I've been an admitted anti-bride for the majority of my adult life, so you can imagine my surprise when the marriage between the Duke of Cambridge and the Duchess of Cambridge today conjured up an emotional turmoil within me. Other than marriages of close friends and family members, weddings generally make me cringe. Such an unnecessary spectacle, I normally think. So what is it about the Kate and P-Wills nuptials that cracked my cynical facade? Well, I have an idea...
When I was a little girl, I was obsessed with all things girlie, sparkly, sequin-y and princess-y. And when I was flower girl in an aunt's wedding, I discovered that weddings were beautiful fairy tales that came to life. In fact, ever since I saw Princess Diana walk down the aisle trailed by a seemingly infinite cascade of satin and taffeta, I declared that my life's purpose was to have a televised wedding where I would show off a train longer than Lady Di's, and sleeves even puffier than hers. I became so obsessed with weddings that I would spend hours drawing dresses on any blank piece of paper I could find. I would plan extravagant weddings for my Barbie dolls. When most kids were spending their allowance money on toys or candy, I was spending mine on bridal magazines. A family friend even sewed a wedding dress that would fit my elementary-sized body, which I wore until I wore it out.
I wasn't just obsessed with weddings, though. I was obsessed with the idea of love. Finding that amazing one person to spend my life with was just as important to me as my ideas of grandeur regarding weddings. I wanted to marry the original karate kid, Ralph Macchio, and I was certain that one day I would.
Additionally, my mother let me watch soap operas at an age that was probably much too young to be doing so, but I was hooked on them and believed all of the love stories (i.e. Luke & Laura, Bo & Hope) is what I had to look forward to as an adult. Love and marriage was the most important aspect of life to me, and I didn't believe (because I couldn't fathom) that an adulthood without them even existed.
However, my ideas of all things lovey-dovey and pretty princess faded as I became an adult, of course. With maturity and experience under my belt, reality sets in and I eventually learned that there are no guarantees in life, including finding love and getting married. But most poignantly, I learned what it meant to have a broken heart, and I was forever changed. Difficulty letting my guard down and exposing my vulnerability, for example, has been the biggest challenge for me with relationships since my first devastating heart break. Just as I feel that love is the best feeling in the world, I believe a broken heart is the worst. Who it was, how he did it or why he did it no longer matters, but just knowing how it feels to have a broken heart has caused me to construct a thick barrier around myself and keep one foot out the door of every relationship ever since. I've been so afraid of risking the possibility of feeling "hurt" again that I've nearly completely forgotten about the "joy" of love.
Despite being so discouraged for so long, I don't regret having experienced a broken heart or my failed relationships. I honestly think that each one was a valuable learning experience and I believe I have been somewhat shaped by each one. Yes, the one thing I looked forward to as a child about becoming an adult has perpetually disappointed me, and for too long I let myself get too caught up on what went wrong in my relationships rather than thinking about what needs to go right in future relationships, but I feel I've worked hard on changing my tune within the last year or so. And I know at times I seem to have more questions than answers about love and relationships, but today I feel (at least, I hope) that I finally have the right tools to allow myself to be vulnerable again and the strength to handle the risks of falling in love.
I guess today's royal wedding affected me so much because it reminded me of Princess Diana and the feelings I used to harbor when I was a little girl. Being reminded of those feelings made me sad that that little girl - a dreamer, a lover of love and convinced the world was full of only good things to give - is no longer within me. Or is she? Perhaps she has just been stored in the attic of my brain for too much time. But because of today's royal wedding, I've been provoked to visit that attic and dust off those old feelings of hope.
I know that life could never be a fairy tale, but I consider re-discovering my capacity to love and abandoning my fears of a broken heart a dream come true.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
My Inner Edna Pontellier
Being single for as long as I have has really given me time to think, analyze, compare and contrast the dynamics of being single and being coupled. It's strange, but on one hand I'm antsy, lonely, frustrated and fruitlessly attracted to more types of people than ever. But on the other hand, I'm growing ever more comfortable with my single status and even find myself asking, "Why do I feel the need to be on a constant quest for a significant other when I am perfectly happy alone?"
Society really puts the pressure on us single folks to get paired up. Without referring to any real statistics, I'm going to guess that most people my age are married or in a serious relationship, and majority has the most influence on the amount of pressure singletons endure. But what are the reasons for all the pressure? Do single people make coupled people uncomfortable? Is that why there is so much pressure within our culture to find a damn man already? I feel so sorry for celebs like Jennifer Aniston and Renee Zellweger. NOT because they are perpetually single, but because their single status is constantly scrutinized. And I bet the scrutiny drives them insane because they aren't even unhappy. It drives ME insane! Even with volumes of progress made from the feminist movement, our culture continues to make us feel like our lives are insufficient and incomplete unless we are in a relationship.
That said, I do consider myself open to finding love and would love more than anything to find that perfect match, but I just don't think that I should be made to feel bad about myself because I'm single and enjoy it. Could I really be happier, though? I mean, I have been in love before. And while I do think it's the greatest feeling in the world, I've still managed to survive and become a better, happier person even though that relationship ended. In fact, is being so independent and happy on my own preventing me from sustaining a successful relationship as well as the reason I've been single for the majority of my adult life? Or, could it be that even though I'm fully capable of falling in love, it's the tools for maintaining the working parts of a relationship that I lack?
Instead of moping around and analyzing the reasons as to why I'm not paired up, maybe I should just relax and let nature, fate, destiny or whatever take it's course. But if I just relax and let things happen, then I'm perceived as having "given up." Just as well, being assertive, finding dates and analyzing what is going right and wrong can be perceived as being "desperate." The world of dating is a damned double-edged sword, and all this analyzing is so overwhelming that it makes me want to give up.
