The Hunter and the Gatherer

During a boxing workshop at work recently, I was enjoying hitting the mitts of my co-worker when she started randomly asking me personal questions. I try to remain private and not to divulge too much of my personal life at work, but apparently her curiosity got the best of her, because as I was firing away punches, she was firing away questions. And the harder I punched, the harder her questions were to answer.

Who is Fabian?

*jab, cross, jab, cross*

First, he was my trainer, then my friend, then my boyfriend, then my friend again. Basically he's my bunny daddy.

*jab, cross, hook*

Did you live with him before?

*jab, cross, hook*

Yes, when I was a poor, newly minted personal trainer and just starting to build my business I lived with him for two years.

*jab, cross, hook, uppercut*

Why did you break up?

*jab, cross, hook, uppercut*

Well, we decided we both had different ideas for our future, so we broke up and remained friends. Best friends.

*jab, cross, jab, cross, jab, cross*

Don't you still want to get married one day?

*jab, cross, dip, jab, cross dip*

Well, it's not that important to me. I'm open to being in a relationship, but marriage is not a goal for me.

*jab, cross, dip, jab, cross dip*

What is important to Stephanie then?

I didn't throw any more punches at this point, because I felt as if I had been the victim of a TKO. Fuck. What is important to me? I could have easily said my work, my family, and my bunnies, but I could tell she was looking for a more meaty answer. Something less obvious.

I don't often have to explain myself to others, therefore I don't often spend a lot of time explaining myself to myself. I know what I don't want, and I have a fairly good idea of what I do want, and that's that.

But many of my big dreams aren't that different from the dreams of people who are married and have kids. For instance, I want to own my own business. I want to own my own home. I want to live closer to my family. I want to travel. I want to live a creative life.

I just don't really see a need for a husband now, or possibly ever. I've been fiercely independent my whole life. I'm 37 years old and for the entirety of my adult life, I have been the hunter AND the gatherer. I have provided for myself in every way possible and have no intention of giving that up. In a society that's constantly trying to make individuals feel less than for not conforming to social standards, I am proud of the fact that I don't have to rely on a man to help me run the show.

Of course I need people in my life. Just because I am independent and love being alone, doesn't mean I don't get lonely or crave love. I just don't want to be anyone else's responsibility. And I don't want to be responsible for anyone else. I love helping friends and loved ones, and I do need help too more often than not, but I don't need a legally binding contract forcing me into a life with someone for better or worse.

Don't get me wrong - I think marriage is more than beneficial for most people. I think the commitment of marriage is admirable and I know couples who go together so well that I've wondered how they ever survived without each other (my parents, for example).  I've also known people who have completely turned their lives around because they found a life partner that helped renew their purpose for life. I genuinely believe that marriage makes a lot of people happy. But for my independent spirit, I just don't see the point.

I am open to meeting someone I can be with for the long haul, though. I'm not actively looking for anyone right now, because I'm currently content with the single life, and ain't nobody got time for that anyway.

A few people have asked me if I thought my unconventional relationship with Fabian is preventing me from meeting someone, but I don't really think that's it. Dating just isn't a priority for me right now for so many other reasons. Even though I'm open to finding love, I do realize that I'm less likely to find it if I'm not actively seeking it. For now though, that's okay.

After a tough strength workout recently that made me feel like a total beast, I declared to a co-worker that had I lived in an era of early humans, I would indeed be a hunter AND a gatherer. And that is how I will choose to view my modern day perpetually single status.

The Decision

I was visiting my parents in Ohio and sitting in their living room on an impossibly hot July day several years ago when LeBron James announced his decision to take his talents to Miami. The reaction to the The Decision by Cavs fans was heard round the world. People in Ohio freaked the fuck out. The local news paper, in highly dramatic fashion, published a nearly full page photo of the reactionary faces of the members of one of his fan clubs - a group of grandmothers. Grandmothers, for crying out loud. Does it get any sadder than seeing a bunch of grandmothers looking shocked and disappointed?! Some people were more angry than sad and they expressed their anger by burning jerseys bearing his name in the streets. Upon hearing the news, my Dad laced together a line of obscenities so long it could have circled the globe several times.

My own reaction was a bit different though. As a life long Cavs fan and supporter of LeBron James, I did not immediately feel sad, angry, or disappointed. I felt brief shock, followed by a complete understanding. LeBron wasn't leaving Ohio because he hated it. LeBron was leaving Ohio because he needed to discover more. He needed to experience more. He wanted to get out of the bubble that is Akron, Ohio because the idea that life was different in other parts of the country was not lost on him. Okay, maybe he thought he'd have a better chance to win a championship in Miami. In fact, I'm pretty sure that was the number one reason. And maybe I'm the one projecting all of these thoughts onto LeBron's situation because these are all the things I felt when I decided to leave the town where I grew up to move to Chicago. 

I did not want to leave because I hated Ohio or I hated my family. I wanted to leave because I had the desire to grow. Previously to moving to Chicago, I had always taken the easy road, or the path of least resistance. Challenge scared me, so I avoided it most of the time. Even though finishing college in four years was challenging, I chose the least challenging major, for instance. My decision to move to Chicago was going to be the biggest challenge of my life, and I needed to prove to myself that I could do it. 

I've been in the city for nearly 14 years, and I can say without reservation that the big city does not make life easy. The big city does not allow you to take the path of least resistance. I've struggled a lot while living in Chicago, but I've changed a lot too. I'm a stronger person because of my struggles, and I don't think I'd be the person I am today if I never risked it all to move so far out of my comfort zone.

Despite the grind and grit of city life, being away from my family for 14 years has definitely been the hardest part of living in Chicago. I often find myself wondering what more I have left to do in Chicago, or if it's finally time to wrap things up in Oz and click my heels to head back to Kansas.

In fact, I have such a strong desire to move back to Ohio to be closer to my family that I'm predicting I'll make the move within the year. I've been weighing this decision for several years now, and I finally feel in my heart that it's time. I truly feel as if I came, I saw, and I conquered the big city. There is plenty I'll miss, plenty I won't, but nothing beats the fact that I just want to be with my family.