Cram Session

It has been a long time since I updated this blog. Too long. My new career has taken over my life during the past few months, but I finally feel like life is settling down enough for me to take the time to sort out my thoughts - as they do still find at least a little time to swirl around in this noggin of mine. So let's play catch up, shall we?

So much has happened since I last wrote. I suffered a running injury only a few days after I posted my last entry that has prevented me from training as intensely as I wrote about in my last post. It has been a learning experience, it has made me more compassionate toward my clients dealing with injuries, but most of all it has been a pain in the ass. I had to totally skip out on race season, including the Hot Chocolate 15k, which was my main goal for the 8 plus months of training leading up to it. But I vow to come back faster and stronger than ever before. I'm now also far more in tune and aware of my body and its' limitations, which can only serve as an advantage in the future.
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Additionally, my personal training career has also taken off quicker and more successfully than I ever could have imagined. It's exhausting, but I love it. I'm challenged every single day. I'm rewarded every single day. It's exactly what I was meant to do!

I have also moved within the last two months. And I moved in with roommates! Fiercely independent and introverted, I'm the last person who ever thought I'd live with roommates again, but I'm really enjoying it. Living alone for so long was wearing on me and making me feel so lonely and empty. And now I'm living with two other people who are not only incredible friends, but who also share my passion for health and fitness. The energy in our house is positively wonderful, and it's comforting to feel like part of a "family," regardless of how unconventional. One of my roommates is Fabian, the trainer that helped guide me to change my life and that I've mentioned in so many other posts. I never dreamed that when I met him a year ago, that we'd end up sharing the same address only one year later! Life is so weird. My other roommate, Jane, became an instant friend when I met her. She is also a client of Fabian's, and she has also quit her job to become a trainer.

My life is truly unconventional. At 34 years of age, maybe I'm doing things a little backwards, or maybe I'm a late bloomer, but I wouldn't change a thing. I'm happy. It took a whole lot of shaking things up and getting uncomfortable to get where I am, but I'm eternally grateful for finding the courage and strength to change my life.

Boarding the Crazy Train

Okay so I've thought of approximately one million clever post titles involving the word, "train." This time, however, I'm not writing about my experience as a personal trainer, but rather about my experience with my own intense training program. I've come a long way since this post about my initial sessions with my trainer, Fabian, and I'm excited (if not just a little terrified) to see where I'm heading.

During the months since my last post about my training, I've been making my way through various phases of a strength program in order to be developed into the best athlete I can be. Each phase is more difficult than the last, and each causes me to reevaluate my sanity. The latest and most intense phase will be kicking my running action into high gear so that I will ultimately be prepared for the Hot Chocolate 15k race here in Chicago in November. The program consists of a 90 minute torso strength workout, a 90 minute lower body strength workout, and a 60 minute arm strength workout. As if that doesn't sound crazy enough, I also have to incorporate various prescribed running workouts 6 days a week. And I'm hell bent on squeezing yoga in there too. It's a good thing I work in a gym, eh?

I'm not sure how I'm going to pull this off, but I'm determined to do so. I've been warned that this level of training is going to "fuck with my head," so I need to prepare for the mental abuse. In fact, Fabian has also prescribed reading materials to help me through the mental hurdles.

As I've gradually begun to take this type of training more seriously, I've had to give up things that I love, and begin incorporating things that I don't love so much. For example, I've (mostly) given up alcohol. Because alcohol takes precedence over other nutrients in the body while being digested, it's best if I avoid it while my muscles recover from these workouts. I've also given up coffee, which nearly brings me to tears as I type this. Even though I work out a ton, I've been having trouble sleeping for a long time. Apparently, caffeine gets in the way of the recovery of my nervous system after an intense workout. Although it was a hard habit to break, I'm not nearly as tired as I thought I'd be during the day, and I'm sleeping soooo much better. Also, I used to eat meat (only prepared at a restaurant) once or twice a week. Now, despite my grimaces due to being grossed out from squishy raw flesh, I've morphed into a serious carnivore and am preparing meat for every meal in order to obtain the various amino acids to aid in my muscle repair and development.

That's another thing - I have to eat soooo much! And just when I think I'm eating enough, I'm told to eat more. Eating like an Olympian is time consuming and expensive. I'm hungry in under two hour intervals, and it's as if my metabolism is an infant that will start throwing a fit if I'm not readily prepared with a bottle to tame it. You must be confused as to how this is a problem. But keeping up with my warp speed metabolic rate is really exhausting, y'all! And it's not like I'm eating pizza and ice cream any time I want. It's ALL healthy grub. (Nutella straight out of the jar is considered healthy, right?)

Fabian is also super hard on me, and while my first instinct is to get defensive (a hard habit to break, I'm finding), I have to remember that he's only trying to drill things into my head, and so I need to shut up and listen. And while it drives me absolutely fucking crazy when he gives me 900 million instructions only to follow up by saying yelling "Don't think about it!," I know he's just trying to get me out of my head, which is my biggest problem in all areas of my life. I'm slowly learning not to take his strict coaching personally, but it's difficult. But I know he believes in me. And I also know that his belief in me doesn't mean squat unless I believe in myself.

And speaking of squat, I have the nastiest bruises on my thighs from using my hip power to lift nearly 75% of my body weight! Ouch! I generated zero sympathy when I brought this to Fabian's attention, so I'm also learning to shut up and silently deal with the war wounds.

So by now you must think I'm nuts. I mean, I sort of do. I feel as if I'm training for the Olympics yet there is no pot of gold medals at the end of this rainbow. So why the fuck am I doing this? Why would I give up some of my favorite simple pleasures, stuff my face with food I don't entirely enjoy, and voluntarily allow myself to get screamed at just to become a better runner?

Well, for me it's not just about becoming a "better runner." It's about working to become a better version of myself every day. It's about consistently moving forward instead of being stuck in the same place. And vowing to be better today than I was yesterday requires an intense amount of discipline.

Fabian says that coaching me through this type of training is an experiment for him. But it's an experiment for me too, dammit. For most of my life I have let fear, doubt, and the self-manifested negative perceptions of myself control my life. Yes, I recently made a career change, which was incredibly brave, and for which I'm truly proud, but the only way I'll be successful with my new career is if I learn to believe in myself, face my fears, and rise to challenges every day. Additionally, the only way I'll ever finally find myself in a successful relationship is if I can be mentally strong enough to demand respect and fully believe that I deserve it.

What I'm hoping to get out of this training (in addition to a sick race time!) is the ability to push through barriers without thinking twice. I think this training can get me there. It may break me down, but I'll get stronger as I repair and rebuild - not unlike the physical characteristics of our muscles becoming stronger.

"If you're facing your fears, then you're pointed in the right direction" - heard on a Nike commercial during the Olympics

The TRAINsition

(Ha ha, get it? Trainsition?)

Anyway...

My blog! My poor, neglected blog! How I've missed you!

Turns out, life changes are all-consuming and leave time for little else. However, after officially putting in three full weeks at the gym, I was finally able to make time for myself, friends, and now my blog this weekend. Not that I don't have a million things left on my To Do list. But, today I gave my body permission to decompress, even though my brain still hasn't fully been able to do so since I started my new gig.

