When I started this blog nearly 7 years ago, I was a naive 31 year old trying to get my voice heard in a big city full of big personalities. Being loud wasn't my thing, but I found out that writing was. I think back to the person I was almost 7 years ago and I think about how that girl was more of a child than a grown ass woman - a "late-bloomer," if you will. Truth be told, I still tend to relate to women 10 years younger than me, as proved by the fact that most of my clients are 27 year old women. Intelligent, bad-ass women, mind you.
Anyway, 6 years ago I was still stuck in a crappy job, for example, that I was too intelligent for, although I didn't believe so at the time and would remain stuck there for a few more years. I tried being a teacher, an experience I documented in this very blog. That experience was a stepping stone for so many big changes to come, and I don't regret it at all.
6 years ago I was also still trying to be more extroverted than I am, because that was the personality type preferred by most of my friends, acquaintances, boyfriends, dates, and society. I hadn't yet gained the confidence to give everyone the middle finger and resolve to be myself.
I was also obsessed with thinking that I was less than because I was single and not married or in a serious relationship like most people I knew at the time. Back then it never occurred to me to entertain the idea that maybe I enjoyed being single. Like, preferred being single. Instead, I frequently went on meaningless dates with people because I thought that all women in their early 30's were scrambling to find a husband, paranoid that all the good ones were already gone. But of course no suitor ever fit the bill, because deep down I knew marriage was not something I really wanted for myself.
I still considered having or adopting kids at that time to appease potential boyfriends, but have since admitted that it's totally fucking acceptable to not want kids. Ever. I will never apologize for the fact that my womb cringes and recoils at the thought of parenthood. I am not less than a woman for not wanting kids, and if you think so, you are ignorant and close-minded.
In the last 6 years I have grown up a lot. My life was very stationary for years before I started the blog, and has since been very up and down, rich with experience and revelation. I wouldn't trade any of my dark, depressing periods for good because of what I learned having had to deal with such challenging times.
One of the most positive experiences I've had since I started this blog was volunteering as a mentor for 3 years for a girl in a disadvantaged neighborhood in Chicago. I gained innumerable insights and the guts to get out of my comfort zone on the regular, which contributed to many other positive changes in my life.
I changed careers 4 years ago, a move that nearly destroyed me even though I maintain it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I lost a friendship along the way, which has also nearly destroyed me. I attribute that loss to ramifications of the career change, but also because I have since chosen to embrace my rare personality and live an unconventional life, which means I'm very misunderstood most of the time.
I have transitioned to becoming my own boss just this year, which was the most wonderful change of all. Pure autonomy is the way I was born to work, and all the energy I sacrificed while working in the corporate big box gym has since been restored. I'm getting out and doing things again, and my quality of life has improved immensely in just a few months.
I've moved several times since starting this blog. 4 different buildings, in fact. I lived with a boyfriend and endured a very challenging and tumultuous relationship, but am very thankful since moving out that somehow we manage to be best friends to this day. Most people don't understand our relationship, but I don't need them to understand. At this point in my life, I do not feel like defending myself. I do not see the world in black and white, and I think it's an ignorant mindset to do so.
I've been a bunny mama for 2 years now, and pet ownership has changed my life in only positive ways. I love caring for my bunnies and I also love the fact that I'll never have to pay for their braces or college education.
Since starting this blog, I've battled moving back to Ohio and staying in the big city that has become synonymous with my chosen lifestyle. And yet, I have finally chosen to leave my beloved big city to be closer to my family instead. That change hasn't happened quite yet, but the choice to do so has been a tumultuous ride in and of itself. How will an unmarried, child-free woman survive in the suburbs? These are real fears of mine.
Because I have evolved so much and see myself as a very different individual than the one who started this blog, I have chosen to end it. This is not the end of my writing, however. I am starting a new blog that will be a bit more specific in nature regarding the life I've chosen for myself as an unmarried, child-free woman. In college I was fascinated by early 20th century feminism, and that that fascination has been resurrected ever since I embraced this unconventional life I have chosen for myself. I am very happy and very fulfilled by my choices. The new blog is not a way for me to justify my lifestyle, but to celebrate it and hopefully a way to find my tribe. I know we are rare, but I also know we are not alone.
I'm not sure if anyone still reads this blog, but if so, this will be my last post here. If you'd like to follow my new blog, you can find me over at www.thenewwomanorder.wordpress.com
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Life of a Career Changer - Year 4
A lot has changed since I wrote this post last year regarding having completed 3 years as a personal trainer.
The biggest change is that I quit my job at the corporate gym to train independently. I complained last year about the price of being successful at the gym, and the unnecessary toll it was taking on my social life, as well as the toll it was taking on me physically and mentally. About 5 months after that post I decided I finally needed to make a change. I was tired of working so hard for so little money, and I was tired of sacrificing the quality of training in favor of the volume of training I needed to maintain to stay afloat at work.
Back in November of 2015, I decided to meet with several trainers I had worked with in the past who had since left the corporate gym to train independently. While discussing their transitions and how things have played out for them since they left, a resounding theme made itself clear - they were all happier, making more money, and they were less stressed. At that point, I knew what I had to do and I knew it would not be easy, but I also had a hunch that making a change would be worth the time and effort.
In the months following, I decided to add more education to my arsenal in order to increase my value as a trainer - and also to reconnect with why I chose this field in the first place. I had been so focused on session goals and sales numbers for so long that I felt I was losing sight of my original desire to be a personal trainer. So, I attended a 2 day workshop in January and studied like mad to acquire a new certification, which I received in April. I gained confidence from gaining more education, and that's when I thought that I just might be able to pull off becoming an independent trainer.
Don't get me wrong - I've had plenty of self doubt and concerns along the way. There were many times when I thought I'd have no choice but to be stuck being miserable at the corporate gym forever. Instead I chose to trust myself, the process, and the good advice provided to me by my colleagues who had experienced a career change within their career before me.
Incidentally, one of the independent trainers I spoke with asked me to take over some of her clients while she is on maternity leave. Had she not asked me, and thereby giving me a time frame to finally let go of my ties to the corporate gym, I don't know when I would've had the guts to quit. But by the time I gave my notice I was at my wits end.
I could no longer tolerate my lack of energy due to the high volume of training and being "on" all the time. I could no longer handle providing FIVE complimentary sessions to new members when it was clearly a waste of time to not be paid for them (what was good for the gym, was not always good for the trainers). I could also no longer handle the "bro" mentality of many of the members, the constant slamming of weights and cables, the overly crowded environment, the loud techno music, the archaic software system, or the arbitrary sales and session numbers to stress about reaching each month.
My four years at the gym weren't all bad. I respected my manager, and I loved my coworkers and clients, for example. And the struggles I listed might not sound terrible to everyone, as extroverts thrive in that type of environment. I just knew I'd never be satisfied or shine the way I'm supposed to shine as a trainer in that overstimulating environment.
Now I'm in my fourth week as a fully independent trainer and I could not be happier with my decision. As I suspected before I made the change, I have more energy, less stress, more time for myself and for client programming, and I am less crabby. I still have a lot to learn in terms of running my own business, but I can honestly say that I love training again. My clients have my full attention because there are no distractions when I train at a private studio. We get more done in one hour because we are not hunting for space or sharing equipment, and I can diligently stick to their scheduled programming, therefore increasing the value of their sessions.
My next big challenge will be seeing if I can pull of the independent trainer thing in Ohio when I move. I love what I'm doing and how I'm doing it right now, and I'd love to maintain this sort of momentum when I move. I'll have to work even harder to make it work because I'll be starting from scratch, but I've never been afraid of hard work. In fact, there's nothing more motivating than realizing that the bigger picture is myself and my business rather than a corporation for which I'm making money.
Year 4 started strong, saw several ups and downs along the way, and ultimately ended better than I ever could have imagined. I truly believe the ultimate goal of the entrepreneur is to not only do the work you love, but finding a way to do it exactly the way you want to do it. To me - as I suspected and happily discovered - autonomy is everything.
I finished last year's blog post recapping my third year of training by referring to my desire to run my own business one day and saying, "An introverted girl can turn her dreams into reality is she wants something badly enough." Because I wanted something badly enough, I worked my ass off to make it happen. And to think that being my own boss was once a dream that I turned into a reality is probably one of the most satisfying accomplishments of my life.
The biggest change is that I quit my job at the corporate gym to train independently. I complained last year about the price of being successful at the gym, and the unnecessary toll it was taking on my social life, as well as the toll it was taking on me physically and mentally. About 5 months after that post I decided I finally needed to make a change. I was tired of working so hard for so little money, and I was tired of sacrificing the quality of training in favor of the volume of training I needed to maintain to stay afloat at work.
Back in November of 2015, I decided to meet with several trainers I had worked with in the past who had since left the corporate gym to train independently. While discussing their transitions and how things have played out for them since they left, a resounding theme made itself clear - they were all happier, making more money, and they were less stressed. At that point, I knew what I had to do and I knew it would not be easy, but I also had a hunch that making a change would be worth the time and effort.
In the months following, I decided to add more education to my arsenal in order to increase my value as a trainer - and also to reconnect with why I chose this field in the first place. I had been so focused on session goals and sales numbers for so long that I felt I was losing sight of my original desire to be a personal trainer. So, I attended a 2 day workshop in January and studied like mad to acquire a new certification, which I received in April. I gained confidence from gaining more education, and that's when I thought that I just might be able to pull off becoming an independent trainer.
Don't get me wrong - I've had plenty of self doubt and concerns along the way. There were many times when I thought I'd have no choice but to be stuck being miserable at the corporate gym forever. Instead I chose to trust myself, the process, and the good advice provided to me by my colleagues who had experienced a career change within their career before me.
Incidentally, one of the independent trainers I spoke with asked me to take over some of her clients while she is on maternity leave. Had she not asked me, and thereby giving me a time frame to finally let go of my ties to the corporate gym, I don't know when I would've had the guts to quit. But by the time I gave my notice I was at my wits end.
