To Whom it May Concern

"Dear whoever you may be, I'm still waiting patiently."

I went to The Civil Wars show last Sunday, and this lyric is the last line from their song, Tho Whom It May Concern. That song is my personal anthem right now.

Which brings me to the point of this post: I'm sooooo over being single.

Despite what I may be conveying to family, friends and society or whatever, my goal is not to be a female George Clooney. Not that I can easily love and leave supermodels whenever I want, but you catch my drift, right? I do want to commit myself to a partner in crime I can trust to stick by me for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live, dammit.

Surrrrre, being single can be SUPER fun! But it's only really enjoyable when you are fairly certain that your single status is only temporary, and when most of your girlfriends are single too. But when you've been single for two looooong years, and your best girls have been paired up for the majority of the time you've been single, it's easy to get discouraged and let your faith in finding the right guy slip into an abyss of cynicism.

After being inundated with information and advice during the past two years regarding dating, relationships, and marriage, I am finally convinced that two is better than one. And sometimes I think finding the right guy for me should be much easier than the years of bad relationships and slew of bad dates (or, bouts of no dates) I've endured. I hear stories all the time of chance meetings that turn into intentional relationships. In fact, I have a Facebook friend who met her husband via an errant text message.

And yet, one can walk into any book store and find an entire section dedicated to literature (for women, by women!) about how to capture a man and sustain a relationship. So, clearly, it's not supposed to be simple, right? Or, conversely, there must be something wrong with me, right?

Although I'm a very independent and self-sufficient woman, I have to admit that for the first time since I was a hormonal and sullen teenager, I feel pathetic about being single. Ouch. It actually hurts to admit that, because I hold a lot of pride in my independence. At 33, though, I've more than proven a point to myself that I can very well stand on my own two feet. Hell, I've learned to stand on one foot and not fall over.

Also, I don't think I've ever been single for this long, and it's frustrating. It's not fun being the odd-numbered wheel and having the waitstaff awkwardly squeeze in an extra chair at the table when dining with my coupled friends. Being the only one going home alone at the end of the evening is also not fun. And maybe I could afford to join them on all the mini-vacations they take throughout the year if only I could split the cost with a significant other. The constant and glaring reminders that I'm my only one and only are utterly heartbreaking at times.

People haven't told me that I'm "too picky," but I can't help wonder if they are thinking it? Well, I'll admit, I am picky. But I don't really intend to be so obsessively selective. I just don't feel what I'm supposed to feel with many guys I meet. While some girls fall in love with whomever asks them for a date, I am the complete opposite of those girls. I'm less than enthused about most guys. I try fighting this feeling by giving guys many more chances than I should, because I hate easily dismissing people. But despite my best efforts, my instincts are usually all up in my face telling me when I'm dealing with Mr.Wrong.

I just can't get over how many Mr. Wrongs I've encountered! Despite the excellent stories that result, having been on so many bad dates is making me feel like I'm the problem. I am a terrible chooser of dates. For crying out loud, I am a terrible chooser of dates! How many more tortuous encounters must this introvert endure before I meet the guy who makes me nervous because I have butterflies and not because I want to bolt? Sometimes I wonder if it will ever happen.

I can't believe I'm going to use this particular example, but do you know how on the show, Say Yes To the Dress, the consultants warn against trying on too many dresses, for fear that the bride will become too overwhelmed and not be able to make a decision about which one she likes best, if at all? Well, what if I've "tried on too many dresses," and I'll never really be happy with any of them because I keep thinking that something better must be available out there somewhere? *Light bulb!* This could potentially be a major reason I'm still single.

I may not be able to undo my many dating disasters (and thank goodness, because it's a lot of fun to tell the headlock story). But perhaps I should be a little more open to letting dates choose me, instead of me choosing someone and projecting all of my expectations onto that person before getting to know them, which inevitably leaves me disappointed.

Suck it, Singles!

Yes, I have been single for forever, and yes, I would love nothing more than to find that special someone. But I have to admit that part of the reason I feel that way is because, despite women's best efforts for equality, there is a stigma that remains for single women in their 30's. I'm absolutely floored by the pressure to get married in our society because it's not like married people don't have their own troubles. The grass isn't always greener.

But in fact just last week I read a bunch of articles about how, despite the growing demographic, this world is just not kind to the single lady. According to one article, lonely people don't sleep as well as their coupled peers. According to another article, single women have far more trouble getting ahead financially, especially regarding saving for retirement. And did you know that, according to yet another article, a book has been written about how there is now such a thing called "singlism?" Like racism, and ageism, etc., but referring to discrimination against single women. Are you kidding me?

I feel like Sex and the City made it trendy to be single in your 30's, but that trend died right along with the progressive-thinking TV series, and everyone has returned to the usual business of applying pity stickers on single women. And, in fact, even Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte all ended up smitten by the end of the series.

