it has been a place where I have looked forward to spending my precious time. As an employee, I vow to represent my gym in the most flattering light possible, and I vow to help each person I talk to feel just as warmly welcomed as I always have as a member.
Additionally, because Fabian challenges me outside of the gym as well as inside, he assigned me the task of creating my own Mission Statement that would express my purpose and include the core values I will utilize to excel as a personal trainer.
Mission Statement
Passion cannot be cultivated without purpose, and one cannot passionately promote that purpose without faith. Discovering the willingness within ourselves to uncover and explore our potential by challenging our beliefs and perceptions can lead us to capabilities beyond our wildest dreams. Challenge equals change, and change moves us forward, allowing us to enjoy rich, authentic lives.
While maintaining integrity, leadership, compassion, and the perpetual willingness to learn and grow, I aim to be an invaluable resource for my clients. By committing to a dedicated and personalized approach to assisting each individual with articulating their goals, I will motivate my clients to unlock their potential and lead them to take action. I will challenge each person to make a commitment to change, and I will help them adhere to that commitment by making the work enjoyable, and by providing uncompromising service & support.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
The Hot and Cold Game
For the last several years, so much of my brain space has been occupied with finding my purpose in life. And despite running into so many road blocks along the way, always trusting that there is a reason for everything that happens has helped guide me throughout my journey.
Over the years I've been constantly asking myself the following questions: What is my highest truth? Where is my highest good? How to I express my greatest love? In my attempts to find these answers, I've often felt like I've been playing the "hot and cold" game with God. It's as if every time I've had a thought or have made a move regarding my future, God has been telling me "lukewarm, cold, colder, FREEZING." Or, "warm, warmer, hot, hotter, BURNING!"
For instance, two years ago when I decided I wanted to channel my empathetic nature into a new career, God led me down a path far enough for me to confirm my suspicions that helping people is most certainly what I love to do. You're getting warm... warmer. In my pursuit to become a teacher a few years ago, I realized just how hard I'm capable of working, and how dedicated and committed I am to my goals. Hot, hotter! But then God halted me in my tracks just before I was about to become a teacher. Cold... FREEZING! Despite the disappointment of working so hard only to eventually fail, I chose to be thankful for the lessons I learned during the process, and to trust that I would be steered in a new direction.
And, in fact, becoming a mentor two years ago made me realize that working one on one with someone is much more up my alley than working with many people at the same time, which would have made me miserable as a teacher. Lukewarm... warm. I've had time in the last two years to come to terms with the fact that I'm an introvert, and therefore I don't do well under pressure, and that I'm better when I'm the one in control and mapping out what is going to happen next. Warmer... And I realized, with regards to pursuing a new career, how much I'm not willing to sacrifice regarding the things that matter most to me in life: family, friends, and fitness. Getting warmer... hot!
After so much contemplation and fostering the courage to squelch my fears, I decided to act on my civil liberty to pursue happiness by pursuing a career that would represent my biggest passion - fitness. Hotter... And after passing my personal training exam this past weekend, I know that personal training is what I'm meant to do. That fitness is my purpose. Hot!... BURNING!
God gave me a gift, and although it took me a while to unwrap, I'm eternally grateful for it and I can't wait to get in the gym and share it with my clients.
Over the years I've been constantly asking myself the following questions: What is my highest truth? Where is my highest good? How to I express my greatest love? In my attempts to find these answers, I've often felt like I've been playing the "hot and cold" game with God. It's as if every time I've had a thought or have made a move regarding my future, God has been telling me "lukewarm, cold, colder, FREEZING." Or, "warm, warmer, hot, hotter, BURNING!"
For instance, two years ago when I decided I wanted to channel my empathetic nature into a new career, God led me down a path far enough for me to confirm my suspicions that helping people is most certainly what I love to do. You're getting warm... warmer. In my pursuit to become a teacher a few years ago, I realized just how hard I'm capable of working, and how dedicated and committed I am to my goals. Hot, hotter! But then God halted me in my tracks just before I was about to become a teacher. Cold... FREEZING! Despite the disappointment of working so hard only to eventually fail, I chose to be thankful for the lessons I learned during the process, and to trust that I would be steered in a new direction.
And, in fact, becoming a mentor two years ago made me realize that working one on one with someone is much more up my alley than working with many people at the same time, which would have made me miserable as a teacher. Lukewarm... warm. I've had time in the last two years to come to terms with the fact that I'm an introvert, and therefore I don't do well under pressure, and that I'm better when I'm the one in control and mapping out what is going to happen next. Warmer... And I realized, with regards to pursuing a new career, how much I'm not willing to sacrifice regarding the things that matter most to me in life: family, friends, and fitness. Getting warmer... hot!
