Dear Chicago

Dear Chicago,

I never told you the story of how I learned of your existence, but after twelve and a half years of our relationship together, it's probably time to share. You see, during my sophomore year in college in Canton, Ohio, my three roommates and I were trying to come up with a road trip destination. One of my roommates suggested visiting the city of Chicago. Not even knowing where you fell on the map of the United States, I responded with, "Chicago? Isn't it cold there?" The only other fact I knew about Chicago was that The Oprah Winfrey Show was taped there. We ended up road-tripping to the great state of Pennsylvania that year.

Then, during my senior year of college, my brother's girlfriend's brother moved to Chicago. So, my brother, his girlfriend, and I decided to head to Chicago to visit him during New Year's Eve of 2001. As I suspected, I learned just how cold you are upon my arrival. That being a time in my life when I refused to wear a coat during a night out on the town, I have no idea (except maybe that my brain froze) how I decided that I wanted to move to your chilly wilderness of a city. But, something attracted me. I couldn't pinpoint the attraction at the time, but I felt strongly in my heart that Chicago was where I needed to live.

I moved over 12 years ago and we still find ourselves in a steady relationship. Not married, not divorced, but a steady relationship that has endured plenty of ups and downs. Over the years you have become more than just a city in my eyes. You are a force of nature that has beaten me to within an inch of my life at times, yet at other times you've pushed me hard to want to be a better me.

Enough time has passed that the initial infatuation has worn off though, and I've been seeing the real you for a few years now. When your Spanx are removed and your make-up is washed off, Chicago, you are not all that pretty. I have to admit that when I'm staring down the real you, I often wonder if the appeal is even still there. Although I've been dealing with your flaws for some time now, I'm slowly learning to forgive them.

But you can be SUCH an asshole, sometimes, Chicago. For one, your weather totally blows. How is it that you are always, ALWAYS windy?! Even on seemingly beautiful spring days, you annoy the fuck out of me, you breezy bastard. And suuuureee, public transportation always SEEMS like the best option, but it's slow as fuck. How is it that it takes me one hour to get from my home to work when I take the train, but it takes a mere 20 minutes when I hail an expensive ass cab? Real efficient, jerk. And don't get me started on the smelly train cars. And checking the seat for foreign substances prior to sitting my tush down has become second nature. So gross.

BUT, there is always surprise around every corner, and maybe that's how and why I stay interested. You always keep me on my toes, Chicago. I've lived in three neighborhoods since I moved here 12 years ago, and I've explored countless others. Wandering aimlessly through your captivating corridors fills me with joy. It's one of the few times I don't think about looking at my phone. It's when I get inspired to write, to do more, to be more. Just looking at your various buildings and dreaming of the history they possess causes my mind to drift for hours on end imagining what it might have been like to walk the streets and inhabit those buildings in the 30's, 60's, etc.

You fill me with wonder and dreams, Chicago. You are never boring, and therefore my life is never boring. We've toughed out the hard times together and we've more than appropriately celebrated the good times. As much as I felt you were throwing rocks at me during certain times in my life, there were plenty of other times where you were my rock to lean on and support me. My feelings for you will always be mixed, but isn't variety the spice of life? Regardless, my time with you has been a positive experience, even when many situations didn't seem so positive when I was experiencing them. I know I definitely wouldn't be the person I am today if you weren't the backdrop for my life, Chicago.

The only reason I've ever felt stuck or trapped in a life situation is because you continuously show me that there is more out there. More for me to do, to see, to be. If I had continued living in a small town, I wouldn't know anything bigger than the existence I had always known since I was born. But even though living in a big city makes me feel small, it constantly reminds me that there is always plenty of room to grow.

I'm not sure how much time left we'll have together, Chicago. Life can take me elsewhere or I'll decide that you may not be the right fit for me anymore. But until then, cheers to our adventures together!

Love,
Stephanie

Fresh Out of Fucks to Give

One of the reasons I started this blog is so I could have the opportunity to express my opinions, thoughts, and feelings without interruption, objection, or judgement. I mean, of course you are still able to judge me, but at least I can't see your face silently criticizing me! Not that the subjects I write about are very controversial or anything, but I do find myself avoiding rocking the boat by keeping my posts fairly neutral.

I also tend to be very passive and agreeable in person, even when I don't necessarily agree with whatever is being said. I worry too much about how I'm perceived and I'd rather die than have anyone be mad at me. But at almost 36 years old, I think it may be far more important to be respected for living authentically and standing my ground rather than worried about someone being mad at me because I don't agree with them. I think it's time for me to stop fearing judgement and start expressing my opinions, regardless of the fact that others may not see eye to eye with me.