Speaking of which, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE BEING A PERSONAL TRAINER!! I'm so passionate about helping members and tailoring programs specific to their needs. Fortunately, the act of training has come very natural to me, and I can't get enough of it. Making people sweat and challenging them to perform tasks they previously thought they weren't capable of is extremely rewarding. And the eye rolls I get during a training session only serve as confirmation that I'm doing my job correctly. Currently, I have two "regular" clients, which is amazing so early in the game, but I'm hoping to gain more clients through the consultations and prospecting sessions I've been performing.

I went into my new gig willing to expect the unexpected, and I've definitely had to deal with situations I never dreamed possible from working at a gym. For example, I check my work email obsessively. I never would have done this at my previous job. In fact, my brain seemed to block out any thoughts of my previous job when I wasn't there, but now I can't shut my brain off when I'm not at the gym and find myself dreaming of exercise program design every night. The communicating, scheduling, and organization is also very overwhelming to me and I find myself performing "administrative duties" even when I'm at home - another job aspect that I'd refuse to do for my previous employer. But, I'm extremely passionate about my new career, so I don't mind all the extra work in addition to training people. In fact, a teacher I had a consultation with last week told me she could see how passionate I am about my job.

Additionally, the people I've met so far are amazing! Whereas I felt so isolated in my last job, constantly hiding in my cube and flying under the radar if I knew what was good for me, now I'm encouraged to make friends with members, clients, and coworkers. And after nine years of isolation, I've re-learned that people are fascinating! I've met a pianist, a federal investigator, a children's therapist, a singer/actress, just to name a few. And my coworkers are incredible! I laugh so much on a daily basis, but besides the goofing off, they have all been so supportive and helpful.

It's not all rainbows and puppies, though. I'm still dealing with uncertainty regarding my career change, especially regarding my income, but so far, I regret nothing and am enjoying every second. Not to say that things have been easy! The first week was especially tough as I was desperately trying to become acclimated to a completely different lifestyle than I was used to. I was a ball of emotions - both good and bad - and found myself crying multiple times a day. Incidentally, the last week of the Olympics coincided with my first week at the gym, and every inspirational story about an athlete or even an inspirational commercial spun me into a flurry of uncontrollable tears. In fact, I think it was the Nike slogan, "If you're facing your fears, then you're heading in the right direction" that really made me lose my mind.

But, despite the uncertainty and dramatic lifestyle change, I wake up every day and choose to think positively, push through the challenges, and trust that everything will work out just fine. I choose to believe that I will be extremely successful. And because of this thought process, every single day gets better.

Good Bye, Cubeville! Hello, Dream Job!

It has dawned on me that I will never again have a "case of the Mondays." Actually, I have developed a chronic "case of the Weekdays" during my 8.5 years at my desk job. But thanks to relentless hard work and the sufficient push from my incredible trainer/coach/friend, Fabian, I'm officially cured of this debilitating disease, as I have found a new job as a personal trainer!

On one hand I can't believe it's real, and on the other hand this feels like the most natural next step in my life. I've been preparing for this for so long, and I've never been so motivated or driven about anything. I don't just want to make a living as a personal trainer. I want to live my life constantly striving to be the absolute best personal trainer I can possibly be.

I never would've dreamed that switching to a new gym last August would lead me to such a dramatic change in my life - and I certainly never imagined that it would eventually become my new place of employment! But I did know early on that my new gym was different and special in some way. I have always felt so warmly welcomed there, and for the last year it has been a place where I have looked forward to spending my precious time. As an employee, I vow to represent my gym in the most flattering light possible, and I vow to help each person I talk to feel just as warmly welcomed as I always have as a member.

Additionally, because Fabian challenges me outside of the gym as well as inside, he assigned me the task of creating my own Mission Statement that would express my purpose and include the core values I will utilize to excel as a personal trainer.

Mission Statement 

Passion cannot be cultivated without purpose, and one cannot passionately promote that purpose without faith. Discovering the willingness within ourselves to uncover and explore our potential by challenging our beliefs and perceptions can lead us to capabilities beyond our wildest dreams. Challenge equals change, and change moves us forward, allowing us to enjoy rich, authentic lives. 

While maintaining integrity, leadership, compassion, and the perpetual willingness to learn and grow, I aim to be an invaluable resource for my clients. By committing to a dedicated and personalized approach to assisting each individual with articulating their goals, I will motivate my clients to unlock their potential and lead them to take action. I will challenge each person to make a commitment to change, and I will help them adhere to that commitment by making the work enjoyable, and by providing uncompromising service & support. 

The Hot and Cold Game

For the last several years, so much of my brain space has been occupied with finding my purpose in life. And despite running into so many road blocks along the way, always trusting that there is a reason for everything that happens has helped guide me throughout my journey.

Over the years I've been constantly asking myself the following questions: What is my highest truth? Where is my highest good? How to I express my greatest love? In my attempts to find these answers, I've often felt like I've been playing the "hot and cold" game with God. It's as if every time I've had a thought or have made a move regarding my future, God has been telling me "lukewarm, cold, colder, FREEZING." Or, "warm, warmer, hot, hotter, BURNING!"

For instance, two years ago when I decided I wanted to channel my empathetic nature into a new career, God led me down a path far enough for me to confirm my suspicions that helping people is most certainly what I love to do. You're getting warm... warmer. In my pursuit to become a teacher a few years ago, I realized just how hard I'm capable of working, and how dedicated and committed I am to my goals. Hot, hotter! But then God halted me in my tracks just before I was about to become a teacher. Cold... FREEZING! Despite the disappointment of working so hard only to eventually fail, I chose to be thankful for the lessons I learned during the process, and to trust that I would be steered in a new direction.

And, in fact, becoming a mentor two years ago made me realize that working one on one with someone is much more up my alley than working with many people at the same time, which would have made me miserable as a teacher. Lukewarm... warm. I've had time in the last two years to come to terms with the fact that I'm an introvert, and therefore I don't do well under pressure, and that I'm better when I'm the one in control and mapping out what is going to happen next. Warmer... And I realized, with regards to pursuing a new career, how much I'm not willing to sacrifice regarding the things that matter most to me in life: family, friends, and fitness. Getting warmer... hot!

After so much contemplation and fostering the courage to squelch my fears, I decided to act on my civil liberty to pursue happiness by pursuing a career that would represent my biggest passion - fitness. Hotter... And after passing my personal training exam this past weekend, I know that personal training is what I'm meant to do. That fitness is my purpose. Hot!... BURNING! 

God gave me a gift, and although it took me a while to unwrap, I'm eternally grateful for it and I can't wait to get in the gym and share it with my clients.

Pattern Overload

My personal training text book defines the term "pattern overload" as: 1. Repetitive physical activity that moves through the same patterns of motion, placing the same stresses on the body over time. 2. Consistently repeating the same pattern of motion, which may place abnormal stresses on the body.

