And there I go worrying about what others think of me. I'm desperately afraid of judgement. I don't know why I fear opinions of others so much and am seemingly ashamed of my "downs" when I'm perfectly happy with how I'm living my life for the most part. I'm living life. This is what life is about. Ups and downs. Celebrating ups and powering through the downs. No one is meant to be in one state for too long. I realize this. I've accepted this a while ago. It's the same for everyone. So why am I so fearful that I'm so different when I am not?
I think another reason I've chosen to be more private is because although life is a continuous roller coaster, I am generally at peace and I don't want my general inner peace to be overlooked just because I go through rough patches. I am at peace. I don't want to complain. But I suppose there is a difference between simply complaining and discussing my challenges.
While my true authentic self has been revealed more and more during the past few years, the authenticity in my writing content has dwindled. I can't tell you how many "drafts" I've started only to later delete because I don't know how to make them seem less fake and contrived.
Well, brace yourself, because shit is about to get real. I'm about to admit what has been going on with me and tell you exactly how I feel about it. I do care what others think about me even though I wish I didn't. But fuck it. One of my 15 goals for 2015 is to get out of my comfort zone 6 times this year. Spilling my guts, even in blog form, is me jumping way out of my comfort zone.
So, here is what has been happening with me and this is how I feel about it.
***
For one, I'm living on my own again. I've been living in my own place since the middle of November. I haven't told many people about it. I love living on my own even though I can barely afford it. I really love my new place even though I can barely afford it. As if I didn't have to sacrifice enough luxuries when I changed careers, I'v now had to give up hair appointments, wax appointments, eating at restaurants, going to movies, shopping, and any general frivolity other than my daily coffee habit and occasional take out order. So it's a good thing that I really like my new place, for this is where I spend all of my time when I'm not at work.
Although no longer roommates, Fabian is still my best friend in the whole world, and we see each other all the time. In fact, he is the only friend I ever see anymore. I don't know what I'd do without him.
I do not miss having a third roommate. I do not miss music playing when I don't want to hear it. I do not miss messes that were not made by me. I do not miss weird cooking smells. I do not miss obligatory small talk. I do not miss living so effing far from work. (I only shaved about 10 minutes off my commute, but those 10 minutes are essential when I work as early as 6am and as late as 9:30pm.)
I do miss the cheap rent, though. I do miss being with my best friend all the time. I do miss late night PB&J sandwiches and watching Seinfeld and King of Queens before bed. I do miss hugging and kissing someone goodbye in the mornings. I do miss Fabian's Mom's insanely delicious cooking.
But, I'm on my own again which does satisfy my independent spirit. I really do love the apartment I can barely afford.
***
I miss my family. I've been missing them like crazy for nearly two years, and have decided that I will probably, most likely, definitely will, move back to Ohio at some point. As sure as I am about wanting to move back to Ohio, I have a lot of concerns about making it happen.
For instance, will I have to learn to drive all over again? Or is it like riding a bike? How will I afford a car? What kind of job/s should I look for? Is it stupid to even think I could be monetarily successful in Ohio when I'm barely making it in Chicago? Will I get bored with suburban life? When should I move? Do I move in November when my apartment lease is up? Will I be ready by then and by that I mean will I be free of potential regret about my choice? Most importantly, how will I deal with living among all those republicans?! Just kidding. Sort of. Ha.
Another concern of mine is getting too comfortable and content with an average life back in Ohio. Settling down seems so attractive, but I know that something deep inside of me would never be satisfied with simply settling. Not at 36 years old anyway. But I've worked hard for so long on so many things and the end result is never as exciting or as amazing as I imagined. Knowing this, I still can't squelch the voice inside me that pushes me to want to do something more, something better than before.
My motivation for wanting to move back stems entirely from the fact that I want to be with my family though. I've realized in the last few years that most of my favorite memories since I've been an Illinois resident have been when I was either back in Ohio or when my family was visiting me in Chicago. Don't get me wrong, I have had some unforgettably awesome memories with people I've only known since I've lived in Chicago, but the largest quantity of good memories for the last 13 years has been times with my family.
I used to be so proud of my "escape" from Northeastern Ohio, but lately I find myself harboring a deep pride for the place where I was raised. The place where I was happy most of the time. The place that was never against me like I thought. The place where I simply didn't give enough credit where credit was due.
***
Work is a continuous struggle and even though I love my career, there are many drawbacks. I haven't been shy in admitting this particular fact before, but lately I've put up with a lot of shit that makes me wonder if the constant struggle is worth it. I am very passionate about what I do, and I really think that the shit I'm putting up with is just the universe telling me that I need to progress and move on because it is that time. Time to get unstuck.