I have always fought hard to keep the peace with my friends and coworkers, but it might be fun to stir the pot a bit for once in my life. Incidentally, my BFF is always brutally honest, and incidentally, I respect him tremendously, even though I don't always like what he has to say. Most of the time he's right, but sometimes he's wrong. Even so, he has an opinion and he's not afraid to share it. I admire that. I'd be a lot less anxious if I just stopped giving a fuck about what people think.

For the first time in 36 years, I am confident with my journey and the way I have chosen to live my life. My lifestyle is different from the average 36 year old mid-western white girl, and I'm more than okay with that. For so long I felt pressured by society to not be okay with it, and therefore my confidence suffered because I wasn't doing/saying/acting/being the same as everyone else. But, my life and the way I live it is my choice. And even though it may not be ideal all of the time, it is still MY life. I don't judge you for your choices even when I can't relate or don't want the same things as you do.

It is also important to remember that people don't care as much about my life as much as I think they do. I have to accept that it's okay for someone to be upset with me, and realize that if they value having me in their life, they'll get over it. If not, they'll move on and so will I.

Crazy Bunny Lady

Because I live an unconventional life, it would only make sense for me to adopt a bunny as my pet of choice, as opposed to a dog or cat. I'm alergic to cats and I don't have the time or money to take care of a dog, but it turns out that a bunny is a perfect pet for my lifestyle.

I'm pretty sure many people think that owning a bunny in the city is odd, maybe because they associate bunnies with farms or whatever. Well, I'd like to introduce the world to my Doodles. I adopted her on August 6th from Red Door Animal Shelter. She is an adorable bun with a fun and feisty personality and I love her more than words can describe. And while barn hay has become a very large and messy part of my everyday existence, I maintain that Doodles is very urban chic. After all, she was found fending for herself on the harsh streets of Chicago, making her a strong and independent little lady. She was most likely a bunny that was (irresponsibly) given to some spoiled kid at Easter only to be abandoned by her original family once they realized how much work goes into caring for a bunny. Sadly, this is the same story for most of the bunnies that find there way to Red Door.

Knowing this information regarding her background breaks my heart, but Doodles is the last one to hold a grudge. She is the most active, loving, thankful, healthy, and entertaining creature I've ever known. Her only "imperfection" is that she has a permanently dislocated toe - the only visible marking of her former life. It tears me apart to think about what may have caused her little toe injury, but it doesn't affect her one bit. She fearlessly jumps super high and hops through the house at lightening speed. She attacks me with bunny kisses and knows exactly how to manipulate me into giving her treats. She lets me pet her tiny nose and giant ears for as long as I would like, and she always returns the love with kisses.

Owning a pet is hard work, but the rewards far outweigh the cost and effort. I think the biggest change she has made in my life is allowing me to be a more present individual. I'm completely in the moment when I'm observing or petting her. For crying out loud, I have written so many blog posts about how much I struggle with being present, so why didn't anyone ever tell me that owning a pet could help me learn to clear my head and be fully in the moment?!

Doodles also reminds me to be more thankful on a regular basis. She gets a salad twice a day and a treat before bed and every single time she acts as if it's Christmas freakin' morning. It's adorable. Her reaction causes me to be more enthusiastic and thankful any time I eat too. Not that I'm not already enthusiastic about meal time anyway. But she makes me realize how blessed I am to be alive and have the means to obtain the fuel that keeps me living.

No matter where on this earth life and circumstance take me, I am fully committed to loving and caring for this bun and giving her the best damn life she deserves.

Doodles... also known as "Doody, Doody Bun, Doodle Baby, Doodster, Baby, Bunster

Life of a Career Changer - Two Years Later

It's sort of unbelievable that I've been a fitness professional for two whole years now! While the first year of my new life was incredibly challenging and full of ups and downs, the second year has been overwhelmingly rewarding. Through struggle, I gained confidence in my first year that I was able to utilize for a successful second year. I'm not saying my second year was a breeze, but there were far more ups than downs, and I learned how to manage myself better when the going got tough.

If I had known two years ago how hard it would be to switch careers, I may have been too scared to ever do so. But in this case, ignorance was bliss, and I've been fulfilling my purpose ever since I jumped out of my comfort zone only to land in a field where I truly belong.