This term came to my mind recently as I was thinking about my love life. I have a very distinct pattern when it comes to dating, and although I'm well aware of it, I can't seem to break it. For instance, it's quite obvious to me that I tend to hopelessly chase guys who like me well enough, but who are emotionally unavailable, or who are just simply unable to commit to a relationship at the moment... or, with me. I let them keep me safely at arms length and never question how/why/what they are feeling, and I don't dare divulge my own feelings for fear of stirring the pot and screwing things up. I end up sticking around for too long hoping that something will click and change for the better, but it never does. I consistently lie to myself and think that something is there when it's not, and then I'm crushed any time the truth emerges.

After each crushing blow I'm left asking myself the same questions over and over again: What did I do wrong? What could I have done to make it work? What could I have done to make him like me more? Was I too guarded? Was I not assertive enough with my feelings?

Shit like this makes me feel like I'm eons away from being in the "right relationship." Will I ever get it right?

I haven't written about my dating life lately, but that doesn't mean it has been inactive. In fact, I was kinda, sorta, maybe, somewhat, vaguely involved with someone during the past 6 months or so. He's an exceptionally amazing and wonderful person whom I consider a friend, first and foremost, so during the points over the last 6 months when I didn't think we were anything more than friends, I was okay with that (mostly). But there were many times when I was led to believe it was maybe more, and that was all exciting and good - until the next round of mixed signals confused my already overly ruminating mind. But of course I never dared to ask, "What the hell is going on with us?" for fear of not hearing what I wanted to hear, even though I wasn't hearing anything I wanted to hear in the first place. Ignorance is bliss...er, at least it's momentarily satisfying.

When it comes to love and dating for me, hope outshines reality, and hope is what I normally choose to latch onto. I guess this is the caveat to being an optimistic person.

I may not have been getting exactly what I wanted from him, but it's my fault for expecting more than he could give, and it's my fault for lying to myself for so long when deep down I knew that he couldn't.

But because I've been single for so long, receiving the "good night" texts during the past six months were simply satisfying enough to pleasantly remind me that, at the end of the day, I'm not alone in this world.

According to my personal training textbook, a good flexibility/balance/strength program can correct the cumulative injury cycle caused by the pattern overload that places abnormal stresses on the body. And as my dating pattern overload is placing abnormal stresses on my heart, it's time I finally prescribe a flexibility/balance/strength program to correct it.

"Just cause you feel it, doesn't mean it's there." - lyric from There There by Radiohead

The Grit and The Glamour

Do you ever tend to view your home differently when you're preparing for company? I mean, do you ever try to view your space through someone else's eyes and ask yourself how they would see things differently? What would they notice that you wouldn't normally make a conscious effort to see? Should you change something? Do you find that your space is a true reflection of who you are, and then do you appreciate it more?

Like my home, I have a tendency to view my city differently each and every time I witness one of those double decker bus tours, or trolley tours, or walking tours taking place. I kind of snicker at all the craned necks and constant camera flashes, even though I'm still totally guilty of doing the same thing after living here for ten years. But I always wonder what those tourists think about what they are seeing. Are they shocked by how many people are walking around at any given time of day? Are they surprised by how many races and languages they encounter? Are they simply in awe of the massive concrete jungle? Do they honestly think the "bean" in Millennium Park is one of the coolest things they've ever seen?

I often reflect upon the fact that the tourists left their homes in Wherever, USA to visit the city in which I am lucky enough and grateful to live. I may not have been born and raised here, but I'm filled to the brim with Chicago pride.

The city can be harsh, and it isn't always kind, but I have found that kindness emerges from the most unexpected places. The city certainly isn't for the faint of heart (or the extreme right-winged republican, for that matter), but it IS most certainly for me. I embrace the grit just as much as the glamour, and, like kindness, I often find that beauty emerges from the most unexpected places.

Below is a verrrry small representation of the way Chicago is viewed through my own eyes:

Tulips on State Street - always an official sign of spring. 

Lake Michigan rocks

Good ol' Wrigley Field scoreboard

I love my diverse neighborhood, and I love that I can get frutas con lima, sal, y pimiento en la playa. 

View from my office. 

Waiting for the train

The Magnificent Mile Festival of Lights Parade

State Street around Christmas time

Ice skating in Millennium Park

Beautiful February day

My favorite alley

More Lake Michigan rocks near my apartment 

Shamrock Shuffle in Grant Park

I wander the city A LOT, and sometimes, I just stumble upon the inexplicable! 

View from the Sears - ok, "Willis"- Tower

Cinco de Mayo Festival in the Little Village neighborhood

Osterman Beach in the Edgewater neighborhood

Garden path in Millennium Park

Heavy Metal in Millennium Park

Walking to the train from the gym in the West Loop.

That shiny silver sliver in the middle is my office building.

The Devil Wears Ralph Lauren

Not sure how this happened, especially because I'm not her assistant, but somehow I was elected to go to my boss's house today and wait for a FedEx package from Ralph Lauren. This solution was determined after my boss scheduled the delivery to her home even though she knew she wouldn't be there to accept it (she's staying at the Trump hotel because her AC is out), and after I had already called FedEx twice to see if they could redirect the package or leave it without a signature (they couldn't). Oh and speaking of AC, I also had to stick around and wait for the AC repair man while I was there.

Um, seriously? This type of shit is definitely not included in my job description.

I'm so thankful I made the decision this week to take my PT exam a full two months early. The sooner I get out of the Wicked Witch of the Midwest's clutches and get on with my life, the better.

Today's incident reminded me of my early days with the company, which was terrifying to relive.

Uh oh.

Does this mean that my whole work life is going to flash before my eyes be shown in slow motion during my remaining time there?

It's Really Happening

Reality is finally setting in that my life is going to be flipped-turned-upside-down like that of the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire within the next few months. After hating my job for sooooo long, I will soon be jumping feet first into a brand new career. I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so... SCARED like Jessie Spano from Saved By The Bell. (Ok, don't worry, I think I'm out of early 90's TV show references).

I keep having dreams that I'm on a roller coaster during the slow but steady climb to the top of the first hill. I'm terrified to reach the top and make that initial decline, but I'm also thrilled about it. This dream mirrors EXACTLY how I'm feeling about all the pending changes in my life.

Truly and honestly, I can admit that few decisions have ever felt really, really right during my 33+ years on this planet, but this new career is certainly one of them. I know I can do this, and I know that if I work hard enough, I can be very successful at it. I certainly have all the support in the world, which means the world to me.

I'm excited to help people. I'm excited to get to work and know that my work is making a difference. I'm excited to inspire and to be inspired by my clients. Bottom line - I'm excited to make my number one passion & priority my profession.

‎"You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand."
-Woodrow T. Wilson

10 Year Chicagoversary

In honor of my looming 10 Year Anniversary of living in Chicago, I'm enlisting the help of a guest blogger: Myself! 10 years ago!

Here are some excerpts from my journal entries recorded by 23-year-old Steph during the first few months of life in the Big City. Re-reading these after so many years has reminded me (perhaps now more than ever) that maintaining faith and "pushing through" despite fear and self-doubt are crucial for acheiving your biggest goals. Enjoy.

