Living in the Past 14 Years

I have been far too distracted in my adult life by the things I don't want, rather than focusing on what I do want. If I'm not stressed about my financial situation at any given time, and worrying if I'll ever know what it's like to experience financial freedom, then I'm too concentrated on the fact that I work in a place that is not conducive to me being successful in my career.

I should, in fact, be fantasizing about what it's like to experience financial freedom and figuring out how to achieve it, as well as getting my ass out of my current work environment and figuring out how to do my job in a way that allows me to live up to my full potential.

I have the confidence, experience, and education to do what I want, exactly the way I want it, and yet I feel so out of control of the direction of my life. But if I don't suck it up and take control, who the fuck will?

I'm fucking 37 years old. It is time to do things differently. It is time to do things that will benefit me in the long run, instead of worrying about how behind I am and wondering how I'm going to get through today.

I should know by now that trial and error is okay, as long as I keep moving forward. I really don't have anything to lose, except everything. But I can bounce back from losing everything. I've gotten this far, haven't I?

I crave autonomy in all aspects of my life, especially my career. I can have that autonomy if I just push myself a little harder. Actually, at the present moment life is lighting a fire under my ass to get me moving. The universe has a funny way of doing this to me - to all of us. And I don't resent the universe for making me move. Sometimes the universe has more confidence in me than I do.

Ever since I became a college student and my inner world was exposed to dreams I had never dared to dream, and thoughts I never thought to think, I've seen myself doing something above average with my life. Even when I couldn't pin point what that above average thing was, I knew I was meant to do something different from most folks.

14 years ago, for example, I knew I had to move to the big city. I've also always known that I never wanted to be bogged down with marriage and kids because I knew in my heart I was meant to take a different path. I knew I didn't want to be like everyone else because I've always known that I'm not like everyone else.

When I moved to Chicago 14 years ago this very month, I thought that I was supposed to be a successful business woman, even though anything related to business bored me to tears. I was a receptionist, then an administrative assistant, then an event planner, then a commissions associate. None of those titles thrilled me or felt at all natural for me, but I conjured a fair amount of enthusiasm and gave each role my very best.

I finally switched careers four years ago to do something that lit my insides on fire and made me excited to go to work. And while I still absolutely love what I do, I learned early on that the environment is all wrong for me. A busy, loud, crowded commercial gym is the exact opposite of what is considered an ideal environment for an introvert. But, as with everything I have ever done, I have always given my best, fully knowing that my best in the wrong environment will never be good enough.

I need to stop beating myself up about not fitting in, because I'm holding myself back by doing so. I need to look forward and press on, thankful that I have the ability to do my job differently. I do have the possibility to fulfill my potential and become financially free. It's time. I can't waste any more time bemoaning my current situation when a fulfilling and financially free future awaits.

My Dream to be Drawn to Distraction No More

I keep having this dream where I am on a tropical island but am unable to make it to the beach. All I want is to watch the sunset from the beach and photograph it, but something is always preventing me from doing so. I cannot find my phone, or my phone is not charged, or I'm tending to the people I'm with, or I have to be somewhere at a certain time, etc. There is always a distraction keeping me from standing in the white sand and admiring the aqua water. The island is always different, the people I'm with are always different, but the theme of the dream is essentially the same.

Clearly this dream translates to the fact that I'm being held back from doing the things I really want to in my life. This dream always makes me sad, because it's true.

It's mostly my fault, I'm discovering, because I dwell too much on the past or my current situation, instead of visualizing how things could be different. Things can be better. I just have to change my mindset. Easier said that done for this ruminating gal, but not impossible.

I want to travel. I want to have total career autonomy. I want to experience financial freedom. I'm a hard worker, and I always have been. I'm smart, too. The dreams I have for myself should not be difficult to achieve. Or, because they have been up to this point, they will no longer be going forward.

I will be stuck no more.  I will not let distraction get in the way of living my best life. That's my promise to myself.