Every time someone asks me to tell them more about myself, my brain freezes and struggles to start up again, not unlike a YouTube video pausing to buffer.
I'm comfortable with being open and sharing details in my journals and in my blog, but I'm terrible with answering questions about my thoughts and feelings in person. I fear intimate communication with another person because what if they judge me? What if I hastily say something I don't really mean? Or, horror of horrors, what if I unintentionally use a word that doesn't have the meaning I think it does?! I'm not a walking thesaurus for crying out loud!
A certain person very close to me, for example, can talk and talk and talk and eloquently chuck out metaphors and analogies as effortlessly as singing something as familiar as Happy Birthday. And even though I should be listening to what is being said, I often find myself trying to figure out how one can spit such mad English game without completely dissecting the meaning of each word first, or rearranging each sentence of every thought, which is exactly what I do in my blog before I decide that I am, in fact, conveying the specific point in which I'm attempting to communicate. Even after rehashing the same sentence 9000 times, I'm still not totally confident I got it right.
Besides struggling with off-the-cuff communication, I remember having lots of trouble "being myself" in high school. In fact, authenticity was a major subject of concern in my journals when I was a teenager. I can distinctly remember many incidents where I was paralyzed by a blank mind in social situations.
While sitting next to a boy I had a huge crush on in 12th grade English class, for example, my brain kept urging me to talk to him, even though the same asshole brain didn't provide me with anything meaningful to say.
Thanks to the discovery of alcohol in college though, I was able to muster up enough liquid courage to talk to anybody and everybody at parties, but I still wasn't being "me." I was simply being someone who was talking a lot because her inhibitions were lowered by a chemical means. I don't drink much anymore, so more often than not, I find myself feeling like that quiet, awkward, and anxious teenager all over again.
So what am I afraid of? I like who I am, so why can't I completely let go when I'm in the presence of others?
I think the answer lies within the fact that I greatly identify with an introverted personality type.
Unfortunately, the Google definition for introvert isn't very flattering:
in·tro·vert
/ˈintrəˌvərt/
Noun
A shy, reticent, and typically self-centered person.
A person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things.
Oh sweet Jesus. This definition makes me feel like I'm not at all the type of person who has any business having any kind of relationship with any human ever. Holy shit.
Thankfully, I firmly believe this definition is total crap. I'm not very "shy," as I was a cheerleader all through high school, and my approachable demeanor is probably my best asset regarding my career as a personal trainer. And although I am very introspective and "concerned with my own thoughts and feelings," I do happen to be in the business (literally) of helping people and considering what is best for individuals other than myself. Just because I get all of my energy from within, does not mean that I cannot be an asset to others or am incapable of fostering successful relationships. In fact, I'm incredibly caring and have an endless capacity for love. I am simply affected differently by the outside world compared to someone that identifies with an extroverted personality type.
For instance, I need alone time. I suffer from people exhaustion and often reach a point where I find myself needing to step away and not be anywhere near other humans. I'm sensitive to too much noise, and I find it difficult to concentrate with chaos all around me. My job is loud. I mean, it is LOUD. Working in a gym means constant chatter, blow-the-brains-out-of-your-ears music, and clanging of iron weights and metal cables, which can make me bat shit crazy after hearing it alllll.. dayyyy.. lonnnng. Therefore, I often don't feel like making plans and engaging in conversation after work because I find myself in desperate need of silence and space to think.
Conversely, when I worked in an office I barely spoke during the day and spent most of the nine hour workday alone in my cube. All of my energy had been safely contained throughout the week, allowing me to acquire enough fuel stores to use for socializing by the weekend. But now that I'm a personal trainer, I'm completely wiped out by the end of the day and week from constantly dispensing my all of my energy to my clients. The career that I love has killed my social life, which is one of the reasons I have previously stated in this post that the grass of a career changer isn't always greener. It's just different.
I'm not completely socially inept, though, nor am I limited when it comes to being successful despite my very loud, chaotic, and social career. In fact, according to this article from Forbes magazine titled, Why Introverts Can Make Great Leaders:
"Introverted leaders think before they speak. Even in casual conversations, they consider others' comments carefully, and they stop and reflect before responding. ... Introverted leaders usually prefer writing to talking. This comfort with the written word often helps them better articulate their positions and document their actions. ... Introverted leaders are energized by spending time alone. They suffer from people exhaustion and need to retreat to recharge their batteries frequently. These regular timeouts actually fuel their thinking, creativity and decision-making and, when the pressure is on, help them be responsive, not reactive."