Oh wait! First, some background information: Immediately upon visiting Chicago for the first time for New Year's Eve 2001, I was smitten with the city. Even though I had always planned to move to NYC after college graduation, I knew after just one visit that Chicago was where I belonged. So, after graduation, I moved back in with my parents and got a job at a car dealership, a bar, and a tanning salon that doubled as a laundromat (that place was exactly as weird as it sounds. Ohio thing, I guess). Anyway, I told myself that I had one year to work as hard as I could to save as much money as I could so I could move to Chicago. And in exactly one year (to the day!) from starting my job at the dealership, I quit all my jobs. So one morning in May of 2002 my Dad drove me, my clothes, and an air mattress to Chicago. He literally dropped me off, and headed right back home to Ohio. My nephew's uncle, Jason, was living in Chicago at the time and graciously offered for me to temporarily crash at the apartment where he and his two roommates lived.

Thursday, May 30, 2002
Subject: What the Hell Am I Doing?

Well, I am in Chicago. I did it. I made it. So why do I feel so lousy???

Well, the fact is, I may not be here for long if I don't find a job. I had a terrible experience my first full day in the city. I went to a job interview that turned out to be one big disaster. It was definitely a "heads up" though. A total reality check. It turned out to be some employment agency that lures people in by making them think they are applying for some glamorous job. I was ready, willing, and confident to put on a great show, but I didn't have to. Instead, I was made to take spelling and typing tests to prove my worth. Turned out, according to those tests, I'm not worth much. But for reasons beyond me, the woman thought if I took all those tests over, then I would have what it takes to be a paralegal. A what?!?! Excuse me? Where did that come from??? After only knowing me for 15 minutes, she "knew" that was my destiny. I felt so pressured, so forced, so "I want to be anywhere but here." I know it was simply her job to fill a position, but at the expense of my misery? After over 2 hours of agony and rapidly plummeting confidence, I bolted.

Two more lessons I've learned since I got here.... okay three: Never buy bottled water and diet coke on the same day when walking to the grocery store. Never buy shoes and walk many miles in them the first day they are purchased. And finally, if I go out to eat by myself, always bring reading material.

These are some things that no one has taught me so far. I guess trial and error is the best and only way to really learn the city. Tomorrow's big adventure is the subway on my own. EEEEEEEEEK!!!!!

I don't believe I have ever been homesick like this before. I really miss my family and all of the comforts of home. I really miss my brother. I can't even call my family without getting all choked up. Right now, I could say that I want to go home. I want to get the hell out of this foreign city and just go home. Home. Where I am comfortable. Where I am loved. Where I speak more than once a day. I am so lonely! In a city filled with millions of interesting people, I am so alone. So isolated. And I have no money!!!! What was I thinking? What am I doing? I don't belong here!

Okay, calm down. I am in a brand new fucking city. Of course I don't feel like I fit in. I just need to give it a chance. I have never been so scared. But I just need to give it a chance. I know I will love it once I get used to things. I need to be more positive and quit being so intimidated. I already feel like everyone else is better than I am. I feel as if I am in high school all over again. 

I'll get over it. Things will get better. I will be okay. I have to be. I want to be.

Sunday, June 30, 2002
Subject: It's Wanting What You've Got

Well it has been exactly one month since I last wrote and so much has changed. I really love Chicago. I am so much more comfortable with the area and the way things work around here. I still do not have a job though, which has been a pain in the ass. I also am still staying at Jason's house, where I have completely invaded his space. Totally took over his bedroom. I met a friend named Chloe. She is the coolest! I have had so much fun getting to know her and I am convinced I'd be lost without her. I have also been spending time with Maia and Leah. Super fun girls. Super glad I have them as well. I have already had some pretty crazy evenings since I have been in Chicago. I needed all that. No regrets. I miss home. I miss it a lot. But all I have to do is remember why I left, and then I am proud to be in the city. This place is great. So much to do. But if I don't find a job soon (I think I am close), then I am outta here. I am running out of money so quickly. I am temping right now, but it isn't exactly raking in the dough. I am so longing for a place of my own. I need my privacy. I really do. All I have wanted my whole life was my very own apartment. My very own. Well, hopefully next time I write, I will be employed. And then the time after that, I will have signed a lease to my very own studio!!!! Well, Chloe and I are going to do laundry right now so I better go. I really wish I had been documenting my time all along, but I am glad I had these few minutes to catch up.

Monday, July 8, 2002
Subject: None

I went to church today. Just something I really felt the need to do. In a desperate search for some spiritual guidance, I ignored my need to sleep in this morning and went to visit God.

The message wasn't as enlightening as I had hoped, but it did help some. I am not really sure what message I was seeking. I guess I was really looking for God to tell me what the next step is. I am so confused. Moving to Chicago has without a doubt been the hardest and most confusing time in my life. I honestly never know how I am going to live one day to the next. I am so anxious and unsettled. Depressed, depressed, soooo damn depressed. I just want to know that everything will be okay, that everything IS okay. I guess I can just pray and pray and pray. And actively engage myself as much as possible.

I am really hoping that the next time I journal, I will have so much positive energy to share.

Thursday, July 9, 2002
Subject: I Want to Soak Up the Sun

Okay, so I am writing again - but without any "I got a job" news. How come it used to be so easy??? Ugh!!! So discouraged. Wouldn't be so discouraging if I weren't on a freaking time limit... or broke. Seriously broke. Getting verrrrrrry desperate!!! Will sell my body. Okay, yea right. But I'm not beyond that. Ugh!

Had a wonderful experience with God today. Realized he was speaking, I just wasn't listening. Very enlightening day with God. Thank You.

Tuesday, July 16, 2002
Subject: I'll Be There...

I am soooooooooo running up the bill on Jason's Kinko's card right now. Oh well, he offered. How terrible!

Anyway, I have an interview tomorrow. I am trying not to tell too many people because I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them shot down. :( That has happened way too much already. I want to believe that my whole life does not depend on tomorrow's interview, but in a way, it does. It is the ONLY thing I really have in the works right now although I have been faxing resumes like crazy. $60 worth just today, in fact. I REALLY cannot afford to do that anymore.

So Chloe is the best. I am so glad I met her. She is so what Janet was to me my freshman year of college. As much as I think I am independent, I really need a supportive girl friend behind me. Not only does she help me, but it feels good for me to help her. Just today Chloe reflected on a bit of "wisdom" I offered earlier this week and I was proud that I was able to make her "think." Feels good.

I'm also having a really good time with the guys in the house. I am really beginning to let my guard down (finally after 2 months!!) and it feels so liberating. I am letting my humorous side slip out without reservation. They are finally beginning to see ME! ..... still adamant about living on my own though :)

Anyway, I should head back, it's getting dark. I really hope I get this job tomorrow. I love Chicago. This is my dream. And even though the position is for reception, I could never really hate it. No way will I EVER take another job for granted after going through this trying experience!!!! What a lesson. There is always a lesson. That is life.... and I won't complain :) :) :)

Thursday, July 18, 2002
Subject: Big Dreams Just Need Big Hearts

Well, this is the journal entry I have been waiting to write for a very long time. I GOT A JOB!!!! I am not sure if I could be any happier. I have been beaming all morning long. All of the hard work, all of the lessons -  it has all been worth it. I really had to learn a lot before I was just handed my dream. I am so glad I did. God has everybody learn in their own way, and God taught me the way I needed to be taught. These past two months have been the hardest months of my life, but I would not trade the learning experience for anything. It was just the kick in the pants I needed.