In past blog posts regarding my first year as a personal trainer, I often bemoaned the sacrifices that came with change and moving forward. What I learned in my second year though, is that those sacrifices didn't mean I was giving much up after all. For instance, my paychecks aren't as beefy as they were when I worked in Corporate America, but I feel as if I'm getting by better than ever. Somehow I'm managing to save some money. Somehow I'm managing to pay all my bills. Somehow I still have enough left over for good food and fun activities. I firmly believe that when you find a way to do what you are meant to do, God takes care of the rest.

Another sacrifice I often mentioned in previous blog posts was giving up so much time with my closest girlfriends. What I failed to mention, though, is that the lives of my girlfriends have evolved in some way right along with mine during the last two years. If I had never made a change to my own life in order to preserve the frequency of which I saw them, then I would have only been left behind while everyone else moved forward.

I was so sad for so long that my lifestyle was drastically altered after initially making a career switch, but I'm not sad about it anymore. In fact, I'm beyond grateful because I now feel as if I'm truly honoring my authentic self. Work and exercise take up a huge chunk of my time, and I'm okay with that. This means I spend a large part of my life doing what I love. Yes, I'm often too tired to be social on the weekends, but I don't feel as if I'm missing out on anything. I now feel as if my life is so rich that I require more downtime because I'm so busy actually living my life. Working in a cube for 40 hours per week only made me feel as if I was wasting away. And going to bars and drinking on the weekends never really made me feel that good anyway. And it definitely never made me feel good the next day. When health became a top priority for me, I realized that life is too short to waste Sundays on the couch being hungover.

Many times during that first year I felt like giving up. But a little voice inside my head heart kept telling me to "keep going." And in my second year, I learned how to appreciate the pros despite the cons of my new career and realized that no job is perfect. I learned not to take anything personally. I learned how important it is to not compromise my integrity regardless of opinions from clients and coworkers. I learned that hard work and giving everything I've got is the only way to find success on the path to working for what I so strongly believe in, and accepting that doing so still might not be enough. I also learned how important it is to have a best friend/roommate (who has also been a mentor to me) readily and willingly available for support at all times, especially when my confidence was shaky.

Perhaps the biggest takeaway from my second year is gaining the courage and the confidence to grow even more in my field. I don't want to become stagnant at my current place of employment, and instead would like to see where and how far I can take my talents. When I wrote this  post last year, I wondered where I'd be one year from then. I speculated that maybe I'd be a more successful and developed trainer, and I can definitely say that is 100% accurate. I've held the #3 spot and top female spot for the last year for personal training at my gym. But I do also have to wonder where I'll be one year from now. Wherever I find myself, I want to find myself growing in my field and even more successful than I am today. And the simple act of believing in myself ensures that I'll get there.

"It is your patience and your labor that allows miracles to happen." - Elizabeth Gilbert

Embracing Choppy Waters

Life is never easy. There are moments in life that are effortless and easy, but life itself is not easy, per se. Well, no life worth living, that is. Right? Or am I wrong? I'm always fighting to become stronger, happier, and smarter, and that's not easy. I'm exhausted most of the time. I'm exhausted from trying so hard. I'm exhausted from trying, succeeding, and then having to keep trying to be even more successful. It's a cycle that never ends. Instead of living in the moment and basking in happiness, I constantly feel pressure from myself to be more, and to do more. Most of the time, no matter how much I accomplish, I still feel lazy and behind everyone else. I want so much more, but I am discouraged at the thought of  how much more I'd need to drain myself to get there. And once I get there, won't I pressure myself to find a reason to want and work for even more anyway? Is trying to be the best of your best worth it? Is it worth feeling completely wiped out all of the time? I never feel like I'm good enough no matter what I do anyway. I'm afraid to give myself a break, because what if I get so comfortable that I end up giving up on my dreams completely? Sometimes I feel like there is no right way to live life. There are always difficult sacrifices and trade-offs which make me think it may be impossible to "have it all." Hope and a positive attitude keep me from giving up, but I have yet to experience even a glimpse of "having it all." Instead of trying so damn hard, maybe I should just let go and let life play out. But if I do that, won't I end up watching life pass me by? If I keep relentlessly trying to have everything I want, on the other hand, will I ever truly let myself be satisfied? There is a fine line in there somewhere, and I have yet to pinpoint that line.

Last year around this time I was experiencing some major uncertainties in my life. I was $13 short on my rent and seriously reconsidering my career as a personal trainer. Do I stick with it? Do I give up now and save myself further grief? Back and forth, back and forth my brain was volleying options like a tennis ball. No option seemed like a good one and so I was paralyzed with indecision. But then, at my lowest point, desperately seeking a sign for which direction to take, I was walking to the train one night after work and found exactly $13 on the street. Just enough to cover the full amount of my rent. It was a sign to keep going, and I soon found myself accelerating in my career.

