When I was a kid, I often fantasized about being an adult and living on my own. A husband and kids were never in these fantasies, but making my own choices and getting to do what I wanted when I wanted to were definitely the stuff of which my dreams were made.
I remember one instance while sitting at my parent's kitchen table savoring a Girl Scout cookie thinking to myself, "I am going to buy and eat as much of these as I want to when I grow up." And I'm happy to say that at 37, I am truly living the dream.
While grocery shopping recently, I realized that as an adult I am entitled to buy anything I want simply because I want to buy it. If I want pumpkin pie and cheese cubes for dinner, then I have every right to do so. Being single and independent really is just as glorious as I thought it would be when I was a kid.
I've been so annoyed with "adulting" lately that I was relieved at the positive revelation of the good side to being an adult. Typical adult responsibilities like dealing with insurance companies, public transportation, working ridiculous hours, struggling with finances, and general daily tasks can be so annoying and draining, so it's important to seek out the simple pleasures reminding me that worrying is pointless and everything will always be okay. Because as an adult, my primary responsibility is to make sure that everything will be always be okay.
Purchasing random, delicious food is not the only thing that makes being an adult glorious though. As a fitness professional, I do eat healthy most of the time, and working out is a top priority for me. Working out makes me soooooo HAPPY. If I'm feeling down, spending an hour honoring my body and what it does for me immediately changes my perspective on anything negative in my life. The act of being aware of my physical presence and intensely focusing on an exercise immediately elevates my mood and provides me with energy for hours. I am grateful to have a career where I have the freedom to block out time for myself. If all occupations allowed this, I could guarantee we'd live in a healthier, happier world.
Another great thing about being in adult is the wisdom accrued with each passing year. In 2015 I have learned that I must never let anyone (especially someone I consider a friend) make me feel like I am a bad person just because I live my life by my own terms and follow my own path to fulfill my needs and dreams. I learned that it takes honest, true friends to help me uncover such bits of wisdom. At 37 years old I have been able to filter my friends so that only the truest remain. And those who remain are respectful of my choices, supportive regarding the challenges I face, and are not put off by the time and distance separating us. This may be one of the most important lessons I've learned as an adult. Being separated but not alienated from true friends is crucial for my well-being.
Adulting is a pain in the ass most of the time, but it's not too difficult to remember all of the wonderful things that come along with being an adult, even if it's as simple as choosing pumpkin pie and cheese cubes for dinner.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Life of a Career Changer - Year 3
"Don't get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life."
My third year of personal training has been a roller coaster ride of unimaginable heights and speeds. I went from being the Top Trainer at the beginning of my 3rd year to hitting my lowest session count in over a year during the spring, to turning everything around to be the Top Trainer again this summer.
There were more challenges with clients this year than ever before, but there were also that many more rewards. I've said it before and I'll say it again - my clients are the reason I do what I do. I am committed to them and their success, and I wish there was more time in the day so I could dedicate even more time to them. I truly believe that what I do is important, and I feel that I do a pretty good job of it. It's also a lot of FUN. Sometimes when I put too much pressure on myself, I have to remind myself that what I am doing is a great stress reliever for my clients, and even though they are getting their butts kicked, it's also an opportunity to have FUN. That is why I have stuck around for so long regardless of the struggles.
Speaking of struggles, perhaps the biggest struggle as a personal trainer is dealing with how much of my social life I've given up just to be successful at my job. I know it sounds dramatic, but for an extreme introvert like me, being "on" for so many hours in a week completely drains and exhausts me to the point that making plans with anyone, no matter how much I enjoy them and their company, seems impossible. Impossible not because I don't have the time (although that is a big factor), but impossible because I have zero energy and attention left to give.
No one understands me though. No one could possibly understand what I feel at the end of the day and week unless they have a similar temperament to mine and are doing what I'm doing for a living. Working in a chaotic, loud, busy environment is too much for my nervous system to handle on a daily basis. Talking, talking, talking, and exuding positive energy at all times wears down my battery faster than an iPhone 5. I require A LOT of down time to recharge and recover my nervous system just to feel like a normal person again, and unfortunately that means I don't have time for much else.
I usually get blank stares when I try to explain myself to most people about how I'm feeling most of the time. But imagine showing up to work at 6am after only 4 hours of sleep with a killer hangover and having to be at your best self for your client while being observed and judged by countless other people? Sounds horrible, right? I feel like this every morning - except there is no alcohol involved. Imagine being at work at 9pm on the same day you got to work at 6am and are still nursing that hangover 15 hours later? This is how I feel most of the time. Sometimes I don't know how I get through my own workouts except that not having to talk during that time refuels me for a bit.
This physical and mental exhaustion has not only cost me time with friends over the years, but it's prevented me from going out and meeting new people and having new experiences all together. Additionally, I was particularly disappointed a couple weeks ago when I was at my cousin's wedding and my feet hurt too much to dance (a result of developing plantar fasciitis from standing at work all day long) and I was too wiped out to seek out and visit with cousins, aunts, and uncles who I only get to see once or twice a year. I didn't have as much fun with my family as I wanted to at that wedding because I'm perpetually tired from work. What kind of life am I living if I'm giving up my life to make a living?
So what do I do? My career is important to me. I love working with my clients. I cannot stress this enough. They are incredible people who teach me so much even when I'm teaching them. I believe the work is important and I believe I'm good at what I do. But how long can I keep sacrificing friendships, new experiences and time with family? I work with a boatload of extroverts, and even though many of them work as much as I do and are also tired, they all manage to find the energy to hang out together. I've declined invites from them so many times that they don't even bother to ask me anymore. This makes me sad, but on the other hand, I get it. I always say no. And I don't say no because I don't want to join them - I say no because I'm too tired and need to restore and reserve my energy for the next day so I can honor the value of the investment that my clients have made in me and themselves.
I think if I had my own private personal training studio then things would change dramatically for me. It would be one-on-one or very small group training, and non-shitty music would be played at a reasonable volume. Also, no one would be allowed to slam weights. Grunting is the only obnoxious noise that would be accepted though, because lets face it - when you are working hard enough, sometimes ya gotta grunt!
Ahh an introverted girl can dream...
An introverted girl can also turn her dreams into reality is she wants something badly enough...
My third year of personal training has been a roller coaster ride of unimaginable heights and speeds. I went from being the Top Trainer at the beginning of my 3rd year to hitting my lowest session count in over a year during the spring, to turning everything around to be the Top Trainer again this summer.
There were more challenges with clients this year than ever before, but there were also that many more rewards. I've said it before and I'll say it again - my clients are the reason I do what I do. I am committed to them and their success, and I wish there was more time in the day so I could dedicate even more time to them. I truly believe that what I do is important, and I feel that I do a pretty good job of it. It's also a lot of FUN. Sometimes when I put too much pressure on myself, I have to remind myself that what I am doing is a great stress reliever for my clients, and even though they are getting their butts kicked, it's also an opportunity to have FUN. That is why I have stuck around for so long regardless of the struggles.
Speaking of struggles, perhaps the biggest struggle as a personal trainer is dealing with how much of my social life I've given up just to be successful at my job. I know it sounds dramatic, but for an extreme introvert like me, being "on" for so many hours in a week completely drains and exhausts me to the point that making plans with anyone, no matter how much I enjoy them and their company, seems impossible. Impossible not because I don't have the time (although that is a big factor), but impossible because I have zero energy and attention left to give.