I am still having trouble believing all of this is real. It just seems so fabulous to me right now. I am so happy!

I think the biggest lesson I have learned is that, "with God, all things are possible." I would never be where I am right now if I didn't look to God for strength. God taught me that I had to believe in myself first and foremost. I finally get it!

I am so about learning. Never stop learning. I may have overcome one huge obstacle, but I will never stop pursuing and dreaming. And I sure will be happy doing so. I am sincerely proud of myself. I am really, truly proud of myself. I did it! I made it! I love the world...

A million Thank Yous...........

The Big Bang Theory

When I was home during Thanksgiving last year, I decided to root through some old photos in an effort to find any cool, vintage-looking ones to frame. Incidentally, during my quest I came across a photo of myself that was both hilarious and horrifying. It was taken at the orthodontist's office when I was 10 years old. I was wearing "head gear," which was an awful metal brace that attached to cemented bands on my molars, and also wrapped around the circumference of my head. Despite the barbed wire around my face, though, my goofy smile drew attention to the giant gap between my two front teeth, which resulted from another orthodontic contraption called a "palate expander," which wasn't unlike a mid-evil torture device, as it literally worked to break the bone between my two front teeth in an effort to widen my mouth. Also, in the background of the picture there was a poster of a HUGE smiley face with braces, and big letters that read, "Braces are Beautiful!"  Upon discovering the priceless relic, I showed it to my Mom and said, "Braces are beautiful... unless you're Steph... and you look like THIS." She immediately gasped and exclaimed, "What's wrong with your hair?!" Never mind my hair, I thought. What about my busted grill?!

But, my Mom did bring up a good point. I was sporting those hideous giant bangs that were sooooo cool in the 80's and early 90's. And it made me wonder, why did that hairstyle ever seem attractive? How did manipulating a small tuft of hair located on the top of your forehead to create the look of ocean waves ever seem like a good idea? And why was bigger always better?

I also remember that once you committed to big bangs, there was no turning back. For example, one day in sixth grade, at the "height" of the big bang obsession, I decided to be rebellious (or maybe I just felt lazy) and chose not to curl, tease, and shellac my bangs for school. As a result, so many people came up to me that day and asked if I was "okay," because my hair wasn't "done." I realized that my bangs must have looked so pitiful and depressed compared to the regular "party" vibe they normally projected.

And even though my Mom was horrified by my hair in the pic from the orthodontist's office, she, too, was guilty of sporting some awesomely huge hair around the same time as well. In fact, I realize now that my Mom's multi-layered permed hair wasn't so different from a mullet, except instead of being "business in front, and party in the back," it was, "party in the front, AND party in the back." Ooooh yeah! And doesn't the word "party" come to mind when thinking of the 80's anyway? Big-ass bangs paired perfectly with neon colors, acid-washed jeans, and splatter paint t-shirts!

Sporting huge hair didn't always mean that life was a "party," however. For instance, adopting such a time-consuming hairstyle that was constantly challenged to defy gravity did not make for smooth mornings in our household. The progression of pure rage would occur any time that one little section of hair wouldn't cooperate, no matter how much Salon Selectives Super Hold Hair Spray was used to glue it all together. Those high maintenance hairdos always carried the risk for "bad hair days," and many times you were sure that your life was ruined because the bouquet on the top of your head wasn't quite perfect. In fact, I can remember being in my bedroom while my Mom was monopolizing the bathroom and hearing combs and curling irons being slammed down onto the sink out of frustration, which alerted everyone in the house to the fact that Mom is at war with her bangs! My temper wasn't exactly kept in check regarding my own bang  battles either, though. I even remember bursting into tears a few times, feeling defeated by own army of styling tools.

Thankfully, the Big Bang trend eventually came crashing down - not unlike the ocean waves they resembled. Hairstyles from different decades may go in and out of style all the time, but let's all cross our fingers and hope that the trend of big bangs never returns. Of course, if "mom jeans" are making a comeback, then I guess anything is possible. The horrors!

The below pic is from 5th grade, when I was obsessed with DJ Tanner's hair from the TV show, Full House. Despite the cruciferous vegetable growing from my head, this is my favorite school picture ever.

This pic was taken Christmas morning. Even a hat can't cramp by bang style... or mash them down.

This is me holding my cousin, Brittany, who just graduated college this year, incidentally. She was lucky enough to have missed the whole big bang trend.

To Excel is to Exceed Expecations

"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing." - Ron Swanson from the TV show Parks and Recreation

***

There is a six-mile running trail located within one of the many parks near my parent's house in Ohio that I try to run every time I visit them. Much of the trail is encased in a cathedral of trees, and the most prominent sounds come from the gushing river, or the critters that make their home within nature's bounty. The path is tranquil, calming, and beautiful. It's a place on earth where I feel closest to God and my truest self. Also, it's one hell of a hilly challenge.

The running path may be six miles long, but the first time my Dad drove me to the starting point a couple years ago, I told him I was only going to run the first three miles, and requested that he pick me up in about a half hour. My Dad asked me if I was certain that I would only run three miles, and after a slight pause, I assured him that thirty minutes was all the time I needed.

Something changed while I was running, though. Not only was the run both extremely challenging and exhilarating, but I couldn't imagine giving up once I hit the three mile mark. Suddenly, I was hell bent on running the whole six miles, and it felt amazing to push myself and break through the limitations that only I had set for myself.

Upon completing the six miles, I fully expected my Dad to be pissed at me for making him wait in the parking area for an extra half hour. Instead, I saw my Dad's jeep pulling into the parking lot only as I was crossing the "finish line." I immediately asked him why he wasn't already there when I had told him that I'd only need a half hour. He replied with, "I know how you are. I saw the look in your eyes before you got out of the car, and I knew you'd run the whole thing."

***

I've noticed a common reaction to telling people -not including my friends & family- that I'm going into personal fitness training. People react, for example, by asking me if personal training will be a "side job" for me, or a way to make "extra" money. My swift and adamant reply is, "NO!"

I realize that people who don't know me all that well are simply surprised by someone making such a dramatic career change, but the question gets me riled up anyway, because I would not be pouring my whole self into working toward this new career if I didn't feel that I wholeheartedly wanted to make it a top priority in my life.

Yes, I'm fully aware that there will be struggles, especially at first, but how am I supposed to work through those struggles if I'm not focused on dedicating most of my time to overcoming the hurdles? And I couldn't do that if I remained stuck in an office 40 hours a week and chose to do personal training "on the side."

Although I loathe my current occupation, pursuing this career change does not mean that I'm simply pursuing a "means to an end." In fact, I feel incredibly blessed to have found a way to turn my passion into my profession. But I also know that by doing so, a lot of time and hard work is required to excel, and to exceed the expectations of myself and others.