Additionally (and not necessarily related to the aforementioned), an observation I've made during my single stretch is that it's quite easy to find someone to lust after, and it's also quite easy to find someone who has all of the capabilities and characteristics of building a fully functional partnership. The trick is finding both crucial aspects within the same person. According to all the books, magazines and conversations with friends and family, this alleged human being is supposed to exist, yet that person is as elusive as Bigfoot to me.
The protagonist, Edna Pontellier, from my favorite book The Awakening by Kate Chopin experienced this very dilemma. For example, Edna had lukewarm feelings for her less-than-dynamic husband, yet he was nice enough and obligingly fulfilled his husband-ly duties. The young lad who induced Edna's "awakening," however, made her feel beautiful and sensual and provoked a renewed spirit within her. That young lad was quite flaky, though, and he ended up disappointing poor Edna.
I consider this book my favorite because it taught me that marriage and family are options - not obligations (a taboo sentiment during the Victorian times when this novel takes place) but I never thought that when I read it ten years ago that my life would virtually parallel Edna's. Edna found a solution to her dilemma, though. And while her solution was far from desirable, she told society to "suck it" in her own darkly beautiful and poetic way. I don't think society is worth meeting the same unfortunate demise as Edna, but I would very much like to do her justice and find exactly what she wanted, but never found.
Society really puts the pressure on us single folks to get paired up. Without referring to any real statistics, I'm going to guess that most people my age are married or in a serious relationship, and majority has the most influence on the amount of pressure singletons endure. But what are the reasons for all the pressure? Do single people make coupled people uncomfortable? Is that why there is so much pressure within our culture to find a damn man already? I feel so sorry for celebs like Jennifer Aniston and Renee Zellweger. NOT because they are perpetually single, but because their single status is constantly scrutinized. And I bet the scrutiny drives them insane because they aren't even unhappy. It drives ME insane! Even with volumes of progress made from the feminist movement, our culture continues to make us feel like our lives are insufficient and incomplete unless we are in a relationship.
That said, I do consider myself open to finding love and would love more than anything to find that perfect match, but I just don't think that I should be made to feel bad about myself because I'm single and enjoy it. Could I really be happier, though? I mean, I have been in love before. And while I do think it's the greatest feeling in the world, I've still managed to survive and become a better, happier person even though that relationship ended. In fact, is being so independent and happy on my own preventing me from sustaining a successful relationship as well as the reason I've been single for the majority of my adult life? Or, could it be that even though I'm fully capable of falling in love, it's the tools for maintaining the working parts of a relationship that I lack?
Instead of moping around and analyzing the reasons as to why I'm not paired up, maybe I should just relax and let nature, fate, destiny or whatever take it's course. But if I just relax and let things happen, then I'm perceived as having "given up." Just as well, being assertive, finding dates and analyzing what is going right and wrong can be perceived as being "desperate." The world of dating is a damned double-edged sword, and all this analyzing is so overwhelming that it makes me want to give up.
Additionally (and not necessarily related to the aforementioned), an observation I've made during my single stretch is that it's quite easy to find someone to lust after, and it's also quite easy to find someone who has all of the capabilities and characteristics of building a fully functional partnership. The trick is finding both crucial aspects within the same person. According to all the books, magazines and conversations with friends and family, this alleged human being is supposed to exist, yet that person is as elusive as Bigfoot to me.
The protagonist, Edna Pontellier, from my favorite book The Awakening by Kate Chopin experienced this very dilemma. For example, Edna had lukewarm feelings for her less-than-dynamic husband, yet he was nice enough and obligingly fulfilled his husband-ly duties. The young lad who induced Edna's "awakening," however, made her feel beautiful and sensual and provoked a renewed spirit within her. That young lad was quite flaky, though, and he ended up disappointing poor Edna.
I consider this book my favorite because it taught me that marriage and family are options - not obligations (a taboo sentiment during the Victorian times when this novel takes place) but I never thought that when I read it ten years ago that my life would virtually parallel Edna's. Edna found a solution to her dilemma, though. And while her solution was far from desirable, she told society to "suck it" in her own darkly beautiful and poetic way. I don't think society is worth meeting the same unfortunate demise as Edna, but I would very much like to do her justice and find exactly what she wanted, but never found.
2011 Goals: 1st Quarter Recap
At the beginning of 2011, I set some big goals to be completed within 365 days. And now that we've officially completed the first quarter of the year, here are some updates on my progress:
Goal #1 - Find a New Job
So I haven't found a new job yet this year, but I haven't been looking either. Instead, I've more or less been working on making peace with my current occupation. You see, I've noticed that having a better attitude and focusing on all the perks that come along with my job has made my 40 hours a week spent in Cube-ville much more tolerable.
Speaking of cubes, mine isn't too shabby. I'm on the 30th floor and I sit next to a floor-to-ceiling window that allows me one of the best views in Chicago. So many people I know don't even have windows in their office. One of the reasons I moved to Chicago in the first place was to be in the thick of tall buildings and magnificent architecture. My view from my desk reminds me every day that I made my dream come true.
Another example of how I'm coming to terms with my job is appreciating the amount of vacation days I have earned over the past 7.5 years. The most important thing to me about work is my time away from it, and my job allows me plenty of time to spend with family & friends and to indulge my interests. Also, no one bats an eye if I show up a little late a few times a week or if I spend an hour and a half at the gym during my lunch break. Moreover, the flexibility I have does not go unappreciated.
I've also realized that annoyances are a part of any job. Well, annoyances are part of any life experience, really. I can't naively believe that another workplace wouldn't contain its own set of irritants. Unfortunately, there is no work place utopia, so it's advantageous just to make the best out of the situation you're in. I may not be actively looking for a new job, but I am keeping an open mind should something new, different and exciting come my way. For now, though, I'm grateful for my employment, my health insurance, my gym membership, etc...