I could no longer tolerate my lack of energy due to the high volume of training and being "on" all the time. I could no longer handle providing FIVE complimentary sessions to new members when it was clearly a waste of time to not be paid for them (what was good for the gym, was not always good for the trainers). I could also no longer handle the "bro" mentality of many of the members, the constant slamming of weights and cables, the overly crowded environment, the loud techno music, the archaic software system, or the arbitrary sales and session numbers to stress about reaching each month.
My four years at the gym weren't all bad. I respected my manager, and I loved my coworkers and clients, for example. And the struggles I listed might not sound terrible to everyone, as extroverts thrive in that type of environment. I just knew I'd never be satisfied or shine the way I'm supposed to shine as a trainer in that overstimulating environment.
Now I'm in my fourth week as a fully independent trainer and I could not be happier with my decision. As I suspected before I made the change, I have more energy, less stress, more time for myself and for client programming, and I am less crabby. I still have a lot to learn in terms of running my own business, but I can honestly say that I love training again. My clients have my full attention because there are no distractions when I train at a private studio. We get more done in one hour because we are not hunting for space or sharing equipment, and I can diligently stick to their scheduled programming, therefore increasing the value of their sessions.
My next big challenge will be seeing if I can pull of the independent trainer thing in Ohio when I move. I love what I'm doing and how I'm doing it right now, and I'd love to maintain this sort of momentum when I move. I'll have to work even harder to make it work because I'll be starting from scratch, but I've never been afraid of hard work. In fact, there's nothing more motivating than realizing that the bigger picture is myself and my business rather than a corporation for which I'm making money.
Year 4 started strong, saw several ups and downs along the way, and ultimately ended better than I ever could have imagined. I truly believe the ultimate goal of the entrepreneur is to not only do the work you love, but finding a way to do it exactly the way you want to do it. To me - as I suspected and happily discovered - autonomy is everything.
I finished last year's blog post recapping my third year of training by referring to my desire to run my own business one day and saying, "An introverted girl can turn her dreams into reality is she wants something badly enough." Because I wanted something badly enough, I worked my ass off to make it happen. And to think that being my own boss was once a dream that I turned into a reality is probably one of the most satisfying accomplishments of my life.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Steph and The City
Is it possible for one's heart to be in two places at one time? For the first time in my life, I feel as though my heart is in both Chicago and Northeast Ohio. I know it's probably because I know I'm leaving, and because it's summertime, but I'm becoming really sad about leaving Chicago. I am a city girl, through and through. Of course, then there are days when I just want peace and quiet and the ability to see my family or go hiking whenever I want.
I grew up in Northeast Ohio, but I fully grew into myself in Chicago. I like how I turned out. Chicago has never coddled or enabled me. I can now fully appreciate that Chicago provided enough tough love to help mold me into the strong-willed, assertive, non-shit taking, open-minded, kind, independent, and compassionate woman that I am today. I can say with certainty that I wouldn't be who I am today had I stayed in Ohio. It has been one big adventure in the big city, which was what I had always wanted. I just didn't realize that adventure would usually be difficult but always intended to help me.
I find myself walking around lately wondering how I'm going to leave this little neighborhood that I love. I wonder what it's going to be like to look out my window and not see tall buildings all around me. I wonder how I'm going to say good-bye to Fabian and I wonder how I'm going to live without him. I'm so happy with my newfound career autonomy, and I wonder if I'm going to be able to maintain the same sort of autonomy in Ohio.
At this point in time, I am the happiest I have ever been in 14 years, which makes the thought of leaving so much more difficult. Or is knowing that I am leaving what is making me so happy? I can't be sure. I do know that, currently, it feels like my heart is in two places at once.
I grew up in Northeast Ohio, but I fully grew into myself in Chicago. I like how I turned out. Chicago has never coddled or enabled me. I can now fully appreciate that Chicago provided enough tough love to help mold me into the strong-willed, assertive, non-shit taking, open-minded, kind, independent, and compassionate woman that I am today. I can say with certainty that I wouldn't be who I am today had I stayed in Ohio. It has been one big adventure in the big city, which was what I had always wanted. I just didn't realize that adventure would usually be difficult but always intended to help me.
I find myself walking around lately wondering how I'm going to leave this little neighborhood that I love. I wonder what it's going to be like to look out my window and not see tall buildings all around me. I wonder how I'm going to say good-bye to Fabian and I wonder how I'm going to live without him. I'm so happy with my newfound career autonomy, and I wonder if I'm going to be able to maintain the same sort of autonomy in Ohio.
At this point in time, I am the happiest I have ever been in 14 years, which makes the thought of leaving so much more difficult. Or is knowing that I am leaving what is making me so happy? I can't be sure. I do know that, currently, it feels like my heart is in two places at once.
Monday, June 27, 2016
Chicago Bucket List
As I mentioned in my previous post, I am moving back to Ohio sometime in the fall. As I also mentioned in my previous post, I came, I saw, I conquered the big city, and now it's time to go home. BUT, there are some things about Chicago I love so much that I want to experience them one last time before I leave. And despite my declaration, I haven't literally done everything there is to do in Chicago, so there may be just few more experiences I want to have before I bid adieu to The Windy City.
In the hours after telling Fabian that I was planning to move, I was going on and on about how I have "done" the city. I've been to the top of the tallest skyscrapers in the city. I've been to nearly every museum. I've been to countless neighborhoods and have ridden every train line. I've explored, explored, explored the city to my heart's content. Fabian noted that most people live in Chicago all their lives and probably haven't done a third of what I've done here. "And that's success right there," he noted. Yes. Yes it is! And I'm proud I haven't taken one second for granted.
All of the recent reflection has led me to create a Chicago bucket list. I cobbled this list together during several commutes to and from work over the past few weeks. I may still add to it, and I may subtract, but I really hope that when I finally head back to the hills and valleys of Northeast Ohio, I can take comfort in the fact that I really did exhaust my time in the big city.
1.) Itto Sushi - This was the first place I ever ate sushi ever in my life, so it holds a special place in my heart. By chance, I saw a post on Facebook announcing it's closure after 34 years of business, and luckily I was able to make it just in time because they are closing this week! So, this was the first thing on my list and the first thing I can cross off.
2.) The Green Mill - This is a jazz club that has been around since the days of Al Capone - probably longer - and the original decor has remained largely intact. It is said that some of the booths face the doors and not the main stage so that the gangsters could be aware of any cops that tried to break up their fun, and promptly run for the secret passageways in the basement to escape. Although I've been to The Green Mill many times, nothing feels more Chicago to me than this place, and therefore I must go one more time.
3.) Pasta Bowl - This is a tiny restaurant located in the Lincoln Park neighborhood. It has always been my favorite spot for pasta, and no matter which neighborhood I've lived in and no matter how far away, I always go out of my way to get their yummy food. Therefore, I must go back once more - eh, maybe twice more...
4.) Open House Chicago - This event sponsored by the Chicago Architecture Foundation takes place every year in October. It is by far my favorite event because at no cost you can explore parts of many different buildings in the city that aren't generally open to the public. This event is so special to me that I'd probably move back in October instead of November if it took place earlier in the fall.
5.) Visit former apartments - I'd like to visit all of my old apartments and take a pic for a collage. It sounds strange, but I learned and grew in each place I lived, and therefore I'd like to have a record of my dwellings to enjoy for years to come.
6.) Visit former places of employment - Because I've mainly worked in skyscrapers, I see the places I used to work almost daily, but for the same reasons as #5, I'd like to have some sort of record just for fun.
7.) Navy Pier Ferris Wheel - Ok, this one isn't incredibly important to me, but just this year they installed a Ferris wheel twice the size of the old one, and I feel somewhat compelled to experience the behemoth. If this item doesn't get crossed off, though, I won't be too broken up about it.
8.) Driehaus Museum - I love old mansions, and I love museums, and somehow I only just found out about this place this year. Therefore, I must go!
9.) Antique Taco - I've never been to this restaurant for tacos, but Fabian insists it's amazing. I trust his judgement when it comes to tacos, therefore, I must go!
10.) The Max - A replica of the diner from the 90's TV show Saved By The Bell?! You bet I'll be there.
11.) Piece Pizza - Ok, I could get sent back to Ohio sooner than I planned if word of this gets out about this, but I do not care much for Chicago style deep dish pizza! Piece is more New York style and I'm obsessed. Shhhh, don't tell!
12.) Pequods Pizza - Just because I don't care for deep dish, doesn't mean I don't like pan pizza. And this place has the best!
13.) Divvy along the Lakefront - For 14 years I've lived along the Chicago lakefront. I've probably run a million miles along the lake, but would you believe I've never biked it? Seems ridiculous since it's something I've always wanted to do. So, I must cross this one off the list before I leave.
14.) Chicago Architectural River Tour - I think this is the most surprising thing I have yet to accomplish in Chicago. Everyone I know has done the tour at least once. But even with my fierce love for architecture, I have yet to experience this tour, and I just cannot fathom leaving until I do so.
15.) Asado Coffee - Ok, there is this secret small alleyway off of Jackson Blvd and I've been fascinated by it for years. A coffee shop recently opened in the teeny tiny building at the end of the alley, but every time I've tried to go so far it's been closed.
16.) Lincoln Park Bar Crawl with Sara - I've been friends with Sara for over ten years, and we used to live a block away from each other in Lincoln Park for years. So of course we accumulated our favorite bars in that time, and so we are going to formulate our own bar crawl this summer and visit all of our old favorite haunts.
I think that's it for now. I've had a lot of ups and downs during my 14 years in the big city, but I love the idea of doing all of my favorite things one last time along with a few new things so I can bid farewell to this city on a high note.
In the hours after telling Fabian that I was planning to move, I was going on and on about how I have "done" the city. I've been to the top of the tallest skyscrapers in the city. I've been to nearly every museum. I've been to countless neighborhoods and have ridden every train line. I've explored, explored, explored the city to my heart's content. Fabian noted that most people live in Chicago all their lives and probably haven't done a third of what I've done here. "And that's success right there," he noted. Yes. Yes it is! And I'm proud I haven't taken one second for granted.
All of the recent reflection has led me to create a Chicago bucket list. I cobbled this list together during several commutes to and from work over the past few weeks. I may still add to it, and I may subtract, but I really hope that when I finally head back to the hills and valleys of Northeast Ohio, I can take comfort in the fact that I really did exhaust my time in the big city.