No one understands me though. No one could possibly understand what I feel at the end of the day and week unless they have a similar temperament to mine and are doing what I'm doing for a living. Working in a chaotic, loud, busy environment is too much for my nervous system to handle on a daily basis. Talking, talking, talking, and exuding positive energy at all times wears down my battery faster than an iPhone 5. I require A LOT of down time to recharge and recover my nervous system just to feel like a normal person again, and unfortunately that means I don't have time for much else.
I usually get blank stares when I try to explain myself to most people about how I'm feeling most of the time. But imagine showing up to work at 6am after only 4 hours of sleep with a killer hangover and having to be at your best self for your client while being observed and judged by countless other people? Sounds horrible, right? I feel like this every morning - except there is no alcohol involved. Imagine being at work at 9pm on the same day you got to work at 6am and are still nursing that hangover 15 hours later? This is how I feel most of the time. Sometimes I don't know how I get through my own workouts except that not having to talk during that time refuels me for a bit.
This physical and mental exhaustion has not only cost me time with friends over the years, but it's prevented me from going out and meeting new people and having new experiences all together. Additionally, I was particularly disappointed a couple weeks ago when I was at my cousin's wedding and my feet hurt too much to dance (a result of developing plantar fasciitis from standing at work all day long) and I was too wiped out to seek out and visit with cousins, aunts, and uncles who I only get to see once or twice a year. I didn't have as much fun with my family as I wanted to at that wedding because I'm perpetually tired from work. What kind of life am I living if I'm giving up my life to make a living?
So what do I do? My career is important to me. I love working with my clients. I cannot stress this enough. They are incredible people who teach me so much even when I'm teaching them. I believe the work is important and I believe I'm good at what I do. But how long can I keep sacrificing friendships, new experiences and time with family? I work with a boatload of extroverts, and even though many of them work as much as I do and are also tired, they all manage to find the energy to hang out together. I've declined invites from them so many times that they don't even bother to ask me anymore. This makes me sad, but on the other hand, I get it. I always say no. And I don't say no because I don't want to join them - I say no because I'm too tired and need to restore and reserve my energy for the next day so I can honor the value of the investment that my clients have made in me and themselves.
I think if I had my own private personal training studio then things would change dramatically for me. It would be one-on-one or very small group training, and non-shitty music would be played at a reasonable volume. Also, no one would be allowed to slam weights. Grunting is the only obnoxious noise that would be accepted though, because lets face it - when you are working hard enough, sometimes ya gotta grunt!
Ahh an introverted girl can dream...
An introverted girl can also turn her dreams into reality is she wants something badly enough...
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Independence and The City
Why did I move to Chicago 13 years ago?
What was it about the big city that drew me in and pulled me away from the family I adore?
I guess the architecture appealed to me. Tall buildings loaded with history have always fascinated me, and I simply wasn't getting my fill of dramatic architecture in Ohio.
The ability to stroll aimlessly and live without a car appealed to me too. The diverse population, the unique neighborhoods, and the running path along the lake were also attractive attributes.
In any case, I knew that in 2002 at 23 years old that I was not interested in getting married or having kids and "settling down." And people my age in Ohio at the time were beginning to head in that direction. But I was far too restless to settle. (I still am, truth be told.) But I knew that in Chicago I'd live among like-minded individuals who could relate to my desire for fun and adventure and success.
But something else drove me here, too. Something more powerful than anything else, yet has always been difficult for me to admit. The idea of falling in love drove me here too. Sooooo cliche and way too Sex and The City, right?! The idea of meeting a smart, fun, and funny companion all but consumed when I arrived in the big city. While I've been lucky enough to have a few jabs at love during the 13 years I've called Chicago home, I've also experienced all-consuming heartbreak as a consequence.
As much as the idea of love consumed me when I first moved here, I have never been comfortable with the idea of relinquishing my independence. I want to be given all of the love and I want to give all of my love, but I also want all of the freedom and space. That doesn't even make sense yet it sounds completely perfect to me. I don't want to get married, I don't want children, but I want to be completely loyal to someone and want them to be completely loyal to me.
I've been accused of not knowing what I want, and that has been a fair accusation since I never feel like I can explain myself in a way that anyone could understand. But I do know exactly what I want, and I have always known, even if I was too afraid to admit it to myself for most of my life. And since what I want doesn't fit into most molds or ideals of how a relationship should work, I've had a tremendously terrible time with the opposite sex. I get that my ideals are not everyone's cup of tea. But most people's ideals are not my cup of tea, either. Therein lies my life-long dilemma.
It took me many years and a lot of heartbreak to finally admit what I want and to accept that what I want isn't easy to find. In fact, what I want may be unique to me and may not even exist at all.
Additionally, after 13 years, I realize now that Chicago wasn't necessarily where I needed to be to fall in love. I know now that I could have fallen in love anywhere, even in good ol' Ohio. But it may be impossible to find someone who wants the same things as me no matter where I am in the world. This sort of breaks my heart, as I very much love to love.
At the same time that I consider a grim reality, I also choose to hold out hope. With so many different lifestyles being lived freely (if not without judgement) in this day and age, maybe it's not so impossible to find someone who loves to love and loves to be independent as much as I do.
I've been accused of not knowing what I want, and that has been a fair accusation since I never feel like I can explain myself in a way that anyone could understand. But I do know exactly what I want, and I have always known, even if I was too afraid to admit it to myself for most of my life. And since what I want doesn't fit into most molds or ideals of how a relationship should work, I've had a tremendously terrible time with the opposite sex. I get that my ideals are not everyone's cup of tea. But most people's ideals are not my cup of tea, either. Therein lies my life-long dilemma.
It took me many years and a lot of heartbreak to finally admit what I want and to accept that what I want isn't easy to find. In fact, what I want may be unique to me and may not even exist at all.
Additionally, after 13 years, I realize now that Chicago wasn't necessarily where I needed to be to fall in love. I know now that I could have fallen in love anywhere, even in good ol' Ohio. But it may be impossible to find someone who wants the same things as me no matter where I am in the world. This sort of breaks my heart, as I very much love to love.
At the same time that I consider a grim reality, I also choose to hold out hope. With so many different lifestyles being lived freely (if not without judgement) in this day and age, maybe it's not so impossible to find someone who loves to love and loves to be independent as much as I do.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Tales of an Alpha Female Bad Ass
Fuuuuuucccckkkk yeeeeaaahhh! I 'm an Alpha Female Bad Ass! Wooooo!!!
*Clears throat* Pardon me for completely forgetting who I was for a while. For too long of a while. Life tried to drown me in an icy pool of self-pity this winter, and even though I'd come up for a big gulp of air every once in a while, I would quickly find myself back under water.
Allowing myself to drown in self pity is not me though. I mean, I've gone through enough struggles in my life, but I usually pull myself up and out quickly with graceful determination.
My wonderful Aunt Denise tagged me in an article on Facebook today listing the characteristics of an "Alpha Female Bad Ass." Hell yeah! My whole life I've been an independent, strong-willed fighter, and yet this winter I lost that sense of self.
Well, winter is fucking over. This past month I saddled up my big girl boot straps (errr, however the saying goes) and got to work reigniting my passion for my profession and working hard to stop any "victim mentality" tendencies that threatened to overtake me.
I obtained some new clients at work who are focused and ready to work because they have real goals to reach, and they are counting on me to kick their butts and hold them accountable - a responsibility I do not take lightly. I also worked hard to get a few past clients back into the gym and inspired them to set some real goals for themselves. It motivates me to motivate them, and I am excited to be good and busy again at work.