After so much contemplation and fostering the courage to squelch my fears, I decided to act on my civil liberty to pursue happiness by pursuing a career that would represent my biggest passion - fitness. Hotter... And after passing my personal training exam this past weekend, I know that personal training is what I'm meant to do. That fitness is my purpose. Hot!... BURNING!
God gave me a gift, and although it took me a while to unwrap, I'm eternally grateful for it and I can't wait to get in the gym and share it with my clients.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Pattern Overload
My personal training text book defines the term "pattern overload" as: 1. Repetitive physical activity that moves through the same patterns of motion, placing the same stresses on the body over time. 2. Consistently repeating the same pattern of motion, which may place abnormal stresses on the body.
This term came to my mind recently as I was thinking about my love life. I have a very distinct pattern when it comes to dating, and although I'm well aware of it, I can't seem to break it. For instance, it's quite obvious to me that I tend to hopelessly chase guys who like me well enough, but who are emotionally unavailable, or who are just simply unable to commit to a relationship at the moment... or, with me. I let them keep me safely at arms length and never question how/why/what they are feeling, and I don't dare divulge my own feelings for fear of stirring the pot and screwing things up. I end up sticking around for too long hoping that something will click and change for the better, but it never does. I consistently lie to myself and think that something is there when it's not, and then I'm crushed any time the truth emerges.
After each crushing blow I'm left asking myself the same questions over and over again: What did I do wrong? What could I have done to make it work? What could I have done to make him like me more? Was I too guarded? Was I not assertive enough with my feelings?
Shit like this makes me feel like I'm eons away from being in the "right relationship." Will I ever get it right?
I haven't written about my dating life lately, but that doesn't mean it has been inactive. In fact, I was kinda, sorta, maybe, somewhat, vaguely involved with someone during the past 6 months or so. He's an exceptionally amazing and wonderful person whom I consider a friend, first and foremost, so during the points over the last 6 months when I didn't think we were anything more than friends, I was okay with that (mostly). But there were many times when I was led to believe it was maybe more, and that was all exciting and good - until the next round of mixed signals confused my already overly ruminating mind. But of course I never dared to ask, "What the hell is going on with us?" for fear of not hearing what I wanted to hear, even though I wasn't hearing anything I wanted to hear in the first place. Ignorance is bliss...er, at least it's momentarily satisfying.
When it comes to love and dating for me, hope outshines reality, and hope is what I normally choose to latch onto. I guess this is the caveat to being an optimistic person.
I may not have been getting exactly what I wanted from him, but it's my fault for expecting more than he could give, and it's my fault for lying to myself for so long when deep down I knew that he couldn't.
But because I've been single for so long, receiving the "good night" texts during the past six months were simply satisfying enough to pleasantly remind me that, at the end of the day, I'm not alone in this world.
According to my personal training textbook, a good flexibility/balance/strength program can correct the cumulative injury cycle caused by the pattern overload that places abnormal stresses on the body. And as my dating pattern overload is placing abnormal stresses on my heart, it's time I finally prescribe a flexibility/balance/strength program to correct it.
"Just cause you feel it, doesn't mean it's there." - lyric from There There by Radiohead
This term came to my mind recently as I was thinking about my love life. I have a very distinct pattern when it comes to dating, and although I'm well aware of it, I can't seem to break it. For instance, it's quite obvious to me that I tend to hopelessly chase guys who like me well enough, but who are emotionally unavailable, or who are just simply unable to commit to a relationship at the moment... or, with me. I let them keep me safely at arms length and never question how/why/what they are feeling, and I don't dare divulge my own feelings for fear of stirring the pot and screwing things up. I end up sticking around for too long hoping that something will click and change for the better, but it never does. I consistently lie to myself and think that something is there when it's not, and then I'm crushed any time the truth emerges.
After each crushing blow I'm left asking myself the same questions over and over again: What did I do wrong? What could I have done to make it work? What could I have done to make him like me more? Was I too guarded? Was I not assertive enough with my feelings?
Shit like this makes me feel like I'm eons away from being in the "right relationship." Will I ever get it right?
I haven't written about my dating life lately, but that doesn't mean it has been inactive. In fact, I was kinda, sorta, maybe, somewhat, vaguely involved with someone during the past 6 months or so. He's an exceptionally amazing and wonderful person whom I consider a friend, first and foremost, so during the points over the last 6 months when I didn't think we were anything more than friends, I was okay with that (mostly). But there were many times when I was led to believe it was maybe more, and that was all exciting and good - until the next round of mixed signals confused my already overly ruminating mind. But of course I never dared to ask, "What the hell is going on with us?" for fear of not hearing what I wanted to hear, even though I wasn't hearing anything I wanted to hear in the first place. Ignorance is bliss...er, at least it's momentarily satisfying.
