In honor of my looming 10 Year Anniversary of living in Chicago, I'm enlisting the help of a guest blogger: Myself! 10 years ago!
Here are some excerpts from my journal entries recorded by 23-year-old Steph during the first few months of life in the Big City. Re-reading these after so many years has reminded me (perhaps now more than ever) that maintaining faith and "pushing through" despite fear and self-doubt are crucial for acheiving your biggest goals. Enjoy.
Oh wait! First, some background information: Immediately upon visiting Chicago for the first time for New Year's Eve 2001, I was smitten with the city. Even though I had always planned to move to NYC after college graduation, I knew after just one visit that Chicago was where I belonged. So, after graduation, I moved back in with my parents and got a job at a car dealership, a bar, and a tanning salon that doubled as a laundromat (that place was exactly as weird as it sounds. Ohio thing, I guess). Anyway, I told myself that I had one year to work as hard as I could to save as much money as I could so I could move to Chicago. And in exactly one year (to the day!) from starting my job at the dealership, I quit all my jobs. So one morning in May of 2002 my Dad drove me, my clothes, and an air mattress to Chicago. He literally dropped me off, and headed right back home to Ohio. My nephew's uncle, Jason, was living in Chicago at the time and graciously offered for me to temporarily crash at the apartment where he and his two roommates lived.
Thursday, May 30, 2002
Subject: What the Hell Am I Doing?
Well, I am in Chicago. I did it. I made it. So why do I feel so lousy???
Well, the fact is, I may not be here for long if I don't find a job. I had a terrible experience my first full day in the city. I went to a job interview that turned out to be one big disaster. It was definitely a "heads up" though. A total reality check. It turned out to be some employment agency that lures people in by making them think they are applying for some glamorous job. I was ready, willing, and confident to put on a great show, but I didn't have to. Instead, I was made to take spelling and typing tests to prove my worth. Turned out, according to those tests, I'm not worth much. But for reasons beyond me, the woman thought if I took all those tests over, then I would have what it takes to be a paralegal. A what?!?! Excuse me? Where did that come from??? After only knowing me for 15 minutes, she "knew" that was my destiny. I felt so pressured, so forced, so "I want to be anywhere but here." I know it was simply her job to fill a position, but at the expense of my misery? After over 2 hours of agony and rapidly plummeting confidence, I bolted.
Two more lessons I've learned since I got here.... okay three: Never buy bottled water and diet coke on the same day when walking to the grocery store. Never buy shoes and walk many miles in them the first day they are purchased. And finally, if I go out to eat by myself, always bring reading material.
These are some things that no one has taught me so far. I guess trial and error is the best and only way to really learn the city. Tomorrow's big adventure is the subway on my own. EEEEEEEEEK!!!!!
I don't believe I have ever been homesick like this before. I really miss my family and all of the comforts of home. I really miss my brother. I can't even call my family without getting all choked up. Right now, I could say that I want to go home. I want to get the hell out of this foreign city and just go home. Home. Where I am comfortable. Where I am loved. Where I speak more than once a day. I am so lonely! In a city filled with millions of interesting people, I am so alone. So isolated. And I have no money!!!! What was I thinking? What am I doing? I don't belong here!
Okay, calm down. I am in a brand new fucking city. Of course I don't feel like I fit in. I just need to give it a chance. I have never been so scared. But I just need to give it a chance. I know I will love it once I get used to things. I need to be more positive and quit being so intimidated. I already feel like everyone else is better than I am. I feel as if I am in high school all over again.
I'll get over it. Things will get better. I will be okay. I have to be. I want to be.