I also have a new manager at work who is female. Her gender is important to note because I was a bit skeptical prior to meeting her after the worst boss I've ever had in the past was female. But my new manager has squashed all my fears and has brought a new, positive energy to my work environment. In fact, I was a bit taken aback last week when I was reading a fitness article and she just sat down next to me to chat about my experience with the company and my goals for the future. She also asks me for my input and values my opinion. I've never really experienced that before, but it has reminded me that after pushing aside all my insecurities, I can look in the mirror and see a confident woman who takes her profession very seriously.
And just today, another trainer who is new to the business but not much younger than me, came to me with tears in her eyes asking for advice on how to be more organized. I empathized because I know exactly how it feels to be overwhelmed when dealing with a new career, and sharing my experience with her along with what works for me reminded me that I am fully capable of being a leader despite my introverted personality.
During the first few months after moving to Chicago 13 years ago, I was incredibly poor and was having difficulty getting my old life in Ohio transferred to my new life in the big city. I was frustrated beyond belief dealing with real, actual, adult responsibilities for the first time in my life. My Dad, back in Ohio and somewhat unsympathetic to my situation, sent a note containing no more than $2, which he specified was to be put toward an "ice cream cone." I was definitely hoping to see a $50 bill in that note, but instead he wrote, "There will always be some problems, but that's life. Welcome to the real world." He was right. As a result, I did not choose to lay down and die. I worked my ass off to make everything work. Because that is who I am. I am a fighter. I am an ALPHA FEMALE BAD ASS, dammit!
Along with the 2 bucks, which I absolutely put toward an ice cream cone, my Dad also sent this quote which is never far from my mind when I'm struggling with life:
"Attacking is the only secret. Dare, and the world always yields; or, if it beats you down sometimes, dare it again, and it will succumb." - William Makepeace Thackeray
*Clears throat* Pardon me for completely forgetting who I was for a while. For too long of a while. Life tried to drown me in an icy pool of self-pity this winter, and even though I'd come up for a big gulp of air every once in a while, I would quickly find myself back under water.
Allowing myself to drown in self pity is not me though. I mean, I've gone through enough struggles in my life, but I usually pull myself up and out quickly with graceful determination.
My wonderful Aunt Denise tagged me in an article on Facebook today listing the characteristics of an "Alpha Female Bad Ass." Hell yeah! My whole life I've been an independent, strong-willed fighter, and yet this winter I lost that sense of self.
Well, winter is fucking over. This past month I saddled up my big girl boot straps (errr, however the saying goes) and got to work reigniting my passion for my profession and working hard to stop any "victim mentality" tendencies that threatened to overtake me.
I obtained some new clients at work who are focused and ready to work because they have real goals to reach, and they are counting on me to kick their butts and hold them accountable - a responsibility I do not take lightly. I also worked hard to get a few past clients back into the gym and inspired them to set some real goals for themselves. It motivates me to motivate them, and I am excited to be good and busy again at work.
I also have a new manager at work who is female. Her gender is important to note because I was a bit skeptical prior to meeting her after the worst boss I've ever had in the past was female. But my new manager has squashed all my fears and has brought a new, positive energy to my work environment. In fact, I was a bit taken aback last week when I was reading a fitness article and she just sat down next to me to chat about my experience with the company and my goals for the future. She also asks me for my input and values my opinion. I've never really experienced that before, but it has reminded me that after pushing aside all my insecurities, I can look in the mirror and see a confident woman who takes her profession very seriously.
And just today, another trainer who is new to the business but not much younger than me, came to me with tears in her eyes asking for advice on how to be more organized. I empathized because I know exactly how it feels to be overwhelmed when dealing with a new career, and sharing my experience with her along with what works for me reminded me that I am fully capable of being a leader despite my introverted personality.
During the first few months after moving to Chicago 13 years ago, I was incredibly poor and was having difficulty getting my old life in Ohio transferred to my new life in the big city. I was frustrated beyond belief dealing with real, actual, adult responsibilities for the first time in my life. My Dad, back in Ohio and somewhat unsympathetic to my situation, sent a note containing no more than $2, which he specified was to be put toward an "ice cream cone." I was definitely hoping to see a $50 bill in that note, but instead he wrote, "There will always be some problems, but that's life. Welcome to the real world." He was right. As a result, I did not choose to lay down and die. I worked my ass off to make everything work. Because that is who I am. I am a fighter. I am an ALPHA FEMALE BAD ASS, dammit!
Along with the 2 bucks, which I absolutely put toward an ice cream cone, my Dad also sent this quote which is never far from my mind when I'm struggling with life:
"Attacking is the only secret. Dare, and the world always yields; or, if it beats you down sometimes, dare it again, and it will succumb." - William Makepeace Thackeray
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Ruts and Glory
Years ago I was going through a tough time in my life where I was desperately unhappy with my job and suffering from a serious financial crisis. I felt incredibly sad and angry for being in such a terrible life situation, yet I couldn't stop my feelings of hopelessness and despair, and therefore I couldn't find the motivation to find my way out of my rut.
I also felt upset that I felt so low and that I wasn't automatically able to "get over it" no matter how hard I tried. I recall having a dream around that time that I had fallen into a sink hole, but instead of screaming for help and fighting for a way out, I just stayed there. Calm. Unable to move. I allowed myself to relax and didn't bother putting up a fight. I trusted that if I were meant to find a way out, I'd find a way out. That dream was very alarming to me at the time, and I wondered if I was in fact ready to give up on life.
But not long after that dream, I allowed myself to calm down and relax in my waking life despite whatever troubles I was experiencing, and instead of giving up, I eventually found the motivation to take action.
Why do we as humans always feel so guilty for experiencing negative feelings from time to time though? Why do we insist on shelving our negative emotions, when our emotions are true and authentic and beg to be experienced? The more we resist our true feelings, the longer they are perpetuated, making us feel too paralyzed to take action. I have the tendency to do this to myself a lot.
I'm going through another tough time in my life, and I'll admit I've been stewing over things that are wrong instead of appreciating things that are right. I've felt pressure to take action to fix things even with having zero idea of what steps to take. As a result, I've been feeling paralyzed again. Stuck in a rut.
But this weekend I recalled the book I read last summer called, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. The Power of Now suggests embracing whatever we are feeling at any given time. By giving in to our feelings, we go through them, not over them, which leads us to clear our minds and regain a positive attitude. Embracing our feelings, no matter how unpleasant, validates them, but also makes us realize we don't want to feel them for too long, and therefore compels us to take action.
I also read a few articles this weekend about the positive side to losing your shit and the importance of practicing emotional first aid. I've been so quick to panic and worry about my life situation, and then quick to panic and worry because I'm feeling so down. But I forgot that I'm not the only one to experience this kind of thing.
I also forgot that Stephanie Madden doesn't simply believe in "getting over it," which is a very harsh and unattainable idea. If it were so easy to "get over it," then psychologists and self help books wouldn't exist. I think one needs to "go through it" in order to come out stronger. At least I find that it helps me to "go through it" in order to rekindle my motivation to move forward and achieve.
So, for the last few days I chose to allow myself to ignore everything and just feel whatever I was feeling, no matter how unpleasant. And a funny thing happened as a consequence. I woke up this beautiful Sunday morning with a strong desire to accomplish, create, and cross things off my To Do list. I didn't feel hopeless this morning, I felt hopeful. I felt positive that I would have a productive day, and I did. I'm not 100% in the clear of negative emotions, but not being perfectly content is what makes us want to move forward in the first place. Pushing everything aside until I was ready to face it properly was an important exercise for me in not letting myself spiral out of control into a sinkhole of sadness.