I've exhibited reserved or "closed-off" behaviors for as long as I can remember. Even as a toddler I never offered to share my toys or my thoughts. My Mom has told me that any time I got hurt or was upset about something as a child, I went off to be by myself instead of having her help or comfort me. Additionally, I loathed working in groups in school, and would rather figure out a solution to a problem on my own than ask for help. I often chose to play alone rather than with the neighborhood kids too. Even in high school, it wasn't uncommon for me to choose to stay at home and watch movies or write in my journal when everyone else was at parties or on dates. I was often made to feel guilty by friends and family for being such a recluse, but laying low was necessary for me, and it even made me happy.
For so many years I neglected the childhood self with whom I was so comfortable, and instead wasted so much time as a teenager and young adult trying so hard to be someone I'm not. After all, society prizes big personalities. Somewhere along the line, "me" became unacceptable and I hated myself for not embodying society's personality of preference.
I can recall when my tenth grade Humanities teacher had us write each student's name on small squares of paper, along with three words that described how we perceived each student. They were to be anonymous since everyone got to see what everyone else thought about them. Nearly every square of paper with my name on it had the same three qualities written on it. According to my classmates, I was perceived as quiet, nice, and pretty. I was so surprised and offended that everyone thought I was QUIET! To me, that meant that everyone thought I was a loser. Popular people aren't "quiet," after all.
Then, within a few days of beginning my life as a college freshman, a student I had developed a crush on quietly uttered to my roommate at a party that I was "nice," but had "zero personality." Again, I was heartbroken, offended, and convinced that I was completely socially inept.
After moving to a big city post college, I thought that the only way I would ever hack it in a fast-paced city lifestyle would be to plug myself as an ambitious business woman ready and willing to take on the world! I landed some very cushy and coveted corporate jobs with that attitude, but I was completely miserable. During my ten years hashing it out in various cubes, I never once felt like I was being true to myself in the business world. Of course, I didn't realize that I wasn't being true to myself back then. I figured I was unhappy because I was too unintelligent and lazy to be successful in a corporate environment.
If only I knew then what I know now. But, alas, with age comes wisdom. I do wish that I could go back and tell my tenth grade self that qualities such as quiet, nice, and pretty are decent qualities to posses, and that at least I had enough sense and was mature enough to know how and when to hold my tongue.
I wish I could go back to my college freshman self and tell her to brush off the "zero personality" comment, because although it takes time to get to know me, it's fucking worth it. I'm proud of the fact that I can't be figured out within the first five minutes of talking to me. I'd also tell her that not drinking like a fish just to come off as having "more personality" is okay too.
As for my young adult self struggling in the business world, I'd tell her to hang in there, because she isn't doomed to thrive in a world that's all about numbers, and not at all about people. That through experience, she'll eventually discover her passion for fitness and find herself successful in a professional environment where she does, in fact, belong.
I know I can't completely change my personality, and I certainly wouldn't want to change it! Because that would mean compromising my authenticity, and after so many years I've finally learned to accept and be happy that I'm not Ms. Big Personality. I'm totally okay with being Stephanie.
However, accepting my introverted personality type doesn't mean I can't learn a valuable lesson or two from extroverts. I mean, even though some extroverts terrify me with their loud, exuberant ways, many of my best friends over the years have been extroverts. The extroverts in my life have taught me to be more assertive, and assertiveness is the quality I admire most about the extroverted personality, because not one ounce of assertiveness comes naturally to me.
I've grown tremendously over the years from being influenced by my extroverted counterparts. For example, if I'm working with a client and I have plans to use the leg press machine, then I will kick a meat-head off of it if I have to, and I won't feel bad about it. There is simply no room for passivity in my business. There just isn't. Or, if there are clients that need my help to lose weight, then I won't let them get away with making excuses and taking the path of least resistance, because they are paying me to hold them accountable. These are aspects of myself that I couldn't fathom adopting ten years ago.
Most importantly, my favorite extroverts in the world have also taught me that success stems from being yourself, no matter whom may or may not like it. I admire the fearlessness and confidence of the extroverts I know, and I find that I'm most successful when I simply "do me." Although I struggle with authenticity, I know that the more I practice believing in myself, the more I will grow and continue to be successful, because no one else can possibly "do me" the way I do.