I love the structure of a corporate gym and that so many potential clients cross my path on a daily basis, but I dislike the fact that I have to work with populations outside of my niche. While this isn't the most terrible thing that can happen to a trainer, it can be frustrating. Don't get me wrong, I have had a lot of success with clients who start from 0 and work their way up, continuously and successfully progressing, but then there are clients who start from 0, or maybe 5 out of 10, and offer so much resistance that my job becomes more difficult than it should be. I don't care if a client complains, it's when they refuse to do the work that pisses me off. On the contrary, a competitive client is no party either. When an ego takes over, results are stifled. This is one rule of fitness that I know to be indisputably true.
The pay at my company is aggressively low, which is discouraging because I dispense 100% of my energy to my clients and while I know they appreciate me, it seems as if the company for which I am making lots and LOTS of money, does not. That is some frustrating shit for this broke ass chick living in an apartment she can barely afford.
Speaking of dispensing all of my energy, I have very little energy to dispense to anyone else -including myself- when I'm not working. This is frustrating because I have so much I want and need to do that my To Do list is 9 miles long. But even when I only work half a day, I'm too wiped out to do anything else. The fact that I work out as hard I as I do is a miracle in and of itself.
So what would be the perfect solution? Well, I would love to see clients from 9 to 2 every day, work out, and then head home with enough energy to do chores and indulge my hobbies. Hahahahaha. Like that would ever be a possibility. As a trainer, we are a slave to our client's schedules. We work when the 9 to 5 peeps do not. We cannot discuss the latest episode of Scandal or whatever because we do not see the latest prime time shows because we are working (not that I could afford cable anyway). We also do not get a full 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night, every night. Our lives are not ruled by routine but rather by constantly shifting schedules, too many clients in a row or in a day, and sometimes too little sessions in a day or a month. Being a personal trainer is not as glamorous as it may seem. We some broke ass peeps, yo! Which is why we work out so much. It's a free activity. And we eat so well because we can't afford to go out to fancy restaurants, or even non-fancy restaurants for that matter.
Even when we are not working we are working. At least I am. I give my clients 24 hour access to my cell so they can ask questions whenever they arise. I love being there for them. I am disappointed when they cancel on me or are not consistent. I don't expect every client to love fitness as much as I do, but if you've investing in me, you should really consider investing in yourself much more than the two hours per week blocked out to see me.
I believe in what I do. I really love what I do. I love working. My God, I love working. But it's time to find a way to make working actually work for me.
***
Friends. Girlfriends, in particular. I used to have some really solid, amazing, fun girlfriends in Chicago. I know they have been mentioned in more than a few blog posts over the last five years.
Ever since I changed careers though, I've been a shitty friend. I'm not totally at fault, but I know I've played a major role in the distance that has been created between us all. I pretty much fell off the face of the earth during that first year of my career change. I was too tired and too broke to do anything with anyone. I wasn't reaching out and I wasn't there when they needed me most. Eventually, the invites from them ceased, and then my friends were no longer there for me. I've seen them sparingly over the past few years, and it's never like what it used to be. Conversations have been very superficial and when they turned a little deeper, the night always ended with me feeling judged and generally "not good enough."
I don't think I've ever really felt "good enough" around them though. I always felt that I was on a lower level than they were regarding education, travel experience, relationship experience, financial status, etc. I always felt like the bottom notch on the totem pole around them. Obviously they never intentionally made me feel this way, as this idea stemmed strictly from my own insecurities. But being away from them for a period of time and then reuniting with them from time to time made me realize that we never had much in common after all. And I really struggled to find common ground with them after my lifestyle had changed so dramatically.
But I miss that female camaraderie. I miss deep discussions about books and general psychology and sociology. I miss sharing glasses of bubbly with them. I miss laughing about the most ridiculous things. I miss the impromptu meet ups on weekends and even dinners on weeknights. We had some fucking awesome times that will always be embedded in my heart. Our trip to Costa Rica in 2010 remains on of my favorite trips off all time, and I still think about it often.
I guess life moves on and friendships shift because people drift. I've changed, and their lives have changed. I just wish I wasn't one of the first to drop out. But maybe it's better that I did so as to avoid feeling abandoned. I don't know. All I do know is that things are different All I can do is accept responsibility my own faults and inadequacies as a friend the past few years and hope that I don't repeat my mistakes in the future.
***
So, yeah, this is my life right now. Ever changing and on the brink of change. I believe all my struggles and doubts only exist to push me forward to where I'm meant to be at any given time. This life isn't easy, but I handle life way better at 36 than I did at 26. Most people dread getting older, but I'm thankful for it. I've made mistakes, I've struggled a lot, but I'm always learning, always growing, always improving myself, and doing so with more confidence and grace with every year that goes by. I'm thankful that while my life situations are constantly up or down, my inner peace stays in tact most of the time.
It's impossible to make sense of how the universe works, but it's very possible and encouraged to embrace how the universe changes us.