As with strength training, actual strength is gained during recovery. The very same principle applies to life. With a little R&R and emotional first aid, it is possible recover ourselves and find our way out of a rut.
It's important (although not easy) to let everything go that isn't totally in your control and trust in yourself and God that things will eventually turn around. They always do. Things always turn around when you are emotionally ready and willing to find the energy to turn negative into positive.
I also felt upset that I felt so low and that I wasn't automatically able to "get over it" no matter how hard I tried. I recall having a dream around that time that I had fallen into a sink hole, but instead of screaming for help and fighting for a way out, I just stayed there. Calm. Unable to move. I allowed myself to relax and didn't bother putting up a fight. I trusted that if I were meant to find a way out, I'd find a way out. That dream was very alarming to me at the time, and I wondered if I was in fact ready to give up on life.
But not long after that dream, I allowed myself to calm down and relax in my waking life despite whatever troubles I was experiencing, and instead of giving up, I eventually found the motivation to take action.
Why do we as humans always feel so guilty for experiencing negative feelings from time to time though? Why do we insist on shelving our negative emotions, when our emotions are true and authentic and beg to be experienced? The more we resist our true feelings, the longer they are perpetuated, making us feel too paralyzed to take action. I have the tendency to do this to myself a lot.
I'm going through another tough time in my life, and I'll admit I've been stewing over things that are wrong instead of appreciating things that are right. I've felt pressure to take action to fix things even with having zero idea of what steps to take. As a result, I've been feeling paralyzed again. Stuck in a rut.
But this weekend I recalled the book I read last summer called, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. The Power of Now suggests embracing whatever we are feeling at any given time. By giving in to our feelings, we go through them, not over them, which leads us to clear our minds and regain a positive attitude. Embracing our feelings, no matter how unpleasant, validates them, but also makes us realize we don't want to feel them for too long, and therefore compels us to take action.
I also read a few articles this weekend about the positive side to losing your shit and the importance of practicing emotional first aid. I've been so quick to panic and worry about my life situation, and then quick to panic and worry because I'm feeling so down. But I forgot that I'm not the only one to experience this kind of thing.
I also forgot that Stephanie Madden doesn't simply believe in "getting over it," which is a very harsh and unattainable idea. If it were so easy to "get over it," then psychologists and self help books wouldn't exist. I think one needs to "go through it" in order to come out stronger. At least I find that it helps me to "go through it" in order to rekindle my motivation to move forward and achieve.
So, for the last few days I chose to allow myself to ignore everything and just feel whatever I was feeling, no matter how unpleasant. And a funny thing happened as a consequence. I woke up this beautiful Sunday morning with a strong desire to accomplish, create, and cross things off my To Do list. I didn't feel hopeless this morning, I felt hopeful. I felt positive that I would have a productive day, and I did. I'm not 100% in the clear of negative emotions, but not being perfectly content is what makes us want to move forward in the first place. Pushing everything aside until I was ready to face it properly was an important exercise for me in not letting myself spiral out of control into a sinkhole of sadness.
As with strength training, actual strength is gained during recovery. The very same principle applies to life. With a little R&R and emotional first aid, it is possible recover ourselves and find our way out of a rut.
It's important (although not easy) to let everything go that isn't totally in your control and trust in yourself and God that things will eventually turn around. They always do. Things always turn around when you are emotionally ready and willing to find the energy to turn negative into positive.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Decidedly Undecided
I hate making decisions. I'm a Libra, so it makes perfect sense that I crave balance and have trouble choosing one thing over another, as I'm constantly weighing the pros and cons of all my choices. Having to make decisions drives me crazy, and I'm never fully convinced I made the right choice anyway, which can be totally depressing.
I realized recently that being a kid means not having to make decisions, yet it still means being able to fully enjoy an ever-changing and evolving life. For instance, as a kid you go from 7th grade to 8th grade, you transition from middle school to high school, you always get a break during summer, you don't have to decide what's for dinner, etc.
But being an adult means constantly seeking the motivation to evolve. Even when you know your current situation is stagnant or unsatisfying and that it's simply time to move on, the mere thought of the process required for change is very daunting when you have no idea what you should do next.
How do we figure out what to do with no instructions laid out before us? How do we know that whatever we choose won't be a total bonehead move loaded with repercussions that will take too long to reverse? We don't know. We'll never know. Because there is no set transition from 30th grade to 31st grade with a customary summer break in between or whatever.
When I was miserable working in Corporate America, every idea I had to change was usually shot down when I began to research my options. For example, more schooling would be too costly, doing such and such would pay too little, etc.
But several years ago I decided to jump ship anyway to become a personal trainer, fully knowing that I would be making less money in my new career. I've managed to survive, but barely.
This time, however, my desire to change warrants more opportunities for me because I am a fitness professional, but I am overwhelmed at the thought of where to begin to make a change. I'd love to be an independent trainer, but I'm worried that my ever-fluctuating self-confidence would get in my way of sustaining a successful business. That, and relying on others for my income is an already scary reality I deal with at my current job in a big box gym where clients are abundant, but not always consistent.
So how do I believe in myself more? How do I develop the perpetual self-confidence it takes to be my own boss? I've always pictured business owners as confident, aggressive, perpetually self-motivated people who don't know the meaning of self-doubt, and I feel as if I am the direct opposite of all those things.
I feel like I have no business running my own business and maybe I should just learn to get comfortable with being told what to do for the rest of my working years. Maybe I need to accept that there will always be someone above me making money off of my efforts while I earn a paltry sum for my hard work.
Cripes. That sounds so fucking miserable.
...Aaaaand I think I found my motivation.
I realized recently that being a kid means not having to make decisions, yet it still means being able to fully enjoy an ever-changing and evolving life. For instance, as a kid you go from 7th grade to 8th grade, you transition from middle school to high school, you always get a break during summer, you don't have to decide what's for dinner, etc.
But being an adult means constantly seeking the motivation to evolve. Even when you know your current situation is stagnant or unsatisfying and that it's simply time to move on, the mere thought of the process required for change is very daunting when you have no idea what you should do next.
How do we figure out what to do with no instructions laid out before us? How do we know that whatever we choose won't be a total bonehead move loaded with repercussions that will take too long to reverse? We don't know. We'll never know. Because there is no set transition from 30th grade to 31st grade with a customary summer break in between or whatever.
When I was miserable working in Corporate America, every idea I had to change was usually shot down when I began to research my options. For example, more schooling would be too costly, doing such and such would pay too little, etc.
But several years ago I decided to jump ship anyway to become a personal trainer, fully knowing that I would be making less money in my new career. I've managed to survive, but barely.
This time, however, my desire to change warrants more opportunities for me because I am a fitness professional, but I am overwhelmed at the thought of where to begin to make a change. I'd love to be an independent trainer, but I'm worried that my ever-fluctuating self-confidence would get in my way of sustaining a successful business. That, and relying on others for my income is an already scary reality I deal with at my current job in a big box gym where clients are abundant, but not always consistent.
So how do I believe in myself more? How do I develop the perpetual self-confidence it takes to be my own boss? I've always pictured business owners as confident, aggressive, perpetually self-motivated people who don't know the meaning of self-doubt, and I feel as if I am the direct opposite of all those things.
