Holy effing crap. After desperately wondering why I am having so much trouble finding a date and wondering why I have so much trouble with my relationships, I finally got my answer in the form of a proverbial slap in the face via my future self. Well, sort of...
Someone - a DUDE! - posted the following article on Facebook yesterday, and it shook me to my core. Guilty! GUILTY as charged! Click on the article to see what I mean:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html
I've been guilty of each and every one of the 6 reasons listed in this article at some point in my life. My last relationship was sooooo all about #'s 2 and 4. And I can closely relate to #'s 1, 5 and 6 rightthisveryminute.
For example, regarding #1, I didn't think I was "angry" until I read this article. I need to admit that I am, in fact, angry. For many reasons. I'm angry because I'm so miserable with my job and I don't know how to change my situation. I'm angry that I didn't choose a different career path in life. I'm angry that I didn't have more guidance as a young adult. Blah, blah, blah. Wah, wah, wah. No guy wants to be with someone who is cranky and miserable for over 40 hours per week. I wouldn't.
Additionally, regarding #5, I was really, truly, actually thinking about my thighs seconds prior to reading this article. And I was dwelling about how maybe I should become a personal trainer at the gym, and how it would be a lot easier to get certified and take the pay cut if only I were married. ........Really?! Who am I?! My brain is totally programmed to think only about myself at all times and I can't even imagine what it's like not to do so. I, I, I. Me, me, me. Enough, already!
Which brings me to #6. I've been having this recurring dream lately that I'm walking in a crowd or hanging out with my friends and I'm so much shorter than everyone else. It doesn't take a genius to figure out the deeper meaning of this dream. Ever since the dark ages of middle school, I've felt that I don't measure up. It's as if the awkward and confused 13 year old girl inside me never fully recovered from getting teased in 7th grade. Instead, her lack of confidence remains a roadblock to my success and makes me feel like I don't deserve love. It's actually pretty ironic that I'm currently a mentor responsible for building the confidence and self-esteem of a 12 year old girl when I'm such a fraud! However, if I can somehow help her build a solid foundation of self worth that will successfully propel her through middle school and beyond, then I'll agree to finally consider myself successful.
Also, contrary to the article, which assures me that "I'm enough right this minute," I've always felt that I needed to have all of my personal problems solved in order to feel worthy of finding love. I suppose that's impossible, though, right? I think I need to tape that affirmation to my bathroom mirror.
I should already know this, though. At 32, why don't I already know this? My friends know this. In fact, my best girlfriends in Chicago are the most confident women I know. I admire their confidence so much and aspire to one day be as comfortable in my skin as they are in their own, even if it seems impossible at the moment.
Seeing this article really was as if my future self showed up in the present to stage an intervention by slapping me in the Facebook and yelling at me to snap out of it, a la Cher in Moonstruck. It's like she wants to save me before it's "too late" or something. Well, I asked for an eye-opener, and I got it. I have a lot to work on, but at least now I know where to begin.
Finally, every single person has flaws, and I'm not without a great deal of them. But, as long as we acknowledge that they exist, we can then begin to fix them and move forward. And if you aren't aware of what is preventing you from moving forward, don't fret. I'm sure your future self will eventually meet you in the present to slap yo ass into shape!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Welcome to the Lonely Hearts Club
Remember, I'm not only the Lonely Hearts Club president, but I'm also a client.
As I sit here at my computer with a glass of wine on the Saturday night before Valentine's Day feeling all Carrie Bradshaw-ish, I can't help but wonder: Am I ever going to freakin' date again???
It would be one thing if I were going on lots of dates and simply deciding that all those dudes are wrong for me, but it is quite another to not even be able to get a date!
As I am typing this, I'm reminded of a quote from Wayne's World where Wayne's ex-girlfriend gives him a gun rack for his birthday, and his response to receiving it is, "I don't even own a gun - let alone many guns - that would necessitate an entire rack." I'm thinking of it because I'm relating to the idea of someone handing me a little black book and me replying, "I don't even have a phone number - let alone many phone numbers - that would necessitate an entire black book."
Granted, I don't know who, in their right mind, would ever give a little black book as a gift, but hopefully you catch my drift.