One year later, I don't consider myself in a low spot, per se, but I do find myself facing uncertainties again. I feel pressure by society and myself to avoid settling for current circumstances, and instead to seek out and work for bigger and better goals.

Some people work their whole lives at the same job and they are happy. Other people relentlessly pursue their passions and are not happy. I worked at the same job for years and wished it made me happy, but I was too restless and felt pressure from within to want more for myself. Now that I'm one of those people who works relentlessly to live off of what they are passionate about, I feel happy when I'm doing my work, but anxious and exhausted from the difficulties in making it work.

I've embraced the frequently choppy waters that accompany my sail through life, but that doesn't mean I handle it well. I'm emotionally sensitive and over think everything. Risk is a word that I dislike, and yet that word  has defined a major part of the past 2 years of my life. According to society, countless self-help books, and those eye-roll inducing inspirational memes on Pinterest, taking risks is supposed to make me happy, but mostly the idea of taking a risk makes me crazy. But so does staying idle. This is why life is not easy. I'm constantly paralyzed by infinite options and both major and minor decisions, so more often than not, I remain idle while entertaining the risks I want to take.

I don't regret a single risk I've ever taken though. Dealing with sacrifices has definitely been the most difficult part of any risk I've taken, but I've also gained strength, insight, and wisdom from navigating my way through choppy waters. There may not be a right way to live life, but dealing with the challenges of perpetually chasing your dreams rather than the challenges regretting risks not taken can't possibly be wrong.

Back to the Present

I have a lot of trouble being "present" or "in the moment." As much as I practice yoga or practice redirecting my brain from ruminating, more often than not I find my mind drifting to events of the past or anxiously peering into a future riddled with uncertainty. In other words, my brain is usually anywhere but "here." It has dawned on me that when I do look back on my life though, I wish I would have appreciated whatever I was going through at any particular time, good or bad, but especially good. It has dawned on me that I take a lot of cool stuff about my life for granted.

I recently had a conversation with my BFF about how doing laundry really makes me feel like I have my shit together. I gushed to him that something about the cleansing, the folding, the organizing and putting away that makes me feel like I really have everything in line. He commented in response to my passionate rant about domestic chores, "But you do have your shit together. You're just too busy always comparing yourself to others." OMG. TOTES. If I just remembered to pause and realize that I'm exactly where I need to be right now at this time in my life, I'd be a whole lot happier and less anxious about my circumstances.

It's like I purposely avoid eye contact with the present moment, even though the present moment is really the only thing that ever matters. Nothing lasts forever, good or bad, and no one is truly stuck anywhere, so why would I ever let my happiness be compromised by external circumstances that aren't permanent anyway?

Bear with me for this next sentence, but I think that by looking into the future to look back at the present as the past, I'd find a lot more happiness, and would express far more gratitude to God for my life. An example of this came to me this week as I thought about how as a kid I used to vacation in North Carolina with my family during summertime for two whole weeks. For the love. TWO WHOLE WEEKS! I didn't quite appreciate my good fortune too much at the time, but holy shit if I knew back then that spending two weeks at the coast would nearly be impossible for me as an adult, I might have eaten more ice cream cones while walking along the beach. I might have spent an extra hour every day with my toes in the sand. I definitely would have shown more gratitude toward my parents for blessing me with such an incredible opportunity every summer of my already awesome childhood.

Obviously, being an adult is a bit different though, because life is more about responsibility and not always about fun. There are plenty of ups and downs and plenty of times where I let the downs take over my life. But I tend to look back at various times during my adult life in Chicago when I thought I wasn't happy and realize that I still had it really good. So I don't understand why I don't embrace and appreciate my current circumstances a little more. This is my life. It's happening. But I tend not to wholly appreciate my life until I can only reflect upon moments that have passed. Even the not-so-rosy experiences only exist to teach me, and although I know deep down that rocky roads make me stronger, it's so easy to forget and get incredibly frustrated when things aren't going my way.

My current life situation is that I'm 35 years old and living with roommates, which isn't as easy or as comfortable as living solo, and at times I get so worked up about it that I feel as if my emotional well being is teetering on the edge of a cliff. Additionally, my career as a personal trainer is completely exhausting and time consuming, and I make very little money to show for my relentless hard work. I'll admit that I get annoyed by my life sometimes. Okay, I get annoyed a lot of times. But, why? What's the point? When I force myself to look at the big picture, or as I mentioned previously, when I force myself to "look into the future to look back at the present as the past," I immediately remember that I'm truly blessed because I LOVE my career, and I'm getting by just fine, so I shouldn't worry about not making a ton of money. Also, I LOVE paying cheap rent. I LOVE living with my BFF. And I deeply value the opportunity to reside in an international household (my other roommate is Taiwanese and my BFF and his parents - who live downstairs - are Chilean). My situation works. For now, that is. Living with roommates won't be forever, and I may not have the good fortune to be a trainer forever, so why not just enjoy my life for what it is right now?