As a final note, I've always beat myself up about how I didn't go to school for something art-related. But how do I know that I wouldn't have ended up in this exact same job if I had gone to art school - or if I had majored in any other major? There are no guarantees in life, and somehow you accidentally, inadvertently, randomly end up exactly where you are. And perhaps that place is exactly where you belong for right now.
Goal #2 - Find a Boyfriend
Ummm, to say that my progress has been minimal in the love department so far this year would be an understatement. While I have managed to get myself out on one date, that date was less than remarkable. At least I got my feet wet again after going date-less for so long, eh? Anyway, I met Mr. Date through eHarmony (I reluctantly subscribed back in February as simply just another way of "putting myself out there"). He seemed nearly too good to be true on paper, so I was anxious to see if there were any sparks in person.
We had a lot of fun and laughed a lot on our date, but I didn't feel any chemistry. He also had a couple strikes against him from the start too:
1.) He doesn't drink, and I don't trust people who don't drink. I like to drink and I don't think it is too presumptuous to view that type of conflict as having the potential for major relationship roadblocks.
2.) He is a little guy! I like to think I have an open mind and that I'd certainly date someone shorter than me, but I felt like this dude's bodyguard. Especially because I walked him to his car before catching a cab when the date was over. He even thanked me for making sure he got to his car safely. I'm a fairly small person, but this dude made me feel like a "whole lotta woman," and when it was all said and done, I just didn't think he'd be able to handle this big lady.
Keep in mind, however, I wasn't exactly perfect on this date either. After evaluating how it went, I decided that I talk too much. Even after I knew things wouldn't go anywhere with us, I continued to attempt to impress him by blabbing on and on and on. Next time I'll know to reign in it and create a little mystery. ...That is, IF there is a next time. Wah wah!
Goal #2 - Plan a Trip to Italy
So the last time I wrote about Italy, I was still in the "gathering information" process. Well, I have gathered tons of info, so much so that I'm dealing with information overload, which promptly brings me to the "sorting through the information" process.
In addition, I have pretty much nailed down dates of my trip. I just have to make sure that flight prices, train schedules and hotel availability are all in agreement. I have plenty of time before I take my trip to hammer out details, and I'm as giddy about it as ever!
Goal #1 - Find a New Job
So I haven't found a new job yet this year, but I haven't been looking either. Instead, I've more or less been working on making peace with my current occupation. You see, I've noticed that having a better attitude and focusing on all the perks that come along with my job has made my 40 hours a week spent in Cube-ville much more tolerable.
Speaking of cubes, mine isn't too shabby. I'm on the 30th floor and I sit next to a floor-to-ceiling window that allows me one of the best views in Chicago. So many people I know don't even have windows in their office. One of the reasons I moved to Chicago in the first place was to be in the thick of tall buildings and magnificent architecture. My view from my desk reminds me every day that I made my dream come true.
Another example of how I'm coming to terms with my job is appreciating the amount of vacation days I have earned over the past 7.5 years. The most important thing to me about work is my time away from it, and my job allows me plenty of time to spend with family & friends and to indulge my interests. Also, no one bats an eye if I show up a little late a few times a week or if I spend an hour and a half at the gym during my lunch break. Moreover, the flexibility I have does not go unappreciated.
I've also realized that annoyances are a part of any job. Well, annoyances are part of any life experience, really. I can't naively believe that another workplace wouldn't contain its own set of irritants. Unfortunately, there is no work place utopia, so it's advantageous just to make the best out of the situation you're in. I may not be actively looking for a new job, but I am keeping an open mind should something new, different and exciting come my way. For now, though, I'm grateful for my employment, my health insurance, my gym membership, etc...
As a final note, I've always beat myself up about how I didn't go to school for something art-related. But how do I know that I wouldn't have ended up in this exact same job if I had gone to art school - or if I had majored in any other major? There are no guarantees in life, and somehow you accidentally, inadvertently, randomly end up exactly where you are. And perhaps that place is exactly where you belong for right now.
Goal #2 - Find a Boyfriend
Ummm, to say that my progress has been minimal in the love department so far this year would be an understatement. While I have managed to get myself out on one date, that date was less than remarkable. At least I got my feet wet again after going date-less for so long, eh? Anyway, I met Mr. Date through eHarmony (I reluctantly subscribed back in February as simply just another way of "putting myself out there"). He seemed nearly too good to be true on paper, so I was anxious to see if there were any sparks in person.
We had a lot of fun and laughed a lot on our date, but I didn't feel any chemistry. He also had a couple strikes against him from the start too:
1.) He doesn't drink, and I don't trust people who don't drink. I like to drink and I don't think it is too presumptuous to view that type of conflict as having the potential for major relationship roadblocks.
2.) He is a little guy! I like to think I have an open mind and that I'd certainly date someone shorter than me, but I felt like this dude's bodyguard. Especially because I walked him to his car before catching a cab when the date was over. He even thanked me for making sure he got to his car safely. I'm a fairly small person, but this dude made me feel like a "whole lotta woman," and when it was all said and done, I just didn't think he'd be able to handle this big lady.
Keep in mind, however, I wasn't exactly perfect on this date either. After evaluating how it went, I decided that I talk too much. Even after I knew things wouldn't go anywhere with us, I continued to attempt to impress him by blabbing on and on and on. Next time I'll know to reign in it and create a little mystery. ...That is, IF there is a next time. Wah wah!
Goal #2 - Plan a Trip to Italy
So the last time I wrote about Italy, I was still in the "gathering information" process. Well, I have gathered tons of info, so much so that I'm dealing with information overload, which promptly brings me to the "sorting through the information" process.
In addition, I have pretty much nailed down dates of my trip. I just have to make sure that flight prices, train schedules and hotel availability are all in agreement. I have plenty of time before I take my trip to hammer out details, and I'm as giddy about it as ever!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Eat, Pray, Eat Some More...