Anyway, for most of my adult life, I have been single far more than I've been in a relationship, and that hasn't ever really bothered me. Being single certainly has it's perks! For example, eating cereal straight out of the box while watching crappy reality shows on TV with no judgement, creating disasters in the kitchen all in the name of experimentation, exchanging flirty glances with the handsome security guards at Target and taking far too much time to get ready for bed are all behaviors that make being single acceptable, and even kind of fun.
But what happens when it's no longer preferable to be single? In my 20's, getting a date was as simple as making eye contact with an attractive lad on the bus. In my 30's, however, something has changed.
Of course, I'm not naive enough to realize that the pool of dateable guys has certainly narrowed as I've been getting older, but I refuse to believe the pool has been completely depleted. Or, has it? I live in a city where I'm constantly surrounded by other people who are constantly out and about running errands, window shopping, commuting in groups, working out at the gym, etc. Yet, I don't seem to be approachable. And many times I feel too hesitant to approach someone because it really does seem that most guys around my age are already taken.
So, at 32 years old, have I missed the boat? Was it a huge mistake to reject the "good" guys of my past? Honestly, I don't think so. I really wasn't ready until recently to find someone with whom I could see spending the rest of my life. Well, perhaps I would have been ready before recently if I had only met the right person. But, who is that right person?
I've thought about it a lot, and I don't think I'm asking for too much. I've definitely learned what I don't want from all of the dating disasters of my past, and I've also formulated what I do want. In fact, here is a little list:
1. I need someone who can make me laugh. I genuinely believe that a little humor goes a long way.
2. I need someone who is on the same page as me, or is willing to compromise regarding what to eat for dinner, going out during a weekend, etc. I firmly believe that being on the same page is why I've maintained the friendships I've had for so long.
3. I need someone who is willing to share with me. I don't just mean his deepest thoughts and feelings, but I really need to know what the hell is going on in his life. I was with a person who intentionally withheld so much personal info that it ultimately destroyed us.
4. I need trust and honesty. Without those 2 crucial elements, a relationship, let alone a successful one, is impossible. Seems simple enough, but, unfortunately, I needed experience to drive this lesson home.
5. I need someone with character. I need someone to be nice to my friends, for instance. Even if he secretly doesn't like one of them, he needs to be respectful of my friendships, because they mean the world to me.
6. I need to be attracted to the person. I don't care if the rest of the world thinks he's a troll, I need to feel those tingles.
7. I need someone who is dependable. I don't mean someone who can carry out favors for me at every little request, but someone who does what he says he is going to do. I need someone who follows through with a commitment, in other words.
8. I need someone who is willing to get out of his comfort zone once and a while. I basically build my life around getting out of my comfort zone, no matter how insignificant it is to the big picture, so it would be nice to find someone who is also willing to do so and perhaps even willing to push me.
9. I need someone who is comfortable experiencing all of the emotions on the spectrum, but can also keep them rationally contained. I was once in a relationship with someone who had a tendency to be extremely negative and who had a temper, and that just didn't fly with me.
10. Finally, I don't think it is greedy for me to want someone who also knows how to "sweat the small stuff."
See, that isn't too much, right? Pretty standard, I think. And I truly feel as if I'm putting myself out there, so I don't know what I'm missing. Hopefully, something will click soon and I'll figure it out before the next Valentine's Day rolls around.
As I sit here at my computer with a glass of wine on the Saturday night before Valentine's Day feeling all Carrie Bradshaw-ish, I can't help but wonder: Am I ever going to freakin' date again???
It would be one thing if I were going on lots of dates and simply deciding that all those dudes are wrong for me, but it is quite another to not even be able to get a date!
As I am typing this, I'm reminded of a quote from Wayne's World where Wayne's ex-girlfriend gives him a gun rack for his birthday, and his response to receiving it is, "I don't even own a gun - let alone many guns - that would necessitate an entire rack." I'm thinking of it because I'm relating to the idea of someone handing me a little black book and me replying, "I don't even have a phone number - let alone many phone numbers - that would necessitate an entire black book."
Granted, I don't know who, in their right mind, would ever give a little black book as a gift, but hopefully you catch my drift.