I will never plan to run only three of the six miles on that trail in Ohio ever again, and I will never plan to "half-ass" any major goal I set for myself.

Checking In on Being Checked Out

So, as a follow up to my last post regarding my job situation, yesterday I was called into my supervisor's office yet again. Only I was told this time that they will, in fact, still require my services once the company is sold to the new firm. And get this - I was upset about it.

Holy crap - how fucking much does one have to hate their job in order to be upset upon finding out there won't be any layoffs after all?!

I feel like such a brat for feeling this way. The fact that there are a gazillion Americans who'd love to have a job - any job - is not lost on me.

But I can fully admit that ever since I got word to start looking for another job, it's been really challenging to focus on spreadsheets. I mentally checked myself out as soon as I got the news of my pending layoff, because simply learning that there was light at the end of the tunnel made me want to run - no, sprint - toward the exit.

Oh, wait. Who am I kidding? I have to be honest - I am no more checked out at this point than I have been for yeeeeeaaaarrrs!! In fact, I've been restless for so long that it's far more challenging for me to think about the last time I was actually motivated to stare at spreadsheets.

But it did feel good for a while to feel less guilty for blogging during work hours, taking two hour lunch breaks, or, taking two lunch breaks.

Wait, who am I kidding?! I've never really felt too guilty about that before either!

I know this must sound terrible and like I have a horrible work ethic, but as a veteran office drone, sometimes I just need to push the envelope and shake things up to remind myself that I'm human and I actually have a pulse. I need to always be mindful of the fact that life is not as black and white or as symmetrical as the grids upon which I manipulate data.

Yes, of course I'm eternally grateful for the paycheck I receive every two weeks, and I continue to consistently perform my work tasks in an organized and timely manner, but it's miserable work, and I work for miserable people, and I'm beyond ready to finally say, "Peace out, bitches!!!"

Patience. Patience. Patience. Patience.

The good thing about this whole situation is that I'm still fully committed to getting my personal training certification, and now I'll just be making money until I can quit my horrible job on my own terms.

In the meantime, I'm maintaining an "attitude of gratitude," but this pic expertly describes my attitude in the office regardless of whether it's a Monday or a Friday...

The Challenge to Change

Even though Glinda was supposedly the "good witch" in The Wizard of Oz, I always thought she was a real A-hole for not telling Dorothy that she'd had the power to get herself back to Kansas all along. Instead, Glinda's lips remained zipped as she watched Dorothy face obstacles while following the occasionally unforgiving yellow brick road.

And even though Glinda eventually explained to Dorothy that she never would have believed it if she were told right away that she'd had the power to get back to Auntie Em and Uncle Henry, I never understood why she had to face an evil witch, flying monkeys, etc. during her journey to the Emerald City.

That is, I never understood until I reflected upon my own path down my own occasionally unforgiving yellow brick road. I truly believe that facing my own versions of evil witches and flying monkeys over the years has helped steer me in the right direction, and has kept me on the path I was intended to follow all along.

As you may have noticed, I've sprinkled hints throughout my last few blog posts regarding a big life change in the works. Well, it's true! I'm getting out of my terrible, horrible, miserable job in Corporate America to pursue my personal training certification. Promoting health and fitness is my number one priority and passion, so why not also make it my livelihood? As my Dad says, "When you love your job, then you never have to go to work." I like that philosophy. A lot.

And although I've found myself wondering, "Why didn't I do this sooner?," I believe that every experience up to this point - good and bad - has led me exactly to where I needed to be in order to ultimately make this new career decision. Approximately zero of my friends were shocked when I revealed my new plan, because they've felt that this is what I should have been doing all along. But, like Dorothy, I needed to figure it out on my own.

Incidentally, during my perpetual quest for "somewhere over the rainbow," I've realized that an office on the 30th floor of a skyscraper may seem glamorous, but it's no place like home (or, the gym, in my case). By finally listening to my instincts, I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never be happy in an office setting. I've also recognized that I've been ignoring my gut for years because I simply couldn't imagine a world outside the realm of paid health insurance and a traditional 8am - 5pm work day. But by surrendering previous perceptions, and choosing to be open to more possibilities, I've allowed my nagging gut to have its say, making my head finally realize what my heart already knew.

However, although getting certified is not as expensive as obtaining another degree, it's pricey enough to where I had to fully contemplate the commitment to invest myself. And prior to ordering my personal training study materials, my mind was spewing forth doubts and what ifs. But because I've taken for granted the security of my current occupation for too long, it wasn't until that security was compromised that I was ultimately propelled to take the plunge.

It just so happened, that a few weeks ago, at the peak of indecisive thoughts chaotically swirling around in my brain like a Kansas-style twister, I was called into my supervisor's office to learn (well, to confirm my suspicions) that my company is in the process of being sold, and that I should probably start looking for another job. Okay, then. If a green light was what I was waiting for, then I certainly got it in that moment. In fact, it wasn't unlike years of casually expressing the desire to skydive, and then suddenly being pushed out of a plane.

But who knows how long I would have remained comfortable and hesitated to make a change had life not pushed me out of a proverbial plane at that moment? Also, while I should probably be much more stressed out about my situation, I've actually never been happier. I'm discovering that perhaps "uncertainty" doesn't have to be feared. That maybe uncertainty can feel liberating sometimes. In fact, I no longer feel "stuck," or "trapped," which is how I've described feeling for so long. Of course, I'm nervous, excited, overwhelmed, and experiencing all of those other emotions associated with change, but I'm ready for it. And I doubt I'd feel so ready had the frustrations and low points of my past not worked to strengthen me, thus making me less fearful of pursuing change and overcoming challenges.

I'm fully aware that there is no guarantee I'll be successful in my new venture, but the very definition of faith is "believing without seeing," and isn't a tremendous amount of faith required when pursuing any dream? No matter what, I know in my heart of hearts that this is what I have to do. What I want to do. What I will do.

Finally, like Dorothy, the biggest lesson I've learned from following the yellow brick road thus far is that, "If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."

Motivated Procrastinator

I purchased new workout clothes last night to avoid doing laundry for one... more... day.

Lazy, but not lazy. Y'know?

I'd rather call off from my job due to nothing to wear than skip a workout just because all of my sports bras are in the hamper.

Speaking of my job, I'm in desperate need of new clothes for work. It dawned on me this morning that I've owned the black pants I'm wearing now for SEVEN years! In fact, the button only just fell off a few minutes ago - oddly, after I started typing this post.

But I always find that I would much rather purchase new clothes for the gym instead. So, I do.

And yet, I truly believe my priorities are in order.

I dream of a life where yoga pants replace work slacks. And I think I can make that dream a reality...

Grabbing the Bull by the Balls

I can't help but wonder how much further along I'd be in life had I adopted the philosophy to "grab the bull by the balls" sooner. My girlfriends and I were discussing this idea in a somewhat literal sense a couple weekends ago (hee hee), but I think it applies to getting what I want out of life too!

Anyway, I'm desperate to make a change, and I'm tired of using the excuse that "it's not the right time." But if not now, then when? I ain't gettin' any younger. But I am still young, and there hasn't been better time to overhaul my life than right now.