1.) Itto Sushi - This was the first place I ever ate sushi ever in my life, so it holds a special place in my heart. By chance, I saw a post on Facebook announcing it's closure after 34 years of business, and luckily I was able to make it just in time because they are closing this week! So, this was the first thing on my list and the first thing I can cross off.
2.) The Green Mill - This is a jazz club that has been around since the days of Al Capone - probably longer - and the original decor has remained largely intact. It is said that some of the booths face the doors and not the main stage so that the gangsters could be aware of any cops that tried to break up their fun, and promptly run for the secret passageways in the basement to escape. Although I've been to The Green Mill many times, nothing feels more Chicago to me than this place, and therefore I must go one more time.
3.) Pasta Bowl - This is a tiny restaurant located in the Lincoln Park neighborhood. It has always been my favorite spot for pasta, and no matter which neighborhood I've lived in and no matter how far away, I always go out of my way to get their yummy food. Therefore, I must go back once more - eh, maybe twice more...
4.) Open House Chicago - This event sponsored by the Chicago Architecture Foundation takes place every year in October. It is by far my favorite event because at no cost you can explore parts of many different buildings in the city that aren't generally open to the public. This event is so special to me that I'd probably move back in October instead of November if it took place earlier in the fall.
5.) Visit former apartments - I'd like to visit all of my old apartments and take a pic for a collage. It sounds strange, but I learned and grew in each place I lived, and therefore I'd like to have a record of my dwellings to enjoy for years to come.
6.) Visit former places of employment - Because I've mainly worked in skyscrapers, I see the places I used to work almost daily, but for the same reasons as #5, I'd like to have some sort of record just for fun.
7.) Navy Pier Ferris Wheel - Ok, this one isn't incredibly important to me, but just this year they installed a Ferris wheel twice the size of the old one, and I feel somewhat compelled to experience the behemoth. If this item doesn't get crossed off, though, I won't be too broken up about it.
8.) Driehaus Museum - I love old mansions, and I love museums, and somehow I only just found out about this place this year. Therefore, I must go!
9.) Antique Taco - I've never been to this restaurant for tacos, but Fabian insists it's amazing. I trust his judgement when it comes to tacos, therefore, I must go!
10.) The Max - A replica of the diner from the 90's TV show Saved By The Bell?! You bet I'll be there.
11.) Piece Pizza - Ok, I could get sent back to Ohio sooner than I planned if word of this gets out about this, but I do not care much for Chicago style deep dish pizza! Piece is more New York style and I'm obsessed. Shhhh, don't tell!
12.) Pequods Pizza - Just because I don't care for deep dish, doesn't mean I don't like pan pizza. And this place has the best!
13.) Divvy along the Lakefront - For 14 years I've lived along the Chicago lakefront. I've probably run a million miles along the lake, but would you believe I've never biked it? Seems ridiculous since it's something I've always wanted to do. So, I must cross this one off the list before I leave.
14.) Chicago Architectural River Tour - I think this is the most surprising thing I have yet to accomplish in Chicago. Everyone I know has done the tour at least once. But even with my fierce love for architecture, I have yet to experience this tour, and I just cannot fathom leaving until I do so.
15.) Asado Coffee - Ok, there is this secret small alleyway off of Jackson Blvd and I've been fascinated by it for years. A coffee shop recently opened in the teeny tiny building at the end of the alley, but every time I've tried to go so far it's been closed.
16.) Lincoln Park Bar Crawl with Sara - I've been friends with Sara for over ten years, and we used to live a block away from each other in Lincoln Park for years. So of course we accumulated our favorite bars in that time, and so we are going to formulate our own bar crawl this summer and visit all of our old favorite haunts.
I think that's it for now. I've had a lot of ups and downs during my 14 years in the big city, but I love the idea of doing all of my favorite things one last time along with a few new things so I can bid farewell to this city on a high note.
The Pursuit of Happiness
Happiness is.... being at peace with a decision that took a really, really long time to make. I have discovered that there is no such thing as "perfect timing," but there is a time when making a change feels right.
I'd been filled with anxiety for months knowing that I needed to make a change, but I hadn't felt until recently that I could pull it off, even though I'd been carefully planning a transition.
Before I made the decision to leave my job in favor of training independently, I was so nervous that it might not work out and feeling a bit guilty with the idea of leaving my loyal clients, supportive manager, and fun co-workers.
Had my trainer friend Cristina not asked me to take over her clients when she has her baby, who knows if I would've ever had the guts to leave my stable job in favor of something that is risky, yet far more suited for my personality.
Leaving my job isn't the only huge life decision I've made recently though. I will also be moving back to Ohio in the fall to be closer to my family. I know I've expressed the desire to move back to Ohio a few times in this blog, and I've finally decided that because life is short, I need to spend as much time with my family as possible. I've already missed out on so much with them.
I told Fabian I was leaving Chicago and I resigned from my job 2 days later. To say the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement, but I really am so happy and at peace with my decisions.
Before I gave my boss my resignation, I had to constantly remind myself that the reason I started this whole process of making a change is because I was working in the wrong environment, and it wasn't healthy for me. I wasn't being a brat, or negative, or lazy, or selfish for wanting things to be different.
I didn't quit when things got hard, and they got really hard soon after I started my career as a personal trainer four years ago. I never gave up at the corporate gym and instead pressed on to do the job that I love for little money in an overstimulating environment that made me miserable.
I know it must sound dramatic to non-introverts, but working in an overstimulating environment has cost me plenty over the years including energy, friendships, a social life, the desire to try new things, and the desire to find love. And yet, I still felt guilty for wanting to get out of my situation. I felt guilty for not having the energy to be more successful at work despite the energy-draining environment.
I should never feel guilty about wanting to be happy though. I shouldn't ever feel guilty for wanting to do my work the way I want to do it in the environment that is better suited for me. In fact, the more I read about being an entrepreneur, the more I uncover just how much I was meant to do work all along. It turns out that I'm not lazy and I don't hate hard work. I just need more autonomy to be happy.
Before I resigned, and now that I'm on my own, I'm choosing to trust that everything will work out for me. Making big life changes is scary, and things have never really gone smoothly for me in the past when I've made big changes. But this time I carefully planned my transition. I have the experience, confidence, work ethic, and motivation to be successful and don't have to rely on luck. This change is also different because now I know exactly what I want after having experienced major extremes in my adult life. Bottom line - I want work/life balance and the chance to be truly happy doing what I love exactly how I want to do it. I fucking deserve it.
Regarding my big moving plans, I think I was more nervous about telling Fabian about going back to Ohio than I was about quitting my my job. I know Fabian loves me and the bunnies so much, and we love him so much, so it truly breaks my heart to leave him. But I know in my heart that I can't feel guilty for wanting to be close to my family.
I came, I saw, I conquered the big city, and now it's time to go home. A few months ago I was at the checkout counter at Dick's Sporting Goods and when the cashier asked for my zip code, I instinctively rattled off "44223, " even though I haven't lived in Ohio for 14 years. That moment really made me think. Clearly my desire to be home is subconscious as well as conscious.
But I waited to announce my decision until my head was in agreement with my heart, and my subconscious mind was in alignment with my conscious mind regarding the reality of making the move. And even though there is no such thing as perfect timing - because I can think of a million excuses to stay - the thought of moving home feels absolutely right.
I'd been filled with anxiety for months knowing that I needed to make a change, but I hadn't felt until recently that I could pull it off, even though I'd been carefully planning a transition.
Before I made the decision to leave my job in favor of training independently, I was so nervous that it might not work out and feeling a bit guilty with the idea of leaving my loyal clients, supportive manager, and fun co-workers.
Had my trainer friend Cristina not asked me to take over her clients when she has her baby, who knows if I would've ever had the guts to leave my stable job in favor of something that is risky, yet far more suited for my personality.
Leaving my job isn't the only huge life decision I've made recently though. I will also be moving back to Ohio in the fall to be closer to my family. I know I've expressed the desire to move back to Ohio a few times in this blog, and I've finally decided that because life is short, I need to spend as much time with my family as possible. I've already missed out on so much with them.
I told Fabian I was leaving Chicago and I resigned from my job 2 days later. To say the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement, but I really am so happy and at peace with my decisions.
Before I gave my boss my resignation, I had to constantly remind myself that the reason I started this whole process of making a change is because I was working in the wrong environment, and it wasn't healthy for me. I wasn't being a brat, or negative, or lazy, or selfish for wanting things to be different.
I didn't quit when things got hard, and they got really hard soon after I started my career as a personal trainer four years ago. I never gave up at the corporate gym and instead pressed on to do the job that I love for little money in an overstimulating environment that made me miserable.
I know it must sound dramatic to non-introverts, but working in an overstimulating environment has cost me plenty over the years including energy, friendships, a social life, the desire to try new things, and the desire to find love. And yet, I still felt guilty for wanting to get out of my situation. I felt guilty for not having the energy to be more successful at work despite the energy-draining environment.
I should never feel guilty about wanting to be happy though. I shouldn't ever feel guilty for wanting to do my work the way I want to do it in the environment that is better suited for me. In fact, the more I read about being an entrepreneur, the more I uncover just how much I was meant to do work all along. It turns out that I'm not lazy and I don't hate hard work. I just need more autonomy to be happy.
Before I resigned, and now that I'm on my own, I'm choosing to trust that everything will work out for me. Making big life changes is scary, and things have never really gone smoothly for me in the past when I've made big changes. But this time I carefully planned my transition. I have the experience, confidence, work ethic, and motivation to be successful and don't have to rely on luck. This change is also different because now I know exactly what I want after having experienced major extremes in my adult life. Bottom line - I want work/life balance and the chance to be truly happy doing what I love exactly how I want to do it. I fucking deserve it.
Regarding my big moving plans, I think I was more nervous about telling Fabian about going back to Ohio than I was about quitting my my job. I know Fabian loves me and the bunnies so much, and we love him so much, so it truly breaks my heart to leave him. But I know in my heart that I can't feel guilty for wanting to be close to my family.