When it comes to love and dating for me, hope outshines reality, and hope is what I normally choose to latch onto. I guess this is the caveat to being an optimistic person.
I may not have been getting exactly what I wanted from him, but it's my fault for expecting more than he could give, and it's my fault for lying to myself for so long when deep down I knew that he couldn't.
But because I've been single for so long, receiving the "good night" texts during the past six months were simply satisfying enough to pleasantly remind me that, at the end of the day, I'm not alone in this world.
According to my personal training textbook, a good flexibility/balance/strength program can correct the cumulative injury cycle caused by the pattern overload that places abnormal stresses on the body. And as my dating pattern overload is placing abnormal stresses on my heart, it's time I finally prescribe a flexibility/balance/strength program to correct it.
"Just cause you feel it, doesn't mean it's there." - lyric from There There by Radiohead
Monday, June 25, 2012
The Grit and The Glamour
Do you ever tend to view your home differently when you're preparing for company? I mean, do you ever try to view your space through someone else's eyes and ask yourself how they would see things differently? What would they notice that you wouldn't normally make a conscious effort to see? Should you change something? Do you find that your space is a true reflection of who you are, and then do you appreciate it more?
Like my home, I have a tendency to view my city differently each and every time I witness one of those double decker bus tours, or trolley tours, or walking tours taking place. I kind of snicker at all the craned necks and constant camera flashes, even though I'm still totally guilty of doing the same thing after living here for ten years. But I always wonder what those tourists think about what they are seeing. Are they shocked by how many people are walking around at any given time of day? Are they surprised by how many races and languages they encounter? Are they simply in awe of the massive concrete jungle? Do they honestly think the "bean" in Millennium Park is one of the coolest things they've ever seen?
I often reflect upon the fact that the tourists left their homes in Wherever, USA to visit the city in which I am lucky enough and grateful to live. I may not have been born and raised here, but I'm filled to the brim with Chicago pride.
The city can be harsh, and it isn't always kind, but I have found that kindness emerges from the most unexpected places. The city certainly isn't for the faint of heart (or the extreme right-winged republican, for that matter), but it IS most certainly for me. I embrace the grit just as much as the glamour, and, like kindness, I often find that beauty emerges from the most unexpected places.
Below is a verrrry small representation of the way Chicago is viewed through my own eyes:
Like my home, I have a tendency to view my city differently each and every time I witness one of those double decker bus tours, or trolley tours, or walking tours taking place. I kind of snicker at all the craned necks and constant camera flashes, even though I'm still totally guilty of doing the same thing after living here for ten years. But I always wonder what those tourists think about what they are seeing. Are they shocked by how many people are walking around at any given time of day? Are they surprised by how many races and languages they encounter? Are they simply in awe of the massive concrete jungle? Do they honestly think the "bean" in Millennium Park is one of the coolest things they've ever seen?
I often reflect upon the fact that the tourists left their homes in Wherever, USA to visit the city in which I am lucky enough and grateful to live. I may not have been born and raised here, but I'm filled to the brim with Chicago pride.
The city can be harsh, and it isn't always kind, but I have found that kindness emerges from the most unexpected places. The city certainly isn't for the faint of heart (or the extreme right-winged republican, for that matter), but it IS most certainly for me. I embrace the grit just as much as the glamour, and, like kindness, I often find that beauty emerges from the most unexpected places.
Below is a verrrry small representation of the way Chicago is viewed through my own eyes:
 |
| Tulips on State Street - always an official sign of spring. |
 |
| Lake Michigan rocks |
 |
| Good ol' Wrigley Field scoreboard |
 |
| I love my diverse neighborhood, and I love that I can get frutas con lima, sal, y pimiento en la playa. |
 |
| View from my office. |
 |
| Waiting for the train |
 |
| The Magnificent Mile Festival of Lights Parade |
 |
| State Street around Christmas time |
 |
| Ice skating in Millennium Park |
 |
| Beautiful February day |
 |
| My favorite alley |
 |
| More Lake Michigan rocks near my apartment |
 |
| Shamrock Shuffle in Grant Park |
 |
| I wander the city A LOT, and sometimes, I just stumble upon the inexplicable! |
 |
| View from the Sears - ok, "Willis"- Tower |
 |
| Cinco de Mayo Festival in the Little Village neighborhood |
 |
| Osterman Beach in the Edgewater neighborhood |
 |
| Garden path in Millennium Park |
 |
| Heavy Metal in Millennium Park |
 |
| Walking to the train from the gym in the West Loop. |
 |
| That shiny silver sliver in the middle is my office building. |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)