My personal training text book defines the term "pattern overload" as: 1. Repetitive physical activity that moves through the same patterns of motion, placing the same stresses on the body over time. 2. Consistently repeating the same pattern of motion, which may place abnormal stresses on the body.
This term came to my mind recently as I was thinking about my love life. I have a very distinct pattern when it comes to dating, and although I'm well aware of it, I can't seem to break it. For instance, it's quite obvious to me that I tend to hopelessly chase guys who like me well enough, but who are emotionally unavailable, or who are just simply unable to commit to a relationship at the moment... or, with me. I let them keep me safely at arms length and never question how/why/what they are feeling, and I don't dare divulge my own feelings for fear of stirring the pot and screwing things up. I end up sticking around for too long hoping that something will click and change for the better, but it never does. I consistently lie to myself and think that something is there when it's not, and then I'm crushed any time the truth emerges.
After each crushing blow I'm left asking myself the same questions over and over again: What did I do wrong? What could I have done to make it work? What could I have done to make him like me more? Was I too guarded? Was I not assertive enough with my feelings?
Shit like this makes me feel like I'm eons away from being in the "right relationship." Will I ever get it right?
I haven't written about my dating life lately, but that doesn't mean it has been inactive. In fact, I was kinda, sorta, maybe, somewhat, vaguely involved with someone during the past 6 months or so. He's an exceptionally amazing and wonderful person whom I consider a friend, first and foremost, so during the points over the last 6 months when I didn't think we were anything more than friends, I was okay with that (mostly). But there were many times when I was led to believe it was maybe more, and that was all exciting and good - until the next round of mixed signals confused my already overly ruminating mind. But of course I never dared to ask, "What the hell is going on with us?" for fear of not hearing what I wanted to hear, even though I wasn't hearing anything I wanted to hear in the first place. Ignorance is bliss...er, at least it's momentarily satisfying.
When it comes to love and dating for me, hope outshines reality, and hope is what I normally choose to latch onto. I guess this is the caveat to being an optimistic person.
I may not have been getting exactly what I wanted from him, but it's my fault for expecting more than he could give, and it's my fault for lying to myself for so long when deep down I knew that he couldn't.
But because I've been single for so long, receiving the "good night" texts during the past six months were simply satisfying enough to pleasantly remind me that, at the end of the day, I'm not alone in this world.
According to my personal training textbook, a good flexibility/balance/strength program can correct the cumulative injury cycle caused by the pattern overload that places abnormal stresses on the body. And as my dating pattern overload is placing abnormal stresses on my heart, it's time I finally prescribe a flexibility/balance/strength program to correct it.
"Just cause you feel it, doesn't mean it's there." - lyric from There There by Radiohead
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
The Grit and The Glamour
Do you ever tend to view your home differently when you're preparing for company? I mean, do you ever try to view your space through someone else's eyes and ask yourself how they would see things differently? What would they notice that you wouldn't normally make a conscious effort to see? Should you change something? Do you find that your space is a true reflection of who you are, and then do you appreciate it more?
Like my home, I have a tendency to view my city differently each and every time I witness one of those double decker bus tours, or trolley tours, or walking tours taking place. I kind of snicker at all the craned necks and constant camera flashes, even though I'm still totally guilty of doing the same thing after living here for ten years. But I always wonder what those tourists think about what they are seeing. Are they shocked by how many people are walking around at any given time of day? Are they surprised by how many races and languages they encounter? Are they simply in awe of the massive concrete jungle? Do they honestly think the "bean" in Millennium Park is one of the coolest things they've ever seen?
I often reflect upon the fact that the tourists left their homes in Wherever, USA to visit the city in which I am lucky enough and grateful to live. I may not have been born and raised here, but I'm filled to the brim with Chicago pride.
The city can be harsh, and it isn't always kind, but I have found that kindness emerges from the most unexpected places. The city certainly isn't for the faint of heart (or the extreme right-winged republican, for that matter), but it IS most certainly for me. I embrace the grit just as much as the glamour, and, like kindness, I often find that beauty emerges from the most unexpected places.
Below is a verrrry small representation of the way Chicago is viewed through my own eyes:
Like my home, I have a tendency to view my city differently each and every time I witness one of those double decker bus tours, or trolley tours, or walking tours taking place. I kind of snicker at all the craned necks and constant camera flashes, even though I'm still totally guilty of doing the same thing after living here for ten years. But I always wonder what those tourists think about what they are seeing. Are they shocked by how many people are walking around at any given time of day? Are they surprised by how many races and languages they encounter? Are they simply in awe of the massive concrete jungle? Do they honestly think the "bean" in Millennium Park is one of the coolest things they've ever seen?