I came, I saw, I conquered the big city, and now it's time to go home. A few months ago I was at the checkout counter at Dick's Sporting Goods and when the cashier asked for my zip code, I instinctively rattled off "44223, " even though I haven't lived in Ohio for 14 years. That moment really made me think. Clearly my desire to be home is subconscious as well as conscious.
But I waited to announce my decision until my head was in agreement with my heart, and my subconscious mind was in alignment with my conscious mind regarding the reality of making the move. And even though there is no such thing as perfect timing - because I can think of a million excuses to stay - the thought of moving home feels absolutely right.
Saturday, May 21, 2016
Living in the Past 14 Years
I have been far too distracted in my adult life by the things I don't want, rather than focusing on what I do want. If I'm not stressed about my financial situation at any given time, and worrying if I'll ever know what it's like to experience financial freedom, then I'm too concentrated on the fact that I work in a place that is not conducive to me being successful in my career.
I should, in fact, be fantasizing about what it's like to experience financial freedom and figuring out how to achieve it, as well as getting my ass out of my current work environment and figuring out how to do my job in a way that allows me to live up to my full potential.
I have the confidence, experience, and education to do what I want, exactly the way I want it, and yet I feel so out of control of the direction of my life. But if I don't suck it up and take control, who the fuck will?
I'm fucking 37 years old. It is time to do things differently. It is time to do things that will benefit me in the long run, instead of worrying about how behind I am and wondering how I'm going to get through today.
I should know by now that trial and error is okay, as long as I keep moving forward. I really don't have anything to lose, except everything. But I can bounce back from losing everything. I've gotten this far, haven't I?
I crave autonomy in all aspects of my life, especially my career. I can have that autonomy if I just push myself a little harder. Actually, at the present moment life is lighting a fire under my ass to get me moving. The universe has a funny way of doing this to me - to all of us. And I don't resent the universe for making me move. Sometimes the universe has more confidence in me than I do.
Ever since I became a college student and my inner world was exposed to dreams I had never dared to dream, and thoughts I never thought to think, I've seen myself doing something above average with my life. Even when I couldn't pin point what that above average thing was, I knew I was meant to do something different from most folks.
14 years ago, for example, I knew I had to move to the big city. I've also always known that I never wanted to be bogged down with marriage and kids because I knew in my heart I was meant to take a different path. I knew I didn't want to be like everyone else because I've always known that I'm not like everyone else.
When I moved to Chicago 14 years ago this very month, I thought that I was supposed to be a successful business woman, even though anything related to business bored me to tears. I was a receptionist, then an administrative assistant, then an event planner, then a commissions associate. None of those titles thrilled me or felt at all natural for me, but I conjured a fair amount of enthusiasm and gave each role my very best.
I finally switched careers four years ago to do something that lit my insides on fire and made me excited to go to work. And while I still absolutely love what I do, I learned early on that the environment is all wrong for me. A busy, loud, crowded commercial gym is the exact opposite of what is considered an ideal environment for an introvert. But, as with everything I have ever done, I have always given my best, fully knowing that my best in the wrong environment will never be good enough.
I need to stop beating myself up about not fitting in, because I'm holding myself back by doing so. I need to look forward and press on, thankful that I have the ability to do my job differently. I do have the possibility to fulfill my potential and become financially free. It's time. I can't waste any more time bemoaning my current situation when a fulfilling and financially free future awaits.
I should, in fact, be fantasizing about what it's like to experience financial freedom and figuring out how to achieve it, as well as getting my ass out of my current work environment and figuring out how to do my job in a way that allows me to live up to my full potential.
I have the confidence, experience, and education to do what I want, exactly the way I want it, and yet I feel so out of control of the direction of my life. But if I don't suck it up and take control, who the fuck will?
I'm fucking 37 years old. It is time to do things differently. It is time to do things that will benefit me in the long run, instead of worrying about how behind I am and wondering how I'm going to get through today.
I should know by now that trial and error is okay, as long as I keep moving forward. I really don't have anything to lose, except everything. But I can bounce back from losing everything. I've gotten this far, haven't I?
I crave autonomy in all aspects of my life, especially my career. I can have that autonomy if I just push myself a little harder. Actually, at the present moment life is lighting a fire under my ass to get me moving. The universe has a funny way of doing this to me - to all of us. And I don't resent the universe for making me move. Sometimes the universe has more confidence in me than I do.
Ever since I became a college student and my inner world was exposed to dreams I had never dared to dream, and thoughts I never thought to think, I've seen myself doing something above average with my life. Even when I couldn't pin point what that above average thing was, I knew I was meant to do something different from most folks.
14 years ago, for example, I knew I had to move to the big city. I've also always known that I never wanted to be bogged down with marriage and kids because I knew in my heart I was meant to take a different path. I knew I didn't want to be like everyone else because I've always known that I'm not like everyone else.
When I moved to Chicago 14 years ago this very month, I thought that I was supposed to be a successful business woman, even though anything related to business bored me to tears. I was a receptionist, then an administrative assistant, then an event planner, then a commissions associate. None of those titles thrilled me or felt at all natural for me, but I conjured a fair amount of enthusiasm and gave each role my very best.
I finally switched careers four years ago to do something that lit my insides on fire and made me excited to go to work. And while I still absolutely love what I do, I learned early on that the environment is all wrong for me. A busy, loud, crowded commercial gym is the exact opposite of what is considered an ideal environment for an introvert. But, as with everything I have ever done, I have always given my best, fully knowing that my best in the wrong environment will never be good enough.
I need to stop beating myself up about not fitting in, because I'm holding myself back by doing so. I need to look forward and press on, thankful that I have the ability to do my job differently. I do have the possibility to fulfill my potential and become financially free. It's time. I can't waste any more time bemoaning my current situation when a fulfilling and financially free future awaits.
My Dream to be Drawn to Distraction No More
I keep having this dream where I am on a tropical island but am unable to make it to the beach. All I want is to watch the sunset from the beach and photograph it, but something is always preventing me from doing so. I cannot find my phone, or my phone is not charged, or I'm tending to the people I'm with, or I have to be somewhere at a certain time, etc. There is always a distraction keeping me from standing in the white sand and admiring the aqua water. The island is always different, the people I'm with are always different, but the theme of the dream is essentially the same.
Clearly this dream translates to the fact that I'm being held back from doing the things I really want to in my life. This dream always makes me sad, because it's true.
It's mostly my fault, I'm discovering, because I dwell too much on the past or my current situation, instead of visualizing how things could be different. Things can be better. I just have to change my mindset. Easier said that done for this ruminating gal, but not impossible.
I want to travel. I want to have total career autonomy. I want to experience financial freedom. I'm a hard worker, and I always have been. I'm smart, too. The dreams I have for myself should not be difficult to achieve. Or, because they have been up to this point, they will no longer be going forward.
I will be stuck no more. I will not let distraction get in the way of living my best life. That's my promise to myself.
Clearly this dream translates to the fact that I'm being held back from doing the things I really want to in my life. This dream always makes me sad, because it's true.
It's mostly my fault, I'm discovering, because I dwell too much on the past or my current situation, instead of visualizing how things could be different. Things can be better. I just have to change my mindset. Easier said that done for this ruminating gal, but not impossible.
I want to travel. I want to have total career autonomy. I want to experience financial freedom. I'm a hard worker, and I always have been. I'm smart, too. The dreams I have for myself should not be difficult to achieve. Or, because they have been up to this point, they will no longer be going forward.
I will be stuck no more. I will not let distraction get in the way of living my best life. That's my promise to myself.
Friday, April 22, 2016
Sorry Not Sorry
Until I uncovered all of the intricacies of introversion, I spent most of my life desperately trying to be someone I'm not by trying to mold myself into someone I was never meant to be: an extrovert. I've spent a lot of time feeling guilty and ashamed for the temperament I was born with prior to discovering that I was in fact, born with it.
As a kid, for example, I felt guilty for never wanting to have sleepovers at my house, because another person in my bedroom -my childhood sanctuary- seemed like a major invasion of my private world, where I often spent time drawing, writing, practicing make-up and hairstyles, or playing with my Barbie dolls.
In middle school I was often reprimanded by most teachers in most classes for making "careless mistakes." Little did they know - little did I know! - that one of the qualities of being an introvert is that our brains are slower at processing new concepts. I often needed more time during a test to thoroughly process test questions, or I needed more time to learn a math concept, for example. Instead, I rushed through tests so I'd never be the last to finish, and therefore be thought of as "stupid." But having a difficult time understanding new concepts made me feel stupid anyway, and I never asked questions because I didn't want to be guilty for holding the class back if I was the only student who couldn't understand something.
In high school, I felt guilty for wanting to stay in by myself on most weekend nights to order pizza and watch John Hughes movies on VHS when all my friends and classmates were at parties or on dates. I also felt inadequate because I could only handle one or two extracurricular activities at a time since I was already so exhausted from being around people during the school day. Time spent doing anything more would've further eclipsed my treasured alone time.
As an adult, I've felt guilty in romantic relationships for craving copious amounts of alone time. I've felt guilty for turning down invites from friends a few too many times simply because I had already reached my threshold for people during the work week.
Most recently, I have felt guilty in my career for getting "peopled out" so easily. The point of my job is to help people -ideally as many as possible!- and yet I usually can't find it within myself to go the extra mile on most days.
So is the coworker who has boundless energy to disperse to not only his clients, but also the other members of the gym better than I am at my job? I have the education, I have the confidence, I have the experience, yet at the end of most days I feel like I failed because even though I came across hundreds of people that day, I didn't talk to anyone except my clients and coworkers.
We are always being encouraged at work to "smile and chat with members" when we are not training a client, but I find it necessary to conserve my energy for my clients. Extroverts are coveted by management at my gym. Social butterflies are favored for making themselves known to everyone. But for me, sometimes I just can't bring myself to force a smile or muster a hello. Not that I don't ever do this. I do it as much as I possibly can before my internal battery dies. I give the gym all of my energy so that nothing is left when I leave at night. I have no friends and no social life because I give all of myself at work. Otherwise, guilt would overwhelm me.