It's no secret that I was quite devastated when I learned that I didn't get accepted into the competitive teaching graduate program I applied to last fall. I had put so much time and effort into something that had only a 9% chance of working out, yet, the rejection blind-sided me. But as I mentioned before in previous posts, the process itself taught me so much about myself that I have zero regrets. For example, I learned how much I am willing to sacrifice for something that means a lot to me. I learned how hard I'm capable of working toward a goal. And most importantly, I learned to appreciate the process of reaching a goal so much that I now perceive the outcome -good or bad- as simply part of the process. I also truly believe everything I learned will lead me to bigger and better things in life, regardless of whether or not those things have anything to do with a career change. And, in hindsight, I feel that the rejection from the teaching program was actually a blessing.
Having said all that, I've been inspired to take on a new challenge. Although I set only two goals for 2011, it was never set in stone that I'd limit myself to just two, so I'm throwing in a third. This new challenge warms my heart just to think about it. Unlike the risk of applying to the teaching program despite the huge possibility of rejection, this new major challenge will -with certainty- come to fruition, as I'm the sole person in charge of making it happen. No one can tell me "no" as I pursue this challenge. In other words, not a single person can get in the way of my biggest dream.
What the hell am I talking about, you ask? I'm going to take a solo trip to Italy next fall. In the same way that another woman's womb calls her to bear children, my heart longs to see the world, instead. I've imagined myself traveling the world -especially Europe- for so long that I can't even recall my earliest memories of learning that other parts of the world exist, and then deciding I want to see them. And while I have been to some amazing places, the lack of time and adequate finances have kept me from experiencing all that I would have liked to by now. There is nothing stopping me now, though!
After telling my friend, Megan, about my idea for this trip, she was incredibly encouraging. She took a solo trip to Australia and New Zealand two years ago and claimed that it changed her, which, I'm finding, is not an uncommon sentiment. In fact, I'm discovering that there are so many books, movies and websites dedicated to the solo female traveler. Additionally, Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Eat, Pray, Love and the subsequent movie with the same title aren't huge successes because she wasn't dramatically affected by her travel experiences. Therefore, I want to be changed. I want to grow! And I cannot think of a better way to do so than by traveling solo.
So, why Italy? Of all the countries and cities in Europe I'm desperate to see, Italy has always been at the top of my list. But, why? Well, this girl likes to eat. And drink. And Italian food happens to be my favorite. The decision was a no-brainer, really. When first thoughts of this trip began ruminating, I thought I might start in Rome and then travel to Paris and England, but because there are so many cities I want to see in Italy, I'm planning to visit only Italy and seeing 3 to 4 cities while I'm there. Tentatively, I'd like to see Rome, Naples, Florence and Venice. I'm only currently in the "gathering information" part of the process, but the more I learn, the more excited and happy this independent spirit becomes.
I'm looking at seven months ahead of me until the trip - a time frame that would make most people quite antsy. But as for me, I am looking forward to relishing the whole planning process. And as I've learned from prior experiences, the process is as exciting and important as the outcome, after all.
Having said all that, I've been inspired to take on a new challenge. Although I set only two goals for 2011, it was never set in stone that I'd limit myself to just two, so I'm throwing in a third. This new challenge warms my heart just to think about it. Unlike the risk of applying to the teaching program despite the huge possibility of rejection, this new major challenge will -with certainty- come to fruition, as I'm the sole person in charge of making it happen. No one can tell me "no" as I pursue this challenge. In other words, not a single person can get in the way of my biggest dream.
What the hell am I talking about, you ask? I'm going to take a solo trip to Italy next fall. In the same way that another woman's womb calls her to bear children, my heart longs to see the world, instead. I've imagined myself traveling the world -especially Europe- for so long that I can't even recall my earliest memories of learning that other parts of the world exist, and then deciding I want to see them. And while I have been to some amazing places, the lack of time and adequate finances have kept me from experiencing all that I would have liked to by now. There is nothing stopping me now, though!
After telling my friend, Megan, about my idea for this trip, she was incredibly encouraging. She took a solo trip to Australia and New Zealand two years ago and claimed that it changed her, which, I'm finding, is not an uncommon sentiment. In fact, I'm discovering that there are so many books, movies and websites dedicated to the solo female traveler. Additionally, Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Eat, Pray, Love and the subsequent movie with the same title aren't huge successes because she wasn't dramatically affected by her travel experiences. Therefore, I want to be changed. I want to grow! And I cannot think of a better way to do so than by traveling solo.
So, why Italy? Of all the countries and cities in Europe I'm desperate to see, Italy has always been at the top of my list. But, why? Well, this girl likes to eat. And drink. And Italian food happens to be my favorite. The decision was a no-brainer, really. When first thoughts of this trip began ruminating, I thought I might start in Rome and then travel to Paris and England, but because there are so many cities I want to see in Italy, I'm planning to visit only Italy and seeing 3 to 4 cities while I'm there. Tentatively, I'd like to see Rome, Naples, Florence and Venice. I'm only currently in the "gathering information" part of the process, but the more I learn, the more excited and happy this independent spirit becomes.
I'm looking at seven months ahead of me until the trip - a time frame that would make most people quite antsy. But as for me, I am looking forward to relishing the whole planning process. And as I've learned from prior experiences, the process is as exciting and important as the outcome, after all.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
B!tch Slapped
Holy effing crap. After desperately wondering why I am having so much trouble finding a date and wondering why I have so much trouble with my relationships, I finally got my answer in the form of a proverbial slap in the face via my future self. Well, sort of...
Someone - a DUDE! - posted the following article on Facebook yesterday, and it shook me to my core. Guilty! GUILTY as charged! Click on the article to see what I mean:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html
I've been guilty of each and every one of the 6 reasons listed in this article at some point in my life. My last relationship was sooooo all about #'s 2 and 4. And I can closely relate to #'s 1, 5 and 6 rightthisveryminute.