For years I've been standing on the sidelines watching others get what I want. Well, it's time to get what I want too, no matter what I have to do to get it, dammit.

I'm tired of hating my soul-sucking job. I'm even more tired of complaining about it. I'm tired of not having the time and money to travel. I'm tired of being disappointed by love. Basically, I'm tired of not living the life I had imagined.

Instead of being well-traveled, having a fulfilling job, a great boyfriend, and thoroughly living the exciting big-city life I had envisioned growing up, I feel as though my life has slowly plateaued since I risked moving from a small town to a big city a decade ago. A  decade ago. It's time to take a giant leap forward again, don't you think? I'm well overdue.

So what's holding me back? Moving to Chicago from Cuyahoga Falls was terrifying because I had no job, no place to live, barely any money, and I barely knew anyone. But when I reflect upon that time in my life, I don't think about the perpetual nausea I felt from being constantly worried that I wouldn't "make it." Instead, I remember how excited I was that I was experiencing great change and working toward making my dream come true. I may have been terribly naive, but I was also extremely open, ready, and willing to embrace any challenge I faced. Refusing the option to "give up" was the secret to my success. I desperately need to channel the risk-taker in myself again. I know she's in there. Somewhere.

I did attempt a risk by trying the whole career overhaul thing in the recent past, but I stupidly let that one failure knock me down without ever making an attempt to get back up, brush myself off, and move on to the next option. And I know I saved money for plans to travel to Italy last year, but was slapped with a $5k dentist bill instead. And the love thing? Well, unfortunately, that's not totally in my control, but I do tend to unnecessarily shut down following each disappointment.

However, I know that I need to change my attitude in order to change my life. For instance, nobody is telling me that I have to sit behind a desk crunching numbers all day, so why the f#$% am I doing it? Also, it's not like Italy is going anywhere, so why not take comfort in that fact? And instead of declaring Spinsterhood, why not choose instead to keep my heart open with the hope that I'll eventually find myself in a flurry of reciprocated feelings with someone?

Change is very scary, but I'm far more terrified of one day regretting the risks I didn't take. I've let failure and disappointment control my life for way too long.

Don't get me wrong, though, I have made a ton of progress in the last decade, and I'm still so in love with Chicago and the people I've met since moving here. I've discovered and fostered many passions while living here too, making me a better and more well-rounded person. I may loathe my job and the company I work for, but I have been promoted several times in the eight years I've been with them. In fact, doubling my salary since I started my job has allowed me to pay off credit cards and become very fiscally responsible. And although I haven't been to Europe yet, I am thankful for the amazing travel experiences I have had in the past decade. I'm also thankful for the lessons I've learned from each failed relationship, despite having to learn from the same mistakes several times.

I've learned so much and have grown tremendously since being that naive newcomer with big city dreams ten years ago, but it's time to take all that work I put into myself and convert it into action for reaching some new, beyond-my-wildest-dreams goals. I've built a very sturdy foundation, and it's time to build something wonderful upon it. I have the energy & motivation, but I just need a plan. Actually, by finally allowing myself to listen to my heart, I've happily discovered that I already have one.

And while I'm very lucky that I am strong enough to be able to find the good in every situation, I am more than ready to find the GREAT in me.

The Light Inside the Tunnel

Reason #456,897 why I love my city:

This trio is my favorite of the "regular" subway performers I see every week. They usually sing old school songs like "Mamma Said" and "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" with impeccable harmony and unique arrangements, but they busted out their own special rendition of "The Wheels on the Bus" for this little guy, who was smiling and dancing the whole time. Witnessing this moment just made me so happy. I didn't even care that I had to let two overcrowded trains come and go by before I could get on one.

I love that Chicago has the ability to ignite joy within an otherwise ordinary, unremarkable, average Tuesday.

Training Wheels

I think the reason I'm so enamored with working out at the gym is because fitness is never finished. Every accomplishment only leads to a new goal. Working out is one activity in this world where your potential to achieve is virtually limitless! And for people who prefer the journey to the destination, the gym is the perfect place to enjoy the ride. 

For me, there is no better feeling than climbing into bed at night after a tough workout and experiencing the burnout sensation that feels like my muscles are melting into the mattress. That's the moment when I'm free to acknowledge my most important accomplishment of the day.

As I briefly mentioned in this post, I joined a brand new gym back in September because it was less expensive and offered more amenities than my last gym. And it didn't take long before I adjusted to a consistent fitness regimen that was similar to the one at my previous gym. It also didn't take long to begin exchanging "hellos" with a certain personal trainer I'd see upon each visit.

And after a few months, that certain personal trainer came up to me one day and literally took over my work out. And I haven't been on own at the gym since. Even when I'm without his assistance, I always feel constant support from him and never feel alone.

As someone who had previously been very confident with her workouts and who very much preferred solitude at the gym, allowing someone else to take over my most cherished and coveted time of the day was out of character for me. But to my surprise, letting Fabian take charge felt like the most natural interruption in the world. And, well, he is easy on the eyes, so I'll admit that the decision to surrender control wasn't really an issue.

Anyway, I've always been good about pushing myself regarding fitness. Before I met my trainer, I'd consistently participate in group fitness classes, for example. I'd also average 5 workouts a week and stick to a healthy diet. I really never saw a need for a personal trainer. But my whole workout routine dramatically changed once I began training with one.

Contradictory feelings come to mind when I think about my sessions with Fabian. But experiencing each combination of these contradictory feelings strikes a rich balance, always leaving me feeling centered after every workout. In fact, improving balance and stability was one of my goals when I began training, but I had no idea that this goal would apply both mentally and physically.

For example, being pushed by someone other than myself (and therefore not being held back by false limitations) can be extremely humbling, yet conquering any given challenge is a tremendous confidence boost.

Another example of contradiction occurs when I try new exercises or switch to heavier weights, because although the challenge makes me feel extremely vulnerable, it's also when I feel the strongest. Similarly, I've learned to surrender to each new movement, yet simultaneously control it. And relaxing my demeanor while working to fatigue my muscles at the same time may sound counteractive, but it's necessary for success.

Like the lessons I often write about from yoga, experiencing these contradictory feelings is positively affecting my attitude outside of the gym as well. I also think that the biggest mental reward I've gained from training is how I've learned to turn reluctance into willingness by swapping "I can't" for "I can" regarding all of the goals I'm working toward in life.

Additionally, I've been hurled out of my comfort zone a million times over since I began training, and not just regarding strength workouts. For instance, I used to prefer the anonymity of group fitness classes. And now I share the same training floor with the "dudes," even when Fabian isn't by my side. It can be intimidating at times, especially when I make a bonehead move like dropping a tiny doughnut weight and chasing it like a doofus while it rolls across the floor. (It never fails - this type of shit usually occurs the exact moment I start feeling cocky!). But it's also a huge ego boost when a big, muscly dude compliments my hard work or tells me, "That looks difficult."