When I stop comparing myself to others and really pause to take in the moment, I realize that I'm lucky beyond measure. I need to spend more time appreciating my crazy life situations at any point in time for what they are right here and right now, and take pleasure in the fact that whatever I'm experiencing is just another step in the path of the unconventional life that I'm so happy I chose to lead over a traditional one. My life is never boring. Never. How amazing and fortunate for me! I need to remember that it's pointless to stress about what I haven't yet accomplished in life when I know in my heart that if I want something bad enough, I WILL make it happen. And for crying out loud, I need to let today be today... This hour be this hour... This minute be this minute. And in this moment, I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude.

Introvert Problems

Every time someone asks me to tell them more about myself, my brain freezes and struggles to start up again, not unlike a YouTube video pausing to buffer.

I'm comfortable with being open and sharing details in my journals and in my blog, but I'm terrible with answering questions about my thoughts and feelings in person. I fear intimate communication with another person because what if they judge me? What if I hastily say something I don't really mean? Or, horror of horrors, what if I unintentionally use a word that doesn't have the meaning I think it does?! I'm not a walking thesaurus for crying out loud!

A certain person very close to me, for example, can talk and talk and talk and eloquently chuck out metaphors and analogies as effortlessly as singing something as familiar as Happy Birthday. And even though I should be listening to what is being said, I often find myself trying to figure out how one can spit such mad English game without completely dissecting the meaning of each word first, or rearranging each sentence of every thought, which is exactly what I do in my blog before I decide that I am, in fact, conveying the specific point in which I'm attempting to communicate. Even after rehashing the same sentence 9000 times, I'm still not totally confident I got it right.

Besides struggling with off-the-cuff communication, I remember having lots of trouble "being myself" in high school. In fact, authenticity was a major subject of concern in my journals when I was a teenager. I can distinctly remember many incidents where I was paralyzed by a blank mind in social situations.

While sitting next to a boy I had a huge crush on in 12th grade English class, for example, my brain kept urging me to talk to him, even though the same asshole brain didn't provide me with anything meaningful to say.

Thanks to the discovery of alcohol in college though, I was able to muster up enough liquid courage to talk to anybody and everybody at parties, but I still wasn't being "me." I was simply being someone who was talking a lot because her inhibitions were lowered by a chemical means.  I don't drink much anymore, so more often than not, I find myself feeling like that quiet, awkward, and anxious teenager all over again.

So what am I afraid of? I like who I am, so why can't I completely let go when I'm in the presence of others?

I think the answer lies within the fact that I greatly identify with an introverted personality type.

Unfortunately, the Google definition for introvert isn't very flattering:

in·tro·vert
/ˈintrəˌvərt/

Noun

A shy, reticent, and typically self-centered person.
A person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things.

Oh sweet Jesus. This definition makes me feel like I'm not at all the type of person who has any business having any kind of relationship with any human ever. Holy shit.

Thankfully, I firmly believe this definition is total crap. I'm not very "shy," as I was a cheerleader all through high school, and my approachable demeanor is probably my best asset regarding my career as a personal trainer. And although I am very introspective and "concerned with my own thoughts and feelings," I do happen to be in the business (literally) of helping people and considering what is best for individuals other than myself. Just because I get all of my energy from within, does not mean that I cannot be an asset to others or am incapable of fostering successful relationships. In fact, I'm incredibly caring and have an endless capacity for love. I am simply affected differently by the outside world compared to someone that identifies with an extroverted personality type.

For instance, I need alone time. I suffer from people exhaustion and often reach a point where I find myself needing to step away and not be anywhere near other humans. I'm sensitive to too much noise, and I find it difficult to concentrate with chaos all around me. My job is loud. I mean, it is LOUD. Working in a gym means constant chatter, blow-the-brains-out-of-your-ears music, and clanging of iron weights and metal cables, which can make me bat shit crazy after hearing it alllll.. dayyyy.. lonnnng. Therefore, I often don't feel like making plans and engaging in conversation after work because I find myself in desperate need of silence and space to think.