For example, regarding #1, I didn't think I was "angry" until I read this article. I need to admit that I am, in fact, angry. For many reasons. I'm angry because I'm so miserable with my job and I don't know how to change my situation. I'm angry that I didn't choose a different career path in life. I'm angry that I didn't have more guidance as a young adult. Blah, blah, blah. Wah, wah, wah. No guy wants to be with someone who is cranky and miserable for over 40 hours per week. I wouldn't.
Additionally, regarding #5, I was really, truly, actually thinking about my thighs seconds prior to reading this article. And I was dwelling about how maybe I should become a personal trainer at the gym, and how it would be a lot easier to get certified and take the pay cut if only I were married. ........Really?! Who am I?! My brain is totally programmed to think only about myself at all times and I can't even imagine what it's like not to do so. I, I, I. Me, me, me. Enough, already!
Which brings me to #6. I've been having this recurring dream lately that I'm walking in a crowd or hanging out with my friends and I'm so much shorter than everyone else. It doesn't take a genius to figure out the deeper meaning of this dream. Ever since the dark ages of middle school, I've felt that I don't measure up. It's as if the awkward and confused 13 year old girl inside me never fully recovered from getting teased in 7th grade. Instead, her lack of confidence remains a roadblock to my success and makes me feel like I don't deserve love. It's actually pretty ironic that I'm currently a mentor responsible for building the confidence and self-esteem of a 12 year old girl when I'm such a fraud! However, if I can somehow help her build a solid foundation of self worth that will successfully propel her through middle school and beyond, then I'll agree to finally consider myself successful.
Also, contrary to the article, which assures me that "I'm enough right this minute," I've always felt that I needed to have all of my personal problems solved in order to feel worthy of finding love. I suppose that's impossible, though, right? I think I need to tape that affirmation to my bathroom mirror.
I should already know this, though. At 32, why don't I already know this? My friends know this. In fact, my best girlfriends in Chicago are the most confident women I know. I admire their confidence so much and aspire to one day be as comfortable in my skin as they are in their own, even if it seems impossible at the moment.
Seeing this article really was as if my future self showed up in the present to stage an intervention by slapping me in the Facebook and yelling at me to snap out of it, a la Cher in Moonstruck. It's like she wants to save me before it's "too late" or something. Well, I asked for an eye-opener, and I got it. I have a lot to work on, but at least now I know where to begin.
Finally, every single person has flaws, and I'm not without a great deal of them. But, as long as we acknowledge that they exist, we can then begin to fix them and move forward. And if you aren't aware of what is preventing you from moving forward, don't fret. I'm sure your future self will eventually meet you in the present to slap yo ass into shape!
Someone - a DUDE! - posted the following article on Facebook yesterday, and it shook me to my core. Guilty! GUILTY as charged! Click on the article to see what I mean:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html
I've been guilty of each and every one of the 6 reasons listed in this article at some point in my life. My last relationship was sooooo all about #'s 2 and 4. And I can closely relate to #'s 1, 5 and 6 rightthisveryminute.
For example, regarding #1, I didn't think I was "angry" until I read this article. I need to admit that I am, in fact, angry. For many reasons. I'm angry because I'm so miserable with my job and I don't know how to change my situation. I'm angry that I didn't choose a different career path in life. I'm angry that I didn't have more guidance as a young adult. Blah, blah, blah. Wah, wah, wah. No guy wants to be with someone who is cranky and miserable for over 40 hours per week. I wouldn't.
Additionally, regarding #5, I was really, truly, actually thinking about my thighs seconds prior to reading this article. And I was dwelling about how maybe I should become a personal trainer at the gym, and how it would be a lot easier to get certified and take the pay cut if only I were married. ........Really?! Who am I?! My brain is totally programmed to think only about myself at all times and I can't even imagine what it's like not to do so. I, I, I. Me, me, me. Enough, already!
Which brings me to #6. I've been having this recurring dream lately that I'm walking in a crowd or hanging out with my friends and I'm so much shorter than everyone else. It doesn't take a genius to figure out the deeper meaning of this dream. Ever since the dark ages of middle school, I've felt that I don't measure up. It's as if the awkward and confused 13 year old girl inside me never fully recovered from getting teased in 7th grade. Instead, her lack of confidence remains a roadblock to my success and makes me feel like I don't deserve love. It's actually pretty ironic that I'm currently a mentor responsible for building the confidence and self-esteem of a 12 year old girl when I'm such a fraud! However, if I can somehow help her build a solid foundation of self worth that will successfully propel her through middle school and beyond, then I'll agree to finally consider myself successful.
Also, contrary to the article, which assures me that "I'm enough right this minute," I've always felt that I needed to have all of my personal problems solved in order to feel worthy of finding love. I suppose that's impossible, though, right? I think I need to tape that affirmation to my bathroom mirror.
I should already know this, though. At 32, why don't I already know this? My friends know this. In fact, my best girlfriends in Chicago are the most confident women I know. I admire their confidence so much and aspire to one day be as comfortable in my skin as they are in their own, even if it seems impossible at the moment.
Seeing this article really was as if my future self showed up in the present to stage an intervention by slapping me in the Facebook and yelling at me to snap out of it, a la Cher in Moonstruck. It's like she wants to save me before it's "too late" or something. Well, I asked for an eye-opener, and I got it. I have a lot to work on, but at least now I know where to begin.
Finally, every single person has flaws, and I'm not without a great deal of them. But, as long as we acknowledge that they exist, we can then begin to fix them and move forward. And if you aren't aware of what is preventing you from moving forward, don't fret. I'm sure your future self will eventually meet you in the present to slap yo ass into shape!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Welcome to the Lonely Hearts Club
Remember, I'm not only the Lonely Hearts Club president, but I'm also a client.
As I sit here at my computer with a glass of wine on the Saturday night before Valentine's Day feeling all Carrie Bradshaw-ish, I can't help but wonder: Am I ever going to freakin' date again???