I feel like I have no business running my own business and maybe I should just learn to get comfortable with being told what to do for the rest of my working years. Maybe I need to accept that there will always be someone above me making money off of my efforts while I earn a paltry sum for my hard work.
Cripes. That sounds so fucking miserable.
...Aaaaand I think I found my motivation.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Shit Just Got Real
My blog is 5 years old. Holy shit. My blog is 5 years old. I realize I haven't written much in the last 2.5 years, as I've been living a decidedly more private life. I used to broadcast my struggles, doubts, changes, love life, and random observations without a second thought in my blog posts, but I've been through so many ups and downs the past few years that I'm afraid that if I were broadcasting all that was happening with me as it were happening, you might think I'm insane.
And there I go worrying about what others think of me. I'm desperately afraid of judgement. I don't know why I fear opinions of others so much and am seemingly ashamed of my "downs" when I'm perfectly happy with how I'm living my life for the most part. I'm living life. This is what life is about. Ups and downs. Celebrating ups and powering through the downs. No one is meant to be in one state for too long. I realize this. I've accepted this a while ago. It's the same for everyone. So why am I so fearful that I'm so different when I am not?
I think another reason I've chosen to be more private is because although life is a continuous roller coaster, I am generally at peace and I don't want my general inner peace to be overlooked just because I go through rough patches. I am at peace. I don't want to complain. But I suppose there is a difference between simply complaining and discussing my challenges.
While my true authentic self has been revealed more and more during the past few years, the authenticity in my writing content has dwindled. I can't tell you how many "drafts" I've started only to later delete because I don't know how to make them seem less fake and contrived.
Well, brace yourself, because shit is about to get real. I'm about to admit what has been going on with me and tell you exactly how I feel about it. I do care what others think about me even though I wish I didn't. But fuck it. One of my 15 goals for 2015 is to get out of my comfort zone 6 times this year. Spilling my guts, even in blog form, is me jumping way out of my comfort zone.
So, here is what has been happening with me and this is how I feel about it.
***
For one, I'm living on my own again. I've been living in my own place since the middle of November. I haven't told many people about it. I love living on my own even though I can barely afford it. I really love my new place even though I can barely afford it. As if I didn't have to sacrifice enough luxuries when I changed careers, I'v now had to give up hair appointments, wax appointments, eating at restaurants, going to movies, shopping, and any general frivolity other than my daily coffee habit and occasional take out order. So it's a good thing that I really like my new place, for this is where I spend all of my time when I'm not at work.
Although no longer roommates, Fabian is still my best friend in the whole world, and we see each other all the time. In fact, he is the only friend I ever see anymore. I don't know what I'd do without him.
I do not miss having a third roommate. I do not miss music playing when I don't want to hear it. I do not miss messes that were not made by me. I do not miss weird cooking smells. I do not miss obligatory small talk. I do not miss living so effing far from work. (I only shaved about 10 minutes off my commute, but those 10 minutes are essential when I work as early as 6am and as late as 9:30pm.)
I do miss the cheap rent, though. I do miss being with my best friend all the time. I do miss late night PB&J sandwiches and watching Seinfeld and King of Queens before bed. I do miss hugging and kissing someone goodbye in the mornings. I do miss Fabian's Mom's insanely delicious cooking.
But, I'm on my own again which does satisfy my independent spirit. I really do love the apartment I can barely afford.
***
I miss my family. I've been missing them like crazy for nearly two years, and have decided that I will probably, most likely, definitely will, move back to Ohio at some point. As sure as I am about wanting to move back to Ohio, I have a lot of concerns about making it happen.
For instance, will I have to learn to drive all over again? Or is it like riding a bike? How will I afford a car? What kind of job/s should I look for? Is it stupid to even think I could be monetarily successful in Ohio when I'm barely making it in Chicago? Will I get bored with suburban life? When should I move? Do I move in November when my apartment lease is up? Will I be ready by then and by that I mean will I be free of potential regret about my choice? Most importantly, how will I deal with living among all those republicans?! Just kidding. Sort of. Ha.
Another concern of mine is getting too comfortable and content with an average life back in Ohio. Settling down seems so attractive, but I know that something deep inside of me would never be satisfied with simply settling. Not at 36 years old anyway. But I've worked hard for so long on so many things and the end result is never as exciting or as amazing as I imagined. Knowing this, I still can't squelch the voice inside me that pushes me to want to do something more, something better than before.
My motivation for wanting to move back stems entirely from the fact that I want to be with my family though. I've realized in the last few years that most of my favorite memories since I've been an Illinois resident have been when I was either back in Ohio or when my family was visiting me in Chicago. Don't get me wrong, I have had some unforgettably awesome memories with people I've only known since I've lived in Chicago, but the largest quantity of good memories for the last 13 years has been times with my family.
I used to be so proud of my "escape" from Northeastern Ohio, but lately I find myself harboring a deep pride for the place where I was raised. The place where I was happy most of the time. The place that was never against me like I thought. The place where I simply didn't give enough credit where credit was due.
***
Work is a continuous struggle and even though I love my career, there are many drawbacks. I haven't been shy in admitting this particular fact before, but lately I've put up with a lot of shit that makes me wonder if the constant struggle is worth it. I am very passionate about what I do, and I really think that the shit I'm putting up with is just the universe telling me that I need to progress and move on because it is that time. Time to get unstuck.
I love the structure of a corporate gym and that so many potential clients cross my path on a daily basis, but I dislike the fact that I have to work with populations outside of my niche. While this isn't the most terrible thing that can happen to a trainer, it can be frustrating. Don't get me wrong, I have had a lot of success with clients who start from 0 and work their way up, continuously and successfully progressing, but then there are clients who start from 0, or maybe 5 out of 10, and offer so much resistance that my job becomes more difficult than it should be. I don't care if a client complains, it's when they refuse to do the work that pisses me off. On the contrary, a competitive client is no party either. When an ego takes over, results are stifled. This is one rule of fitness that I know to be indisputably true.
The pay at my company is aggressively low, which is discouraging because I dispense 100% of my energy to my clients and while I know they appreciate me, it seems as if the company for which I am making lots and LOTS of money, does not. That is some frustrating shit for this broke ass chick living in an apartment she can barely afford.
Speaking of dispensing all of my energy, I have very little energy to dispense to anyone else -including myself- when I'm not working. This is frustrating because I have so much I want and need to do that my To Do list is 9 miles long. But even when I only work half a day, I'm too wiped out to do anything else. The fact that I work out as hard I as I do is a miracle in and of itself.
So what would be the perfect solution? Well, I would love to see clients from 9 to 2 every day, work out, and then head home with enough energy to do chores and indulge my hobbies. Hahahahaha. Like that would ever be a possibility. As a trainer, we are a slave to our client's schedules. We work when the 9 to 5 peeps do not. We cannot discuss the latest episode of Scandal or whatever because we do not see the latest prime time shows because we are working (not that I could afford cable anyway). We also do not get a full 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night, every night. Our lives are not ruled by routine but rather by constantly shifting schedules, too many clients in a row or in a day, and sometimes too little sessions in a day or a month. Being a personal trainer is not as glamorous as it may seem. We some broke ass peeps, yo! Which is why we work out so much. It's a free activity. And we eat so well because we can't afford to go out to fancy restaurants, or even non-fancy restaurants for that matter.
Even when we are not working we are working. At least I am. I give my clients 24 hour access to my cell so they can ask questions whenever they arise. I love being there for them. I am disappointed when they cancel on me or are not consistent. I don't expect every client to love fitness as much as I do, but if you've investing in me, you should really consider investing in yourself much more than the two hours per week blocked out to see me.