Conversely, when I worked in an office I barely spoke during the day and spent most of the nine hour workday alone in my cube. All of my energy had been safely contained throughout the week, allowing me to acquire enough fuel stores to use for socializing by the weekend. But now that I'm a personal trainer, I'm completely wiped out by the end of the day and week from constantly dispensing my all of my energy to my clients. The career that I love has killed my social life, which is one of the reasons I have previously stated in this post that the grass of a career changer isn't always greener. It's just different.

I'm not completely socially inept, though, nor am I limited when it comes to being successful despite my very loud, chaotic, and social career. In fact, according to this article from Forbes magazine titled, Why Introverts Can Make Great Leaders:

"Introverted leaders think before they speak. Even in casual conversations, they consider others' comments carefully, and they stop and reflect before responding. ... Introverted leaders usually prefer writing to talking. This comfort with the written word often helps them better articulate their positions and document their actions. ... Introverted leaders are energized by spending time alone. They suffer from people exhaustion and need to retreat to recharge their batteries frequently. These regular timeouts actually fuel their thinking, creativity and decision-making and, when the pressure is on, help them be responsive, not reactive."

However, I do think that my personality type is the reason I have trouble communicating in depth with people closest to me, and why I loathe making small talk with acquaintances or strangers. I live my past, present, and future life mostly within the world inside my head, and it doesn't always occur to me to share that world with others on the spot... or, ever.

I've exhibited reserved or "closed-off" behaviors for as long as I can remember. Even as a toddler I never offered to share my toys or my thoughts. My Mom has told me that any time I got hurt or was upset about something as a child, I went off to be by myself instead of having her help or comfort me. Additionally, I loathed working in groups in school, and would rather figure out a solution to a problem on my own than ask for help. I often chose to play alone rather than with the neighborhood kids too. Even in high school, it wasn't uncommon for me to choose to stay at home and watch movies or write in my journal when everyone else was at parties or on dates. I was often made to feel guilty by friends and family for being such a recluse, but laying low was necessary for me, and it even made me happy.

For so many years I neglected the childhood self with whom I was so comfortable, and instead wasted so much time as a teenager and young adult trying so hard to be someone I'm not. After all, society prizes big personalities. Somewhere along the line, "me" became unacceptable and I hated myself for not embodying society's personality of preference.

I can recall when my tenth grade Humanities teacher had us write each student's name on small squares of paper, along with three words that described how we perceived each student. They were to be anonymous since everyone got to see what everyone else thought about them. Nearly every square of paper with my name on it had the same three qualities written on it. According to my classmates, I was perceived as quiet, nice, and pretty. I was so surprised and offended that everyone thought I was QUIET! To me, that meant that everyone thought I was a loser. Popular people aren't "quiet," after all.

Then, within a few days of beginning my life as a college freshman, a student I had developed a crush on quietly uttered to my roommate at a party that I was "nice," but had "zero personality." Again, I was heartbroken, offended, and convinced that I was completely socially inept.

After moving to a big city post college, I thought that the only way I would ever hack it in a fast-paced city lifestyle would be to plug myself as an ambitious business woman ready and willing to take on the world! I landed some very cushy and coveted corporate jobs with that attitude, but I was completely miserable. During my ten years hashing it out in various cubes, I never once felt like I was being true to myself in the business world. Of course, I didn't realize that I wasn't being true to myself back then. I figured I was unhappy because I was too unintelligent and lazy to be successful in a corporate environment.

If only I knew then what I know now. But, alas, with age comes wisdom. I do wish that I could go back and tell my tenth grade self that qualities such as quiet, nice, and pretty are decent qualities to posses, and that at least I had enough sense and was mature enough to know how and when to hold my tongue.

I wish I could go back to my college freshman self and tell her to brush off the "zero personality" comment, because although it takes time to get to know me, it's fucking worth it. I'm proud of the fact that I can't be figured out within the first five minutes of talking to me. I'd also tell her that not drinking like a fish just to come off as having "more personality" is okay too.

As for my young adult self struggling in the business world, I'd tell her to hang in there, because she isn't doomed to thrive in a world that's all about numbers, and not at all about people. That through experience, she'll eventually discover her passion for fitness and find herself successful in a professional environment where she does, in fact, belong.

I know I can't completely change my personality, and I certainly wouldn't want to change it! Because that would mean compromising my authenticity, and after so many years I've finally learned to accept and be happy that I'm not Ms. Big Personality. I'm totally okay with being Stephanie.