A client recently shared that I seemed a bit off during a prior session. I recalled that I usually train him during a quiet hour at the gym, and the session he was referring to just happened to be a time when the gym was exceptionally busy. I do not enjoy training my clients when the gym is loud and crowded, but I dig deep to do whatever it takes to make the most of it. My senses are overloaded and I find it hard to focus, and I have to raise my voice to be heard over the chaos, all of which drains me as quickly as an iPhone with too many apps running simultaneously.
Even though I understood why I must have seemed off, I felt guilty about it. Introverts are overstimulated easily, and I can't simply tune out the activity going on around me. But until my client mentioned something, I thought for sure I was fooling everyone.
That brings me to my next point. Why should I feel so damn guilty for being who I am and responding to the world the way I respond to it? Why do I feel so guilty admitting that, despite loving my job, the environment in which I do my job is unsatisfactory? Essentially, why do I feel so guilty for not being an extrovert?
If I'm not churning out over 100 personal training sessions a month, it's because the more sessions I do, the less valuable they will be. I'll never be exceptionally ambitious or be able to take on too much because doing so would be too taxing for my temperament and therefore would never make me happy, so what's the fucking point of doing what I love in that case?
But how could I ever explain this to my manager without sounding slightly ridiculous in a world that deeply favors extroverts? Personally, I will only ever be successful if I focus on quality over quantity. Unfortunately, that's not gonna fly at my place of employment.
So, I have this crazy idea that if I become an independent trainer, then things will be different. If I work in a studio exclusive to personal trainers and their clients, then I will be in the calmer environment I crave so much. The quality of service that I'd be able to provide to my clients simply by changing my environment will be so much richer. And I won't ever again be told to smile and chat with members when the thought of a forced smile and small talk instinctively make me snarl.
When I worked in an office for ten years I was isolated for most of the day, and the past four years I have thrown myself into a completely contrasting environment. I'll admit that I had trouble communicating with people before I became a trainer, so even though I'm now totally overwhelmed by people on most days, I'm tremendously thankful I've had plenty of practice and experience interacting with a variety of personalities.
Everything in my being is craving some serious balance, which I have not yet been able to achieve my entire adult life. I already enjoy my work, but I need to do it differently for the sake of my sanity. I'd like to maybe not feel too drained all the time and have the occasional social interaction outside of work. That's not a lot to ask, and I won't apologize for going after what I want.
We are always being encouraged at work to "smile and chat with members" when we are not training a client, but I find it necessary to conserve my energy for my clients. Extroverts are coveted by management at my gym. Social butterflies are favored for making themselves known to everyone. But for me, sometimes I just can't bring myself to force a smile or muster a hello. Not that I don't ever do this. I do it as much as I possibly can before my internal battery dies. I give the gym all of my energy so that nothing is left when I leave at night. I have no friends and no social life because I give all of myself at work. Otherwise, guilt would overwhelm me.
A client recently shared that I seemed a bit off during a prior session. I recalled that I usually train him during a quiet hour at the gym, and the session he was referring to just happened to be a time when the gym was exceptionally busy. I do not enjoy training my clients when the gym is loud and crowded, but I dig deep to do whatever it takes to make the most of it. My senses are overloaded and I find it hard to focus, and I have to raise my voice to be heard over the chaos, all of which drains me as quickly as an iPhone with too many apps running simultaneously.
Even though I understood why I must have seemed off, I felt guilty about it. Introverts are overstimulated easily, and I can't simply tune out the activity going on around me. But until my client mentioned something, I thought for sure I was fooling everyone.
That brings me to my next point. Why should I feel so damn guilty for being who I am and responding to the world the way I respond to it? Why do I feel so guilty admitting that, despite loving my job, the environment in which I do my job is unsatisfactory? Essentially, why do I feel so guilty for not being an extrovert?
If I'm not churning out over 100 personal training sessions a month, it's because the more sessions I do, the less valuable they will be. I'll never be exceptionally ambitious or be able to take on too much because doing so would be too taxing for my temperament and therefore would never make me happy, so what's the fucking point of doing what I love in that case?
But how could I ever explain this to my manager without sounding slightly ridiculous in a world that deeply favors extroverts? Personally, I will only ever be successful if I focus on quality over quantity. Unfortunately, that's not gonna fly at my place of employment.
So, I have this crazy idea that if I become an independent trainer, then things will be different. If I work in a studio exclusive to personal trainers and their clients, then I will be in the calmer environment I crave so much. The quality of service that I'd be able to provide to my clients simply by changing my environment will be so much richer. And I won't ever again be told to smile and chat with members when the thought of a forced smile and small talk instinctively make me snarl.
When I worked in an office for ten years I was isolated for most of the day, and the past four years I have thrown myself into a completely contrasting environment. I'll admit that I had trouble communicating with people before I became a trainer, so even though I'm now totally overwhelmed by people on most days, I'm tremendously thankful I've had plenty of practice and experience interacting with a variety of personalities.
Everything in my being is craving some serious balance, which I have not yet been able to achieve my entire adult life. I already enjoy my work, but I need to do it differently for the sake of my sanity. I'd like to maybe not feel too drained all the time and have the occasional social interaction outside of work. That's not a lot to ask, and I won't apologize for going after what I want.
My Goobers
 |
| Doodles |
 |
| Patch |
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
If at First You Don't Succeed
During a training session recently, a client was telling me about his 11 year old son who is in the process of trying out for a hockey team. Apparently, the son tried out for the team last year and didn't make it, so he's been working out and practicing extra hard to ensure a better chance of making the cut this year. My client noted that not making the team last year was a great character building experience for him, as well as a lesson in the value of hard work.
I instantly thought of a similar experience from my own childhood. I was in 7th grade when I decided to try out for cheerleading. My best friends were cheerleaders and I had always been involved in dance classes and gymnastics, so cheerleading was especially appealing to me.
I went to the practices, learned the cheers, and moderately recited them in my own time. I wasn't really sure what to expect, and it turned out I had no idea. I didn't know, for instance, that wearing your hair off your face for tryouts was mandatory. Incidentally, I had arrived with my hair down. My friends freaked out on my behalf, which prompted my Mom to scramble for ideas. Not a hair elastic in sight, my Mom ended up improvising with a small leather strap from my brother's baseball glove found in the trunk of the car.
Anyway, I tried out for the squad and did not make it. The limited time I had spent practicing on my own and my unpreparedness had cost me a spot on the squad. An overly emotional tween at that time, an expected torrential downpour of tears were shed.
But that experience in defeat did not reduce my desire to become a cheerleader. I did not blame the judges for being unfair. I didn't accuse any of the other girls of cheating. I knew in my heart of hearts that I did not practice enough. I knew that I was not as prepared as I should have been that day.
The next year in 8th grade I tried out for the high school squad. I had practiced relentlessly, and I showed up to tryouts with my hair fixed in the most important pony tail of my life.
Armed with confidence and enough enthusiasm to supply an entire cheer squad, I was going in prepared. As a result, I made the team. My hard work and relentless drive had paid off.
The thing about trying new things as a kid is that there are no risks involved. If I hadn't made the team, then life would go on and I was comfortably aware of that fact. I'd be devastated if I wasn't selected a second time, of course, but never once did I stew on the possibility of how my life would be affected if I had failed.
We are so much less hesitant as kids to go after what we want because there's so much opportunity for us to try new things and absolutely no repercussions if one or several things do not work out.
As an adult, however, the fear of failure often paralyzes us and prevents us from trying new things too often. There are real consequences if things don't work out, usually because the stakes are higher regarding the choices we make as adults. Careers, relationships, cross-country moves, investments, etc. involve a lot of risk.
Knowing full well we could never be as prepared for big life changes as much as we can prepare for cheerleading tryouts, we do our best to learn the information available to us regarding our options, then say "fuck it" and just go for it. We eventually choose to risk everything knowing we may get nothing except a good dose of character building and lesson learning.
But despite risk, we learn throughout life that making a leap is exactly how we evolve and become better individuals.
As an introvert, I'm a big fan of looking before I leap. And I usually take a long time to look. Too long. But moving forward is important for improving the quality of life regardless of the outcome, and I only know this from experience. As scary as change is, it's time again to fix my hair into an important ponytail and take a leap.
I instantly thought of a similar experience from my own childhood. I was in 7th grade when I decided to try out for cheerleading. My best friends were cheerleaders and I had always been involved in dance classes and gymnastics, so cheerleading was especially appealing to me.
I went to the practices, learned the cheers, and moderately recited them in my own time. I wasn't really sure what to expect, and it turned out I had no idea. I didn't know, for instance, that wearing your hair off your face for tryouts was mandatory. Incidentally, I had arrived with my hair down. My friends freaked out on my behalf, which prompted my Mom to scramble for ideas. Not a hair elastic in sight, my Mom ended up improvising with a small leather strap from my brother's baseball glove found in the trunk of the car.
Anyway, I tried out for the squad and did not make it. The limited time I had spent practicing on my own and my unpreparedness had cost me a spot on the squad. An overly emotional tween at that time, an expected torrential downpour of tears were shed.
But that experience in defeat did not reduce my desire to become a cheerleader. I did not blame the judges for being unfair. I didn't accuse any of the other girls of cheating. I knew in my heart of hearts that I did not practice enough. I knew that I was not as prepared as I should have been that day.
The next year in 8th grade I tried out for the high school squad. I had practiced relentlessly, and I showed up to tryouts with my hair fixed in the most important pony tail of my life.
Armed with confidence and enough enthusiasm to supply an entire cheer squad, I was going in prepared. As a result, I made the team. My hard work and relentless drive had paid off.
The thing about trying new things as a kid is that there are no risks involved. If I hadn't made the team, then life would go on and I was comfortably aware of that fact. I'd be devastated if I wasn't selected a second time, of course, but never once did I stew on the possibility of how my life would be affected if I had failed.
We are so much less hesitant as kids to go after what we want because there's so much opportunity for us to try new things and absolutely no repercussions if one or several things do not work out.
As an adult, however, the fear of failure often paralyzes us and prevents us from trying new things too often. There are real consequences if things don't work out, usually because the stakes are higher regarding the choices we make as adults. Careers, relationships, cross-country moves, investments, etc. involve a lot of risk.
