I have a lot of trouble being "present" or "in the moment." As much as I practice yoga or practice redirecting my brain from ruminating, more often than not I find my mind drifting to events of the past or anxiously peering into a future riddled with uncertainty. In other words, my brain is usually anywhere but "here." It has dawned on me that when I do look back on my life though, I wish I would have appreciated whatever I was going through at any particular time, good or bad, but especially good. It has dawned on me that I take a lot of cool stuff about my life for granted.
I recently had a conversation with my BFF about how doing laundry really makes me feel like I have my shit together. I gushed to him that something about the cleansing, the folding, the organizing and putting away that makes me feel like I really have everything in line. He commented in response to my passionate rant about domestic chores, "But you do have your shit together. You're just too busy always comparing yourself to others." OMG. TOTES. If I just remembered to pause and realize that I'm exactly where I need to be right now at this time in my life, I'd be a whole lot happier and less anxious about my circumstances.
It's like I purposely avoid eye contact with the present moment, even though the present moment is really the only thing that ever matters. Nothing lasts forever, good or bad, and no one is truly stuck anywhere, so why would I ever let my happiness be compromised by external circumstances that aren't permanent anyway?
Bear with me for this next sentence, but I think that by looking into the future to look back at the present as the past, I'd find a lot more happiness, and would express far more gratitude to God for my life. An example of this came to me this week as I thought about how as a kid I used to vacation in North Carolina with my family during summertime for two whole weeks. For the love. TWO WHOLE WEEKS! I didn't quite appreciate my good fortune too much at the time, but holy shit if I knew back then that spending two weeks at the coast would nearly be impossible for me as an adult, I might have eaten more ice cream cones while walking along the beach. I might have spent an extra hour every day with my toes in the sand. I definitely would have shown more gratitude toward my parents for blessing me with such an incredible opportunity every summer of my already awesome childhood.
Obviously, being an adult is a bit different though, because life is more about responsibility and not always about fun. There are plenty of ups and downs and plenty of times where I let the downs take over my life. But I tend to look back at various times during my adult life in Chicago when I thought I wasn't happy and realize that I still had it really good. So I don't understand why I don't embrace and appreciate my current circumstances a little more. This is my life. It's happening. But I tend not to wholly appreciate my life until I can only reflect upon moments that have passed. Even the not-so-rosy experiences only exist to teach me, and although I know deep down that rocky roads make me stronger, it's so easy to forget and get incredibly frustrated when things aren't going my way.
My current life situation is that I'm 35 years old and living with roommates, which isn't as easy or as comfortable as living solo, and at times I get so worked up about it that I feel as if my emotional well being is teetering on the edge of a cliff. Additionally, my career as a personal trainer is completely exhausting and time consuming, and I make very little money to show for my relentless hard work. I'll admit that I get annoyed by my life sometimes. Okay, I get annoyed a lot of times. But, why? What's the point? When I force myself to look at the big picture, or as I mentioned previously, when I force myself to "look into the future to look back at the present as the past," I immediately remember that I'm truly blessed because I LOVE my career, and I'm getting by just fine, so I shouldn't worry about not making a ton of money. Also, I LOVE paying cheap rent. I LOVE living with my BFF. And I deeply value the opportunity to reside in an international household (my other roommate is Taiwanese and my BFF and his parents - who live downstairs - are Chilean). My situation works. For now, that is. Living with roommates won't be forever, and I may not have the good fortune to be a trainer forever, so why not just enjoy my life for what it is right now?
When I stop comparing myself to others and really pause to take in the moment, I realize that I'm lucky beyond measure. I need to spend more time appreciating my crazy life situations at any point in time for what they are right here and right now, and take pleasure in the fact that whatever I'm experiencing is just another step in the path of the unconventional life that I'm so happy I chose to lead over a traditional one. My life is never boring. Never. How amazing and fortunate for me! I need to remember that it's pointless to stress about what I haven't yet accomplished in life when I know in my heart that if I want something bad enough, I WILL make it happen. And for crying out loud, I need to let today be today... This hour be this hour... This minute be this minute. And in this moment, I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude.