Anyway, for most of my adult life, I have been single far more than I've been in a relationship, and that hasn't ever really bothered me. Being single certainly has it's perks! For example, eating cereal straight out of the box while watching crappy reality shows on TV with no judgement, creating disasters in the kitchen all in the name of experimentation, exchanging flirty glances with the handsome security guards at Target and taking far too much time to get ready for bed are all behaviors that make being single acceptable, and even kind of fun.
But what happens when it's no longer preferable to be single? In my 20's, getting a date was as simple as making eye contact with an attractive lad on the bus. In my 30's, however, something has changed.
Of course, I'm not naive enough to realize that the pool of dateable guys has certainly narrowed as I've been getting older, but I refuse to believe the pool has been completely depleted. Or, has it? I live in a city where I'm constantly surrounded by other people who are constantly out and about running errands, window shopping, commuting in groups, working out at the gym, etc. Yet, I don't seem to be approachable. And many times I feel too hesitant to approach someone because it really does seem that most guys around my age are already taken.
So, at 32 years old, have I missed the boat? Was it a huge mistake to reject the "good" guys of my past? Honestly, I don't think so. I really wasn't ready until recently to find someone with whom I could see spending the rest of my life. Well, perhaps I would have been ready before recently if I had only met the right person. But, who is that right person?
I've thought about it a lot, and I don't think I'm asking for too much. I've definitely learned what I don't want from all of the dating disasters of my past, and I've also formulated what I do want. In fact, here is a little list:
1. I need someone who can make me laugh. I genuinely believe that a little humor goes a long way.
2. I need someone who is on the same page as me, or is willing to compromise regarding what to eat for dinner, going out during a weekend, etc. I firmly believe that being on the same page is why I've maintained the friendships I've had for so long.
3. I need someone who is willing to share with me. I don't just mean his deepest thoughts and feelings, but I really need to know what the hell is going on in his life. I was with a person who intentionally withheld so much personal info that it ultimately destroyed us.
4. I need trust and honesty. Without those 2 crucial elements, a relationship, let alone a successful one, is impossible. Seems simple enough, but, unfortunately, I needed experience to drive this lesson home.
5. I need someone with character. I need someone to be nice to my friends, for instance. Even if he secretly doesn't like one of them, he needs to be respectful of my friendships, because they mean the world to me.
6. I need to be attracted to the person. I don't care if the rest of the world thinks he's a troll, I need to feel those tingles.
7. I need someone who is dependable. I don't mean someone who can carry out favors for me at every little request, but someone who does what he says he is going to do. I need someone who follows through with a commitment, in other words.
8. I need someone who is willing to get out of his comfort zone once and a while. I basically build my life around getting out of my comfort zone, no matter how insignificant it is to the big picture, so it would be nice to find someone who is also willing to do so and perhaps even willing to push me.
9. I need someone who is comfortable experiencing all of the emotions on the spectrum, but can also keep them rationally contained. I was once in a relationship with someone who had a tendency to be extremely negative and who had a temper, and that just didn't fly with me.
10. Finally, I don't think it is greedy for me to want someone who also knows how to "sweat the small stuff."
See, that isn't too much, right? Pretty standard, I think. And I truly feel as if I'm putting myself out there, so I don't know what I'm missing. Hopefully, something will click soon and I'll figure it out before the next Valentine's Day rolls around.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Taking the Bullsh!t by the Horns
35 days into 2011 and I've essentially made zero progress with my only two New Year's Goals. I'm not discouraged though - mostly because I haven't exactly been proactive in reaching these goals. I know I need a plan, but, to be honest, I'm not totally sure where to begin! No more excuses though. I need to kick my own butt into gear so I can make big changes in my life. While I'm still working out the details, though, allow me to share a some stories to make you understand why I desperately need to get out of my current job situation, and why finding love hasn't exactly been an easy road to navigate for me. Wait a minute - perhaps I could kill two birds with one stone and make millions off of creating a GPS system for dating & relationships?!