Knowing full well we could never be as prepared for big life changes as much as we can prepare for cheerleading tryouts, we do our best to learn the information available to us regarding our options, then say "fuck it" and just go for it. We eventually choose to risk everything knowing we may get nothing except a good dose of character building and lesson learning.
But despite risk, we learn throughout life that making a leap is exactly how we evolve and become better individuals.
As an introvert, I'm a big fan of looking before I leap. And I usually take a long time to look. Too long. But moving forward is important for improving the quality of life regardless of the outcome, and I only know this from experience. As scary as change is, it's time again to fix my hair into an important ponytail and take a leap.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
What a Difference a Trip Around the Sun Makes
A year ago around this time I was having a really rough go at life. I was burned out from work and missing my former social life. Things eventually got better, mostly because I stopped feeling guilty for feeling terrible and finally gave myself permission to feel whatever the fuck I was feeling at the time, no matter how unpleasant. Relief, clarity, and peace resulted.
Mentally, so much has changed for me in the last year. Changing my perspective regarding my circumstances changed everything. For instance, last year at this time I was bemoaning the loss of close friendships, and this year I am celebrating having uncovered the truest friends in my life. Real friends understand that life happens, and sustaining a friendship sometimes means only exchanging random texts here and there.
Because the concept of understanding is a major component of any relationship, I learned that those who fail to understand will eventually fall away for good. I learned -although extremely difficult to accept- that a broken friendship is okay. I no longer carry the burden of thinking that I'm a bad friend or a bad person for having disappeared while my life was turned upside down after I changed careers nearly four years ago. I will also no longer apologize for how my life is unfolding and how I choose to deal with it.
That being said, I happened to rekindle some dormant friendships in the last year that I knew in my heart could still sustain life. I'm thrilled that even though our separate worlds have changed, our bond has most certainly stayed in tact. I admit that I do shut the world out sometimes, but I know that the people who are meant to be around when I rebound will be there.
Not unlike last year, I am quite overwhelmed with life at any given moment, and I still don't necessarily have the time or energy for much of a social life. The career I chose is not without its drawbacks, but it's fucking important to me. I still have to work my ass off just to pay my bills, and I'm still perpetually exhausted. And yet, I still find the desire to better myself and constantly improve. I'm always dreaming up ideas and working on new things, and I am now positive that I can have everything I've ever desired.
Last year at this time my outlook on life was grim. I was drowning in a sea of helplessness, unaware of how to save myself. But now I'm so much more accepting of whatever emotion I'm feeling at any point, and I've accepted that difficulties and uncertainties are a part of life. The thought that things could always be better serves as a motivational tool, and the thought that things could most certainly be worse reminds me to express gratitude.
I'm just trying to exist and live a worthy life just like everyone else, succeeding sometimes, failing other times, but accepting my journey nonetheless.
Mentally, so much has changed for me in the last year. Changing my perspective regarding my circumstances changed everything. For instance, last year at this time I was bemoaning the loss of close friendships, and this year I am celebrating having uncovered the truest friends in my life. Real friends understand that life happens, and sustaining a friendship sometimes means only exchanging random texts here and there.
Because the concept of understanding is a major component of any relationship, I learned that those who fail to understand will eventually fall away for good. I learned -although extremely difficult to accept- that a broken friendship is okay. I no longer carry the burden of thinking that I'm a bad friend or a bad person for having disappeared while my life was turned upside down after I changed careers nearly four years ago. I will also no longer apologize for how my life is unfolding and how I choose to deal with it.
That being said, I happened to rekindle some dormant friendships in the last year that I knew in my heart could still sustain life. I'm thrilled that even though our separate worlds have changed, our bond has most certainly stayed in tact. I admit that I do shut the world out sometimes, but I know that the people who are meant to be around when I rebound will be there.
Not unlike last year, I am quite overwhelmed with life at any given moment, and I still don't necessarily have the time or energy for much of a social life. The career I chose is not without its drawbacks, but it's fucking important to me. I still have to work my ass off just to pay my bills, and I'm still perpetually exhausted. And yet, I still find the desire to better myself and constantly improve. I'm always dreaming up ideas and working on new things, and I am now positive that I can have everything I've ever desired.
Last year at this time my outlook on life was grim. I was drowning in a sea of helplessness, unaware of how to save myself. But now I'm so much more accepting of whatever emotion I'm feeling at any point, and I've accepted that difficulties and uncertainties are a part of life. The thought that things could always be better serves as a motivational tool, and the thought that things could most certainly be worse reminds me to express gratitude.
I'm just trying to exist and live a worthy life just like everyone else, succeeding sometimes, failing other times, but accepting my journey nonetheless.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
The Hunter and the Gatherer
During a boxing workshop at work recently, I was enjoying hitting the mitts of my co-worker when she started randomly asking me personal questions. I try to remain private and not to divulge too much of my personal life at work, but apparently her curiosity got the best of her, because as I was firing away punches, she was firing away questions. And the harder I punched, the harder her questions were to answer.
Who is Fabian?
*jab, cross, jab, cross*
First, he was my trainer, then my friend, then my boyfriend, then my friend again. Basically he's my bunny daddy.
*jab, cross, hook*
Did you live with him before?
*jab, cross, hook*
Yes, when I was a poor, newly minted personal trainer and just starting to build my business I lived with him for two years.
*jab, cross, hook, uppercut*
Why did you break up?
*jab, cross, hook, uppercut*
Well, we decided we both had different ideas for our future, so we broke up and remained friends. Best friends.
*jab, cross, jab, cross, jab, cross*
Don't you still want to get married one day?
*jab, cross, dip, jab, cross dip*
Well, it's not that important to me. I'm open to being in a relationship, but marriage is not a goal for me.
*jab, cross, dip, jab, cross dip*
What is important to Stephanie then?
I didn't throw any more punches at this point, because I felt as if I had been the victim of a TKO. Fuck. What is important to me? I could have easily said my work, my family, and my bunnies, but I could tell she was looking for a more meaty answer. Something less obvious.
I don't often have to explain myself to others, therefore I don't often spend a lot of time explaining myself to myself. I know what I don't want, and I have a fairly good idea of what I do want, and that's that.
But many of my big dreams aren't that different from the dreams of people who are married and have kids. For instance, I want to own my own business. I want to own my own home. I want to live closer to my family. I want to travel. I want to live a creative life.
I just don't really see a need for a husband now, or possibly ever. I've been fiercely independent my whole life. I'm 37 years old and for the entirety of my adult life, I have been the hunter AND the gatherer. I have provided for myself in every way possible and have no intention of giving that up. In a society that's constantly trying to make individuals feel less than for not conforming to social standards, I am proud of the fact that I don't have to rely on a man to help me run the show.
Of course I need people in my life. Just because I am independent and love being alone, doesn't mean I don't get lonely or crave love. I just don't want to be anyone else's responsibility. And I don't want to be responsible for anyone else. I love helping friends and loved ones, and I do need help too more often than not, but I don't need a legally binding contract forcing me into a life with someone for better or worse.
Don't get me wrong - I think marriage is more than beneficial for most people. I think the commitment of marriage is admirable and I know couples who go together so well that I've wondered how they ever survived without each other (my parents, for example). I've also known people who have completely turned their lives around because they found a life partner that helped renew their purpose for life. I genuinely believe that marriage makes a lot of people happy. But for my independent spirit, I just don't see the point.
I am open to meeting someone I can be with for the long haul, though. I'm not actively looking for anyone right now, because I'm currently content with the single life, and ain't nobody got time for that anyway.
A few people have asked me if I thought my unconventional relationship with Fabian is preventing me from meeting someone, but I don't really think that's it. Dating just isn't a priority for me right now for so many other reasons. Even though I'm open to finding love, I do realize that I'm less likely to find it if I'm not actively seeking it. For now though, that's okay.
After a tough strength workout recently that made me feel like a total beast, I declared to a co-worker that had I lived in an era of early humans, I would indeed be a hunter AND a gatherer. And that is how I will choose to view my modern day perpetually single status.
Who is Fabian?
*jab, cross, jab, cross*
First, he was my trainer, then my friend, then my boyfriend, then my friend again. Basically he's my bunny daddy.
*jab, cross, hook*
Did you live with him before?
*jab, cross, hook*
Yes, when I was a poor, newly minted personal trainer and just starting to build my business I lived with him for two years.
*jab, cross, hook, uppercut*
Why did you break up?
*jab, cross, hook, uppercut*
Well, we decided we both had different ideas for our future, so we broke up and remained friends. Best friends.
*jab, cross, jab, cross, jab, cross*
Don't you still want to get married one day?
*jab, cross, dip, jab, cross dip*
Well, it's not that important to me. I'm open to being in a relationship, but marriage is not a goal for me.
*jab, cross, dip, jab, cross dip*
What is important to Stephanie then?
I didn't throw any more punches at this point, because I felt as if I had been the victim of a TKO. Fuck. What is important to me? I could have easily said my work, my family, and my bunnies, but I could tell she was looking for a more meaty answer. Something less obvious.
I don't often have to explain myself to others, therefore I don't often spend a lot of time explaining myself to myself. I know what I don't want, and I have a fairly good idea of what I do want, and that's that.
But many of my big dreams aren't that different from the dreams of people who are married and have kids. For instance, I want to own my own business. I want to own my own home. I want to live closer to my family. I want to travel. I want to live a creative life.
I just don't really see a need for a husband now, or possibly ever. I've been fiercely independent my whole life. I'm 37 years old and for the entirety of my adult life, I have been the hunter AND the gatherer. I have provided for myself in every way possible and have no intention of giving that up. In a society that's constantly trying to make individuals feel less than for not conforming to social standards, I am proud of the fact that I don't have to rely on a man to help me run the show.
Of course I need people in my life. Just because I am independent and love being alone, doesn't mean I don't get lonely or crave love. I just don't want to be anyone else's responsibility. And I don't want to be responsible for anyone else. I love helping friends and loved ones, and I do need help too more often than not, but I don't need a legally binding contract forcing me into a life with someone for better or worse.