However, accepting my introverted personality type doesn't mean I can't learn a valuable lesson or two from extroverts. I mean, even though some extroverts terrify me with their loud, exuberant ways, many of my best friends over the years have been extroverts. The extroverts in my life have taught me to be more assertive, and assertiveness is the quality I admire most about the extroverted personality, because not one ounce of assertiveness comes naturally to me.

I've grown tremendously over the years from being influenced by my extroverted counterparts. For example, if I'm working with a client and I have plans to use the leg press machine, then I will kick a meat-head off of it if I have to, and I won't feel bad about it. There is simply no room for passivity in my business. There just isn't. Or, if there are clients that need my help to lose weight, then I won't let them get away with making excuses and taking the path of least resistance, because they are paying me to hold them accountable. These are aspects of myself that I couldn't fathom adopting ten years ago.

Most importantly, my favorite extroverts in the world have also taught me that success stems from being yourself, no matter whom may or may not like it. I admire the fearlessness and confidence of the extroverts I know, and I find that I'm most successful when I simply "do me." Although I struggle with authenticity, I know that the more I practice believing in myself, the more I will grow and continue to be successful, because no one else can possibly "do me" the way I do.

2014 - A "Rebuilding" Year

Regarding sports, whether professional or college, I often hear that teams find themselves going through a "rebuilding" season or two after several stellar seasons, and after the star players either retire or graduate. The first year is always expected to be tough when there are so many new players involved. Teams find themselves losing games despite relentless hard work during the "rebuilding" time period, but only until they can gain experience and learn to find a formula that works, ultimately leading the team to more wins than losses.

After going through some really stellar years in my life, and then deciding to make a total life change, I found myself starting all over again, not unlike a former championship sports team. I believe that the hardest part is now over though, and there has been a solid foundation built, which is providing the groundwork for many potential future championship years.

***

 Sometimes I forget that writing brings me peace. Writing is usually the solution to any problem I'm dealing with, and yet I've all but neglected my favorite outlet during the entire year of 2013.

Writing clears the junk in my head, and therefore creates room for happiness. But for the past year, I couldn't even make the effort to sit down and write. I felt very diluted and sort of dumbed-down and couldn't seem to get my head straight and organized enough to take the time to do what I need to do in order to foster my love of writing in 2013.

But my severe writer's block didn't just happen for no reason. My life completely changed in 2013, and I had a desperately difficult time adjusting to my altered existence, including finding the time and energy to sit down and churn out a blog post.

Now let's backtrack a little. You see, the story of my writing rise and eventual demise all started in 2011 when I decided there were two things missing from my life that I desperately wanted: a boyfriend and a career that I loved.

Looking back though, my life was really freakin' great in 2011. I had a steady job and made decent money to pretty much do as I pleased. I had no debt save for a manageable chunk of the pesky student loan variety. I had plenty of time and energy to volunteer, work out, and visit with friends & family. Had I not hated my job so much back then, or weren't so hung up on bemoaning my single status, I'd go so far as to say that my life was pretty damn near perfect. But, as human nature would have it, near perfect wasn't good enough, and I wanted more. I wanted two more things, specifically. BIG things. And although I knew they were BIG, I had no idea back then that actually acquiring a boyfriend and a new career would impact and change my life in ways I'd never have imagined, yet not entirely for the better...

Ok so fast forward to the beginning of 2013, approximately two years after I had stopped dreaming and started pursuing, and I finally had everything I've ever wanted. I should have been overjoyed, right? However, I found myself overwhelmed by the work and responsibility of having both a boyfriend and a demanding career, and was bummed out by the sacrifices it takes to be successful with each. I may have had what I wanted, but it didn't come without sacrificing things I didn't really want to sacrifice, which caused a fucking confusing mess in my head.  

Regarding my new career as a personal trainer, for instance, I had to re-learn how to be as poor as a newly minted and naive college grad as I faced the daunting task of building my business from scratch. And even though I consider myself successful with my career now, I learned early on that personal training is a career in which one can never truly be comfortable, and one can always face a "bad month" following a "good month." Not knowing how much money I'm going to bring in each month is terrifying, and I had some pretty shabby months that caused a lot of stress during 2013.

Additionally, sacrificing a lifestyle I was well-accustomed to prior to my career change was something I was not prepared for when I resigned from Cubeville, USA. I had to give up shopping for pleasure, vacation days, frequently dining out, having enough energy to go out on the weekends, and pretty much doing anything other than work on a week night. Those are the things I loved about my old life, but immediately had to relinquish when I became a personal trainer.

