Happiness is.... being at peace with a decision that took a really, really long time to make. I have discovered that there is no such thing as "perfect timing," but there is a time when making a change feels right.
I'd been filled with anxiety for months knowing that I needed to make a change, but I hadn't felt until recently that I could pull it off, even though I'd been carefully planning a transition.
Before I made the decision to leave my job in favor of training independently, I was so nervous that it might not work out and feeling a bit guilty with the idea of leaving my loyal clients, supportive manager, and fun co-workers.
Had my trainer friend Cristina not asked me to take over her clients when she has her baby, who knows if I would've ever had the guts to leave my stable job in favor of something that is risky, yet far more suited for my personality.
Leaving my job isn't the only huge life decision I've made recently though. I will also be moving back to Ohio in the fall to be closer to my family. I know I've expressed the desire to move back to Ohio a few times in this blog, and I've finally decided that because life is short, I need to spend as much time with my family as possible. I've already missed out on so much with them.
I told Fabian I was leaving Chicago and I resigned from my job 2 days later. To say the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement, but I really am so happy and at peace with my decisions.
Before I gave my boss my resignation, I had to constantly remind myself that the reason I started this whole process of making a change is because I was working in the wrong environment, and it wasn't healthy for me. I wasn't being a brat, or negative, or lazy, or selfish for wanting things to be different.
I didn't quit when things got hard, and they got really hard soon after I started my career as a personal trainer four years ago. I never gave up at the corporate gym and instead pressed on to do the job that I love for little money in an overstimulating environment that made me miserable.
I know it must sound dramatic to non-introverts, but working in an overstimulating environment has cost me plenty over the years including energy, friendships, a social life, the desire to try new things, and the desire to find love. And yet, I still felt guilty for wanting to get out of my situation. I felt guilty for not having the energy to be more successful at work despite the energy-draining environment.
I should never feel guilty about wanting to be happy though. I shouldn't ever feel guilty for wanting to do my work the way I want to do it in the environment that is better suited for me. In fact, the more I read about being an entrepreneur, the more I uncover just how much I was meant to do work all along. It turns out that I'm not lazy and I don't hate hard work. I just need more autonomy to be happy.
Before I resigned, and now that I'm on my own, I'm choosing to trust that everything will work out for me. Making big life changes is scary, and things have never really gone smoothly for me in the past when I've made big changes. But this time I carefully planned my transition. I have the experience, confidence, work ethic, and motivation to be successful and don't have to rely on luck. This change is also different because now I know exactly what I want after having experienced major extremes in my adult life. Bottom line - I want work/life balance and the chance to be truly happy doing what I love exactly how I want to do it. I fucking deserve it.
Regarding my big moving plans, I think I was more nervous about telling Fabian about going back to Ohio than I was about quitting my my job. I know Fabian loves me and the bunnies so much, and we love him so much, so it truly breaks my heart to leave him. But I know in my heart that I can't feel guilty for wanting to be close to my family.
I came, I saw, I conquered the big city, and now it's time to go home. A few months ago I was at the checkout counter at Dick's Sporting Goods and when the cashier asked for my zip code, I instinctively rattled off "44223, " even though I haven't lived in Ohio for 14 years. That moment really made me think. Clearly my desire to be home is subconscious as well as conscious.
But I waited to announce my decision until my head was in agreement with my heart, and my subconscious mind was in alignment with my conscious mind regarding the reality of making the move. And even though there is no such thing as perfect timing - because I can think of a million excuses to stay - the thought of moving home feels absolutely right.
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