After going through some really stellar years in my life, and then deciding to make a total life change, I found myself starting all over again, not unlike a former championship sports team. I believe that the hardest part is now over though, and there has been a solid foundation built, which is providing the groundwork for many potential future championship years.
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Sometimes I forget that writing brings me peace. Writing is usually the solution to any problem I'm dealing with, and yet I've all but neglected my favorite outlet during the entire year of 2013.
Writing clears the junk in my head, and therefore creates room for happiness. But for the past year, I couldn't even make the effort to sit down and write. I felt very diluted and sort of dumbed-down and couldn't seem to get my head straight and organized enough to take the time to do what I need to do in order to foster my love of writing in 2013.
But my severe writer's block didn't just happen for no reason. My life completely changed in 2013, and I had a desperately difficult time adjusting to my altered existence, including finding the time and energy to sit down and churn out a blog post.
Now let's backtrack a little. You see, the story of my writing rise and eventual demise all started in 2011 when I decided there were two things missing from my life that I desperately wanted: a boyfriend and a career that I loved.
Looking back though, my life was really freakin' great in 2011. I had a steady job and made decent money to pretty much do as I pleased. I had no debt save for a manageable chunk of the pesky student loan variety. I had plenty of time and energy to volunteer, work out, and visit with friends & family. Had I not hated my job so much back then, or weren't so hung up on bemoaning my single status, I'd go so far as to say that my life was pretty damn near perfect. But, as human nature would have it, near perfect wasn't good enough, and I wanted more. I wanted two more things, specifically. BIG things. And although I knew they were BIG, I had no idea back then that actually acquiring a boyfriend and a new career would impact and change my life in ways I'd never have imagined, yet not entirely for the better...
Ok so fast forward to the beginning of 2013, approximately two years after I had stopped dreaming and started pursuing, and I finally had everything I've ever wanted. I should have been overjoyed, right? However, I found myself overwhelmed by the work and responsibility of having both a boyfriend and a demanding career, and was bummed out by the sacrifices it takes to be successful with each. I may have had what I wanted, but it didn't come without sacrificing things I didn't really want to sacrifice, which caused a fucking confusing mess in my head.
Regarding my new career as a personal trainer, for instance, I had to re-learn how to be as poor as a newly minted and naive college grad as I faced the daunting task of building my business from scratch. And even though I consider myself successful with my career now, I learned early on that personal training is a career in which one can never truly be comfortable, and one can always face a "bad month" following a "good month." Not knowing how much money I'm going to bring in each month is terrifying, and I had some pretty shabby months that caused a lot of stress during 2013.
Additionally, sacrificing a lifestyle I was well-accustomed to prior to my career change was something I was not prepared for when I resigned from Cubeville, USA. I had to give up shopping for pleasure, vacation days, frequently dining out, having enough energy to go out on the weekends, and pretty much doing anything other than work on a week night. Those are the things I loved about my old life, but immediately had to relinquish when I became a personal trainer.
Navigating through the first year of my new career was a difficult road, but make no mistake, it was a road that was dotted with many notable rewards along the way. While I wouldn't change my choice to switch careers, I just wish I hadn't had to sacrifice what made me happy before I switched.
Additionally, sacrificing a lifestyle I was well-accustomed to prior to my career change was something I was not prepared for when I resigned from Cubeville, USA. I had to give up shopping for pleasure, vacation days, frequently dining out, having enough energy to go out on the weekends, and pretty much doing anything other than work on a week night. Those are the things I loved about my old life, but immediately had to relinquish when I became a personal trainer.
Navigating through the first year of my new career was a difficult road, but make no mistake, it was a road that was dotted with many notable rewards along the way. While I wouldn't change my choice to switch careers, I just wish I hadn't had to sacrifice what made me happy before I switched.
With regards to entering into a serious relationship and living with a boyfriend for the first time in my life, I learned quickly after becoming a couple that an independent mind doesn't exactly help a relationship to thrive. There was a lot of tension caused by my lack of sharing thoughts and not communicating issues. Being in a relationship with someone and living with them is a million times more difficult than I ever thought it'd be, as I'm not the biggest fan of compromise... or sharing.
My mind was also usually preoccupied with my main man and how his every move affected my life. I realize this is ridiculous and know that kind of thought process deeply hindered my growth and development as a grown ass woman last year, but I didn't know how to make it stop. I was being taught lesson after lesson, but would never really learn anything because I continued to repeat the same harmful patterns of jealousy, despondence, and defensiveness. I created situations in my head regarding the whereabouts or actions of my significant other that were completely false, then I'd proceed to shut down and offer up a heaping portion of passive-aggressive behavior when questioned about my withdrawal or negative attitude.
I recognize that I have the tendency to be really immature in relationships due to my lack of experience with them. There. I admit it. In the past year, I've learned that I'm not always right. In fact, I'm mostly wrong. My feelings are real, but they aren't necessarily justified.
In fact, I spent a lot of time in 2013 feeling as though everyone except me already knows how to navigate through the A,B,C's of relationships as easily as reciting the alphabet. But here I am at 35 years old still learning that L comes before M, which comes before N, which comes before O, etc.
I often wondered (and still do, truth be told) if I'm simply not cut out to be in a relationship, after all. Or at the very least that I'm simply not cut out for marriage. Instead of feeling whole or complete when I'm with someone, I usually feel like an imitation version of myself. The generic equivalent. During the rare periods of time when I am in a relationship, I feel as though I am not able to make simple decisions on my own, and even feel paralyzed by them. I tend to lose the ability to think for myself, and that terrifies me.