Don't get me wrong - I think marriage is more than beneficial for most people. I think the commitment of marriage is admirable and I know couples who go together so well that I've wondered how they ever survived without each other (my parents, for example). I've also known people who have completely turned their lives around because they found a life partner that helped renew their purpose for life. I genuinely believe that marriage makes a lot of people happy. But for my independent spirit, I just don't see the point.
I am open to meeting someone I can be with for the long haul, though. I'm not actively looking for anyone right now, because I'm currently content with the single life, and ain't nobody got time for that anyway.
A few people have asked me if I thought my unconventional relationship with Fabian is preventing me from meeting someone, but I don't really think that's it. Dating just isn't a priority for me right now for so many other reasons. Even though I'm open to finding love, I do realize that I'm less likely to find it if I'm not actively seeking it. For now though, that's okay.
After a tough strength workout recently that made me feel like a total beast, I declared to a co-worker that had I lived in an era of early humans, I would indeed be a hunter AND a gatherer. And that is how I will choose to view my modern day perpetually single status.
The Decision
I was visiting my parents in Ohio and sitting in their living room on an impossibly hot July day several years ago when LeBron James announced his decision to take his talents to Miami. The reaction to the The Decision by Cavs fans was heard round the world. People in Ohio freaked the fuck out. The local news paper, in highly dramatic fashion, published a nearly full page photo of the reactionary faces of the members of one of his fan clubs - a group of grandmothers. Grandmothers, for crying out loud. Does it get any sadder than seeing a bunch of grandmothers looking shocked and disappointed?! Some people were more angry than sad and they expressed their anger by burning jerseys bearing his name in the streets. Upon hearing the news, my Dad laced together a line of obscenities so long it could have circled the globe several times.
My own reaction was a bit different though. As a life long Cavs fan and supporter of LeBron James, I did not immediately feel sad, angry, or disappointed. I felt brief shock, followed by a complete understanding. LeBron wasn't leaving Ohio because he hated it. LeBron was leaving Ohio because he needed to discover more. He needed to experience more. He wanted to get out of the bubble that is Akron, Ohio because the idea that life was different in other parts of the country was not lost on him. Okay, maybe he thought he'd have a better chance to win a championship in Miami. In fact, I'm pretty sure that was the number one reason. And maybe I'm the one projecting all of these thoughts onto LeBron's situation because these are all the things I felt when I decided to leave the town where I grew up to move to Chicago.
I did not want to leave because I hated Ohio or I hated my family. I wanted to leave because I had the desire to grow. Previously to moving to Chicago, I had always taken the easy road, or the path of least resistance. Challenge scared me, so I avoided it most of the time. Even though finishing college in four years was challenging, I chose the least challenging major, for instance. My decision to move to Chicago was going to be the biggest challenge of my life, and I needed to prove to myself that I could do it.
I've been in the city for nearly 14 years, and I can say without reservation that the big city does not make life easy. The big city does not allow you to take the path of least resistance. I've struggled a lot while living in Chicago, but I've changed a lot too. I'm a stronger person because of my struggles, and I don't think I'd be the person I am today if I never risked it all to move so far out of my comfort zone.
Despite the grind and grit of city life, being away from my family for 14 years has definitely been the hardest part of living in Chicago. I often find myself wondering what more I have left to do in Chicago, or if it's finally time to wrap things up in Oz and click my heels to head back to Kansas.
In fact, I have such a strong desire to move back to Ohio to be closer to my family that I'm predicting I'll make the move within the year. I've been weighing this decision for several years now, and I finally feel in my heart that it's time. I truly feel as if I came, I saw, and I conquered the big city. There is plenty I'll miss, plenty I won't, but nothing beats the fact that I just want to be with my family.
Despite the grind and grit of city life, being away from my family for 14 years has definitely been the hardest part of living in Chicago. I often find myself wondering what more I have left to do in Chicago, or if it's finally time to wrap things up in Oz and click my heels to head back to Kansas.
In fact, I have such a strong desire to move back to Ohio to be closer to my family that I'm predicting I'll make the move within the year. I've been weighing this decision for several years now, and I finally feel in my heart that it's time. I truly feel as if I came, I saw, and I conquered the big city. There is plenty I'll miss, plenty I won't, but nothing beats the fact that I just want to be with my family.
Friday, January 29, 2016
The Many Forms of Fulfillment
As the perky blonde woman at the Morley Health Center proceeded to passionately talk about all the "wonderful" changes that occur when a girl morphs into a woman, my bony butt began to shift uncomfortably in the hard, plastic chair. My Mom was sitting next to me and I felt a little embarrassed that such a topic was being discussed in her presence. As a fifth grader, it just didn't seem natural to hear all about the joys of leg shaving and training bras. After all I was still playing with Barbie dolls and had absolutely no protrusions on my chest that required any sort of "training." (I still don't, truth be told.)
But the real discomfort set in when the woman began teaching my fellow girl scouts and I about childbirth and our reproductive organs. I don't know what grossed me out more - the frequent talk of blood or the word "uterus." Either way the whole situation disgusted me and when the cheerful woman asked if anyone had questions, I promptly raised my hand and announced that I was going to barf.
Without hesitation my Mom grabbed my hand and rushed me into the hallway and into the bathroom where I proceeded to blow chunks. As my lasagna dinner reappeared before me, my Mom uttered the words, "You will never be able to handle having babies." I did not disagree.
I've always known that I didn't want to have children. I played with Barbie dolls, not baby dolls, for instance, and my Barbie dolls never became mothers. In addition to the gross out factor of childbirth, babysitting every child within a 5 minute bike ride from my parent's house as a teen made me feel just as queasy about the idea of parenting. But of course I've spent most of my life in denial of this feeling. I mean, having kids is what we are supposed to do, right?
As a kid who grew up in a middle class suburban town, I was only ever exposed to what was deemed "normal," and normal is basically defined as "what everybody else is doing." So I thought I'd grow up to get married and have kids because that's what "normal" people did. I even told my 7th grade English teacher that my life plan was to graduate college, get married at 24, then start having kids at 27. She looked at me square in the eyes and asked, "You think it's really gonna happen that way?" Well, yeah. Of course. Why wouldn't it?
It wasn't until I was exposed to thought provoking adult literature at my liberal arts university that I discovered that marriage and family are options, not obligations. The Awakening by Kate Chopin specifically served as my epiphany and woke me up to a whole new world of possibilities for living my life that felt far more natural to me.
Still, I wasn't quite ready to accept that I wasn't the mommy type. For years I kept myself open to the possibility of marriage and family only if I met the right guy. Well, I've met plenty of right guys, but none of them ended up magically changing how I felt.
A close friend once urged me not to be so close-minded. But why would I force myself to feel the opposite way of something I was so sure of in my heart? I took the advice anyway and continued to date men that I knew wanted to be fathers one day. But I only ended up breaking hearts and becoming discouraged and extremely heartbroken myself. I've felt like a fake, a fraud, and a deceptive bitch telling boyfriends that I'd consider having children when my entire being was firmly rejecting the possibility.
I can comprehend why people cannot fathom the decisions of others, especially when something like having kids is such a strong biological pull for most women. But imagine, if you will, having no desire or biological pull to want to have a baby? At 37 years old, my womb is not crying out for a child. My womb has never even whispered the thought.
Just because I have no desire to have kids does not mean that I don't like children. I am obsessed with my nephew. I love babies just as much as anyone and I believe that holding a baby is the most peaceful feeling on earth. I love the small voices of toddlers and I love the hilarious things that come out of their mouths. I empathize with the struggles of fluctuating teenage hormones, as I am still very in tune with what it was like to be a teenager. But these are all things I can enjoy or appreciate without bearing any fruit myself.
I will offer a dose of honesty and admit that I do not like the loud chaos that children cause, even though I think it's crucial for kids to be wild and crazy and play their little hearts out. But truth be told, I didn't even like the chaos of children when I was one. I always preferred playing alone in quiet spaces and hanging out with the adults at family gatherings. Adult conversation has always been far more fascinating to me, even when I was too young to fully understand what was being discussed.
I also don't like the thought of being tethered to my home because I cannot go out if I don't have someone to babysit the kids. And I do not like the thought of leaving my house on a whim only with the condition of having to dress a baby in bulky winter gear and haul around an even bulkier stroller.
I don't want to help my kid learn long division, because I feel I already suffered enough math hell for several lifetimes.
I don't want to schlep my kids and their gear to sporting events in the cold and be forced to make idle chit chat with other parents. My parents loved going to my brother's games growing up, and my brother loves going to my nephew's games. Being parents is what they love and what they do well. And while I absolutely love seeing my nephew in action at his soccer games when I visit, I just cannot muster the same sort of enthusiasm for the idea of cheering on my own kids every Saturday.
Most of all, I don't like like the thought of sacrificing my alone time and already feel as if I don't have enough time to myself. That might sound a little crazy, but if you are introverted, you probably understand. My time alone is as important as the air I breathe.
Maybe you think I'm selfish, but I consider myself self-aware. I know in my heart of hearts that being a Mom would not positively add to my life. And with 7 billion people on this earth I'm fairly certain the world doesn't need my rugrats running around. But I respect the demanding role of motherhood to an infinite degree. I'm just not cut out for that role. And I'm okay with that.
Sometimes it irks me when I see things on Facebook regarding how, "People don't know what exhaustion is until they've had kids!" or shit like, "We didn't know what fulfillment was until we had kids!" Well, I can tell you that getting home at 10:30pm after a full day of physical activity and being "on," and then having to wake up at 4:30am to do it all over again is pretty fucking exhausting. The difference, I recognize, is that I do actually get to sleep in a couple times a week, and I'm beyond thankful for that. Perpetual sleep deprivation is definitely another reason I don't want children, but I commend the courageous men and women willing to sacrifice their slumber for 18 years or so.
Regarding fulfillment, I can assure you that having a child would not satisfy a missing piece to my life's puzzle. Because fulfillment comes from within and doesn't come from chasing happiness through external sources, there are many paths to fulfillment. Fulfillment stems from spending time doing what you love and living authentically, which is different for everyone. It's being at peace with who you are and the decisions you make regarding how to live your life.
Although I kind of hoped I'd be the rich, world-traveling aunt who could pay for her nephew's college education and could afford to take her whole family on vacations, I am not. But I've learned that being a single, childless, jet-setting city gal with plenty of disposable income is not the opposite of having a family.