Navigating through the first year of my new career was a difficult road, but make no mistake, it was a road that was dotted with many notable rewards along the way. While I wouldn't change my choice to switch careers, I just wish I hadn't had to sacrifice what made me happy before I switched. 

With regards to entering into a serious relationship and living with a boyfriend for the first time in my life, I learned quickly after becoming a couple that an independent mind doesn't exactly help a relationship to thrive. There was a lot of tension caused by my lack of sharing thoughts and not communicating issues. Being in a relationship with someone and living with them is a million times more difficult than I ever thought it'd be, as I'm not the biggest fan of compromise... or sharing.

My mind was also usually preoccupied with my main man and how his every move affected my life. I realize this is ridiculous and know that kind of thought process deeply hindered my growth and development as a grown ass woman last year, but I didn't know how to make it stop. I was being taught lesson after lesson, but would never really learn anything because I continued to repeat the same harmful patterns of jealousy, despondence, and defensiveness. I created situations in my head regarding the whereabouts or actions of my significant other that were completely false, then I'd proceed to shut down and offer up a heaping portion of passive-aggressive behavior when questioned about my withdrawal or negative attitude.

I recognize that I have the tendency to be really immature in relationships due to my lack of experience with them. There. I admit it. In the past year, I've learned that I'm not always right. In fact, I'm mostly wrong. My feelings are real, but they aren't necessarily justified.

In fact, I spent a lot of time in 2013 feeling as though everyone except me already knows how to navigate through the A,B,C's of relationships as easily as reciting the alphabet. But here I am at 35 years old still learning that L comes before M, which comes before N, which comes before O, etc.

I often wondered (and still do, truth be told) if I'm simply not cut out to be in a relationship, after all. Or at the very least that I'm simply not cut out for marriage. Instead of feeling whole or complete when I'm with someone, I usually feel like an imitation version of myself. The generic equivalent. During the rare periods of time when I am in a relationship, I feel as though I am not able to make simple decisions on my own, and even feel paralyzed by them. I tend to lose the ability to think for myself, and that terrifies me.

I'm incredibly independent by nature, so perhaps nature is constantly reminding me that I need to remain that way so as not to cause a glitch in the Matrix? I'm having a hard time typing this, because who the hell feels like they are better off being alone rather than with the person they do, indeed, love? Like, really, truly, love! That's crazy, right?!

I may have learned a lot of unfavorable qualities about myself during my relationship throughout the past year, but I do feel as if I've grown since learning them, and I'm continuing to learn on a daily basis. I have the good fortune of being with someone who is nothing but honest. And that honesty, although extremely startling and painful at times, is exactly what I need in order to consistently improve myself.

But don't get me wrong, living with a significant other can also be THE FUNNEST!! Having someone around who always makes me laugh and always knows how to reassure me that everything is going to be okay when I have trouble seeing light at the end of the tunnel is something for which I'm eternally thankful. I have a lot of love to give, and nothing makes me happier than coming home after a long day and snuggling up to the one I truly love with all my heart.

I constantly crave peace, order, tranquility and creativity. But for most of 2013, I felt as if I didn't have those things in my life anymore. I recall fondly that I once did have those things. I used to feel smart even around people I considered smarter than me. But for the past year I've been so distracted and/or consumed with dealing with the changes in my life that I felt as though I had nothing to contribute and that my thoughts and opinions were completely nonsensical anyway. I spent a lot of time feeling as though I'm getting older and dumber, not older and wiser. 

But now it's 2014. A blank slate. And I plan to get my life back in order so that I'm happy, organized, motivated and successful in all areas of my life. So how do I plan to do this? Well, for starters, I've already set 14 goals for myself for 2014. As experience has taught me, setting goals - however big or small - really helps me stay organized and usually leads me to bigger and better things. So even if I haven't nailed down my next big life project, I find that setting smaller goals and accomplishing them usually leads me in the right direction. 

Above all, my main goal is to get back to being me. The "me" before the career change, and before the relationship. I miss the Stephanie who blogged regularly, took solo walks that lasted for hours, was organized in every aspect of  her life, spent lots of time with friends, cooked often, read often, watched independent and foreign films, frequently dined at new restaurants, and drank bubbly on the weekends. I miss that Stephanie. She was really freakin' happy. And while I never want to go back to work in an office just to make more money, I want to find a way to be happy with my career and not have to struggle so much financially.

Some sacrifices are required when making life changes, I realize this. But when all the good things before the big change are cancelled out to make room for the new stuff, it's time to question priorities and decide what is truly important in life. Therefore, it's time to "rebuild" my life and work towards reincorporating and holding on to all the good stuff that has and always will make my life so sweet.