It would be one thing if I were going on lots of dates and simply deciding that all those dudes are wrong for me, but it is quite another to not even be able to get a date!
As I am typing this, I'm reminded of a quote from Wayne's World where Wayne's ex-girlfriend gives him a gun rack for his birthday, and his response to receiving it is, "I don't even own a gun - let alone many guns - that would necessitate an entire rack." I'm thinking of it because I'm relating to the idea of someone handing me a little black book and me replying, "I don't even have a phone number - let alone many phone numbers - that would necessitate an entire black book."
Granted, I don't know who, in their right mind, would ever give a little black book as a gift, but hopefully you catch my drift.
Anyway, for most of my adult life, I have been single far more than I've been in a relationship, and that hasn't ever really bothered me. Being single certainly has it's perks! For example, eating cereal straight out of the box while watching crappy reality shows on TV with no judgement, creating disasters in the kitchen all in the name of experimentation, exchanging flirty glances with the handsome security guards at Target and taking far too much time to get ready for bed are all behaviors that make being single acceptable, and even kind of fun.
But what happens when it's no longer preferable to be single? In my 20's, getting a date was as simple as making eye contact with an attractive lad on the bus. In my 30's, however, something has changed.
Of course, I'm not naive enough to realize that the pool of dateable guys has certainly narrowed as I've been getting older, but I refuse to believe the pool has been completely depleted. Or, has it? I live in a city where I'm constantly surrounded by other people who are constantly out and about running errands, window shopping, commuting in groups, working out at the gym, etc. Yet, I don't seem to be approachable. And many times I feel too hesitant to approach someone because it really does seem that most guys around my age are already taken.
So, at 32 years old, have I missed the boat? Was it a huge mistake to reject the "good" guys of my past? Honestly, I don't think so. I really wasn't ready until recently to find someone with whom I could see spending the rest of my life. Well, perhaps I would have been ready before recently if I had only met the right person. But, who is that right person?
I've thought about it a lot, and I don't think I'm asking for too much. I've definitely learned what I don't want from all of the dating disasters of my past, and I've also formulated what I do want. In fact, here is a little list:
1. I need someone who can make me laugh. I genuinely believe that a little humor goes a long way.
2. I need someone who is on the same page as me, or is willing to compromise regarding what to eat for dinner, going out during a weekend, etc. I firmly believe that being on the same page is why I've maintained the friendships I've had for so long.
3. I need someone who is willing to share with me. I don't just mean his deepest thoughts and feelings, but I really need to know what the hell is going on in his life. I was with a person who intentionally withheld so much personal info that it ultimately destroyed us.
4. I need trust and honesty. Without those 2 crucial elements, a relationship, let alone a successful one, is impossible. Seems simple enough, but, unfortunately, I needed experience to drive this lesson home.
5. I need someone with character. I need someone to be nice to my friends, for instance. Even if he secretly doesn't like one of them, he needs to be respectful of my friendships, because they mean the world to me.
6. I need to be attracted to the person. I don't care if the rest of the world thinks he's a troll, I need to feel those tingles.
7. I need someone who is dependable. I don't mean someone who can carry out favors for me at every little request, but someone who does what he says he is going to do. I need someone who follows through with a commitment, in other words.
8. I need someone who is willing to get out of his comfort zone once and a while. I basically build my life around getting out of my comfort zone, no matter how insignificant it is to the big picture, so it would be nice to find someone who is also willing to do so and perhaps even willing to push me.
9. I need someone who is comfortable experiencing all of the emotions on the spectrum, but can also keep them rationally contained. I was once in a relationship with someone who had a tendency to be extremely negative and who had a temper, and that just didn't fly with me.
10. Finally, I don't think it is greedy for me to want someone who also knows how to "sweat the small stuff."
See, that isn't too much, right? Pretty standard, I think. And I truly feel as if I'm putting myself out there, so I don't know what I'm missing. Hopefully, something will click soon and I'll figure it out before the next Valentine's Day rolls around.
As I sit here at my computer with a glass of wine on the Saturday night before Valentine's Day feeling all Carrie Bradshaw-ish, I can't help but wonder: Am I ever going to freakin' date again???
It would be one thing if I were going on lots of dates and simply deciding that all those dudes are wrong for me, but it is quite another to not even be able to get a date!
As I am typing this, I'm reminded of a quote from Wayne's World where Wayne's ex-girlfriend gives him a gun rack for his birthday, and his response to receiving it is, "I don't even own a gun - let alone many guns - that would necessitate an entire rack." I'm thinking of it because I'm relating to the idea of someone handing me a little black book and me replying, "I don't even have a phone number - let alone many phone numbers - that would necessitate an entire black book."
Granted, I don't know who, in their right mind, would ever give a little black book as a gift, but hopefully you catch my drift.
Anyway, for most of my adult life, I have been single far more than I've been in a relationship, and that hasn't ever really bothered me. Being single certainly has it's perks! For example, eating cereal straight out of the box while watching crappy reality shows on TV with no judgement, creating disasters in the kitchen all in the name of experimentation, exchanging flirty glances with the handsome security guards at Target and taking far too much time to get ready for bed are all behaviors that make being single acceptable, and even kind of fun.
But what happens when it's no longer preferable to be single? In my 20's, getting a date was as simple as making eye contact with an attractive lad on the bus. In my 30's, however, something has changed.
Of course, I'm not naive enough to realize that the pool of dateable guys has certainly narrowed as I've been getting older, but I refuse to believe the pool has been completely depleted. Or, has it? I live in a city where I'm constantly surrounded by other people who are constantly out and about running errands, window shopping, commuting in groups, working out at the gym, etc. Yet, I don't seem to be approachable. And many times I feel too hesitant to approach someone because it really does seem that most guys around my age are already taken.