I gain fulfillment from working out and being fit and healthy. I gain fulfillment from reading and learning. I gain fulfillment from being organized and having my shit together. I gain fulfillment from a full night of sleep and eating well. I gain fulfillment by setting new goals every year and working hard to reach them. I gain fulfillment at work by helping people become stronger and healthier than they were before they met me. I gain fulfillment from taking care of my pet bunnies. I gain fulfillment from spending Christmas with my family every year.
You see, my life is not lacking because I am not married and do not have children. There are a lot of things I love about my life that wouldn't even be possible if I were married with children.
I'm endlessly respectful of how anyone chooses to live their life, and all I want is for people to respect my path. At the very least, I hope people will understand that I am happy with the choices I've made for my life. And I hope that you are happy with the choices you've made for your life, understanding that amidst all of life's obligations, we are fortunate to have options.
But the real discomfort set in when the woman began teaching my fellow girl scouts and I about childbirth and our reproductive organs. I don't know what grossed me out more - the frequent talk of blood or the word "uterus." Either way the whole situation disgusted me and when the cheerful woman asked if anyone had questions, I promptly raised my hand and announced that I was going to barf.
Without hesitation my Mom grabbed my hand and rushed me into the hallway and into the bathroom where I proceeded to blow chunks. As my lasagna dinner reappeared before me, my Mom uttered the words, "You will never be able to handle having babies." I did not disagree.
I've always known that I didn't want to have children. I played with Barbie dolls, not baby dolls, for instance, and my Barbie dolls never became mothers. In addition to the gross out factor of childbirth, babysitting every child within a 5 minute bike ride from my parent's house as a teen made me feel just as queasy about the idea of parenting. But of course I've spent most of my life in denial of this feeling. I mean, having kids is what we are supposed to do, right?
As a kid who grew up in a middle class suburban town, I was only ever exposed to what was deemed "normal," and normal is basically defined as "what everybody else is doing." So I thought I'd grow up to get married and have kids because that's what "normal" people did. I even told my 7th grade English teacher that my life plan was to graduate college, get married at 24, then start having kids at 27. She looked at me square in the eyes and asked, "You think it's really gonna happen that way?" Well, yeah. Of course. Why wouldn't it?
It wasn't until I was exposed to thought provoking adult literature at my liberal arts university that I discovered that marriage and family are options, not obligations. The Awakening by Kate Chopin specifically served as my epiphany and woke me up to a whole new world of possibilities for living my life that felt far more natural to me.
Still, I wasn't quite ready to accept that I wasn't the mommy type. For years I kept myself open to the possibility of marriage and family only if I met the right guy. Well, I've met plenty of right guys, but none of them ended up magically changing how I felt.
A close friend once urged me not to be so close-minded. But why would I force myself to feel the opposite way of something I was so sure of in my heart? I took the advice anyway and continued to date men that I knew wanted to be fathers one day. But I only ended up breaking hearts and becoming discouraged and extremely heartbroken myself. I've felt like a fake, a fraud, and a deceptive bitch telling boyfriends that I'd consider having children when my entire being was firmly rejecting the possibility.
I can comprehend why people cannot fathom the decisions of others, especially when something like having kids is such a strong biological pull for most women. But imagine, if you will, having no desire or biological pull to want to have a baby? At 37 years old, my womb is not crying out for a child. My womb has never even whispered the thought.
Just because I have no desire to have kids does not mean that I don't like children. I am obsessed with my nephew. I love babies just as much as anyone and I believe that holding a baby is the most peaceful feeling on earth. I love the small voices of toddlers and I love the hilarious things that come out of their mouths. I empathize with the struggles of fluctuating teenage hormones, as I am still very in tune with what it was like to be a teenager. But these are all things I can enjoy or appreciate without bearing any fruit myself.
I will offer a dose of honesty and admit that I do not like the loud chaos that children cause, even though I think it's crucial for kids to be wild and crazy and play their little hearts out. But truth be told, I didn't even like the chaos of children when I was one. I always preferred playing alone in quiet spaces and hanging out with the adults at family gatherings. Adult conversation has always been far more fascinating to me, even when I was too young to fully understand what was being discussed.
I also don't like the thought of being tethered to my home because I cannot go out if I don't have someone to babysit the kids. And I do not like the thought of leaving my house on a whim only with the condition of having to dress a baby in bulky winter gear and haul around an even bulkier stroller.
I don't want to help my kid learn long division, because I feel I already suffered enough math hell for several lifetimes.
I don't want to schlep my kids and their gear to sporting events in the cold and be forced to make idle chit chat with other parents. My parents loved going to my brother's games growing up, and my brother loves going to my nephew's games. Being parents is what they love and what they do well. And while I absolutely love seeing my nephew in action at his soccer games when I visit, I just cannot muster the same sort of enthusiasm for the idea of cheering on my own kids every Saturday.
Most of all, I don't like like the thought of sacrificing my alone time and already feel as if I don't have enough time to myself. That might sound a little crazy, but if you are introverted, you probably understand. My time alone is as important as the air I breathe.
Maybe you think I'm selfish, but I consider myself self-aware. I know in my heart of hearts that being a Mom would not positively add to my life. And with 7 billion people on this earth I'm fairly certain the world doesn't need my rugrats running around. But I respect the demanding role of motherhood to an infinite degree. I'm just not cut out for that role. And I'm okay with that.
Sometimes it irks me when I see things on Facebook regarding how, "People don't know what exhaustion is until they've had kids!" or shit like, "We didn't know what fulfillment was until we had kids!" Well, I can tell you that getting home at 10:30pm after a full day of physical activity and being "on," and then having to wake up at 4:30am to do it all over again is pretty fucking exhausting. The difference, I recognize, is that I do actually get to sleep in a couple times a week, and I'm beyond thankful for that. Perpetual sleep deprivation is definitely another reason I don't want children, but I commend the courageous men and women willing to sacrifice their slumber for 18 years or so.
Regarding fulfillment, I can assure you that having a child would not satisfy a missing piece to my life's puzzle. Because fulfillment comes from within and doesn't come from chasing happiness through external sources, there are many paths to fulfillment. Fulfillment stems from spending time doing what you love and living authentically, which is different for everyone. It's being at peace with who you are and the decisions you make regarding how to live your life.
Although I kind of hoped I'd be the rich, world-traveling aunt who could pay for her nephew's college education and could afford to take her whole family on vacations, I am not. But I've learned that being a single, childless, jet-setting city gal with plenty of disposable income is not the opposite of having a family.
I gain fulfillment from working out and being fit and healthy. I gain fulfillment from reading and learning. I gain fulfillment from being organized and having my shit together. I gain fulfillment from a full night of sleep and eating well. I gain fulfillment by setting new goals every year and working hard to reach them. I gain fulfillment at work by helping people become stronger and healthier than they were before they met me. I gain fulfillment from taking care of my pet bunnies. I gain fulfillment from spending Christmas with my family every year.
You see, my life is not lacking because I am not married and do not have children. There are a lot of things I love about my life that wouldn't even be possible if I were married with children.
I'm endlessly respectful of how anyone chooses to live their life, and all I want is for people to respect my path. At the very least, I hope people will understand that I am happy with the choices I've made for my life. And I hope that you are happy with the choices you've made for your life, understanding that amidst all of life's obligations, we are fortunate to have options.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
What I Learned in 2015
Months ago my brother texted me some photos he pulled from a
scrapbook I made for him when he graduated high school. One of the photos was
of myself, my best friend Mandy, and my brother. He sent another of himself and his
best friend Michael who passed away when we were in high school. I told him I
didn’t remember when or where the photos were taken, to which he replied,
“That’s why you need to see the movie Inside
Out.”
Without totally giving the plot away, I will only tell you
that the movie is about an 11 year old girl and the various emotions living inside
her head, along with the life-long memories stored in her brain. Up until a certain point as a child, the emotion of joy is what we experience most, and we tend to mostly reflect upon happy memories. But as the story unfolds we learn that as we grow older, the positive and negative events in our lives and our
resulting emotions are far more complicated - and necessary.
The movie helped me remember the
importance of making memories, even though many of them naturally become dormant along the way. But for most of my life, I was obsessed with creating experiences for
myself that I could learn from and recall fondly. As an adult in her late
30’s, however, I’ve had a tendency to get wrapped up in all the things I
have to do just to exist that I forget the importance of relaxing,
having fun, and taking the time to reflect upon positive and negative experiences in the form of journaling.
In addition to making quality memories, learning to accept all of my emotions was the biggest lesson I learned in 2015. I discovered that it's okay to be sad, for instance. It’s okay to feel sadness and not be happy all of the time. In fact, I'm doing a serious disservice to myself when I don’t honor my emotions. Resisting negative feelings and experiencing guilt for not being happy all of the time only makes me feel worse. But it's impossible to feel happiness all of the time, and that's actually a good thing. Think about it. If humans were happy all of the time, would we ever find the motivation to challenge ourselves and become better people by trying new things? Nope.
Just as much as it’s okay to feel sadness, I re-learned that it’s
okay to have FUN! In fact, “play time” is crucial to my well
being, as it is for every human. We live in a society that
values being busy all of the time. Being overbooked, overwhelmed, and
chronically exhausted is a lifestyle considered tantamount to a life balanced
with hard work and leisure in this country. Even though I learned to resist the
toxic concept of a “go, go, go” lifestyle, I haven’t totally let go of the
guilt that I’ve been conditioned to feel anytime I’m doing anything other
than working or doing chores. But play time is important for a healthy
lifestyle. Play time in the form of drawing, sprinting up a hill, dancing,
painting, etc. fosters creativity and relieves stress. It allows us to be
present while getting lost in the moment. It allows us to focus on the task at
hand, while simultaneously helping us figure out solutions to problems
unrelated to the task at hand.
2015 was the year of understanding and honoring my emotions. This past year definitely had some rough patches, but there were also a lot of highlights to balance things out. I learned even more about myself and the world this year than the previous year, and as long as I continue to learn and grow every year that I’m alive, I will consider myself fulfilled.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)