I'm incredibly independent by nature, so perhaps nature is constantly reminding me that I need to remain that way so as not to cause a glitch in the Matrix? I'm having a hard time typing this, because who the hell feels like they are better off being alone rather than with the person they do, indeed, love? Like, really, truly, love! That's crazy, right?!
I may have learned a lot of unfavorable qualities about myself during my relationship throughout the past year, but I do feel as if I've grown since learning them, and I'm continuing to learn on a daily basis. I have the good fortune of being with someone who is nothing but honest. And that honesty, although extremely startling and painful at times, is exactly what I need in order to consistently improve myself.
But don't get me wrong, living with a significant other can also be THE FUNNEST!! Having someone around who always makes me laugh and always knows how to reassure me that everything is going to be okay when I have trouble seeing light at the end of the tunnel is something for which I'm eternally thankful. I have a lot of love to give, and nothing makes me happier than coming home after a long day and snuggling up to the one I truly love with all my heart.
I constantly crave peace, order, tranquility and creativity. But for most of 2013, I felt as if I didn't have those things in my life anymore. I recall fondly that I once did have those things. I used to feel smart even around people I considered smarter than me. But for the past year I've been so distracted and/or consumed with dealing with the changes in my life that I felt as though I had nothing to contribute and that my thoughts and opinions were completely nonsensical anyway. I spent a lot of time feeling as though I'm getting older and dumber, not older and wiser.
My mind was also usually preoccupied with my main man and how his every move affected my life. I realize this is ridiculous and know that kind of thought process deeply hindered my growth and development as a grown ass woman last year, but I didn't know how to make it stop. I was being taught lesson after lesson, but would never really learn anything because I continued to repeat the same harmful patterns of jealousy, despondence, and defensiveness. I created situations in my head regarding the whereabouts or actions of my significant other that were completely false, then I'd proceed to shut down and offer up a heaping portion of passive-aggressive behavior when questioned about my withdrawal or negative attitude.
I recognize that I have the tendency to be really immature in relationships due to my lack of experience with them. There. I admit it. In the past year, I've learned that I'm not always right. In fact, I'm mostly wrong. My feelings are real, but they aren't necessarily justified.
In fact, I spent a lot of time in 2013 feeling as though everyone except me already knows how to navigate through the A,B,C's of relationships as easily as reciting the alphabet. But here I am at 35 years old still learning that L comes before M, which comes before N, which comes before O, etc.
I often wondered (and still do, truth be told) if I'm simply not cut out to be in a relationship, after all. Or at the very least that I'm simply not cut out for marriage. Instead of feeling whole or complete when I'm with someone, I usually feel like an imitation version of myself. The generic equivalent. During the rare periods of time when I am in a relationship, I feel as though I am not able to make simple decisions on my own, and even feel paralyzed by them. I tend to lose the ability to think for myself, and that terrifies me.
I'm incredibly independent by nature, so perhaps nature is constantly reminding me that I need to remain that way so as not to cause a glitch in the Matrix? I'm having a hard time typing this, because who the hell feels like they are better off being alone rather than with the person they do, indeed, love? Like, really, truly, love! That's crazy, right?!
I may have learned a lot of unfavorable qualities about myself during my relationship throughout the past year, but I do feel as if I've grown since learning them, and I'm continuing to learn on a daily basis. I have the good fortune of being with someone who is nothing but honest. And that honesty, although extremely startling and painful at times, is exactly what I need in order to consistently improve myself.
But don't get me wrong, living with a significant other can also be THE FUNNEST!! Having someone around who always makes me laugh and always knows how to reassure me that everything is going to be okay when I have trouble seeing light at the end of the tunnel is something for which I'm eternally thankful. I have a lot of love to give, and nothing makes me happier than coming home after a long day and snuggling up to the one I truly love with all my heart.
I constantly crave peace, order, tranquility and creativity. But for most of 2013, I felt as if I didn't have those things in my life anymore. I recall fondly that I once did have those things. I used to feel smart even around people I considered smarter than me. But for the past year I've been so distracted and/or consumed with dealing with the changes in my life that I felt as though I had nothing to contribute and that my thoughts and opinions were completely nonsensical anyway. I spent a lot of time feeling as though I'm getting older and dumber, not older and wiser.
But now it's 2014. A blank slate. And I plan to get my life back in order so that I'm happy, organized, motivated and successful in all areas of my life. So how do I plan to do this? Well, for starters, I've already set 14 goals for myself for 2014. As experience has taught me, setting goals - however big or small - really helps me stay organized and usually leads me to bigger and better things. So even if I haven't nailed down my next big life project, I find that setting smaller goals and accomplishing them usually leads me in the right direction.
Above all, my main goal is to get back to being me. The "me" before the career change, and before the relationship. I miss the Stephanie who blogged regularly, took solo walks that lasted for hours, was organized in every aspect of her life, spent lots of time with friends, cooked often, read often, watched independent and foreign films, frequently dined at new restaurants, and drank bubbly on the weekends. I miss that Stephanie. She was really freakin' happy. And while I never want to go back to work in an office just to make more money, I want to find a way to be happy with my career and not have to struggle so much financially.
Some sacrifices are required when making life changes, I realize this. But when all the good things before the big change are cancelled out to make room for the new stuff, it's time to question priorities and decide what is truly important in life. Therefore, it's time to "rebuild" my life and work towards reincorporating and holding on to all the good stuff that has and always will make my life so sweet.
Some sacrifices are required when making life changes, I realize this. But when all the good things before the big change are cancelled out to make room for the new stuff, it's time to question priorities and decide what is truly important in life. Therefore, it's time to "rebuild" my life and work towards reincorporating and holding on to all the good stuff that has and always will make my life so sweet.