The Devil Wears Prada....and Gucci and Armani
When I graduated college nearly 10 years ago, I firmly believed that I'd find ajob career in Chicago that was all puppies and rainbows and roses. But, when I moved to the big city in a post-9/11 economy with no job and a bank account that was rapidly dwindling into the abyss each day I wasn't working, reality (along with a heaping spoonful of cynicism) quickly settled in. I eventually became desperate and took the first job offered to me at a law office. It was a miserable, bottom of the barrel job that paid a paltry salary, but I was beyond thankful. Until I wasn't anymore. I was lucky enough to find a different job as an office manager just over a year later, but I had no clue that I was making a deal with The Devil when I accepted the offer. Without disclosing the name of the company, I will say that I work for a brokerage firm led by a boss far more vicious and terrifying than Meryl Streep's character in The Devil Wears Prada. I only wish I had a boss who was as mild mannered as Streep's Devil.
It didn't take long before I realized my new boss was off her rocker. Screaming at her employees, screaming at people on the phone, firing people left & right, getting so mad so as to push everything off her desk like a raging lunatic - all became the norm I was forced to accept at my new workplace. I believe I caught the most hell from The Devil when I was promoted to event planner, though. I work in finance now, which allows me to be far less interactive with my boss than being an event planner, and so that is my only excuse for not leaving the company yet and being able to (barely) tolerate the madness.
One example of a ridiculous incident with my boss occurred 5 years ago when we were in the process moving to a new office. The Devil was out of town when she emailed me with instructions to go to the Loop to take photos of our new office building to be emailed to one of our sales reps for his website. There were several problems with this request, however. A.) I didn't own a digital camera at the time, B.) I wouldn't have brought my digital camera to work with me if I had owned one, and C.) It was a cloudy, rainy day with zero visibility beyond a few feet.
I remember spending an absurd amount of time contemplating exactly how I would respond to her email to avoid having her go off on me for not being able to carry out this request. When I finally did craft the perfect email, I explained to her that I didn't own a digital camera, about the weather, etc. I also attached several professional photos of the new building I was able to locate online and asked if it would be sufficient to send those. The reply? "Unacceptable. Go to the Loop and take a picture of the new office." Ooooh kaaaay, Ms. Crazy. Whatever you say! So, how did I overcome this little obstacle, you ask? Well, I could have mocked her and gone to the new office to take a barely visible pic with my camera phone. But, instead I sent the professional pics to the rep anyway but didn't cc her on the email. I simply emailed her separately later in the day telling her I sent pics to the rep. Problem eliminated, but lots of aggravation accrued.
Another incident occurred when I was planning an event in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, and I was working on scheduling a group sunset cruise. The Devil specified the time she wanted the sunset cruise to take place, but there was a problem in that her requested time slot didn't coincide with the actual setting of the sun. I explained this to her in an email (we rarely speak on the phone or in person) and gave her all the possible available options for boat departures. Not surprisingly, she shot back in all caps (her signature move) that the cruise had to happen at her specified time because the group had a dinner reservation beforehand that couldn't be changed. After an email tug-of-war, and after coming to the office on a Saturday to get the stupid cruise settled to her satisfaction, I finally gave up and scheduled the cruise for the time that the sun was actually setting. I emailed the officially scheduled time to The Devil and didn't check my email the rest of the weekend. I promptly got in trouble the following Monday for "not taking direction and not listening to instruction." Other than calling God and asking him to do me a solid and move the time of the sunset , I have no possible clue how I could have changed the outcome of that situation.
Although there are many, many stories like the ones above that involve me and my fellow coworkers, allow me to indulge myself with just one more story, please.
As the event planner, I was also occasionally requested to schedule personal trips for my boss. One of these times she wanted to take a trip to Bora Bora, and she wanted to stay in one of those fancy bungalows that are set just above the calm, aqua-colored ocean water. Using her miles, points, clout, etc., I was able to find exactly what she wanted at an amazing rate. I did it! I had successfully planned the perfect trip for my boss! But, after I sent her all of the details and was just about to reach my arm up to pat myself on the back, I received an email from The Devil in ALL CAPS AND BOLD, RED LETTERS declaring that the trip I planned couldn't possibly be correct because it wasn't expensive enough. At that, I did the only thing I could think of and sent her an outline of how I used her points, miles, etc. I even pasted a picture of the resort onto the body of the email with an arrow pointing to her exact bungalow. (By this time in my employment, I had gathered enough guts to be, if only ever so slightly, a smart ass.) I never received a reply email, which, as I learned during my early years as an employee for The Devil, meant I was correct. Success!