My eternally wise and wonderful Aunt Denise (who understands me more than I do sometimes, and is a major source of good, honest advice) recently sent me this article from The Huffington Post:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/20/single-married-happier_n_972397.html

It's about the happiness of single women vs. married, and while the level of happiness is fairly equal, one of the main reasons single women aren't happy with their single status is because of the pity society places on them for not being paired up. I totally agree with this idea. I'm annoyed every time I have to tell someone I'm still single, mostly because of the impending judgement, and telling people through clenched teeth that "I'm single, but I'm happy," isn't very convincing.

A lot of women choose to be single though, and good for them! I support any non-traditional life choice, like a good liberal girl should. I, however, am not necessarily single by choice. I actually want to be in a relationship. But I'm having trouble finding someone.

As much as I want to be in a relationship though, I'm accepting of the fact that God, the universe, or whatever other-worldly power simply doesn't feel I'm ready to be in a solid, committed relationship right now. I just wish there wasn't so much pressure in our society to get hitched, making single gals feel like total losers until they find a guy - ANY guy - who will do them the honor. All of the wedding shows on cable networks like Bravo and TLC only contribute to the delusion that a wedding is the single most important event in one's life. I can't even help but be sucked into it sometimes. But what about the marriage? Shouldn't we doll out credit to those women who remained single for as long as they needed to in order to find someone with whom to share a successful union?

Additionally, shows like Why Am I Still Single? and Tough Love only fuel the idea that all single people are alone because something must be seriously wrong with them. These shows cause rather normal single viewers to obsessively pick themselves apart when, in fact, the "subjects" were only chosen to be on the show because they are insane (clearly). And insane people generate ratings.

With crappy TV like this constantly shoved down our optical nerves, the fact there is so much wedding obsession in our culture and simultaneously so much divorce is no coincidence. But I'd rather be single a thousand times over than be in a shitty relationship.

I am thankful that I have the ability to stand my ground, ignore the lure of the hoopla (unlike a certain Kardashian), and be patient and still enough (thank you, yoga!) to shut out the outside judgement and listen strictly to my inner voice, which would love to politely tell society, "I'M SINGLE, BUT IT'S OK! I'M WORKING ON IT, DAMMIT!"

My Multi-Colored Parachute

As I've made abundantly clear in previous posts, I do not like my job. Besides hating the actual work, the environment is severely unhealthy. I truly believe that working amidst such bad vibes over the years has crushed my spirit and stunted my confidence. Sure, I've been promoted three times within the last eight years, and I'm incredibly thankful to be employed and to earn a decent salary, but is it worth being super miserable for 40 hours a week? I have to keep repeating the phrase, "It could be worse. It could be worse." But could it also be better? I have my doubts, and those doubts are the reason I'm stuck in workplace purgatory.

I often think about what I'd rather be doing for 8 hours a day, and turns out, there is plenty I'd rather be doing.

For example, I love writing so much that time seems to quickly melt away whenever my mind is translating thoughts and ideas into words. I also really like being creative, and I'd redecorate my living space weekly if I had the time and money.

Additionally, I love working with children, and I feel most in my element and most confident when I'm helping them. This is why I allow volunteering with kids to take up a huge chunk of my free time. I also absolutely love working out, which also takes up a huge amount of my time. I love talking about fitness, I love reading about it, and I just love how it makes me feel, because I love pushing myself physically and mentally.

So, I guess if I were to combine all of my passions into one occupation, then I would design a fitness center for underprivileged children and blog about it. Is that a thing? Does it pay well? Good health benefits? Decent retirement plan? No? Nothing like that?

Realistically, I'd be happy doing anything that had to do with any one of my passions. Hell, I'd be happy just being my own boss.

Unfortunately, I wasn't fully self aware during college (who is?!), so I majored in communications without a clear idea about where I wanted that major to lead me. I thought advertising might be super cool, but when I moved to Chicago and met people in advertising working at least 12 - 14 hour days, I realized that I could never care enough about any hot new product to let it suck up so much of my life. But, I would spend 24 hours a day doing any of my aforementioned "passions."

I feel as though my generation got the short end of the stick. Because the economy has been a wreck ever since we graduated ten years ago, we've been forced to set aside the idea of  "following our dreams," and instead "follow what is most practical." And to me, what is most practical is a salary that allows me to live and thrive on my own, health insurance, and vacation days.

I have been looking for other jobs. The search has been quite discouraging so far, however, as a lot of what sounds good either pays a lot less than what I make, or is completely outside of the realm of my qualifications. And unfortunately, as a single woman with nothing to fall back on, I can't justify taking a risk, taking a pay cut, or going back to school when I'm still paying for the first round.

Additionally, the poor economy has made me gun shy, as I'm afraid I'll start work at a new place only to fear being laid off at any moment. In fact, I don't really know a "normal" when my job wasn't dangling over my head. So, staying put and hanging on to all those accumulated vacation days until I find something I know will be secure and rewarding makes the most sense to me.

Despite the roadblocks and my concerns though, I really do believe that something better is out there. It has to be. I'm not giving up. But until I find a new job, my current one will remain the means for me to live my otherwise full life.