So, at 32 years old, have I missed the boat? Was it a huge mistake to reject the "good" guys of my past? Honestly, I don't think so. I really wasn't ready until recently to find someone with whom I could see spending the rest of my life. Well, perhaps I would have been ready before recently if I had only met the right person. But, who is that right person?
I've thought about it a lot, and I don't think I'm asking for too much. I've definitely learned what I don't want from all of the dating disasters of my past, and I've also formulated what I do want. In fact, here is a little list:
1. I need someone who can make me laugh. I genuinely believe that a little humor goes a long way.
2. I need someone who is on the same page as me, or is willing to compromise regarding what to eat for dinner, going out during a weekend, etc. I firmly believe that being on the same page is why I've maintained the friendships I've had for so long.
3. I need someone who is willing to share with me. I don't just mean his deepest thoughts and feelings, but I really need to know what the hell is going on in his life. I was with a person who intentionally withheld so much personal info that it ultimately destroyed us.
4. I need trust and honesty. Without those 2 crucial elements, a relationship, let alone a successful one, is impossible. Seems simple enough, but, unfortunately, I needed experience to drive this lesson home.
5. I need someone with character. I need someone to be nice to my friends, for instance. Even if he secretly doesn't like one of them, he needs to be respectful of my friendships, because they mean the world to me.
6. I need to be attracted to the person. I don't care if the rest of the world thinks he's a troll, I need to feel those tingles.
7. I need someone who is dependable. I don't mean someone who can carry out favors for me at every little request, but someone who does what he says he is going to do. I need someone who follows through with a commitment, in other words.
8. I need someone who is willing to get out of his comfort zone once and a while. I basically build my life around getting out of my comfort zone, no matter how insignificant it is to the big picture, so it would be nice to find someone who is also willing to do so and perhaps even willing to push me.
9. I need someone who is comfortable experiencing all of the emotions on the spectrum, but can also keep them rationally contained. I was once in a relationship with someone who had a tendency to be extremely negative and who had a temper, and that just didn't fly with me.
10. Finally, I don't think it is greedy for me to want someone who also knows how to "sweat the small stuff."
See, that isn't too much, right? Pretty standard, I think. And I truly feel as if I'm putting myself out there, so I don't know what I'm missing. Hopefully, something will click soon and I'll figure it out before the next Valentine's Day rolls around.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Taking the Bullsh!t by the Horns
35 days into 2011 and I've essentially made zero progress with my only two New Year's Goals. I'm not discouraged though - mostly because I haven't exactly been proactive in reaching these goals. I know I need a plan, but, to be honest, I'm not totally sure where to begin! No more excuses though. I need to kick my own butt into gear so I can make big changes in my life. While I'm still working out the details, though, allow me to share a some stories to make you understand why I desperately need to get out of my current job situation, and why finding love hasn't exactly been an easy road to navigate for me. Wait a minute - perhaps I could kill two birds with one stone and make millions off of creating a GPS system for dating & relationships?!
The Devil Wears Prada....and Gucci and Armani
When I graduated college nearly 10 years ago, I firmly believed that I'd find ajob career in Chicago that was all puppies and rainbows and roses. But, when I moved to the big city in a post-9/11 economy with no job and a bank account that was rapidly dwindling into the abyss each day I wasn't working, reality (along with a heaping spoonful of cynicism) quickly settled in. I eventually became desperate and took the first job offered to me at a law office. It was a miserable, bottom of the barrel job that paid a paltry salary, but I was beyond thankful. Until I wasn't anymore. I was lucky enough to find a different job as an office manager just over a year later, but I had no clue that I was making a deal with The Devil when I accepted the offer. Without disclosing the name of the company, I will say that I work for a brokerage firm led by a boss far more vicious and terrifying than Meryl Streep's character in The Devil Wears Prada. I only wish I had a boss who was as mild mannered as Streep's Devil.
It didn't take long before I realized my new boss was off her rocker. Screaming at her employees, screaming at people on the phone, firing people left & right, getting so mad so as to push everything off her desk like a raging lunatic - all became the norm I was forced to accept at my new workplace. I believe I caught the most hell from The Devil when I was promoted to event planner, though. I work in finance now, which allows me to be far less interactive with my boss than being an event planner, and so that is my only excuse for not leaving the company yet and being able to (barely) tolerate the madness.
One example of a ridiculous incident with my boss occurred 5 years ago when we were in the process moving to a new office. The Devil was out of town when she emailed me with instructions to go to the Loop to take photos of our new office building to be emailed to one of our sales reps for his website. There were several problems with this request, however. A.) I didn't own a digital camera at the time, B.) I wouldn't have brought my digital camera to work with me if I had owned one, and C.) It was a cloudy, rainy day with zero visibility beyond a few feet.
I remember spending an absurd amount of time contemplating exactly how I would respond to her email to avoid having her go off on me for not being able to carry out this request. When I finally did craft the perfect email, I explained to her that I didn't own a digital camera, about the weather, etc. I also attached several professional photos of the new building I was able to locate online and asked if it would be sufficient to send those. The reply? "Unacceptable. Go to the Loop and take a picture of the new office." Ooooh kaaaay, Ms. Crazy. Whatever you say! So, how did I overcome this little obstacle, you ask? Well, I could have mocked her and gone to the new office to take a barely visible pic with my camera phone. But, instead I sent the professional pics to the rep anyway but didn't cc her on the email. I simply emailed her separately later in the day telling her I sent pics to the rep. Problem eliminated, but lots of aggravation accrued.