I believe in what I do. I really love what I do. I love working. My God, I love working. But it's time to find a way to make working actually work for me.
***
Friends. Girlfriends, in particular. I used to have some really solid, amazing, fun girlfriends in Chicago. I know they have been mentioned in more than a few blog posts over the last five years.
Ever since I changed careers though, I've been a shitty friend. I'm not totally at fault, but I know I've played a major role in the distance that has been created between us all. I pretty much fell off the face of the earth during that first year of my career change. I was too tired and too broke to do anything with anyone. I wasn't reaching out and I wasn't there when they needed me most. Eventually, the invites from them ceased, and then my friends were no longer there for me. I've seen them sparingly over the past few years, and it's never like what it used to be. Conversations have been very superficial and when they turned a little deeper, the night always ended with me feeling judged and generally "not good enough."
I don't think I've ever really felt "good enough" around them though. I always felt that I was on a lower level than they were regarding education, travel experience, relationship experience, financial status, etc. I always felt like the bottom notch on the totem pole around them. Obviously they never intentionally made me feel this way, as this idea stemmed strictly from my own insecurities. But being away from them for a period of time and then reuniting with them from time to time made me realize that we never had much in common after all. And I really struggled to find common ground with them after my lifestyle had changed so dramatically.
But I miss that female camaraderie. I miss deep discussions about books and general psychology and sociology. I miss sharing glasses of bubbly with them. I miss laughing about the most ridiculous things. I miss the impromptu meet ups on weekends and even dinners on weeknights. We had some fucking awesome times that will always be embedded in my heart. Our trip to Costa Rica in 2010 remains on of my favorite trips off all time, and I still think about it often.
I guess life moves on and friendships shift because people drift. I've changed, and their lives have changed. I just wish I wasn't one of the first to drop out. But maybe it's better that I did so as to avoid feeling abandoned. I don't know. All I do know is that things are different All I can do is accept responsibility my own faults and inadequacies as a friend the past few years and hope that I don't repeat my mistakes in the future.
***
So, yeah, this is my life right now. Ever changing and on the brink of change. I believe all my struggles and doubts only exist to push me forward to where I'm meant to be at any given time. This life isn't easy, but I handle life way better at 36 than I did at 26. Most people dread getting older, but I'm thankful for it. I've made mistakes, I've struggled a lot, but I'm always learning, always growing, always improving myself, and doing so with more confidence and grace with every year that goes by. I'm thankful that while my life situations are constantly up or down, my inner peace stays in tact most of the time.
It's impossible to make sense of how the universe works, but it's very possible and encouraged to embrace how the universe changes us.
And there I go worrying about what others think of me. I'm desperately afraid of judgement. I don't know why I fear opinions of others so much and am seemingly ashamed of my "downs" when I'm perfectly happy with how I'm living my life for the most part. I'm living life. This is what life is about. Ups and downs. Celebrating ups and powering through the downs. No one is meant to be in one state for too long. I realize this. I've accepted this a while ago. It's the same for everyone. So why am I so fearful that I'm so different when I am not?
I think another reason I've chosen to be more private is because although life is a continuous roller coaster, I am generally at peace and I don't want my general inner peace to be overlooked just because I go through rough patches. I am at peace. I don't want to complain. But I suppose there is a difference between simply complaining and discussing my challenges.
While my true authentic self has been revealed more and more during the past few years, the authenticity in my writing content has dwindled. I can't tell you how many "drafts" I've started only to later delete because I don't know how to make them seem less fake and contrived.
Well, brace yourself, because shit is about to get real. I'm about to admit what has been going on with me and tell you exactly how I feel about it. I do care what others think about me even though I wish I didn't. But fuck it. One of my 15 goals for 2015 is to get out of my comfort zone 6 times this year. Spilling my guts, even in blog form, is me jumping way out of my comfort zone.
So, here is what has been happening with me and this is how I feel about it.
***
For one, I'm living on my own again. I've been living in my own place since the middle of November. I haven't told many people about it. I love living on my own even though I can barely afford it. I really love my new place even though I can barely afford it. As if I didn't have to sacrifice enough luxuries when I changed careers, I'v now had to give up hair appointments, wax appointments, eating at restaurants, going to movies, shopping, and any general frivolity other than my daily coffee habit and occasional take out order. So it's a good thing that I really like my new place, for this is where I spend all of my time when I'm not at work.
Although no longer roommates, Fabian is still my best friend in the whole world, and we see each other all the time. In fact, he is the only friend I ever see anymore. I don't know what I'd do without him.
I do not miss having a third roommate. I do not miss music playing when I don't want to hear it. I do not miss messes that were not made by me. I do not miss weird cooking smells. I do not miss obligatory small talk. I do not miss living so effing far from work. (I only shaved about 10 minutes off my commute, but those 10 minutes are essential when I work as early as 6am and as late as 9:30pm.)
I do miss the cheap rent, though. I do miss being with my best friend all the time. I do miss late night PB&J sandwiches and watching Seinfeld and King of Queens before bed. I do miss hugging and kissing someone goodbye in the mornings. I do miss Fabian's Mom's insanely delicious cooking.
But, I'm on my own again which does satisfy my independent spirit. I really do love the apartment I can barely afford.
***
I miss my family. I've been missing them like crazy for nearly two years, and have decided that I will probably, most likely, definitely will, move back to Ohio at some point. As sure as I am about wanting to move back to Ohio, I have a lot of concerns about making it happen.
For instance, will I have to learn to drive all over again? Or is it like riding a bike? How will I afford a car? What kind of job/s should I look for? Is it stupid to even think I could be monetarily successful in Ohio when I'm barely making it in Chicago? Will I get bored with suburban life? When should I move? Do I move in November when my apartment lease is up? Will I be ready by then and by that I mean will I be free of potential regret about my choice? Most importantly, how will I deal with living among all those republicans?! Just kidding. Sort of. Ha.
Another concern of mine is getting too comfortable and content with an average life back in Ohio. Settling down seems so attractive, but I know that something deep inside of me would never be satisfied with simply settling. Not at 36 years old anyway. But I've worked hard for so long on so many things and the end result is never as exciting or as amazing as I imagined. Knowing this, I still can't squelch the voice inside me that pushes me to want to do something more, something better than before.
My motivation for wanting to move back stems entirely from the fact that I want to be with my family though. I've realized in the last few years that most of my favorite memories since I've been an Illinois resident have been when I was either back in Ohio or when my family was visiting me in Chicago. Don't get me wrong, I have had some unforgettably awesome memories with people I've only known since I've lived in Chicago, but the largest quantity of good memories for the last 13 years has been times with my family.
I used to be so proud of my "escape" from Northeastern Ohio, but lately I find myself harboring a deep pride for the place where I was raised. The place where I was happy most of the time. The place that was never against me like I thought. The place where I simply didn't give enough credit where credit was due.
***
Work is a continuous struggle and even though I love my career, there are many drawbacks. I haven't been shy in admitting this particular fact before, but lately I've put up with a lot of shit that makes me wonder if the constant struggle is worth it. I am very passionate about what I do, and I really think that the shit I'm putting up with is just the universe telling me that I need to progress and move on because it is that time. Time to get unstuck.