Sunday, June 30, 2002
Subject: It's Wanting What You've Got
Well it has been exactly one month since I last wrote and so much has changed. I really love Chicago. I am so much more comfortable with the area and the way things work around here. I still do not have a job though, which has been a pain in the ass. I also am still staying at Jason's house, where I have completely invaded his space. Totally took over his bedroom. I met a friend named Chloe. She is the coolest! I have had so much fun getting to know her and I am convinced I'd be lost without her. I have also been spending time with Maia and Leah. Super fun girls. Super glad I have them as well. I have already had some pretty crazy evenings since I have been in Chicago. I needed all that. No regrets. I miss home. I miss it a lot. But all I have to do is remember why I left, and then I am proud to be in the city. This place is great. So much to do. But if I don't find a job soon (I think I am close), then I am outta here. I am running out of money so quickly. I am temping right now, but it isn't exactly raking in the dough. I am so longing for a place of my own. I need my privacy. I really do. All I have wanted my whole life was my very own apartment. My very own. Well, hopefully next time I write, I will be employed. And then the time after that, I will have signed a lease to my very own studio!!!! Well, Chloe and I are going to do laundry right now so I better go. I really wish I had been documenting my time all along, but I am glad I had these few minutes to catch up.
Monday, July 8, 2002
Subject: None
I went to church today. Just something I really felt the need to do. In a desperate search for some spiritual guidance, I ignored my need to sleep in this morning and went to visit God.
The message wasn't as enlightening as I had hoped, but it did help some. I am not really sure what message I was seeking. I guess I was really looking for God to tell me what the next step is. I am so confused. Moving to Chicago has without a doubt been the hardest and most confusing time in my life. I honestly never know how I am going to live one day to the next. I am so anxious and unsettled. Depressed, depressed, soooo damn depressed. I just want to know that everything will be okay, that everything IS okay. I guess I can just pray and pray and pray. And actively engage myself as much as possible.
I am really hoping that the next time I journal, I will have so much positive energy to share.
Thursday, July 9, 2002
Subject: I Want to Soak Up the Sun
Okay, so I am writing again - but without any "I got a job" news. How come it used to be so easy??? Ugh!!! So discouraged. Wouldn't be so discouraging if I weren't on a freaking time limit... or broke. Seriously broke. Getting verrrrrrry desperate!!! Will sell my body. Okay, yea right. But I'm not beyond that. Ugh!
Had a wonderful experience with God today. Realized he was speaking, I just wasn't listening. Very enlightening day with God. Thank You.
Tuesday, July 16, 2002
Subject: I'll Be There...
I am soooooooooo running up the bill on Jason's Kinko's card right now. Oh well, he offered. How terrible!
Anyway, I have an interview tomorrow. I am trying not to tell too many people because I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them shot down. :( That has happened way too much already. I want to believe that my whole life does not depend on tomorrow's interview, but in a way, it does. It is the ONLY thing I really have in the works right now although I have been faxing resumes like crazy. $60 worth just today, in fact. I REALLY cannot afford to do that anymore.
So Chloe is the best. I am so glad I met her. She is so what Janet was to me my freshman year of college. As much as I think I am independent, I really need a supportive girl friend behind me. Not only does she help me, but it feels good for me to help her. Just today Chloe reflected on a bit of "wisdom" I offered earlier this week and I was proud that I was able to make her "think." Feels good.
I'm also having a really good time with the guys in the house. I am really beginning to let my guard down (finally after 2 months!!) and it feels so liberating. I am letting my humorous side slip out without reservation. They are finally beginning to see ME! ..... still adamant about living on my own though :)
Anyway, I should head back, it's getting dark. I really hope I get this job tomorrow. I love Chicago. This is my dream. And even though the position is for reception, I could never really hate it. No way will I EVER take another job for granted after going through this trying experience!!!! What a lesson. There is always a lesson. That is life.... and I won't complain :) :) :)
Thursday, July 18, 2002
Subject: Big Dreams Just Need Big Hearts
Well, this is the journal entry I have been waiting to write for a very long time. I GOT A JOB!!!! I am not sure if I could be any happier. I have been beaming all morning long. All of the hard work, all of the lessons - it has all been worth it. I really had to learn a lot before I was just handed my dream. I am so glad I did. God has everybody learn in their own way, and God taught me the way I needed to be taught. These past two months have been the hardest months of my life, but I would not trade the learning experience for anything. It was just the kick in the pants I needed.