Although it may be possible to occasionally win battles with The Devil, I'm also quite positive the war won't be won until Hell freezes over.
Looks like this entry is getting quite lengthy, so I'll leave my dating horror stories for another day!
The Devil Wears Prada....and Gucci and Armani
When I graduated college nearly 10 years ago, I firmly believed that I'd find a
It didn't take long before I realized my new boss was off her rocker. Screaming at her employees, screaming at people on the phone, firing people left & right, getting so mad so as to push everything off her desk like a raging lunatic - all became the norm I was forced to accept at my new workplace. I believe I caught the most hell from The Devil when I was promoted to event planner, though. I work in finance now, which allows me to be far less interactive with my boss than being an event planner, and so that is my only excuse for not leaving the company yet and being able to (barely) tolerate the madness.
One example of a ridiculous incident with my boss occurred 5 years ago when we were in the process moving to a new office. The Devil was out of town when she emailed me with instructions to go to the Loop to take photos of our new office building to be emailed to one of our sales reps for his website. There were several problems with this request, however. A.) I didn't own a digital camera at the time, B.) I wouldn't have brought my digital camera to work with me if I had owned one, and C.) It was a cloudy, rainy day with zero visibility beyond a few feet.
I remember spending an absurd amount of time contemplating exactly how I would respond to her email to avoid having her go off on me for not being able to carry out this request. When I finally did craft the perfect email, I explained to her that I didn't own a digital camera, about the weather, etc. I also attached several professional photos of the new building I was able to locate online and asked if it would be sufficient to send those. The reply? "Unacceptable. Go to the Loop and take a picture of the new office." Ooooh kaaaay, Ms. Crazy. Whatever you say! So, how did I overcome this little obstacle, you ask? Well, I could have mocked her and gone to the new office to take a barely visible pic with my camera phone. But, instead I sent the professional pics to the rep anyway but didn't cc her on the email. I simply emailed her separately later in the day telling her I sent pics to the rep. Problem eliminated, but lots of aggravation accrued.
Another incident occurred when I was planning an event in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, and I was working on scheduling a group sunset cruise. The Devil specified the time she wanted the sunset cruise to take place, but there was a problem in that her requested time slot didn't coincide with the actual setting of the sun. I explained this to her in an email (we rarely speak on the phone or in person) and gave her all the possible available options for boat departures. Not surprisingly, she shot back in all caps (her signature move) that the cruise had to happen at her specified time because the group had a dinner reservation beforehand that couldn't be changed. After an email tug-of-war, and after coming to the office on a Saturday to get the stupid cruise settled to her satisfaction, I finally gave up and scheduled the cruise for the time that the sun was actually setting. I emailed the officially scheduled time to The Devil and didn't check my email the rest of the weekend. I promptly got in trouble the following Monday for "not taking direction and not listening to instruction." Other than calling God and asking him to do me a solid and move the time of the sunset , I have no possible clue how I could have changed the outcome of that situation.
Although there are many, many stories like the ones above that involve me and my fellow coworkers, allow me to indulge myself with just one more story, please.
As the event planner, I was also occasionally requested to schedule personal trips for my boss. One of these times she wanted to take a trip to Bora Bora, and she wanted to stay in one of those fancy bungalows that are set just above the calm, aqua-colored ocean water. Using her miles, points, clout, etc., I was able to find exactly what she wanted at an amazing rate. I did it! I had successfully planned the perfect trip for my boss! But, after I sent her all of the details and was just about to reach my arm up to pat myself on the back, I received an email from The Devil in ALL CAPS AND BOLD, RED LETTERS declaring that the trip I planned couldn't possibly be correct because it wasn't expensive enough. At that, I did the only thing I could think of and sent her an outline of how I used her points, miles, etc. I even pasted a picture of the resort onto the body of the email with an arrow pointing to her exact bungalow. (By this time in my employment, I had gathered enough guts to be, if only ever so slightly, a smart ass.) I never received a reply email, which, as I learned during my early years as an employee for The Devil, meant I was correct. Success!
Although it may be possible to occasionally win battles with The Devil, I'm also quite positive the war won't be won until Hell freezes over.
Looks like this entry is getting quite lengthy, so I'll leave my dating horror stories for another day!
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