I love the structure of a corporate gym and that so many potential clients cross my path on a daily basis, but I dislike the fact that I have to work with populations outside of my niche. While this isn't the most terrible thing that can happen to a trainer, it can be frustrating. Don't get me wrong, I have had a lot of success with clients who start from 0 and work their way up, continuously and successfully progressing, but then there are clients who start from 0, or maybe 5 out of 10, and offer so much resistance that my job becomes more difficult than it should be. I don't care if a client complains, it's when they refuse to do the work that pisses me off. On the contrary, a competitive client is no party either. When an ego takes over, results are stifled. This is one rule of fitness that I know to be indisputably true.
The pay at my company is aggressively low, which is discouraging because I dispense 100% of my energy to my clients and while I know they appreciate me, it seems as if the company for which I am making lots and LOTS of money, does not. That is some frustrating shit for this broke ass chick living in an apartment she can barely afford.
Speaking of dispensing all of my energy, I have very little energy to dispense to anyone else -including myself- when I'm not working. This is frustrating because I have so much I want and need to do that my To Do list is 9 miles long. But even when I only work half a day, I'm too wiped out to do anything else. The fact that I work out as hard I as I do is a miracle in and of itself.
So what would be the perfect solution? Well, I would love to see clients from 9 to 2 every day, work out, and then head home with enough energy to do chores and indulge my hobbies. Hahahahaha. Like that would ever be a possibility. As a trainer, we are a slave to our client's schedules. We work when the 9 to 5 peeps do not. We cannot discuss the latest episode of Scandal or whatever because we do not see the latest prime time shows because we are working (not that I could afford cable anyway). We also do not get a full 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night, every night. Our lives are not ruled by routine but rather by constantly shifting schedules, too many clients in a row or in a day, and sometimes too little sessions in a day or a month. Being a personal trainer is not as glamorous as it may seem. We some broke ass peeps, yo! Which is why we work out so much. It's a free activity. And we eat so well because we can't afford to go out to fancy restaurants, or even non-fancy restaurants for that matter.
Even when we are not working we are working. At least I am. I give my clients 24 hour access to my cell so they can ask questions whenever they arise. I love being there for them. I am disappointed when they cancel on me or are not consistent. I don't expect every client to love fitness as much as I do, but if you've investing in me, you should really consider investing in yourself much more than the two hours per week blocked out to see me.
I believe in what I do. I really love what I do. I love working. My God, I love working. But it's time to find a way to make working actually work for me.
***
Friends. Girlfriends, in particular. I used to have some really solid, amazing, fun girlfriends in Chicago. I know they have been mentioned in more than a few blog posts over the last five years.
Ever since I changed careers though, I've been a shitty friend. I'm not totally at fault, but I know I've played a major role in the distance that has been created between us all. I pretty much fell off the face of the earth during that first year of my career change. I was too tired and too broke to do anything with anyone. I wasn't reaching out and I wasn't there when they needed me most. Eventually, the invites from them ceased, and then my friends were no longer there for me. I've seen them sparingly over the past few years, and it's never like what it used to be. Conversations have been very superficial and when they turned a little deeper, the night always ended with me feeling judged and generally "not good enough."
I don't think I've ever really felt "good enough" around them though. I always felt that I was on a lower level than they were regarding education, travel experience, relationship experience, financial status, etc. I always felt like the bottom notch on the totem pole around them. Obviously they never intentionally made me feel this way, as this idea stemmed strictly from my own insecurities. But being away from them for a period of time and then reuniting with them from time to time made me realize that we never had much in common after all. And I really struggled to find common ground with them after my lifestyle had changed so dramatically.
But I miss that female camaraderie. I miss deep discussions about books and general psychology and sociology. I miss sharing glasses of bubbly with them. I miss laughing about the most ridiculous things. I miss the impromptu meet ups on weekends and even dinners on weeknights. We had some fucking awesome times that will always be embedded in my heart. Our trip to Costa Rica in 2010 remains on of my favorite trips off all time, and I still think about it often.
I guess life moves on and friendships shift because people drift. I've changed, and their lives have changed. I just wish I wasn't one of the first to drop out. But maybe it's better that I did so as to avoid feeling abandoned. I don't know. All I do know is that things are different All I can do is accept responsibility my own faults and inadequacies as a friend the past few years and hope that I don't repeat my mistakes in the future.
***
So, yeah, this is my life right now. Ever changing and on the brink of change. I believe all my struggles and doubts only exist to push me forward to where I'm meant to be at any given time. This life isn't easy, but I handle life way better at 36 than I did at 26. Most people dread getting older, but I'm thankful for it. I've made mistakes, I've struggled a lot, but I'm always learning, always growing, always improving myself, and doing so with more confidence and grace with every year that goes by. I'm thankful that while my life situations are constantly up or down, my inner peace stays in tact most of the time.
It's impossible to make sense of how the universe works, but it's very possible and encouraged to embrace how the universe changes us.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
What I Learned in 2014
At the beginning of last year, I declared in this post that 2014 would be a rebuilding year. 365 days has officially come and gone, and I can say with confidence that I have successfully "rebuilt" myself into a person I'm proud to be and that I'm living a life that I'm proud of as well. Essentially, all it took was learning how to live as authentically as possible for me to be happy and feel successful with my life.
I find myself reflecting on the events of 2014 quite a bit. While no major milestones were reached, a tremendous amount of personal growth occurred, which only made me realize how much more I have to learn and how much more I want to do in this lifetime.
One big thing I learned in 2014 is how to really, truly, love someone by forgiving them of their flaws, and accepting that I can still be loved despite mine. I often wonder where I'd be in life had I never met my BFF. He has taught me so much, supported me so much, pushed me so much, and most of all, has loved me so much. Despite my stubborn and resistant nature, he has stood by my side through thick and thin and has taught me what it really means to love.
The relationship with my BFF strengthened immeasurably in 2014. Because of him (and in addition to some very powerful self help-ish books*), I finally realized how relationships are supposed to work. And I can no longer be the kind of person who participates in negative gossip or behavior, nor can I tolerate people who (inadvertently) make me feel judged, inferior, and are not supportive of my lifestyle and choices. Real, true friends express their honest opinions to your face, and are encouraging and supportive of you no matter what.
Another thing I learned in 2014 is that stuff is just stuff. In the big city, it's very easy to get caught up in the glamour and wish for all that sparkles and shines, because money and the "stuff" it affords is often flaunted and always easily visible. But while stuff is pretty to look at, stuff does not mean that the people who own it are necessarily happy. I guess this is pretty obvious, but I spent a lot of years comparing myself to others and dwelling on all the things I didn't have, so I need to repeat this lesson to myself more than I'm proud to admit.
But it brings me to my next point. I learned how to be at peace with myself despite whatever life situation I'm experiencing. 2014 taught me to really, truly, cherish the little things. The feeling after a workout and after a shower makes me so joyful. Folding laundry, cleaning, and preparing a meal all make me feel good because I'm taking care of my life and successfully managing the things I am able to control. Seeing a client progress before my eyes, cuddling with my bunny and BFF, and exploring the city with my BFF just to take pics made me so insanely happy and appreciative this year.
I learned that making memories with the people you love is far more important than making a lot of money. I make less than half the salary I was making at my job in Corporate America, but my job affords me the time and flexibility to be able to spend lots of time with the people who matter to me most. I was able to visit my family 5 times this year! I was also able to take my BFF and my fur baby along for 2 of those trips. To be able to have the people who mean the absolute most to me on this earth in one room together several times this year was definitely a major highlight.