I am still having trouble believing all of this is real. It just seems so fabulous to me right now. I am so happy!
I think the biggest lesson I have learned is that, "with God, all things are possible." I would never be where I am right now if I didn't look to God for strength. God taught me that I had to believe in myself first and foremost. I finally get it!
I am so about learning. Never stop learning. I may have overcome one huge obstacle, but I will never stop pursuing and dreaming. And I sure will be happy doing so. I am sincerely proud of myself. I am really, truly proud of myself. I did it! I made it! I love the world...
A million Thank Yous...........
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
The Big Bang Theory
When I was home during Thanksgiving last year, I decided to root through some old photos in an effort to find any cool, vintage-looking ones to frame. Incidentally, during my quest I came across a photo of myself that was both hilarious and horrifying. It was taken at the orthodontist's office when I was 10 years old. I was wearing "head gear," which was an awful metal brace that attached to cemented bands on my molars, and also wrapped around the circumference of my head. Despite the barbed wire around my face, though, my goofy smile drew attention to the giant gap between my two front teeth, which resulted from another orthodontic contraption called a "palate expander," which wasn't unlike a mid-evil torture device, as it literally worked to break the bone between my two front teeth in an effort to widen my mouth. Also, in the background of the picture there was a poster of a HUGE smiley face with braces, and big letters that read, "Braces are Beautiful!" Upon discovering the priceless relic, I showed it to my Mom and said, "Braces are beautiful... unless you're Steph... and you look like THIS." She immediately gasped and exclaimed, "What's wrong with your hair?!" Never mind my hair, I thought. What about my busted grill?!
But, my Mom did bring up a good point. I was sporting those hideous giant bangs that were sooooo cool in the 80's and early 90's. And it made me wonder, why did that hairstyle ever seem attractive? How did manipulating a small tuft of hair located on the top of your forehead to create the look of ocean waves ever seem like a good idea? And why was bigger always better?
I also remember that once you committed to big bangs, there was no turning back. For example, one day in sixth grade, at the "height" of the big bang obsession, I decided to be rebellious (or maybe I just felt lazy) and chose not to curl, tease, and shellac my bangs for school. As a result, so many people came up to me that day and asked if I was "okay," because my hair wasn't "done." I realized that my bangs must have looked so pitiful and depressed compared to the regular "party" vibe they normally projected.
And even though my Mom was horrified by my hair in the pic from the orthodontist's office, she, too, was guilty of sporting some awesomely huge hair around the same time as well. In fact, I realize now that my Mom's multi-layered permed hair wasn't so different from a mullet, except instead of being "business in front, and party in the back," it was, "party in the front, AND party in the back." Ooooh yeah! And doesn't the word "party" come to mind when thinking of the 80's anyway? Big-ass bangs paired perfectly with neon colors, acid-washed jeans, and splatter paint t-shirts!
Sporting huge hair didn't always mean that life was a "party," however. For instance, adopting such a time-consuming hairstyle that was constantly challenged to defy gravity did not make for smooth mornings in our household. The progression of pure rage would occur any time that one little section of hair wouldn't cooperate, no matter how much Salon Selectives Super Hold Hair Spray was used to glue it all together. Those high maintenance hairdos always carried the risk for "bad hair days," and many times you were sure that your life was ruined because the bouquet on the top of your head wasn't quite perfect. In fact, I can remember being in my bedroom while my Mom was monopolizing the bathroom and hearing combs and curling irons being slammed down onto the sink out of frustration, which alerted everyone in the house to the fact that Mom is at war with her bangs! My temper wasn't exactly kept in check regarding my own bang battles either, though. I even remember bursting into tears a few times, feeling defeated by own army of styling tools.
Thankfully, the Big Bang trend eventually came crashing down - not unlike the ocean waves they resembled. Hairstyles from different decades may go in and out of style all the time, but let's all cross our fingers and hope that the trend of big bangs never returns. Of course, if "mom jeans" are making a comeback, then I guess anything is possible. The horrors!