I often reflect upon the fact that the tourists left their homes in Wherever, USA to visit the city in which I am lucky enough and grateful to live. I may not have been born and raised here, but I'm filled to the brim with Chicago pride.
The city can be harsh, and it isn't always kind, but I have found that kindness emerges from the most unexpected places. The city certainly isn't for the faint of heart (or the extreme right-winged republican, for that matter), but it IS most certainly for me. I embrace the grit just as much as the glamour, and, like kindness, I often find that beauty emerges from the most unexpected places.
Below is a verrrry small representation of the way Chicago is viewed through my own eyes:
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| Tulips on State Street - always an official sign of spring. |
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| Lake Michigan rocks |
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| Good ol' Wrigley Field scoreboard |
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| I love my diverse neighborhood, and I love that I can get frutas con lima, sal, y pimiento en la playa. |
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| View from my office. |
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| Waiting for the train |
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| The Magnificent Mile Festival of Lights Parade |
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| State Street around Christmas time |
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| Ice skating in Millennium Park |
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| Beautiful February day |
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| My favorite alley |
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| More Lake Michigan rocks near my apartment |
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| Shamrock Shuffle in Grant Park |
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| I wander the city A LOT, and sometimes, I just stumble upon the inexplicable! |
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| View from the Sears - ok, "Willis"- Tower |
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| Cinco de Mayo Festival in the Little Village neighborhood |
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| Osterman Beach in the Edgewater neighborhood |
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| Garden path in Millennium Park |
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| Heavy Metal in Millennium Park |
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| Walking to the train from the gym in the West Loop. |
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| That shiny silver sliver in the middle is my office building. |
Thursday, June 21, 2012
The Devil Wears Ralph Lauren
Not sure how this happened, especially because I'm not her assistant, but somehow I was elected to go to my boss's house today and wait for a FedEx package from Ralph Lauren. This solution was determined after my boss scheduled the delivery to her home even though she knew she wouldn't be there to accept it (she's staying at the Trump hotel because her AC is out), and after I had already called FedEx twice to see if they could redirect the package or leave it without a signature (they couldn't). Oh and speaking of AC, I also had to stick around and wait for the AC repair man while I was there.
Um, seriously? This type of shit is definitely not included in my job description.
I'm so thankful I made the decision this week to take my PT exam a full two months early. The sooner I get out of the Wicked Witch of the Midwest's clutches and get on with my life, the better.
Today's incident reminded me of my early days with the company, which was terrifying to relive.
Uh oh.
Does this mean that my whole work life is going toflash before my eyes be shown in slow motion during my remaining time there?
Um, seriously? This type of shit is definitely not included in my job description.
I'm so thankful I made the decision this week to take my PT exam a full two months early. The sooner I get out of the Wicked Witch of the Midwest's clutches and get on with my life, the better.
Today's incident reminded me of my early days with the company, which was terrifying to relive.
Uh oh.
Does this mean that my whole work life is going to
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
It's Really Happening
Reality is finally setting in that my life is going to be flipped-turned-upside-down like that of the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire within the next few months. After hating my job for sooooo long, I will soon be jumping feet first into a brand new career. I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so... SCARED like Jessie Spano from Saved By The Bell. (Ok, don't worry, I think I'm out of early 90's TV show references).
I keep having dreams that I'm on a roller coaster during the slow but steady climb to the top of the first hill. I'm terrified to reach the top and make that initial decline, but I'm also thrilled about it. This dream mirrors EXACTLY how I'm feeling about all the pending changes in my life.
Truly and honestly, I can admit that few decisions have ever felt really, really right during my 33+ years on this planet, but this new career is certainly one of them. I know I can do this, and I know that if I work hard enough, I can be very successful at it. I certainly have all the support in the world, which means the world to me.
I'm excited to help people. I'm excited to get to work and know that my work is making a difference. I'm excited to inspire and to be inspired by my clients. Bottom line - I'm excited to make my number one passion & priority my profession.
"You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand."
-Woodrow T. Wilson
I keep having dreams that I'm on a roller coaster during the slow but steady climb to the top of the first hill. I'm terrified to reach the top and make that initial decline, but I'm also thrilled about it. This dream mirrors EXACTLY how I'm feeling about all the pending changes in my life.
Truly and honestly, I can admit that few decisions have ever felt really, really right during my 33+ years on this planet, but this new career is certainly one of them. I know I can do this, and I know that if I work hard enough, I can be very successful at it. I certainly have all the support in the world, which means the world to me.
I'm excited to help people. I'm excited to get to work and know that my work is making a difference. I'm excited to inspire and to be inspired by my clients. Bottom line - I'm excited to make my number one passion & priority my profession.
"You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand."
-Woodrow T. Wilson
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