Speaking of my fur baby, I learned that adopting and loving a fur baby makes me more present, more patient, more aware, and overwhelms me with love. I'm in love with a bunny and I don't care who knows it! She really is my baby and I am committed to giving her the best life possible. I was meant to meet her this year and my life has been increasingly blessed ever since I brought her home on that mild summer evening in early August.
Finally, I learned that the lessons one learns as an adult must be practiced. Constantly. Constantly practiced. The lessons learned as an adult are not as easy to recall as learning state capitals or times tables. Our minds are already super conditioned in our 30's, so it takes extra efforts to be able to change your mind about something, or be open to new ideas, or new ways of doing things.
For 2015 I made a list of 15 goals to work towards all year long, just as I had made 14 goals for 2014. I reached all but a few, but I learned that working towards goals (no matter how big, significant, or small) makes me feel more purposeful and well-rounded, and motivates me to want to do bigger and better things in life.
The lessons I want to put into practice for 2015 are to not to let money, or the lack thereof, control me and rule my life. For nearly my entire adult life I've let money govern my world. But there are so many times in life that you cannot control unexpected expenses, or bad months for personal training. I'm learning to have faith and to trust that I'll always have enough, because enough is all I need. But I have the tendency to easily fall off the tight rope of confidence and stress about money, and I want to stress less about money this year. I'm very responsible, and deep down I know I don't need to worry, so I guess I need to continue practicing trusting myself, trusting the universe, and knowing that money is only money, and my worth as a human being is not determined by how much money I have in the bank. I'll be okay no matter what, because I won't let myself not be okay.
Also for 2015, I want to learn how to and then practice relinquishing so much control over my life. I have a terrible habit of wanting every detail of my life to be controlled and managed, and I feel like this may be hurting me from progressing further in life. Basically, I need to get comfortable with taking chances by getting uncomfortable more often. I've taken some pretty big risks in my life, and the results been no easy adjustment, so I've become a little gun shy when it comes to change, even though the risks I've taken have been completely worthy of risk.
I don't think I've ever been more enlightened, felt more positive, or basked in more peace when starting a new year like I am this year. I'm excited to see what 2015 will bring, all the while enjoying each moment of each day as it happens. Stay present, my friends, and cheers to 2015!
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." - Henry David Thoreau
*The aforementioned "self help-ish" books that contributed to my increased inner peace and brighter outlook on life are as follows:
The Voice of Knowledge by don Miguel Ruiz: http://www.miguelruiz.com/store/books-card-decks/
The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz: http://www.miguelruiz.com/store/books-card-decks/
The Power of Now by Elkhart Tolle: http://www.eckharttolle.com/books/now/
I find myself reflecting on the events of 2014 quite a bit. While no major milestones were reached, a tremendous amount of personal growth occurred, which only made me realize how much more I have to learn and how much more I want to do in this lifetime.
One big thing I learned in 2014 is how to really, truly, love someone by forgiving them of their flaws, and accepting that I can still be loved despite mine. I often wonder where I'd be in life had I never met my BFF. He has taught me so much, supported me so much, pushed me so much, and most of all, has loved me so much. Despite my stubborn and resistant nature, he has stood by my side through thick and thin and has taught me what it really means to love.
The relationship with my BFF strengthened immeasurably in 2014. Because of him (and in addition to some very powerful self help-ish books*), I finally realized how relationships are supposed to work. And I can no longer be the kind of person who participates in negative gossip or behavior, nor can I tolerate people who (inadvertently) make me feel judged, inferior, and are not supportive of my lifestyle and choices. Real, true friends express their honest opinions to your face, and are encouraging and supportive of you no matter what.
Another thing I learned in 2014 is that stuff is just stuff. In the big city, it's very easy to get caught up in the glamour and wish for all that sparkles and shines, because money and the "stuff" it affords is often flaunted and always easily visible. But while stuff is pretty to look at, stuff does not mean that the people who own it are necessarily happy. I guess this is pretty obvious, but I spent a lot of years comparing myself to others and dwelling on all the things I didn't have, so I need to repeat this lesson to myself more than I'm proud to admit.
But it brings me to my next point. I learned how to be at peace with myself despite whatever life situation I'm experiencing. 2014 taught me to really, truly, cherish the little things. The feeling after a workout and after a shower makes me so joyful. Folding laundry, cleaning, and preparing a meal all make me feel good because I'm taking care of my life and successfully managing the things I am able to control. Seeing a client progress before my eyes, cuddling with my bunny and BFF, and exploring the city with my BFF just to take pics made me so insanely happy and appreciative this year.
I learned that making memories with the people you love is far more important than making a lot of money. I make less than half the salary I was making at my job in Corporate America, but my job affords me the time and flexibility to be able to spend lots of time with the people who matter to me most. I was able to visit my family 5 times this year! I was also able to take my BFF and my fur baby along for 2 of those trips. To be able to have the people who mean the absolute most to me on this earth in one room together several times this year was definitely a major highlight.
Speaking of my fur baby, I learned that adopting and loving a fur baby makes me more present, more patient, more aware, and overwhelms me with love. I'm in love with a bunny and I don't care who knows it! She really is my baby and I am committed to giving her the best life possible. I was meant to meet her this year and my life has been increasingly blessed ever since I brought her home on that mild summer evening in early August.
Finally, I learned that the lessons one learns as an adult must be practiced. Constantly. Constantly practiced. The lessons learned as an adult are not as easy to recall as learning state capitals or times tables. Our minds are already super conditioned in our 30's, so it takes extra efforts to be able to change your mind about something, or be open to new ideas, or new ways of doing things.
For 2015 I made a list of 15 goals to work towards all year long, just as I had made 14 goals for 2014. I reached all but a few, but I learned that working towards goals (no matter how big, significant, or small) makes me feel more purposeful and well-rounded, and motivates me to want to do bigger and better things in life.
The lessons I want to put into practice for 2015 are to not to let money, or the lack thereof, control me and rule my life. For nearly my entire adult life I've let money govern my world. But there are so many times in life that you cannot control unexpected expenses, or bad months for personal training. I'm learning to have faith and to trust that I'll always have enough, because enough is all I need. But I have the tendency to easily fall off the tight rope of confidence and stress about money, and I want to stress less about money this year. I'm very responsible, and deep down I know I don't need to worry, so I guess I need to continue practicing trusting myself, trusting the universe, and knowing that money is only money, and my worth as a human being is not determined by how much money I have in the bank. I'll be okay no matter what, because I won't let myself not be okay.
Also for 2015, I want to learn how to and then practice relinquishing so much control over my life. I have a terrible habit of wanting every detail of my life to be controlled and managed, and I feel like this may be hurting me from progressing further in life. Basically, I need to get comfortable with taking chances by getting uncomfortable more often. I've taken some pretty big risks in my life, and the results been no easy adjustment, so I've become a little gun shy when it comes to change, even though the risks I've taken have been completely worthy of risk.
I don't think I've ever been more enlightened, felt more positive, or basked in more peace when starting a new year like I am this year. I'm excited to see what 2015 will bring, all the while enjoying each moment of each day as it happens. Stay present, my friends, and cheers to 2015!
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." - Henry David Thoreau
*The aforementioned "self help-ish" books that contributed to my increased inner peace and brighter outlook on life are as follows:
The Voice of Knowledge by don Miguel Ruiz: http://www.miguelruiz.com/store/books-card-decks/
The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz: http://www.miguelruiz.com/store/books-card-decks/
The Power of Now by Elkhart Tolle: http://www.eckharttolle.com/books/now/
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