Another incident occurred when I was planning an event in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, and I was working on scheduling a group sunset cruise. The Devil specified the time she wanted the sunset cruise to take place, but there was a problem in that her requested time slot didn't coincide with the actual setting of the sun. I explained this to her in an email (we rarely speak on the phone or in person) and gave her all the possible available options for boat departures. Not surprisingly, she shot back in all caps (her signature move) that the cruise had to happen at her specified time because the group had a dinner reservation beforehand that couldn't be changed. After an email tug-of-war, and after coming to the office on a Saturday to get the stupid cruise settled to her satisfaction, I finally gave up and scheduled the cruise for the time that the sun was actually setting. I emailed the officially scheduled time to The Devil and didn't check my email the rest of the weekend. I promptly got in trouble the following Monday for "not taking direction and not listening to instruction." Other than calling God and asking him to do me a solid and move the time of the sunset , I have no possible clue how I could have changed the outcome of that situation.
Although there are many, many stories like the ones above that involve me and my fellow coworkers, allow me to indulge myself with just one more story, please.
As the event planner, I was also occasionally requested to schedule personal trips for my boss. One of these times she wanted to take a trip to Bora Bora, and she wanted to stay in one of those fancy bungalows that are set just above the calm, aqua-colored ocean water. Using her miles, points, clout, etc., I was able to find exactly what she wanted at an amazing rate. I did it! I had successfully planned the perfect trip for my boss! But, after I sent her all of the details and was just about to reach my arm up to pat myself on the back, I received an email from The Devil in ALL CAPS AND BOLD, RED LETTERS declaring that the trip I planned couldn't possibly be correct because it wasn't expensive enough. At that, I did the only thing I could think of and sent her an outline of how I used her points, miles, etc. I even pasted a picture of the resort onto the body of the email with an arrow pointing to her exact bungalow. (By this time in my employment, I had gathered enough guts to be, if only ever so slightly, a smart ass.) I never received a reply email, which, as I learned during my early years as an employee for The Devil, meant I was correct. Success!
Although it may be possible to occasionally win battles with The Devil, I'm also quite positive the war won't be won until Hell freezes over.
Looks like this entry is getting quite lengthy, so I'll leave my dating horror stories for another day!
The Devil Wears Prada....and Gucci and Armani
When I graduated college nearly 10 years ago, I firmly believed that I'd find a
It didn't take long before I realized my new boss was off her rocker. Screaming at her employees, screaming at people on the phone, firing people left & right, getting so mad so as to push everything off her desk like a raging lunatic - all became the norm I was forced to accept at my new workplace. I believe I caught the most hell from The Devil when I was promoted to event planner, though. I work in finance now, which allows me to be far less interactive with my boss than being an event planner, and so that is my only excuse for not leaving the company yet and being able to (barely) tolerate the madness.
One example of a ridiculous incident with my boss occurred 5 years ago when we were in the process moving to a new office. The Devil was out of town when she emailed me with instructions to go to the Loop to take photos of our new office building to be emailed to one of our sales reps for his website. There were several problems with this request, however. A.) I didn't own a digital camera at the time, B.) I wouldn't have brought my digital camera to work with me if I had owned one, and C.) It was a cloudy, rainy day with zero visibility beyond a few feet.
I remember spending an absurd amount of time contemplating exactly how I would respond to her email to avoid having her go off on me for not being able to carry out this request. When I finally did craft the perfect email, I explained to her that I didn't own a digital camera, about the weather, etc. I also attached several professional photos of the new building I was able to locate online and asked if it would be sufficient to send those. The reply? "Unacceptable. Go to the Loop and take a picture of the new office." Ooooh kaaaay, Ms. Crazy. Whatever you say! So, how did I overcome this little obstacle, you ask? Well, I could have mocked her and gone to the new office to take a barely visible pic with my camera phone. But, instead I sent the professional pics to the rep anyway but didn't cc her on the email. I simply emailed her separately later in the day telling her I sent pics to the rep. Problem eliminated, but lots of aggravation accrued.
Another incident occurred when I was planning an event in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, and I was working on scheduling a group sunset cruise. The Devil specified the time she wanted the sunset cruise to take place, but there was a problem in that her requested time slot didn't coincide with the actual setting of the sun. I explained this to her in an email (we rarely speak on the phone or in person) and gave her all the possible available options for boat departures. Not surprisingly, she shot back in all caps (her signature move) that the cruise had to happen at her specified time because the group had a dinner reservation beforehand that couldn't be changed. After an email tug-of-war, and after coming to the office on a Saturday to get the stupid cruise settled to her satisfaction, I finally gave up and scheduled the cruise for the time that the sun was actually setting. I emailed the officially scheduled time to The Devil and didn't check my email the rest of the weekend. I promptly got in trouble the following Monday for "not taking direction and not listening to instruction." Other than calling God and asking him to do me a solid and move the time of the sunset , I have no possible clue how I could have changed the outcome of that situation.
Although there are many, many stories like the ones above that involve me and my fellow coworkers, allow me to indulge myself with just one more story, please.
As the event planner, I was also occasionally requested to schedule personal trips for my boss. One of these times she wanted to take a trip to Bora Bora, and she wanted to stay in one of those fancy bungalows that are set just above the calm, aqua-colored ocean water. Using her miles, points, clout, etc., I was able to find exactly what she wanted at an amazing rate. I did it! I had successfully planned the perfect trip for my boss! But, after I sent her all of the details and was just about to reach my arm up to pat myself on the back, I received an email from The Devil in ALL CAPS AND BOLD, RED LETTERS declaring that the trip I planned couldn't possibly be correct because it wasn't expensive enough. At that, I did the only thing I could think of and sent her an outline of how I used her points, miles, etc. I even pasted a picture of the resort onto the body of the email with an arrow pointing to her exact bungalow. (By this time in my employment, I had gathered enough guts to be, if only ever so slightly, a smart ass.) I never received a reply email, which, as I learned during my early years as an employee for The Devil, meant I was correct. Success!
Although it may be possible to occasionally win battles with The Devil, I'm also quite positive the war won't be won until Hell freezes over.
Looks like this entry is getting quite lengthy, so I'll leave my dating horror stories for another day!
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