Also, it used to be that if I didn't know how to use a certain machine, then I wouldn't go near it. Now I'm asking the guys to trade off sets with me. Granted, the weight has to be dramatically changed each time it's my turn, but the guys are very respectful of my gym time too, and even take it upon themselves to adjust the weight for me. I think they must know better than to mess with this skinny white girl!

Finally, it may seem odd that anyone could be so in love with an activity where the "training wheels" never really come off, but for me, there is no better motivation than knowing that fitness is never finished.

You Choo Choo Choose Me?

"And there's a picture of a train!"

Every Valentine's Day I can't help but think about the endearing reaction of little Ralphie Wiggum from The Simpsons when Lisa gives him this card for Valentine's Day. Granted, she gives it to him out of pity because there were no cards for him in his box, but the scene still makes my heart melt.

After reading a little too much into Lisa's card, Ralph then invites Lisa on a date to see Krusty the Clown Live. Because Lisa really wants to see the show, she plays along and agrees to go even though she doesn't like Ralph.

As Lisa has feared, the camera pans to them during the show and Ralph professes his love for her on TV. Embarrassed, Lisa finally loses her cool and shouts, "I don't like you. I never liked you. And the only reason I gave you that valentine is that nobody else would!"

Later, while watching a video of the show, Bart slows the tape down to show Lisa that "You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half."

Awww, poor Ralph! And while I've been on both sides of the rejection wall many times in my life, the first time I ever experienced heartbreak was in 3rd grade due to a Valentine's Day card gone awry.

I had had a crush on Jason since kindergarten. We were both left-handed, and on the first day of school, he taught me how to draw a star on the chalk board. You could say it was "love at first chalk drawing." Jason's birthday was also two days prior to mine, and when I found out that my mother and Jason's mother shared a hospital room in the maternity ward, I knew we were meant to be.

I continued to carry my obsession for my crush quietly through kindergarten, first, and second grades, but when third grade rolled around, I guess I thought that something finally needed to give. So, I did.

I was grocery shopping with my Mom one evening in February when we passed by the greeting card section in the store. The section was beaming with pink and red, an indication that Valentine's Day was just around the corner. I can't remember if it was my idea or my Mom's, but somehow it was determined that I needed to give Jason a "special" Valentine's Day card, while the rest of my classmates received chintzy 3x3 Barbie-themed valentines that came in sheets, and you had to separate the cards using the perforated lines.

After much browsing for the perfect card that would undoubtedly reveal my own pink & red feelings for Jason, I was confident with my final selection. In fact, I still remember the printed sentiment exactly. The cover read, "I'd give you my heart for Valentine's Day" - open the card - "but you've had it all along."

So on the night of February 13th, I busied myself with decorating my own receptacle for various cartoon-themed chintzy valentines to be received by me from my classmates. As was the tradition every year in elementary school, I cut a slot in an old shoe box and covered it with tin foil and various sizes of pink and red construction paper hearts. When I finished the box, I signed all of the Barbie cards to my classmates, as well as my card to Jason. I was prepared and excited for the greatest Valentine's Day of my life.

The next morning, I was feeling brave and I was armed with LOVE! What could go wrong?!

When it came time in school that day to distribute our cards, the sharply contrasted size of Jason's card compared to rest of the bunch did not go unnoticed by my classmates, and they didn't hesitate to annoyingly inquire. But I diligently ignored all questions and confidently headed up to the silver boxes lining the window sill when it was my turn. The distribution was going smoothly until I reached Jason's box, which was located roughly in the middle. I discovered right away that my giant card for him would not fit into the designated slot. I tried though. Oh boy did I try to stuff that puppy in there! But it just wouldn't fit. And a line was quickly forming behind me with my fellow students bumping into each other and stepping on each other's heels, confused as to the reason for the hold up. Frustrated, and no doubt with my cheeks totally bursting with crimson, I finally just opened the damn box top (ripping a construction paper heart or two in my haste), and jammed the card inside.

And after each remaining personalized card had been placed into its corresponding shiny shoe box, I casually made my way back to my seat. And now it was time to wait. Time to wait and stare with anticipation for Jason's reaction to my professed love.

Now, I've been thinking about it a lot, and for the life of me I just cannot remember what on earth I expected to happen when Jason opened my big ass valentine. But the reality of what resulted can be compared to the scene in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation when Clark drags the whole family out of the house and creates much fanfare in anticipation for viewing the Christmas lights he'd  been installing all day, only for his elaborate illumination efforts to fail. During this scene, you hear the orchestral music swell, and when the millions of tiny bulbs don't light up, the music immediately cuts off, save for symbols crashing off beat.

Even though I had accidentally torn one of Jason's construction paper hearts on his box, my giddy anticipation compared to Jason's face failing to light up after opening my card caused my heart to tear. His face was so expressionless while reading the card -the card I had so carefully and painstakingly selected- that you would've thought he'd been reading from the list of that week's spelling words.

If there had been video recorded of the third grade Valentine's Day party at Richardson Elementary that day, you could have slowed down the tape and actually pinpointed the second when my heart ripped in half.

I had been crushed by my crush!

The outcome may not have been what I had hoped for, but as I look back on that situation as an adult, I'm actually really proud of myself for having taken that risk. And sometimes, I wish I was still just as ballsy as that knobby kneed 3rd grader.

And although it has been a million years since my very own St. Valentine's Day massacre, I'm still somewhat weary about giving V-Day cards. Which is the reason why, even though I love arts and crafts, I chose to avoid a panic attack by respectfully declining a friend's invitation to a Valentine's Day card making party at Paper Source only a few weeks ago.

Intention Retention

In reference to my previous post, I had an immeasurable amount of success with "setting my intention" for the entire week last week. Not only did I stick with it, but I've been inspired to set a weekly intention going forward.

I'll admit that staying focused last week wasn't always easy. There was a time or two when I'd catch myself ruminating about one thing or another, and I would then need to remind myself, "For crying out loud, Steph! Stay in the F@#$ing moment!" I also found myself repeating the words, "positive thoughts and outcomes, positive thoughts and outcomes" quite a bit, which has carried over into this week as well.

Setting my intention for the week was an excellent experiment, and the experience really drove home the fact that our good fortune is mostly a result of our good intentions. And while it's crucial to have faith and trust in the process of life, it's crucial to passionately engage in that process too.

On a partially related note, a couple weekends ago I was having dinner with my closest friends, and I agreed to share a bottle of Evolution wine with one of my best girls, Jennie, after she very enthusiastically discovered it on the menu and told me it was her absolute favorite. Upon consuming my half, I agreed that it was indeed very delicious. So delicious, in fact, that last weekend I checked to see if it is sold at Target. Much to my delight, it is!

Upon scooping up a bottle from the shelf and reading the label, I discovered that Evolution wine is a combination of several different types of white wines. The creators named it "Evolution" because they tried & tested, mixed & matched, and built one upon the other until they reached a flavor so magnificent that they deemed it fit to share with the world.

The label also notes that the creators of Evolution wine shun the idea that dumb luck is responsible for the successful outcome, and instead tout the intention of their masterpiece. And as you can probably guess, I instantly decided it was a sign to buy a bottle as a reward for setting my own intentions to evolve.