But, my Mom did bring up a good point. I was sporting those hideous giant bangs that were sooooo cool in the 80's and early 90's. And it made me wonder, why did that hairstyle ever seem attractive? How did manipulating a small tuft of hair located on the top of your forehead to create the look of ocean waves ever seem like a good idea? And why was bigger always better?
I also remember that once you committed to big bangs, there was no turning back. For example, one day in sixth grade, at the "height" of the big bang obsession, I decided to be rebellious (or maybe I just felt lazy) and chose not to curl, tease, and shellac my bangs for school. As a result, so many people came up to me that day and asked if I was "okay," because my hair wasn't "done." I realized that my bangs must have looked so pitiful and depressed compared to the regular "party" vibe they normally projected.
And even though my Mom was horrified by my hair in the pic from the orthodontist's office, she, too, was guilty of sporting some awesomely huge hair around the same time as well. In fact, I realize now that my Mom's multi-layered permed hair wasn't so different from a mullet, except instead of being "business in front, and party in the back," it was, "party in the front, AND party in the back." Ooooh yeah! And doesn't the word "party" come to mind when thinking of the 80's anyway? Big-ass bangs paired perfectly with neon colors, acid-washed jeans, and splatter paint t-shirts!
Sporting huge hair didn't always mean that life was a "party," however. For instance, adopting such a time-consuming hairstyle that was constantly challenged to defy gravity did not make for smooth mornings in our household. The progression of pure rage would occur any time that one little section of hair wouldn't cooperate, no matter how much Salon Selectives Super Hold Hair Spray was used to glue it all together. Those high maintenance hairdos always carried the risk for "bad hair days," and many times you were sure that your life was ruined because the bouquet on the top of your head wasn't quite perfect. In fact, I can remember being in my bedroom while my Mom was monopolizing the bathroom and hearing combs and curling irons being slammed down onto the sink out of frustration, which alerted everyone in the house to the fact that Mom is at war with her bangs! My temper wasn't exactly kept in check regarding my own bang battles either, though. I even remember bursting into tears a few times, feeling defeated by own army of styling tools.
Thankfully, the Big Bang trend eventually came crashing down - not unlike the ocean waves they resembled. Hairstyles from different decades may go in and out of style all the time, but let's all cross our fingers and hope that the trend of big bangs never returns. Of course, if "mom jeans" are making a comeback, then I guess anything is possible. The horrors!
The below pic is from 5th grade, when I was obsessed with DJ Tanner's hair from the TV show, Full House. Despite the cruciferous vegetable growing from my head, this is my favorite school picture ever.
This pic was taken Christmas morning. Even a hat can't cramp by bang style... or mash them down.
This is me holding my cousin, Brittany, who just graduated college this year, incidentally. She was lucky enough to have missed the whole big bang trend.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
To Excel is to Exceed Expecations
"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing." - Ron Swanson from the TV show Parks and Recreation
***
There is a six-mile running trail located within one of the many parks near my parent's house in Ohio that I try to run every time I visit them. Much of the trail is encased in a cathedral of trees, and the most prominent sounds come from the gushing river, or the critters that make their home within nature's bounty. The path is tranquil, calming, and beautiful. It's a place on earth where I feel closest to God and my truest self. Also, it's one hell of a hilly challenge.
The running path may be six miles long, but the first time my Dad drove me to the starting point a couple years ago, I told him I was only going to run the first three miles, and requested that he pick me up in about a half hour. My Dad asked me if I was certain that I would only run three miles, and after a slight pause, I assured him that thirty minutes was all the time I needed.
Something changed while I was running, though. Not only was the run both extremely challenging and exhilarating, but I couldn't imagine giving up once I hit the three mile mark. Suddenly, I was hell bent on running the whole six miles, and it felt amazing to push myself and break through the limitations that only I had set for myself.
Upon completing the six miles, I fully expected my Dad to be pissed at me for making him wait in the parking area for an extra half hour. Instead, I saw my Dad's jeep pulling into the parking lot only as I was crossing the "finish line." I immediately asked him why he wasn't already there when I had told him that I'd only need a half hour. He replied with, "I know how you are. I saw the look in your eyes before you got out of the car, and I knew you'd run the whole thing."
***
I've noticed a common reaction to telling people -not including my friends & family- that I'm going into personal fitness training. People react, for example, by asking me if personal training will be a "side job" for me, or a way to make "extra" money. My swift and adamant reply is, "NO!"
I realize that people who don't know me all that well are simply surprised by someone making such a dramatic career change, but the question gets me riled up anyway, because I would not be pouring my whole self into working toward this new career if I didn't feel that I wholeheartedly wanted to make it a top priority in my life.
Yes, I'm fully aware that there will be struggles, especially at first, but how am I supposed to work through those struggles if I'm not focused on dedicating most of my time to overcoming the hurdles? And I couldn't do that if I remained stuck in an office 40 hours a week and chose to do personal training "on the side."
Although I loathe my current occupation, pursuing this career change does not mean that I'm simply pursuing a "means to an end." In fact, I feel incredibly blessed to have found a way to turn my passion into my profession. But I also know that by doing so, a lot of time and hard work is required to excel, and to exceed the expectations of myself and others.
I will never plan to run only three of the six miles on that trail in Ohio ever again, and I will never plan to "half-ass" any major goal I set for myself.
***
There is a six-mile running trail located within one of the many parks near my parent's house in Ohio that I try to run every time I visit them. Much of the trail is encased in a cathedral of trees, and the most prominent sounds come from the gushing river, or the critters that make their home within nature's bounty. The path is tranquil, calming, and beautiful. It's a place on earth where I feel closest to God and my truest self. Also, it's one hell of a hilly challenge.
The running path may be six miles long, but the first time my Dad drove me to the starting point a couple years ago, I told him I was only going to run the first three miles, and requested that he pick me up in about a half hour. My Dad asked me if I was certain that I would only run three miles, and after a slight pause, I assured him that thirty minutes was all the time I needed.
Something changed while I was running, though. Not only was the run both extremely challenging and exhilarating, but I couldn't imagine giving up once I hit the three mile mark. Suddenly, I was hell bent on running the whole six miles, and it felt amazing to push myself and break through the limitations that only I had set for myself.
Upon completing the six miles, I fully expected my Dad to be pissed at me for making him wait in the parking area for an extra half hour. Instead, I saw my Dad's jeep pulling into the parking lot only as I was crossing the "finish line." I immediately asked him why he wasn't already there when I had told him that I'd only need a half hour. He replied with, "I know how you are. I saw the look in your eyes before you got out of the car, and I knew you'd run the whole thing."
***
I've noticed a common reaction to telling people -not including my friends & family- that I'm going into personal fitness training. People react, for example, by asking me if personal training will be a "side job" for me, or a way to make "extra" money. My swift and adamant reply is, "NO!"
I realize that people who don't know me all that well are simply surprised by someone making such a dramatic career change, but the question gets me riled up anyway, because I would not be pouring my whole self into working toward this new career if I didn't feel that I wholeheartedly wanted to make it a top priority in my life.
Yes, I'm fully aware that there will be struggles, especially at first, but how am I supposed to work through those struggles if I'm not focused on dedicating most of my time to overcoming the hurdles? And I couldn't do that if I remained stuck in an office 40 hours a week and chose to do personal training "on the side."
Although I loathe my current occupation, pursuing this career change does not mean that I'm simply pursuing a "means to an end." In fact, I feel incredibly blessed to have found a way to turn my passion into my profession. But I also know that by doing so, a lot of time and hard work is required to excel, and to exceed the expectations of myself and others.
I will never plan to run only three of the six miles on that trail in Ohio ever again, and I will never plan to "half-ass" any major goal I set for myself.
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